It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e09 Episode Script

Here comes my main man, Matty! Time for a haircut, Matty, though.
Don't make me give it to ya.
- You the man, Professor.
- You're the man if you stay in school, J.
J! - All right.
- All right, you.
Lisa, how's the G.
P.
A.
? Keep it up, up, up, up, up! Professor! Hey, there's my man.
Oh, time-out, son! Hang on, son.
Uh, did you forget something here? - Sorry? - This orange- it belong to you? - Uh, no.
- Looks pretty good.
Not too peeled.
Pretty intact here.
You want it? No, thanks.
I'm cool, Professor.
You're cool? Well, when you're cool, you're cool.
Well, hey! Dee, how's it going? Teacher's lounge.
Pretty sweet.
How'd you swing that? I'm a teacher now, Charlie.
I'm subbing for Dr.
Myers while he gets his hip fixed.
Look at us with our new careers, huh? How 'bout that? Yours is kinda the same, you know, 'cause you've always sort of been a janitor.
- Nah, but I'm thriving here, I'll tell you what.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Did you get that orange out of the garbage? - I sure did.
Can you believe that? Someone threw this away.
Perfectly good orange, you know? They were digging at it a little bit, and must've given up, but - - Don't eat trash, Charlie.
- I'll eat what I want to eat, okay? - Miss Reynolds, please report to the front office immediately.
You have an emergency call.
- Miss Reynolds, to the front office, please.
- Emergency? Come on.
Jump on that.
- Hello? - Yeah.
Hey, Dee.
It's Dennis, Mac and Frank.
- Hey, what's the matter? - I've only just heard.
I've only just heard.
Your belly's so fat, you make John Candy look like Lara Flynn Boyle.
- Snap! - What? We've been on a snap-joke kick about your pregnant body but since you're not around, we decided to call you.
I don't know.
He's talking about a Lara Flynn Boyle joke.
I think we got some better ones.
- I have another one.
- Goddamn it, you guys! I am a teacher now, okay? Don't ever call me here again! I don't have time for your shit, you dumbass dickbags! Wrong number.
Sorry.
Okay.
Good morning, everybody.
Hi.
Good morning.
Uh, as you are all aware, Dr.
Myers recently broke his hip and, unfortunately, I've been given some devastating news that he's taken a turn for the worse and he's died.
Now, while we all feel robbed of him here on Earth heaven above has just received another angel.
And that is what you call a monologue! You guys, you're all gonna be doing your own monologues in this class.
Now, they're not gonna be as good as mine just was, but listen - I don't want you to beat yourselves up for - - Okay, okay.
I'm confused.
So, Dr.
Myers isn't dead? No, no.
No, not dead.
Very much alive.
But that's the power of acting.
Do you see what I'm saying? One minute dead, the next minute alive- resurrection.
It's all acting! Everywhere there's acting.
Let's talk about you guys.
Why don't you tell me, uh, what your favorite play is.
Raise your hand if you've ever seen live theater.
Seriously? Are you kidding me? All right.
That's it.
I am taking you guys on a field trip to Broadway! I'm taking you to New York City.
- Whoa! Yeah! - Yes! Yes! - Yeah! - They've got really good Chinese food.
Hey, fat bitch, how you doing today, Richard? - He's a happy clown.
- Hey, hey, hey! Break it up! Break it up! Aw, come on.
Which one of you guys did this? Who painted your face, kid? - I did.
- He's a dumbass Juggalo.
- Juggalos for life, bitch! - Watch what you say, Richard.
Hey, hey! You watch what you say! All right.
You know what? I want the three of you out of the bathroom.
I'm talking to the clown.
Let's go.
And I got my eyes on you guys for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I've sized you up.
I've stripped you down.
I don't like what I see.
I'm not impressed.
Big tough guys, huh? Big tough guys! - Yeah.
- Kid, what's going on with the clown makeup, though? - You're sticking out like a sore thumb.
- That's 'cause I'm a Juggalo.
I.
C.
P.
!.
Insane Clown Posse, yo.
I don't know what that - You have a posse? Well, good.
Stick with your insane clown people, and you won't get jumped.
They're a band, dude.
I'm, like, a die-hard fan.
We're called Juggalos.
Where are your real friends, dude? I lost all my friends.
Aw, shit, man.
I lost all my friends too.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
You know what? If you want to wear your clown makeup in school, wear it.
I got your back.
You won't get jumped.
Yeah, I ain't exactly allowed to wear my makeup in school, though.
- Oh, really? - Bunch of bullshit, dawg! That is bullshit! All right, kid, today's your lucky day, all right? We're gonna talk to the principal, okay? 'Cause the professor just took an interest in ya! I'm bored to tears.
Let's go harass Charlie and Dee.
We don't need Charlie and Dee to have fun, okay? We can figure out something to do without them.
You know, guys? Now might be a good time to do our Lethal Weapon 5 reshoots.
Why would we do reshoots on that? That movie was perfect.
Yeah, I was great in it, and my villain was very evil.
No, you did a great job, Frank.
I'm not talking about that.
Your villain was amazing.
- I'm referring more to the blackface of it all.
- What's wrong with the blackface? Well, I seriously regret switching parts with you halfway through and letting you play Murtaugh in blackface.
I feel like it was in very poor taste in retrospect.
I think it was in poor taste that you were doing Murtaugh in whiteface.
I mean, for God's sakes, Dennis, what message does that send? A lot of great actors have done blackface.
Oh, you know, there's countless examples of very classy actors doing blackface.
Let's see, we've got the great C.
Thomas Howell in Soul Man.
We've got the Wayans brothers in White Chicks.
That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.
Okay, those are bad examples, okay? There's tons of good examples of old movies with- Frank, help me out.
Laurence Olivier in Othello.
- Laurence Olivier in Othello, dude.
- Perfect.
- That's the classiest actor of all time.
- Perfect.
Yeah, but I guarantee you there was some black people that were working on that movie that were, like, "Man, what dat white man doing? Dat ain't right.
Get a black man.
" - Okay, so hold on.
- What kind of voice is that? You're doing a black voice, and that's not racist? I'm just saying that's how black people talk.
That's not racist.
So you would do a black guy with a black voice but not a black guy with a black face? I don't have a problem at all with doing a black voice.
- That's just an accurate portrayal.
- I don't understand that.
I'm just saying it's just about doing it tastefully, okay? Yeah, and you got to make the lips funny.
- Oh, no! - No, no, no.
What? - They have to be funny.
The lips have to be outlined.
- It's not about funny.
It's not about being funny at all, okay? It's about - Oh, my God! I'm getting pissed off! - You can't do the voice without the lips.
- Everybody calm down.
Clearly, we're not gonna come to any conclusions here today, so let's move past it.
- Let's do something else.
- Okay, right.
We can find something to do.
Let's just figure it out.
Let's put our heads together.
Come on.
Think, think.
So, you want to take them to New York? - Yes, to Broadway.
- Oh.
I tell you what.
I brought it up - the kids are super stoked about it.
- Now, let's talk hotel rooms.
- Um, you know, I - - I guess the first point I'd like to make - - Mm-hmm? - Uh, Miss Reynolds, is, uh, you are a substitute.
- That's right.
So I really don't think you should be hauling students across state lines.
- Hmm.
- Secondly - Secondly, the funding for arts programs here is pretty much - - It's pretty much nonexistent.
- Hmm.
It's shameful, but that's the way it is.
So even if I did have the money, I would never - - And I emphasize never - - Mm-hmm.
give it to someone whom I've just met.
Knock, knock, knock.
Uh, am I interrupting? - Yes, we were right in the middle of something.
- Yes, thank you.
- She's not giving you too much trouble, is she? - No.
Oh, my gosh.
- So you two know each other.
- No, we met in - - Yeah, we're best friends.
- Best friends.
- We're best friends.
- Excellent.
Uh, Principal MacIntyre, I recently, uh - I started mentoring one of the kids here.
Really? That's odd, because you're a janitor.
Yeah.
Uh, but Richie here is a hell of a kid, and he's struggling.
You see, he's what he calls, uh, a juggler.
- Juggalo, bro.
- Juggalo.
He's a Juggalo.
- Juggalo.
- It's sort of a clown posse.
I figured you and I were getting tight enough that I could maybe come in here and ask that he be allowed to wear his makeup in school.
Uh, well, uh, you know, it's school policy that no one should paint their face.
So that's the rule, and that's the end of that.
- That's the rule.
- Yep.
- There's no wiggle room there.
- No.
Tell you what.
I'll take him to the locker room, lather him up real good.
I'll strip all these silly-ass clothes off him, and I'll clean him sparkling clean.
- Brand-new kid for you.
Bring him back up.
- No.
No, no.
Please don't bathe the students.
You're right.
He's a big man.
He can bathe himself, can't you, Rich? - Yeah, dawg.
- He's bathing himself, and I'm watching.
Let's go, Richie.
You're getting cleaned up.
Come on! I'd rather you didn't do that either.
Okay, there it is.
Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer.
- How is that not racist to you? - What? This is a terrible example of blackface.
This guy isn't trying to look like a real person.
He almost got the mouth right.
See, that's what I'm saying about the lips.
The lips are the most offensive part.
The guy is bugging his eyes out like a cartoon character, okay? This is racist as shit.
All blackface is racist, and that is the point I'm trying to make.
You just cannot cast a white man as a black man and paint his face black.
- You can't do it.
- They're actors.
They're trying to create an illusion.
In The Lord of the Rings movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard.
Do you think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole? I don't think so, dude.
Tom Cruise is a midget but he plays guys that are normal size in movies.
- But again, nobody's buying that either.
- Okay, look at this.
This is Laurence Olivier in Othello, and this is James Earl Jones.
- Now, look at how close they look.
- Look at that.
James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface.
James Earl Jones has a black face! He's a black man.
- He's not black.
- Of course, he's black! He was Darth Vader! Darth Vader was black.
- See? Okay, there we go.
- Darth Vader was not black.
They took the mask off.
He was white.
- I'm telling you, look, look.
We got to agree on this.
- The whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.
- No! Frank, if you're starting with shoe polish, you're starting off on the wrong foot, buddy.
No way.
Shoe polish? And he's on your side.
Stop arguing for me, okay? I got it.
Hold on.
This is Dee.
Let's - Hey, hey, Dee.
Uh, can you weigh in on something for us? - We're trying - - Hey, no.
No time.
Listen, I need you to do something for me.
Can you clear out the bar? I'm gonna bring some students from the classroom by, and we're gonna screen a movie there.
- Why? - Because I need these kids to respect me, you know and I want to show 'em how cool I am, so - - Plus, I feel like this would be a really good opportunity to Dennis, cover it up.
This is an opportunity to screen Laurence Olivier's Othello movie, you know? - Then we can get an audience to weigh in.
- That's not a bad idea.
We can really take the temperature on this with a large group.
- Yeah.
Kids are honest as shit.
- Yeah.
- Hi! Hello! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Dee, we're on it.
- We'll take care of the movie.
- No, no.
You're not taking care of the movie.
You're not railroading me on this, okay? This is my thing.
It's my movie.
Don't- I'll do the movie.
No, Dee, it's a classic, okay? It's Shakespeare.
Othello.
Laurence Olivier.
Come on.
Othello? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I have to apologize.
That's actually a really good idea.
Ooh, plus, it'll give me the opportunity - Okay, enough of that.
Guys, let's get set up for a screening.
All right.
We're gonna do it.
Uh, gentlemen, hello.
How do you do? Long time no see.
I'd like to introduce you to my protégé Richie.
Richie, these are the guys.
Say hello.
- What up? Juggalo for life.
- What the hell is he talking about? - Drop it with the Juggalo thing.
You're embarrassing me.
- Nah, I'm cool.
Okay.
Now, I know you're all super stoked about watching a movie in a bar but we're just gonna keep it on the down low.
You know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out.
- It's just our little secret.
- I've been in a bar before.
- No, you haven't.
- I've been in this bar before, so - Okay, you know what? Let's just watch the movie and stop with our smart mouths.
Uh, without further "adieu," Othello.
So I guess this is a Shakespearean movie.
It's gonna be a little bit boring.
Oh, shit! Lethal Weapon 5! This is great.
- What the hell is this? - It's our movie.
It's a much more modern-day example of blackface.
- It's the most direct way to clear up our argument, Dee, so What argument? - What are you talking about? - Shh! The movie's on.
This is a good movie, Richie.
You're gonna enjoy this.
Man, I ain't seen the first couple, though.
Happy retirement, Rog.
I'll be happy when I'm far away from your sorry ass, Riggs.
Just blow out the candles, Rog.
Make a wish.
Uh, I never know what to wish for with these damn things.
- That voice really is amazing, dude.
- Oh, thanks, man.
Thank you.
Riggs, Murtaugh! Bad news, fellas.
Hey, Captain.
Turns out another person just died from tainted tap water.
Turns out someone taint - Someone tapped the tainted water supply.
We should have cut him out completely.
The person who just died was your wife.
Riggs.
Yeah, Rog.
I just thought of my wish.
- Yeah.
You see him right there? - Oh, I see him.
You like sharks, Detective? Powerful and majestic creatures.
What is going on? Where are you? Frank splurged on a green screen.
But he wouldn't pay for the green screen on our side, so - - We're not in the back office.
- We're in a casino.
Why would I know anything about the tainted water? Maybe because your rival tribe owns the water rights to half of Los Angeles.
I need clean drinking water too! Even sharks need water.
Excuse me.
If you leave now I have some pressing matter to deal with.
Ahh.
Tsk.
Kinda comes out of nowhere but at least it's classy.
Here comes the turn.
I don't know why we, uh - Oh, Chief! Don't say anything.
Quiet! Quiet.
Good.
Very nice.
Oh! - Oh, come on.
- This is unwatchable.
- Gotta dive in.
- Just finish already! Now that you are Riggs and not Murtaugh and I have caught you alone, you are going to get it.
- Wait.
You guys switched parts? - Yeah, yeah.
As more people die the city will be looking to new resources for water like my tribe! And you can bet your boots, Detective that this time - This is regrettable.
You're supposed to be a noble people.
I tire of this conversation.
Do you have any last words? Yeah, I got some last words.
Go suck an egg.
Yeah, go suck an egg.
Go suck an egg? Sounds like you guys are having a great party.
Why wasn't I invited? Oh! Yaah! Ah! It's playing.
It's playing.
This is the greatest movie I've ever seen.
Are you filming this, Richie? No.
Come on, dude.
That's bootlegging.
I'll get you a copy.
Don't bootleg.
Okay.
You want to dance? All right, Chief Lazarus.
How 'bout a little tainted tap water? Yes! Yes! Yeah! Great job, Rog.
That's one fried turkey.
All right.
Let's get out of here.
We got 'im, baby.
I miss ya, kid.
# There's a haunted dwarf sittin' on my porch # # Gonna beat me up- # Okay.
Wow.
I think that video says more than I ever could.
As does that.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
So, we're fired, yeah? - Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah.
Probably never should have been hired in the first place, though, huh? - That was my bad.
- Mmm.
- Right, that's on you.
- Yeah, I probably won't be here much longer myself.
- No, I don't imagine you will, on account of the - I got something that might cheer us all up.
Who wants a little bit of - - Little bit of deliciousness here? - I'm not gonna eat that.