Workaholics s06e08 Episode Script

1 Yo! X Games! What the hell's up, man? This is Blake H.
And right over here is Ders H.
! And we're here to tell you that you need to consider our new sport for this summer's X Games.
Freaking don't even consider it.
Just take it, you idiots.
- It's brilliant, all right? - Duh.
Basically what we've done is taken the sickest and gnar-gnarest, most epic sports and mixed them together.
I'm talking rollerblading, I'm talking skateboard combined to make Roller-skating 2.
- The New Class.
- Sick.
What? DeMampsa, what up, bro? Are you ready to rip? I'm ready to rip! Actually, I'm very nervous.
I don't think I'm wearing enough padding, but I will die for you guys! Freaking rock on.
Ders, light it up.
Let's do this.
- Ready to go? - Ow! - Little worried.
- Ow! Whoo! All right, you got this, DeMamp! Ders, punch it! We're about to hit the jump! - Whoa, dude! - Whoo! How did you land that, dude? Blake, tell me you got the shot.
- I got it - You got the shot? Oh! Ah! Ow! Great, Blake.
I hope you're happy.
You lost the footie, and the X Games are in like four days.
Now we're gonna have to get a new cameraman for the next run.
No.
Next run? There's not a next run.
- Blake's hurt, man.
- Yeah, didn't you hear him? I, like, fractured it in, like, six places.
I don't think my wrist will ever walk again.
Fine.
I'll freaking text Karl, have him film it.
He's not gonna be a bitch about it and go to the hospital for no good reason.
Yeah, um, again, serious injury.
But it's okay 'cause I like to ride in ambulances.
I'm gonna steal drugs! Get him out of my face! I mean, I knew today was gonna end with an ambulance ride.
I just didn't think Blake would be the one in it.
What's that supposed to mean? It means, like, you're always getting hurt.
Yeah.
Yeah, right, Ders.
I get hurt all the time.
Dude! Hey! Whoa, guys! Hey! Hi, 911? Yeah, it's Anders again.
Uh, look, can you tell your boy to flip a B? We got another.
I'm fresh You gotta, you gotta, you gotta Gotta be fresh God, man, I can't believe I broke my wrist on my scratching hand.
Ders, will you just give me one little finger, please? Dude, scratch your own butt.
I'm worried about Adam.
He probably should've gotten in the ambulance.
- He's got a concussion.
- He's fine, dude.
No, he's not, he's showing all the symptoms Nausea, memory loss, mood swings.
Ew! Who puked? Answer me! That was you.
You just did it.
All right.
Listen up, everybody.
Because of the little stunt these three morons pulled in the parking lot, corporate now wants us to take an online safety course, which sounds super fun.
So it'll take about three hours, so after lunch, just get to your cubicles Who's the coolest? Who's the coolest? Who's the coolest? Can't hear you.
Going to sleep.
Oh, good night.
I'm her sister.
I'm Juliette.
It's all good.
Oh, God, I think I'm still drunk.
Me and B-Rad just did a 12-hour shift at Spearmint Rhino.
That pig is still there just crushing hot wings.
- Sick.
- B-Rad.
- That's sick.
- I miss that guy.
Classic sleeper hold, huh? Still funny.
I see that you've met my sister, Juliette.
She's going to be filling in for Jillian while she's on National Guard duty.
- Cool.
Freaking sick.
- Yeah.
What the hell was I saying? You were doing some BS speech about safety or something.
Dude, I knew this job was gonna be a complete dookie fountain.
Dookie fountain.
All right, well, this is how much fun we're gonna have.
Because if everybody passes their online safety course, I'm gonna take you on a nature hike.
- Go walking? - That's lame.
I have a better idea.
I used to date this chick in the Navy.
She has a jump plane.
We can go skydiving.
- Are you serious? - What? - Oh, we should go skydiving! - Finally.
Let's go skydiving! - Let's go skydiving.
- Guys.
Come on, skydiving? That's that's not cool.
It's, like, so '90s.
What, are you kidding me? The '90s were awesome.
Like "Space Jam," "Doug," Lark Voorhies.
- Yup.
- "Real World, Seattle.
" When Stephen slapped Irene? That was off the hook.
- It was.
- Uh, Blink 182.
"What's My Age Again?" - Yeah.
- What is my age again? - Are you serious? - How old am I? Skydiving - Don't start chanting, please - Skydiving! Skydiving! - Skydiving! - All right, okay, fine! If you wanna go freaking skydiving, we'll go skydiving.
Yes! Yes! - Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Ew! Who puked? Yeah! This freaking safety test is impossible.
Adam, ple okay, well, you are on farmersonly.
com You're not even taking the test right now.
We just We need to concentrate.
Do you not want to go on the field trip, dude? Come on, it's gonna be super fun.
Dude, you know what happens on field trips.
Bus ride hookups.
This guy knows.
Look.
You get your Starter jacket out, put your hand underneath, and you make the pussy queef.
You don't have to tell me.
I've got history.
Ninth grade, yeah.
We took a field trip to "Fiddler on the Roof," and I "diddler" on the bus, is what I did.
- That's awesome.
- Hi.
Uh, just taking a shot in the dark here, but you drug addicts definitely have drugs, right? Uh - Uh yes.
- Ahem.
- I can't hear you.
- We got the hookup.
Yeah, I can't It's just, your sister's just kind of watching us like a hawk, so You're worried about Alice? She's obsessed with me.
She'll do anything for my approval.
Watch this.
Hey, Alice, these guys over here are doing drugs.
- What? - Cocaine, you name it.
- No, no.
- Just kidding.
I just didn't want to walk all the way over there.
So what are you getting me for lunch, peachy? Well, actually, I was going to let this be a surprise, but we're gonna get some El Pollo Loco tacos.
Uh, the thing about that is I'd rather have balls in my mouth than eat their tacos.
'Cause she's a lesbian.
- Sick.
- Thanks.
Go to Tina's Tacos.
They're the best.
Tell Tina you know me and she'll give you that extra guac hookup.
- Stop touching my breast.
- Vamonos.
Mami's hungry.
- Mm! - Smoking in Alice's office.
Okay, so you all passed.
Man, this sucks that you're only gonna work here for two weeks.
- I really love you.
- Yeah.
No, two weeks that's my limit on any job, dude.
- Mm.
- Whoa.
You guys didn't tell me that a famous actress worked here.
- What, Didi? - Yeah.
Oh, no, she's not a famous actress.
- No, it's Didi.
- Oh - Yeah, she's a lizard.
- She used to be.
Look at this.
Check this out.
Ooh.
She is one bad mama-jamma.
Didi's, like, a lesbian icon.
What, bitch? You gonna stand there and stare or you gonna sock it to my pocket like a space rocket? Oh, my stars.
You weren't kidding.
- Nope.
- That's her, isn't it? All your friends are dead.
Now you are too.
Dude, this puts Didi in a whole new light.
I think I just found my bus ride hookup.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Ders.
I'm the one who's gonna be slipping Didi my digits.
And I'm not talking about my phone number.
I just called her, okay? Are we really about to have this manversation? Okay, yeah, actually we are.
I need some manswers, dude, and I'm sorry to talk about this in front of you.
- It's just guy stuff.
- I mean, I'm fine with it.
Dude, it's a field trip.
I'm definitely finger-banging a TelAmeri-vag.
Yeah.
- Yeah, but I called Didi.
- No Well, guys, I don't have time for this buffoonery because I actually have a meeting with Karl in the parking lot right now.
- What? About what? - I don't know, Anders! Okay.
Hey, Didi, uh, could you help me with something real quick? Huh? - Yeah.
- What the what's going on? I just wanted to show you a little something with my, uh, finger skateboard.
Thought maybe you could watch me shred some gnar tricks.
Tell me how you like my finger skills.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sho oh! Oh, do you like the way I ollie? Oh, that's weird, I'm so good, and this isn't even my good hand.
I'm actually left-handed.
If you get what I'm saying.
What the hell's that? Can you do this? What's up, Didi? Check it.
Ooh! Yeah! They call them "licks" for a reason.
Yeah, you're pretty cool.
- Honor.
- Okay.
Yeah, no.
And you can go lick off, Steve Martin.
Why don't you go put a arrow through your head, you idiot? 'Cause I was just about to show her my final trick.
Oh, hey, finger skater boy.
I said, see you later, boy.
You're not good enough for her.
Okay, well, that's funny you should say that, because it's gonna be pretty hard for her to refuse my love - when I can do this.
- Oh, oh! - So it's time to battle? - Watch this.
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes Stop! Obviously.
- See you later, guys.
- What are you doing? What? It's an old-fashioned duel.
Except instead of real guns, we're using finger guns.
Oh, this isn't a duel, Ders, okay? 'Cause you don't stand a chance, all right? 'Cause I'm gonna be the one at the back of the bus rocking Didi's world with some erotic pawing.
Am I getting right under little kitty's chin? And then guess what.
While she's not looking - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
Is that how you think you're supposed to finger a girl? Yeah.
What, you think that's how you finger a girl? Dude, you're a dummy you don't even have any cool moves.
I got a cool move.
You basically make the shadow puppet dog, but then you shove it in, right? And then it just bites the meat.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.
Let me in, ma'am, I got a vacuum to sell ya.
Okay, this is what I call the twister Okay, you guys! Okay, stop.
- Come, follow me.
- What? Working up a sweat.
Okay, that's secure.
Excellent.
Oh, dude! Goons the Eater strikes again, man.
That is funny.
Oh, uh, talent on set.
Okay, everybody, let's gather round, let's do this.
Whoo! Let's go, okay! Yeah! You're lucky we even showed up 'cause we're a busy crew.
We got back-to-back quinceañeras later on this afternoon, so let's get to it.
Time is money, all right? Okay.
Yeah, let's do this.
Okay, let's roll camera.
- Roll sound.
- Rolling! Good.
And Action.
Adam okay, man.
Look, if you're nervous, just use that emotion.
Think about the script.
Say your lines with that emotion.
It's gonna be great.
All right.
Where's the script? Okay, cut.
Okay, we don't work without a script, so if you'll excuse us, we need to go watch two beautiful, young Mexican females turn into two beautiful, old Mexican women.
So buh-buh-bye.
Oh, don't you turn your backs on me! Don't you I'll break everything that you own! I will break you! I will ruin you and your whole squadron! I'm gonna fight one of these women right here.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of this girl right here.
Yeah, the big one.
I'm coming for you Ooh! Homeless Mike, are you okay? Okay, lesson number one.
Clitoris is on the top of the kiwi.
- Copy that? - Yeah.
Butthole is on the bottom.
Just avoid that unless she says not to.
- Okay, okay.
- She's gonna say not to.
So just calm down.
I want you to just go up and down, gently massage the clitoris.
Okay, and the clitoris is in here? - Yes oh! No! - So get in there - Yeah, get it, boy.
- Okay, stop.
Stop.
Oh, look, I'm making the Jell-O.
Here, let me just I'll show you.
At least there's liquid coming out.
I heard that's good.
When do we get to go to the butthole? - Hi there.
- Hi.
So, uh, I actually found something interesting.
Um, I just went on my computer and I checked the safety course scores, and funny, it looks like you two and Adam all scored a 69.
Oh, good for you guys.
- Frickin' triple 69.
- Nice.
We've always wanted to do that.
- That's awesome! - I'm not buying it.
She put you up to this, didn't she? Look, we got those scores on our own.
I mean why do you want a cup for your hater-ade? 'Cause that's what you're drinking.
- Do you want a cup for it? - That's a dirty cup though.
You should've seen the other girl.
What? I got in a fight in the parking lot.
I think I beat up a woman.
You know what? That is it! - Skydiving is cancelled.
- Ohh! Okay? No! You are too much of a liability, and I am not taking the risk.
We are going with my plan, and we're gonna go hiking.
And it's gonna be fun.
Deer.
Deer? Deers are pretty.
I'm supposed to diddle Didi! I can't do that if we're going to Rancho Hills.
That's like six minutes away.
How am I supposed to diddle Didi in six minutes? It's gonna take me at least a half hour to find a clit on the butthole.
I don't know why you guys are talking to each other in that tone, and I don't know why I'm in the kitchen.
Okay, everyone just calm down.
We're gonna go skydiving.
I've been manipulating Alice my entire life, all right? All we have to do is apologize, do some grand gesture, and she's gonna fold.
- Okay? - Yeah, no doubt.
- Here she comes, here she comes.
- Shh.
Everyone, be professional.
What the hell are you guys doing in here? Get back to to work.
First of all, we want to say that we are sorry and that we take safety very seriously.
And to show that Have a seat We put together a little presentation.
Yes, welcome to our presentation of "Office Safety, It's Very Important and We Get That.
" I'd love to run some stats by you.
Recent studies have shown that the most dangerous things you can do are retreats on earth.
On the ground.
Here's a great example of what might happen on an outside work retreat.
Juliette, watch out for that cliff! Cliff? What cliff? We shall celebrate our Our bountiful harvest with our new native friends by feasting and giving strength.
Uh thanks.
And we shall call this day "Thanksgiving.
" Adam, wrong No, this is Wrong performance.
This is a safety presentation.
Your words make no sense to me, noble Indian.
But I shall thank you and your people for the corn and the blankets.
What the hell is wrong with him? Corn.
So, okay.
Say we're on the hike and we're picking wild corn.
Okay, and what's that? Ah! Rattlesnake! Rattlesnake to the neck! I've now been bit, the venom is coursing through me.
If someone doesn't suck the venom out soon, I will have a casualty.
Who, hm? Who should do it? Maybe Didi.
Get over here and work my neck, girl.
Didi? Oh, ow! More corn snakes! Bit me in the neck! So, Didi, you're gonna have to suck on my neck too.
Well, me first 'cause I got bit first, so I need it.
It's been a while since I've had a snake bite me.
But I'm a pilot in the next scene.
I switched with Gary.
What? Okay, no recasting.
- What needs sucking? - Uh Okay, I can see what you guys are doing and it is not happening, okay? We are not going skydiving.
We are going hiking, and that is final.
Can you please just be cool for once in your life? - Right? - Try it? Okay, do you wanna know what's cool? Consistency and leadership.
You think what she does is cool? She just, like, goes from job to job and girl to girl and has no responsibilities and isn't tied down.
That's not cool, okay? Alice, that's the definition of cool and I think you're just jealous and it's not a good look on you.
I am not jealous.
Oh, my gosh, this is sad.
You won't even let us have any fun just so you can win some stupid family squabble? I'm disappointed in you.
All right.
Fine.
Fine, you know what? You know what, you're probably right.
All right? I am not cool.
I'm never gonna be as cool as Juliette.
She's always been the cool one.
So you know what, if you want to go and hang out with her and go skydiving and not hang out with me on a hike Your Alice Fine, I can't stop you.
- Yeah, we do.
- Yeah.
- Sick! All right! - Awesome.
Yeah, we did it! Okay, so for the X Games submission, I'm gonna Roller-skate 2, The New Class out of an airplane.
- That's cool, right? - Yeah.
And then I'll be the first person to Roller-skate 2, The New Class midair.
- Which is cool, right? - Yeah.
Okay, so I need you guys to help me film it.
Yeah, I mean, we're in.
I think we're just glad to see you back to your good, old, normal self.
Oh, well, I didn't die in my sleep, which the doctor said is a good sign.
- Yeah, that is.
- That's huge.
But I gotta wear this helmet because evidently, if I get one more concussion, I'll get brain damage.
But for now, I'm fine.
- One second.
- Right on.
Hey, guys, the van's out back.
- Just save me a seat next to you.
- I want to sit next to you.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
I'd love to just talk on the bus.
No, no, no, this is This is fine, this is just fine.
It's actually very typical of you.
I mean, you promised an entire office that you'd take them skydiving, and now you're bailing on them for some girl.
- I mean, cool.
- Yeah, what is the problem? The problem is is that the van is going to be here in five minutes.
What am I supposed to tell them? Make something up.
I don't know.
Tell them that I got my period and that my tampon will fly out.
No.
No, I am done covering for you, okay? You know what, I really thought you'd changed.
But you're still the same flake that you've always been.
- Oh, God.
- And I'm over it.
So get the hell out of my call center.
Jesus! Ahem.
Uh, attention, everyone.
Uh unfortunate I have some bad news.
Seems that Juliette is not going to be able to take you skydiving today.
So, um, she started her period.
Ooh, I know how bad that can get.
Well, I mean everybody knows that at that altitude, I mean, your tampon can just fly out of you.
No, that's true.
A lot of lesbians have medical issues because they don't have dicks inside of them.
Yeah, sure.
- This is ridiculous! - I'm sorry, you guys.
Thanks, Alice.
Real cool.
But you know what? Hey, what if I.
I don't know, what if I take you guys skydiving? Okay, are you being serious right now? - Yeah.
- Yes! Alice freaking rocks.
- Yeah! - Alice! Alice! Alice! Alice! All right, yes, okay, thank you, that is very sweet.
But let's just get on the van before I change my mind, okay? - Shotgun! - I don't think so.
- Okay.
- Hey, um, Alice? - We're gonna go skydiving! - What? We heard the whole conversation with you and Juliette.
And we know that she's not on her period.
And it's pretty cool for you to step up for the office, so Yeah, that's really freaking cool.
I'd even go to say, uh you're the coolest Murphy sister.
- Thanks, Blake.
- Right? Seriously, thank you for saying that.
That really means a lot to me.
I just feel like I've always grown up in the shadow of my sister.
She always makes me feel so small, you know? Just makes me feel this big.
Are you crying right now? Oh, my God, that is so weak! - Why are you crying? - That's such a weak emotion.
Yeah, you cry? Ew, that's not a good look on you.
- You got issues.
- Oh, my God.
Crybaby.
"My sister!" - No, I want Didi! - Stop! - Get out of my way.
- Please, just stop.
- I need this, okay? - Uh, that's my seat.
- That's me.
- What? No.
Sit somewhere else.
- Hey, uh - What? I brought a kiwi.
If you wanted to, I don't know, like pretend on the way there.
Great.
Imagination is a powerful thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
This could've been you, Didi.
When you guys are done finger-banging that kiwi, can I get it? I'm starving.
You got it.
Okay, you're all set! I'm sorry, but isn't it illegal to allow someone to jump alone on their first time? Yeah, technically you're supposed to have 25 jumps in first.
But we're not a legal skydiving company.
I'm just a chick with a plane who used to bang your sister! What? What? No! No! Ooh, whoa! - All right, who's up next? - All right! Me? Cool.
- Ooh-rah! - Okay.
Whoa! Whoa! Jumping, jumping! Oh, what am I doing? They don't even wear helmets in the X Games.
Roller-skate guy, you're up! No! My little baby! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Let him land! Lord, please let him land in the lake.
Adam!