Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e09 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": You wanna fry a witch? I'll give you a witch.
Before thee, let the unclean thing crawl! She's a perfectly normal girl.
Then she's a rat.
We should get her one of those wheel thingies.
- Can we not do this now? - Forget it ever happened.
Forget.
What is wrong with you?! I know you used that spell on me.
I will go a month without doing any magic.
- Go a week.
- Fine.
That's easy.
When the fire goes out, and the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast.
- I don't think this is gonna work.
- Are you gonna leave me? - I'm placing an order.
- I'm not making any more girls.
Sure you are.
And here's your specs.
So you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale? - OK.
- OK.
The Trio versus the Slayer.
- We're, like, super villains.
- I can't do this without you.
- You can.
That's why I'm going.
I'm headed back to England.
And I plan to stay.
We have to talk.
- About what? - We kissed, Buffy.
- I'm sure we can work somethin' out.
- A deal of some sort.
Anything you want.
I always wanted a pony.
Oh.
You weren't really speaking to me, were you? My bad.
Well, as long as I'm here - Argh! Lady! - Wow.
A mugging.
Haven't gotten one of those in a while.
Usually it's blood, and with the horror Just a good old-fashioned mugging.
Kinda sweet, actually.
Well, probably not for you.
Here.
Go.
Now.
Not too sweet for you either, huh? Come on, rush me.
It'll be funny.
- Yaah! - No! Ow! - What the hell are you doing? - Thought they were demons.
Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
- Remind me not to help you.
- More often? Hey.
A little sympathy for the man with the migraine, can we? - That's what you get for attacking a human.
- Yeah.
You'd think if the government put a chip in my head, I could at least attack criminals.
Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten.
Just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
There are other ways.
And to that, an extreme "see you later".
Buffy.
Spike, it's late, OK.
Can we just finish this another time? So you wanna jump right to the kissing, then, eh? - I am not kissing you, Spike.
Once was - Twice.
But not again.
You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fella's motor revvin', let the tension marinate a couple of days, then - bam! - crown yourself the ice queen.
Need a few more metaphors for that little mix? It's only a matter of time before you realise I'm the only one here for you, pet.
You got no one else! What's the matter, Amy? You lonely? We need to get you a nice companion rat that you can love play with and grow attached to, until one day they leave you for no good reason.
Won't that be fun? Relax, Amy.
I'm just kiddin'.
I swear, if I could figure out how to turn you back Any way Revele! Ciò che fu, non è più.
Ciò che fu fatto, disfa.
Passato è il pericolo, finita è la prova.
Metti le cose a posto.
Aargh! - Dude, what are you doing? - We're not breakin' into Langley here.
You never know what new stuff they have.
Better safe than The security system here is a guy named Rusty.
- Now get up.
- Whoa, head rush.
Cool! Guys, come on.
Quit jerkin' around.
See, that's cool.
How come he gets to play with all the cool stuff? I'm allergic to methane and you're afraid of hot things.
Besides, the tank kept makin' both of us tip over, remember? - Got it.
- It's beautiful.
Boys, congratulations.
Phase one of the plan is now complete.
Let's get the hell outta here.
What are you boys doing? We're with a tour group.
The "Get The Freeze Ray" tour group.
Must've gotten separated.
Museum closed five hours ago.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Guess we just lost track of time.
We should probably get the freeze ray outta here now.
Cos we love the learning, Rusty.
Museums, libraries, Disney Hall of Presidents not boring.
But more to the point, goodbye.
Dude, that is so cool! The freeze ray totally worked.
Yeah Uh, not exactly.
There's a kink or two.
It's just a prototype.
Hey, that's really neato and stuff, but in the meantime, you know ow! Be a bigger wuss.
Can we just go back to the lair? Because I can't really feel my fingers.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
- Is he gonna, like? - Oh, he'll be fine.
He'll defrost in a couple of days.
No harm, no foul.
- Won't he tell on us? - And say what? "Two guys and a mime took me out with their freeze ray"? It's likely.
Come on.
Hey.
Here's some hot chocolate.
You want? No, thanks.
Still kinda queasy.
OK.
Maybe later.
Hey.
No, it's OK.
It's it's just a siren.
It's it's all right.
OK? - You OK? - Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Just you know.
Everything feels weird.
I mean, it's like I felt like I was in that cage for weeks.
But it can still be OK right? I can still get into the swing of things.
Like prom's coming up.
I was so hoping Larry would ask me.
We would make such a splash at Oh.
Oh, God.
He hasn't asked someone else, has he? Amy three things we have to talk about.
One, Larry's gay.
Two, Larry's dead.
And three, high school's kinda over.
How long was I in the cage? How long?! Willow? Hey.
How you doin'? Oh.
Um OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Not parades and cotton candy, but OK.
Will, um can I talk to you about something? - Of course.
- Right.
OK.
Um You know how we all make choices? And sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're less good.
Uh-huh.
Well, lately, l, um Oh, Tara, hey Amy? The whole school? By a giant snake thing.
OK, still adjusting.
Hey, Buffy.
Hi.
- How've you been? - Rat.
You? - Dead.
- Oh.
- Well, I should let you guys catch up.
I can - No, no, no, stay.
Do you have any cookies? - Yeah.
What kind? - Any kind.
Not cheese.
- Sure, in the kitchen.
I'll just get'em.
- No, I'll grab'em.
OK, well, at least, you know, let me make up the couch for you.
It's late, you should stay here.
Everybody does.
Thank you.
- Wow.
- I know.
Is she gonna be OK? Don't know.
She's kinda freaked out.
But then I would be too.
Wow.
Yeah, I just realised I could.
Thought of the right thing, and It's nice, having another magically-inclined friend around.
So, what were you gonna tell me? You were sounding all serious.
Huh? Oh.
It's nothing.
I mean, the whole Amy, rat, Amy thing No way I'm toppin' that.
Hey.
How you doin'? Need anything? No, thanks.
Good cookies.
- Sorry about your mom.
- Thanks.
- It's crazy, all the things that've happened.
- No kidding.
Snyder got eaten by a snake.
High school got destroyed Oh, Gatorade has a new flavour.
Blue.
See? Head spinning.
People getting frozen.
Willow's dating girls.
And did you hear about Tom and Nicole? People getting frozen? .
.
in critical yet stable condition, as authorities continue their investigation into the robbery that left one man frozen solid.
Live from the museum, Bryan Morris, KOUS.
Weird.
Excuse me.
Great.
Well, well.
Look who decided to show up.
What are you doing here, Spike? Well, you know a man was frozen alive in there? A little compassion, love.
As long as we're both here, you might as well tag along.
As a team, we could - Yeah, that never really ends well, does it? - It did the other night.
You really seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike.
And you seem awfully quick to forget about'em.
Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more.
But? But when I kissed you you know I was thinking about Giles, right? I always wondered about you two.
What? Oh, gross, Spike! He left.
I was depressed.
Ergo vulnerability and bad kissing decisions.
But that's all that it was.
You have to let it go.
- Did it work? - What? You convince yourself? Please, stop.
A man can change.
You're not a man.
You're a thing.
- Stop walkin' away.
- Don't touch me! Argh! Arghh! Ohh! You're a thing.
An evil, disgusting thing.
Look at all the goodies.
- Aargh! - That's right, you should scream.
Creature of the night here, yeah? Some people forget that.
- Please.
- She thinks I'm house-broken.
- She forgot who she's dealing with.
- Anything Just cos she's confused about where she fits in, I'm supposed to be too? Cos I'm not.
I know what I am.
I'm dangerous.
I'm evil.
- I'm sure you're not evil.
- Yes, I am.
I am a killer.
That's what I do.
I kill.
And, yeah, maybe it's been a long time, but it's not like you forget how.
You just do it.
And now I can - again - all right? So here goes.
- This might hurt a little.
Aargh! What the hell is going on? Good God, that's a lot of shake.
I mean, I know part of our big movie and milkshake fun day, but good God, that's a lot of shake.
Helps to wash down the Raisinets.
Promise me you will eat something green tonight.
Leafy green, not gummy green.
- Movie was fun.
- Yeah.
It was ironic when all those cute inner-city kids taught their coach a valuable lesson.
You know that I will always be there for you, right? There was actually more of a lead-in when I practised that at home.
- I know.
- It's just I wanted you to know that my moving out had nothing to do with you, and I will never stop loving you.
I know.
- Do you think you'll ever get back together? - I wish I knew.
- But you still love her.
- Very much.
I just Sometimes other things get in the way.
I know.
She's been doing a lot better lately, though.
She's been really good about being careful about stuff.
Well, good.
Great.
That's that's great.
Here.
Says the guard's definitely gonna live.
He's all thawed out.
It says they used hair dryers.
Huh.
Everything slowed down.
His nervous system, circulatory system - He's still unconscious.
Anya? It's such a pain.
The text I wanted, Giles took it with him.
He has this thing that owning a book makes it, like, his property.
What should we do? Should we call him? It's, like, the middle of last night there.
Or maybe it's tomorrow.
Anyone remember how that works? It's OK, no one freak.
We'll just do it another way.
I don't think we need to resort to I mean Oh.
Hey.
Cool.
Back to basics.
A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action.
That's great, Will, I haven't seen you do that in a long time.
I don't remember that part.
It's quicker.
It'll just take a sec to go through the files.
OK.
Internal police report.
A diamond was stolen from the museum last night.
A big one.
On loan from the British Museum.
They're withholding information to smoke out the criminals.
Oh It's pretty.
There's a picture.
Well, is it a supernatural diamond? You know, like, healing powers, or good-lucky? Maybe it's cursed.
Diamonds are excellent for cursing.
Well, we'll keep checkin', shall we? Well, you know, I am kinda beat, and I betcha that's tiring, that thing you're doin' there - Guys, I'm fine.
What's the deal with? - Oh, for cryin' out loud.
This is bizarre.
You're all "la la la!" with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you, and everyone's scared to say anything to you.
Except me.
Is this that thing I do that you were commenting? Guys, it's OK.
It's hard, but it's better this way.
Little things started taking over - things that didn't matter, but we saw them differently, so they got blown out of proportion.
And this time away will help us sort through things.
Really.
Now, let's just keep working on this.
I don't wanna leave Amy alone in the house so long.
Amy, is she? How is she adjusting? It's hard to say.
It's a lot to take in.
I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff.
You know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner.
Let's definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.
- I didn't know it'd be so sparkly.
- And so big.
Yes, gentlemen, it turns out size is everything.
No offence, man.
It makes colours with the light.
All right, we've finished the first part.
Time for phase two.
Is the van fired up? Check.
Hello! It's called knocking! Knock, knock, robot boy.
Need you to look at my chip.
Is that British slang or something? Cos we're not - In my head.
The chip in my head.
- We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
You can play holodeck another time.
Right now, I'm in charge.
What are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like playing your Wait, what are you doing? Examine my chip, or else Mr Fett here is the first to die.
Hey, all right.
Let's not let's not do anything crazy here.
That's a limited edition, All right.
Dude chill.
You can still make it right.
You know you don't wanna do this.
What I want is answers, nimrod.
Right.
But you don't wanna hurt the Fett, cos, man, you're not comin' back from that.
You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
- That right? Let's find out.
- Agh! One second.
- I think that's Spike.
- Of course it is, and he's evil.
- Completely capable of removing that head.
- I'm gonna help him.
Are you sure we can trust him? I mean, we all have heads too.
We help him, and he owes us one.
We get Spike on our side, we get info on Buffy.
Maybe we can even find a way to keep her out of phase two.
- Jonathan's right.
Can we trust him? - Course not.
But alliances aren't about trust.
See, he needs us, we need him.
That's how these things work.
- I think we're ready.
Agreed? - Agreed.
Do what you need to do.
I think we can work somethin' out.
I'll take a look at your chip.
It'll be a deal.
We scratch your back, you scratch I'm not scratching your anything.
You do what I tell you.
That's the deal.
Deal? - Deal.
- Then let's go.
Oh! It's OK, it's OK.
It'll be fine.
Amy? God, you're back.
You said you wouldn't be gone that long.
- I wasn't.
I mean, I thought it was - Let's go somewhere.
- Don't you wanna go see your dad? - No.
I can't.
Not yet.
Too many questions.
- About where you were.
- No, about how I got there.
I wish there was a way I could make him forget the last three years.
Well, hey, I can help you with that.
Only you might wanna sew your name into your clothes first or somethin'.
I just don't wanna deal with him right now.
I think I would be bored.
- Well.
- Come on, let's get outta here.
Well, what do you wanna do? I don't know.
Something fun.
Anything not involving a big wheel.
Or maybe you'd rather sit home all night, alone, like in high school.
No.
No.
You know what? I can have fun.
- Heck, I deserve some fun.
- Yeah, you do.
I can party! Not like I owe anyone anything.
I am totally free.
So let's make with the fun.
You're English, right? Yeah.
I've seen every episode of Doctor Who.
- Not Red Dwarf, though, cos, um - Cos it's not out yet on DVD.
Right.
It's not out yet on DVD.
- Warren! - Here I am.
Here.
Bloody hell.
Get on with it, then.
- Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.
- OK.
Right.
Um Your chip works fine.
Yeah.
- There's gotta be something wrong - No, no, listen.
I don't know what that thing does.
I'd like to.
- Hey.
- But whatever it is, it works fine.
The signal still is coming through on a steady pulse - which it's supposed to.
- If you're lying to me - No! It's all right here.
I mean, it is.
It's really not that hard to figure out, if you just What? - You tell anyone about this - No, I promise.
Who would I tell? - I don't even know what this is about.
- It's about the rules having changed.
Everything's different now.
Nothin' wrong with me.
Something wrong with her.
Hello! We're home! - Looks like no one's here.
- Well, I'm sure they'll be back soon.
I know Willow and Buffy were meeting up with Xander to do some research.
Well, then, I should probably get back.
Or you can stay and wait for them.
Then you can get a chance to catch up with everyone.
Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea.
OK.
Your call.
I have the TV to keep me company till they get back.
You notice how it's been getting dark so much earlier these days? Ha.
Talking cat.
Fine.
I'll stay, but just until they get back.
And only to make sure that you're not alone.
This has nothing to do with anyone else.
Sure.
Cool.
Up to you.
I know.
Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either.
It's so weird.
So, what's she like? Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.
Well, that's so his type.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Well, let's go, then.
We're gonna go dance.
Do you wanna come? Oh.
No.
You go.
I'll keep an eye on our drinks.
OK.
You know, because if you want something a little more your style I'm sure we can swing that.
No.
Really, no.
Hi.
Brie.
Willow.
Nice um, top.
- No.
Thanks, but no.
- Are you sure? - I'm not She I'm still - It's cool.
Oh.
Sorry.
- So, are we gonna go? - Yeah.
- Sure you're gonna be OK? - Yeah.
Go.
I'm all kinds of good.
No use looking at me like that.
It's the gullet for you, mister.
Hey.
Sorry.
I kinda got caught up.
No, it's OK.
You know, if rats could dance they probably wouldn't gnaw so much.
Hey, come on.
We're just gettin' started.
- I think I'll sit this one out.
- You can't just work us up like that, then - Hey! - I think she said no.
Well, nobody asked you Ellen.
- You wanna dance? - That's all.
Nice, slow relaxing dance.
- Gee.
- I think I do feel more relaxed.
Aha! I got it! Here's our villain, right here! What? That's a D&D manual, sweetie.
No, but it could Oh.
Face it, we're not gonna find it because it doesn't exist.
There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds.
Well, maybe he doesn't eat them.
You know, maybe he just thinks they're pretty.
We suck.
We need new brains.
What's up with Willow? - Out with Amy, I guess.
- Great, someone to do more magic with.
But at least she's not all cooped up and crying.
That's forward momentum.
I don't know everything that happened with Tara, but Tara thinks Willow is doin' too much magic.
And she's not the only one.
I know.
But I think she'll be fine.
It's Willow.
She of the level head.
Those are the ones you have to watch out for the most - responsible types.
Right.
She might go crazy and start alphabetising everything.
I'm serious.
Responsible people are always so concerned with being good all the time, that when they finally get a taste of being bad, they can't get enough.
It's all kablooey.
- That's not true.
- OK, not kablooey, more like bam! It's human nature, Buff.
Will's getting a taste of something powerful, way bigger than her.
She was getting out of control with it before Tara left, and now that she's gone It's gotta be seductive.
Just giving in to it, going totally wild.
- We need to keep an eye on her.
- OK.
We'll keep an eye.
But we can't assume everybody's getting seduced.
Sometimes Magic Box.
Slayer.
Spike? Meet me at the cemetery.
Spike? Bloody hell.
Yes, it's me.
You're calling me on the phone? - Just be there.
- Why? Are you helping again? You have a lead on this frost monster? Something like that, yeah.
Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
What?! No.
No grunting! I was talking shop, love, but if you got other ideas - you, me, cosy little tomb with a view - So, what did Captain Peroxide want? - Nothing.
He just, you know, wanted to see if I wanted to patrol, for the monster.
But I told him that l would not.
I'm telling you, I think there's something about this thing.
I don't know.
It seems like we've been through every book.
Even the ones that weren't so boring you wanna die.
- We have those? - All the things that have happened lately, - the bank robbery, the jewellery heist - The exploding lint.
- Is it me, or do these things seem really - Lame? Well, I was gonna go with unusual, but yeah.
I'll do a quick patrol tonight, and after a good night's sleep, we can solve this tomorrow.
- Optimism.
I remember optimism.
- That's because you're, like, a thousand.
- Good night, guys.
- Night.
- Slayer.
- And so my night is now complete.
- You never showed.
- Sorry.
Little busy actually doing stuff.
- You shouldn't be so flip.
- You gonna walk-behind-me to death? I'm just sayin' things might be a little different.
You ought to be careful.
Enough.
Get outta my way.
Or what? Oh, the pain, the pain is gone.
Guess what I just found out.
Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart.
How? Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong.
It's a trick.
You did something to the chip.
It's no trick.
It's not me, it's you.
Just you, in fact - that's the funny part.
You're the one that's changed.
That's why this doesn't hurt me.
Came back a little less human than you were.
You're wrong.
Then how come you're so spooked, love? And why can l do that? You're wrong.
You know, this music isn't quite Poor little lost girl.
She doesn't fit in anywhere.
She's got no one to love.
Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey.
Can't be a human, can't be a vampire.
Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the Slayer.
But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
- I'm in love with you.
- You're in love with pain.
Admit it.
You like me because you enjoy getting beat down.
So, really, who's screwed up? Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side.
What's your excuse? So we've kinda played this scene.
- Yeah.
- Return.
I just keep thinking there's gotta be someplace, like, bigger than this.
Besides, it's way too early to go home yet.
- I wasn't plannin' on hurtin' you.
Much.
- You haven't even come close to hurting me.
Afraid to give me the chance? You afraid I'm gonna?