Lovejoy (1986) s06e09 Episode Script
Holding the Baby
What do you mean, "She's not here"? Her car's outside.
She went for lunch with her best friend.
Lunch? It's 3pm! It's a weekday.
This is no way to run a business! You never say that when she has lunch with you.
- That's different.
- Ah? She's a career woman.
Single-minded.
Hard-nosed.
Hi, Lovejoy.
Charlotte! You are an example to your breed.
(BABY CRIES) Am I getting older or are your clients getting younger? Meet Harry.
- He belongs to my friend Sarah.
- Hello, Harry! - Can't Sarah afford a nanny? - The nanny's fallen through.
And Sarah's mother's ill and Sarah's off to Belize for a few days.
Belize, eh? Modelling job.
And I'm the godmother.
It's no trouble.
I can see that, Charlotte.
Well, why shouldn't I have a baby? I mean, look after one, I mean.
And run a business.
It's just a question of planning, that's all.
Did you want to see me about something? At the auction tomorrow.
Lot 18.
The chair.
The chair? Hmm.
Well, the owner wants £2,000.
- I think I can get closer to three.
- I've got a buyer.
- Do you want it? - It would make me very happy.
- Lovejoy, was that it? Are you coming in? - Another appointment! - Norman? - Lovejoy! - What brings you here? - House clearance, of course.
I don't think so.
I'm here for a house clearance.
Norman! Norman! - Tinker! - Excuse me, Norman.
That's no good! I'm already 20 bars over my limit! Of course they don't know! I hid my ticket in the drawer.
Yes, but I'm bucking the trend! I'm gearing up.
Spend another ten! Yes, you can! Hide it in someone else's books! Because I'm telling you to.
Don't argue, Rodney! Just ship 'em in! Lovejoy, this is Mr Darren Chambers.
- Mr Chambers, sorry about your loss.
- Loss? What have you heard? Oh.
Aunt Edith.
No great loss.
I hardly knew her.
Now, then Excuse me, Mr Chambers.
Norman Ebersley.
I'm the one you called.
We spoke on the phone, if you don't mind.
- A double-booking here, Darren? - Why not? I want two of you here.
You don't object to a bit of free-market competition.
What, Norman? I'm sorry, I don't think this is a proper way to treat - What's the sp.
On this place? - The kitchen.
Forget the rest.
Can we get on, please? - I've got more important things to do.
- So have I, Mr Chambers.
I'll give you £700 for the contents of this room.
You've only been here five minutes! - That's all it takes.
- I'll give you £750.
- You're not well, Norman.
- It's not an auction, Norman.
£775 cash! Too rich for my blood, Mr Chambers.
Done! Tell me I'm right.
You're right.
- Nothing much in here, Tink, is there? - Rubbish.
Come on, Lovejoy! There must be something you want! There probably is.
- I just haven't seen anything yet - (PHONE RINGS) that makes the old Hang Seng rise, you know? - That mirror's nice.
- Nice chair.
- Chandelier's OK.
- Well, get in there! If I can get hold of another 12½ bars, the price only has to rise by half a point and I'll be covered.
I said 12½.
I'll give you £65 for that dresser full of stuff.
Done.
65.
No! I was talking to someone else! Come on, Tink, let's look at that mirror.
My information is it will! I can't afford to stop! I'm in over my head as it is! £65? You paid £65 for that lump of grease?! Including contents! - Why, Lovejoy? - A hunch.
A gamble.
A flutter.
- Hidden potential! - Like you, Norman.
Oh, yeah, it's the real thing, Tink.
The Helen of Troy of furniture.
A masterpiece in mahogany.
A perfect Regency side cabinet.
Whatever it is, it's murder to clean.
Look at these carved acanthus leaves here.
Must be worth at least 15 grand.
Could be more than that.
Might have a very interesting provenance.
You know what I'm thinking.
It could be a Davidson.
- A what? - William Davidson.
Early 19th-century cabinet-maker.
- Why haven't I heard of him? - Probably because his career was - Ceegh! - Exactly.
Cut short.
The half-caste son of Jamaica's Attorney General and a black woman.
Hanged in 1820 for conspiracy against the British Government.
- Oh.
The Cato Street conspiracy.
- Yeah! - I did do history, Lovejoy.
- I'm glad to hear it, Beth.
- Part of England's bloody past.
- Language! Could be right in front of us.
Keep cleaning, Beth.
Oh, come on, Lovejoy! My arm's going to fall off! Well, you've got another one.
It was a filthy old kitchen cabinet! - Leo should have told me.
- Never mind about that.
Who bought it? - Some local antiques dealer.
- Who? I've got his business card.
Here.
Lovejoy Antiques.
Right.
Andrea, the cabinet's been sold.
We can't get it back.
Oh, no? Watch me.
Lovejoy Antiques.
No, you've just missed him.
I understand he's acquired a rather fine 18th-century cabinet.
I'm interested in buying it.
Can I come round and see it? I don't see why not.
When shall I tell him to expect you? Difficult to say.
I'll be in touch.
- Can I take a? - (DIAL TONE BEEPS) - Oh! - Hello, Norman! NORMAN: All right, where is it? - I've got to see it.
- See what? The cabinet! The stuff from the living room was junk! Better luck next time, old son.
Just show me the cabinet, Tinker.
Oh, no No! How much? - You don't want to know.
- Why torment yourself? I've got to know! How much? - 10,000? 15?! - It could fetch more at auction.
We've already had enquiries.
If only I'd been five minutes earlier.
If only the moon were made of green cheese, then rockets would be shaped like fondue forks.
- No hard feelings? - No, Tinker, I know the score.
Some you win and some you lose.
- Nothing personal.
- That's the spirit.
(SHOUTING) That bastard! I think he took that rather well! You couldn't have made my name a touch smaller, could you?! (PHONE RINGS) Brian Newton.
Who? Oh Ebersley.
Yes.
Yeah, put him through.
Hello? Norman.
What can I do for you? It's more a question of what I can do for you.
You can pay up on time, for a start, or we'll have to fine you again.
I explained.
It's Doreen, my fiancee.
She's pregnant.
And she can't work in her condition because she's a fanda A cabaret artiste.
And she's already got two kids.
- Norman, do you have a point? - Yes, I have.
It's just that you're always going after people like me - small fry - when there are other people about who are much worse! For instance, there's this bloke called Lovejoy Hang on, Norman.
Lovejoy Go on, Norman.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Cheers.
Right.
Got it, Tim? - Yep.
- Okey-dokey - Bye! - See you later.
- How was the dinner? - Oh, it was fine.
- Who was that? - The restorers.
- Restorers? - The furniture restorers.
- Furniture restorers? - They came for the cabinet.
Shit! Get out of the bloody way! Not trying to avoid our appointment, are you, Lovejoy? What appointment? Lovejoy! This must be Mr Newton.
He phoned last night.
I'm sorry, I forgot to say.
And forgot to tell me my cabinet was stolen? - I signed a chit! - Signed a chit? - It could happen to anyone! - It could happen to anyone! Since when does my signature have a smiley face inside the O? Would you shift your car, please? - A stolen cabinet? - Who wants to know? Brian Newton, Customs and Excise.
The VAT man.
So just how valuable was this cabinet? Well, that's hard to say, Mr Newton.
You know the vagaries of the market.
Supply and demand Sentimental value.
Still, it's gone now, isn't it? Not my day.
I'll see if that coffee's ready.
- So, can they arrest you on the spot? - They can call in the troops! - You take these in.
- He's only upset.
- He hates me! - He doesn't! Tinker, how did you get on with the police? They need the licence number.
- I gave you a 4 and an X.
- They said that's not a lot of help.
NEWTON: Lovejoy! Whenever you're ready Can you find some biscuits? Make yourself useful.
I've seen it all before, Lovejoy.
I know what you're up to.
It's not just your stock.
It's your multiple personalities.
During your fleeting periods of VAT registration, Lovejoy Acquisitions frequently sells things to Lovejoy Retailing after a short but expensive intervention by Lovejoy Valuations! Cash flow.
I don't have any, so I have to offer myself very preferential terms.
And reclaim another 17.
5% every time.
Is that illegal? Yes, Sarah, it's great! No, really, no problem at all! I'm rather enjoying it! How's Belize? I'll pick you up at the airport.
What? The shoot's been extended? Till when? Lovejoy, you're playing the entire Value Added system like a Violin? A fiddle! But eventually, you will come unstuck.
And when you do, including the fine, give or take the odd candelabra, you will owe me about £15,000.
What time is it, Mr Newton? - It's two o'clock.
- Got an auction to go to.
OK Bye.
Charlotte, can you just sign? Not now, Kate.
I'm far too busy.
Here, take him for a minute, will you? Good boy.
- Charlotte! - Mm? - You've got the dummy on! - Oh, my God! Catch.
Am I selling, then, at £3,000? Any more at £3,000? Are we all done at £3,000? Going once, going twice for £3,000 Sold! For £3,000.
Lot number 18.
The mahogany open-arm elbow chair.
Who'll start the bidding at £1,500? £1,500.
Thank you, madam.
£1,600? £1,700.
£1,800? £1,800.
£1,900 £2,000? £2,000 anywhere? £2,000.
Thank you.
£2,100? £2,200? £2,200? Going for the first time for the second time I'm selling to you, madam, for £2,700.
(BANGS GAVEL) (HAMMERING) Oh, yes.
It's been a marvellous day, Tink.
My prize piece was half-inched by Laurel and Hardy, and I'm haunted by the Phantom of the VAT, who stopped me buying a chair which would have turned a tidy profit and got me in with a wealthy dealer.
Oh, and to top it all, you've given me coffee! Not tea! - Sorry.
- So what else can go wrong? Hm? WOMAN: Hello? Is anyone here? It's only me.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Certainly not, Mrs Taylor.
It's a pleasure to see you, isn't it, Lovejoy? Hello, Alice.
Beth's here somewhere.
She's, um in the doghouse.
Mum! What are you doing here? You left your lunch at home.
She's on a faddy diet.
Pineapple and avocado! Honestly! - I have come at a bad time.
- Yes.
TINK: Lovejoy's been robbed.
- Have you told the police? - They can't do a lot, Mum.
No leads.
And I only remember two of the licence numbers.
- No, wrong.
- Excuse me? Your conscious mind only remembers two numbers.
But if you saw that plate, all the numbers are there in your subconscious.
- Please, Mum - Lie back, Lovejoy, feet apart.
What? Don't, Mum.
She's been doing night school.
She's on a hypnotherapy course.
See? So I'm trained.
Trained?! You only did hypnosis because too many people were learning the tuba! Hypnosis? Alice, thank you.
Just a minute.
When I was in the Far East, a bunch of the blokes took me to meet a Holy Man who put me into a trance.
I came to three hours later with no sense of time passing and a small tattoo where no-one has ever seen, and, alas, no-one is ever likely to see.
I can make you remember that number, Lovejoy.
Why not, Alice? - What have I got to lose? - Good! Lay down, feet apart.
Look up to the ceiling.
You feel your eyelids getting heavy.
Close your eyes.
You're in a wonderful, warm place, with waves breaking against the shore.
Soothing relaxing Can you hear me? Mm.
Now What are you feeling? (SIGHS) I could murder a pint.
He's ready.
(TINKER SNORES) All right, Lovejoy.
Now, it's - This morning.
- Now it's this morning.
You're getting back to the shop.
What do you remember? Two men in a red van.
Remember that image.
The van.
And sleep.
Sleep When I snap my fingers, you'll be fully awake, relaxed and alert.
Your brain will process and deliver the numbers to your conscious mind when it's good and ready.
That'll be in about half an hour.
It says that in the book.
One two three.
So, start when you want.
It's not going to work.
(SHOUTING) A845 HNX! (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! (WHISPERING) A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
(LOUDLY) Ahem! (CLEARS THROAT) A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
- Lovejoy? - Yes, Charlotte? - I've got a favour to ask you.
- Yes? - I just had a phone call from Bicknell's.
- The big London auctioneers.
They're having a sale of Americana from the collection of J Diedrich Appleton.
- I knew Appleton in New York.
- Nice.
- Bicknell's needs me in London tomorrow.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! I'm not going to baby-sit for you while you go to London.
Sorry.
- How they getting on, Beth? - They're checking the computer.
CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy! - Are you insane? - Excuse me, Charlotte? I wouldn't trust you with a stuffed gerbil, let alone a baby.
Oh, that's nice.
No, I wondered if I could borrow Beth.
Only for three days.
- And I'll pay her.
- That'd be nice! Excuse me! I have been robbed! I need my staff here.
Right? Besides, why do you need anybody? You can cope.
It's all down to planning.
- Yes! They've got it! - Lovejoy here.
Yeah? You've found it? Anything in it? Empty.
Right.
So where did you find it? Westbourne Grove.
All right, Officer, I'll keep in touch.
Westbourne Grove? If you're going to that part of London anyway - West London.
- Mm.
That's my part of town.
You'll need a helping hand on the ground.
- Yeah, Duke Garvey! - Who? Duke Garvey.
He's a dealer, connoisseur, student of colonial history.
Great! No, Beth, you stay here and liaise with the police.
- Lovejoy! - Charlotte, please It's all right, Charlotte.
I need to learn to be responsible.
Thank you, Beth.
Fine! Fine.
I think we should all be responsible.
I shall go to London with Harry, on my own, and it will be fine.
I shall manage perfectly.
Of course you will.
You'll cope.
It's all down to planning, hm? Right, let's give this a whirl.
That goes there And No That's not right.
That goes like that Lovejoy, how long since you last saw Duke? Not since I was a baby.
Probably won't know who I am.
Lovejoy! Hey! (BOTH LAUGHING) Duke! Hey! Good to see you, old man! And you must be Tinker! Ohh! Come in! Come! - Thank God he didn't recognise you! - Hm! There's a good boy! Now, then You wait in the back here, just for a second, OK? While I get your seat sorted out.
There's a good boy.
Oh! You've got one of these? - We had.
- It was stolen.
No, that can't be right.
Harry, you must've been in one of these before.
Got any ideas? (HARRY SQUEALS) So what do you reckon? - Did you check the drawers? - Dovetail joints.
If it is a Davidson its historical value alone is immense.
I know of only two pairs in existence.
One's back in Kingston, in the Government Building.
And the other pair? Split up many years ago.
One of them is in the office of the Jamaican High Commission.
The other - Is ours! - Was.
We'll find it.
I'll reacquaint myself with some old friends.
See what I can find out.
Good idea.
I think I'll sniff out a few leads myself.
Lovejoy? Oh, no.
No, thanks, Tink.
I'm meeting Miss Cavendish at three for tea.
Tea?! I'm sure you were all very pleased to hear the result of the sale of Italian paintings - Miss Cavendish has arrived, sir.
- Ah.
Miss Cavendish.
Welcome to Bicknell's.
Good morning! Good morning.
Landlord! Large gin.
Gentlemen.
Your baby, Miss Cavendish.
Thank you for holding him, Sir Roger.
And, er sorry about the tie.
I'm sure whatever it is will come out in the dry cleaners.
There, there That's better, isn't it? All those horrible, horrible old men.
- How did it go? - Oh Fine.
Great.
Really well.
- Oh, Lovejoy, it was awful! - Hello, Harry.
I left him with the secretary while I came in here to make my recommendations.
Well, of course, he started playing up, didn't he? So she brought him in here, and I was stuck in here with all those awful, dried-up old prunes making disapproving faces! Well, honestly! I mean, babies cry, don't they? - Course they do.
- Well, what do they expect? - It's no big deal, is it? - Nope.
All he needed was a jolly good feed and then he perked up.
Do you think that'll work with you? - Afternoon tea, Lovejoy.
How lovely.
- Good afternoon, madam.
Sir.
We'd like a big pot of Assam, sandwiches, cakes, massive amounts of cholesterol, the full works.
- Hm? - Excuse me, sir.
(WHISPERING) Jacket.
Ah.
Charlotte, won't be a moment.
(HARRY GRIZZLES) So what do you think? Much better, eh? Thanks very much.
I beg your pardon.
Sorry.
Why shouldn't I be able to do my job and have a baby? No reason at all, Charlotte.
True, I don't want to be like Sarah.
I want my children to have a father.
- And, you, Lovejoy - More tea, Charlotte? - No, thank you.
You're the only person - Sandwich? - No, thank you.
You're the only - Cake? No.
You are the only person that I feel I can really talk to about this.
Talk to? Oh, you can talk to me about anything.
You know that.
Well, you've had children, Lovejoy.
You know what it feels like to hold a tiny human being in your arms and know that it's yours.
Well, I want that feeling too! There's nothing wrong that, is there? - Eh - Lovejoy! Excuse me.
Lovejoy, I'm onto something.
You must be Miss Cavendish.
Duke Garvey.
- How do you do? - Delighted.
I spoke to three of my best sources from the old days.
A consensus emerged.
If there is a stolen antique in this area, it seems it's nearly compulsory to offer it to Capricorn Collectables, and I've got their address.
Capricorn Collectables.
I think my father had a bad experience with them once.
- Shall we go? - I'll just settle up.
Lost your credit cards, Lovejoy? (DUKE CHUCKLES) Put it on my room.
Nice try, sir, but that's the key to the Gents.
Go on, Lovejoy.
Go and find your cabinet.
Come on, Duke.
Good afternoon, Charlotte.
How's the infant? - Actually, I think he's a bit wet.
- Oh.
Would you hold him for a minute? Would the Major like some warm milk? No, the Major would not like some warm milk.
The Major would like a large brandy.
(HARRY CRIES) Lovejoy was here just a minute ago.
Oh, fiddle.
I had a good contact for him.
A shop that's reputed to sell stolen antiques.
Capricorn Collectables.
Oh I don't know - Your brandy, Major.
- Thank you.
Empire Antiques.
Really? Duke was convinced it was Capricorn.
Damn! Damn! Thank you, Tinker.
Royal Lancaster Hotel, please.
- Let me know how you get on.
- Will do.
Bye! - Oh! - Oh! We must be near the Portobello Road.
Nearly there, madam.
Could you drop me at Empire Antiques? All right.
Just there.
Thank you.
You know, the older I get, the more irrelevant I feel.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother to get up in the morning.
And what am I going to do with all this? - Who'll look after it when I'm gone? - No kids? Me? No.
Could never settle for long enough.
I was always the white sheep of the family.
(DUKE LAUGHS) The buccaneer.
- You got kids, Lovejoy? - Yeah.
One.
Viki.
She's 24.
- Daddy! - Mmm.
Oh, for God's sake! I'm just loading! I'm afraid there was no sight of loading.
I've got a business to run here! Hello? Shop? Anybody in? Hello? Oh! Eugh! Thanks a bunch! All right, baby.
(SLAM!) Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? Can you hear me? Help! (HARRY CRIES) Shh! There, now There Miss Cavendish has not returned to the hotel yet? You are sure about that? Right.
Well, just leave a message, please, that Lovejoy called.
Yes.
Just Lovejoy.
Thank you.
I thought she was going straight back to the hotel.
She must have gone via Barbados! Beth? It's me.
I just came to see how you're coping.
I haven't given away anything priceless yet.
Don't feel so sorry for yourself, girl.
- I'm entitled, stuck here like this.
- This will cheer you up.
I brought you some dinner.
- No, Mum, I'm on a diet.
- You're wasting away! No wonder you're so miserable.
Here, I brought you some ackee and saltfish.
- Mum! - Some crab and callaloo soup.
Mum, I can't.
- Some jerk chicken - Mum, I! - Jerk chicken? - Cooked over wood.
Oh, well Oh, hell, I'm too depressed to diet! If you want to know how Lovejoy is getting on, why don't you ring him? He gave you the number.
He won't want to talk to me if the news was bad.
If it was good, he'd have called.
So that means it must be bad, and it's all my fault.
- I wish I could do something.
- Maybe you can.
You're the only one who saw the fellas with the cabinet.
I described them to the police.
Perhaps there's something else about them, something you saw, but don't consciously remember? - Mum! - You said you wanted to help! (SIGHS) All right, all right.
What's this? What's this? Yes.
Good boy.
Give me that.
All right.
Hang on a minute.
There we are.
(SIGHS) Keep counting backwards.
Cast your mind back to the time and the men with the cabinet.
Yes He's got on a tartan shirt.
Keep that image, Beth! Make a snapshot of them with your mind.
The shirt's unbuttoned at the front and underneath a white sweatshirt.
No.
T-shirt.
And there's writing on it.
- What does it say? - "Olly Gardener is Nigh.
" So she's still not back at the hotel? Thank you very much.
Any luck with Capricorn Collectables? No.
Soon to be a bodega/tapas bar.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? BETH: Hello? Lovejoy? Hm? Hello? Listen, Lovejoy.
My mum hypnotised me, right? I think I remember what was written on that guy's T-shirt when he came to get the cabinet! "Olly Gardener is Nigh"! "Olly Gardener is Nigh".
(WHISPERING) On the fella's T-shirt.
"Olly Gardener" - Yeah - What does it mean? I don't know, Beth.
- It could be his name.
- I don't think so.
The first thing they teach you at burglar school is not to print your own name on your T-shirt.
- But, Lovejoy, my mum thinks - Beth, talk to you later.
Say hello to Mum.
"Olly Gardener is Nigh"! So, any leads, Tink? Um Oh, yes.
Empire Antiques.
Westbourne Grove.
Right! Come on! Hush, little baby Don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird And if that mockingbird don't sing Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring - Lovejoy! - Yeah? I think I've just found Olly Gardener.
- Hm? - Jolly Gardeners! What was that Beth said? "Olly Gardener is Nigh".
- Jolly Gardeners' Quiz Night.
Hm? - What? - Jolly Gardeners' Quiz Night.
- Hm.
Hey, hey, hey! Straighten up! Empire Antiques.
Just down here.
- Lovejoy! - Hm? Look at the T-shirt.
- You got the weight there? - Yeah.
- You've got the weight.
- I got it.
Diversion.
Excuse me, are you anything to do with Empire Antiques in Wolverhampton? - Nah.
- I was sure you were.
The vans are very similar.
Isn't that van similar? DUKE: Very! Do you think there might be another branch at Wolverhampton? MAN: Look, he's told you! You're wrong.
I'm very sorry.
- My name is Jeffries, all right? - Oh, Jeffries! Excuse me! Thank you very much.
Now, I'm really busy.
- Right.
What are we going to do now? - Well Who said detective work was boring? (HARRY CRIES) There, now Come on.
Shh.
(HARRY WHINES) What are we going to do, eh? Shhh! (WHISTLES) Let's have a look (MUTTERS) (FAINT CRYING) Shh! Shh! Madame de Salle, Paris Broadfoot Antiques Fogerty Restorers.
One Regency mahogany side cabinet, lion's paw feet, carved acanthus leaves.
Thank you very much! (HARRY CRIES) (DOOR RATTLES) Charlotte? Lovejoy! - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (SOBS) Aw! Oh, Charlotte! There, there! (CRYING) But Mr Jeffries was supposed to be taking it back on Monday.
You know what Oliver's like.
Wants everything yesterday.
Like a kid with a new toy, isn't he? You have done a beautiful job.
- You really have done a beautiful job.
- It's as if the wood were breathing.
It's a fine piece, gentlemen.
A Davidson.
This cabinet straddles the history of two great nations.
And you have done that history proud.
Yes, you can tell by the patina, this is no ordinary job of restoration.
I use all traditional methods, you know.
No chemicals.
- Open the door, would you, Bill? - Certainly, Justin.
And if you'd just like to sign here, Mr Fogerty, to make it official.
Right.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Polished up really lovely, didn't it, Tink? It certainly did.
So Am I off the hook, then? Oh, you're more than off the hook, Beth.
I owe you an apology.
- Why? - You were absolutely right.
- "Obadiah Fogerty"? - Would you sign here, please? - There's a smiley face in the O.
- Mm.
It could happen to anyone.
(BOTH LAUGH) Sarah will be back tomorrow.
- Back to real life, eh? - It's just as well, really.
Well, after London, I don't trust myself with him.
Don't be silly, Charlotte.
You just found out that being a single parent isn't that easy.
(HARRY CRIES) Ah.
I think he's wet.
I'd better get him back and change him.
You don't need to take him back to change him, Charlotte.
I think he is wet.
Will you give me a spare nappy? Hm? Come on, Harry.
Soon have this out of you.
You'll feel much better.
Lovejoy, I'm impressed.
Don't sound so surprised, Charlotte.
I do know how to change a nappy.
The thing was that in my day it was plastic pants, safety pins and real towels.
So by the time the baby was potty-trained, you had a nice set of dusters.
- Hm? - How practical.
Isn't that right, Harry? (GURGLING) I shall miss him, Lovejoy.
But Harry's taught me one thing.
I don't want to be a single parent.
That's very sensible.
Oh, no, Charlotte.
No, no, no.
I do not want to be the only parent on school sports day doing the three-legged race tied to a zimmer frame.
- I'm trying to talk seriously, Lovejoy.
- Hm.
Lovejoy? Oliver Jeffries.
I'd like my cabinet back.
Your cabinet? You conned it off my client, Darren Chambers.
That was a fair and legal transaction.
If Darren has anything to say, - tell him I shall see him in court.
- Court? I try to avoid courts whenever I can, Lovejoy.
Drags on for months.
Lawyers eat into your profits.
Neither of us needs that.
- So, why don't we work something out.
- Such as? I'll give you a good price for it.
I've got a buyer.
- So have I.
- Who? Come off it, Lovejoy! You haven't got a buyer.
But I have.
Ah! Private collector, prepared to offer 40 grand.
Here, would you hold him a minute while I get his bottle? It's a very good price.
You're a family man, I can see that.
Here you are, down the middle.
Your twenty grand.
Cash.
No questions.
How much was that? £20,000? What a remarkable coincidence, Lovejoy.
That's almost, to the pound, what you owe to Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.
(CRIES LOUDLY) I know exactly how you feel, kid.
So, start when you want.
It's not going to work.
She went for lunch with her best friend.
Lunch? It's 3pm! It's a weekday.
This is no way to run a business! You never say that when she has lunch with you.
- That's different.
- Ah? She's a career woman.
Single-minded.
Hard-nosed.
Hi, Lovejoy.
Charlotte! You are an example to your breed.
(BABY CRIES) Am I getting older or are your clients getting younger? Meet Harry.
- He belongs to my friend Sarah.
- Hello, Harry! - Can't Sarah afford a nanny? - The nanny's fallen through.
And Sarah's mother's ill and Sarah's off to Belize for a few days.
Belize, eh? Modelling job.
And I'm the godmother.
It's no trouble.
I can see that, Charlotte.
Well, why shouldn't I have a baby? I mean, look after one, I mean.
And run a business.
It's just a question of planning, that's all.
Did you want to see me about something? At the auction tomorrow.
Lot 18.
The chair.
The chair? Hmm.
Well, the owner wants £2,000.
- I think I can get closer to three.
- I've got a buyer.
- Do you want it? - It would make me very happy.
- Lovejoy, was that it? Are you coming in? - Another appointment! - Norman? - Lovejoy! - What brings you here? - House clearance, of course.
I don't think so.
I'm here for a house clearance.
Norman! Norman! - Tinker! - Excuse me, Norman.
That's no good! I'm already 20 bars over my limit! Of course they don't know! I hid my ticket in the drawer.
Yes, but I'm bucking the trend! I'm gearing up.
Spend another ten! Yes, you can! Hide it in someone else's books! Because I'm telling you to.
Don't argue, Rodney! Just ship 'em in! Lovejoy, this is Mr Darren Chambers.
- Mr Chambers, sorry about your loss.
- Loss? What have you heard? Oh.
Aunt Edith.
No great loss.
I hardly knew her.
Now, then Excuse me, Mr Chambers.
Norman Ebersley.
I'm the one you called.
We spoke on the phone, if you don't mind.
- A double-booking here, Darren? - Why not? I want two of you here.
You don't object to a bit of free-market competition.
What, Norman? I'm sorry, I don't think this is a proper way to treat - What's the sp.
On this place? - The kitchen.
Forget the rest.
Can we get on, please? - I've got more important things to do.
- So have I, Mr Chambers.
I'll give you £700 for the contents of this room.
You've only been here five minutes! - That's all it takes.
- I'll give you £750.
- You're not well, Norman.
- It's not an auction, Norman.
£775 cash! Too rich for my blood, Mr Chambers.
Done! Tell me I'm right.
You're right.
- Nothing much in here, Tink, is there? - Rubbish.
Come on, Lovejoy! There must be something you want! There probably is.
- I just haven't seen anything yet - (PHONE RINGS) that makes the old Hang Seng rise, you know? - That mirror's nice.
- Nice chair.
- Chandelier's OK.
- Well, get in there! If I can get hold of another 12½ bars, the price only has to rise by half a point and I'll be covered.
I said 12½.
I'll give you £65 for that dresser full of stuff.
Done.
65.
No! I was talking to someone else! Come on, Tink, let's look at that mirror.
My information is it will! I can't afford to stop! I'm in over my head as it is! £65? You paid £65 for that lump of grease?! Including contents! - Why, Lovejoy? - A hunch.
A gamble.
A flutter.
- Hidden potential! - Like you, Norman.
Oh, yeah, it's the real thing, Tink.
The Helen of Troy of furniture.
A masterpiece in mahogany.
A perfect Regency side cabinet.
Whatever it is, it's murder to clean.
Look at these carved acanthus leaves here.
Must be worth at least 15 grand.
Could be more than that.
Might have a very interesting provenance.
You know what I'm thinking.
It could be a Davidson.
- A what? - William Davidson.
Early 19th-century cabinet-maker.
- Why haven't I heard of him? - Probably because his career was - Ceegh! - Exactly.
Cut short.
The half-caste son of Jamaica's Attorney General and a black woman.
Hanged in 1820 for conspiracy against the British Government.
- Oh.
The Cato Street conspiracy.
- Yeah! - I did do history, Lovejoy.
- I'm glad to hear it, Beth.
- Part of England's bloody past.
- Language! Could be right in front of us.
Keep cleaning, Beth.
Oh, come on, Lovejoy! My arm's going to fall off! Well, you've got another one.
It was a filthy old kitchen cabinet! - Leo should have told me.
- Never mind about that.
Who bought it? - Some local antiques dealer.
- Who? I've got his business card.
Here.
Lovejoy Antiques.
Right.
Andrea, the cabinet's been sold.
We can't get it back.
Oh, no? Watch me.
Lovejoy Antiques.
No, you've just missed him.
I understand he's acquired a rather fine 18th-century cabinet.
I'm interested in buying it.
Can I come round and see it? I don't see why not.
When shall I tell him to expect you? Difficult to say.
I'll be in touch.
- Can I take a? - (DIAL TONE BEEPS) - Oh! - Hello, Norman! NORMAN: All right, where is it? - I've got to see it.
- See what? The cabinet! The stuff from the living room was junk! Better luck next time, old son.
Just show me the cabinet, Tinker.
Oh, no No! How much? - You don't want to know.
- Why torment yourself? I've got to know! How much? - 10,000? 15?! - It could fetch more at auction.
We've already had enquiries.
If only I'd been five minutes earlier.
If only the moon were made of green cheese, then rockets would be shaped like fondue forks.
- No hard feelings? - No, Tinker, I know the score.
Some you win and some you lose.
- Nothing personal.
- That's the spirit.
(SHOUTING) That bastard! I think he took that rather well! You couldn't have made my name a touch smaller, could you?! (PHONE RINGS) Brian Newton.
Who? Oh Ebersley.
Yes.
Yeah, put him through.
Hello? Norman.
What can I do for you? It's more a question of what I can do for you.
You can pay up on time, for a start, or we'll have to fine you again.
I explained.
It's Doreen, my fiancee.
She's pregnant.
And she can't work in her condition because she's a fanda A cabaret artiste.
And she's already got two kids.
- Norman, do you have a point? - Yes, I have.
It's just that you're always going after people like me - small fry - when there are other people about who are much worse! For instance, there's this bloke called Lovejoy Hang on, Norman.
Lovejoy Go on, Norman.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Cheers.
Right.
Got it, Tim? - Yep.
- Okey-dokey - Bye! - See you later.
- How was the dinner? - Oh, it was fine.
- Who was that? - The restorers.
- Restorers? - The furniture restorers.
- Furniture restorers? - They came for the cabinet.
Shit! Get out of the bloody way! Not trying to avoid our appointment, are you, Lovejoy? What appointment? Lovejoy! This must be Mr Newton.
He phoned last night.
I'm sorry, I forgot to say.
And forgot to tell me my cabinet was stolen? - I signed a chit! - Signed a chit? - It could happen to anyone! - It could happen to anyone! Since when does my signature have a smiley face inside the O? Would you shift your car, please? - A stolen cabinet? - Who wants to know? Brian Newton, Customs and Excise.
The VAT man.
So just how valuable was this cabinet? Well, that's hard to say, Mr Newton.
You know the vagaries of the market.
Supply and demand Sentimental value.
Still, it's gone now, isn't it? Not my day.
I'll see if that coffee's ready.
- So, can they arrest you on the spot? - They can call in the troops! - You take these in.
- He's only upset.
- He hates me! - He doesn't! Tinker, how did you get on with the police? They need the licence number.
- I gave you a 4 and an X.
- They said that's not a lot of help.
NEWTON: Lovejoy! Whenever you're ready Can you find some biscuits? Make yourself useful.
I've seen it all before, Lovejoy.
I know what you're up to.
It's not just your stock.
It's your multiple personalities.
During your fleeting periods of VAT registration, Lovejoy Acquisitions frequently sells things to Lovejoy Retailing after a short but expensive intervention by Lovejoy Valuations! Cash flow.
I don't have any, so I have to offer myself very preferential terms.
And reclaim another 17.
5% every time.
Is that illegal? Yes, Sarah, it's great! No, really, no problem at all! I'm rather enjoying it! How's Belize? I'll pick you up at the airport.
What? The shoot's been extended? Till when? Lovejoy, you're playing the entire Value Added system like a Violin? A fiddle! But eventually, you will come unstuck.
And when you do, including the fine, give or take the odd candelabra, you will owe me about £15,000.
What time is it, Mr Newton? - It's two o'clock.
- Got an auction to go to.
OK Bye.
Charlotte, can you just sign? Not now, Kate.
I'm far too busy.
Here, take him for a minute, will you? Good boy.
- Charlotte! - Mm? - You've got the dummy on! - Oh, my God! Catch.
Am I selling, then, at £3,000? Any more at £3,000? Are we all done at £3,000? Going once, going twice for £3,000 Sold! For £3,000.
Lot number 18.
The mahogany open-arm elbow chair.
Who'll start the bidding at £1,500? £1,500.
Thank you, madam.
£1,600? £1,700.
£1,800? £1,800.
£1,900 £2,000? £2,000 anywhere? £2,000.
Thank you.
£2,100? £2,200? £2,200? Going for the first time for the second time I'm selling to you, madam, for £2,700.
(BANGS GAVEL) (HAMMERING) Oh, yes.
It's been a marvellous day, Tink.
My prize piece was half-inched by Laurel and Hardy, and I'm haunted by the Phantom of the VAT, who stopped me buying a chair which would have turned a tidy profit and got me in with a wealthy dealer.
Oh, and to top it all, you've given me coffee! Not tea! - Sorry.
- So what else can go wrong? Hm? WOMAN: Hello? Is anyone here? It's only me.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Certainly not, Mrs Taylor.
It's a pleasure to see you, isn't it, Lovejoy? Hello, Alice.
Beth's here somewhere.
She's, um in the doghouse.
Mum! What are you doing here? You left your lunch at home.
She's on a faddy diet.
Pineapple and avocado! Honestly! - I have come at a bad time.
- Yes.
TINK: Lovejoy's been robbed.
- Have you told the police? - They can't do a lot, Mum.
No leads.
And I only remember two of the licence numbers.
- No, wrong.
- Excuse me? Your conscious mind only remembers two numbers.
But if you saw that plate, all the numbers are there in your subconscious.
- Please, Mum - Lie back, Lovejoy, feet apart.
What? Don't, Mum.
She's been doing night school.
She's on a hypnotherapy course.
See? So I'm trained.
Trained?! You only did hypnosis because too many people were learning the tuba! Hypnosis? Alice, thank you.
Just a minute.
When I was in the Far East, a bunch of the blokes took me to meet a Holy Man who put me into a trance.
I came to three hours later with no sense of time passing and a small tattoo where no-one has ever seen, and, alas, no-one is ever likely to see.
I can make you remember that number, Lovejoy.
Why not, Alice? - What have I got to lose? - Good! Lay down, feet apart.
Look up to the ceiling.
You feel your eyelids getting heavy.
Close your eyes.
You're in a wonderful, warm place, with waves breaking against the shore.
Soothing relaxing Can you hear me? Mm.
Now What are you feeling? (SIGHS) I could murder a pint.
He's ready.
(TINKER SNORES) All right, Lovejoy.
Now, it's - This morning.
- Now it's this morning.
You're getting back to the shop.
What do you remember? Two men in a red van.
Remember that image.
The van.
And sleep.
Sleep When I snap my fingers, you'll be fully awake, relaxed and alert.
Your brain will process and deliver the numbers to your conscious mind when it's good and ready.
That'll be in about half an hour.
It says that in the book.
One two three.
So, start when you want.
It's not going to work.
(SHOUTING) A845 HNX! (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! (WHISPERING) A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
(LOUDLY) Ahem! (CLEARS THROAT) A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
A845 HNX.
- Lovejoy? - Yes, Charlotte? - I've got a favour to ask you.
- Yes? - I just had a phone call from Bicknell's.
- The big London auctioneers.
They're having a sale of Americana from the collection of J Diedrich Appleton.
- I knew Appleton in New York.
- Nice.
- Bicknell's needs me in London tomorrow.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! I'm not going to baby-sit for you while you go to London.
Sorry.
- How they getting on, Beth? - They're checking the computer.
CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy! - Are you insane? - Excuse me, Charlotte? I wouldn't trust you with a stuffed gerbil, let alone a baby.
Oh, that's nice.
No, I wondered if I could borrow Beth.
Only for three days.
- And I'll pay her.
- That'd be nice! Excuse me! I have been robbed! I need my staff here.
Right? Besides, why do you need anybody? You can cope.
It's all down to planning.
- Yes! They've got it! - Lovejoy here.
Yeah? You've found it? Anything in it? Empty.
Right.
So where did you find it? Westbourne Grove.
All right, Officer, I'll keep in touch.
Westbourne Grove? If you're going to that part of London anyway - West London.
- Mm.
That's my part of town.
You'll need a helping hand on the ground.
- Yeah, Duke Garvey! - Who? Duke Garvey.
He's a dealer, connoisseur, student of colonial history.
Great! No, Beth, you stay here and liaise with the police.
- Lovejoy! - Charlotte, please It's all right, Charlotte.
I need to learn to be responsible.
Thank you, Beth.
Fine! Fine.
I think we should all be responsible.
I shall go to London with Harry, on my own, and it will be fine.
I shall manage perfectly.
Of course you will.
You'll cope.
It's all down to planning, hm? Right, let's give this a whirl.
That goes there And No That's not right.
That goes like that Lovejoy, how long since you last saw Duke? Not since I was a baby.
Probably won't know who I am.
Lovejoy! Hey! (BOTH LAUGHING) Duke! Hey! Good to see you, old man! And you must be Tinker! Ohh! Come in! Come! - Thank God he didn't recognise you! - Hm! There's a good boy! Now, then You wait in the back here, just for a second, OK? While I get your seat sorted out.
There's a good boy.
Oh! You've got one of these? - We had.
- It was stolen.
No, that can't be right.
Harry, you must've been in one of these before.
Got any ideas? (HARRY SQUEALS) So what do you reckon? - Did you check the drawers? - Dovetail joints.
If it is a Davidson its historical value alone is immense.
I know of only two pairs in existence.
One's back in Kingston, in the Government Building.
And the other pair? Split up many years ago.
One of them is in the office of the Jamaican High Commission.
The other - Is ours! - Was.
We'll find it.
I'll reacquaint myself with some old friends.
See what I can find out.
Good idea.
I think I'll sniff out a few leads myself.
Lovejoy? Oh, no.
No, thanks, Tink.
I'm meeting Miss Cavendish at three for tea.
Tea?! I'm sure you were all very pleased to hear the result of the sale of Italian paintings - Miss Cavendish has arrived, sir.
- Ah.
Miss Cavendish.
Welcome to Bicknell's.
Good morning! Good morning.
Landlord! Large gin.
Gentlemen.
Your baby, Miss Cavendish.
Thank you for holding him, Sir Roger.
And, er sorry about the tie.
I'm sure whatever it is will come out in the dry cleaners.
There, there That's better, isn't it? All those horrible, horrible old men.
- How did it go? - Oh Fine.
Great.
Really well.
- Oh, Lovejoy, it was awful! - Hello, Harry.
I left him with the secretary while I came in here to make my recommendations.
Well, of course, he started playing up, didn't he? So she brought him in here, and I was stuck in here with all those awful, dried-up old prunes making disapproving faces! Well, honestly! I mean, babies cry, don't they? - Course they do.
- Well, what do they expect? - It's no big deal, is it? - Nope.
All he needed was a jolly good feed and then he perked up.
Do you think that'll work with you? - Afternoon tea, Lovejoy.
How lovely.
- Good afternoon, madam.
Sir.
We'd like a big pot of Assam, sandwiches, cakes, massive amounts of cholesterol, the full works.
- Hm? - Excuse me, sir.
(WHISPERING) Jacket.
Ah.
Charlotte, won't be a moment.
(HARRY GRIZZLES) So what do you think? Much better, eh? Thanks very much.
I beg your pardon.
Sorry.
Why shouldn't I be able to do my job and have a baby? No reason at all, Charlotte.
True, I don't want to be like Sarah.
I want my children to have a father.
- And, you, Lovejoy - More tea, Charlotte? - No, thank you.
You're the only person - Sandwich? - No, thank you.
You're the only - Cake? No.
You are the only person that I feel I can really talk to about this.
Talk to? Oh, you can talk to me about anything.
You know that.
Well, you've had children, Lovejoy.
You know what it feels like to hold a tiny human being in your arms and know that it's yours.
Well, I want that feeling too! There's nothing wrong that, is there? - Eh - Lovejoy! Excuse me.
Lovejoy, I'm onto something.
You must be Miss Cavendish.
Duke Garvey.
- How do you do? - Delighted.
I spoke to three of my best sources from the old days.
A consensus emerged.
If there is a stolen antique in this area, it seems it's nearly compulsory to offer it to Capricorn Collectables, and I've got their address.
Capricorn Collectables.
I think my father had a bad experience with them once.
- Shall we go? - I'll just settle up.
Lost your credit cards, Lovejoy? (DUKE CHUCKLES) Put it on my room.
Nice try, sir, but that's the key to the Gents.
Go on, Lovejoy.
Go and find your cabinet.
Come on, Duke.
Good afternoon, Charlotte.
How's the infant? - Actually, I think he's a bit wet.
- Oh.
Would you hold him for a minute? Would the Major like some warm milk? No, the Major would not like some warm milk.
The Major would like a large brandy.
(HARRY CRIES) Lovejoy was here just a minute ago.
Oh, fiddle.
I had a good contact for him.
A shop that's reputed to sell stolen antiques.
Capricorn Collectables.
Oh I don't know - Your brandy, Major.
- Thank you.
Empire Antiques.
Really? Duke was convinced it was Capricorn.
Damn! Damn! Thank you, Tinker.
Royal Lancaster Hotel, please.
- Let me know how you get on.
- Will do.
Bye! - Oh! - Oh! We must be near the Portobello Road.
Nearly there, madam.
Could you drop me at Empire Antiques? All right.
Just there.
Thank you.
You know, the older I get, the more irrelevant I feel.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother to get up in the morning.
And what am I going to do with all this? - Who'll look after it when I'm gone? - No kids? Me? No.
Could never settle for long enough.
I was always the white sheep of the family.
(DUKE LAUGHS) The buccaneer.
- You got kids, Lovejoy? - Yeah.
One.
Viki.
She's 24.
- Daddy! - Mmm.
Oh, for God's sake! I'm just loading! I'm afraid there was no sight of loading.
I've got a business to run here! Hello? Shop? Anybody in? Hello? Oh! Eugh! Thanks a bunch! All right, baby.
(SLAM!) Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? Can you hear me? Help! (HARRY CRIES) Shh! There, now There Miss Cavendish has not returned to the hotel yet? You are sure about that? Right.
Well, just leave a message, please, that Lovejoy called.
Yes.
Just Lovejoy.
Thank you.
I thought she was going straight back to the hotel.
She must have gone via Barbados! Beth? It's me.
I just came to see how you're coping.
I haven't given away anything priceless yet.
Don't feel so sorry for yourself, girl.
- I'm entitled, stuck here like this.
- This will cheer you up.
I brought you some dinner.
- No, Mum, I'm on a diet.
- You're wasting away! No wonder you're so miserable.
Here, I brought you some ackee and saltfish.
- Mum! - Some crab and callaloo soup.
Mum, I can't.
- Some jerk chicken - Mum, I! - Jerk chicken? - Cooked over wood.
Oh, well Oh, hell, I'm too depressed to diet! If you want to know how Lovejoy is getting on, why don't you ring him? He gave you the number.
He won't want to talk to me if the news was bad.
If it was good, he'd have called.
So that means it must be bad, and it's all my fault.
- I wish I could do something.
- Maybe you can.
You're the only one who saw the fellas with the cabinet.
I described them to the police.
Perhaps there's something else about them, something you saw, but don't consciously remember? - Mum! - You said you wanted to help! (SIGHS) All right, all right.
What's this? What's this? Yes.
Good boy.
Give me that.
All right.
Hang on a minute.
There we are.
(SIGHS) Keep counting backwards.
Cast your mind back to the time and the men with the cabinet.
Yes He's got on a tartan shirt.
Keep that image, Beth! Make a snapshot of them with your mind.
The shirt's unbuttoned at the front and underneath a white sweatshirt.
No.
T-shirt.
And there's writing on it.
- What does it say? - "Olly Gardener is Nigh.
" So she's still not back at the hotel? Thank you very much.
Any luck with Capricorn Collectables? No.
Soon to be a bodega/tapas bar.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? BETH: Hello? Lovejoy? Hm? Hello? Listen, Lovejoy.
My mum hypnotised me, right? I think I remember what was written on that guy's T-shirt when he came to get the cabinet! "Olly Gardener is Nigh"! "Olly Gardener is Nigh".
(WHISPERING) On the fella's T-shirt.
"Olly Gardener" - Yeah - What does it mean? I don't know, Beth.
- It could be his name.
- I don't think so.
The first thing they teach you at burglar school is not to print your own name on your T-shirt.
- But, Lovejoy, my mum thinks - Beth, talk to you later.
Say hello to Mum.
"Olly Gardener is Nigh"! So, any leads, Tink? Um Oh, yes.
Empire Antiques.
Westbourne Grove.
Right! Come on! Hush, little baby Don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird And if that mockingbird don't sing Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring - Lovejoy! - Yeah? I think I've just found Olly Gardener.
- Hm? - Jolly Gardeners! What was that Beth said? "Olly Gardener is Nigh".
- Jolly Gardeners' Quiz Night.
Hm? - What? - Jolly Gardeners' Quiz Night.
- Hm.
Hey, hey, hey! Straighten up! Empire Antiques.
Just down here.
- Lovejoy! - Hm? Look at the T-shirt.
- You got the weight there? - Yeah.
- You've got the weight.
- I got it.
Diversion.
Excuse me, are you anything to do with Empire Antiques in Wolverhampton? - Nah.
- I was sure you were.
The vans are very similar.
Isn't that van similar? DUKE: Very! Do you think there might be another branch at Wolverhampton? MAN: Look, he's told you! You're wrong.
I'm very sorry.
- My name is Jeffries, all right? - Oh, Jeffries! Excuse me! Thank you very much.
Now, I'm really busy.
- Right.
What are we going to do now? - Well Who said detective work was boring? (HARRY CRIES) There, now Come on.
Shh.
(HARRY WHINES) What are we going to do, eh? Shhh! (WHISTLES) Let's have a look (MUTTERS) (FAINT CRYING) Shh! Shh! Madame de Salle, Paris Broadfoot Antiques Fogerty Restorers.
One Regency mahogany side cabinet, lion's paw feet, carved acanthus leaves.
Thank you very much! (HARRY CRIES) (DOOR RATTLES) Charlotte? Lovejoy! - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (SOBS) Aw! Oh, Charlotte! There, there! (CRYING) But Mr Jeffries was supposed to be taking it back on Monday.
You know what Oliver's like.
Wants everything yesterday.
Like a kid with a new toy, isn't he? You have done a beautiful job.
- You really have done a beautiful job.
- It's as if the wood were breathing.
It's a fine piece, gentlemen.
A Davidson.
This cabinet straddles the history of two great nations.
And you have done that history proud.
Yes, you can tell by the patina, this is no ordinary job of restoration.
I use all traditional methods, you know.
No chemicals.
- Open the door, would you, Bill? - Certainly, Justin.
And if you'd just like to sign here, Mr Fogerty, to make it official.
Right.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Polished up really lovely, didn't it, Tink? It certainly did.
So Am I off the hook, then? Oh, you're more than off the hook, Beth.
I owe you an apology.
- Why? - You were absolutely right.
- "Obadiah Fogerty"? - Would you sign here, please? - There's a smiley face in the O.
- Mm.
It could happen to anyone.
(BOTH LAUGH) Sarah will be back tomorrow.
- Back to real life, eh? - It's just as well, really.
Well, after London, I don't trust myself with him.
Don't be silly, Charlotte.
You just found out that being a single parent isn't that easy.
(HARRY CRIES) Ah.
I think he's wet.
I'd better get him back and change him.
You don't need to take him back to change him, Charlotte.
I think he is wet.
Will you give me a spare nappy? Hm? Come on, Harry.
Soon have this out of you.
You'll feel much better.
Lovejoy, I'm impressed.
Don't sound so surprised, Charlotte.
I do know how to change a nappy.
The thing was that in my day it was plastic pants, safety pins and real towels.
So by the time the baby was potty-trained, you had a nice set of dusters.
- Hm? - How practical.
Isn't that right, Harry? (GURGLING) I shall miss him, Lovejoy.
But Harry's taught me one thing.
I don't want to be a single parent.
That's very sensible.
Oh, no, Charlotte.
No, no, no.
I do not want to be the only parent on school sports day doing the three-legged race tied to a zimmer frame.
- I'm trying to talk seriously, Lovejoy.
- Hm.
Lovejoy? Oliver Jeffries.
I'd like my cabinet back.
Your cabinet? You conned it off my client, Darren Chambers.
That was a fair and legal transaction.
If Darren has anything to say, - tell him I shall see him in court.
- Court? I try to avoid courts whenever I can, Lovejoy.
Drags on for months.
Lawyers eat into your profits.
Neither of us needs that.
- So, why don't we work something out.
- Such as? I'll give you a good price for it.
I've got a buyer.
- So have I.
- Who? Come off it, Lovejoy! You haven't got a buyer.
But I have.
Ah! Private collector, prepared to offer 40 grand.
Here, would you hold him a minute while I get his bottle? It's a very good price.
You're a family man, I can see that.
Here you are, down the middle.
Your twenty grand.
Cash.
No questions.
How much was that? £20,000? What a remarkable coincidence, Lovejoy.
That's almost, to the pound, what you owe to Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.
(CRIES LOUDLY) I know exactly how you feel, kid.
So, start when you want.
It's not going to work.