Portlandia (2011) s06e09 Episode Script

Oh.
I am definitely injured.
Ow! You're getting rid of that bike, Lance.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's between me and the bike.
I don't have to go, like, to a morgue and have to identify your body.
Okay, I'll get rid of the bike.
And how did you hit a pothole, anyway? I didn't even see it.
- You didn't see a pothole? - No.
That's the first time that's happened.
I know.
But it was the blue meth.
- And Walter White - This is bullshit! My vision is perfect.
It's 20/20.
- It always has been.
- Lance, just let him do it.
I think people get uncomfortable when they get into the chair, and this is a dentist's chair.
I think that's also part of it.
But we're going to do a very simple test now.
It's much like a test you'd take in school.
It helps me determine what your eyesight is.
What I'd like you to do is cover one eye, and tell me what letter you see at the top.
E.
It's easy.
That's great.
That's good, Lance.
- Mm-hmm.
- That one is easy.
Let's go to the second line.
- An F.
- And then? - P.
- Oh.
- Great.
- You got that one correct.
Yeah, exactly.
Let's go.
You want to get out of here? Well, wait, let's go to a little bit of a harder one.
What I like to do is, I like to take people down to just around the sixth line there.
The the smaller.
E D Um - Hangman? - It's a letter.
That was your clue.
Uh, a nose ring? Well, none of those were right, so what I'm gonna suggest is that we put you in a pair of glasses.
Uh oh! - No way! - I'd like you to see Sharon.
We're gonna put you in a pair of frames.
I think it's gonna get you excited about the process.
I'm not excited about the process.
- Nina, if you Hey! - I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! - You wear glasses! - I'm not doing this.
Thanks for being patient with him.
I'm sorry, he just just gets that way.
I love my work, and I had an amazing summer.
I have nothing to complain about.
My children are healthy, thank God.
- Mm-hmm.
- And and do I come across patients sometimes that challenge me? Sure.
But that's what makes it all worth it, is that, you know, there's all kinds of patients.
No.
Nope.
Eh, you look like a keyboard player or something.
No, I just look like a big dork.
No, that's really good.
You look like a handsome dork.
I don't want to be a dork at all, though.
Oh, no, you're wrong.
Those glasses look fantastic.
Thanks for your opinion, sir, but, uh, - I clearly look like a nerd.
- Hardly.
No, those those suit you quite well.
- See? - Yeah.
If you don't have a problem with resembling a young Marcello Mastroianni.
- Honestly.
- Aw, come on.
- Who's that? - He's an actor.
He's in a lot of Fellini movies.
- "8 1/2" - "La Dolce Vida" Honestly, you should get those.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's a little disjointed.
with my, uh, you know, biker thing.
Listen, I get it, okay? I was a biker too.
You? Oh.
Yeah, you can still be a biker on the inside, and cut up people for a living.
- What's your name? - Oh, I apologize, Jarvis.
- Oh, okay.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh, hey.
I'm Lance.
These glasses are essential.
They're a jumping-off point to the next stage in your life.
I can show you.
Can I borrow him for Six hours? All right, I mean, guys will be guys, so All right, I'll see you later.
I think Davidson is overlooked.
Yeah.
That scene where the stroller is falling.
De Palma did the same thing in "Untouchables.
" Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Nina, Jarvis and I just went to the Portland Art Museum.
We saw this image in the Cunningham photography exhibit, and he said it was better than the Eggleston exhibit he'd seen in New York! - Ooh! - Oh, and guess what? He invited us to a dinner party at his house this weekend.
And, like, do we bring food, or is he gonna have food? Ah, he said not to bring anything.
It's all free? - Yeah.
- Ooh, free dinner.
- It's delicious, darling.
- Thank you.
And what's the marinade that you used this time? - It was grapeseed oil.
- Mm.
I was trying something different today.
- Hmm, I can taste it.
- Mm-hmm.
Lance, you enjoying the quinoa? Yeah, I really like it with the, uh the zucchini.
- Mm, delicious.
- Yeah.
I thought you didn't like zucchini.
- I I do like zucchini.
- You do? This one time, we were over at the at the pier, and he took off the zucchini off of the sandwich, and when I tried to throw it at those pigeons then they they couldn't lift it because it was too big, so they were, like, fighting over it, and they were like all their wings were, like, waving around.
Oh, no Oh, it was pickles.
- Right? - Yeah.
So, yeah, we had pickles.
That was when we went to the amusement park.
I barfed.
Hmm.
Anybody join the wait list to, uh To get the new Tesla battery? I saw that.
I was, uh I was thinking about it.
I know I'm excited.
The batteries I like are the, um The little square ones? The rectangle ones? - Nine volts? - Nine volts.
Yeah, if you put 'em all on top of a shelf, you can they can look Look like a little wall of teeth.
In high school, me and my friends, Sissy and Marie, we used to have battery fights where we'd throw batteries at each other, and then, I thought I had a black eye, and I looked in the mirror, and it was like it was, like, blue, and you know what it was? It was Magic Marker.
One of them threw a Magic Marker at me.
And it drew on your eye? I think what happened is, when it hit my face, the cap just fell off.
Are you, uh, done with your story? Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I had wine.
You know what I'd love to do? I would love to toast our lovely host this evening.
- Please, allow me.
- Thank you.
To new friends, and to old.
Let us move forward.
Let us be bold, for the future belongs to those of us who break the mold.
- That's beautiful.
- That's beautiful.
I didn't get you.
I didn't get you.
I'm sorry, uh we didn't make eye contact, Nina.
What? It's bad luck if you don't look the person in the eye.
So say the French.
I don't want to have bad luck.
Okay.
- No.
- Wait, what's the There's a black cat, then there's going underneath the Wait, what did you tell me? It's a black cat, going under a ladder What's the other one? Lance? Lance? That was so fun.
Their house is so big, and I feel like I didn't even see all the rooms yet.
There's probably all these other rooms upstairs.
Maybe when we go back they can give us a tour of the whole place.
- It was so nice.
- Do you hear yourself? - What do you mean? - We've never been in these people's house, and all you did was tell these asinine stories that had no beginnings and no ends.
They were just the middle the entire time.
It was so embarrassing.
I don't even know what you were talking about.
Pigeons and pickles! I mean You don't understand the story? You remember we were by the pier, and we were trying to eat those sandwiches, and then there was well, I guess I was Please stop talking.
You know, sometimes if you just shut up for one second, you would actually understand more about the world.
You talk so much that things don't even get into your head.
It just I really want to be friends with these people, and I just want you to not ruin it for me, please! Don't ruin this for me! Okay.
I I mean, you get this, right? Yeah, I get it.
You made your point.
I won't embarrass you anymore.
You got it.
Checkmate! Well-played.
Hmm! - Hi.
- Oh! Um, hi.
Do you, um, want to play? - What is it? - Uh, this is chess, one of the greatest board games of of all of our time.
It's a game of strategy and guile, and basically, the goal is to take down the other person's king.
- So that's the king? - Yes.
You're trying to protect him.
- And what's that? - That is the queen.
- And what's that? - That is a bishop.
And what are all those? - These? - Yeah.
Trees, leaves, branches made of wood.
What's the temperature of the sun? Uh, 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.
- And, like, what's all this? - This? - Yeah.
- Um, grass? - You're pretty smart, huh? - Yes, I am.
I'm on my sixth grade chess team, the debate team.
I skipped a grade.
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I'm dumb? Um, do you know this was grass? I I did, but I just wanted to get a sense of, like, how smart you are.
Well, then, no, you're not dumb.
I don't think so, at least.
Well, what would you think about maybe being my tutor? Um, I haven't really tutored anyone before.
I've always wanted to, but um Who who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Nina.
Nice to meet you.
Okay.
- Matthew.
- Matthew.
Now where do you want to start? If you really want to impress someone, improper fractions is what to do.
- So this is Wolfgang Mozart.
- Oh.
Scientists don't know how, but the dinosaurs died From a meteor, a flood nobody knows, so they're all dead.
But then, that started the Revolutionary War.
Is that the war where they said "The British are coming"? - Yes.
- And were the British coming? - Yes.
- Where were they going? To take back America and kill.
- Did they? - Yes, lives were lost.
"Hello, I am Benjamin Franklin.
"Back then, there was really no electricity.
- "Then one " Oh.
- Matthew! Dinner! - It's dinner time.
- Oh, I guess I should go.
No, no, wait, wait, wait! Would you, um, like to stay for dinner? And I figure once I do that I can get my GED and then Lance will be impressed with how much I know and with Matthew's help, I think it'll work.
Anyone who's trying to better themselves is okay by me.
- Well, thank you.
- And you will get your GED.
- I know you will.
- Oh, fingers crossed.
You know what you should do? Throw a dinner party of your own.
- A dinner party.
- Yeah.
You can show off all your smarts.
So I can, like, bring things out and just be like, "Oh, hi, do you remember what Truman said?" And Lance is gonna be so impressed.
I can't thank you enough.
And you've got to give me these recipes, and I even I can't even believe, like, all these things that you made.
Well, you ate a lot of it.
Yeah, I did.
I burped a lot too.
I'm known as the Queen of the Burps.
Hmm.
- Lance, guess what? - Huh? Tonight, we're having a dinner party.
- No, we're not.
- I invited all your friends.
Jarvis is coming.
Jenna's coming.
You're already embarrassing me a little bit.
Cocktails are at 7:30, and dinner starts promptly at 8:00.
- Don't be late.
- Okay.
"Hearts of " Heart? Hey, um, Nina? I just thought I wanted to give you something before I went.
Matthew, that's so nice.
You didn't have to do that.
You've been working so hard, I thought you deserved something.
What is this? It's a dictionary, basically every single word in the English language.
It's got every single word.
Like, uh, "cabinet," or "Carmine.
Red or purplish-red.
" Matthew, this is so thoughtful of you.
You're the nicest ever.
Yeah, I thought this could help you with the dinner party.
They probably know some big words.
Now you can show them some big words too.
Good luck with the dinner party, by the way.
All right.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Okay, everyone.
That concludes our cocktail hour.
Please join me in the dining room for dinner.
- Nina? - Bring your drinks.
Magnificent.
We are in the provenance of a delightful meal.
Indeed.
Well, I've been reading a whole lot.
A lot of books on my nightstand.
- That's great, Nina.
- Terrific.
What have you been reading? - "Where the Red Fern Grows.
" - Mmm.
Cried throughout that whole thing.
I was really crying.
I'm in the middle of, um, "A Wrinkle In Time.
" "A Wrinkle In Time" I think I read that in sixth grade.
- Yeah, yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
Yeah, uh, Madeline L'Engle, right? - That's right.
- She was a real peacenik.
Yeah, a lot of people don't realize how substantial her ouvre is.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
Well, her her what? - Her ouvre.
- Right.
Hey, I'm gonna get some pepper for the caesar salad.
Such a substantial body of work.
- Oh, Madeline L'Engle.
- Yeah.
Nina, the salad is wonderful.
It's so verdant.
- Mmm.
- What what what is it? It's delicious and verdant.
Oh, verdant, yeah.
Um, anyone want wine? Oh, sh oh! Ow! - Okay, Nina? - Yes.
Yes, I agree, because that's green, and this is green, and this is green and this is green, which mean "verdant.
" While you were out, I was talking about millennials, and I don't hate them, I just wonder if every generation seems to be more solipsistic than the next one.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
- What do you think of that? Well, the solipsistic, it's like they're You know, they're with their sisters.
You're saying that people who are solipsistic are with their sisters? Yeah, at least the "sist.
" If they're solemn, you know they're they're they're If they solemnly swear to uphold the laws of the land Do you not know the meaning of the word? - "Sol" is like salt.
" - No.
- Millennials are solipsistic.
- I know millennials are.
Well, I'm not saying that they're salty.
It's all right if you don't know what the meaning of the word is.
I understand it's a it's a rather abstruse term.
Oh, come on! Every word is just more difficult than the next one.
Why does dinner have to be a crossword puzzle? That I'll never get? - Nina, I apologize - No, I apologize.
I didn't finish high school.
I didn't go to college.
I'm sorry I'm not like you.
And I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm trying my best not to embarrass you.
You know how far I got on that book that I was telling you about? Page two.
And that was hard for me.
I've been studying and cramming, and like I'm trying to remember fractions and, like, the capitals of every state, and, uh, it's just impossible! Dessert's in the kitchen if you want that.
Okay, there's a word I know, "dessert.
" Two syllables.
'Night, Lance.
- I apologize.
- No, I'm sorry, I don't I don't I don't know what she's talking about, these Numbers and state capitals? She's, like, studying? Ah, is it possible she's having an affair? Matthew! Wake up! Even though it was kind of a mess, I mean, you would think that, like, Lance would appreciate it.
Just say, like, "Oh, Nina, you really tried your best.
" Or like, "Wow, you're making an effort.
" Well - Do you like dancing? - Yeah, I like dancing a lot.
- What kind of dancing? - You know, this.
Like, this kind of thing, and I like, this, um sometimes that kind of dance move.
- Kind of like sock hop? - Yeah, yeah! Like the kind that would be at a sock hop, yeah.
That's ironic, because my middle school ball has a sock hop theme, so that's kind of cool.
I don't really want to go, but everyone's going and I don't want to be left alone, so maybe you can just come with me, and we can talk, something like that.
Are you gonna ask me to your dance? Yes.
Maybe.
Uh, yeah, maybe.
Matthew, if you're gonna ask a girl to a dance, you've got to do it the right way.
Nina, will you go to my sixth grade ball with me? Matthew, I would love to go.
Sweet.
Oh, good.
Hey, Nina, could we talk? Uh, okay.
Uh, what is going on? You just seem you've been weird.
The dinner party was weird.
Uh, seemed fine to me.
I really liked it.
It was really delicious, wasn't it? Yeah, but you stormed out of the party.
Oh, I did? Okay, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Are you putting lipstick on? Where are you going? Um, just to look at some of the buildings and stuff.
Okay, that doesn't make any sense.
I'll be back in a couple hours, so we can talk then, okay, Lance? - Bye.
- Bye.
Sock hop? - You want to dance? - Uh, yeah, um Maybe we could stay here.
- This is fun.
- Oh, Matthew.
Thanks for inviting me to this.
- Hey, no problem.
- Want to get me some punch? Sure.
Nina! What are you doing here? I'm just hanging out with Matthew.
- Who's Matthew? - He's my friend.
I mean, you're hanging out with Jarvis all the time, so I have a friend too.
Oh, thanks.
Is that punch? Lance, I'd like to introduce you to Matthew.
- Matthew, this is Lance.
- Matthew.
- I'm Lance.
- Matthew.
Nice grip.
- What is he, 11? - I'm 12, actually.
Oh, he's pretty smart.
He knows a lot.
I skipped a grade.
I'm on my sixth grade chess team, and the debate team.
Come on, Nina.
I get the point, okay? Let's get out of here.
I think I'm happy here.
Tonight, Nina is my date, so you'd better go home before things get ugly.
What if I don't want to go home? I'll curl up these five fingers, and give you a knuckle sandwich.
Go on.
Aah, that's my kidney! They're fighting over me.
They're fighting over me.
Uncle? Uncle! This isn't over! What's everybody looking at? Just dance.
Hey! What are you doing, Matthew? I'm a married woman! S-sorry! - Hey, baby.
- Hi.
- These are beautiful.
- Where's Matthew? - He had a piano lesson.
- I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I've been a jerk.
You know, I kind of got mixed up with a bad crowd.
I mean, I like those people, but I love you.
You're smart and you're beautiful and most importantly, you're kind.
You don't have to go take a GED test for me.
Well, I kind of did it for me.
What do you say we get out of here? Yeah, that sounds good.
- You hungry? - I'm starving.
- I'm starving.
- Want to chow you down.
I want to tear you open like a bag of chips.
Make you into a blender and put you in a smoothie.
Let's go.
All right, smarty pants.
Who's the 16th president of the United States? There were 16 presidents? I'd like to get you on this chair.
Doctor.
- No, I don't mean it that way.
- Oh.
I mean so I can look down your top.
- Doctor! - No, I don't mean it that way.
I mean, so I can see your nipples.
- Doctor! - No, I don't mean it that way.
No, I mean it in the medical way.