The Conners (2018) s06e09 Episode Script

1
And that is why we gather
on National Cheeseball Day
yes, it's real
to celebrate our dusty, crunchy friend,
a beacon of neon orange hope
in our gray, dull lives.
- Hear! Hear!
- Our dull lives.
- Dull lives. Dull lives.
- To our gray, dull lives.
To our dull lives.
These were actually here
when we bought the house.
I'm not saying that's
the reason we bought it, but
it was a factor.
I remember when you looked
at this house.
There was asbestos in the walls,
lead in the paint,
and rust in the water.
And those things will
all kill you slower
than these cheeseballs.
Look what I found
in The Lunch Box parking lot.
Can we keep her? Aw, can we?
Aw, we should see
if she's microchipped first.
Maybe somebody misses her.
Did you finish prepping Darlene's order
for the cafeteria yet?
No, not yet.
But I'm gonna go back
after dinner to finish it.
Harris, you were
at The Lunch Box all day.
Wasn't that long enough to finish it?
[scoffs] It should have been.
It's like the simplest thing
in the world
to make hamburger patties and salads,
but I just can't seem to get it done.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
It's a huge order with fast turnaround,
and you're doing it all with one hand,
'cause you got that bong in the other.
I wish that was the reason,
but I quit weed when I got
serious about the job.
Oh, man, that's tough.
Coming up with good excuses
for sucking is the hardest part
of being sober.
Harris, I have complete faith
in you finishing
my cafeteria order because if you don't,
I will lose my job
and Mark will have to quit school
and marry some rich old man.
Yeah, I never saw it
going any other way.
Don't worry, I'll get it done.
Hey.
They're about to announce
the lotto numbers,
or as we call it, "Working
America's favorite game show."
So, Becky, Becky,
I'm worried about Harris.
I've already had to step in a few times
to help her make the hamburgers.
Yeah, I just don't understand
what's going on with her.
I mean, she seems to really
wanna shine at this job,
but she can't get out of her own way.
I think it's a confidence issue
not surprising.
This family could
undermine anybody's confidence
in a hot minute.
I mean, they throw a grand
banquet for cheeseballs.
And on my birthday, I get a Lean Pocket
with a candle in it.
What'd you wish for?
It doesn't matter. I didn't get it.
You got 'em.
Hey, you know you missed
the opening ceremonies
for Cheeseball Day.
Oh.
Well, I was late 'cause
I was running some numbers
'cause I've been thinking about
keeping the hardware store open
an hour later than the competition.
And, um, I'm going for it.
Whoa.
You gotta keep the light on.
You gotta keep the heat on.
Most importantly, you're
gonna miss "Wheel of Fortune."
I mean, it's London Week, man.
[laughs]
Well, look, I don't have a choice.
When I told Darlene
to take that cafeteria job,
I wasn't planning on
all these extra bills
that just keep popping up.
Like, they just raised
our property taxes.
So if you're staying open later,
you're gonna be poaching customers
from the big boys, huh?
That's the plan, see?
Home Depot, Lowe's, that one
home improvement aisle at CVS
that sells the eyeglass repair kit
and the cloth tape measure,
yeah, they're all going down.
How are you gonna manage
all these long shifts?
Yeah, I hope you're not
expecting Dan to do it.
I mean, he was killing himself
working all day
and then teaching
those DIY classes at night.
I mean, he started to sit down
when he was looking for stuff
in the fridge.
I figured I would make healthier choices
if I wasn't in such a rush
to get back to the couch.
[laughs] No, see, that only
works if you actually put
a healthy thing into the fridge.
I have an apple in there.
I'm keeping it fresh
inside of a pie, but
[chuckles]
No, look, I didn't expect
him to fill in.
This is something that Darlene
and I gotta deal with.
Mm, yeah. I feel bad
you gotta work late,
but it's not forever.
If I do well at work,
they promised me a raise.
You know, and if we've learned
one thing, in America,
low-wage workers always come out on top.
Well, the rough part is
that I'm gonna be
getting home a lot later.
And that means
that we won't get to spend
as much time together at home, you know?
And that sucks 'cause nighttime
has kind of been our time.
Ohhh, okay.
Nights, enough said.
I guess you guys fixed
your sex problem, huh?
I think I've learned a little
about who to confide in.
Mm.
But, you know, we'll
we'll just stay up later,
- so we can spend time together.
- Yeah. Hey, look.
We've been through
tougher times than this.
Oh, yeah, we have.
God, well, we lost a magazine,
and your podcast was an epic fail.
And remember, you lived in
the back of the hardware store
'cause I lied to you about almost going
to Hawaii with another guy.
Yep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
together there is nothing
that we can't make worse.
Mm-hmm.
[bluesy rock music]
6x09 - Manifesting, Marriage Testing
and Cheeseballs
♪
"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
Harris.
Harris, wake up.
You left the stove on.
Wait, the stove is on?
No, it's okay. I turned it off.
How did this happen?
I don't know.
I finished the orders,
and I wanted to make a grilled cheese,
and it was around 3:00 in the morning.
I guess I fell asleep.
[sighs] I'm such an idiot.
Is it too much work?
No.
I don't know what's going on with me.
Okay, let's examine this.
When you start a task,
do you feel like you're gonna succeed
or you feel like you're gonna fail?
Succeed, but then I start
to get into the work,
and I can't get it done,
and then I feel like a failure.
It seems like there's something
underneath all of this.
With everything I'm learning
as a psychology student,
I really think I can help you
figure this out.
That's super neat
that you're learning how
to do a thing, Becky, when
I've already done the thing.
I was a celebrated life coach.
And if anybody can help you
get over your fear of failure,
it's gonna be me.
Your credentials are
six weeks in a mall class
and a certificate that has a coupon
for a spray tan at the bottom of it.
And I looked great all that winter.
Okay, look, Becky might be able
to root around in your brain
and figure out what the problem is.
That could take a lifetime.
I, on the other hand,
can get you into action,
into action.
How 'bout this?
We'll both work with you,
and then you can tell us
which one is helping you,
and then Jackie will stop.
I just want to be able to do my job
and not feel like
I'm drowning all the time,
so I'll try anything.
I'm gonna go make
another grilled cheese.
If you smell smoke, save yourselves.
Okay, look, let's get one thing clear.
We both care about Harris.
Exactly.
This is not a competition.
This is about what is best for Harris.
- Mm-hmm.
- If it was a competition
If it was a competition, uh, 10 bucks
and the loser has to get
a tattoo that says,
"Life Coaches Rule,"
and it has to be on your face.
♪
Hit the road, Blondie.
This is my time with my lady.
Lady?
Aren't you afraid
Darlene's gonna come home?
Look, I'm sorry
I gotta kick you out, but
[groans] This is my only time
with Darlene
now that I'm working so late.
I don't have anywhere else to study
because Beverly Rose
is asleep in my room.
Well, it's your call.
You know, either move or get crushed
by an exhausted couple
going through the motions
of trying to have sex.
Can't you just go to your room
and flop around like normal people?
We have the energy to walk to the room
or we have the energy to have sex.
We don't have both.
You swim in a T-shirt
in front of the family.
I'm calling your bluff.
Hmm.
Wait, what? You're already in
your "leave me alone" pajamas?
What about the
what about our half-assed couch sex?
I gotta be at the cafeteria at 5:00 a.m.
They want me to take over breakfast.
Some student was still stoned
from the night before
and they ate all the marshmallows
out of the Lucky Charms.
So people were triggered.
No one felt seen. It was a mess.
Damn, okay.
Well, I understand.
Would you be really mad if I went
and got a drink at The Lobo?
I kind of don't want
to just sit up by myself.
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
You know, sometimes
if I look really sad,
they'll give me a free shot.
And that's why I check our bank account
right before I walk in.
Why are you okay
with him going to The Lobo?
How'd you hear that? You got earbuds in.
Oh, they're not connected to anything.
I hear everything
that goes on around here,
like when you call Ben your big bad wolf
and ask him to blow your house down.
Ben loves that.
And what's the big deal about
him going out one night
to have a drink alone?
It sounds like
it's not gonna be one night
based on your work schedules.
Okay, so what?
Our relationship's strong
enough to handle that.
That's what you said about David
when you started spending time apart.
One night he was just out
getting a beer.
Next thing you know, he's out
getting a beer in Guatemala.
No, that is totally different.
Ben doesn't even have a passport.
Let's be honest. You and I are slow
to see relationship problems coming,
but you always see mine better
and vice versa.
Okay, yeah. But when it's over,
why can't we just pick up
where we left off?
Unless somebody else picks up
where you left off at The Lobo tonight.
He owns a moderately successful
hardware store.
In Lanford, he's Richard Branson.
God, you're right.
And he doesn't even need to be.
In Lanford, he just needs to be the guy
who drives Richard Branson.
[bluesy harmonica music]
[bluesy harmonica music]
Why is there all this
blonde hair in the drain?
I have a very full life, Dad.
I go from work to school
to dates with Tyler.
Sometimes I have to wash
my hair in a restaurant sink.
It's the price of being
a woman who has it all.
Thanks for coming to fix this, Dan.
You know, Ben was supposed
to come by this morning,
- but he bailed.
- Not a shock.
He's been hungover
at work the last few days
from drinking by himself at The Lobo.
What the hell's going on
with him and Darlene?
Didn't she tell you?
They barely see each other.
She falls asleep
on the couch waiting for him.
I can't believe she hasn't said anything
to me about all this.
Finally, progress.
Your adult children are taking
care of their own lives.
Hey, don't lump me into that.
I still need babysitters, Dad
and new Mommy.
Well, your father and I
have big plans tonight.
We are gonna watch
the "Yellowstone" prequel
followed by the pre-prequel,
and if we can stay up,
the pre-pre-prequel.
[chuckles] You tell your sister
if she's got a serious problem,
she can call me.
Hey.
How many times are you gonna promise
that you're not gonna
let your kids interfere
with our private time?
I think 25.
All right, now I want you to promise me
that you are gonna stay out of it.
I can do that.
Tonight it's just me,
you, "Yellowstone,"
and a six-pack of hard root beer,
'cause that's all the gas station had.
A vision board is the perfect tool.
So in order to get past
your fear of failure,
you need to visualize your success.
And then you can manifest it.
So I brought in one of my old boards.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
This is just to give you
a sense of how it works.
Now here, I was trying to attract love.
Who is that in the middle?
Well, at the time,
I had a bit of a thing
for WGVO's weatherman, Max Thunder.
Okay.
What's up with the Wendy's napkin?
Oh, well, a napkin can
symbolize your desire
to clean up your lifestyle
or to wipe away old dating patterns.
But in this case, it was just
because I saw Max Thunder
at the Wendy's,
and so I grabbed the napkin
out of the trash after he left.
Okay, but you didn't end up
with Max Thunder,
so this doesn't work.
No, I was trying to attract love,
and I got Neville.
And Max Thunder,
he was found dead
in an old motel in Mexico.
The forecast called for life,
but poor Max, he got that one wrong.
Oh, come on. A vision board?
What? They work. I married a doctor.
I did none of that,
and I'm dating a pilot.
Your time is up, Jackie.
It's my turn to work with Harris.
Um, I've been thinking about
everything you've gone through
the past couple years.
It's a lot, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, you thought
you were gonna get married.
You thought you were gonna have a baby.
You moved back in with your mom.
Yeah, I think about those things a lot.
It's kind of overwhelming
to hear them together.
Mm. Great job, Becky.
Way to burden her with all the
traumas that she's been through
but give her none
of the tools that she needs.
She's gotta process all the crap
that she's been through, Jackie.
She doesn't even know
how bad her life is.
Why do you think I'm in such
a hurry to give her real help?
If we don't do it soon,
God knows what could happen.
What are you talking about?
What's gonna happen?
We won't know unless we explore
the core beliefs that are contributing
to her thoughts being so distorted.
You're right.
My thinking does feel distorted.
Dig, dig, dig. Who cares?
We need action.
We need to get her outta
this dark hole right now.
The only way out is through.
Yes, I got that T-shirt
at the Cracker Barrel too.
You know, guys, none of
this is really helping.
That's because we haven't
gotten to the hard stuff
her parents getting divorced,
missing out on college.
I don't feel too good.
I'm kind of lightheaded.
Look what you're doing to her.
Are you okay?
Are you having a hard time
catching your breath?
Yeah, a little.
- I'm kind of shaky.
- Oh.
You know, you do look kind of pale.
Um, let's go to urgent care
to be on the safe side.
Yeah, well, that's what
I was just gonna suggest
if you let me get a word in edgewise.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey, you're home. I'm so pumped!
Whoa.
You're a little loud and excited
and pumped with what?
Well, I-I just threw down
three triple-shot lattes.
Three? [laughs]
You weigh, like, 60 pounds.
You're the size of a latte. What?
I think that's too much
caffeine for you.
Well, maybe, but I am
not falling asleep tonight.
I am up and I am ready!
Whoa! [laughs]
You are sweatin' like
Doc Holliday in "Tombstone."
So let's get this party started.
Shirts stay on, drop the pants.
Oh, well, uh-uh. We can't do that.
We'll look like a couple
of toddlers at the beach.
A couple of toddlers about
to have sex at the beach.
Okay, whoa!
No! Okay?
This wasn't working before that image,
so let's just let's just try
and do this another night
when you start blinking again.
No, no. We have to do this tonight.
This is the only time we have.
And if we don't do it tonight,
then we're not gonna do it tomorrow,
and we're gonna drift apart.
And then you're gonna meet
some woman at the bar
who's gonna ask you
to install a bookshelf for her,
and then you're gonna
be having sex with Gail.
And yes, I know her name
is gonna be Gail.
Okay, Darlene.
Stop and just talk to me.
Okay, well, Becky says that couples
that spend too much time apart break up.
And she wasn't saying it to be mean.
She was actually saying it
out of concern,
which was very unsettling.
Okay, all right?
Look, I know we're
going through a rough patch,
but this is not the way to fix it.
Okay, then how do we fix it?
We have to fix it.
I don't know.
We could be doing this for a while
or until you run through a screen door
and disappear into the woods.
That's not gonna happen,
but I need you to sit with me
for a minute because I can feel
my heart beating in my feet.
Oh.
No, I can't sit. We gotta walk around.
Okay.
Well, you're going pretty fast,
so how about
I just follow you in the car?
[bluesy harmonica music]
Thanks for coming in early
to help me get this cafeteria order out.
I can't believe we gave
Harris a panic attack.
I know. I feel terrible.
I violated my sacred oath
of being a life coach.
It's in Latin, and it translates roughly
to, um, "At least leave everybody l
how like like how what they were."
Hey.
Hey, how you feelin'?
I'm fine now. Sorry I'm so late.
Urgent care gave me
a referral to a clinic,
and I took the first
appointment this morning.
Okay, so what'd they say?
Well, she said that basically
what I've been going through
the last year is most likely ADHD.
The doctor said a lot of times
girls don't get diagnosed
as kids like boys do,
so when they're adults,
they don't know what's going on
and they just blame themselves
for falling short.
That is true. That does happen.
No. No, too late.
You blew it. Move on.
We talked for a long time.
And the first thing she recommended
is that I stop talking
to a psych student
and a life coach.
Well, usually colleagues
support each other.
Did she prescribe any meds for you?
She gave me a referral to a specialist
who will charge me on a sliding scale
and give me some coping skills.
Okay, all right.
Well, see, that's a good thing.
Now you have the tools
and you can manage this,
you can do your job, yeah?
Although one doctor is
sending you to another doctor,
uh, this feels a little bit
like a pyramid scheme.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Mm, morning role-play, gross.
"Yellowstone," it never ends.
Yeah.
There's so many prequels,
it's eventually just gonna be
cavemen in Montana.
Uh, so listen,
I gotta talk to you about something.
I I'm sorry to ask, but
I don't know what else to do.
No, he is not working any
of Ben's shifts at night.
Louise, I get it. I-I understand
you wanna spend time with your husband.
But I wanna spend time with mine too,
and I'm really afraid of what's
gonna happen if I don't.
Honey, I'd love to help you.
But I made a promise to Louise,
and that's important to me.
We should be spending this time
of our lives together.
Coming over here to ask you this
was the last thing I wanted to do.
I know I've already asked
for so much from you,
but I'm desperate.
Honey, I'd love to help you,
and I'm sorry
your marriage is dissolving.
But I wanna spend as much time
as I can with her.
Okay.
I-I don't want to cause
problems with you guys.
But my marriage is kinda new,
and I don't know if it can
withstand the strain of this.
Oh, honey, it would be so different
if Louise weren't an angel
in human form
- All right! All right.
- Sent down from above.
Go ahead and work
a couple of late shifts.
God, Louise.
We promised we'd spend time together.
Why the sudden turn?
You know, you parents
all have the same disease.
If your kids are miserable,
you're gonna be miserable too.
A couple of nights a week help?
Oh, my God, you saved us.
I gotta hug you.
[bluesy harmonica music]
You've been through some stuff
and I know sometimes
that you feel I'm too busy for us,
but I am always thinking
of you and always loving you.
And I just felt like
I had to tell you that
before you're gone.
Who're you talking to?
It's not what you think.
I love them, but I'm not
in love with them.
[child giggles]