The League s06e09 Episode Script
Taco Standard Time
I'm so hungry I can't even think.
Hello? Peter? Hey, it's Lane.
Oh, hey, Lane.
I didn't recognize the number.
I'm calling from a burner.
How are you? I'm good.
How are you? I'm gonna be honest with you, Peter-- lately I've been having a hard time.
Uh It's like the things I used to enjoy, I don't even enjoy anymore.
Hey, Pete, I've got I'm sorry.
My friend Tina last night brought over a bunch of locally sourced farm-to-table cocaine, and I couldn't even find the will to do a line.
Okay.
Sorry.
I've been having a hard time maintaining an erection at art shows, which has never been a problem for me.
My friend Tina won't even invite me to his cuddle parties anymore.
Whatever, he's pretentious, but still, it just feels bad.
My hausfrau quit, so now how am I gonna find someone to clean my house in the traditional Bavarian fashion? I haven't touched my didgeridoo in, like, three and a half Are you chewing? No, no, I'm listening.
Peter, are you eating lunch right now? I'm disrobing my soul, and you're masticating? I'm sorry.
Lunch came and I just wanted to eat it before it got cold.
Well, is it, like, a grilled cheese or shawarma or something? Turkey wrap.
A hot turkey wrap? No.
Damn it, Peter.
I'm sorry! How sorry can you be through a mouthful of Ruffles? No, no, no, I'm hungry sorry.
Now I'm asking you point-blank, please stop eating chips.
Ah, Peter! A turkey wrap? It was sitting right in front of me; I was hungry.
I had my lunch boner.
- You can't just put that away.
- You were in your appetite vinegar strokes.
Oh, God, oh, God, I got to eat! Why do you smell like cat food? I can explain.
I am actually bathing with a cat-food-scented soap.
Why? Because Milady's been very aggressive with me.
She's, like, always attacking me and fighting with me.
It's like Percy Harvin and the Seahawks.
Well, then trade her to the Jets.
We're not gonna trade anyone anywhere, all right? I care about this relationship.
As a matter of fact, we're going to therapy this week.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is a new low for this league.
You know what is not a low for this league? Two tickets, Bears-Packers.
Lambeau Field.
Whoa.
Who are you taking? I mean, I could take you, Pete, or I could take you, Kevin, or I could take you, Andre.
Been willing to bring out my portable crepe machine for a little tailgate.
Or I could take my wife, Sofia, who knows nothing about football, thinks the team name is the Pack Rats.
It really depends on who steps up.
Daddy needs a fresh drink.
Drink for the man, please.
- Can I get a drink over here? - Hey! How long am I gonna have to wait at the movie theater before you guys decide to show up? The movie doesn't start for an hour.
What are you talking about? It's 9:30.
No, it's not.
It's 8:30.
What? No, you forgot about daylight savings time.
What the hell's that? You know, fall backwards, spring forward? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's for the farmers.
The farmers? To help with their crops.
How? I think it's in the daylight and the way the Earth rotates during the winter.
Yeah, so they have more time.
So who does this? Everybody.
Everybody in the country does it, Taco.
No, except for Arizona.
And Idaho, I think.
You do it twice a year at Well, Sunday morning.
Not every Saturday.
We all agree on one Saturday.
It's not Idaho.
Indiana.
Oh, you're right.
Guys, I love you and everything, but you all sound super weird right now and kind of stupid.
Daylight savings time does sound stupider than Taco.
All right, boys, who's gonna take Daddy to the prom? Oh, that sounded weirder than I wanted it to.
Hey! Lane? Rodney! Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Good to see you, you little Jew.
So what's up, Lane? I've been battling some pretty serious clinical depression, and, uh, Peter and I had a little bit of a tiff.
Well, Pete's a pickle.
Anyway My mens-only feminist collective is being sued.
Why? We had a male-only Take Back the Night rally.
Some women showed up.
They wanted to participate.
We said, "You can't.
" They didn't go home.
We had to surround them and scream at them, and it got a little physical.
So you've got a good relationship with women.
Are you and your mom close? Yeah, she's a bitch, but I need her.
Okay, well, this has been weird.
You seem like you're in the middle of a manic break.
Now that I'm here, spending time with you, I just want more of that sweet sauce.
How about this weekend? Sweat lodge? Oh, I can't this weekend.
I'm swamped with, uh, spreadsheets and What are these? Oh, those are tickets to the Packers game this weekend.
Oh, well, if you're gonna be working, I'll take them.
No, I if I get all my work done, then I'll probably take a client.
I have to take a client.
I'll go with you guys.
What? I'll do Reiki on you and your client.
Have you, have you had Reiki before? I got a hand job from a subservient Asian girl one time.
This is, uh, more of a barely sexual touching, and I'll do it on you while you drive.
Uh-huh.
Also, it's kismet, because I've been doing a photo essay called "Twinks Love Bears," where I go to Bears games, and I find guys who look gay, and I take their photograph and then I-I put it on my twink blog online.
As enticing as it is, the idea of me driving two hours with your hands hovering over me, the energy of a manic breakdown surrounding me, and then arriving at that game, and you approaching men at a football game telling them you think they're gay and taking their picture with me by your side, I'm gonna have to pass.
I just have too much work to do.
So I'm not gonna be able to go.
I understand, Rodney.
Thank you for the tickets.
I appreciate this.
What? I'm gonna touch your face.
I can't believe you gave up those Packers tickets.
You think my first experience at Lambeau Field was gonna be - with Lane? - Ah, come on, Cleveland! At least make it a game.
A.
J.
Green just sitting on the bench, getting all comfy.
I need those points! And I need you not to get those points, which is why I love garbage time! You just got G.
T.
! Garbage time! Garbage time is the worst.
Those are pathetic points.
Okay, don't insult garbage time.
That is the ethos upon which I have built my life.
It's like, look, you close a deal at 10:30 a.
m.
, rest of the day, garbage time.
Closing time at a bar.
All the girls are drunk.
All the hot guys have gone home.
So it's garbage time.
That's where I excel.
You did.
You landed the drunk girl.
Yeah, marriage is the ultimate garbage time.
You two are just running out the clock together.
That's right.
It's less about scoring at this stage than just, like, trying not to get injured.
We're taking the knee of life, babe.
Hey, what's up, guys? Hi, Andre.
Chilly, Andre? Oh, I'm not Whoa! What? Oh, my God.
I got into a little accident at work with some scalpels.
Really? Or was it your cat, Milady? Okay, it was Milady.
But hear me out, okay? Milady likes to relax at the end of the day and have a little catnip, and I took it away from her too quickly.
It's my fault.
I should've known.
I mean, I shouldn't have taken it away from her until she was done.
Andre, stop.
You are clearly in an abusive relationship-- with your cat, but it's an abusive relationship, though.
I'm not in an abusive relationship.
We love each other, and we have a great relationship.
It's fine.
Whoa.
Why are you guys awake? It's, like, 5:30 in the morning.
What? No, it's 9:30 at night.
Not on Taco Standard Time, it isn't.
Taco Standard Time? What? All this daylight savings stuff is bullshit.
No, no, no one should be telling us what time it is.
We should be deciding for ourselves.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to time.
That doesn't even make any sense.
So I have rolled back my clock 14 hours and 39 minutes.
That doesn't explain at all why you are carrying a toolbox.
When I can't sleep, I fix things in your house.
The drip in the shower, the garbage disposal.
How do you think things get fixed around here? Bruce can't be here all the time.
Whoa, guys, Lane tried to commit suicide.
What? Really? Oh, shit.
Hope it wasn't my turkey wrap.
I just think it's kind of selfish.
Yeah, that's what they say about suicide.
It's very selfish.
No, it's selfish that he took my Packers tickets knowing he was gonna commit suicide and that he wasn't gonna be able to use them.
That's the real issue here.
Exactly.
That was selfish.
Lane! Rodney.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
Mm-hmm.
It's good to see you.
It's good to be touched.
The guys are wondering how you're doing, wondering how we can make you better and wondering where those Packers tickets are.
I was in a pretty dark place, and material possessions ceased to mean anything to me.
I donated all of my carob to an animal shelter.
So that dogs would know what chocolate doesn't taste like.
I gave my Victrola away to a deaf man as a last piece of performance art, and then I prepared to self-slaughter.
I just got to think, before you do the deed, you're like, "I should probably send those Packers tickets back to Ruxin, because I'm not gonna use them.
" Tickets were the last thing on my mind.
You were in garbage time.
You garbage-timed me.
I guess.
It's all in my note.
Huh? I sent you a suicide e-mail.
Did you not get it? Oh, you know what? Your e-mails go to a very specific folder.
Here it is.
Wow, this is 13 pages long? Yeah.
That's the edited version.
You'd think maybe you'd want to focus-group it, show it to a few friends who have committed suicide, see what worked for them, what didn't work Well, I see the issue with that.
You know.
So how's the patient? I see you have visitors today.
Yeah.
I feel melancholic, Dr.
Harvat.
Well, that's much better than when you were first in here.
Great.
Well, we're all good.
Just keep in mind where those tickets went, okay, bud? Okay.
Well, read the note.
Okay, visiting time is over.
I I just have to ask: if you knew you weren't gonna use the tickets, why would you take them? Why would God take my sense of hope? The answer to both questions is in the note.
This is the most inconsiderate suicide attempt I've ever seen.
If this is gonna escalate, let's make it physical.
Wait, what time does your phone say? Mmm Oh, my God! I was supposed to be in court at Why does my clock say 7:43? Oh, God, Lipscombe's gonna kill me.
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! Yeah! What is this? Ah, don't worry about it.
I already changed all the clocks in your house to the correct time: 14 hours and 39 minutes back.
I know, you idiot.
I'm talking about the existing clock fire in my driveway.
Oh, this is a Taco Standard Time tradition.
Spring forward, fire back.
It's "fall back," you ignoramus.
And your version of daylight savings time has existed for 24 hours, so it's not a tradition.
I don't have time for this.
I have to go to work.
But do not burn down my house.
You can't tell me what to do from your time zone.
I don't know where he is.
Did you try his house? Did you try his car? He can sometimes have MacArthur! Um no.
We-- I mean, we can keep going on about this, but it's been a half hour already.
Where the hell were you? You missed the whole deposition! I-I'm sorry.
My clocks were all screwed up because of this TST thing, and TST? Taco Standard Time.
I'm working with this alternate time zone Look, because of you, a career criminal is gonna be back out on the streets.
You messed up this time, MacArthur.
You messed up bad.
I'm sorry, I just I-I have a lot on my plate right now.
Um A friend of mine tried to commit suicide last night.
A friend of yours? Yes.
He tried to slash his wrists several times, and just Oh, God.
What? Oh, God Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Didn't know we were doing that.
Look I've been there.
My fraternity brother, Dan, he tried a couple of times.
My God, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Lipscombe.
Your friend needs you.
Why don't you just take the rest of the day off? What? Oh.
Okay.
Garbage time.
I think I'll have the fajitas, please.
You're ordering already? Yeah, I want to get through this quickly.
Right.
Yeah, I'll have the same.
All right.
Did you read this? Sure, uh, you know, I read, uh the first-first couple of pages, kind of got a sense of it.
What about you? I skimmed it and then read the end.
Good.
What happens? I'm lying to you.
I didn't read it.
I just scanned I-I came down here for you.
I just scanned, looking for my name.
Oh.
Hi, Lane.
Hi.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Rod.
Hey, Lane.
How are we doing? Well, better.
Good! It was dark days for a while, but now On the up and up.
Did you slit your wrists? No, I tried to put heavy rocks in my pockets and wander into Lake Michigan, but the rocks were too heavy and I strained my wrists, so these are supports.
Anyway, I'm doing better.
I started a new business.
I sell fair-trade tampons out of my bike basket.
It's Lane's Lunar Madness for Your Feminine Messes.
Enough about me.
I keep yakking about myself.
Did you guys read it? What I'm dying to hear your thoughts.
Yeah Did we read it? Yes.
I mean, it was obviously very sad, but also We appreciated it wasn't so one-note.
Let's talk specifics.
What did you think about the stuff about my dad? Wow.
Well, that was my favorite part.
That was The presence of your dad obviously That force.
loomed large.
That force.
And I think he regretted a lot of those things he said to you, you know? I never met my dad.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How long did I want the juice cleanse that everyone began at my funeral to last? I mean, you know, it's, uh, standard.
It's a ten typical ten-day I wanted people sick.
You know what? You didn't read it fine.
We're gonna read it now.
You're gonna read this whole thing right now? What, right "A Tale of Insufferable Pain.
As a boy, I expected that my life would be a kaleidoscope-- a beautiful tube in which colors and shapes danced elegantly.
" You're not even reading it.
Do you have this memorized? Yes.
"I worry that I will be hunted like Malcolm X" Looks great.
"In committing suicide, I join my peers: Miles Davis, Pablo Picasso, Golda Meir, Harry Truman" Mm-hmm.
"Jesus Christ" Yeah? "Allah.
And so" Oh.
No.
What are you doing? We're listening.
I know that you said a bunch of names of people who didn't actually commit suicide.
Yeah.
They're my peers spiritually and if you weren't spending all your energy stuffing your face, you would've heard that.
I've seen actual starving people, okay? I've deejayed for them.
You're not starving people.
I'm out of here.
Peter, I will forgive you later.
Rod, I will never forgive you, and if you ever want to see these Green Bay Packer tickets, read the suicide note.
Then we'll talk.
Uh I can't read this note, so you're gonna have to read it, get the tickets and then you can take me to the game.
They're my tickets.
You have to read it.
Okay, maybe I will read it and maybe I'll take Kevin.
Or maybe I'll take Andre.
Or maybe I'll take that cute girl in the cubicle across from me, who hates football.
Challenge accepted.
All right.
Hmm.
Kevin, we need to talk.
What do you want? I lied to you.
These scratches are not from catnip.
The situation with Milady and I has gotten out of hand.
What does this have to do with me? I don't care.
You're the commissioner.
I have to come to you because I need your help.
Did you watch the video I sent? No.
I don't watch any of the videos you send, Andre.
Come on, they're good.
Not after the ALS bucket challenge video.
Do you remember that? I explained that to you.
It was an homage to Silence of the Lambs.
Those children were minors, okay? You could've been arrested.
Okay And then you come back with the "Feeling Nuts" video.
Huh? Well, that was unclear, because I thought you had to grab somebody else's nuts.
You don't go around grabbing people's testicles, Andre! I thought that's how you got them to join in.
I shouldn't have to explain that to you.
Okay, but we raised money.
Just forget it.
What do you want to talk about, Andre? It's security cam footage from an elevator after Milady and I left our pet therapist.
Milady and I have reached a crossroads.
Oh, Milady And I just feel like I want to give up.
I'm done with it, and nothing can stop me now.
I am over.
Oh.
Hi.
Um Mr.
Lipscombe, how are you? Excuse me for butting in.
I'm Gary Lipscombe.
You must be Kevin's friend.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Those look really fresh.
Yeah, it's been a rough couple of nights.
Don't give up.
Easy for you to say.
Okay.
Thank you.
Let's get back to this Okay.
for a second.
Jesus, Lane, come on.
It's impossible.
I'll get that right to you.
Uh, Jeremy.
Yeah? Listen, I gotta reach out to you, man.
I could really use some help.
Okay.
Could you read this and, uh, just tell me what you think about it? Uh sure.
Thank you so much, man.
I just I'm really struggling with this, you know? Okay.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, not a problem.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Wow.
This needs to be handled correctly.
What do we do? Show it to the other guys? Absolutely not.
That would cause them to lose all respect for you, Andre.
And they have such little to begin with now, all right? I think we just pretend that I never saw this.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing.
So, guys, I hear you're having a hard time with the TST conversion, so I got you all Taco Standard Time watches.
From now on, it's Taco clock all the time.
Yeah, I don't want a watch.
Hey, Andre, so listen.
I called the hospital because I've been worried about you.
Me? Dr.
Harvat is here to help you.
As you can see clearly, he's still a danger to himself.
Oh, what are you talking? I'm not, I'm not suicidal.
Hello, Andre.
Hi.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay, but I know it's gonna be okay, I'm fine It will be okay if you come with me.
Yeah, Kevin! Taco! Tell him! I have a good life! Kevin, tell him I have a great life! You do.
We just want you to get the help you need, Andre.
Come on! Come on, please! It's Hilton or Wallace.
Pete? Yeah? Oh, thank God! You're okay.
Listen, Jeremy showed me your suicide note.
Oh, that's not I'm really sorry, Pete, for everything that's going on.
Yeah, it's that I think it would be best if you left work and went home and just took the rest of the day off to kind of get your head together.
And I need you to witness this.
I'm giving you back your property, which was read to but not by me.
You see, there's a, there's a liability issue here.
Company policy stipulates that if an employee's feeling depressed, it's-it's better that they, um, try to get better at home.
So, just to be clear, you-you want me to go home, do absolutely no work for the good of the company? For the good of yourself! And for the good of the company.
You know, from a legal standpoint.
I'm gonna do this for you, Bill.
Thank you.
I'm praying for you, buddy.
In a non-denominational, legally indemnifying way, we all are.
Okay.
Hey, and, um, I read the chapter about your boss, and I need to apologize if I've been overly sexualizing you.
I It's something that happens from time to time.
You're really starting to You know what? Forget it.
Forget it, yeah.
Just en-enjoy yourself and, uh, if I don't see you again Well, okay, then.
Garbage time.
Group, I guess you notice that we have a new face among us.
I want you to welcome Andre.
And please be as supportive as possible because we want to create a safe environment.
First of all, you don't need to create a safe environment because I don't belong here.
Okay? I'm not depressed like you guys, okay? Whoa, wait a minute, now.
That's a judgment, right? So, what do we do with judgments? We take that judgment and we throw it away.
What do we do? Throw it away? All right You're not judging anybody.
Throw it away.
There, I'll throw it, there.
Well, you don't have to throw away two, just one.
Okay, fine, I'll save one for next time, then.
No, you can't do that.
You should pick up that judgment.
It's behind your chair.
I get it I mean, I just thought I thought it was a safe space.
Put it in your pocket.
But then I'm keeping a ju All right.
I'm keeping a judgment, okay.
I don't even know why I'm here.
I have a great life.
I mean, sure, I have a little bit of a gluten allergy.
That's no big deal.
I look for the GF on the menus.
I'm totally fine.
I get you.
I'm sexually super confused, too, and my friends hate me as well.
You don't get me.
I do.
No, you don't.
I do.
Okay, so What did you just throw away there? He doesn't get me.
I threw that away.
That wasn't a judgment.
He's speaking from his heart.
He's calling me names.
What? Don't throw that away! I'm not a name caller.
You are a name caller! Oh! That's a judgment.
We throw that away.
You say it's a safe space, but I don't know what's going on, what I'm throwing away, what I'm getting, all right? And you guys are just all being weird, okay? No! No! No! No! No! No! Hi, Andre.
It's Lane again for the third time.
Are you cutting me out of your life? I had to hear about Ménage à Cinq from a message board.
I could've told you about ménage à cinqs in real life.
I've lived them.
I had a ménage à cinq with four members of Ladysmith Black Mambazo when they played Oberlin.
I'm feeling real vintage-era sadness right now.
Summer-of-'78, Levi-501-style sadness.
I don't know, I don't know.
I got to go.
I've been really focused on getting that spark back with Milady, but she won't meet me halfway.
She doesn't care.
You're always worried about what Milady thinks.
You should start thinking about what Andre thinks.
What am I gonna do-- just let her loose on the street? You know, who's gonna feed her? Whose gonna take care of her? You need to get out of this relationship.
I think you, you have to, like, let go of her.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I need to make decisions for Andre.
And then you no longer open yourself to being hurt by your lady.
And you know what? I'm gonna bring her to that groomer to get her claws trimmed, too.
You mean her fingernails? No, no, no.
Her claws.
You know, she's been scratching me up and down.
You take this catnip away from her and she went nuts.
Those are cat scratches? Yeah, Milady's a cat, my cat.
We sat here and opened up our hearts to you and you're talking about your stupid cat?! Okay, I'm feeling a little bit of judgment.
I heard you talk about all your stupid clothes and your loft and that idiotic cat? No, you can't No.
It goes there.
You're a whiny, superficial, petty little man! I feel very judged here! You are being judged! You are! This suicide note is so dense.
Boarding School Thomas is the same as Semester At Sea Thomas, right? You know, I know everything that's in that note and I didn't even have to read it.
How is that possible? It went viral around my office.
So, everybody's been asking me about my complex relationship with my sister, what happened on the seventh grade field trip Ooh, what did happen on that field trip? You got to keep reading to figure it out.
You'll get there, buddy.
Okay, I need to share something with you guys.
Something that is highly, highly sensitive.
But I feel like it is my duty as commissioner to not mishandle this situation.
Plus, it involves Andre and his cat.
Ooh! Yeah.
Okay, prepare yourselves for this.
Oh, Milady, aren't you? Aw, that's sweet.
Hmm, wait for it.
Oh, oh, God! Oh, Milady! Ooh! Oh, my God.
Wow! Jesus! Oh, my God! Poor Andre.
He's out.
And then the cat just, like, walks over him like nothing happened.
What are we gonna do with this? We got to suspend this cat.
Commissioner, how long have you had this video? I just received this material.
Great answer, Goodell.
How long have you actually had the video? No, I mean, I watched it 500 times, but I just got it.
Hold on a second.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Lane just sent a suicide tweet? "Good-bye, friends.
Hate myself.
Going to end it tonight.
#VerySad, #ForReals.
" Who sends a suicide tweet? We did kind of rib him for how long the suicide note was.
Packers tickets.
I'm gonna go grab something from my car real quick.
Pardon me, Jenny.
Sorry.
No way.
Oh, son of a bitch! I don't think so! Hey, hey! Guys! No, no, no, no, no! So, what do we do now? Do we retweet it? I think we favorite it.
Yeah.
Tonight, Lane, you play panpipes in hell! Hey, Wayne.
Taco? Aw, you like to car-huff, too? Awesome! What are you doing here? We were supposed to hang out this morning! Yeah, it is this morning.
Oh, wait, are you still on that daylight savings shit? No, no, man.
TST is where it's at.
No, this is not a good time.
It's always a good time when you're car-huffing.
All right, let me take a hit.
Oh, yeah! That's some smooth shit.
Oh, I'm getting very lightheaded.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
No, just Oh, sh Oh, shit! Lane! Lane.
Lane, wake up! We read your suicide note! He's not moving.
I think he's dead.
Oh, my God.
Lane? Lane? Oh! Are you stoned? Have you been smoking pot? Yes, Mother.
Found it.
It was under your seat.
What is going on? Taco has agreed to invest in Lane's Lunar Madness.
I gave him $5,000 up front and $40 million in stock options.
Top-shelf sanitation for your monthly menstruation.
Lane, listen, we are so happy that you are still with us.
And you didn't take that ticket up to Heaven Yeah, you still got those tickets to the Packers game.
You know, 'cause I'm free.
And I'm free.
I'll go to breakfast with you beforehand even.
Because Taco has shown such largesse, I've given him one of the tickets.
Yeah, Bears versus Packages, here I come! Now, Peter, we've had our ups and downs lately, but you remain my best friend.
So, you will be going to the game with Taco.
Now, Rodney, I see you there throbbing with Semitic fury.
There's good news for you, too.
You're free Sunday morning.
I'm free Sunday morning.
Boys' brunch-- you and me.
- *** - See what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pouch an egg The only furniture I have is a hammock.
But we can both share that and we'll rock back and forth
Hello? Peter? Hey, it's Lane.
Oh, hey, Lane.
I didn't recognize the number.
I'm calling from a burner.
How are you? I'm good.
How are you? I'm gonna be honest with you, Peter-- lately I've been having a hard time.
Uh It's like the things I used to enjoy, I don't even enjoy anymore.
Hey, Pete, I've got I'm sorry.
My friend Tina last night brought over a bunch of locally sourced farm-to-table cocaine, and I couldn't even find the will to do a line.
Okay.
Sorry.
I've been having a hard time maintaining an erection at art shows, which has never been a problem for me.
My friend Tina won't even invite me to his cuddle parties anymore.
Whatever, he's pretentious, but still, it just feels bad.
My hausfrau quit, so now how am I gonna find someone to clean my house in the traditional Bavarian fashion? I haven't touched my didgeridoo in, like, three and a half Are you chewing? No, no, I'm listening.
Peter, are you eating lunch right now? I'm disrobing my soul, and you're masticating? I'm sorry.
Lunch came and I just wanted to eat it before it got cold.
Well, is it, like, a grilled cheese or shawarma or something? Turkey wrap.
A hot turkey wrap? No.
Damn it, Peter.
I'm sorry! How sorry can you be through a mouthful of Ruffles? No, no, no, I'm hungry sorry.
Now I'm asking you point-blank, please stop eating chips.
Ah, Peter! A turkey wrap? It was sitting right in front of me; I was hungry.
I had my lunch boner.
- You can't just put that away.
- You were in your appetite vinegar strokes.
Oh, God, oh, God, I got to eat! Why do you smell like cat food? I can explain.
I am actually bathing with a cat-food-scented soap.
Why? Because Milady's been very aggressive with me.
She's, like, always attacking me and fighting with me.
It's like Percy Harvin and the Seahawks.
Well, then trade her to the Jets.
We're not gonna trade anyone anywhere, all right? I care about this relationship.
As a matter of fact, we're going to therapy this week.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is a new low for this league.
You know what is not a low for this league? Two tickets, Bears-Packers.
Lambeau Field.
Whoa.
Who are you taking? I mean, I could take you, Pete, or I could take you, Kevin, or I could take you, Andre.
Been willing to bring out my portable crepe machine for a little tailgate.
Or I could take my wife, Sofia, who knows nothing about football, thinks the team name is the Pack Rats.
It really depends on who steps up.
Daddy needs a fresh drink.
Drink for the man, please.
- Can I get a drink over here? - Hey! How long am I gonna have to wait at the movie theater before you guys decide to show up? The movie doesn't start for an hour.
What are you talking about? It's 9:30.
No, it's not.
It's 8:30.
What? No, you forgot about daylight savings time.
What the hell's that? You know, fall backwards, spring forward? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's for the farmers.
The farmers? To help with their crops.
How? I think it's in the daylight and the way the Earth rotates during the winter.
Yeah, so they have more time.
So who does this? Everybody.
Everybody in the country does it, Taco.
No, except for Arizona.
And Idaho, I think.
You do it twice a year at Well, Sunday morning.
Not every Saturday.
We all agree on one Saturday.
It's not Idaho.
Indiana.
Oh, you're right.
Guys, I love you and everything, but you all sound super weird right now and kind of stupid.
Daylight savings time does sound stupider than Taco.
All right, boys, who's gonna take Daddy to the prom? Oh, that sounded weirder than I wanted it to.
Hey! Lane? Rodney! Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Good to see you, you little Jew.
So what's up, Lane? I've been battling some pretty serious clinical depression, and, uh, Peter and I had a little bit of a tiff.
Well, Pete's a pickle.
Anyway My mens-only feminist collective is being sued.
Why? We had a male-only Take Back the Night rally.
Some women showed up.
They wanted to participate.
We said, "You can't.
" They didn't go home.
We had to surround them and scream at them, and it got a little physical.
So you've got a good relationship with women.
Are you and your mom close? Yeah, she's a bitch, but I need her.
Okay, well, this has been weird.
You seem like you're in the middle of a manic break.
Now that I'm here, spending time with you, I just want more of that sweet sauce.
How about this weekend? Sweat lodge? Oh, I can't this weekend.
I'm swamped with, uh, spreadsheets and What are these? Oh, those are tickets to the Packers game this weekend.
Oh, well, if you're gonna be working, I'll take them.
No, I if I get all my work done, then I'll probably take a client.
I have to take a client.
I'll go with you guys.
What? I'll do Reiki on you and your client.
Have you, have you had Reiki before? I got a hand job from a subservient Asian girl one time.
This is, uh, more of a barely sexual touching, and I'll do it on you while you drive.
Uh-huh.
Also, it's kismet, because I've been doing a photo essay called "Twinks Love Bears," where I go to Bears games, and I find guys who look gay, and I take their photograph and then I-I put it on my twink blog online.
As enticing as it is, the idea of me driving two hours with your hands hovering over me, the energy of a manic breakdown surrounding me, and then arriving at that game, and you approaching men at a football game telling them you think they're gay and taking their picture with me by your side, I'm gonna have to pass.
I just have too much work to do.
So I'm not gonna be able to go.
I understand, Rodney.
Thank you for the tickets.
I appreciate this.
What? I'm gonna touch your face.
I can't believe you gave up those Packers tickets.
You think my first experience at Lambeau Field was gonna be - with Lane? - Ah, come on, Cleveland! At least make it a game.
A.
J.
Green just sitting on the bench, getting all comfy.
I need those points! And I need you not to get those points, which is why I love garbage time! You just got G.
T.
! Garbage time! Garbage time is the worst.
Those are pathetic points.
Okay, don't insult garbage time.
That is the ethos upon which I have built my life.
It's like, look, you close a deal at 10:30 a.
m.
, rest of the day, garbage time.
Closing time at a bar.
All the girls are drunk.
All the hot guys have gone home.
So it's garbage time.
That's where I excel.
You did.
You landed the drunk girl.
Yeah, marriage is the ultimate garbage time.
You two are just running out the clock together.
That's right.
It's less about scoring at this stage than just, like, trying not to get injured.
We're taking the knee of life, babe.
Hey, what's up, guys? Hi, Andre.
Chilly, Andre? Oh, I'm not Whoa! What? Oh, my God.
I got into a little accident at work with some scalpels.
Really? Or was it your cat, Milady? Okay, it was Milady.
But hear me out, okay? Milady likes to relax at the end of the day and have a little catnip, and I took it away from her too quickly.
It's my fault.
I should've known.
I mean, I shouldn't have taken it away from her until she was done.
Andre, stop.
You are clearly in an abusive relationship-- with your cat, but it's an abusive relationship, though.
I'm not in an abusive relationship.
We love each other, and we have a great relationship.
It's fine.
Whoa.
Why are you guys awake? It's, like, 5:30 in the morning.
What? No, it's 9:30 at night.
Not on Taco Standard Time, it isn't.
Taco Standard Time? What? All this daylight savings stuff is bullshit.
No, no, no one should be telling us what time it is.
We should be deciding for ourselves.
I'm pro-choice when it comes to time.
That doesn't even make any sense.
So I have rolled back my clock 14 hours and 39 minutes.
That doesn't explain at all why you are carrying a toolbox.
When I can't sleep, I fix things in your house.
The drip in the shower, the garbage disposal.
How do you think things get fixed around here? Bruce can't be here all the time.
Whoa, guys, Lane tried to commit suicide.
What? Really? Oh, shit.
Hope it wasn't my turkey wrap.
I just think it's kind of selfish.
Yeah, that's what they say about suicide.
It's very selfish.
No, it's selfish that he took my Packers tickets knowing he was gonna commit suicide and that he wasn't gonna be able to use them.
That's the real issue here.
Exactly.
That was selfish.
Lane! Rodney.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
Mm-hmm.
It's good to see you.
It's good to be touched.
The guys are wondering how you're doing, wondering how we can make you better and wondering where those Packers tickets are.
I was in a pretty dark place, and material possessions ceased to mean anything to me.
I donated all of my carob to an animal shelter.
So that dogs would know what chocolate doesn't taste like.
I gave my Victrola away to a deaf man as a last piece of performance art, and then I prepared to self-slaughter.
I just got to think, before you do the deed, you're like, "I should probably send those Packers tickets back to Ruxin, because I'm not gonna use them.
" Tickets were the last thing on my mind.
You were in garbage time.
You garbage-timed me.
I guess.
It's all in my note.
Huh? I sent you a suicide e-mail.
Did you not get it? Oh, you know what? Your e-mails go to a very specific folder.
Here it is.
Wow, this is 13 pages long? Yeah.
That's the edited version.
You'd think maybe you'd want to focus-group it, show it to a few friends who have committed suicide, see what worked for them, what didn't work Well, I see the issue with that.
You know.
So how's the patient? I see you have visitors today.
Yeah.
I feel melancholic, Dr.
Harvat.
Well, that's much better than when you were first in here.
Great.
Well, we're all good.
Just keep in mind where those tickets went, okay, bud? Okay.
Well, read the note.
Okay, visiting time is over.
I I just have to ask: if you knew you weren't gonna use the tickets, why would you take them? Why would God take my sense of hope? The answer to both questions is in the note.
This is the most inconsiderate suicide attempt I've ever seen.
If this is gonna escalate, let's make it physical.
Wait, what time does your phone say? Mmm Oh, my God! I was supposed to be in court at Why does my clock say 7:43? Oh, God, Lipscombe's gonna kill me.
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! Yeah! What is this? Ah, don't worry about it.
I already changed all the clocks in your house to the correct time: 14 hours and 39 minutes back.
I know, you idiot.
I'm talking about the existing clock fire in my driveway.
Oh, this is a Taco Standard Time tradition.
Spring forward, fire back.
It's "fall back," you ignoramus.
And your version of daylight savings time has existed for 24 hours, so it's not a tradition.
I don't have time for this.
I have to go to work.
But do not burn down my house.
You can't tell me what to do from your time zone.
I don't know where he is.
Did you try his house? Did you try his car? He can sometimes have MacArthur! Um no.
We-- I mean, we can keep going on about this, but it's been a half hour already.
Where the hell were you? You missed the whole deposition! I-I'm sorry.
My clocks were all screwed up because of this TST thing, and TST? Taco Standard Time.
I'm working with this alternate time zone Look, because of you, a career criminal is gonna be back out on the streets.
You messed up this time, MacArthur.
You messed up bad.
I'm sorry, I just I-I have a lot on my plate right now.
Um A friend of mine tried to commit suicide last night.
A friend of yours? Yes.
He tried to slash his wrists several times, and just Oh, God.
What? Oh, God Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Didn't know we were doing that.
Look I've been there.
My fraternity brother, Dan, he tried a couple of times.
My God, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Lipscombe.
Your friend needs you.
Why don't you just take the rest of the day off? What? Oh.
Okay.
Garbage time.
I think I'll have the fajitas, please.
You're ordering already? Yeah, I want to get through this quickly.
Right.
Yeah, I'll have the same.
All right.
Did you read this? Sure, uh, you know, I read, uh the first-first couple of pages, kind of got a sense of it.
What about you? I skimmed it and then read the end.
Good.
What happens? I'm lying to you.
I didn't read it.
I just scanned I-I came down here for you.
I just scanned, looking for my name.
Oh.
Hi, Lane.
Hi.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Rod.
Hey, Lane.
How are we doing? Well, better.
Good! It was dark days for a while, but now On the up and up.
Did you slit your wrists? No, I tried to put heavy rocks in my pockets and wander into Lake Michigan, but the rocks were too heavy and I strained my wrists, so these are supports.
Anyway, I'm doing better.
I started a new business.
I sell fair-trade tampons out of my bike basket.
It's Lane's Lunar Madness for Your Feminine Messes.
Enough about me.
I keep yakking about myself.
Did you guys read it? What I'm dying to hear your thoughts.
Yeah Did we read it? Yes.
I mean, it was obviously very sad, but also We appreciated it wasn't so one-note.
Let's talk specifics.
What did you think about the stuff about my dad? Wow.
Well, that was my favorite part.
That was The presence of your dad obviously That force.
loomed large.
That force.
And I think he regretted a lot of those things he said to you, you know? I never met my dad.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How long did I want the juice cleanse that everyone began at my funeral to last? I mean, you know, it's, uh, standard.
It's a ten typical ten-day I wanted people sick.
You know what? You didn't read it fine.
We're gonna read it now.
You're gonna read this whole thing right now? What, right "A Tale of Insufferable Pain.
As a boy, I expected that my life would be a kaleidoscope-- a beautiful tube in which colors and shapes danced elegantly.
" You're not even reading it.
Do you have this memorized? Yes.
"I worry that I will be hunted like Malcolm X" Looks great.
"In committing suicide, I join my peers: Miles Davis, Pablo Picasso, Golda Meir, Harry Truman" Mm-hmm.
"Jesus Christ" Yeah? "Allah.
And so" Oh.
No.
What are you doing? We're listening.
I know that you said a bunch of names of people who didn't actually commit suicide.
Yeah.
They're my peers spiritually and if you weren't spending all your energy stuffing your face, you would've heard that.
I've seen actual starving people, okay? I've deejayed for them.
You're not starving people.
I'm out of here.
Peter, I will forgive you later.
Rod, I will never forgive you, and if you ever want to see these Green Bay Packer tickets, read the suicide note.
Then we'll talk.
Uh I can't read this note, so you're gonna have to read it, get the tickets and then you can take me to the game.
They're my tickets.
You have to read it.
Okay, maybe I will read it and maybe I'll take Kevin.
Or maybe I'll take Andre.
Or maybe I'll take that cute girl in the cubicle across from me, who hates football.
Challenge accepted.
All right.
Hmm.
Kevin, we need to talk.
What do you want? I lied to you.
These scratches are not from catnip.
The situation with Milady and I has gotten out of hand.
What does this have to do with me? I don't care.
You're the commissioner.
I have to come to you because I need your help.
Did you watch the video I sent? No.
I don't watch any of the videos you send, Andre.
Come on, they're good.
Not after the ALS bucket challenge video.
Do you remember that? I explained that to you.
It was an homage to Silence of the Lambs.
Those children were minors, okay? You could've been arrested.
Okay And then you come back with the "Feeling Nuts" video.
Huh? Well, that was unclear, because I thought you had to grab somebody else's nuts.
You don't go around grabbing people's testicles, Andre! I thought that's how you got them to join in.
I shouldn't have to explain that to you.
Okay, but we raised money.
Just forget it.
What do you want to talk about, Andre? It's security cam footage from an elevator after Milady and I left our pet therapist.
Milady and I have reached a crossroads.
Oh, Milady And I just feel like I want to give up.
I'm done with it, and nothing can stop me now.
I am over.
Oh.
Hi.
Um Mr.
Lipscombe, how are you? Excuse me for butting in.
I'm Gary Lipscombe.
You must be Kevin's friend.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Those look really fresh.
Yeah, it's been a rough couple of nights.
Don't give up.
Easy for you to say.
Okay.
Thank you.
Let's get back to this Okay.
for a second.
Jesus, Lane, come on.
It's impossible.
I'll get that right to you.
Uh, Jeremy.
Yeah? Listen, I gotta reach out to you, man.
I could really use some help.
Okay.
Could you read this and, uh, just tell me what you think about it? Uh sure.
Thank you so much, man.
I just I'm really struggling with this, you know? Okay.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, not a problem.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Wow.
This needs to be handled correctly.
What do we do? Show it to the other guys? Absolutely not.
That would cause them to lose all respect for you, Andre.
And they have such little to begin with now, all right? I think we just pretend that I never saw this.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing.
So, guys, I hear you're having a hard time with the TST conversion, so I got you all Taco Standard Time watches.
From now on, it's Taco clock all the time.
Yeah, I don't want a watch.
Hey, Andre, so listen.
I called the hospital because I've been worried about you.
Me? Dr.
Harvat is here to help you.
As you can see clearly, he's still a danger to himself.
Oh, what are you talking? I'm not, I'm not suicidal.
Hello, Andre.
Hi.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay, but I know it's gonna be okay, I'm fine It will be okay if you come with me.
Yeah, Kevin! Taco! Tell him! I have a good life! Kevin, tell him I have a great life! You do.
We just want you to get the help you need, Andre.
Come on! Come on, please! It's Hilton or Wallace.
Pete? Yeah? Oh, thank God! You're okay.
Listen, Jeremy showed me your suicide note.
Oh, that's not I'm really sorry, Pete, for everything that's going on.
Yeah, it's that I think it would be best if you left work and went home and just took the rest of the day off to kind of get your head together.
And I need you to witness this.
I'm giving you back your property, which was read to but not by me.
You see, there's a, there's a liability issue here.
Company policy stipulates that if an employee's feeling depressed, it's-it's better that they, um, try to get better at home.
So, just to be clear, you-you want me to go home, do absolutely no work for the good of the company? For the good of yourself! And for the good of the company.
You know, from a legal standpoint.
I'm gonna do this for you, Bill.
Thank you.
I'm praying for you, buddy.
In a non-denominational, legally indemnifying way, we all are.
Okay.
Hey, and, um, I read the chapter about your boss, and I need to apologize if I've been overly sexualizing you.
I It's something that happens from time to time.
You're really starting to You know what? Forget it.
Forget it, yeah.
Just en-enjoy yourself and, uh, if I don't see you again Well, okay, then.
Garbage time.
Group, I guess you notice that we have a new face among us.
I want you to welcome Andre.
And please be as supportive as possible because we want to create a safe environment.
First of all, you don't need to create a safe environment because I don't belong here.
Okay? I'm not depressed like you guys, okay? Whoa, wait a minute, now.
That's a judgment, right? So, what do we do with judgments? We take that judgment and we throw it away.
What do we do? Throw it away? All right You're not judging anybody.
Throw it away.
There, I'll throw it, there.
Well, you don't have to throw away two, just one.
Okay, fine, I'll save one for next time, then.
No, you can't do that.
You should pick up that judgment.
It's behind your chair.
I get it I mean, I just thought I thought it was a safe space.
Put it in your pocket.
But then I'm keeping a ju All right.
I'm keeping a judgment, okay.
I don't even know why I'm here.
I have a great life.
I mean, sure, I have a little bit of a gluten allergy.
That's no big deal.
I look for the GF on the menus.
I'm totally fine.
I get you.
I'm sexually super confused, too, and my friends hate me as well.
You don't get me.
I do.
No, you don't.
I do.
Okay, so What did you just throw away there? He doesn't get me.
I threw that away.
That wasn't a judgment.
He's speaking from his heart.
He's calling me names.
What? Don't throw that away! I'm not a name caller.
You are a name caller! Oh! That's a judgment.
We throw that away.
You say it's a safe space, but I don't know what's going on, what I'm throwing away, what I'm getting, all right? And you guys are just all being weird, okay? No! No! No! No! No! No! Hi, Andre.
It's Lane again for the third time.
Are you cutting me out of your life? I had to hear about Ménage à Cinq from a message board.
I could've told you about ménage à cinqs in real life.
I've lived them.
I had a ménage à cinq with four members of Ladysmith Black Mambazo when they played Oberlin.
I'm feeling real vintage-era sadness right now.
Summer-of-'78, Levi-501-style sadness.
I don't know, I don't know.
I got to go.
I've been really focused on getting that spark back with Milady, but she won't meet me halfway.
She doesn't care.
You're always worried about what Milady thinks.
You should start thinking about what Andre thinks.
What am I gonna do-- just let her loose on the street? You know, who's gonna feed her? Whose gonna take care of her? You need to get out of this relationship.
I think you, you have to, like, let go of her.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I need to make decisions for Andre.
And then you no longer open yourself to being hurt by your lady.
And you know what? I'm gonna bring her to that groomer to get her claws trimmed, too.
You mean her fingernails? No, no, no.
Her claws.
You know, she's been scratching me up and down.
You take this catnip away from her and she went nuts.
Those are cat scratches? Yeah, Milady's a cat, my cat.
We sat here and opened up our hearts to you and you're talking about your stupid cat?! Okay, I'm feeling a little bit of judgment.
I heard you talk about all your stupid clothes and your loft and that idiotic cat? No, you can't No.
It goes there.
You're a whiny, superficial, petty little man! I feel very judged here! You are being judged! You are! This suicide note is so dense.
Boarding School Thomas is the same as Semester At Sea Thomas, right? You know, I know everything that's in that note and I didn't even have to read it.
How is that possible? It went viral around my office.
So, everybody's been asking me about my complex relationship with my sister, what happened on the seventh grade field trip Ooh, what did happen on that field trip? You got to keep reading to figure it out.
You'll get there, buddy.
Okay, I need to share something with you guys.
Something that is highly, highly sensitive.
But I feel like it is my duty as commissioner to not mishandle this situation.
Plus, it involves Andre and his cat.
Ooh! Yeah.
Okay, prepare yourselves for this.
Oh, Milady, aren't you? Aw, that's sweet.
Hmm, wait for it.
Oh, oh, God! Oh, Milady! Ooh! Oh, my God.
Wow! Jesus! Oh, my God! Poor Andre.
He's out.
And then the cat just, like, walks over him like nothing happened.
What are we gonna do with this? We got to suspend this cat.
Commissioner, how long have you had this video? I just received this material.
Great answer, Goodell.
How long have you actually had the video? No, I mean, I watched it 500 times, but I just got it.
Hold on a second.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Lane just sent a suicide tweet? "Good-bye, friends.
Hate myself.
Going to end it tonight.
#VerySad, #ForReals.
" Who sends a suicide tweet? We did kind of rib him for how long the suicide note was.
Packers tickets.
I'm gonna go grab something from my car real quick.
Pardon me, Jenny.
Sorry.
No way.
Oh, son of a bitch! I don't think so! Hey, hey! Guys! No, no, no, no, no! So, what do we do now? Do we retweet it? I think we favorite it.
Yeah.
Tonight, Lane, you play panpipes in hell! Hey, Wayne.
Taco? Aw, you like to car-huff, too? Awesome! What are you doing here? We were supposed to hang out this morning! Yeah, it is this morning.
Oh, wait, are you still on that daylight savings shit? No, no, man.
TST is where it's at.
No, this is not a good time.
It's always a good time when you're car-huffing.
All right, let me take a hit.
Oh, yeah! That's some smooth shit.
Oh, I'm getting very lightheaded.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
No, just Oh, sh Oh, shit! Lane! Lane.
Lane, wake up! We read your suicide note! He's not moving.
I think he's dead.
Oh, my God.
Lane? Lane? Oh! Are you stoned? Have you been smoking pot? Yes, Mother.
Found it.
It was under your seat.
What is going on? Taco has agreed to invest in Lane's Lunar Madness.
I gave him $5,000 up front and $40 million in stock options.
Top-shelf sanitation for your monthly menstruation.
Lane, listen, we are so happy that you are still with us.
And you didn't take that ticket up to Heaven Yeah, you still got those tickets to the Packers game.
You know, 'cause I'm free.
And I'm free.
I'll go to breakfast with you beforehand even.
Because Taco has shown such largesse, I've given him one of the tickets.
Yeah, Bears versus Packages, here I come! Now, Peter, we've had our ups and downs lately, but you remain my best friend.
So, you will be going to the game with Taco.
Now, Rodney, I see you there throbbing with Semitic fury.
There's good news for you, too.
You're free Sunday morning.
I'm free Sunday morning.
Boys' brunch-- you and me.
- *** - See what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pouch an egg The only furniture I have is a hammock.
But we can both share that and we'll rock back and forth