Parks and Recreation s06e09 Episode Script
The Cones of Dunshire
- Are you ready? - Yes! No, babe.
Are you ready? Yes? I got fired from running the Sweetums Foundation.
Thanks to me.
Sorry, again.
Hey, blessing in disguise.
I took a job at this accounting firm, they've tried to hire me three times, I finally gave in.
But I've had a week off in between jobs, and I've been cooking up something pretty big.
The last time he was in between jobs, he got deep into claymation, so this should be different, hopefully.
Presenting "The Cones of Dunshire," a brand-new gaming experience.
Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman.
Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.
Oh, boy.
Now, the object is to accumulate cones.
Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization.
The other amazing thing is the challenge play.
Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, 'cause you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first.
Nah, never mind.
The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the gamein reverse.
Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with.
Oh, 16.
Perfect, lots of choices.
Okay, each turn goes: Roll, buy, action.
I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game.
But the corporal can veto.
This should be green too.
How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.
- What is this called again? - "The Cones of Dunshire.
" Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits.
How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right? When do you go back to work again? Tomorrow.
It's fine.
I'll just throw this in the garbage.
As soon as Knope is gone, these are going up all over Chambers.
Jamm for three! Ha ha! What, are you trying to build a house with those bricks? Ooh! The girl is attacking me.
Any new business before we adjourn? Yes, I have one-- the Pawnee Commons.
Oh, boy.
The money for the Pawnee Commons, aka the greatest future park in the world, aka my personal dream project Aka Is currently in a discretionary fund.
I'd like to move it to a lockbox, to ensure that it is used for that project.
The thing is, Leslie, this kind of decision is-- it's not really up to you anymore.
Because the voters, to use a technical political term, gave you the stanky boot.
But we'll keep your money safe, baby girl.
What, you think I'm gonna use it to put a new limestone shower in my office? Yeah, now I do.
I propose that we table this discussion until, let's say, the second Knope is gone.
Later, bunheads.
Glass! Video Ron demand.
What you carrying, my dude? The time has come to sell my cabin.
But I haven't had much luck finding a buyer.
"For sale.
Small house.
Location: Forest.
" It's a little wordy, don't you think? "Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses.
" The hell is wrong with you, Swanson? Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.
If you really want to unload that little horror cabin, you gonna need a professional to stage it properly.
Lucky for you, I recently got my real estate license.
Spladow! Check it.
"Regal Meagle Realty.
" "Find your castle.
" Fine, I suppose I could use some help.
Yo, Donna, let me get a little skin in the game, maybe split that commission? All right.
Show me what you got.
I'll split that commish.
Split that commish The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul.
I even thought about downhill skiing.
A mogul mogul.
But a real estate mogul? Hmm.
That's a hot mogul right now.
Ben Wyatt, reporting for duty.
How you doing, Barney? Good to see you again.
I just can't believe it's finally happening.
Dad! He's here! He really came! Hello, Ben.
I'm Frank.
I took the job when you passed it up last time.
Heard a lot about you.
Well, all good things, I hope.
A little too good.
Let's see if you live up to the hype.
I'm not joking.
Oh.
Frank seems cool.
Well, tell everybody in Michigan I said hi, and tell your mom that I love the banana cake she posted on Pinterest.
Oh, the father of your child is here.
I have to go.
I'll talk to you soon.
- I love you.
- Was that Ann? I hope you were speaking to her in a calming voice 'cause babies can hear everything.
Baby, if you can still hear me, I love you.
- The phone is hung up.
- Oh.
You got my message about Jamm being a dinkhead? Yes, but as city manager, I can't play sides.
And I think all of our heads can be a little dinky at times.
Fine, but his is the dinkiest.
And I would know because I'm keeping score.
Ever since I started city council, I have gone head-to-head with Jamm 112 times.
He has won 56 times, I have won 56 times.
I will not lose our last battle.
Will you help me? No.
Oh.
The way you stood up like that, I thought it was gonna go a different way.
No, I can't help directly, but I am on your side.
And I will assist you in any way that I can.
Maybe I can mediate, like Dr.
Phil, only qualified.
So what's the story, Ron? Diane making you sell this place? Not at all.
Recently, I purchased a new cabin big enough for the whole family.
I just can't justify owning four cabins.
Two cabins.
The new cabin I bought has a great tire swing for the girls, access to a lake for all the kids to play in.
Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.
I usually get a 5% commission, but I'll do it for 3%.
Friends and family discount.
Make it 5%.
I don't want you getting any ideas about us being friends.
- Respect.
- Donna, baby.
For the fireplace, I'm thinking fake antlers.
But what kind of scarves do we want to hang off the fake antlers? - Oh, duh.
Crocheted.
- Most def.
That'll look legit next to those antique "Visit France" posters.
Mm.
Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage? I'd like that very much.
We can watch the shadows get longer.
Okay.
Wow, you guys sure take the start-up paperwork seriously around here.
Sorry to start you out like this, and on a Friday no less.
But it's our toughest case.
Three competing family trusts, a contested will-- it's a real puzzler! So let's see what you got, genius.
If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys.
The hell you nerds doing here? We're not done talking about the lockbox.
This isn't over.
And I am here to mediate.
You can't just show up at my door like this.
Look, I know we have had our differences, but this is very important to me.
And I'm not leaving until we hash this out.
I respect the moxie, Knope.
You can come in for a minute.
Shoes off.
This is a house of respect.
Well, I don't need to do that.
My feet are very clean.
No shoes, you lose.
"No shoes, you lose"? That means we should have shoes then, right? No shoes Hmm.
Yeah, so this is my weekend dojo.
Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess.
My wife's in Oklahoma for eight months.
Maybe forever.
We'll see if she forgives me.
- Who's that, Michelle Wie? - It's not sexual.
I'm just a really big fan of her game.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because in that picture, she's wearing a bikini.
Yeah, thanks.
Photoshopped it myself.
Fantastic.
Well, this is about the time I hit the hay, so Why don't we all hit the hay? We'll stay here, get a good night's sleep, and we can start negotiations tomorrow.
We stopped at the outlet mall on the way here.
Got ourselves a sleeping bag, a giant tin of caramel corn, and an irregular skirt from DKNY.
The hem is crooked, but it was 8 bucks.
The point is, I am not leaving until I get that lockbox.
Oh, playing hardball, huh? Hey, no sweat off my sack.
You can take the couch, if you can get my exercise equipment out of the way.
I think I can handle it.
How sweet is this table, by the way, huh? I got it from an actual benihana.
Cost me 4 grand.
Worth every penny.
Hai! Can I interest anyone in an authentic a-Japanese a-break-a-fast? Scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks? Okay.
Hai! You know, maybe we should negotiate - while we're eating.
- No, what's the rush? Plenty of time for that later.
You know what might put you in the mood to talk is a couple of brewskis and a calendar featuring some of your favorite female wrestlers.
Oh, yeah.
Knope, you know the way to a man's heart.
Yeah, okay.
Let's talk.
You got it.
These people won't leave.
One guy even looked in the bathroom.
Yeah, that means they like the place.
If you just leave them alone, I think we might get some offers.
This evergreen scented candle should help put people in the mood to buy.
You could just open the door and let the actual smell of the pines in.
Trees are sticky, and they got bugs in them.
This place is so random.
I don't know.
It's kind of, like, in the middle of nowhere.
I know.
That's, like, the hilarious part.
It's like a joke how long it takes to get here.
It's like a meta-cabin.
- Oh yeah.
- That's what I thought, yeah.
I heard that Dave Eggers wrote a short story about this tape cassette that he found under that tree over there.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? I'm trying to get these annoying dumdums to pay more money for your cabin.
Carry on.
Oh, my God, I heard that Neko Case and Ben Gibbard made out here once.
What? Saturday at the firm with Ben.
Okay, we dissolve the loan-out and file bankruptcy.
That way only our clients have claim to the assets.
Great idea that we had a month ago.
The problem is, the trust still has claim to the property.
Then we dissolve the trust.
Clients "A," "B," and "F," they would have to agree, but if they went for it, we could arbitrate.
He's right.
We never thought of that.
Oh, oh! Ben, Ben.
Say it again but this time I'm gonna turn the light on, like you just had an idea.
Sure, sure.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Um, okay.
What if we dissolve the trust? Yes! You just cracked the case.
I'm just doing my job.
Okay, here's an idea.
Maybe we name part of the park - the "Jamm Zone"? - Hmm.
Yeah, Jamm could dig on that.
How about if in the Jamm zone, there's no married chicks allowed? Caution, Jeremy.
I think there are people that will find the "No Married Chicks" zone both morally repugnant and hard to enforce.
All right.
Listen, let us celebrate this progress by sharing these authentic edamame, or Tokyo beans.
Now I want you to be very careful about eating these.
You eat the shells, and you throw the seeds out.
Wow.
You have really immersed yourself in Asian culture.
Now I think maybe we should revisit the holding bond idea.
Ugh, Lezzie.
Come on, I'm getting bored.
I mean, we've been at this for hours.
Can we please take a break? Perhaps he has a point.
And we've made some progress.
Maybe we go home and take the rest of it up on Monday.
No, I cannot wait until Monday.
I need to close this deal now.
So I have an idea.
Let's have a change of venue and keep negotiating while we have fun.
If I remember correctly, you enjoy the ancient art of karaoke, yes? I do.
And kudos on that pronunciation.
I remembered your favorite duet.
Maybe it's time to take this party to Rydell High.
Whoa! I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm Sandra Dee.
That's more of my register.
You're Zuko.
He got friendly, holdin' my hand She got friendly down in the sand He was sweet, just turned 18 Well, she was good, you know what I mean? Uh summer heat boy and girl meet but ah, oh, those summer nights I would like to buy five DVDs of this.
No, 20.
No, 60! No, that's insane.
Dubee doo dubee doo dubee dubee dubee dow Good news.
We have multiple bidders.
That guy's getting his financials together.
Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
Why would he want to tear down a perfectly good cabin? I think he's a developer, wants to put in a luxury glamp-ground.
Glamping is "glamour camping.
" Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi-- You're describing a hotel.
And I think we still have traction with those two.
Oh, hey, man.
I love the mustache.
So funny.
You ever think about twisting it up at the ends, huh? Use a little beeswax? The open house is now closed.
We are not accepting bids at this time.
The sun sets in 95 minutes.
Good day.
That's part of the charm of this whole place-- the cantankerous old coot who owns it.
It's authentic! I gotta say, that was pretty fun up there.
We have fun when we collaborate, right? Working together? Lockbox, right? You know, in some weird, perverted, sexual way, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.
- Oh.
- You are my Nemesis.
You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.
You want to be Lex Luthor? Uh, yeah.
Lex Luthor is rich.
Well, okay.
I can't argue with that.
So I did Zuko for you.
Now you give me the lockbox.
Leslie put a beautiful cross into the box, Jeremy.
Time for you to head it in.
All right, Knope.
What can I say? You wore me down.
I will give you my word, and I will put it in writing, so I can't back out.
We won't touch the money for one year.
And if the economy holds up, you can start construction then.
Leslie, you have your lockbox.
And you scored a triple dragon on your song.
No, I cannot wait a year.
I want to get started now.
I want construction started on Monday.
You have his word.
And this is riddled with spelling errors, - but it is binding.
- It's not good enough! Jamm, I sang your stupid song, I ate your stupid fake Asian food, and by the way, you should know, you don't make sushi rolls out of tuna salad-- Maybe you don't.
I did practically everything you wanted, and you won't just give this to me today? Screw you! - You're giving a card to me? - You left me no choice.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Please, could you excuse us? Leslie, you should be happy! You beat Jamm in the final battle.
Unless there's something more going on here.
Ann.
This is about Ann.
Ann Perkins? I love Ann Perkins.
Pawnee Commons is why I met Ann five years ago.
And I know you guys are talking about moving.
But I guess I thought if maybe Ann came back from Michigan tomorrow, and I was able to look into her smoky, ethnically ambiguous eyes and tell her that we were breaking ground on a new park, she might-- - she might want to stay.
- Leslie, I'm sorry.
Ann didn't just go to Ann arbor to visit family.
She went to sign the lease on our new home.
Ann arbor sounds disgusting.
She already has family there.
And I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan.
Go blue! It's a good town.
And it's a great place to raise a family.
What is great about it? There's no JJ's Diner there.
There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign.
I mean, the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous.
Unexpected play here, Superman.
Not exactly sure what you're going for, but I dig your Gambit.
There is no Gambit here, Jamm.
And who sides with Lex Luthor, by the way? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
I haven't seen it.
Not a big Morgan Freeman guy.
I find his voice very grating.
I am leaving now.
I am not moving.
I'm just going home.
Are you guys coming back to my place? What's--what's-- or are you guys going back to-- we wrapping up the weekend? No? Need a cup to perk me up coffee in the morning - Surprise! - Oh, my God! I hope you don't mind.
We decided to throw you a pizza party to say congrats for cracking the case.
Oh, my God, you guys.
See what we got here.
Wait a second.
That's not pizza.
Those are calzones! - I love calzones! - We know! I think it's safe to say I made the right choice.
What's up, guys? Hey! BFF slideshow? You know that even after we leave Pawnee, Ann will always be your best friend.
And it's not that long a trip.
Well, it would be even faster if the governor would return my calls about my Pawnee-to-Ann arbor bullet train idea.
You know, I went to Jamm's with you because I also want to leave the right kind of legacy, and that includes Pawnee commons.
Well, I think I burned that bridge with Jamm.
We're not gonna get that lockbox.
And I am not singing Beauty School Dropout.
It's sexist, and I don't do slow jams.
I have an idea.
And I'd like you to consider it a good-bye gift from me to you.
No, thank you.
I will let him know.
That was that couple you liked at the open house.
I despised them.
Well, they just came back with a new offer and jacked that shizz up.
Way over asking price.
Ron, who cares who they are? That's a massive bid.
I'ma be a mogul.
I bought that cabin I do not care about the money.
I can't even understand what you're saying right now.
That cabin served an important purpose for me, as a quiet refuge from the nonsense of modern life.
I'd like the next owners to understand and share that purpose.
Find me someone like that, and I'll happily sell.
I'll buy it.
You can't afford that house.
Can you afford that house? What would you use it for? I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders.
And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them.
Here's my offer.
I will give you everything in my purse.
$8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.
Thank God.
I've been looking for that.
Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now.
You have no legal claim to it.
Sorry, I had no idea.
This is the best offer I've heard yet.
Uh, you tripping right now.
Sold.
Don't even trip.
Your commission.
Thanks a lot.
Your share, mogul.
I'm about to play golf with a guy who was almost on The Apprentice, so this better be good.
You give Leslie her lockbox, and you get me in your hip pocket.
Starting in my next term as city manager, I will give you one huge I.
O.
U.
, no questions asked.
Hmm.
Jamm likes the sound of that.
Let's make it five I.
O.
U.
s, and you got a deal.
You drive a hard bargain, but you leave me no choice.
Fine.
Five huge IOUs.
Deal, guys.
You must really want that park.
I do.
Yes.
And to tell you the truth, I'm doing it all for my best friend.
That's all I wanted to hear.
Leslie, you're my best friend too.
Well, vote passed.
3-2.
Jamm is gonna be so pissed when he finds out that you're leaving and your I.
O.
U.
s are worthless.
Are you sure you're okay with what you did? Well, it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done, but on the flip side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away a little bit.
Oh, I'm currently in deep denial that that's happening.
Speaking of which, how's the new gig coming? Well, I got a raise, and my fridge is full of calzones, so not complaining.
The reason I ask is this town is gonna need a new city manager.
And I've talked to some people, and you have the votes if you want the job.
Wh-- Seriously? Is this for realskis? This is 100% certified for realskis.
- What do you say? - I mean, I--wow.
I would be insane to say no.
Oh, no.
Wyatt, you're late.
I'm just kidding, you can do whatever you want.
Actually, Barney, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Today's my last day.
I got an opportunity I couldn't say no to, and I have to quit.
Again.
No need to explain.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Oh, I do have a little going-away gift.
Left it in the break room.
If anyone could appreciate it, it's you guys.
"You can play with one warrior, "but it's just not nearly as good.
Enjoy.
Ben Wyatt.
" Let's play.
- I call ledgerman! - No.
Are you ready? Yes? I got fired from running the Sweetums Foundation.
Thanks to me.
Sorry, again.
Hey, blessing in disguise.
I took a job at this accounting firm, they've tried to hire me three times, I finally gave in.
But I've had a week off in between jobs, and I've been cooking up something pretty big.
The last time he was in between jobs, he got deep into claymation, so this should be different, hopefully.
Presenting "The Cones of Dunshire," a brand-new gaming experience.
Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman.
Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.
Oh, boy.
Now, the object is to accumulate cones.
Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization.
The other amazing thing is the challenge play.
Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, 'cause you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first.
Nah, never mind.
The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the gamein reverse.
Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with.
Oh, 16.
Perfect, lots of choices.
Okay, each turn goes: Roll, buy, action.
I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game.
But the corporal can veto.
This should be green too.
How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.
- What is this called again? - "The Cones of Dunshire.
" Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits.
How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right? When do you go back to work again? Tomorrow.
It's fine.
I'll just throw this in the garbage.
As soon as Knope is gone, these are going up all over Chambers.
Jamm for three! Ha ha! What, are you trying to build a house with those bricks? Ooh! The girl is attacking me.
Any new business before we adjourn? Yes, I have one-- the Pawnee Commons.
Oh, boy.
The money for the Pawnee Commons, aka the greatest future park in the world, aka my personal dream project Aka Is currently in a discretionary fund.
I'd like to move it to a lockbox, to ensure that it is used for that project.
The thing is, Leslie, this kind of decision is-- it's not really up to you anymore.
Because the voters, to use a technical political term, gave you the stanky boot.
But we'll keep your money safe, baby girl.
What, you think I'm gonna use it to put a new limestone shower in my office? Yeah, now I do.
I propose that we table this discussion until, let's say, the second Knope is gone.
Later, bunheads.
Glass! Video Ron demand.
What you carrying, my dude? The time has come to sell my cabin.
But I haven't had much luck finding a buyer.
"For sale.
Small house.
Location: Forest.
" It's a little wordy, don't you think? "Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses.
" The hell is wrong with you, Swanson? Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.
If you really want to unload that little horror cabin, you gonna need a professional to stage it properly.
Lucky for you, I recently got my real estate license.
Spladow! Check it.
"Regal Meagle Realty.
" "Find your castle.
" Fine, I suppose I could use some help.
Yo, Donna, let me get a little skin in the game, maybe split that commission? All right.
Show me what you got.
I'll split that commish.
Split that commish The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul.
I even thought about downhill skiing.
A mogul mogul.
But a real estate mogul? Hmm.
That's a hot mogul right now.
Ben Wyatt, reporting for duty.
How you doing, Barney? Good to see you again.
I just can't believe it's finally happening.
Dad! He's here! He really came! Hello, Ben.
I'm Frank.
I took the job when you passed it up last time.
Heard a lot about you.
Well, all good things, I hope.
A little too good.
Let's see if you live up to the hype.
I'm not joking.
Oh.
Frank seems cool.
Well, tell everybody in Michigan I said hi, and tell your mom that I love the banana cake she posted on Pinterest.
Oh, the father of your child is here.
I have to go.
I'll talk to you soon.
- I love you.
- Was that Ann? I hope you were speaking to her in a calming voice 'cause babies can hear everything.
Baby, if you can still hear me, I love you.
- The phone is hung up.
- Oh.
You got my message about Jamm being a dinkhead? Yes, but as city manager, I can't play sides.
And I think all of our heads can be a little dinky at times.
Fine, but his is the dinkiest.
And I would know because I'm keeping score.
Ever since I started city council, I have gone head-to-head with Jamm 112 times.
He has won 56 times, I have won 56 times.
I will not lose our last battle.
Will you help me? No.
Oh.
The way you stood up like that, I thought it was gonna go a different way.
No, I can't help directly, but I am on your side.
And I will assist you in any way that I can.
Maybe I can mediate, like Dr.
Phil, only qualified.
So what's the story, Ron? Diane making you sell this place? Not at all.
Recently, I purchased a new cabin big enough for the whole family.
I just can't justify owning four cabins.
Two cabins.
The new cabin I bought has a great tire swing for the girls, access to a lake for all the kids to play in.
Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.
I usually get a 5% commission, but I'll do it for 3%.
Friends and family discount.
Make it 5%.
I don't want you getting any ideas about us being friends.
- Respect.
- Donna, baby.
For the fireplace, I'm thinking fake antlers.
But what kind of scarves do we want to hang off the fake antlers? - Oh, duh.
Crocheted.
- Most def.
That'll look legit next to those antique "Visit France" posters.
Mm.
Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage? I'd like that very much.
We can watch the shadows get longer.
Okay.
Wow, you guys sure take the start-up paperwork seriously around here.
Sorry to start you out like this, and on a Friday no less.
But it's our toughest case.
Three competing family trusts, a contested will-- it's a real puzzler! So let's see what you got, genius.
If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys.
The hell you nerds doing here? We're not done talking about the lockbox.
This isn't over.
And I am here to mediate.
You can't just show up at my door like this.
Look, I know we have had our differences, but this is very important to me.
And I'm not leaving until we hash this out.
I respect the moxie, Knope.
You can come in for a minute.
Shoes off.
This is a house of respect.
Well, I don't need to do that.
My feet are very clean.
No shoes, you lose.
"No shoes, you lose"? That means we should have shoes then, right? No shoes Hmm.
Yeah, so this is my weekend dojo.
Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess.
My wife's in Oklahoma for eight months.
Maybe forever.
We'll see if she forgives me.
- Who's that, Michelle Wie? - It's not sexual.
I'm just a really big fan of her game.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because in that picture, she's wearing a bikini.
Yeah, thanks.
Photoshopped it myself.
Fantastic.
Well, this is about the time I hit the hay, so Why don't we all hit the hay? We'll stay here, get a good night's sleep, and we can start negotiations tomorrow.
We stopped at the outlet mall on the way here.
Got ourselves a sleeping bag, a giant tin of caramel corn, and an irregular skirt from DKNY.
The hem is crooked, but it was 8 bucks.
The point is, I am not leaving until I get that lockbox.
Oh, playing hardball, huh? Hey, no sweat off my sack.
You can take the couch, if you can get my exercise equipment out of the way.
I think I can handle it.
How sweet is this table, by the way, huh? I got it from an actual benihana.
Cost me 4 grand.
Worth every penny.
Hai! Can I interest anyone in an authentic a-Japanese a-break-a-fast? Scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks? Okay.
Hai! You know, maybe we should negotiate - while we're eating.
- No, what's the rush? Plenty of time for that later.
You know what might put you in the mood to talk is a couple of brewskis and a calendar featuring some of your favorite female wrestlers.
Oh, yeah.
Knope, you know the way to a man's heart.
Yeah, okay.
Let's talk.
You got it.
These people won't leave.
One guy even looked in the bathroom.
Yeah, that means they like the place.
If you just leave them alone, I think we might get some offers.
This evergreen scented candle should help put people in the mood to buy.
You could just open the door and let the actual smell of the pines in.
Trees are sticky, and they got bugs in them.
This place is so random.
I don't know.
It's kind of, like, in the middle of nowhere.
I know.
That's, like, the hilarious part.
It's like a joke how long it takes to get here.
It's like a meta-cabin.
- Oh yeah.
- That's what I thought, yeah.
I heard that Dave Eggers wrote a short story about this tape cassette that he found under that tree over there.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? I'm trying to get these annoying dumdums to pay more money for your cabin.
Carry on.
Oh, my God, I heard that Neko Case and Ben Gibbard made out here once.
What? Saturday at the firm with Ben.
Okay, we dissolve the loan-out and file bankruptcy.
That way only our clients have claim to the assets.
Great idea that we had a month ago.
The problem is, the trust still has claim to the property.
Then we dissolve the trust.
Clients "A," "B," and "F," they would have to agree, but if they went for it, we could arbitrate.
He's right.
We never thought of that.
Oh, oh! Ben, Ben.
Say it again but this time I'm gonna turn the light on, like you just had an idea.
Sure, sure.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Um, okay.
What if we dissolve the trust? Yes! You just cracked the case.
I'm just doing my job.
Okay, here's an idea.
Maybe we name part of the park - the "Jamm Zone"? - Hmm.
Yeah, Jamm could dig on that.
How about if in the Jamm zone, there's no married chicks allowed? Caution, Jeremy.
I think there are people that will find the "No Married Chicks" zone both morally repugnant and hard to enforce.
All right.
Listen, let us celebrate this progress by sharing these authentic edamame, or Tokyo beans.
Now I want you to be very careful about eating these.
You eat the shells, and you throw the seeds out.
Wow.
You have really immersed yourself in Asian culture.
Now I think maybe we should revisit the holding bond idea.
Ugh, Lezzie.
Come on, I'm getting bored.
I mean, we've been at this for hours.
Can we please take a break? Perhaps he has a point.
And we've made some progress.
Maybe we go home and take the rest of it up on Monday.
No, I cannot wait until Monday.
I need to close this deal now.
So I have an idea.
Let's have a change of venue and keep negotiating while we have fun.
If I remember correctly, you enjoy the ancient art of karaoke, yes? I do.
And kudos on that pronunciation.
I remembered your favorite duet.
Maybe it's time to take this party to Rydell High.
Whoa! I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm Sandra Dee.
That's more of my register.
You're Zuko.
He got friendly, holdin' my hand She got friendly down in the sand He was sweet, just turned 18 Well, she was good, you know what I mean? Uh summer heat boy and girl meet but ah, oh, those summer nights I would like to buy five DVDs of this.
No, 20.
No, 60! No, that's insane.
Dubee doo dubee doo dubee dubee dubee dow Good news.
We have multiple bidders.
That guy's getting his financials together.
Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
Why would he want to tear down a perfectly good cabin? I think he's a developer, wants to put in a luxury glamp-ground.
Glamping is "glamour camping.
" Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi-- You're describing a hotel.
And I think we still have traction with those two.
Oh, hey, man.
I love the mustache.
So funny.
You ever think about twisting it up at the ends, huh? Use a little beeswax? The open house is now closed.
We are not accepting bids at this time.
The sun sets in 95 minutes.
Good day.
That's part of the charm of this whole place-- the cantankerous old coot who owns it.
It's authentic! I gotta say, that was pretty fun up there.
We have fun when we collaborate, right? Working together? Lockbox, right? You know, in some weird, perverted, sexual way, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.
- Oh.
- You are my Nemesis.
You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.
You want to be Lex Luthor? Uh, yeah.
Lex Luthor is rich.
Well, okay.
I can't argue with that.
So I did Zuko for you.
Now you give me the lockbox.
Leslie put a beautiful cross into the box, Jeremy.
Time for you to head it in.
All right, Knope.
What can I say? You wore me down.
I will give you my word, and I will put it in writing, so I can't back out.
We won't touch the money for one year.
And if the economy holds up, you can start construction then.
Leslie, you have your lockbox.
And you scored a triple dragon on your song.
No, I cannot wait a year.
I want to get started now.
I want construction started on Monday.
You have his word.
And this is riddled with spelling errors, - but it is binding.
- It's not good enough! Jamm, I sang your stupid song, I ate your stupid fake Asian food, and by the way, you should know, you don't make sushi rolls out of tuna salad-- Maybe you don't.
I did practically everything you wanted, and you won't just give this to me today? Screw you! - You're giving a card to me? - You left me no choice.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Please, could you excuse us? Leslie, you should be happy! You beat Jamm in the final battle.
Unless there's something more going on here.
Ann.
This is about Ann.
Ann Perkins? I love Ann Perkins.
Pawnee Commons is why I met Ann five years ago.
And I know you guys are talking about moving.
But I guess I thought if maybe Ann came back from Michigan tomorrow, and I was able to look into her smoky, ethnically ambiguous eyes and tell her that we were breaking ground on a new park, she might-- - she might want to stay.
- Leslie, I'm sorry.
Ann didn't just go to Ann arbor to visit family.
She went to sign the lease on our new home.
Ann arbor sounds disgusting.
She already has family there.
And I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan.
Go blue! It's a good town.
And it's a great place to raise a family.
What is great about it? There's no JJ's Diner there.
There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign.
I mean, the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous.
Unexpected play here, Superman.
Not exactly sure what you're going for, but I dig your Gambit.
There is no Gambit here, Jamm.
And who sides with Lex Luthor, by the way? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
I haven't seen it.
Not a big Morgan Freeman guy.
I find his voice very grating.
I am leaving now.
I am not moving.
I'm just going home.
Are you guys coming back to my place? What's--what's-- or are you guys going back to-- we wrapping up the weekend? No? Need a cup to perk me up coffee in the morning - Surprise! - Oh, my God! I hope you don't mind.
We decided to throw you a pizza party to say congrats for cracking the case.
Oh, my God, you guys.
See what we got here.
Wait a second.
That's not pizza.
Those are calzones! - I love calzones! - We know! I think it's safe to say I made the right choice.
What's up, guys? Hey! BFF slideshow? You know that even after we leave Pawnee, Ann will always be your best friend.
And it's not that long a trip.
Well, it would be even faster if the governor would return my calls about my Pawnee-to-Ann arbor bullet train idea.
You know, I went to Jamm's with you because I also want to leave the right kind of legacy, and that includes Pawnee commons.
Well, I think I burned that bridge with Jamm.
We're not gonna get that lockbox.
And I am not singing Beauty School Dropout.
It's sexist, and I don't do slow jams.
I have an idea.
And I'd like you to consider it a good-bye gift from me to you.
No, thank you.
I will let him know.
That was that couple you liked at the open house.
I despised them.
Well, they just came back with a new offer and jacked that shizz up.
Way over asking price.
Ron, who cares who they are? That's a massive bid.
I'ma be a mogul.
I bought that cabin I do not care about the money.
I can't even understand what you're saying right now.
That cabin served an important purpose for me, as a quiet refuge from the nonsense of modern life.
I'd like the next owners to understand and share that purpose.
Find me someone like that, and I'll happily sell.
I'll buy it.
You can't afford that house.
Can you afford that house? What would you use it for? I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders.
And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them.
Here's my offer.
I will give you everything in my purse.
$8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.
Thank God.
I've been looking for that.
Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now.
You have no legal claim to it.
Sorry, I had no idea.
This is the best offer I've heard yet.
Uh, you tripping right now.
Sold.
Don't even trip.
Your commission.
Thanks a lot.
Your share, mogul.
I'm about to play golf with a guy who was almost on The Apprentice, so this better be good.
You give Leslie her lockbox, and you get me in your hip pocket.
Starting in my next term as city manager, I will give you one huge I.
O.
U.
, no questions asked.
Hmm.
Jamm likes the sound of that.
Let's make it five I.
O.
U.
s, and you got a deal.
You drive a hard bargain, but you leave me no choice.
Fine.
Five huge IOUs.
Deal, guys.
You must really want that park.
I do.
Yes.
And to tell you the truth, I'm doing it all for my best friend.
That's all I wanted to hear.
Leslie, you're my best friend too.
Well, vote passed.
3-2.
Jamm is gonna be so pissed when he finds out that you're leaving and your I.
O.
U.
s are worthless.
Are you sure you're okay with what you did? Well, it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done, but on the flip side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away a little bit.
Oh, I'm currently in deep denial that that's happening.
Speaking of which, how's the new gig coming? Well, I got a raise, and my fridge is full of calzones, so not complaining.
The reason I ask is this town is gonna need a new city manager.
And I've talked to some people, and you have the votes if you want the job.
Wh-- Seriously? Is this for realskis? This is 100% certified for realskis.
- What do you say? - I mean, I--wow.
I would be insane to say no.
Oh, no.
Wyatt, you're late.
I'm just kidding, you can do whatever you want.
Actually, Barney, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Today's my last day.
I got an opportunity I couldn't say no to, and I have to quit.
Again.
No need to explain.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Oh, I do have a little going-away gift.
Left it in the break room.
If anyone could appreciate it, it's you guys.
"You can play with one warrior, "but it's just not nearly as good.
Enjoy.
Ben Wyatt.
" Let's play.
- I call ledgerman! - No.