The Mindy Project s06e09 Episode Script

1 Man, I dread these chemotherapy mornings.
Especially since you told me Nurse Chris was gay.
- I thought he was flirting with me.
- Well, you know what? Why don't we give you something to look forward to? After chemo, I'm gonna treat you to some ice cream-o.
Oh, rum raisin, here I come.
Aw, please get a flavor that I like.
You know I'm gonna end up eating most of it, anyway.
Traditore.
Danny, what are you doing here? - Tratidore.
- What does that mean? It's Italian for traitor.
Mindy, how could you? Hiding my mother's own cancer diagnosis from me? - Are you kidding me? - Hey, hey, keep it down.
For the record, it is not my fault.
She made me promise not to tell you.
What? Promise not to tell me? That's nuts.
We tell each other everything.
We're best friends.
I write you a letter every night.
It's a lot.
And I appreciate it.
Oh, sweetie, it's just that I know how you get.
How I get? How I get? What the hell does that mean? It means that you go psycho over the smallest things.
For instance, how long have you been waiting here to pounce on us? Not long.
A couple hours.
I organized your books.
I did my sit-ups.
I'm cool.
Oh, sweetheart.
Honey, I just didn't want you to worry.
We're both so sorry.
Ma, you I forgive.
You're being stoic to protect your baby.
You, on the other hand, unforgivablio.
- I don't think that's Italian.
- Ma, from now on, I'm taking you to chemo.
Me and you.
And then we're going to church to pray.
And we're gonna ask the Holy Ghost to knock some sense into this one.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Hey, Dr.
C.
How's it going? - Fine, Tamra.
- Oh, hey, Danny.
- Long time no see.
- Hi, Jody.
How's it going? Danny, what a treat.
Shall I make you a cup of lapsang souchong? - No, absolutely not.
- Dr.
C.
, so great to see you.
Okay, you I barely know.
Look, everyone, I don't have time for the individual pleasantries.
I'm in a bad mood.
Don't take it personally.
It's like at the Oscars, when you acknowledge your family and the Academy, goodbye.
- Let's go, Ma.
- Oh, my God.
My favorite man.
Let me see those smackers.
Oh, yeah.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
Uh, Morgan, I don't have time right now.
Uh, I just need 90 minutes.
I'll give you 15 seconds.
- 15 seconds? - Yeah.
Okay, uh, I'm blanking.
Did you see "Wonder Woman?" I didn't see it.
What happens? No spoilers.
We're pregnant and getting married.
God bless.
Let's go, Ma.
- Salud.
- But that wasn't it.
That wasn't Damn it.
It's good to see him.
[THEME MUSIC.]
ANNA: Everyone, I am so excited to announce that I will be hosting Tamra's "braby" shower.
Oh "Braby" is a fun portmanteau word combining two ideas.
Oh.
What? Guys, it's a bridal and baby shower.
- Isn't that hella sweet? - Aww.
It is so inspiring to have a female doctor - that I can look up to.
- Oh.
Hey, hey.
Tamra, what the hell? I hired you, okay? I was the one that introduced you to your probably first husband.
Also, I'm planning your baby shower.
Guys, I have rented a room in the Rainforest Café.
We're gonna be doing a screening of "Boss Baby.
" If they can hook up a TV.
They have yet to call me back.
Hey, we love you so much.
We're so grateful for you.
But Dr.
Z is a little classier and wealthier.
- [SLAPS.]
- Oh, oh! It's settled.
Anna will host the braby shower.
Mindy, you can host something else.
You know, I recently got my citizenship.
What? You're a citizen? What about our wall? Oh, no, no, no.
- I have a quick announcement.
- Please.
Pardon me.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I've met a woman, I've fallen in love, and we're moving to Africa together.
Colette is coming with us.
- It's true.
- Bye.
- Um - Huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? - Jody? - Now? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're leaving? This is the single most irresponsible thing I've ever heard.
And I work here.
- With her.
- Yeah, with me.
What I thought you'd be happy for me.
I finally met an accomplished, age-appropriate woman.
She even remembers "Dukes of Hazzard.
" You all thought that was some racist fever dream I had.
Tamra and Morgan are going on their honeymoon to Essence Fest and then Tamra is going on maternity leave.
Without Colette, we'll have no nurses.
Oh, well, these are just the sorts of small logistical issues that you smart Ivy Leaguers can figure out all by yourselves.
You were fine before we got here.
You'll be fine after we leave.
This is reprehensible.
Okay, the office is under financial strain as it is.
You know, this is last year's stethoscope.
Everyone has noticed.
Jeremy, I don't want to leave on these terms.
What if a hippo snaps me in half, and my last thought is how I left things with you? Well then, that's between you and your hippo.
I can't believe I once gave a pint of my own blood for you to fail a paternity test.
Ladies.
I don't know, Morgan.
I'm torn.
Part of me is really happy for Jody.
You know, for maturing and finally finding someone.
But I'm gonna miss him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Dr.
L, I will never leave this practice.
I don't have a lot of options 'cause of my criminal record and personality, etcuh etcuh.
That didn't make me feel much better.
- Sorry.
- [MESSAGE ALERT RINGS.]
Oh, it's from Annette.
ANNETTE: Chemo is at 3:00.
Can you bring the next "Gilmore Girls" DVD? I hope Rory gets into her study abroad.
MINDY: Is that a good idea? Danny seemed pretty adamant that I stay out of it.
His "Mindy" vein was popping.
The bad one in his forehead, not the good one.
ANNETTE: Gross.
But I want you to be there.
He's just gonna have to deal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I'll be there.
With Lorelai and Rory and Luke and all the other quirky white people.
[COMPUTER CHIMES.]
Hey, what's the name of the country we're going to? I couldn't find it on a map.
Oh, the names and borders keep changing because of warlord this and coup that.
I know the flag always has a gun on it.
Boy, the Kimball-Kinneys - love adventure, don't we? - Yeah.
Bonjour, everyone.
Welcome to orientation and to a new chapter in your life.
All brought to you by Médecins Sur Le Front.
NARRATOR: Welcome, mes amis, to Physicians on the Front.
- [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS.]
- [SAFARI MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hey.
I just wanna say I'm so sorry about earlier, and I think it's really cool that you reconsidered.
I didn't.
Ma insisted, and I didn't want to argue with a cancer patient, okay? The focus here is cancer, not these petty fights.
This is about cancer.
Okay, I think you used that word a lot.
- What word? Cancer? - Yes, Cancer.
[SHUSHES.]
And I just think it might be kind of a bummer for her to have - to hear it over and over again.
- It is a bummer.
It's cancer.
Now, look, when we get inside, let me handle things.
My ma, my rules.
I don't tell your ma to make globbity gloop.
- That's pretty offensive.
- I'm sorry, I can't learn every name of every food in the world.
My ma has cancer.
NARRATOR: And together, we can tell violence and famine Au revoir.
[APPLAUSE.]
After surveying hundreds of health professionals on their return from Physicians on the Front, we have narrowed their experience into some pros and cons.
Pro: Helping the less fortunate.
That sounds nice.
Con: Disease.
Con: Kidnapping.
Con: Child soldiers.
Con: No Internet access.
Con: A sense of existential ennui.
Oui, in the front.
Are you going back to the pro list? Oh, oui, uh I think we've covered it.
Con: Deadly bugs.
Con: No Christmas.
Previously on "The Gilmore Girls.
" Rory wants to study art history abroad in Paris.
I hope it happens.
She's so talented - at her water colors.
- No, no, no.
She should stay in Stars Hollow and do bookkeeping.
That's what I did.
- And I had a good enough life.
- Tell you one thing.
Rory's grandmother agrees with you.
But Lorelai has different ideas.
And we're gonna find out exactly what they are.
Sir, if you stand any closer, you're gonna have to buy me dinner.
Are you sure you got the proportions right? - You went awfully fast.
- No, sir.
I've only been doing this for ten years.
Five in the military.
Well, thank you for your service.
But I don't like your attitude.
I don't like your tone at all.
Danny, don't bother him.
He knows what he's doing.
I don't know this guy.
He could be a serial killer.
He's not a serial killer, Danny.
It's Nurse Chris.
But where's the oncologist? I mean, does Dr.
Richlin ever show up? Or do the three of you decide what the treatment's gonna be over junk food and chick flicks? Danny, settle down.
Danny, everything's fine, okay? And I frankly don't think it's helpful for you to tell people how to do their jobs.
Everything's not fine here.
Okay, Mindy? Why are you even here in the first place? Okay, look.
You're upset.
Your mom's sick, I understand.
So, I I'm just gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
DOT: Nice going.
Now you put a damper on "Gilmore Girls.
" I mean, can you believe that Danny would say that to me? Words cannot express No, reaction GIFs Cannot express how hurtful it was.
I'm sorry, can I have my coffee cake back now? No, Anna, no.
Ooh, just who I wanted to see.
Morgan and Tamra are stuck at the hospital.
It's on lockdown.
Something about a body walking out of the morgue.
Anyway, I thought us three could discuss a joint wedding gift for them.
A group gift? That's great.
The easiest way to cheap out.
Are we talking Tamra- Morgan wedding gifts? I thought we could all go in on something they really need.
Like a buffalo head for the nursery.
Did someone hear something? It's like the brittle squeak of a former friend.
Oh, I see.
You're pretending not to hear me.
- Very mature.
- No, it's lt's still there.
Oh, we'll get an exterminator.
Anyway, anyway, um, I thought us three loyal doctors could split a gift together.
I do like the idea of going in on a gift without the taint of betrayal.
If you guys feel really strongly, then I think that's what we should do.
And Jody can just figure out his own gift.
Great, it's settled.
The three of us will split a vintage chaise longue from the home of Wallis Simpson.
I already ordered it.
It didn't fit in our apartment.
Fine, I'll buy the buffalo head myself.
Probably have to be a smaller animal, but that mounted muskrat will come from the heart.
[SIGHS.]
I mean, he hates it when we commandeer two tables during rush hour.
No, he only hated it that one time I don't get this show.
Why do they gotta talk so fast? Any time anything happens, someone's got a little remark.
[SHUSHES.]
That's called good writing.
You want good writing? Let me show you "JAG" sometime.
You are not much fun to watch this with.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I'm glad you turned it off.
Now we can focus on why we're here.
Cancer.
Breast cancer.
Ma, I can't believe the breast that gave me life is now trying to take yours.
Danny, you gotta pull it together.
You're really bumming everybody out.
Hey, Ma, you wanna see some pictures on my phone? - Yes.
- I was in Miami.
- Yeah? - It was leather week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't show her that.
Come on, those guys are too hot.
She needs to stay calm, okay? And we need to focus.
Okay, Ma, you can't win a battle without a good battle plan.
Any good general will tell you that.
Okay, fine.
What's the battle plan, Custer? A book called "Curing Cancer Through Prayer and Healthy Eating.
" Now, I thought I'd read aloud from it during each of these sessions to soothe and inspire you.
"Introduction.
The Lord is our savior.
"Could he also be our nutritionist? "Over the next 500 pages, "I'll attempt to answer that question.
" Just do it, Morgan.
I'm sorry, you want me to shoot you in the foot? I have terrible aim.
Think about our bathroom floor.
Look, if you don't shoot me, I'm gonna have to go to the dysentery capital of the world.
And they don't have cable, WNBA, or lesbians.
Why can't you just tell your brother you don't wanna go? Jody won't understand.
We have never been apart in our entire life.
This way I can stay here and neither one of us have to get hurt.
Well, except for my foot.
Okay, look, I love the easy way out.
I cut holes in all my underwear, front and back.
But you need to talk to your - Morgan, what - [GUNSHOT.]
- Oh, oh, oh! - [SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God! Ah, ah, ah! The next smoothie recipe is blueberry blast.
Blueberries, almond butter A-gave? - Kale, banana, fresh yogurt - All right, stop.
Please, stop reading me these recipes.
Okay, that's fair enough.
All right, what do you guys wanna talk about to get your mind off cancer? Well, Mindy always brought fun stuff to read.
Like celebrity gossip magazines or her neighbor's mail.
You got any fun things? You know any celebrity gossip? Oh.
Uh, Sinatra supposedly had a thing with Nancy Reagan.
- I don't believe it.
- That stunk.
You know what? Why don't we let Richie talk? So Richie, how are things in LA? Um, they're not that great, Ma.
Uh, I didn't get cast on "Survivor.
" Again.
And that was That was really plan A.
Uh, I was hoping maybe I could get $20, $25 grand just to hold me over until next year's castings of "Survivor.
" Let's talk about that later.
You know what I'd like? I would love one of those - cupcakes that Mindy made.
- I threw those out.
But I got you something better than cupcakes.
Jicama.
All the crunch of apple with the taste of air.
- Okay, out.
- What? Out.
Look, I love you.
And I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're the worst part of chemo.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Go.
Richie, let me see the Miami pictures.
- Come on.
- RICHIE: This is Rudy.
That's Raul.
That's the, uh That's the belt you gave me for Christmas.
DOT: I didn't know you could do that with a belt.
- RICHIE: They're twins.
- DOT: Oh, aren't they they're ANNETTE: Oh, my.
Hola, señor.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Dr.
Lahiri? Uh, I'm Dr.
Lahiri.
Wait, did you just think I was a male Hispanic janitor? Yes, but only because of your build and the fact that you were rooting around in that trash bin.
Okay, earlier, I threw out a donut to prove that I could take a bite and leave it.
And now that I've done that, I want the donut.
Mary Hernandez.
Jody's girlfriend.
Wow, I'm so excited to meet you.
Jody usually only dates jailbait.
We're talking super young, super tight, legal, but barely.
And like You know what? I think that's That's probably all I needed to hear.
I actually came to talk to you.
I hear that you and the other doctors are giving Jody a hard time about leaving for Africa.
Yeah, Mary.
We are.
To be honest, he's really screwing us over.
And aren't you moving kinda fast? Jody took longer to pick a new haberdasher.
Well, I think that our relationship has been really good for Jody.
He's evolving.
He hardly ever calls me Colette when he tells me he loves me.
We We We just bought a mosquito net for two.
He keeps a locket of my hair in his pocket watch.
So, you guys are pretty serious, huh? Yeah, I mean We're in love.
Well, I thought that I could come here and convince you.
Obviously, I can't.
But, uh, I tried.
Nice meeting you.
There you are.
MORGAN: An automatic dog feeder? Oh, yes! Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Babe, you have really outdone yourself.
I mean, this truly is the perfect blend of a baby and a bridal shower.
And the baby bottles filled with rosé were a sparkling touch.
Oh, Jody came.
The gall.
Hello, Jeremy.
Where do we put gifts? I wonder if anyone will "ferret" out what I got the happy couple.
Anna, keep a lookout for party crashers.
I believe the Ghost of Friendships Past is in the area.
Look, I brought Dr.
Montpellier, the head of our program, to explain to you how important our work is.
Thank you for having me.
Where I work, there is such high infant and bridal mortality that such a party would be impossible.
Now I hear two ghosts.
Maybe we should call a Ghostbuster.
- Jeremy - Jeremy.
- Oh, Anna - Thank you for coming.
Oh, my Colette.
My darling.
What happened to your perfect foot? Oh, bad news.
I lost a toe in an accident.
Dropped a hockey skate right on top of it.
- Oh.
- Clean cut.
Well, I guess I'm not gonna be able to go - to Physicians on the Front.
- Oh, no.
And you were so excited too.
No, I have great news for you, ma chérie.
It is not a problem.
Many of our physicians and nurses suffer injuries and continue to be a valuable part of our program.
- There you go.
- Well, hah, that's That's great news.
But how many toes would it take to get out of the program? We have a doctor who is just a torso in a wheelbarrow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, all right.
That's it.
I ain't going on this trip.
Colette, I am shocked.
Why wouldn't you want to accompany your older brother on a perilous medical trip to be with the woman he loves? Well, at least one Kimball-Kinney has a sense of loyalty to Shulman's.
Nah, it's more like hatred of travel mixed with mild xenophobia.
How does it feel, Jody? Enjoying the salty aftertaste of betrayal? No, I am not.
It seems everyone I know is against me going, and now even my own sister thinks it's a bad idea.
I suppose Dr.
Hernandez and I can just part ways.
It's only three years and half a world away.
- We can survive that.
- Oh no, she will be mine by then.
- God.
- Dr.
K I know you value my opinion above everyone else's.
And I am glad you're staying.
But just so we're clear, we already gave up your seat at the wedding.
But you're welcome to come - to the endless church part.
- But not the food part.
Excuse me.
You know it's a big deal if I'm willing to step away from the fondue station to say something.
- Yeah, you finished it.
It's all gone.
- It's not pouring out, but you can still scrape at it.
- Sorry.
- The point is, yes, it's really annoying that Jody is leaving us right when he stopped being a huge sexist and he got his drinking relatively under control.
Well, that's about to end.
Thank you.
But I don't think there is a single person in our office who hasn't sacrificed everything for true love.
There's Morgan and Tamra, or Jeremy and Anna.
Or Beverly and the Green River Killer.
Hell, what about me? I moved to Haiti, I chopped off all my hair, there was that one time - I married a nurse.
- What's wrong with that? And let's face it, guys.
We're all sappy romantics.
And we turned Jody into one too.
So I don't think we can stop him from going.
Mindy's right.
People told me I was crazy when I moved in with a straight man who owns espadrilles, but it was the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you, Mindy.
I'm always shocked when you make a coherent point without a mouth full of food.
You're welcome.
What do you say, Jeremy? Can we part ways as friends? I cannot.
Enjoy the pregnancy stretch mark creams, Tamra.
They've worked wonders for my thighs.
Jeremy.
Jeremy.
Remember, this is the happiest you will be - for quite some time.
- Oh, my God.
ANNETTE: Danny, you haven't said a word all night.
DANNY: Ma, do you know how embarrassing it was to be thrown out of my old hospital? You know who gets thrown out of hospitals? Baby kidnappers.
Drug addicts.
The occasional Make-A-Wish celebrity who's too drunk.
- Look, I love you.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
But you are not good in a crisis.
Not good in a crisis? What are you talking about? I deliver babies every day.
I Heimlich'd a pilot on an airplane.
Everyone clapped.
They gave me a pin, Ma.
Yeah, well, you're a wonderful doctor.
When the patient isn't your mother.
With me, you're a bit too intense.
Too intense? My ma is sick.
I would never forgive myself if I didn't spend every waking hour worrying about it, making sure everybody else was worrying about it too.
You see, that was very intense.
- Who are you shouting at? - I don't know.
I don't know, Ma.
The cancer, I guess.
The fact that you worked hard your whole life and this is what you get? That I can't do anything to stop it.
I don't know.
It's just It's unfair.
It's unfair.
It is.
But, look.
We don't need to make our own storm clouds.
God does that.
I need more rays of light.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
JODY: So, you really shot off your toe to get out of going with me? Well, Daddy would have been proud.
That's how he got out of Vietnam.
Oh, oh, good.
I was so worried you were gonna be mad.
I was.
But now I'm more sad than anything.
I'm sad that we're gonna be apart.
I remember from the moment you were born, I thought, "This little baby's gonna be my best friend.
" And that got weird sometimes.
Like when I came back from college every time you lost a tooth so I could be the tooth fairy.
- That was you? - Yeah.
I still have the teeth, too.
I'm gonna miss you too.
But I'm really proud of what you're doing.
Well, that means a lot.
Say, now that Morgan's getting married, you're gonna need a place to live.
Dr.
L said I could sleep on the floor of her kitchen if I cook and clean for her.
Like Cinderella, she said.
Why don't you just live here? I didn't renovate a 17-room townhouse so some Russian billionaire's daughter can live in it while she interns at "The Daily Show.
" [EXHALES.]
Oh, my God.
Me? Living here? [LAUGHS.]
I'll be, like, the only lesbian on the Upper East Side.
I am going to clean up.
I expect you will, Colette.
Well, apart from Jody's emotional detour and Mindy burning her breasts in the fondue pot, I thought that was a pretty successful braby shower.
Huh.
Oh, really? I don't.
I think you ruined my party.
I assumed it was going to get ruined, but not by you.
When I first left for America, Father didn't talk to me for 20 years.
The Reed family holds grudges for generations.
I'm just getting started.
You need to calm down, Jeremy.
- We can find another doctor.
- Yeah, fine.
But how am I gonna find another Oh, my God.
I've been a fool.
- [TOTO'S "AFRICA".]
- Thank you.
MAN: It's gonna take a lot To take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more Could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had [GASPING.]
- Jeremy? - Jody.
I want to apologize.
I guess I thought it would be easier to stay mad at you than say goodbye.
But there's something I've always wanted to confess.
Oh, are you sure? Some genies you can't go back in the bottle.
Jody.
You're my best friend.
- Is that it? - Yeah, that's it.
Oh, well, you're my best friend too.
I didn't want you to go.
I didn't want to live in a world where male friendship was less important than work or or romantic love.
It is important.
I don't think I would have been able to leave without knowing you had someone here to take care of you.
Roger? No, Roger's got a girlfriend now.
- We barely talk.
- No, Anna.
- Oh.
- You two are perfect for each other, and it made me feel like you were in good hands.
In good, cold hands.
I bet she's home waiting for you right now.
Yeah.
I suppose you're right.
Well, goodbye, Jody.
Be safe.
Jambo.
MAN: It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you Best friends? What about me? Well, as a good friend of mine once said, "Best friend isn't a person.
It's a tier.
" Get in here.
MAN: Gonna take some time to do The things we never had [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
You just missed Leo.
I put him to bed.
We just read our nightly chapter from Holly Madison's autobiography.
Holly Madison? What happened to "The Red Badge of Courage?" I threw it at a neighbor who was playing the trumpet.
Uh, do you Would you mind if I came in and had a beer? Sure, yeah.
Come on in.
Thanks.
I think I have a SkinnyBitch IPA in there.
Oh, this Dr.
Dan's will do.
Oktoberfest, now this was a good batch.
Mmm.
Good stuff.
Oh, you got, uh, new kitchen towels.
Stop stalling.
What do you wanna tell me? Yeah, I talked to, uh, Dr.
Richlin.
And, uh, he said the chemo's going okay, but he wants to do a double mastectomy just to be safe.
And Ma said yes.
Well, I think that's a good idea.
Look, I know you think I'm annoying and I'm not taking your mom's treatment seriously, but I really care about her.
And after her surgery, I would love to give her a care package or send her something.
- I want you to be there.
- What? You have a good effect on Ma.
And on me.
I have a good effect on you? You heard what I said.
Hello, Mindy.
Listen, I wanted to thank you for defending my honor last night.
I think you have the makings of a fine southern gentleman.
Well, that's very nice.
- I actually do own a spittoon.
- Ooh.
I just wanted to say that I'm really gonna miss you.
It's been really nice starting a business with you and being your friend.
Well, I am touched that you think that, Mindy.
And on the subject of our business, since I won't be drawing salary at Physicians on the Front, I'll need to pull my equity out of "Later, Baby" - as soon as possible.
- What? Pull your equity? That's a ton of money, Jody.
We need that to survive as a business.
Why don't you sell your giant apartment? I already gave it to Colette.
I had to leave her something.
But I have faith that you'll figure this out.
New York has taught me that women can do anything.
So, good luck, fellow feminist.