The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e09 Episode Script

We've watched many Of your movies including We go from showgirls To bound.
bound you seem to Play a lot of female, If i may say, Female-female Relationships.
bound, yeah.
She was Jennifer was nice, Was a niceI get The, you know, car, I get the girl.
Yeah, i've never Seen the end of it.
Uh But, uh Well, you should Watch it.
It's good.
I know you're probably Like most guys.
They kind of got stuck On our, uh, lesbian scenes.
Lesbian? It's 2-- it's 2 girls.
I didn't know They were lesbians.
Is there some message There i didn't pick up? No, i'm reading into it.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll have to watch it Again knowing that.
Yeah.
Well, you know, You are delightful.
Maybe we should finish These questions Here at dinner and Just wrap this thing up.
Get rid of hank and the Audience and just, uh Discuss the rest Of these on our own.
That'd be swell.
We'll come right back.
We'll take a break.
No flipping.
Director: clear! Yeah? You were funny.
The dinner thing, That was-- that was That was pretty Funny, wasn't it? Yeah.
That was me At my funniest It was good.
But i was serious About the dinner.
Really? Yes.
No, you were serious About having dinner? Yes, because If i can't finish The interview, I get very Frustrated.
Oh, so it's A professional dinner? Well, here are The questions I would ask you.
Take a look At those.
Jeff goldblum.
You were gonna ask me About jeff.
That's The promo card.
Oh.
He's gonna Be on the show? He's going to be On the show tomorrow.
Oh, wow.
Tell him i said hi.
Great job With the gina gershon questions.
Thank you.
Yeah, she was funny, And hot.
Good.
So was larry, But you kind of crapped out With the comic, didn't you? I thought dana gould Was very funny.
Oh, maybe on conan.
The audience was laughing.
Larry wasn't.
Did you notice This expression? Yeah, what was that? That's larry For "i hate this guy.
" It's so hard to tell What larry likes.
Larry likes gina gershon.
What are we doing Tonight? I am doing stand-up at largo, But i'll be done by 9:00.
I'll go with you.
You totally don't Have to go with me.
Please, don't feel Like you have to.
It's just a spot.
I have Nothing else to do.
Wendy: That's so sad.
That'll be good, Because afterwards, We can go to my house And see a little tape I like to call jerry springer: too hot for tv, totally uncensored.
Hey, last time i saw You do stand-up Was at that place In pasadena And that prop comic Cut his own finger off.
Oh, yeah.
He'll be there tonight.
Does he do that every time? No.
Uh, hi.
Hi.
UmHave you ever had A "collinoscopy"? What? [Softly.]
"Collinoscopy.
" Colonoscopy.
Oh, thanks, bill.
Colonoscopy.
Have you Ever had one? Hm? Uh, thing is, you see, My doctor's sending me To a specialist, And, well, what it is, It's a little camera, And they stick it up Your ass, And it looks around, For, you know You-- you-- You never had one? I think I would remember.
I'm going in tomorrow.
I just want to know If it hurts.
It does.
So you've had one? Not officially.
You were so funny.
I was really laughing.
Thank you.
Your act is so Different, you know? You're better than Half the comics We have on.
Really? Yeah.
Remember Last week, That guy, who his Whole act was His pants up to here And then he talked Like his dad? You think i'm ready? For what? To do the show.
Our show? That's the one We're talking about, right? What are you doing? I'm trying to picture you On the show.
Why do you do this? What? You brought this up.
I mean, now i feel Like an asshole now.
Do you not think i'm ready And you were just trying To be nice? No.
Yes, i'm I don't know if Larry would think You were funny.
So how's your ass? Oh, this collinoscopy doctor-- Colonoscopy.
Hmm? Colon.
This colonoscopy doctor, She's gorgeous.
You should have seen her In her white coat.
I wanted to give her A little tongue depressor Action.
Hey, now.
Mmm.
So you're gonna Go for another Appointment? No, i don't think so.
Looking up the ass Was a one-time thing, [Whispering.]
But i'm thinking Of asking her out.
Hank, how do you ask Somebody out Who's seen the Inside of your ass? I think she has A thing for me.
How could you tell? Weren't you facing The other way? Well, granted, I was sedated at the time, But there was a vibe In that room.
You know, it usually Takes several years To get to that level Of intimacy.
I bonded with a man completely Non-sexually the other day.
I-- it was just So important, you know.
I was walking out, And he was going to pee On the side of my building, But nothing was coming out, So i went behind him, And i went [Hisses softly.]
Okay.
No good? No, i think it might make Larry uncomfortable.
Oh, beverly, can you Listen to some Of wendy's jokes And tell me If larry will think They're funny? Sure.
Please don't Do this to me.
Oh, come on, It'll be fun.
Go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen, Wendy trastin! [Claps.]
Probably my most Attractive feature Is my neck.
I have A really long neck.
My neck is Flaccid.
Yeah.
Yeah, i think Larry might like that.
But you didn't laugh.
Well, that's because I like, you know, bill cosby.
You know, he does This routine about Going to the dentist, You know, but he can't talk Because his mouth is so numb.
It's really funny.
I mean, he likes that.
[Laughs.]
You acted like You didn't even Want me to do good.
It's not my fault She didn't laugh.
I'm in a fucking Bathroom, mary.
I'm just Doing my job.
Fine.
Why don't We start from the top By the fucking tampon Dispenser?! I think this is A funnier area Of the bathroom.
I think i could really Kill here, yeah.
Hey, how ya doin', folks? Great to be here By the tampon dispenser! Thank you! Oh, that tickles In a way.
Makeup.
Jeff, hey! Tickling? Is she tickling you? Well, that brush, I'd be very careful.
[Both laugh.]
Glowing! Glowing! I heard you're doing A piano number.
Oh, yeah.
If you like.
I would honestly, Uh, recommend Oh, then i will.
The, uh, last night's show, Gina gershon.
You two got along Very well.
Was she ok? She was great.
We had a wonderful-- Yeah, did you see The bird lady? Did you see The parrots? They were great.
Couldn't have Been better.
They were all great, But it looked like You and she had, like, Chemistry of some kind.
Well, you know, Lot of that is that, Uh, talk show stuff.
I watch all the time.
Something happened between-- No, no, no, no.
Listen.
You've got much On your mind.
You know, i have So many things On my mind.
One of which Is i have to go Now and get, uh, Head up To another Makeup room.
[Chuckles.]
You know, i have To get dressed for the show.
You look lovely.
No, these Are pajamas.
[Laughs.]
Mary, this is Ruining our Friendship.
I know.
[Sighs.]
so let's Just pretend like We never thought About me being On the show.
Ok, that's a great idea.
Really? You think that's A great idea? Great.
Ok, ladies.
I got our tickets To see the l.
A.
Sparks.
Floor seats Next to rosie o'donnell.
Ok, who's driving? I'm wiped.
I'm going home.
But-- Me, too.
I'm wiped, too.
Hey, phil, do you like Women's basketball? I don't know.
What do they wear? [Playing jazz music.]
[Audience applauds.]
Jeff goldblum.
Jeff goldblum.
[Playing outro.]
Jeff goldblum.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
All those years as Liberace's protégé Paid off.
Jeff goldblum.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my god.
That was fantastic.
Hey, thank you.
That was fantastic.
You're unbelievable.
People would have no idea.
They see you with The mechanical dinosaurs.
They don't know That you got this.
Listen, uh, we were talking Earlier in the makeup room.
I meant to tell you, You know, I asked out gina gershon When she did the show.
So i didn't, uh Really! Yeah.
We're gonna actually Have, uh, dinner Like, uh, tomorrow.
So i didn't know If that was a problem For you or not Because i noticed That you Why would there Be a problem? Well, because i know You went out with her, And i don't quite Understand the, uh The circumstances.
So if that bothers you, You should tell me Because i would not Do anything That would upset Our friendship, you know? That's so sweet.
Thank you.
I feel the same way.
So does it bother you? Um Trust your instincts.
You know, The thing is, uh, I'd mentioned to him That we were Having dinner.
He was A little upset.
Why? Well, i don't know, But, you know, He's one of My best friends.
So i really don't Know what to He was upset that we Were having dinner? Right.
I think so.
Well, i think That's ridiculous.
He really has no right To be upset about this.
Honestly, i mean.
Nevertheless, I'm awkward with it.
So Why don't we all Just get together? Get together And talk about it? Yeah! I mean, if it would Make you feel better, I mean, i like you.
I, you know I like you, too.
I would, if we had Another dinner, I think it would be nice, But i don't want you To feel uncomfortable, But i-- i really feel Like there's no need To feel uncomfortable.
No, you're right.
What about Richard lewis? Montreal Comedy festival.
Louie anderson? Montreal.
As long as I've been living, The french have been Fucking us.
Is there-- what comic Isn't in montreal? Alan king.
Oh! He'd be great, But i had a thing With one of his exs.
Hmm.
W-w-w-what about wendy? Wendy who? You know, wendy Who works on the show.
Artie: oh, that's A good idea! Wendy, our Talented writer.
Yeah.
Hey, mary lou, Didn't you go see her At the club the other night? Yes.
Artie: well, What do you think? Is she ready? I'm not sure.
Well, you saw her act, Didn't you? Yeah, i just don't Know if larry would Like her.
Why not? I'm the only one That saw her.
Well, i've got A good instinct About this.
Larry likes Her material.
Don't you? Yeah.
She's funny.
Hey, let's give Wendy a shot.
What the hell? She's family.
Anyway we're off the air In 2 fucking weeks.
Mary! Thank you so much! Thank you! You fucking rule! You fucking rule! You're on After terry bradshaw.
This is Fucking amazing.
Thank you so much.
I can't thank you Enough.
I don't know What to say.
It wasn't that Big of a deal.
It's the biggest deal! Don't overreact.
That's better.
And, uh, This is backstage.
Well, this is the, uh, This is the Craft service table.
Want anything? Um, no, thank you.
Come on now.
No.
Tempting.
Uh, and, uh, This is, Well, this is, This is the Backstage.
This is called A cyc.
A cyc.
And, this is, Of course, The, um The curtain.
The curtain.
Oh, i can't wait For larry to To meet you.
Oh, he's gonna Love you.
You know, i've actually Been to the show before.
Never backstage.
You've been Backstage.
You know what i mean.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
This is, um, phil.
Phil's our head writer.
This is Dr.
Monica gordon.
Hello.
Oh, hey! Hey.
Hey, nice To meet you.
I've heard a lot About you.
Oh, yes? What have you heard? Well, that You're very good At your job.
Uh-huh.
Hey, um, seriously, And, listen, i don't mean To pry or anything, but How you can date hank After seeing, You knowInside? Because i once saw him In a speedo, And i couldn't eat For a week.
Ok.
showtime at the apollo is over.
Let's say good-night To slappy white.
Good-night, slappy.
Oh, he's so high On drugs right now.
Oh-- oh, yeah? I gave the first Super bowl ring To my dad.
Super bowl 9 Against the vikings.
Super bowl 10 i gave To my older brother gary.
He lost it.
Is that true? That's true.
Super bowl 13.
I gave that one to my Youngest brother craig Who was playing For the houston oilers At the time.
He didn't want that.
So he gave it back.
Super bowl 14 I kept for myself.
So i have 13 and 14.
Gary lost 10, And then 2 years ago, I had 10 remade, And i gave it to him As a christmas gift.
So now everybody Has a ring.
I got 2.
They got 2.
[Audience applauds.]
Thank you.
Are you A pittsburgh fan? Football fan? Hank: very.
Very.
That team was, uh-- That was legendary.
What number was, uh, What number was terry? [Audience chuckles.]
Hank.
Hank, higher.
[Both murmuring.]
Hank, hank, higher.
[Audience laughs.]
Why don't we take A break and We'll come, uh, Right back And watch hank Guess the entire Current nfl roster And their numbers And weights.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
You're fantastic.
You waving To your relative? No, that's My doctor.
Your doctor? Yeah.
What she did, She gave me my First colonoscopy.
Wow.
That first Time.
[Grunts.]
Hmm.
Really.
Really.
You know, I've sent her a lot Of customers.
I sent her, uh I sent her Bob costas.
I sent her, uh, Brent musberger.
John madden Drove all the way Across the country Just to see her.
Howie long.
Howie-- howie goes Once a week.
Pfft! All of them Satisfied.
Satisfied, huh? Yeah, well I mean, she gives Great scope, You know? Artie, i'm so nervous.
Why? Why, sweetie? It's gonna be great.
I'm so excited.
Got a hot crowd Out there.
You're a very talented Young woman.
Thank you.
If i suck, Don't blame mary lou.
Why would i do that? I know she had To push for me.
When you walk Out there, Don't forget To stand On the star.
You mean larry? Oh, ha! You see? You're gonna Kill 'em.
[Audience applauds.]
Larry: welcome back.
It is always, as i think You would agree, A delight to welcome New talent to the show, And tonight we have One of the writers From the larry sanders show.
This is her First appearance here, Her first appearance On network television.
So please give her A warm welcome.
Wendy trastin.
Wendy trastin.
[Audience applauds.]
Thanks.
Thank you, larry.
So i'm sitting at home This morning, Uh, watching porn As i'm wont to do From time to time, And, uh, it's A series of vignettes, This particular porn movie Starring ron jeremy.
[Audience chuckles.]
Thank you And, uh, in this First vignette, Ron jeremy Is masturbating, uh, And he's got his pinky out, And i found out Why he does that.
I found out Why he masturbates With his pinky out.
It's because he's classy.
[Audience laughs.]
[Applause and cheers.]
I have a very long neck.
That's probably My most attractive feature.
My neck is [Audience laughs.]
[Applause and cheers.]
I was a baby once, You know? And, uh Look, i understand That the doctor Had to spank me When i was born, you know? But, uh, i don't See why he had to Call me a whore.
[Audience laughs.]
[Applause and cheers.]
So, uh, i'm licking jelly Off of my boyfriend, right? [Audience laughs.]
And all of a sudden, I'm thinking, "Oh, my god.
I'm turning into my mother.
" [Audience laughs.]
[Applause and cheers.]
If i leave you With anything, I hope it's not humor, But, um, some sort Of message, you know-- I'm currently In the process Of suing my boss For sexual harassment.
[Sighs.]
yeah And i don't mean To pat myself on The back about it, But it's Something that, uh It's something that It takes a lot of guts To do, you know? Especially because He didn't do anything.
[Audience laughs.]
Thank you very much! [Applause and cheers.]
Wendy trastin.
We'll be right back.
Wendy trastin.
Oh, my god! Hey! [Giggling.]
It felt so good.
You killed, wendy.
You were incredible.
It was so great! Did you tell her About larry? No.
She tell you about Larry? No.
He was laughing.
I mean, he was Laughing for real.
You were really great.
I'm proud of you! Thank you, beverly.
You completely made This happen for me.
I didn't make it happen.
Yes, you did! No, i didn't.
When artie asked me If you were ready, I told him i don't know.
I was afraid.
Well, if it ain't The 2 best friends.
Congratulations, Sweetie.
That was terrific! In this business, Shows come and go.
And friendships, Well [Chuckles.]
they come And go, too, But as long as you kill, Everybody's happy.
Wendy, there's a bottle Of iced cordon rouge On your desk.
Why don't you 2 gals Go and get pie-eyed? Or shit-faced, whatever You want to call it.
Wanna go? Let's get fucked up.
Super fucked up.
Hey, where's Dr.
Bottom? Aren't you two Going to paint The town brown? I don't think so.
I mean, i don't mind her Looking up my ass, But john madden.
That's where I draw the line.
He probably thought of it As a fucking tailgate party.
Oh, heads up.
Here comes The ass queen now.
Hi! Great show! Hey! Thanks.
So where do you want To go for dinner? Look, i'm,-- I-- i think i'm Gonna have to Take a rain check.
I'm not I'm coming down With something.
I'm gonna get your Parking validated.
I mean, she's one Of my best friends, And i really liked Her boyfriend.
It didn't work out With him, um Um, can you just get That really hard? There, do you mind? Is that ok? And i really-- This is-- I just have a-- It's hurting me There, But anyway, I really-- it just Didn't work out, And so we went out, And it was No big deal.
Yeah, that's right.
You could do it A little bit harder.
Just hard And direct.
Maybe harder.
I think she wants it harder.
Yeah.
A little harder! [Laughs.]
no, but Seriously, honestly, I think that You guys are You're getting Kind of weird.
You're getting Too possessive about This whole thing.
I don't think I'm possessive.
I know I'm not possessive.
I'm certainly Not possessive.
Which girlfriend Are you talking about? Marsha.
Marsha.
You know marsha? Yes-- oh, marsha, Marsha! Marsha? Oh, the, uh, Casting director With the, uh, thing The one at The barbecue.
Remember The barbecue? Jeff: oh! Oh! What was the barbecue? Gina: oh, i should Have told that story.
Let me-- let me.
She's got-- We're at the barbecue.
She's got The lighter fluid.
I-i-i-i'm going, Darling.
She's got The lighter fluid.
All of a sudden, A force 10 gale comes up, For some reason, And, um, I've never seen A hibachi just Flare up like that.
Strangely.
One second, I've got eyebrows.
Next second-- Gina: They're so, i mean, Completely gone.
Every time I take a bite Out of the chicken, I thought it was Your eyebrow.
I couldn't even eat it.
Look at it.
They're still not Totally grown back.
No, they have.
I'm just kidding.
Thank you.
Larry: oh, they're perfect.
They don't look like They've been singed at all.
Never crossed my mind.
She's so-- hey, is that What that means? The wiggling toes? Yeah, no, It means harder Because-- you don't Understand-- It's like You're going down A little bit more, But-- wait.
That part.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
That's it.
Oh, god.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's really good.
Yes! Oh, god! Yes, yes! Oh.
Oh, my god.
Oh I have to go To the bathroom.
That was good.
Really? You got the, uh-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Um, is this-- larry? Yeah, right over That way.
Ok, great.
Thanks.
[Door closes.]
This girl Really likes you.
I'm telling you.
This is completely-- You should be going out With her again Because i think She likes you.
No.
She likes you.
I think she likes you.
I can tell by the way She was She had an orgasm Practically when you Were massaging her foot.
Do you think so? As close as i've seen.
Really? She's-- she was All over you.
No She totally Larry.
She totally wants To be with you.
But, ok, Maybe she does.
Maybe she does, But i don't know.
Ok, if i went out With her, Would that-- Would that bother you? The whole thing is Making me so heavy.
Would it bother you? I don't-- 'Cause i wouldn't Do anything I wouldn't Do anything To undermine Our friendship.
Really? Yeah, really.
I'd trust your instincts.
Did i mention, uh, Jimmy colvert? Yes, you did.
Isn't that Illeana douglas? She's hot.
Hi, illeana! Hi! How are you? I'm good.
You know artie, Uh, my producer-- You look fantastic.
Thank you.
You look beautiful.
So do you.
How are you? I'm good.
You know, i saw the show You did with jeff goldblum.
You were really funny.
Really? I used to go out With jeff.
Really? Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, didn't work out.
But he's a really nice guy, Don't ya think? I don't really Know him.