M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e09 Episode Script

- [Hawkeye.]
Look at this guy.
He's covered with tattoos.
- [Mulcahy.]
Oh! My, yes.
He has them practically everywhere.
He has them everywhere.
- Cast of thousands.
- [B.
J.
.]
Any big stars? [Klinger.]
Wow! Eagles, anchors, women, ships, women Look at Louise.
- Quelle robust! - Klinger, please.
Father Mulcahy is a full-time priest.
Sorry, Father.
You think the real Louise is built like that? - If she is, I'm in love.
- # Lydia, oh, Lydia Have you met Lydia # - # Lydia the tattooed lady ## - [Potter.]
Beats me why anybody would want to turn himself into a walking peep show.
- [Charles.]
Status, Colonel.
- What do you mean, "status"? A striving for distinction from without where birth has failed to supply it from within.
Now, Charles, here, was born with all the distinction he's ever gonna get.
You actually question that natural superiority of the highborn? Of course not, I was born on top of the refrigerator.
Delivered by the iceman, no doubt.
All you inherited, Charles, were blue eyes and a blue-chip portfolio.
- Ah, money, money, money.
- Quiet, he's praying.
Only the common people truly believe that the world turns on a dime.
Ah! Ah! I think we're gonna get another Winchester epigram here.
Some people are born with a taste for money and the rest are born with a craving.
All this talk about money.
I've spent my entire medical career in the army.
Thirty years a doctor, never sent out a bill.
[Chuckles.]
My, my, you have missed all the fun, haven't you? - Damn it.
Sponge.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's the matter? He's hemorrhaging.
Clamp.
What a mess.
Clamp, Cooper.
I think I'd better Excuse me.
[Margaret.]
Cooper! Come back here! Margaret, I need some hands.
Gimme some sponges.
And a clamp.
Thank you.
Some suction in here.
Okay.
What's with her? She isn't working out.
People who don't have a stomach for this don't belong here.
You're right.
Let's all go home.
Cooper! That was inexcusable.
I know.
It's just that sometimes it's so pitiful.
That soldier, he couldn't have been more than 18, just like my kid brother.
Suppose he were your kid brother! Would you want his nurse going to pieces? - I'm sorry! - What good is sorry? This isn't a class in etiquette.
It's a MASH unit.
We save lives 98% of the time.
I know, Major.
That's why I asked to come here.
I'm a good nurse.
A good nurse doesn't fall apart like a teary-eyed schoolgirl.
- That's not fair.
- What do you think that does to morale? Major, don't you feel anything? What I feel, I control.
That's a part of my job.
- You just do your job while you still have one.
- What's that supposed to mean? That means, Cooper, fall apart one more time and you'll be out of here before you can say "Florence Nightingale.
" Understood? Not so fast, boy.
Chew each bite 40 times.
- Who's mutt? - Nobody's.
He's just been hanging around.
Yeah? Don't let him hang around too long.
Keeping an animal is against regulations.
Who am I to break regulations? Get him cleaned up and make sure he only eats scraps because if he doesn't, you will.
- Yes, ma'am.
- [Whimpers.]
- You're cute.
- Thank you, Major.
- Him.
- Oh.
This is the last darn sock I darn till the war is over.
- What if it's another Hundred Years' War? - I'll get another sock.
- What was that war about? - About a hundred years.
How'd you like to have been in that one for the duration? At least you wouldn't have to tell your grandchildren about it.
They'd be in it.
- Aah-aah! - [Knocking.]
- Yeah? - Are you decent in there? - No, but give us a minute.
We'll take off our clothes.
- Oh, well.
- What an unexpected pleasure.
- Oh, you know how this ends? - Can we talk to you for a minute? - It's about Major Houlihan.
- She's leaning on Cooper something awful.
- Yeah, so I notice.
- You better tell Cooper not to lean back.
Do you think you could talk to Hot Lips? I don't know how much more Cooper can take.
She's havin' a rough time.
So are the surgeons she's walking out on.
Maybe she shouldn't be here.
- No.
She's a good nurse.
She's just young and inexperienced.
- Like our patients.
This place takes getting used to.
Took me a while, and I used to work emergency in Chicago - Accidents, suicide, homicide.
- Ah, the good old days.
Why boot her out just because her emotions aren't packed on ice yet? Do you think you could buy her a little time? - Sure, we can buy her a little time.
- And a little drink.
- Little dinner.
- Little breakfast.
- Good night, Doctors.
- Good night.
In the mood for some company, Major? - Oh, very well.
- Good.
- Food like this demands some good conversation.
- Oh? A little discourse to take your mind off the main course.
[Laughs.]
And how's your Colonel Penobscott, Major? Top military form.
This war's the best thing that ever happened to him.
Outside of you, to be sure.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
- Is there anything wrong? - Maybe we should join the others.
- What? - Join the others.
We're alone.
- So? - You know how these people talk.
- Yes, I do.
They talk very poorly.
- They thrive on gossip.
Why should two people eating together be the subject of gossip? - Major will you please stop whispering? - Why? Because I want them to hear that we aren't saying anything.
- We aren't saying anything.
- That's what I want them to hear.
- Perhaps, I just I better leave.
- No, no! That's worse.
They'll think we had a fight.
Father! Please join us.
Well, I was going to, but you looked like you wanted to be alone.
- I told you there was something cooking between these two.
- Mm-hmm.
- See? - I wonder what this is? - Brochette de combat boot.
- I'm glad they left the laces in.
- They're disgusting.
- They're children.
This is disgusting.
They don't even chill the salad forks.
- He's a fun date, isn't he? - You have single-handedly taken all the whimsy out of this war.
And speaking of the war, Margaret, how about pulling back to the 38th parallel? - Come again? - Nurse Cooper.
- The kid could use a break.
- I've given her several.
- Heartbreaks don't count.
- She's supposed to be here to help patients, not be one.
- She's trying, Margaret.
- And she's failing.
You've spent plenty of time in the O.
R.
You know some people take longer to anesthetize.
- She may work out just fine.
- Maybe, maybe not.
We can't take the chance.
At any rate, she's my responsibility and it's a responsibility I do not take lightly.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
- Rather spirited woman.
- What seems to be the trouble here? Oh, these warm salad forks are beginning to get to her.
- Hi.
My name is Corporal O'Reilly.
- Corporal Hendrix.
- How you feelin'? Okay? - Pretty good.
I saw your tattoos when they operated.
Oh, yeah? Which one did they get? - Hmm? - Well, which tattoo got clobbered? Oh, uh, Louise.
Oh, not Louise.
How bad is she? Well, her face is still pretty, and her legs are the greatest.
- What about the rest of her? - There isn't any.
[Groans.]
Why couldn't it have been Betty? Louise was fantastic.
Whenever I got the hiccups, she'd do stuff that'd knock your eyes out.
- Wow.
- Guess I'll have to get a tattoo artist to put her in a sarong.
- Hm! Then she'll look just like Dorothy Lamour.
- Can they do that? - Oh, yeah.
Those guys are good as Rembrandt.
- Who? You've heard of him.
The painter.
Oh, we have aluminum siding.
Well, I guess I'm lucky I've still got Betty and Marie, my snakes.
- I'm thinking of getting a tattoo myself.
- Oh, don't do it yourself.
- No? - You need an expert.
- One of those Rembrandts? - Smartest move you can make.
Look, I can give you a half-dozen reasons for gettin' tattooed.
- Yeah.
- You look tough.
- Yeah.
- You feel great.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- The women won't leave you alone.
That's enough.
[Groans.]
- Campbell, relieve Cooper here.
- Major, I can handle this.
That's all right.
Campbell will handle it.
Cooper, I know you've been under a strain.
That's why I'm relieving you permanently.
Major, I know I have problems, but believe me, I can work them out.
I hope for your sake you can.
But not here.
We don't have the time.
- I'm transferring you out.
- Major, please.
Another week.
- I'm sorry.
- That's it? - That's it.
- [Glass Breaks.]
Major, I need help here.
- Take his arm.
- Okay.
It's all right, soldier.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
"I therefore recommend that Nurse Sandra Cooper be transferred immediately.
Respectfully, Major Margaret Houlihan.
" You're one lollapalooza, Major.
- Oh, Radar? - Yes, sir.
- Would you tell Maj.
Houlihan - I told Maj.
Houlihan you wanted to see her.
You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Uh, Colonel? - Yes? - What do you think about gettin' a tattoo? - Why, do I need one? - Not you, sir.
Me, sir.
- Oh, oh.
- A panther or a Marie? - A what? - A panther or a Oh, never mind, sir.
- Radar, leave the tattoos to the navy.
- Why, sir? Don't you like 'em? They're dumb.
Back in World War I, I had a friend your age got himself tattooed.
Put his girlfriend's face smack dab in the middle of his chest.
- Gee, that's swell.
- Swell.
Couple of years later he sprouted hair on his chest, turned her into the bearded lady.
- Wow, that's awful.
- Look, son, what do you need a tattoo for? Five years from now, you'll want to get rid of that panther.
- What do you do? Shoot 'im? - You're right, sir.
I won't get a panther.
I'll get a girl.
- Just get Major Houlihan, will ya? - I'm on my way.
[Dog Whimpering.]
Here.
Don't turn me in for this.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
- Colonel wants to see ya.
- Good.
Uh, ma'am, you mind if I ask you a question about your husband's body? - What? - Does it have any tattoos on it anywhere? You're sick! Request denied.
She stays.
- Did I hear you correctly? - I hope so, Major.
I always understood the nurses to be my responsibility.
- And the 4077 th is my responsibility.
- Oh, look, Colonel.
We all know she's a very sweet girl, but she's a crier.
So was Mrs.
Potter when I married her.
But after a few months she settled down and for 38 years come April, she's been a mighty fine wife.
- I'm very happy for both of you, Colonel.
- Thank you, Major.
The point is, if I had let a few tears get to me - I'd have dumped Mrs.
P back in 1913.
- Cooper isn't your wife.
She's my nurse.
She's my responsibility.
If she goes to pieces every time a patient moans or bleeds, she's useless to this unit.
Now, Major, Cooper's just going through her own little baptism of fire.
I don't give a damn about her baptism! I care about the patients.
So do I! But she still needs our support.
So long as she doesn't quit on herself, we won't either.
Look, give the girl a chance.
If it doesn't work out, I'll personally throw her bags on the jeep.
- I'll give her a chance if that's an order.
- Then it's an order.
- Ease up on the girl.
- Oh, of course, Colonel.
- Lord knows I wouldn't want to do anything to upset her.
- [Door Bangs.]
Thank you, Major.
I knew you'd understand.
Says here MacArthur took a little walk with Truman on the beach of Wake Island.
What do you suppose Doug said to him? Your left, your left, your left, right, left.
And Truman said, "Doug, it's all right if you want to invade China, but you'll have to go alone.
" - But, Harry, with a division you get eggroll.
- [Laughs.]
I do hope that you two vaudevillians realize that you're slandering one of the greatest military minds of the century.
- Truman? - MacArthur! Ohh, Dugout Doug.
You are infuriating.
You refuse to concede how much MacArthur has done for us.
He has a point.
Doug's got the whole country wearing sunglasses.
Even my wife smokes a corncob pipe.
I'm sure she was smoking it before MacArthur.
He's a scamp! A scamp, I tell you! - See here, gentlemen - Mail, sirs.
You are interrupting, Corporal.
It would be refreshing if just once the two of you would end an argument intelligently.
- All right.
Just this once.
[Blows Raspberry.]
- [Chuckles.]
- You find that amusing, Corporal? - Not anymore, sir.
Which do you guys like better, tigers or snakes? - Depends on the sauce.
- What are you talking about? I want a tattoo, but I'm not sure what kind to get.
How 'bout a calendar? At least for a year it'll be useful.
Make it a tie.
No restaurant'll ever refuse you.
You must have an opinion on this, Charles.
- Well - Epigram time.
As a matter of fact, tattoos are the common man's way of investing in art.
- There.
Have them tattoo that on your chest.
- Radar, you're not serious.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gettin' a tattoo over at Rosie's bar after chow tonight.
- Why a tattoo all of a sudden? - 'Cause I'm tired of bein' a nobody.
I want to be the object of respect, fear and sex.
All you're gonna be the object of is scorn, ridicule and tittering.
Why would anybody want to hang a picture on his body - that he wouldn't be caught dead hanging on his wall? - Gentlemen! - Don't interfere with this boy's freedom of expression.
- Yeah! It is the inalienable right of every human being to make a fool of himself.
- And he oughta know.
- Thanks a lot, sirs.
You helped me make up my mind.
- What's it gonna be? - When I get there, I'll definitely flip a coin.
- [Smug Chuckling.]
- Radar, if you're really gonna go through with this - at least let us meet you there when you have it done.
- So you can razz me some more? No, Radar.
We just want to make sure conditions are as antiseptic as possible.
- Oh, yeah.
Good.
- Now we promise, no more needling.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that.
It just came out.
It was an accident.
[Sighs.]
I knew you were watching me before I turned around.
- Should I go pack? - I'm afraid not.
Colonel Potter doesn't want you transferred.
He seems to think there's hope for you.
- I guess he's just an old softie.
- He can afford to be.
He doesn't work as closely with you as I do.
- Does this mean that you're getting off my back? - For the moment.
Oh, but don't worry.
Colonel Potter'll change his mind.
One day he'll be resecting a bowel and he'll yell for suction and retraction and there won't be anybody there to give it to him because you'll be God knows where crying your eyes out.
- That won't happen, Major.
- Oh? I won't give you the satisfaction.
From now on, I'm going to be just as tough and unfeeling as you are.
- Well, Radar, what's it gonna be? - Think it oughta be "Mother.
" Two Scotch on the rocks and a grape Nehi for the expectant mother.
- No, I'll have a beer.
- What? No grape Nehi? Guys with tattoos always drink beer.
Radar, you know anybody who's got a tattoo? - Just the guy over at post-op.
- Anybody else? Uh, no.
Guys with tattoos don't pal around with guys like me.
I think you ought to get a second opinion.
Uh, anybody here got a tattoo? Yeah, I got a few.
What's it to ya? Our friend here could use some advice from the man who owns one.
- Sure.
What do you wanna know, pal? - I was wondering what to get.
- What do you have? - Several.
- Wow! - Marine emblem.
Semper fidelis.
- Latin for "always faithful.
" - I'd want to meet the girl first.
- Sergeant, can we buy you a drink? - Yeah.
Another grape Nehi.
- You like grape Nehi too? - Hate it.
I'm not allowed to drink booze.
- How come? - On account of my mother.
- What? You promised her you wouldn't drink? - No.
She gave me hepatitis.
See "Mother"? I got it from a dirty needle in Seoul.
- I can't touch another drop for six months.
- Wow! If the hepatitis don't get ya, that stuff will.
Oh, the sacrifices we make for our mothers.
Take my advice, kid.
Don't get anything.
- He said it, Radar.
We didn't.
- Look, I don't know you guys, right? - [B.
J.
, Hawkeye.]
Right.
- Forget the disease.
Forget the pain.
- It might be a shot in the arm now - A thousand shots.
But someday you're gonna meet a cute little dame, and she's gonna be crazy about ya.
Then you're gonna roll up your sleeve, and she's gonna see that stupid tattoo and the twinkle in her eye is gonna go right out the window.
So, what do you think, Radar? I think I'll, uh, wait a little.
Oh, hiya, Sarge.
Glad you found 'em.
He was lookin' all over for you guys.
- Klinger! - Oh, I see! So you guys didn't know each other, huh? You said you weren't gonna butt in! - It's dangerous.
- We were trying to save your skin.
- O'Reilly.
Corporal O'Reilly.
- Yeah! - You're next.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get it, and it's gonna be a snake.
Huh huh! I think.
Klinger, you're next.
- Me? - Yeah.
We're gonna tattoo a zipper on your mouth.
- So they all left together.
- Oh, no! [Laughs.]
- Are you gonna finish that? - No.
Why? You actually want more of this stuff? - Not for me.
I'm collecting scraps for the puppy.
- Oh, didn't you hear? - Hear what? - He was killed this morning.
- Oh, no.
How? - Ran in front of a jeep.
- Aw, gee, that's a shame.
- Somebody should've tied him up.
Why'd they let a dog run loose around here anyway? - I'm gonna wash my hair.
I'll see ya later.
- Save some hot water for me.
- Where'd he come from? - Nobody knows.
Hejust strolled in here one day.
- Klinger was feeding him.
- See ya later.
- Can I use your nail polish? - Sure.
Which color? - Peach.
- Peach? Okay.
I think the red'd look better.
Right this way.
We have a lovely table for one with a view of the mosquito netting.
Margaret.
Aren't you staying for the floor show? The cook's gonna confess.
- Excuse me, please.
- Hey, are you okay? - Leave me alone! - What's your hurry? Let's talk a little.
- What do you want? - You look all choked up.
I don't think it's the food.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Anyway, it's none of your business.
It might help to talk.
Look, two ears, no waiting.
Will you stop annoying me? Fine! I thought something was bothering you, and I wanted to help.
You're always trying to get into my head when there's nothing there.
Look, Margaret, sooner or later, this place gets to everybody.
I don't fall over, Captain.
Everything around here will be just fine if there's a little less leaning and a lot more leadership.
We need obedience.
We need discipline, not this chaos.
Doctors like you constantly out of uniform, nurses who don't belong in uniforms - dogs running around loose in camp.
- Dogs? They're getting run over by jeeps.
- Get out of here! - No, your emotions are all churned up.
You're not doing yourself a favor keeping a cork on it.
Let it out.
Let out what? There is nothing to let out! I'm not churned up.
I'm not emotional.
If you wanna cork something, go cork your mouth.
Go, go.
- Will you just get out - Margaret, I saw you sneaking food to that dog all week.
This morning he got run over.
You trying to tell me you're not upset by that? I've got people dying all around me.
You think I'd get upset because a dog gets run over? Why should I get upset about a about a little dog? [Sobbing.]
[Footsteps Approaching.]
- How's he doing? - Much better.
He's resting.
- Cooper - Yes? I've been a little rough on you.
I want you to know that I'm sorry.
- You mean that, Major? - Yes, I do.
This place gets to everybody, and sooner or later, you can't help but let it out.
That's very understanding of you, Major.
Thank you.
Why the change? None of your business.
Just get back to work, and don't let it get to you.
I won't, Major.
- Come on, Radar! Show it to us.
- Not now.
I'm busy working.
- When you work, you should roll up your sleeves.
- So we can see your tattoo.
- That won't do it, sir.
- Must be on his chest.
- Radar, take off your shirt.
- That won't do it either.
Heh! Radar, did you tattoo your tush? I didn't want you guys talkin' me out of it, and I didn't want anybody to see it either.
- Radar, we're not just anybody.
We're your comrades in arms.
- Your bosom buddies.
Aw, come on! A person has a right to their own nudeness.
That doesn't even make sense.
You dropped your pants for the tattooist.
- He's a stranger.
We're family.
- More than that, we're doctors.
We need to check for infection.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, no, no, no.
- Radar, let's see it.
- No, sir, sir.
Corporal, and for the time being you still are a corporal, let me remind you of one thing As your commanding officer, it's my duty to inspect any part of this camp.
Colonel, do you mean to tell me that I'm gonna have to Drop 'em.
Oh, boy.
- Okay.
But this is under protest.
- Understood.
- Wow! - Betcha it's the Mona Lisa.
- With that smile? - There! Well, I'll be hornswoggled! - Will you look at that? - This is embarrassing.
- It's a teddy bear.
- But it's so tiny! Well, he didn't want anything ostentatious.
- I didn't want anything showy either.
- Well, you did it, Radar.
- No "butts" about it.
- You're gonna have to live with that for the rest of your life.
- No, no, it'll come off.
- Only when the bottom drops out.
No, I was afraid of that dirty needle, and I had him draw it on with ink.
- It'll come off when I take a bath.
- My God, it is permanent.
- Oh, Radar? - [Radar.]
Yes, sir? - [Metal Clanking.]
- Did you send out those Uh, yeah.
I did sir.
I mailed out the forms three days ago.
- Thank you.
- Uuh! - [Whistles.]
- You had me worried.
Thought you were havin' an attack.
- So now it's body building.
- At least muscles are something you can really show off.
Yeah, but you wind up being a slave to your body.
Then you get tired of lifting weights and all those muscles turn into flab overnight.
Chuck it, Radar.
- Think I will, sir.
- Good boy.
Now, if you really want to do some lifting go to the Mess Tent and lift some of those oatmeal cookies.
- You know, the ones with the stale raisins.
- Ones with the stale raisins.
[Door Opens, Shuts.]
[Clears Throat.]