Rick and Morty (2013) s06e09 Episode Script

1
♪
Why are we waiting in line for food?
It's a pop-up. It's a rare,
pop-up restaurant thing
that only enters our
solar system Rick.
MORTY: You're gonna spoil your appetite.
That's a weird way to say
I'm gonna stop being hungry
by eating food, but whatever.
Three crispy, uh, four wiggling.
You're probably not even hungry.
You just don't like lines
because they aren't about you.
Another weirdly aggressive way
to describe a friend
respecting themselves.
- Eugh!
- HELIOS: What a wonderful thing to say!
Ha ha! I was merely inspired by
the wonderful thing you said!
Sirs? Guys? You dropped this.
Please, take it as a reward.
So courteous!
How nice it will be for you to eat
what you were willing to stand
in line for so much sooner.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I came to stand in line and then eat.
I-I wouldn't wanna do it differently.
BOTH: Hmm
Dear fellow, I choose this moment
to surrender my sword so
that you may succeed me
as the newest Knight of the Sun.
What? No. I-I-I didn't
even want your sandwich.
I don't want your sword.
Oh, believe me, son. You want it.
I don't understand.
You're knights? With a "K"?
Of the Sun with a "U" or or an "O"?
Your alphabet is of no concern here.
We are sworn defenders of Helios,
the center of this system.
Okay, so it's "Sun" with a "U."
RICK: Oh, God. Morty,
don't take the sword.
Oh, I'm shocked you're
against something, Rick.
- You know these guys?
- I know how they're dressed
and how boring this sounds.
You take that sword,
you're gonna get sucked
into a whole complicated
Oh, shit!
- Come on, take it.
- Uh
I mean, if that kid's not
gonna take the sword
He didn't offer it to you.
Sorry. Can I just ask some stuff?
W-What does a Knight of the Sun do?
He takes the sword, for one thing.
You know what? Maybe
you made a bad call.
- He He doesn't want the sword.
- I didn't say that.
Well, you sure aren't taking it.
Would you just take a random
Obviously I would, yes! And I did!
Best decision of my life!
And you're shitting on it!
Excuse me? Is this just a free sword?
- KNIGHTS: No!
- I'm taking the sword.
Thank you, Dawnling. What is your name?
- Morty.
- Now it is Sir Mortaniel.
I made it a little knightier.
Good day.
Wait, did he just
God damn it, Morty! You took the sword?
- So boring!
- Oh, like you're not at this point?
You drunk cranky fuck!
Ouch.
You guys still gonna stand in line?
Y-You're not gonna take this food?
The pop-up pays us to stand here.
- To drive up business.
- Knew it.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Everyone! Sir Helios'
successor, Sir Mortaniel!
TOGETHER: Sir Mortaniel,
face so bright ♪
Serves the Sun with
strength and might ♪
Sir Mortaniel, come and see ♪
Just what the Sun provides for thee ♪
Wow, my my own song!
Now you know why Sir Helios
had to change your name
to something with three syllables.
Welcome, Dawnling, to the Sun!
So it is the Sun, like Earth's sun?
Ah-ha, he's heard of us!
How come I'm not, like,
burning to a crisp?
You are currently
protected by our powers,
but soon they will be yours.
Our flesh is indestructible!
Our lives are never-ending,
but not even in the dumb vampire way
where after a while you
hate it and you can't die.
We can die whenever we want.
We just don't have to.
But you're not allowed to leave, right?
L-Like, I'll I'll I'll never
see my family again?
We leave constantly!
I met you on an asteroid.
Oh, yeah. Between us,
that wasn't a deal breaker,
but it's even better
that there's options.
You'll have more freedom
than you've ever known.
Our king.
The Sun is the center
of the solar system.
It is the home of the solar Scepter,
around which all worlds revolve.
The men who keep it safe are
admired by all and live as gods.
- Any more questions?
- Uh, yeah, where do I sign?
- Huzzah.
- [LAUGHTER]
Well, that does it.
Off to the parapet to
make this official.
Yeah, let's do this.
Now just cut off your penises
and throw them into the Sun.
Oooooooookey-dokey.
I see Mortaniel wants to go first.
Uh, not true.
Do I just leave the sword wherever?
- I-Is there a sword bin?
- What are you saying?
- You don't want to cut off
- Listen, guys, c-can we not
It's a terrific and painful
sacrifice we all make
for the most important and
powerful job in the universe.
We've done it since the dawn of dawns.
Yep. There it is in stained glass.
It's official. A-And I'm not judging it.
And I'm not doing it.
People really live here? This is nuts.
- I thought it was a metaphor.
- We have to go.
Ah. Boy. They're not
messing around, huh?
How are you not burning?
Oh, it's just science, which,
unless I'm misinterpreting,
is clearly not a priority here.
Okay, c'mon, lil' June bug.
I-I won't rub your face in this one.
I-I'm guessing you're
feeling pretty stupid.
Yes. Thank you.
Sir Helios gave his
life with that sword.
Mortaniel took it.
He cannot leave unless
he bests me in combat.
Hmm. Okay, uh, one sec.
I'm guessing these guys are,
like, pseudo-immortalish
since they live on the Sun,
so playing by their rules
might be the fastest way out of this.
J-Just best him in combat.
- What?
- Here.
This sword uses A.I. to learn
from an opponent's attacks.
So I have to get attacked first?
No, no, no, the sword
has already seen "Blade."
And loved it. You'll be fine.
[KNIGHTS GASP, MURMURING]
- By golly!
- Ooh! Crikey!
♪
Okay, so we're done here.
No. We're not done.
I am done.
You are now king of the Sun.
Protect the Scepter always.
No, no, no, no, I don't want to!
[GASPS]
Well, how is that supposed to work?
He's king, but he was
never even a knight.
- I mean, that's stupid.
- Uh, it's it's definitely a Sun first.
- A king with a penis?
- Well, what do you want from me?!
TOGETHER: All hail King Mortaniel!
Uhhhhh, as your king,
I hereby declare a vacation, for me.
I'll come visit you guys,
on, like, Sun Day
Sundays.
If I forget, just wait a week.
Keep doing that, keep the crown. Peace.
Hell yeah. See? That's from
when he's fighting Deacon Frost.
I don't know. Um,
I-I thought it was cool.
Okay. So
So? Oh. So, you dragged
me to a fake restaurant,
yelled at me for not
doing what you wanted,
then did something I told you not to,
and it almost cost you your
pud, but I saved your life,
and now you're waiting for me to
make you feel like shit about it.
That's Yeah, you nailed it.
Morty, I'm sorry I let your
opinion of me get this low.
- All right, I get it.
- There's nothing to get.
I'm for real. Look, I'm a
drunk, I'm a psychopath,
I'm a murderer, but
- when you called me boring
- I shouldn't have.
I needed to hear it.
And you took the stupid sword,
and I was like, "Holy crap,
this is who I am to this kid?
He just does the opposite
of my advice now.
I mean, I-I gotta fix that."
So I'm gonna be, like, 22%
more agreeable with you
for, like, maybe one episode,
or one adventure.
- We'll see how it goes.
- Is 22% a lot?
Well, I-I'm not gonna tell you
what percentage of our time
together I'm usually mean to you
because it'll hurt your stupid feelings,
but 22% is substantial.
You're gonna feel the difference.
Okay. I mean, I-I appreciate it.
You should, because you made
a real mess with these guys.
- Oh, man!
- Sire.
- You can't leave.
- Go away!
My king, it is our duty to follow you
till the sun sets on our watch.
I mean, it set yesterday,
so you're done. Bye.
Sire, the sun never sets on the Sun.
Can you get rid of them?
You want me to
Well You guys know
he can kill you, right?
I think he'd find that
quite difficult, sire,
but if it pleases you.
Can't I just tell you it pleases
me for you to go away?
No. Not really.
So you'd rather die than leave me alone?
TOGETHER: Yes.
A pheasant plucked for my good king ♪
A merry jig, sweet songbirds sing ♪
[LAUGHTER]
These guys live on our sun?
I've never heard of them.
I don't see them doing a lot
to earn interplanetary fame.
I beg your pardon, wizard.
The Knights of the Sun
protect the solar Scepter
around which even this world turns.
BETH: You do mean that,
like, symbolically, right?
Oh, quite literally.
The Scepter is the center
of the solar system.
All planets orbit it.
We keep it on the Sun
so that Jupiter and Saturn
don't bump into each other.
[LAUGHTER]
- Omigod.
- They don't even know sixth grade science.
That's it!
-
- Yeah, so there you have it.
Traditions suck ass,
and your most foundational
beliefs are total bullshit.
We're supposed to take your word for it?
Anyone can draw circles on
a board and spout numbers.
Yes, this sounds like
a fun theory, sire,
but it would take more than
this for us to give up
Okay, so how do you guys
think it works again?
- Well, the Scepter
- Oh, you mean this old thing?
- TOGETHER: Gaaah!
- You want it?
Here. Take it back home.
It's a symbol. It's your culture.
That's not the same as reality.
Does this mean we cut off our penises
for absolutely no reason?
That's the bad news.
The good news is, you're free.
- Ooh, that stings.
- Fuck this knights shit.
- [GRUNTS]
- A query?
I just used your "computer
phone" to search "despair."
- Where can I get this heroin?
- I'm not telling you that.
No matter. I'm seeing from
most of your song lyrics
that I can get it anywhere.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Um, you guys, someone just used
critical thinking and basic physics
to destroy their first entire religion.
- Nice.
- Good job, Morty.
- So no more sun-tourage?
- Yep. All done.
Plus, Rick and I both learned
to support each other better.
So that's it. We're done.
- Feels early, but w-we're done.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
What's happening?
Appliances are breaking
that I haven't touched.
Maybe the sun is celebrating?
Ha ha ha ha! The Sons of the
Moon are storming the walkway.
Doesn't matter.
Their aggression will be kept in check
by a host of interplanetary
treaties and alliances.
It's very complicated,
but as long as The Knights
of the Sun stand together,
the solar system will always have
complete political stability.
Where are the Knights
of the Sun, by the way?
I'm done pooping.
Hmm?
Did the, uh, Knights
of the Sun disband?
While I was pooping?
Sunnnn-kward.
How many planets in our solar
system have these clowns?
I guess if the sun can support
life, any planet can.
I mean, maybe we all descended
from a common ancestor.
Haven't you seen, like,
all of the universes?
Exactly. So why would
I hang out on Pluto?
- That's some Jerry-league shit.
- [INDISTINCT ARGUING]
LITHDOR: If the Sons of the
Moon can attack the sun,
why should the Viscounts
of Venus continue sitting
- in Saturn's shadow?
- How's this for a reason?
We got all the rings and all the balls.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Really?
If the Saturno Venusian
détente is no longer honored,
I declare you all moons of Jupiter.
Because that's what you are
to us! A bunch of moons!
Do the Knights of the Sun plan to
protect Mercury from this chaos?
Because if we're on our own,
there's a new, very tiny sun in town.
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING,
INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- [SHOUTING STOPS]
- It's all you, pal.
Um, hello?
Don't I have, like, authority over
this Sons of the Moon meeting?
That all depends. Who the hell are you?
This guy's the king of the Sun.
- Holy shit.
- When did this happen?
Ha! Then tell your knights
to do their jobs.
Yes, Your Majesty.
We all know the Sun's power lives
and dies with your knights.
- Who are you?
- Who am Who
I am the Marquis of Mars!
And I declare war on all of you!
War on all of you!
Where are the Knights of the
Sun when we need them most?
Funny you should ask, uh
- They're gone!
- [ALL GASP]
They've abandoned their duties.
I see it in the bones.
Damn, the bones nailed it.
Okay, so you have space
ships and magic ladies?
Look, I'm not gonna read all the books.
What will it take to let this Sons
of the Moon fiasco resolve itself?
Excuse me. How did you
become king of the Sun?
You look like an Earthling.
- Santa?
- Santa?
What the hell is that?
I'm the Earl of Earth, god damn it.
I agree with Earth on one thing
Venus questions the legitimacy
of this king's authority.
- My people say I say aye.
- [INDISTINCT ARGUING]
I'm the king.
- I've got the Scepter right here.
- MARQUIS OF MARS: What the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, I know you're freaking out
because it's not on the sun.
No, because whoever has
it rules the solar system!
It's up for grabs! Get it!
EARL OF EARTH: After it!
Ahhhh!
Yes, yes. I have the Scepter.
Soon Jupiter will be the center
of our solar system's newest dark ages.
Fuck that. Mercury will now
be the shining beacon of
Time to throw it all against the wall.
I think you crushed it.
I mean, not just anybody
can start Solar War One.
- Stop supporting me.
- Can do.
Goodbye, blue sky ♪
Goodbye, blue sky ♪
Goodbye ♪
-
- Goodbye ♪
Did, did, did, did you
see the frightened ones? ♪
Did, did, did, did you
hear the falling bombs?
Did, did, did, did
you ever wonder why ♪
We had to run for shelter ♪
When the promise of
a brave new world ♪
-
- Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky? ♪
-
- Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[ALL SHOUTING]
Did, did, did, did you
see the frightened ones? ♪
Did, did, did, did you
hear the falling bombs? ♪
The flames are all long gone,
but the pain lingers on ♪
Goodbye, blue sky ♪
Goodbye, blue sky ♪
Goodbye ♪
[EXPLOSION]
Goodbye ♪
♪
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Damn, who would have thought
giving the Amish nukes
would threaten the solar system?
Maybe we should just jump universes.
I don't know, buddy.
Feels like we're kind of more about
trying out commitment now, ya know?
Let's put our heads together.
Maybe there's something
we haven't tried yet.
- Oh, here's an idea. Fuck you!
- Hey!
Rick, I can't take it.
I admit I'm wrong, I screwed up.
You're killing me here
yes-and'ing me to death.
What is this, "Vat of Acid" again?
Look, man, I'm sorry I've
been such a dick in the past
that you think I'm doing a thing here.
I'm honestly just trying
to do better by you.
Are you a robot?
- Morty!
- A clone?
Morty, this family's got enough
clones and robots in it.
Come on, Morty, stop
asking what you're asking
and let's just get back to our crisis.
I'm sorry. It's just been a
hard road with you, Rick.
Morty, I get that, but you can trust me
when I say I'm just trying
to do right by you.
Okay, Rick. You're right. Maybe
maybe I just need to
round up some Knights.
If I disillusioned the old ones,
I'll just have to re-illusion them.
It shouldn't be that hard, right?
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Cousins, we need to return
to the walkway at once.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you laughing?
Did I say something funny?
Oh, Mortaniel.
The only person we bend
the knee to these days
is that sweet Black Betty.
Yeah, man, all hail Mr. Brownstone.
And his doctor. Feelgood, that is.
They're talking about heroin,
Morty. They like it.
- Obviously.
- Obviously?!
Apparently living on the Sun
has turned our veins into
triple-bonded carbon,
so try this tale on
for size, Mortaniel
we can't OD!
C'mon, you guys are a mess.
Well, they actually seem
kinda awesome, Morty.
Lemme be your king.
I admit, I wanted what you once had
brotherhood, tradition,
stability, purpose.
I just didn't want to
cut my dick off for it.
PHOSPHORANT: Yeah, that's the point.
We were quick to follow this boy before,
without even forcing him to
commit to our traditions.
And all he did was break
our faith and our walkway.
And now this random
fucking guy is here again
to tell us what to do?
No fucking way!
What if I cut off my dick?
But you'd be cutting
it off for no reason.
Yeah, that's the point of tradition
doing things for no reason,
but it'd be reason enough
doing it for you guys.
FAIRENHEAT: Well, you do that,
that would compete with heroin.
Cool, cool. Can I maybe get a minute?
[CRYING]
Buddy, what's up?
Reaching some sad conclusions
about your situation?
Yes, but that walkway
needs those knights,
those knights need a king,
and that king needs no dick.
Damn, Morty, you really are stepping up.
Now do you want me to help you
not have to cut your dick off, though?
- Yes, please.
- Then I got you.
Uh, you really mean it, Rick?
Of course, buddy.
I'll give you a fake dick
with three layers of fail-safes.
- They'll never know the difference.
- [SOBS]
Shh, Morty. We're gonna make
your dick so fake, buddy.
♪
The signal! Sir, the Knights
of the Sun are once more.
Hold fire. If this return
to the Old Ways is true,
I'd be willing to return home
and put an end to the bloodshed.
[GROUP CHEERING]
♪
♪
Sir? Shall we hold off on the
antimatter hydrogen bombing?
[CHUCKLES] Those crusty knights
won't do the Sun much good
without their Hoo!
Let's hear them out.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor,
personally oversee the
stumping of thy king's stem.
If his stem burns true,
peace will be restored
between the spheres.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yay!
Present the Shears of Stumping!
- Morty the Brave!
- You got this, my king!
♪
First things first.
Step through this machine
which checks for nanotechnological
hologram dicks.
- What?!
- War opened our eyes
to the wonders of new technologies.
Please, step through, my liege.
♪
- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- Whew!
Sorry, my lord,
but we're gonna need you to step
through this second machine,
which checks for emergency clone dicks.
Oh, wow, you guys really embraced
a lot of specific new tech, huh?
- Whoa, a sunspot!
- What? Where?
[CROWD GASPING]
Boy, is is that a third
detector I see, as well?
You'll find out after the second one.
We don't like to reveal them
until the previous detecting
threshold has been crossed.
Right.
The third detector is going
to scan for a prosthetic dick.
- Oh. Ha ha. Good.
- Okay, well, go on through,
and, of course, by "prosthetic"
we mean witchcraft dick.
- Shit.
- Fuck!
I sense one.
The bones say he's still packin'.
[CROWD GASPS]
Ha ha, can't get nothin'
past the chicken bone lady.
J-Just testing her.
Stump. Thy. Stem.
RICK: [THINKING] Morty?
Morty, don't answer out loud.
Can you hear me? It's Rick.
I'm talking to you with my mind.
- Yeah, I can hear you.
- You said that out loud.
- Don't speak.
- Sorry. [THINKING] Sorry.
I uplinked a telepathic nano satellite
so we could hear each other's thoughts.
Carefully do everything I tell you
in the exact order I tell you to do it.
- Okay.
- Grab the scissors.
Okay. Got the scissors.
Now run!
- Oh, shit, shit!
- Guards, seize them!
MORTY: [THINKING] Run?
You couldn't have just said that?!
You don't have to use telepathy anymore.
You can just ask your
rhetorical questions out loud.
I don't understand, Rick.
Here's something that's easy
to understand, buddy
I'm proud of you for trying
to solve your own shit.
Ugh, I didn't want to have to do this.
It's okay this time.
We don't have any choice.
- I love you, Rick.
- Love you, too, buddy.
♪
BOTH: Whoooooaaa!
FAIRENHEAT: And that's
when King Morty and Rick
were left with no choice
but to leap into the Sun.
Such shame he felt for what
he'd done to our society,
sacrificing his dick wasn't enough
He gave his entire body and
wizard servant, as well.
And after a while, their sun-proof
bones floated up to the top.
We even checked with a royal
ladle to ensure it was real sun,
not just them hiding beneath
in a vat of fake sun.
Such a violent death.
And finally when our grief
could bear no more,
we decided to abolish our
medieval act of stem stumping.
And we have King Morty the
Molten to thank for that.
BOTH: Morty the Molten!
King Morty the Molten!
See, Morty? Worked like a charm.
Aren't we risking it
all coming back here?
Morty, we had to know. Plus the heat
- It's good for my joints.
- King Mortaniel?!
You're alive?!
Yeah, go tell everybody.
Your reward's gonna be
cutting off your own dick.
Right. Point taken.
R.I.P. and cheerio.
Whew!
♪
♪
♪
♪
One crispy, one wriggling.
Coming right up. Three loozums.
- How 'bout ten years? In jail.
- Huh?
Special Agent Mongo Bongo.
You're under arrest for
illegal hot dog trafficking.
[PANTING]
Oh!
[HOT DOGS CRYING]
♪
[HOT DOGS CRYING]
Be free, my little babies. Ahh!
Huh.
Surprised they actually made it.
Kinda thought maybe some
birds would swoop down
Aaahhhhh! Aah!
I jinxed it. Aah!
Did you get any of that?
♪