The Neighborhood (2018) s06e09 Episode Script

1
Hey, Calvin. You said you wanted
to show me something?
Yes, Dave, I do. Um
Look at this.
What is it?
It's the baby-changing table
that you and Gemma gave Tina
for her grandma shower.
It says "some assembly required."
Well, this is not some. This is all.
Well, Calvin, that's part of the appeal.
Not only is it a gift, but
it's a fun building project.
I see. I get it.
You want me to help you build it.
Close. I want you to build
it while I go play golf.
Hmm, this is a fun project.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
So, Tina, are you nervous?
We're about to find out
the sex of your grandchild.
No, you're about to find out.
My instincts told me what Marty and
Courtney were having months ago.
I'm just here to say, "I told you so!"
(LAUGHS)
Oh, oh, look at you, girl. You
You just popped outta there!
Lookit.
So I keep hearing.
Hey, uh, hey, Dad,
Courtney is a little bit
sensitive about her size.
- Oh, oh, okay, yeah, understood, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Girl, look at you!
As big as you wanna be!
Thank you.
Hey, uh, Courtney, um, why
don't you come have a seat?
Okay.
Oh, no. No, uh (CHUCKLES)
One of the more sturdy ones.
- There we go.
- All right, let's do it.
Okay.
Drones, up.
(DRONES WHIRRING)
(LAUGHS)
Okay, folks, it's showtime.
Keep your eyes on the skies
- and all will be revealed.
- I-I know the gender,
can you reveal the baby's name instead?
Mom, no. We're not
telling anyone the name.
We want to save something
for the big day.
Okay. I know. You're right.
Just tell me!
Mommy, no!
Okay. Hit it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Um
What gender is green?
What are you doing, Dave?
I'm gonna use my drone
to film the gender reveal.
You really think we're gonna
want to watch this again?
Are the drones forming
shapes in the sky?
Yep. That's Orion.
A-And that's Cassiopeia.
You do know there's a
Laker game on, right?
I love it. It's so creative.
I don't understand it,
like, at all, but still.
Here we go.
The moment of truth has arrived.
Okay, let me just get
my drone in position
(CRASHING, ZAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
It's a girl.
(CACKLES)
I told you so!
(GASPING)
♪
Well, so much for our big gender reveal.
And we didn't even get to the best part.
I know,
where the X and Y chromosomes
converge on the ovum.
Yeah, well
at least we'll have a fun story
to tell Penelope someday.
Dave, listen.
If you notice I'm acting weird,
- don't make a big deal.
- Okay.
I've got some information
that I shouldn't have
and it's really fantastic information,
but I can't tell you, so leave me alone.
You know, I think I can fix this.
Dave, I know the name of
Marty and Courtney's baby.
- Ooh, really, you do?
- Yeah.
- Well, what is it?
- I can't tell you!
I'm dying to, but I can't.
They're keeping it a secret.
Okay, well, you do need
to respect their wishes.
Do I?
I mean, you're my husband,
it's kind of a loophole.
That is true.
Married people do share everything.
But you can't tell anybody.
Well, w-who am I gonna tell?
It's Penelope.
- Oh, that's cute.
- (SQUEAKS)
She could by "Penny" or "Nelly" or
Ooh, I know. Pineapple.
No one is gonna call her Pineapple.
Well, that's what I'm going to call her.
♪
Hey, y'all.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Okay, do we really have
to write a thank-you card
for this creepy crib mobile?
It is so ugly.
- Yeah.
- Who even gave this to us?
It's from me.
Thank you.
You know, I wasn't looking at
it from the baby's perspective,
it's actually beautiful.
So, how was the game?
Yeah
Well, we won, but it
went into extra innings
and I haven't even started
writing my geology paper
- and it's due tomorrow.
- Ah. Geology 101,
"rocks for jocks." (LAUGHS)
That class was a piece of cake.
Well, at least for me.
Do a pull-up.
You can't win every argument like that.
You know what you could do?
If you want to save time,
- use AI.
- Yeah.
Whoa, to write my paper?
No way, that's cheating.
I want to write this myself.
Embrace the future, Malcolm.
People used to think
calculators were cheating.
And spell-checkers. And now
we take them for granted.
- And now you can take AI for granite.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Gran-ite.
The rock.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)
This poor kid will be
born stuffed in a locker.
Man
♪
Hey, Dave.
- How's it going?
- Not bad. Check it out.
All this time, that's it?
One leg?
Well, I put the dowel for
the D leg in the A leg.
Then, I used long screw
A in the locking bracket
when I was supposed to
use short bolt C, so
I had to start over.
Are you sure that leg is right?
Yes.
(MEEKLY): Yes.
Step aside. I'm taking over.
I'm not gonna put my sweet little
grandbaby on your house of cards.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you smiling about?
I was just thinking about
your sweet little grandbaby.
I hate smiles, Dave. What's going on?
No, it's nothing, I just
I know something about
her that you don't know.
How would you know if I don't know?
Look, well, I've said too much.
Oh, no, for the first
time ever, not true.
Okay, look, Gemma swore me to secrecy,
but you are my best friend
and if there's any loophole,
it's for your BFF.
Yeah, yeah, you know, if that's
what it takes, absolutely.
BFF, yeah.
The baby's name is Penelope.
Penelope.
Okay, yeah, that's cute. I like that.
Yeah, right? You know, I bet a lot of us
are gonna call her Pineapple.
You know, I-I've always liked that name.
I knew a Penelope in middle school.
Oh. All right, well, please,
you can't say anything.
Gemma will kill me.
All right, look, your
secret's safe with me.
All right, thanks, buddy. And by
the way, good luck on the cabinet.
Here are the instructions.
Dave. I'm a man, I don't
need no damn instructions.
♪
Okay, uh
Where do I start with this AI site?
This looks really complicated.
Oh.
(CHIMES)
Write me a three-page
paper about igneous rocks.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
- Okay, how is that possibly
And done.
No way. There's no way this thing
can write a good paper in two seconds.
(CHUCKLING) This is
Oh, damn.
Let's go get some sushi.
No, no, Marty, I can't
just turn this in.
I want this work to be my own.
Oh. Okay, well, take what AI wrote
and then dumb it down.
Malcolm it up.
♪
(DRILL WHIRRING)
- Hey, babe.
- Yeah?
Check it out. I'm an
artist with this thing.
One-handed.
(WHIRRING)
Behind the back.
(WHIRRING)
Blindfolded.
(DRILL RATTLING)
Okay, that was a little off right there.
Well, Prime just delivered
the cutest pink onesies,
bibs, socks, sweaters,
even pink diaper covers.
I've got the embroidery machine
to put the baby's name on all of them.
What I don't have is the name.
Well, I mean, keeping it secret
is kind of a tradition, right?
More like superstition.
You know, I thought they'd
be smarter than that.
(CALVIN CHUCKLES) Says the
woman who thinks we'll go broke
if you put your purse on the floor.
- Are we broke?
- No.
You're welcome.
You know, I'm the grandmother.
I should know before anybody, right?
Right. That's That's crazy.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Calvin Geronimo Butler,
do you know something?
- Listen.
- Oh.
- When somebody tells you a secret
- Uh-huh.
they expect you to tell your
spouse, don't you think?
Yeah, they do, they do,
move on, move on.
So, so, so
All right, so, you have to
keep this just between us.
- Of course, baby.
- All right?
All right.
So, Dave says Gemma heard
- Marty say
- Uh-huh.
that the baby's name is Penelope.
Penelope.
It's cute, right? (CHUCKLES)
I know you think it's cute.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, Calvin.
Penelope?
The name of your first girlfriend?
(CHUCKLES) That was seventh grade.
And she was hardly my girlfriend.
(CHUCKLES)
You wild.
So you had hot and
heavy make out sessions
with a girl that wasn't
even your girlfriend?
- It was one kiss.
- You know, I can't, I can't,
I cannot embroider these
adorable pink baby clothes
with the name of the first
girl you slobbed down.
(SCOFFS) Penelope.
Ho!
Oh, that's from my great-aunt Sheila.
Huh.
I didn't know Target sold
five-dollar gift cards.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, hey, Marty, hey, Courtney.
- Hey.
Um, well, I wanted to
tell you something,
and I know it's not my place,
and I never meddle.
Mom, can you just skip to
the part where you meddle?
Okay, well, I have a real
problem with the baby's name.
It's not gonna work.
We haven't told anybody the baby's
name. What are you saying?
(STAMMERS)
Okay, this is
This is a little painful
for me to talk about.
(SIGHS)
We never told you or your brother,
but years ago,
your father was involved with someone.
They were in love.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. It was when he was
in the seventh grade.
Well, then, lead with that.
What is wrong with you?
Well, the point is,
her name was Penelope
and that cannot be the
name of my grandbaby!
Um, we're not naming our baby Penelope.
- No.
- Oh, thank God.
You would do that for me?
Thank you.
No. It was never Penelope.
That's just what we
started calling the baby
before we knew it was a girl.
Really?
Yes. Penelope was just our little joke.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
- (LAUGHS): Oh. Oh!
I get it, I get it. It's funny
because it's an ugly name
for people with big-ass foreheads.
I looked at her yearbook picture.
(LAUGHS)
I-I cannot believe you
thought that was the name.
What there are no new Penelopes.
And it would sound ridiculous.
"Penelope Pridgeon"?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Huh.
Pridgeon. Pridgeon. That
well, that's your last name.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay well,
I-I was thinking Butler,
but, you know, that-that's okay,
'cause you kn we're not married.
- Mm. Mm.
- Makes more sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, this
is what a feminist looks like.
Well, that's great, honey.
Well, you know what?
I've got a ton of
embroidering to do, but
Wait, I can't, because I
still don't know the name.
(LAUGHS)
I guess I can, you know,
embroider names I think of.
Let me just start with Abigail?
Agnes, Amaya
- It's Daphne.
- Oh, Daphne! I love it!
(LAUGHS)
MARTY: Okay, but Mom? Mom?
Please remember, it's a
secret, so don't tell anyone.
No, no, no, of course, of course.
Daphne. D-A
- P-H-N-E.
- Don't get smart with me, boy.
♪
I got to hand it to you, Calvin.
This-this looks great.
Yup. No instructions, no dilly-dallying.
Just power, muscle and a drill.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
Oh, man. What?
Well, what's this?
What?
The pop-out drawer.
It it doesn't pop out.
- Let me see, okay?
- Yeah.
Uh
Well Oh!
Okay, there it is. It popped out.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Clearly, if I want this done right,
I'm going to have to do it myself.
Now, where'd you put the instructions
and my little Allen wrench?
In the garbage.
You know, you are lucky
that you're my best friend.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Daphne.
Dave.
What'd you say?
Dap me, Dave.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
- Hey, baby. Mwah.
- Hey, babe.
So you aren't mad about
Penelope anymore?
Oh, please. That's in the past.
Really?
Uh, forgive me, Tina.
I don't know how to say this.
But when did you become so reasonable?
Well, I just found out something
that improved my mood.
- But I can't tell you.
- Whoa. Come on!
Babe, I told you my thing, remember?
- The married couple loophole?
- (SCOFFS)
Okay, baby, but this is a big one.
Okay, the baby's name is not Penelope.
It's Daphne.
Oh.
Okay. Yeah.
Daphne Butler.
Okay, yeah, it's got a nice ring to it.
No, not Daphne Butler. Daphne Pridgeon.
Who the hell is Pridgeon?
It's Courtney's last name.
Okay, so what that got
to do with my grandbaby?
It's what Marty and Courtney decided.
You got to learn how to stay
out of other people's business.
(DOOR OPENS)
Well, Calvin, you did not throw
the instructions in the garbage.
You threw 'em in my compost, and
now my worms are freaking out.
I don't give a damn
about your worms, Dave.
The Butler name is in jeopardy.
What are you talking about?
(SIGHS)
Look, I'm not supposed to say
anything, but I am too upset.
Calvin, friendship loophole.
Spill the tea.
The baby's name is Daphne Pridgeon.
- Who the hell's Pridgeon?
- Thank you!
♪
Gemma, I have a huge
secret I can't tell you.
Marriage loophole.
Ooh. Okay, then, I have no other choice.
- The baby's name is not Penelope.
- (GASPS)
It's Daphne.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Right? Daphne Pridgeon.
Who the hell is Pridgeon?
It's Courtney, and Calvin is crushed.
Oh, I bet.
How did he even find out?
Well, you told me the name Penelope,
and I may have told
Calvin, who told Tina,
who told Marty, who told
Tina the baby's actual name.
She told Calvin, who told me,
and now I'm telling you.
♪
Check out your boy. I got an A.
- (LAUGHING): Okay.
- All right!
I told you AI was the way to go.
Uh, no, no, I wrote that myself.
I didn't use AI at all.
And you got an A in a
science class? (LAUGHS)
You don't believe me.
I'm telling you, that's all me, Marty.
Oh, yeah, sure, and
I just did a push-up.
Knock, knock.
Come in?
Marty, your dad is
upset about something,
and the only reason he knows
is 'cause of my big mouth.
What is it?
It's killing him that your baby's
last name is going to be Pridgeon.
Who the hell is Pridgeon?
How long have you people known me?
♪
All right, everybody, we need to talk.
We understand our baby
situation is unconventional.
And we love that you
are all super excited.
MARTY: We do. We do. We love it.
But what we love less is
you guys spreading rumors
and gossiping about our choices.
- Gemma started it.
- What?!
Just to Dave. It's the
marriage loophole,
- everybody knows it.
- Yeah,
- just like the best friend loophole.
- Yeah.
- That's not a thing.
- (STAMMERING)
(INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Okay, will will ?
(LOUDLY): Will you please let us talk?
We are now officially going to announce
- our baby's name.
- Mm.
(LAUGHS) Well, it's
officially not a secret.
It's Daphne.
Miss Kim told me at the grocery store.
Our baby's first name will be Daphne.
Her last name will be Pridgeon-Butler.
- Hey!
- Oh!
Oh. Okay. Thank you so much, guys.
This is awesome. The name,
the legacy continues.
Is there any chance that
you can go Butler-Pridgeon?
Mm-mm.
- What? No?
- Take the win, baby.
Tina, prepare to be dazzled.
May I present to you
the Juno Five Deluxe Changing Table
by Smim.
Whoo!
I am dazzled. I love it.
Yeah. Dap.
- Huh?
- It's our thing.
Oh, yeah.
This looks exactly the
same as when I did it.
Yes, except, for one crucial difference.
It works. Tina?
Why don't you take the
pop-out diaper drawer
with soft-close mechanism for a ride?
Okay, okay. Let me see.
- Ah. Okay.
- Huh?
It's spectacular.
I'm-I'm impressed, Dave.
I just can't wait to put a stinky
little baby up on this bad boy.
Yeah, I got to admit, Dave.
I didn't think you could do it.
I had no faith.
Absolutely none. Zero.
Oh, and if you look back here,
these straps make it earthquake-safe.
- Oh.
- Huh?
Yeah.
Grover, did you build this?
Yes, sir. I-I watched
some YouTube videos.
It took me 20 minutes.
Grover, we agreed it was a secret.
Yeah, but you forgot
about the "I'm scared
of Mr. Calvin" loophole.
Yes.