That '70s Show s06e09 Episode Script

Hey, check it out guys, it's sergeant Crossin Guard.
Rough day at the crosswalk sarge? I'm not a crossing guard, Hyde.
I'm a police officer in training.
Read the badge.
You mean your paper name tag? No, I mean my badge.
This civilazes all the autority in the Point Place police department.
Oh, how'd it get ripped? Hey, your first case.
Get this tomarrow I get to go on a ride along in a real police car.
I can see all the crimes that happens.
Yeah, this town is a hot pit for a criminal activity.
Hey lets not forget the great ten speed robery of '74.
Yeah or that criminal mastermind who stole my moms carton gnome.
Guys I have very exciting news.
I'm in a mentor program for little girls, kinda of like a big sister thing.
And there's someone here who is very anxious to meet you.
Come here.
Isn't she cute? I call her Little Jackie.
For the last freaking time, my name is Colette.
Try to like her, she's just a little mouthy.
Jackie, why would you be a big sister? Oh, it's a community service project foe school.
It was either this or helping out at the senior center.
And you know how grey hair gives me nightmares.
Can I leave now? There's nothing to do.
Here.
Take theese pictures of me and put them in order of cuteness.
From "very cute" to "it's just not fair she's so cute".
Lame, lamer, lamest.
I like her.
Yeah, me too.
- She's feisty.
Nice name tag.
Are you a garbage man? It's a badge! Get away from me.
- I bet that's the first time you told that to a man.
Don't you walk out that door! What the hell was that all about? - Oh, they've been fighting like that all morning.
Sometimes he even yells at her in his native language.
I belive the main idea is, she gets around.
Ahh, to be young and trapped in a lovely scheme of a marriage.
Kitty, where's the coffee? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I almost forgot.
Since no one fixed my sink yet, today instead of coffee we're having pipe sludge.
You know the doctor told me not to do household chores.
It's either a working sink or a dead husband, it's your choice.
Well Red somebody's gotta do something around here, the garage needs to be painted, the lawn mower won't start and I'm getting tired of running to the hose everytime I need bourbon and water.
Fine, fine we'll let Eric do it.
Maybe if I supervise him he'll only screw up half as much.
Yeah, thanks dad, you know what i got it.
Yeah, this from the kid who gets sweaty when he needs to change out toilet paper.
Don't you walk back in to that house! Officer Kennedy, I want you to know even though it's my first ride along I'm not afraid to kill a man.
I just don't want to touch him after he's dead.
- Shut it cadet.
Here take care of the radio.
Oh cool, we each get our own walkie talkies.
I'd like a pepperoni pizza.
Adress: Holland Assdown Central.
Hey, hey if you wanna play games, go join the highway patrol.
Unit 10, we've got a 415 in progress.
- Cool.
What's a 415? Why don't you look in your manual.
A kenin deficating on a private property.
Oh cool, it's a dog crapping on a lawn.
Gun it.
A 415 is a domestic disturbance you chowderhead.
Dammit, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs.
I want you out.
Out I say - It's my house.
Oh really ,because you didn't sleep here last night.
Or the night before that.
Or the night before that.
To be fair Fez, her army buddies only got a 3 day pass.
Listen to me - Quiet down, the neighbours are staring.
Don't mind us.
Just practising for a show Take a bow and get in the house.
Wow, it's a 50.
I need to go hide my stash of comic books.
I'm a comic book paraphernalian.
What seems to be the problem here? Put that down.
- Put that down.
No, put that down.
- Put what down? What seems to be the problem here? - I'll tell you what the problem is.
I am married to a whore.
I am not a whore.
I'm just a girl who likes a good time.
I'm sorry.
I can't imagine who would've called the police.
It's about time you showed up.
These two are making so much noise I couldn't enjoyed my programme.
Bob, you really had to call the police? Sorry Kitty, but how am I suposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes? Okay.
Well, this kid seems to be harmless but since you're training why don't you frisk him anyway.
Oh sure, frisk the foreign guy.
The color of my skin is not a crime.
Why do you have a frog in your pocket? It's a suprise for the ladies.
Oh, he pied on me, that's resisting arrest.
Well, I'm about to resist arest too.
Hey dad, that was pretty cool how i shut off all the water in the house.
Yeah, you really installed a lot of condfidence, muttering lefty-lucy, righty-tighty the whole time.
Okay, lets get started.
Now this is a wrench.
Dad i think I know what tools are.
- Good.
Then grab the phillips head.
Shoudn't I buy Phillip a drink first? C'mon were just a couple of guys having some fun on a job.
Lighten up.
Get a little, lefty-lucy.
Do you even know what a phillips head screwdriver is? I know it's a screwdriver.
Now.
The water's off.
- Why is the water off? - We're gonna fix the pipes.
But I have to use the bathroom.
- What? I have to use the bathroom! Well go ahead.
But you only get one flush so make it count.
Well I guess I can hold it.
I just hope I don't sneeze.
Would you sit still.
- Jackie, she's not a doll.
Well not a good one anyway.
I don't want a makeover.
You're suppose to be helping me with my homework.
Homework is for ugly girls.
Okay.
Pretty girls get geeky boys to do their homework for them.
Jackie, you're supposed to do fun stuff like go roller-skating.
Not teach her to prostitute herself for geometry notes.
She's cool.
Why can't she be my big sister? See, Donna already has a little sister.
Her name is Eric.
Okay.
Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Under there? But, it's all spidery.
Get under there or you gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass.
I just realized something.
After all the years me helping you fix stuff you finally have to hold flashlight for me.
Lower dumbass.
Alright, I'm in.
I'm just gonna loosen Spider, big one.
Oh my god.
A brillo pad? You were afraid of a brillo pad? It bit me.
Boy, somewhere down the line I failed with you.
You know, I think it was that one day when you were ten and I cought you with those dolls.
They were action figures.
I wanna go to the movies.
Why? You're watching me live my life.
It's better than any movie.
Good afternoon, civilians.
Where's my frog you son of a bitch? Well the good news is I let him loose.
The bad news is he hopped in front of an eighteen wheeler.
He dodged the first wheel, but the last seventeen got him.
Did you show up in a cop car? My training officer let me take the cruiser out for a spin.
Mind if we check it out? - Fine, just don't touch anything.
I'll be in the bathroom taking care of some police business, or as the boys down at the station like to say I'll be taking the 10100.
How'd you like to see a police car? - I already saw one when the police took my daddy to jail.
Alright, you know what, cheer up or you're not getting lunch.
Oh, Donna don't worry, you're getting lunch.
Okay, you know what.
You don't have a clue when it comes deeling with kids.
Well if you think you're so good at it, why don't you give it a shot? Okay, I will.
C'mon, Colette, you've just been upgraded to Little Donna.
You know what.
It is your lose cause I was gonna let you give me a pedicure.
I can't belive they trusted Kelso with a cop car.
I can't belive he left the keys in it.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Burn rubber, little buddy.
You're out of soap in the mens room.
My eagle eye catches everything.
This is so exciting.
What should we do next? Plant some evidence? Bust some prostitutes? Plant some evidence in the bust of some prostitutes? Oh hey, check it out.
Walkie talkie.
Freeze, you're under arrest.
Freeze, you're under arrest.
Freeze, you're under arrest.
Oh yeah, that's the one.
This is officer Michael Kelso.
And I'm not wearing any pants.
Am I supposed to be driving all over the road? Cause I'm loaded .
My car is gone.
Somebody call the police.
Okay that's it.
I can't fix it.
I just, I can't do it.
Oh, what's the problem now? Did the fuzzy dish towel jumped out and attack you? I can belive you said you said you failed with me.
Oh, c'mon that was a joke.
You know like a "priest and a rabin walk in to a bar" or "I've failed with you".
Do you really think that? - No, not completely.
I mean, maybe you're not good at fixing stuff but you stayed behind from school to help the family out.
And that's admirable.
Yeah, yeah it is.
Some might say it's the greatest gift a son can give his father.
No, the greatest gift a son could give his father is a Heisman trophy.
Look, you've tortured yourself enough for one day, lets just pack it up and call the plumer.
No, no.
Look I can fix some things.
Boba Fetts jet pack doesn't just glue itself back on.
You know what, I'm gonna fix lawn mower.
Right now.
No, why would you wanna embarass yourself like that? I mean, I'll be standing there, and you'll be standing there and the mower won't work and I'll say something mean and claim it's a joke.
I'm gonna fix that lawn mower.
I'm gonna fix the hell out of it And when I'm done, you're be able to race that baby at the Indy 500.
Look son, just so you know, the lawn mower is the red thing with wheels on it.
Yeah, well not for long.
More news after this.
You know if a white man has stolen that car it would be all over that news.
Fez, not having every cop in Wisconsin looking for us is probably a good thing.
Shut up, whitey.
Has anyone seen Little Jackie? - No, why? Ahh, never mind.
Oh my god, you lost Little Jackie? No, I didn't loose Little Jackie! We're playing hide and seek, and she's really, relly good.
Oh, so you look for her, but when you play with Fez you let him sit in a closet all day.
I can not belive you Donna, you said I didn't know what I was doing, and look at what you did.
Okay, are you gonna help me find her or not? - Well I'm gonna have to.
I mean this is serious.
If we don't find that little girl, I'm gonna get like half hour detention.
Where is my cop car? You know what, I'm gonna count to three, and before I'm done you better tell me where it is.
One, two two and a half Three.
No, you can't say three.
That's not how it works.
Did my frog know how it worked when he seen that tire coming? His tiny green life flashing before his eyes.
Guys c'mon.
You can't just take somebodies car without asking permission especialy since I kind of took it without asking permission.
What? - You stole it? I was supposed to be watching it while my training officer got a hair cut.
They are gonna have my paper badge for this.
Mom, dad come quick, I fixed it.
I fixed it.
It was like God had control over my hands.
Let me start it for you.
- Eric don't.
I've seen you use a wrench.
If you went lefty-lucy instead of righty- tighty we could all die.
Let me just put this in a garage.
But dad No,no honey, honey your father's right.
It's not safe.
We'll let Bob start it later.
What did you do? Why? Why, why is it always my house? You really wanna now or you wanna just keep yelling? - I wanna keep yelling.
I don't care whos fault it is, just get that thing out of here.
Now! - Yes sir.
Alright everybody show's over.
Let's go in the house.
Dad, the lawn mower, I fixed the lawn mower.
You gotta see.
Kelso, wait Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Oh well, it was broken anyway.
No, it wasn't.
I fixed it.
Mom, you belive me, don't you? - Of course I do honey.
I belive that you belive you fixed it.
Why are you on my seat? - This automobile has not moved.
Wait, you didn't ask me that.
Did you touch anything? Cause if you did, you are in big trouble.
No, I can assure you, everything is exactly as you left it.
Hey Kelso, did you get the cop car back before you boss found out you stole it? Okay, that I can explain that.
Where am I? Yeah, I can't explain that.
Socket wrench.
Drives the spaceship, sits next to the hairy guy.
Han Solo.
Flathead screwdriver.
Oh, I know this.
Guy with the breathing problem.
Guy with the breathing problem? This is Darth freaking Vader.
Seriously dad if you don't know the dark lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the jedi warrior then I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.