Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e09 Episode Script

1 [BoJack.]
What is acting? Anyone? - Anyone? - [grunts.]
Acting is about leaving everything behind, and [clicks tongue, sighs.]
And becoming something completely new.
What is acting? Anyone? Acting is about leaving everything behind, and becoming something completely new.
[exhales deeply.]
[classical music.]
[pants.]
Becoming something completely new.
[sighs.]
[both.]
Huh? [exhales.]
Hey-o! [chuckles nervously.]
Oh What is acting? Anyone? Anyone? Acting is about leaving everything behind and becoming something completely new.
Nailed it.
[grunts.]
And that's a Sharpie.
[theme music playing.]
[clears throat.]
Good morning, my name is Professor Horseman, which will remain on that whiteboard forever, and this is Intermediate Scene Study.
What is acting? Anyone? - [all.]
Ooh! - Oh! Okay.
You.
According to Stanislothski, acting is the desire to create inside of oneself another, deeper, more interesting life than the one that actually surrounds him or her.
- Oh, okay, yes, but also Yes? - [girl.]
Oh! Meisner would say, "Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances.
" Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances.
Uh, okay, wow.
So, that's acting.
But what is? Guys, I'm concerned this class is getting very theory-qua-theory I was about to say that.
when technique should be a means toward a more engaging art.
- Well, quite astute.
- Sorry, horse professor.
What's acting? Um Acting is the, um [grunts.]
Acting is Uh I don't know what acting is.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I shouldn't be here.
- [boy.]
Wow.
- [girl.]
Oh! No, I don't want to quit.
I'm acting! That's acting.
Oh! Class dismissed.
But we still have an hour and 20 minutes left.
Yes.
Again, I was acting.
You sounded serious.
Instead of judging my acting, how about you act and I judge you? - For real? - Yeah.
Good point.
We could show you the scenes we were working on last semester.
Uh, sure.
- This is from "Kablammo, Mother.
" - Whenever you're ready.
Mama, where's Daddy's old World War II grenade with the pin still in it? [in British accent.]
Why would you want an old thing like that? Tonight, I intend to explode myself.
Where are the extra towels? - Okay, okay.
Stop, stop.
- What? - Does this play take place in England? - [normal voice.]
No.
So why are you talking with an English accent? I'm acting.
Just as an exercise, maybe use your normal voice.
And Tawnie, when you're telling your mother you're gonna kill yourself, the next line is, "Where are the extra towels," right? And the character's being very casual, so maybe she should also be casual when she says she's gonna kill herself.
Like it's a big deal, but it's not a big deal for her.
- Like that's the irony of the scene.
- Whoa! That's really smart.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Okay, let's see it again.
So, darling, what fun and games shall we play? Shall we play Scattergories? [raspy voice.]
I detest Scattergories! Whatever the prompt, you always answer in vague allusions to the baby we never had! Stop.
You're both talking to the audience.
I want you to talk to each other, you're having a conversation.
- Hey! Who's you? - Who's me? Screw you is who's me! I got the leads.
The Gooba Gooberry Falls leads.
Mm! Them's them good leads.
- Hubba hubba, I'm horny for leads! - Okay, here's my question for you.
Does your character know he's horny for leads, or is he discovering it? Who's next? Great.
What's the scene? The scene is I'm late for my next class.
We were supposed to get out 20 minutes ago.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
See you Wednesday.
Great work today.
Way to go, team.
We did it.
That was great, huh? How good was I? - [sighs.]
- [door closes.]
Whitfield, we've been here six weeks.
How do you think this is going? - I think I'm crushing it.
- Wow, okay.
Well, I admire the confidence.
I know you're an acting major.
And I guess I just I wanted to make sure that you're taking other classes.
Like, Economics, or maybe a plumbing course.
Or rental car cashier class? I don't know.
What would you want to do if the acting thing doesn't work out? Hold up, do you think I'm not a good actor? Whoa, whoa, whoa! You said "Not a good actor.
" But now that you've said it Some would say there are no bad actors, only bad teachers.
What about Jason Segel? He was a bad actor in Bad Teacher.
I am a wonderful actor.
You'll see.
- [door closes.]
- Okay.
She knew I was drunk, but she still let me drive off with Jonathan.
Whoa, oh! I'm a drunk! Jesus, I had no idea, I Booze has taken everything from me.
- My job as an airline pilot, my wife.
- Huh? What the? Those two things.
[sighs.]
Okay.
I see what's happening.
Sorry, everybody.
This is one of my acting students.
- He's trying to, um - Who's Whitfield? - Nobody said "Whitfield.
" - My name is Whip Whitaker.
- Did you follow me here? - I drank the vodka bottles on the plane.
Drove the plane upside-downsy.
Yeah, I'm drunk now.
- Wow.
- No, don't We've all been there, man.
He hasn't been there.
That's the plot of the movie Flight.
Glug, glug, glug.
- That wet the ol' whistle.
- So sorry, everyone.
Now I'm completely over the 0.
8 percent blood alcohol level.
- I'm in trouble.
I am wasted.
- This is very disrespectful.
- Hammered - We work hard to create a safe space here.
- tanked, blitzed - So sorry about that.
I recognize that.
- Irish, canned, smashed - I value this room, just know that.
- annihilated, laced, faded.
- Really sorry about all of this.
- So sorry.
- In conclusion, I am a drunk.
The big D.
- Fine.
Shut up.
You're a drunk.
- Aha! Wrong, I was acting! It appears the student has become the student-er.
[sighing.]
Wow, an actor.
- Uh [grunts.]
- [crowd cheering.]
[panting.]
[both grunt.]
Foul! That fowl fouled, ref! Where's the whistle? - Ugh! - There are women tossing women everywhere! What is this, the Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement? Who's with me? [slurps.]
Okay.
- Um, they're allowed to do that in rugby.
- What? Really? Also, nobody knows what Filene's Basement is.
That's a shame.
You definitely paid too much for that coat.
- [whistle trills.]
- Oh, is it over? Did we win? [exhales.]
Hey, you're really good.
I think.
Don't feel like you have to come to these things if it's not your thing.
No, I liked it.
Look at us.
Doing college.
I'm just saying you have your things and I have my things.
It's okay.
- You wanna get something to eat? - I-I can't.
When we win, we all go to Conspiracy to celebrate.
- Sounds fun.
Can I join you? - I don't think you should.
It's a bar, and there will be alcohol there.
- That's okay.
- And young girls.
- What's that have to do with anything? - Nothing.
Just stating a fact.
- Okay.
Well, then, I guess I'll see you.
- Wouldn't wanna be you! But I would.
You're cool.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Yes, good.
Keep doing what they're doing.
[sighs.]
Tawnie, you're Hollyhock's best friend - We're actually in a fight right now.
- Again? Our fights are like Adele songs.
All kind of the same one, but with different specifics.
- Well, do you understand this rugby thing? - Uh, honestly? No.
She came back from winter break super aggro, but that's Hollyhock, right? Suddenly, she decides, "This is what I'm all about now, and everyone else just has to get on board.
" What are we supposed to do with that? - Whoa! - I guess get on board.
[whistle trills.]
Get it out, get it Yes, nice.
Nice run! Very nice! Touchdown! That's my sister! Good try! Try? She did it.
She scored.
It's called a try.
Try to keep up.
- Hey! Hey! - [sighing.]
- Yeah! - Yes, Cardinals! - All right! - All right! [both grunt.]
The two teams applaud each other, and then the referees.
As is customary.
See footnote.
We know.
What's up, rugger? Two tries, two conversions, and a drop goal? Jonah Lomu over here.
- Great game, Hock.
- Oh, Hock.
I like it.
Can I get a nickname too, Regina? How about, "Professor Horseman, adult faculty member"? - We have to go.
- Yeah, go.
Go.
See you.
See you on the scrumming pitch.
[whistle trills.]
W-E-S-leyan! We will rock and maul and win! Wait.
Where's Hollyhock? You mean Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero Hey.
What the hell? You quit rugby? God.
You sound like three of my dads.
- The other five were relieved.
- You were good.
I need to focus on my studies.
I'm not just here to get my ya-yas out.
Yeah, but rugby's our thing.
[sighs.]
Okay, then I guess we'll just We'll find a new thing.
How about my thing is reading Gender Trouble by Judith Butler, and your thing is being a teacher? Are you okay? [sighs.]
I'm just busy with school stuff.
You got your showcase in a couple weeks? "An Evening of Modern American Scenes"? Yeah.
I'll I'll go to that.
- Great.
I'll see you then.
- Yeah, see you then.
Not if I see you first! [phone ringing, beeps.]
- Hello? - Hey, listen.
- It's your very good accountant, Gaz.
- Hey, Gaz.
I just noticed you spent a lot of money last year.
- Did you go to rehab? Like, a lot? - You just noticed that? I've got a ton of clients, okay? And this was a big cocaine year for me.
But we're fine.
Just make another movie, and you'll be fine.
- You're working on a movie? - No.
Actually, I'm a college professor now.
[sputters.]
What, do you hate money? - Gaz - Ah, no, no, no, it's fine.
Basically, we're fine.
As I told my wife before she left me, I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be either.
We may need to unload some assets, though.
- You still own that restaurant? - Elefante? I'd love to dump that money pit, but what idiot would buy it? - Sold! On this arrangement.
- Of course you're sold.
It was your idea.
Explain it to me one more time? Okay.
You'll spend a lot of time with international superstar sex symbol, Joey Pogo, building a close emotional bond.
After you've established that connection, you'll share one magical evening of intimate sexual congress, after which, we'll finally be even.
You'll marry me, and the two of you will never see each other again.
- Well, I guess it's worth a try.
- Who's that dog? - Mr.
Peanutbutter - Excuse me.
- [phone beeps.]
- Hello? No? Really? Wow, hold on a sec.
Pickles, should I buy Elefante? Ooh! Then you'd be my husband and my boss.
Like Ike and Tina Turn No.
- Well, I'm sure there are good examples.
- There must be.
But buying a restaurant's a big commitment.
What if I went in on it with you? I like food.
Great idea, Joey Pogo.
I'm in! On you being in.
On it.
With me.
I've got big ideas for this place.
One word lazy Susans.
Hold on.
Before we make any rash decisions, should we maybe consider the long-term [stammers.]
Pickles, this guy on the phone is waiting, and I don't want to be rude.
Sorry.
Of course.
Finish your conversation.
- Sold! - [phone beeps.]
- Now, you were saying? - ramifications.
Lazy Susans.
[raspy voice.]
Oh, Heidi, you'll never bag a man with all your talk of feminism, and your grandfather in Switzerland, and all your little goat friends Stop.
Terry, this character is 28.
Is that what you think a 28-year-old sounds like? [normal voice.]
I mean, yes? You do the same old-man voice for every character.
Gotta have a gimmick if I'm gonna make it in the show business.
In "the show business," when they have old man characters, they cast real old men.
- I'll show you.
- Please don't.
You'll see.
We still have 20 minutes of class left.
I'd driven across that bridge drunk hundreds of times, but never on black ice.
- [door opens.]
- [Terry in raspy voice.]
Back in my day, - we called that "the hidden slipperies.
" - Oh, no.
But we didn't go to meetings and talk about our problems.
- No, we made moonshine in bathtubs.
- Please leave.
Now.
- Who's Terry? - Nobody said Terry.
Mind if I sit a spell? These old bones need a rest.
Sure, take it easy.
Everyone, this is another one of my students.
I'm very sorry, I have no idea why they think this is gonna impress me.
I just relieved myself in my adult diaper.
Terry Here I am, in the twilight of my years, having drunk it all away.
- My job as an airline pilot - Wow.
- My son - You don't have a son.
Not anymore I don't, because I abandoned him.
I abandoned my boy! - [Whitfield.]
Papa? - My boy! - Oh, my God.
- Papa? Is that you? I've gone blind, me has, from working in the distillery! Oh, my sweet child! Ugh.
Todd, why don't you and Ruthie go for a stroll while I talk to these acting students? She's just a baby, and I don't want to expose her to too much desperation.
- You got it, boss.
- [Ruthie giggles.]
Today, we have a very special guest.
This is my friend, Princess Carolyn, who was nice enough to come here to talk about the business of acting.
So, please do not embarrass me.
Oh, no.
How many months until people get discovered, usually? One? Two? [gasps.]
Three? This is more of a comment than a question, but I've seen every Robert Altman movie.
What's the best diner to be discovered in drinking a milkshake? [sighs.]
What if I want to do nudity? Do I still have to sign a waiver? Huh! [yawns.]
Whoo! Hey, who's the kid that didn't ask a question? - The brooding kid in the back.
- Oh, that's Stan.
That kid's got it.
The look, the sauce, the power to make me feel like a 13-year-old girl, and to make a 13-year-old girl feel like a woman.
I wanna cast him.
- You haven't even seen him act.
- Is he good? [sighs.]
He's the best actor I got.
I had my doubts when he did the scene from Proof, but when he did the scene from Doubt, I thought, "There's the proof.
" - I have to sign him.
- No.
Stan needs to finish school.
He's a sophomore.
Great! A legal adult but he looks young.
He can play all the roles that other young, impressionable actors can't because they keep ODing, or going to prison, or going to rehab, or killing themselves.
- No, he's not ready.
- Why don't we let Stan decide? I want to be your manager.
And I can get you Brooding Birthday Boy on "Birthday Dad" right now.
Stan, LA's not going anywhere.
But you need an education, something to keep you grounded.
Stan, look at me.
You have an opportunity now.
What do you need, a piece of paper? You're done with this place.
Stan? Stan.
Stan, Stan.
One day, you're gonna look back and realize these days on campus, they were the last days you were truly free.
You want "free"? Check out the Smirnoff Ice gifting suite at the Emmy Awards after-party! My whole career, all I wanted was to get to a place like this, and I didn't even know it.
Out there, there's nothing to protect you.
No, but there's a Patagonia jacket that says "Birthday Dad" on it that you get from being on "Birthday Dad.
" We're safe here, Stan.
Please, don't make the mistake I did.
Come on, you'll get your own chair with your name on it! - [sighs.]
Damn it.
- Oh, good boy.
Yes, he's a good boy.
Okay, first thing, we're gonna get these teeth fixed.
[air horns blaring.]
[vocalizing.]
Marshmallow? Thanks! [munching.]
That was for the child.
Oh, should've specified.
If she can abstain from eating the marshmallow for 15 minutes, she'll receive an even bigger reward.
An even bigger reward than a marshmallow? Remember these times, Ruthie.
Mm-hmm.
[phone beeps.]
[phone buzzes, beeps.]
- Go Todd for Maude! - You're sitting in front of a marshmallow, and if you don't eat it, you get a bigger reward in 15 minutes.
- What do you do? - Don't be a sucker, Todd.
Eat the marshmallow.
Who knows what the world's gonna be like in 15 minutes? That's all I needed to hear.
- Thanks, Maude.
- [phone beeps.]
[Ruthie giggles.]
Oh, no! What have I done? We've got to find another marshmallow! - [phone buzzes, beeps.]
- Hey, Todd.
You've got the Maude Squad.
Just kidding, it's just Maude.
I don't have a squad.
Maude? I didn't go to college.
- Where can I get a marshmallow? - The dining hall? Dining hall? This is Wesleyan, not Hogwarts.
What's in a marshmallow anyway? Maybe I can make one.
I think they're mostly chemicals.
To the chemistry lab! - [grunts.]
You! Make me a marshmallow! - [Ruthie giggles.]
I'm trying to cure brain cancer.
That's not important right now! If I don't get a new marshmallow, some psychiatrist is gonna get mad at this baby.
A psychiatrist? I am so sick of the soft sciences wagging the dog in conversations of behavioral development.
Let's teach them a lesson! - I'm sorry, but the experiment's over.
- What? Why? Because you ate the marshmallow.
Good day, sir.
Doctor? [gasps.]
You did it! Hello, my name is Willie Wesleyan, and you've won the school, my boy! Wesleyan University is yours.
What? Why? Somebody needs to keep that stuffy old board of trustees in check once I've shed this mortal skin.
- Oh - Sorry about that.
We're doing LSD research in the room next door.
- Come on, Mr.
Phillips.
Time to go.
- [laughing.]
The frozzleberries taste like banozzleberries! Yes, Mr.
Phillips, everything tastes like something.
So this is college.
[drum roll.]
[knocks on door.]
- You wanted to see me? - Amy, yeah.
Um, have a seat.
So we're nearing the end of the semester here, and I'm putting together the cast sheet for the student showcase.
- Uh-huh.
- This showcase is a big deal.
This might sound crazy coming from famous television star, BoJack Horseman, but in some ways, this showcase means even more to me than the very popular TV shows that, again, I was the star of.
- It means a lot to me, too.
- Does it? 'Cause you've been missing a lot of classes.
And forgetting your lines.
You seem tired all the time, and I can be better.
I'll prove it.
Okay.
As the water rose, I remember fumbling through the glove compartment, just praying that I could find a pin hammer so I could shatter the window.
- Uh, excuse me, is this - No.
Nope, no, no, no.
Get out of here.
- This has to stop.
- What? This is a place for people who are serious about making a change, not for desperate acting students pretending to have problems, Amy.
I was just trying to get help! - Oof! - [crying.]
Oh! Oops! That was Oops.
- Hey, do you know what this show's about? - I think it's about to start.
So keep your rugby voice on the field, okay? It turns out my hypothesis was correct.
Kids love marshmallows.
You don't say.
You still working on that memoir? Well, funny story about that Oh, I love when stories start like that! Ooh! You should put this one in your book.
Where the hell is she? Horse professor, we're ready when you are.
Lights.
- [applause.]
- Hello.
Thank you.
Oh, wow, thank you.
That's very nice, thank you.
Welcome to "An Evening of Modern American Scenes.
" The students are very excited to perform for you tonight.
They've come such a long way over the course of the semester.
Like, a really a really long way.
They were very bad before.
But now Well, I mean, you'll see for yourself, uh But, um, I'm proud of them.
Anyway, first up is a scene from Sam German-Shepherd's "Real America.
" [crowd whooping.]
You think real America's all about cowboys? [line ringing.]
Well, I say real America's about business! And capitalism! - [voicemail.]
Hey, it's Hollyhock.
- Ugh! - Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
- God damn it.
I'm starting to think the real America is me kicking your ass! [all gasp.]
BoJack? Oh, shit, your showcase! Tawnie's gonna be so pissed! Forget Tawnie.
I'm pissed! And it's happening right now.
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I know your students just have to do a scene, but I have multiple final papers.
If you're implying acting is a bullshit major, you're right.
But people came all the way from California to see my showcase.
From Chicago.
You can't even walk across campus? Okay, let me put some pants on.
- You've been avoiding me all semester.
- I just have a lot going on.
I go to school here.
I'm a college student.
- I thought I'd see you more.
- This was mine before you got here.
This was my life, my world, and you just, like, live here now.
And you could have asked me, by the way.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I guess I thought my sister No, don't say that.
Like it means something.
- It does mean something.
- We don't know each other, really.
- What? - No, I'm just saying it's fine.
I had a life before I met you, and you had a life before you met me.
I don't want that life.
That life, that person? That's not who I am, I I'm sorry I came here without asking you first.
That was selfish.
Okay.
Thank you.
If this is too weird for you, I don't have to come back next semester.
I can get a job somewhere else.
Tawnie says you're a really good teacher.
She did? Huh.
I thought you were in a fight.
Yeah, but I still love her.
Are we in a fight? Yeah, but [sighs.]
Yeah.
I should get back to the show.
If you want to come back in the fall, that could be cool.
- Yeah? - Just We need to take things slow, you know? Yeah.
I know.
Thanks.
[Terry in raspy voice.]
And in that moment, I knew this was my home.
[panting.]
And as long as I was here, I'd be safe.
- But then again, what do I know? - [panting.]
I'm just a 15-year-old boy living in Brighton Beach.
[cheering, applause.]
[woman.]
Yeah! Horse professor.
- Come on.
Get up here.
- No, no, no.
- Get up here.
- No, no, no.
Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[phone ringing.]
[gasps.]
[phone beeps.]
Uh Hello? - You need to stop this.
- What? The reporters who keep trying to get Penny to tell her story.
What What reporters? Whatever they're doing, I don't want to be included, okay? I don't want my daughter to be included.
Charlotte, I swear, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Well, you better figure it out.
- [phone beeps.]
[breathing heavily.]
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the horseman - BoJack BoJack the horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'm just trying To make you understand That I'm more horse than a man - Or I'm more man than a horse - BoJack