Childrens Hospital (2010) s06e09 Episode Script
Sperm Bank Heist
Previously on Childrens Hospital And I finally got past level 300 on Candy Crush.
No need to be sarcastic.
If I stop clapping at this pace the bomb strapped to my back will go off.
But congrats on the game! Oh, thanks.
Attention, staff.
Here at Childrens Hospital, every day is children's day.
Hey, Val.
- Hey.
- Dr.
Spratt? You're staring at my belly.
- What? No.
- Is that a bomb? You are.
I might be totally off base here, but I think you have a full-on case of baby fever.
Ugh.
I really wish I was pregnant.
See! I know, and the clock's ticking, right? Hey, what about a sperm bank? I mean, they've got healthy, smart little wigglers that they could just stuff up inside you.
A sperm bank? With my credit score? Let's face it, Cat.
I'm just never gonna get pregnant.
Gosh, this must be so hard for you, especially with Sy's new sperm bank right over there.
Sy what? All those sperm Just a few feet away.
All good to go, Sy.
This is the highest-grade sperm in the world.
You boys make sure it's protected at all times.
Here we go.
Hmm.
Wait, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking.
Let's go steal some semen.
This isn't gonna be easy.
Why not? We can do this.
I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum? Well, that was a walk in the park.
We need to get the gang back together.
First, we need a hacker You post some weird stuff on Snapchat.
How did you get into my account? I don't know.
Maybe I used a packet sniffer to locate a hole in the OpenSSL, and then spoofed your I.
P.
with a backdoor payload.
Ah-doy.
and a lifter Ooh! Oh.
Didn't see you there, sir.
Sorry, little fella.
an Asian contortionist and finally, we need muscle.
We pick the lock, and then -- bingo -- Wall-to-wall ejaculate like you've only dreamed of.
It's a good plan.
Only fault I can see in it is Glenn.
Hey, you know what? Why don't you hack into the First National Bank of Shut up? Or better yet, why don't you hack into Second National Bank of Go jump in a lake? Okay, enough! I can't have my crew fighting, Not with all that semen on the line.
Are you in, or are you out? Well, what's in it for us? There is 80 cubic liters of semen in that bank.
Enough to spread around.
That's a lot of semen.
My nephew's been thinking about going to college, what with tuition these days could really use some of that sperm.
I have been looking for a new binding agent for my model airplane glue.
I do need to complete my collection of fluids that start with "S.
" Fine, I'm in.
- Blake? - What? What could you possibly bring to the table? Ever heard of the stealing power of laughter? Oh, God.
No.
Okay, then I will leave the room but, guys, have fun, all right? That's the most important thing.
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Okay, we're all set.
Except retina scanner.
Oh, retina scanner.
I tried to backsource the encrypted seedbox, but Sy isolated the compounds with a protein-based catalyst.
Universal tachyon propulsion's never been my strong suit, so So Sy's load is gonna slip right through our fingers.
What are we gonna do? We need an inside man.
Clocking out Matthew Hauser.
She's all yours, Hector.
Take care of her.
Clocking in Hector Taycarofher.
Hi.
Dr.
Flame.
Geez.
Yeah, I was thinking, Hauser.
You're slaving away every day at this sperm bank, when you could be living off it, on a beach somewhere.
I can't help you steal Sy's sperm.
I need to get pregnant, okay? And Sy's sitting on the best sperm around.
If you really want to have a baby that bad, maybe I can help.
No, thanks.
I want Ivy League sperm.
I went to Stanford.
It's considered Ivy lev-- Shut up.
Listen.
I'll sweeten the deal, all right? You be my inside man and I'll let you be in my insides, man.
I'm talking about sex.
In and out.
So are you in, or are you out? Yeah, I-I-I could do that.
Great.
Watch these vials.
They're like my children.
And very much like my real children, I keep them locked in a cold, sterile fridge.
Okay, open wide.
Here we go.
And close.
Great.
All right, clock has started, everyone.
Chief, you're up.
On it.
Where's our blindfold, guys? Glenn, you're up.
Hey, excuse me, do you, um, do you, um -- do you have a s-- Around and back again.
I'm in position.
No sign of Lola.
Just the janitor.
I knew we couldn't trust her.
Too bad your brain's not as big as your bicep, Glenn.
The janitor's on to us.
The janitor just ripped off his mustache.
No, Glenn, it's me -- Lola.
The janitor's name is Lola.
And he looks just like Lola.
You want I should break his neck? Ohh! Oh! - Hey! - Hyah! Okay, I'm in.
Now hacking and stuff.
What the Clocking in trusted employee Matthew Hauser.
Cameras offline.
Sy's on his way to the vault.
Lola, why didn't you warn us? I still hate you.
I'm gonna have such angry sex with you.
We're toast.
Wu Lee Now! - Sy Mittleman.
- Whoo! Wu Lee, didn't I ask you to clean the cafeteria? Not the ceiling! Whoo! Whoo! Wow! Whoo! Whoa-wee, whoa-wee, whoa! You get the whole thing down, too.
Ho, ho, ho.
That's amazing.
That -- that is -- that is a talent, boy.
Good for you, you lucky stiff! We made it.
We got to the sperm! And I'll be keeping all of it, thank you.
What are you talking about? You said -- On the floor, hands on your head, both of you.
Thanks for all your help, but if I'm gonna get super preggers, I'm gonna need all the sperm I can get my hands on.
- But you owe me the sex.
- Shut up.
You still owe me the sex.
- Shut up.
- You promised sex.
Shut up.
Time to make a baby.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I am disappointed in every single one of you.
Please, Mr.
Mittleman -- - Shh! - Mr.
Mittleman.
What did I just say? You said, "Shh.
" Matthew, what do I tell all of my employees? To watch the vials like they're your children.
That's right.
Like they're my children.
Because they are all my children.
This is all my very own semen.
You filled the whole vault? Yeah.
I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton.
Mm, top-tier Ivy.
So you see, everyone? This sperm bank is not just a business for me.
It's my legacy.
Okay, then I will leave the room.
But, guys, have fun.
Clocking in Hector Taycarofher.
I can't believe that he outsmarted all of us.
Wait.
Why did I do this again? Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo! Gettin' too close, better pull on back Sucker punches, need a one-two I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' Ooh, ooh Let's blast off Let's blast off, blast off
No need to be sarcastic.
If I stop clapping at this pace the bomb strapped to my back will go off.
But congrats on the game! Oh, thanks.
Attention, staff.
Here at Childrens Hospital, every day is children's day.
Hey, Val.
- Hey.
- Dr.
Spratt? You're staring at my belly.
- What? No.
- Is that a bomb? You are.
I might be totally off base here, but I think you have a full-on case of baby fever.
Ugh.
I really wish I was pregnant.
See! I know, and the clock's ticking, right? Hey, what about a sperm bank? I mean, they've got healthy, smart little wigglers that they could just stuff up inside you.
A sperm bank? With my credit score? Let's face it, Cat.
I'm just never gonna get pregnant.
Gosh, this must be so hard for you, especially with Sy's new sperm bank right over there.
Sy what? All those sperm Just a few feet away.
All good to go, Sy.
This is the highest-grade sperm in the world.
You boys make sure it's protected at all times.
Here we go.
Hmm.
Wait, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking.
Let's go steal some semen.
This isn't gonna be easy.
Why not? We can do this.
I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum? Well, that was a walk in the park.
We need to get the gang back together.
First, we need a hacker You post some weird stuff on Snapchat.
How did you get into my account? I don't know.
Maybe I used a packet sniffer to locate a hole in the OpenSSL, and then spoofed your I.
P.
with a backdoor payload.
Ah-doy.
and a lifter Ooh! Oh.
Didn't see you there, sir.
Sorry, little fella.
an Asian contortionist and finally, we need muscle.
We pick the lock, and then -- bingo -- Wall-to-wall ejaculate like you've only dreamed of.
It's a good plan.
Only fault I can see in it is Glenn.
Hey, you know what? Why don't you hack into the First National Bank of Shut up? Or better yet, why don't you hack into Second National Bank of Go jump in a lake? Okay, enough! I can't have my crew fighting, Not with all that semen on the line.
Are you in, or are you out? Well, what's in it for us? There is 80 cubic liters of semen in that bank.
Enough to spread around.
That's a lot of semen.
My nephew's been thinking about going to college, what with tuition these days could really use some of that sperm.
I have been looking for a new binding agent for my model airplane glue.
I do need to complete my collection of fluids that start with "S.
" Fine, I'm in.
- Blake? - What? What could you possibly bring to the table? Ever heard of the stealing power of laughter? Oh, God.
No.
Okay, then I will leave the room but, guys, have fun, all right? That's the most important thing.
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Okay, we're all set.
Except retina scanner.
Oh, retina scanner.
I tried to backsource the encrypted seedbox, but Sy isolated the compounds with a protein-based catalyst.
Universal tachyon propulsion's never been my strong suit, so So Sy's load is gonna slip right through our fingers.
What are we gonna do? We need an inside man.
Clocking out Matthew Hauser.
She's all yours, Hector.
Take care of her.
Clocking in Hector Taycarofher.
Hi.
Dr.
Flame.
Geez.
Yeah, I was thinking, Hauser.
You're slaving away every day at this sperm bank, when you could be living off it, on a beach somewhere.
I can't help you steal Sy's sperm.
I need to get pregnant, okay? And Sy's sitting on the best sperm around.
If you really want to have a baby that bad, maybe I can help.
No, thanks.
I want Ivy League sperm.
I went to Stanford.
It's considered Ivy lev-- Shut up.
Listen.
I'll sweeten the deal, all right? You be my inside man and I'll let you be in my insides, man.
I'm talking about sex.
In and out.
So are you in, or are you out? Yeah, I-I-I could do that.
Great.
Watch these vials.
They're like my children.
And very much like my real children, I keep them locked in a cold, sterile fridge.
Okay, open wide.
Here we go.
And close.
Great.
All right, clock has started, everyone.
Chief, you're up.
On it.
Where's our blindfold, guys? Glenn, you're up.
Hey, excuse me, do you, um, do you, um -- do you have a s-- Around and back again.
I'm in position.
No sign of Lola.
Just the janitor.
I knew we couldn't trust her.
Too bad your brain's not as big as your bicep, Glenn.
The janitor's on to us.
The janitor just ripped off his mustache.
No, Glenn, it's me -- Lola.
The janitor's name is Lola.
And he looks just like Lola.
You want I should break his neck? Ohh! Oh! - Hey! - Hyah! Okay, I'm in.
Now hacking and stuff.
What the Clocking in trusted employee Matthew Hauser.
Cameras offline.
Sy's on his way to the vault.
Lola, why didn't you warn us? I still hate you.
I'm gonna have such angry sex with you.
We're toast.
Wu Lee Now! - Sy Mittleman.
- Whoo! Wu Lee, didn't I ask you to clean the cafeteria? Not the ceiling! Whoo! Whoo! Wow! Whoo! Whoa-wee, whoa-wee, whoa! You get the whole thing down, too.
Ho, ho, ho.
That's amazing.
That -- that is -- that is a talent, boy.
Good for you, you lucky stiff! We made it.
We got to the sperm! And I'll be keeping all of it, thank you.
What are you talking about? You said -- On the floor, hands on your head, both of you.
Thanks for all your help, but if I'm gonna get super preggers, I'm gonna need all the sperm I can get my hands on.
- But you owe me the sex.
- Shut up.
You still owe me the sex.
- Shut up.
- You promised sex.
Shut up.
Time to make a baby.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I am disappointed in every single one of you.
Please, Mr.
Mittleman -- - Shh! - Mr.
Mittleman.
What did I just say? You said, "Shh.
" Matthew, what do I tell all of my employees? To watch the vials like they're your children.
That's right.
Like they're my children.
Because they are all my children.
This is all my very own semen.
You filled the whole vault? Yeah.
I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton.
Mm, top-tier Ivy.
So you see, everyone? This sperm bank is not just a business for me.
It's my legacy.
Okay, then I will leave the room.
But, guys, have fun.
Clocking in Hector Taycarofher.
I can't believe that he outsmarted all of us.
Wait.
Why did I do this again? Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo! Gettin' too close, better pull on back Sucker punches, need a one-two I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin' Ooh, ooh Let's blast off Let's blast off, blast off