The Wonder Years s06e09 Episode Script

If there's one thing every kid learns growing up, it's that life Is a series of risks.
It's a cause-and-effect relationship.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Still, with the proper guidance, we learn to deal with the risks.
And pretty soon, we set out into the world Sure in our options, confident of our choices.
Until, that is Metamorphosis".
Is it "A" transformation, "B" integration, "C" resurrection, or "D" none of the above? Eleventh-grade.
The year of decisions.
Anyone? Yes.
/ "B".
"C" - "D"! "A"! Around the middle of junior year The risks increase.
I knew that.
Almost overnight, the choices get harder.
One guess why.
English comprehension.
I suggest you learn this, class.
It's bound to show up on you SAT's.
The scholastic aptitude test.
The living nightmare of American adolescents.
Alright, next word.
"Pyrotechnic".
Mr.
Pfeiffer.
Would you like to take a crack at this one? Uh Like some kind of biblical curse The SAT's had descended on our class Reducing even the most-intelligent among us to a state of Flop-sweats.
"B"! "D"! I knew that.
Yeah, right.
/ I did.
In that case, Mr.
Billings "Hirsute".
Can you fill us in? Hirsute.
Uh It was grim.
After sixteen years of hard learning Our educational futures had suddenly been pinned down to four choices Uh "A" "B" "C" And of course Pudding, or Jell-O? I'llgo with the pudding.
Hirsute! Who-who in the world knows what hirsute means? Hairy! Oh, great.
I haven't slept in two nights! I don't know what it is I just keep tossing and turning.
I just wish it was over, ya know? I wish I were dead.
It was clear each of us was dealing with this in our own way.
For me Come on - what are you both so worried about? It was denial.
I mean, it's just a stupid aptitude test, right? Maybe he's right.
Course I'm right.
Are you nuts? This test could determine our entire future.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, it means you have to score fourteen-hundred this year, to even be considered by the Ivy Leagues.
And what college you go to Determines what grad school you go to Which determines what kind of job you get And what contacts you're gonna make and-and who your friends are gonna be And what type of house you're gonna live in and what the rest of your life could be like.
Are you sure you didn't leave anything else out, Paul? Yeah, you got some pudding on your pants.
Pudding on our pants metaphors we couldn't mix Seemed like the stress was getting to us all My dad included.
"Competent"? What the hell does "competent" mean? Probably means you did a good job, Jack.
For my father, the crisis was his annual evaluation from NORCOM.
You know how many weekends I put in there? You know how hard I work?! I don't believe this! Which isn't to say the old man wasn't graceful at taking constructive criticism.
Now, look, hon-ey! There's "excellent" right here! Yeah.
For "demeanor and appearance".
Means the guy liked my haircut.
Honey, they probably didn't even give it much thought - you know how much they appreciate you there! The hell they do.
Still, in my own way, I kindasympathized with the guy.
Spoon? After all, this was really none of my business.
This was Dad, the great provider - the man with the plan.
Charlie Barrett got abad evaluation, too.
Jack, you did not get a bad evaluation! Yeah, well He decided to leave NORCOM.
Charlie? You're kidding? Nope.
He knows this guy who owns a small,uh, furniture factory - he wants to retire He's gonna buy him out.
I don't knowmaybe he's got the right idea.
But if Dad was looking for advice He was pretty much on his own.
Twenty years at NORCOM, Norma.
What have I been doin' with my life? Face it.
When it came to philosophy My family had one golden rule.
It was every man for himself.
Kevin, I'm worried.
About what? The SAT's.
Oh, no - not you, too.
It was bad enough having to face this in the cafeteria.
But not in the front seat of a hot car.
Winnie, it'll be fine.
You really think so? Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
Except, what happens after the test? What?! Well, the SAT's are just the beginning.
I mean, after that, we graduate and go to college.
What if we end up at different schools? And, what if we're thousands of miles apart? What if we never see each other anymore? Jeez.
Now my girlfriend was turning into Paul Pfeiffer.
WellWinnie, that's over a year away.
Do wedo we have to worry about it now? Of course we don't.
I mean, we'll still see each other at Christmas, right? It was aweful.
This one crummy test was poisoning my life.
Plaguing my future.
So there was only one way to fight back.
I'll have pralines and cream, please.
Go for ice cream with the folks.
Yeah, this was some fun.
Jack! Norma! Hey, Charlie - what are you doin' here? Well, I-I just stopped by to get the family some ice creamto uh, you know - celebrate.
Charlie Barrett.
I hadn't seen him since I was - Kevin? I-II haven't seen you since you were six.
What grade are you in now? Eleventh.
So, uh Next year you'll be inhmmm, twelfth! Yep - you couldn't get anything past this guy! Kevin's taking his SAT's next week.
Whoa! Hmmm - SAT'sGood luck, pal! Yeah - same to you.
Uh, let me have a pint of, uh Strawberry - nah-nah-nah, make it a quart.
Might as well live on the edge a little.
Right? Yes, Jack told me about your leaving NORCOM and all your plans, itmust be very exciting.
Exciting?! Hell, Norma This is long overdueRight, Jack? And there was something about that pat on the arm that said - So - Normawhat do you think about Jack and me going into business together? IBeg your pardon? UhActually, we haven't talked about it yet.
Oh, I seeuh, NormaJack and I just had a couple discussions about maybe buying this little factory.
But, ya know, it's not really - We're meeting with the owner's tomorrow.
I see.
Yeah, well, anyway I better get moving, uh, I'll - I'll see you tomorrow, Jack.
Around three o'clock? Alright.
/ Seeya there.
is to? As the SAT's loomed closer Our brains loomed smaller.
Come on - concentrate! Anyone? Mr.
Coleman Yes? Harassment is to intimidation as compliment is to Panic had officially descended upon my class.
I have to go to the bathroom.
But no matter where we ran for comfort Anybody else? There was no escape.
It was getting harder and harder to deny what was going on.
Mr.
Arnold.
How about you? Uh At times like this, there was only one thing to do.
"B"? Take a risk.
Ahvery good! Would you like to tell the class how you arrived at this answer? PhhhI guessed.
Well, you were wrong.
One thing was clear - it was time do buckle down and dive in.
After all That's what my dad was doing.
How do I look? You look very handsome.
I'll bet you never thought you'd see me in the furniture business, huh? After twenty-four hours of constant negotiations Mom had finally accepted Dad's plan.
There ya go.
Not that she was completely happy about it.
I just hope it all works out.
You know, Norma, I'm a lot more than competent.
I know that, honey.
Good luck.
Seeya! / And there you had it.
As my father set out to become a one-man industry My mother became a one-women vegamatic.
Mom - I'm tryin' to study.
Hmmm? Could you keep it down a little? OhSorry.
OK, it was obvious if I was gonna get any studying done at all I'd have to do it somewhere else! I was ready.
I was focussed.
And nothing was gonna sway me from the task at hand.
Except Hey, I just needed a ten-minute break, OK? O- kayThank you! Honey - you've been watching TV for three hours! Yeah.
Well, uh, I'm gonna turn it off right now.
/ Our deal is worth ten-thousand-and-thirty four dollars.
Is it door number one, or door number two, or door number three? Your father should have been home an hour ago.
Maybe he got held up.
After all, we were talking about Dad, here.
He probably signed the deal, stopped off to buy some champagne And was coming home the conquering hero.
Hi, Dad! Hi, honey! How'd it go? Lousy.
Or maybejust the conquered.
What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
The whole damn thing fell apart.
How? Well, for one thing, it's gonna cost three times more than I thought.
Fifteen thousand bucks! Can you imagine that? We can't afford that, Norma.
With the mortgage Car payments, Kevin's college The hell was I thinking? And at that moment,I'd heard something in his voice I'd never heard before.
Regret.
I don't think you should give up on this.
Well, what about the money? Honey! When we got married we didn't have two nickles to rub together.
And we did alright! Wellwe'll do it again.
But if Mom was trying her best to give Dad a future Forget it, Norma.
The old man wasn't buying.
I'm stayin' at NORCOM.
That night I didn't have much luck studying.
My mind was whirling.
All I could think about were decisions, and risks And choices.
Alright, Kevin Arnold - are you ready to choose your future? Yes, Monty.
OK, what door do you want? I'll take, uh, door number Yeah / Two.
No - no, one Three! No! No, one! / Which? Door number two! / Good - are you sure? Absolutely.
/ Good! Door number one.
Alright, Don, tell him what he's won.
Congratulations! You've just chosen twenty years at NORCOM Where you'll receive long hours Constant brow-beating, and a severe peptic ulcer! Unless of course you'd like to trade it in - / Three! for - oh, you do want to trade it in? / Three.
For three? / Door number three.
Alright.
Here's what we have behind door number three! Yesa donkey! Now, Don, tell him what he could have won.
Yes, Kevin - it's the good life! A college education Vacations to Hawaii! The girl of your dreams And expensive lawn furniture! And all because you didn't study for your SAT's.
The day before the test was torture.
Oh man.
This is gonna be a disaster.
Panic had given way toraw superstition.
You know, I heard that there's a pattern - if you break the code, you can figure out the answers.
Yeah.
I heard they have this card they put over the answers, so if you fill in all the circles you get a perfect score.
No, I heard That if you use the serial number from and divide it by your birthday.
/ It was crazy - the last minute ravings of desperate men.
That's ridiculous - how're they gonna know your birthday? Heythey know everything! And then you take the question number and you add it, and you multiply the whole thing - I can't believe you guys are wasting your time on these stupid rumors! I mean, don't you have something better to do? You should be studying.
Why?! Enough was enough.
It was time to put some sense to this whole fiasco.
Who says we have to take this stupid test, anyway? Why should we let this one test affect our entire life? Why should one test make us this crazy? I say we're more important than that stupid test, and I for one, am not gonna let it control my life! There.
Finally, A statement of principle.
A manifesto of defiance.
A cry for unity no red-blooded kid could fail to admire.
Nice try, buddy.
And I guess that's when it hit me.
What I'd been denying all week.
About choices, and risks and that test.
I wasn't angry.
I was just plain scared.
By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was head home.
Maybe catch a slow train to Loserville.
I don't knowmaybe Dad had the same idea, too.
Hey, Kev.
How ya doin'? Everything OK? Dad, what are you doing here? Thoughtmaybe you'd like to go for a ride.
What do ya say? Well, I have my car over there, so We'll get it later.
Come on - it won't take long.
And the way he said it OK.
Guess I knew I really didn't have a choice.
Kevin, ahthere's some things I want to talk to you about.
The funny thing was, I pretty much knew what was coming.
You know, sometimes it's not easy being the head of a family.
Sometimes you have to make choices that affect everybody, and you're not sure if you're doing the right thing.
Uh / Hey listen, Dad! You don't have to explain anything to me.
Glad to hear you say that.
Hell, I understood what he meant.
After all, in this world, there were two kinds of men - the ones with guts - the ones who dared - the ones who took risks.
And thenthere were the Arnold's.
Here we are! What is this? My new company.
Once the deal closes.
So, come on Let's take a look.
Here we go! Everybody's already knocked off for the day.
It's usually really, um, hoppin' in here.
Yeah - I bet.
Come on.
I'll show you around.
Look at that! It's great! I guess life is full of surprises - no matter what age you are.
I didn't know you knew anything about furniture, Dad.
I don'tbut I'm ready to learn.
We got a great crew here.
What about NORCOM? Figured your mom was right.
It's time to take a chance.
NORCOM was killing meSo I left.
What'd they say? They said "goodbye".
Dad, aren't you scared? Nah.
Yeah.
Come on.
I want to show you where my office'll be.
That afternoon, Dad and I took the tour.
See these? We make the legs / We talked furniture.
We talked life.
We made plans.
sealed test booklet.
And the next morning, at eight AM, seventy-eight students gathered in the McKinley cafeteria to take what was supposed to be the most important test of their lives.
Do not break the seal until I tell you to do so.
Everyone had a different way of coping that day.
You'll have three hours to work on the test / Some were more effective than others.
There are five sections The time alloted for each section will be announced before you begin.
But for all the risks and choices, I was one step ahead of them.
When you have finished a section Do not - I repeat - do not turn ahead.
You may nowopen your pamphlets After all, I knew that this was just one test in thousands I'd be taking in my life.
None of them final.
None of them irrevocable.
And the way I saw it, maybe life was a risk.
But this time, I was ready.