Would I Lie To You? (2007) s06e09 Episode Script
Series 6, The Unseen Bits
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You? Joining Lee Mack tonight, Alex Jones, Jim Carter, Bob Mortimer, Miranda Hart, Alexander Armstrong, Kate Humble, Miles Jupp, Diane Parish, Dr Christian Jessen, Armando Iannucci and Clare Balding.
And joining David Mitchell tonight, Jack Whitehall, Richard Madeley, Gabby Logan, Greg Davis, Richard Osman, Mel Giedroyc, Andy Hamilton, Chris Tarrant, Richard Bacon and Dale Winton.
And so we begin with Round One, it's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and, Richard, you are first up.
My family don't have a swear jar, we have a bore jar.
Whenever a Madeley says something dull, they have to stick a quid in it.
Blimey, have you got a change machine at home? LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee, the Madeley bore jar, could it be true? Well, um Yeah, we'll go with true.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, are all the family members included in this? - It's a compulsory family scheme, yeah.
- OK.
And who would you say We know the answer, but we'll ask it anyway - LAUGHTER - Who would you say has given the most to the jar? - Well, me, obviously.
- You've given the most.
- Yeah.
- And what do you do with the money? - Well, I keep it.
- YOU keep it? - It's my system and it's my jar.
- It's your money! And it's mostly my money, so I tend to keep it.
So basically, there's a jar full of money that you've put in, that you take all the money out and keep.
That is so boring, get a quid in it.
- LAUGHTER - Is it only family? If I came to your house and was just my usual self, would I have to start overloading it? Well, for example, if you came in and started talking about Not Going Out, - obviously, you'd have to put a quid in.
- Ooh.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Trust me, if I was in your house, - I wouldn't be talking about NOT going out.
- LAUGHTER Do you remember the last time you put a - you, not poor Jack or Chloe or long-suffering Judy, the last time that you put a pound in that jar, what was it for? I was reading something about fiscal policy out of the Financial Times, and Judy said, after about three seconds, "jar".
Maybe she was agreeing with you in German.
LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee Mack? Miles.
- I think this is true.
- Do you? Yeah, but I do find I find Richard intrinsically believable.
LAUGHTER - So you think Richard's telling the truth.
Kate? - I think it's complete rubbish.
- You think it's a lie? - Yeah.
- I'm going to say not true.
- Going to say it's a lie.
- Richard, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - Well, I'm afraid the answer is deeply boring.
I lied.
APPLAUSE Bob, you're next.
I have a didgeridoo suspended from a tree in my back garden so that when the wind blows in a particular direction, it parps soothing sounds of the outback into my bedroom window.
LAUGHTER - David's team, what do you think? - Parps soothing sounds of the outback? Yes.
What a poetic way of putting it.
Thank you.
- Um - Do you genuinely believe that that particular instrument makes a parp? How would you describe it, Greg? Er-ar er-ar, er-ar LAUGHTER LEE: All do it, audience! And how soothed do you feel? Right, everyone stop parping.
I get this every night in my house, please! Where is it, Bob, it's in a tree? - Yeah.
- And you've made a conscious decision to put it in the tree? - Yeah.
I thought you said it was hanging from a tree? What it is is, it's trapped in a V, I think.
Is there a name for that area of a tree, - is it called the Clooney or something? - A Clooney? LAUGHTER What's the George Clooney's holding a didgeridoo up a tree in his garden, why don't you believe this? This part of your finger there is called the Clooney.
- Is it? - So I'm assuming I never knew that.
That's why I said Clooney.
Where it And it's wedged there.
It's wedged in the tree's V.
Yes.
It's wedged horizontally in the tree's V facing south east, - which is the prevailing wind where - I - live.
Where do you live, not Britain? - Britain.
- No, the prevailing wind in Britain is south westerly.
It doesn't happen every night.
Right.
LAUGHTER So tell us what this sound does for you, then.
You're lying in bed at night and you've had a lovely day, you're just settling down, and you hear MAKES DIDGERIDOO NOISE .
.
and then what, what sort of, what happens to you? I'm soothed.
And the mind is soothed.
Do you know you get things that will do the same thing to, say, your throat? Yes.
It does it to the mind.
What if your brain's fine? You don't want to hear that every time it's windy.
- You're always soothing your brain, that's what sleep is.
- Hence the - success of the pillow.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER GREG: Can I just say though, Bob, I've been led to believe by out-of-work hippies over the years - that the didgeridoo is an incredibly difficult instrument to play.
- Yeah.
And yet it would appear that all one has to do is to pass air through it.
LAUGHTER No, well, you have to position it correctly, just as you would have to over your mouth.
I've done that by utilising the Clooney in the tree.
You're using the Clooney of a tree as human lips? LAUGHTER Even to get any kind of noise out of a didgeridoo, the Clooney - which doesn't exist - on Bob's tree PATSY LAUGHS .
.
would have to be flesh-like, - cos an Aboriginal doesn't just go - EXHALES HARD .
.
through it.
Cos it's not just wind, they use their lips.
Very good point, very good point.
LAUGHTER Just coming up this time of year, I'll admit it's a lot better.
In fact, I have a wisteria that grows through the didgeridoo.
DAVID LAUGHS Of course! - And when the wisteria comes into leaf - Yeah.
.
.
not only does it pipe the wind towards the didgeridoo, but it acts as the lips.
LAUGHTER It's long been said that if the wind blows in the right direction through wisteria, it can play any instrument in the world.
LAUGHTER It's time to decide, David.
- OK, we need to make a guess.
- What are you going to say? Um I think it's a lie.
Of course it's a lie.
- We think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
Well, Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was lying.
APPLAUSE Christian, you're next.
For a prank, I once set a friend's legs in plaster casts while he slept.
LAUGHTER David Mitchell's team.
Do you get to take those materials home with you, then, when you're at medical school, or when you're? We're not supposed to Right, were you at medical school at the time? .
.
but we do.
This would have been - Did you say was he at medical school? - At the time.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- No, I am not - I thought you were accusing him! ANDY: Christian, why did you play this prank on your friend? Because he'd got blind drunk, as only medical students can do.
And he was drunk as you were putting the plaster cast on him, or? - He'd actually passed out by that stage.
- Right.
- He was sleeping.
- Was it Can you get struck off for this? - No.
- Oh, right.
LAUGHTER - Anyone? - Presumably, you had to have a plan, didn't you? You didn't just happen to chance upon the plaster casting equipment.
Um We decided we were going to plaster him from his ankles all the way up to his hips, with his legs apart like that.
LAUGHTER He never woke up the whole time you're touching him? And presumably, right the way up to the top of his groin.
Have you ever drunk Yes.
All right.
LAUGHTER Did you first take his trousers down? We did, yeah.
Oh, the humiliation.
- Did you take his underpants off as well? - No, we left the undies on.
And you said, "we".
Who were the accomplices here? I had mates that were involved.
Name them.
- Matthew, Mark - Luke and John? LAUGHTER Is that the gospel now, or are you - Gospel.
- Gospel.
- Andy, did you miss that? I said, is that the gospel? - Yeah, yeah.
I didn't miss it, Rob.
LAUGHTER And when he woke up, what was his reaction? He thought he'd had a stroke.
- Because he couldn't even - Move his legs.
- DAVID: That's very bad self-diagnosis.
- Aah.
Poor fella! LAUGHTER - David, what are you thinking? - Um Andy? I think the medical student thing, knowing how their minds work, I think it might be true.
And you're edging towards? I did think it was a lie, and now I think it might be true.
OK, we'll say it's true.
Say it's true.
All right, Dr Christian, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - It is true.
- Well done.
Xander, you're next.
Last year, I was amused to discover that in one weekend, I'd had a curry with Andy Murray, been bowling with JK Rowling LAUGHTER .
.
and attended an odd party with Todd Carty.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, David, what do you think? Well, what a weekend that was! What was odd about the party? Where do I begin? LAUGHTER Er, the first indication that it was an odd party There were chicken wings that were brought around, for example, that everybody dived on, and it was only when we'd eaten most of the plate when somebody went, "Mmm, mmm" and then, "This is still quite red," and we all noticed that actually, nothing had really been cooked at all.
So we were all, er We were all dicing with salmonella.
Erm There was a husband and wife there who had the most enormous row I mean, it's just, it was a very odd So a row and disappointing food.
Yes, disappointing.
This is a normal party.
LAUGHTER I'm fascinated with the bowling with Rowling.
Was it the sort of bowling which ladies of a certain age in white do in parks? - No, sir.
- Or was it ten pin, three fingers in the old, and? - Ten pin, three fingers, yes.
- Ten pin and three fingers.
LAUGHTER - Did you have to change from your normal shoes - You bet.
- .
.
into the red, white and blue - Yes.
- .
.
sort of comedy bowling shoes? No, we had purple shoes.
This was the livery of this rather chic - It was posh.
- .
.
bowling place.
- It was a posh place.
- Where was the chic bowling place? - Yeah! - The chic bowling place was in London's Bayswater.
- Oh, I've been there.
- LEE: I've been there.
- MEL: Are the shoes purple? LEE: That's where JK Rowling goes.
That one.
- The Rowling alley, as they - MEL: What's Jo - LAUGHTER - Let's cut back - Yeah.
- .
.
to Murray and curry.
- The curry.
We were in this rather large curry house in Milton Keynes.
CHRIS: Milton Keynes! Why were you in Milton Keynes in a large curry house? - MEL: Yes.
Exactly.
- CHRIS: With Andy Murray.
- Yeah.
- MEL: Exactly.
It was a charity event, after which we went, we repaired, to a sort of mini Taj Mahal building in Milton Keynes.
At another table, though, three people, who'd been sitting there for quite a long time, we hadn't noticed, eventually we spotted were Andy Murray, Mrs Murray, and someone who I can only imagine was his agent.
- And - Right.
- .
.
we, er, after a little while, obviously, felt we'd better go and tell him he was Andy Murray.
So you went and talked to him? Well, only to tell him he was Andy Murray.
LAUGHTER - So what are you going to say, David? - Well, I'm - Is this true? - .
.
stuck, you see.
What do you think, Chris? Well, he's just got a little shifty little face, hasn't he? LAUGHTER So you think basically it's a lie? I think basically it's a lie.
MEL: You know, Xander's a man about town, - he's quite, "Hello" You know, I can imagine when the - LAUGHTER I can imagine him in the purple bowling shoes and the, you know, the Andy Murray, I can imagine that.
At a party with uncooked chicken wings and Todd Carty I can't, I don't know.
- I think it's probably a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie.
Xander.
Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? It is, in fact a lie.
Oh! APPLAUSE - BUZZER - It's David.
Once a week, I love to eat a full English breakfast, but can only do so if I am entirely stripped to the waist.
LAUGHTER - Lee's team, what do you think? - Hmm, once a week, you say? - Yeah.
- Any particular day of the week? At the weekend, usually a Saturday or a Sunday.
- I know what the weekend is, David.
- Mmm-hmm.
- DIANE: Do you cook it? Do you cook it in that state of undress, or do you get undressed once it's cooked? I I get undressed once it's cooked.
LAUGHTER Only I mean, there's a limit to the amount of undressing required, I mean, I take my top off.
Boxers, or? No, it's I think it's waist up, I think he said.
- Oh! - Yes.
- Waist up.
It would be odd if he had a breakfast and from the waist down, he stripped naked.
That would be odd if you went round to his house, said, "Thank you, David, for the sausage and beans.
" "We're not done yet.
" Yeah.
LAUGHTER No, that's Get them off.
Are none of you going to ask why? - CHRISTIAN: I'm about to ask.
- GABBY: Oh, good.
What on God's earth function does taking your top off play in this breakfast? - In many ways, I've lost a lot of self respect - You have.
.
.
over the years, and sometimes, I like to wallow in that.
LAUGHTER In that case, we think it's true.
LAUGHTER I do find there's a certain amount of splatter involved in the eating of a full English breakfast.
Is this getting sexual? Not from my point of view.
LAUGHTER Is this on your own, or would someone join you? I More usually, on my own, but I wouldn't - ROB LAUGHS - Would you like someone to join you? - I don't think so, really.
- I'm not offering.
LAUGHTER Can I ask a question? Gabby, do you like a fried breakfast? LAUGHTER - David is this - Hang on.
- Sorry.
LAUGHTER Is this for practical reasons, as you say, just to stop the splashing, or is it a lovely sense of liberation? I think it's partly practical.
Partly, yes, of course, you feel closer to nature.
LAUGHTER So what are you thinking, Lee, what are you going to say, is he telling the truth here? - Christian, what do you think, do you eat with your clothes on? - I do, I do.
You don't strip off for any reason to do with eating? No, not really.
Do you think he does? LAUGHTER Having got to know David during the course of this evening, I rather suspect he does.
LAUGHTER Diane, do you? Do I? No, I do not, no.
No, I mean Oh! Sorry.
I was going to say do you believe LAUGHTER I was going to say do you believe it? I wasn't taking the opportunity to go, do you have fry-ups, do you want to come round my house, will you take your top off? I wasn't going to say that.
Of course not.
I was thinking it.
I was absolutely thinking it.
I'd never've said it out loud, but now you've brought it up Do you want to come round on Sunday? I've got Birds Eye Potato Waffles.
LAUGHTER - Do you think David is telling the truth, or do you? - I think he's telling the truth.
- I think David's a well brought up, educated chap.
- Yes.
He'd never do anything quite so stupid.
- Never.
He'd have breakfast in a bow tie.
- So it's not true.
- I'm on lie now, yeah.
OK.
We have to go with lie, then.
- You're going to say lie.
- David, truth or lie? - Please don't be true.
It is a lie.
- Thank God for that.
- APPLAUSE Next, it's Jim.
After being knocked unconscious by a Frisbee for three days, I could only speak in a thick Scottish accent.
LAUGHTER - David's team.
- Oh Bit harsh, though, just cos you're Scottish, doesn't mean you're thick, does it? LAUGHTER So what was the occasion of being hit by the Frisbee? I was playing with my daughter and her friends, and we were playing Frisbee, you know, with a bunch of people, and this young lad just let it go, and it just caught me right on the side of the head.
- Er - Did you pass out first? - Well, I No, I Well, I don't know, really.
I went sort of strange and I had to sit down, but I don't think I physically So you sat down, feeling a bit dizzy.
- Head between my knees.
- You sat down and at some point, someone asked, how are you feeling? And you found yourself answering I think I said, "I'll tak' the high road "and you tak' the low road and I'll" And that was Was it just the voice, or for the next three days, did you not eat lettuce and loathe the English as well? LAUGHTER ARMANDO: Some of us do eat lettuce.
Yeah.
In fact, I went up to the, erm, the Accident and Emergency, and somebody there when they met me, and was convinced by my wife, who took me there, that I wasn't Scottish, said tried to calm me down and said, "It will go away.
" Your wife needed to be there to persuade, just to say, "I'm sorry, he's not really Scottish.
" Cos they get a lot of people who are just Scottish but want to be cured.
LAUGHTER Frisbees are dangerous things.
I took my son out, my oldest son, when he was about five or six, to a field area - a field - and I said LAUGHTER .
.
I said, "Stand there, we are going to enjoy the Frisbee.
" So he stood over there - I wish you were my dad! - And I LAUGHTER What I hadn't told him was that he was meant to catch the Frisbee.
So he stood there full of the trust of a trusting son, like that, and I did a great throw You know when you straighten the arm, so it goes? And it went, "Tssh," and he looked at it with a lovely innocent face - LAUGHTER - .
.
and it went, "Bang!" There.
And blood went, "Psh!" And the shock on his face that his father had done this to him.
LAUGHTER IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "What the hell have you done, you idiot?!" LAUGHTER - So what are you thinking, David? - Well, I EMILY: Oh, totally true.
Well, I Well, this is my concern.
Jim has very reasonably been reticent about doing a Scottish accent in this bit of the game.
I suspect, and maybe I'm wrong, and Jim can prove me wrong, or otherwise.
But I don't think that he necessarily does a very convincing Scottish accent.
- Ooh - Jim Carter can't do a Scottish accent? Well, because lots of people can't do various accents, lots of very good actors can't do certain accents.
And I think it would be unlikely that the accent you'd get if concussed would be one that you couldn't previously do.
- I disagree with that entirely.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Well, get your own team.
LAUGHTER Just give us a little taste of this voice, if you can use the great - Use your tool, your great actor's tool - My tool, yes.
.
.
to give us a little bit of this voice.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't I don't feel very well, I think I'm a bit, a bit woozy.
LAUGHTER That's lovely, isn't it? It's Radio 4, it's Saturday afternoon, it's a play.
All right, so, David, truth or lie, what are you going to say? Um, what do you think? - I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - I'll take the hit.
- I think it might be true.
I Well OK, I think we're going to say it's true, then.
Jim Carter, were you telling the truth or were you lying? Er I was telling a lie.
- Oh - APPLAUSE Who'd have thought that? Erm Next.
- BUZZER - It's Lee.
I got stuck for half an hour in a men's toilet because I couldn't find the door.
LAUGHTER So where was this men's toilet? - Next to the ladies'.
- LAUGHTER Were you on your own? Yes.
LAUGHTER And where was the? - Apart from somebody singing some Wham! song, I don't know who he was.
- LAUGHTER And where was this ladies' toilet that it was next to? It was in the place I worked at, which was a bingo hall.
RICHARD: And so presumably, you'd managed to find the door on the way in? - No.
- LAUGHTER Without being facetious.
Oh, I didn't do THAT.
You found the door.
I stood up LAUGHTER You found the door on the way in.
I did find the door on the way in.
You took a number one, number two? No, I walked, I didn't get a bus.
LAUGHTER - You've popped into the toilet.
- Yes.
It doesn't really matter what you've gone to do.
Well, I think what does matter is whether or not he'd gone into a cubicle, - or was just approaching a urinal.
- Yes, that's a good question.
- And how long it took you.
Given you'd just walked through the door that then you couldn't find.
- Walked in the door, I went to the urinal - Yeah.
The door closed, and then I'm now stuck in that toilet for half an hour.
Why was it that you couldn't find the door once it had closed? Because I went in, and it was late at night, and the building had started to shut down, and so I went in, and just as I got to the urinal, the last bit of the door closes, and it's now as pitch black as you can possibly imagine.
The other bit to the story I've not mentioned is that I was absolutely hammered.
LAUGHTER And so So I started getting a bit confused.
I went back to what I thought was the middle of the room, I'm drunk, but now I've lost all bearings - DAVID LAUGHS - And so I felt my - I wish I really wish this was on infra-red somewhere.
LAUGHTER I was There was a guy with a video camera, the Wham! guy, funnily enough.
LAUGHTER And eventually, a door opened, cos someone came looking for me, and as the door opened, I realised I'd lost my bearings so much that I just Every time I'd gone round, I'd missed the door.
I think that this is true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
I'm not sure, I think it's where he worked, - and I think there's going to be some light bleeding around a door, isn't there? - Do you You don't think it's true? No, but if you both do It's definitely unlikely, but all the things are unlikely.
You think it's unlike Lee? - LAUGHTER - Unlike I just I don't know, I just think it's true, and I think it's well told if it isn't.
- All right, so it's true.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Lee, truth or lie? It is in fact true.
APPLAUSE Clare Balding.
To win a bet, I presented a three-minute piece to camera, live from Royal Ascot, in a full-length evening gown, with Willie Carson concealed beneath my skirts.
LAUGHTER For people that aren't sure, here's a picture.
LAUGHTER There we are.
- Whose idea was the bet? - The director.
We've come off air, I put on the long ballgown, Willie waits He stands on a box when he's presenting with me normally.
Obviously, to fit under my skirts, he didn't.
In fact, he knelt, and he was quiet as a mouse, he was very good.
LAUGHTER No-one's said it yet, I wanted to say it.
What, sorry, Miranda, what was that? I wanted to say there was a Willie under her skirt.
LAUGHTER Now it's out there, now it's out there.
- I'd like to request someone more mature on my team.
- LAUGHTER DAVID: I mean, I know Willie Carson is not a burly man - No, he's - But I still think, that must be quite a substantial dress.
It was a very, you know, like As you sometimes get in costume dramas.
It didn't have the hoops, but it had a very full skirt.
- But how did he get in, though? Were you stood there? - I stood - Did you go, "Come on, Willie"? - LAUGHTER Well, he crawled along on the ground and then knelt under there, and it's a three-minute piece, so the first two minutes was absolutely fine, and on I went, and rattled on about normal racing stuff, and then he started to giggle, and that's what gave it away, - but because we got two of the three minutes, the bet was won.
- Recreate the piece to camera.
OK, so I stand there and I say, "Hello and welcome to Royal Ascot, "we've had a stunning first day here with a win for Frankie Dettori.
"We saw his flying dismount" And then this first squeak then, from Willie He goes SHE SQUEAKS Cos he's got a very high laugh.
And I, like, smacked him and said, stop.
LAUGHTER - Is this why Channel Four have got the horse racing? - Probably.
- Right, David, what do you think? - What do you think, Dale? Do you know, I'm really beginning to believe that she'd have done it for a prank.
I think it was an excellent acting performance, but I believe it to be a lie.
Oh, you see, now I have to make the decision.
- LAUGHTER - But I think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie? - I think that's Yeah.
- OK, Clare.
- Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - I was telling the It was a lie.
THEY LAUGH APPLAUSE - BUZZER - Er It's me.
I recently had to be rescued by supermarket staff after I fell into the chest freezer, trying to reach the last packet of Yorkshire puddings.
LAUGHTER So you've fallen in.
- Yes.
- Talk us through the next bit.
Look, imagine, right, imagine that this Imagine this This is the freezer, OK? Right.
So I am here, and I'm looking, and I'm looking round, there's nobody, so I just Ah, yes.
Oh, OK.
I'm going like that.
- I'm going like that, and I'm going, and I'm going - He's in! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And I'm in.
And I'm like that.
- And I hit my hand on the kind of sharp inner edge - Right.
And I went And first of all, I went, "Aah!" And people People kind of So you just stay lying down? Well, I was shocked, Lee! LAUGHTER And as I My little head peeked up LAUGHTER .
.
over the top, and some people, some Welsh people - cos it was Cardiff - came over and said, "Are you all right?" So And they, they kind of You know, I could have got out.
But they sort of helped me up, and, you know, I think they were worried I was going to make a claim.
LAUGHTER Were you tempted to stay in there until someone came to get something, and suddenly go, "Agh"? - LAUGHTER - So what do you think? The bit of the story I don't think is true is the bit when he started talking - LAUGHTER - .
.
up until the point when he just stopped talking then.
It's the fact that he sort of went, "Ooh" IN WELSH ACCENT: "I've cut my hand, I can't get up, I'm Rob Brydon.
" Well, that's not strictly what I said.
I said I looked at my hand with shock, and then somebody ran over straightaway.
I don't think it would take that long for attention to be There would have been a sort of thru-bump kind of noise, and people would have looked round and noticed that the small man who'd previously been there had somehow disappeared, and then naturally have wondered where he may have gone to.
- LAUGHTER I think it's true - Yeah, I think it's true.
.
.
because it's quite a humiliating story, and I don't see why you'd tell it unless it was true.
Er The format of the show? LAUGHTER - Yeah - "I don't see why you'd tell it if it wasn't true"? LAUGHTER Andy, I really think you've been missing something this evening.
LAUGHTER - So, David what are you saying? Given what - I think we've - .
.
Poirot has said here.
- I think we think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
You think it's a lie.
Well, I can tell you, it is a lie.
ALL: Aah APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thank you for watching, goodnight.
APPLAUSE
And joining David Mitchell tonight, Jack Whitehall, Richard Madeley, Gabby Logan, Greg Davis, Richard Osman, Mel Giedroyc, Andy Hamilton, Chris Tarrant, Richard Bacon and Dale Winton.
And so we begin with Round One, it's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and, Richard, you are first up.
My family don't have a swear jar, we have a bore jar.
Whenever a Madeley says something dull, they have to stick a quid in it.
Blimey, have you got a change machine at home? LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee, the Madeley bore jar, could it be true? Well, um Yeah, we'll go with true.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, are all the family members included in this? - It's a compulsory family scheme, yeah.
- OK.
And who would you say We know the answer, but we'll ask it anyway - LAUGHTER - Who would you say has given the most to the jar? - Well, me, obviously.
- You've given the most.
- Yeah.
- And what do you do with the money? - Well, I keep it.
- YOU keep it? - It's my system and it's my jar.
- It's your money! And it's mostly my money, so I tend to keep it.
So basically, there's a jar full of money that you've put in, that you take all the money out and keep.
That is so boring, get a quid in it.
- LAUGHTER - Is it only family? If I came to your house and was just my usual self, would I have to start overloading it? Well, for example, if you came in and started talking about Not Going Out, - obviously, you'd have to put a quid in.
- Ooh.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Trust me, if I was in your house, - I wouldn't be talking about NOT going out.
- LAUGHTER Do you remember the last time you put a - you, not poor Jack or Chloe or long-suffering Judy, the last time that you put a pound in that jar, what was it for? I was reading something about fiscal policy out of the Financial Times, and Judy said, after about three seconds, "jar".
Maybe she was agreeing with you in German.
LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee Mack? Miles.
- I think this is true.
- Do you? Yeah, but I do find I find Richard intrinsically believable.
LAUGHTER - So you think Richard's telling the truth.
Kate? - I think it's complete rubbish.
- You think it's a lie? - Yeah.
- I'm going to say not true.
- Going to say it's a lie.
- Richard, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - Well, I'm afraid the answer is deeply boring.
I lied.
APPLAUSE Bob, you're next.
I have a didgeridoo suspended from a tree in my back garden so that when the wind blows in a particular direction, it parps soothing sounds of the outback into my bedroom window.
LAUGHTER - David's team, what do you think? - Parps soothing sounds of the outback? Yes.
What a poetic way of putting it.
Thank you.
- Um - Do you genuinely believe that that particular instrument makes a parp? How would you describe it, Greg? Er-ar er-ar, er-ar LAUGHTER LEE: All do it, audience! And how soothed do you feel? Right, everyone stop parping.
I get this every night in my house, please! Where is it, Bob, it's in a tree? - Yeah.
- And you've made a conscious decision to put it in the tree? - Yeah.
I thought you said it was hanging from a tree? What it is is, it's trapped in a V, I think.
Is there a name for that area of a tree, - is it called the Clooney or something? - A Clooney? LAUGHTER What's the George Clooney's holding a didgeridoo up a tree in his garden, why don't you believe this? This part of your finger there is called the Clooney.
- Is it? - So I'm assuming I never knew that.
That's why I said Clooney.
Where it And it's wedged there.
It's wedged in the tree's V.
Yes.
It's wedged horizontally in the tree's V facing south east, - which is the prevailing wind where - I - live.
Where do you live, not Britain? - Britain.
- No, the prevailing wind in Britain is south westerly.
It doesn't happen every night.
Right.
LAUGHTER So tell us what this sound does for you, then.
You're lying in bed at night and you've had a lovely day, you're just settling down, and you hear MAKES DIDGERIDOO NOISE .
.
and then what, what sort of, what happens to you? I'm soothed.
And the mind is soothed.
Do you know you get things that will do the same thing to, say, your throat? Yes.
It does it to the mind.
What if your brain's fine? You don't want to hear that every time it's windy.
- You're always soothing your brain, that's what sleep is.
- Hence the - success of the pillow.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER GREG: Can I just say though, Bob, I've been led to believe by out-of-work hippies over the years - that the didgeridoo is an incredibly difficult instrument to play.
- Yeah.
And yet it would appear that all one has to do is to pass air through it.
LAUGHTER No, well, you have to position it correctly, just as you would have to over your mouth.
I've done that by utilising the Clooney in the tree.
You're using the Clooney of a tree as human lips? LAUGHTER Even to get any kind of noise out of a didgeridoo, the Clooney - which doesn't exist - on Bob's tree PATSY LAUGHS .
.
would have to be flesh-like, - cos an Aboriginal doesn't just go - EXHALES HARD .
.
through it.
Cos it's not just wind, they use their lips.
Very good point, very good point.
LAUGHTER Just coming up this time of year, I'll admit it's a lot better.
In fact, I have a wisteria that grows through the didgeridoo.
DAVID LAUGHS Of course! - And when the wisteria comes into leaf - Yeah.
.
.
not only does it pipe the wind towards the didgeridoo, but it acts as the lips.
LAUGHTER It's long been said that if the wind blows in the right direction through wisteria, it can play any instrument in the world.
LAUGHTER It's time to decide, David.
- OK, we need to make a guess.
- What are you going to say? Um I think it's a lie.
Of course it's a lie.
- We think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
Well, Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was lying.
APPLAUSE Christian, you're next.
For a prank, I once set a friend's legs in plaster casts while he slept.
LAUGHTER David Mitchell's team.
Do you get to take those materials home with you, then, when you're at medical school, or when you're? We're not supposed to Right, were you at medical school at the time? .
.
but we do.
This would have been - Did you say was he at medical school? - At the time.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- No, I am not - I thought you were accusing him! ANDY: Christian, why did you play this prank on your friend? Because he'd got blind drunk, as only medical students can do.
And he was drunk as you were putting the plaster cast on him, or? - He'd actually passed out by that stage.
- Right.
- He was sleeping.
- Was it Can you get struck off for this? - No.
- Oh, right.
LAUGHTER - Anyone? - Presumably, you had to have a plan, didn't you? You didn't just happen to chance upon the plaster casting equipment.
Um We decided we were going to plaster him from his ankles all the way up to his hips, with his legs apart like that.
LAUGHTER He never woke up the whole time you're touching him? And presumably, right the way up to the top of his groin.
Have you ever drunk Yes.
All right.
LAUGHTER Did you first take his trousers down? We did, yeah.
Oh, the humiliation.
- Did you take his underpants off as well? - No, we left the undies on.
And you said, "we".
Who were the accomplices here? I had mates that were involved.
Name them.
- Matthew, Mark - Luke and John? LAUGHTER Is that the gospel now, or are you - Gospel.
- Gospel.
- Andy, did you miss that? I said, is that the gospel? - Yeah, yeah.
I didn't miss it, Rob.
LAUGHTER And when he woke up, what was his reaction? He thought he'd had a stroke.
- Because he couldn't even - Move his legs.
- DAVID: That's very bad self-diagnosis.
- Aah.
Poor fella! LAUGHTER - David, what are you thinking? - Um Andy? I think the medical student thing, knowing how their minds work, I think it might be true.
And you're edging towards? I did think it was a lie, and now I think it might be true.
OK, we'll say it's true.
Say it's true.
All right, Dr Christian, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - It is true.
- Well done.
Xander, you're next.
Last year, I was amused to discover that in one weekend, I'd had a curry with Andy Murray, been bowling with JK Rowling LAUGHTER .
.
and attended an odd party with Todd Carty.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, David, what do you think? Well, what a weekend that was! What was odd about the party? Where do I begin? LAUGHTER Er, the first indication that it was an odd party There were chicken wings that were brought around, for example, that everybody dived on, and it was only when we'd eaten most of the plate when somebody went, "Mmm, mmm" and then, "This is still quite red," and we all noticed that actually, nothing had really been cooked at all.
So we were all, er We were all dicing with salmonella.
Erm There was a husband and wife there who had the most enormous row I mean, it's just, it was a very odd So a row and disappointing food.
Yes, disappointing.
This is a normal party.
LAUGHTER I'm fascinated with the bowling with Rowling.
Was it the sort of bowling which ladies of a certain age in white do in parks? - No, sir.
- Or was it ten pin, three fingers in the old, and? - Ten pin, three fingers, yes.
- Ten pin and three fingers.
LAUGHTER - Did you have to change from your normal shoes - You bet.
- .
.
into the red, white and blue - Yes.
- .
.
sort of comedy bowling shoes? No, we had purple shoes.
This was the livery of this rather chic - It was posh.
- .
.
bowling place.
- It was a posh place.
- Where was the chic bowling place? - Yeah! - The chic bowling place was in London's Bayswater.
- Oh, I've been there.
- LEE: I've been there.
- MEL: Are the shoes purple? LEE: That's where JK Rowling goes.
That one.
- The Rowling alley, as they - MEL: What's Jo - LAUGHTER - Let's cut back - Yeah.
- .
.
to Murray and curry.
- The curry.
We were in this rather large curry house in Milton Keynes.
CHRIS: Milton Keynes! Why were you in Milton Keynes in a large curry house? - MEL: Yes.
Exactly.
- CHRIS: With Andy Murray.
- Yeah.
- MEL: Exactly.
It was a charity event, after which we went, we repaired, to a sort of mini Taj Mahal building in Milton Keynes.
At another table, though, three people, who'd been sitting there for quite a long time, we hadn't noticed, eventually we spotted were Andy Murray, Mrs Murray, and someone who I can only imagine was his agent.
- And - Right.
- .
.
we, er, after a little while, obviously, felt we'd better go and tell him he was Andy Murray.
So you went and talked to him? Well, only to tell him he was Andy Murray.
LAUGHTER - So what are you going to say, David? - Well, I'm - Is this true? - .
.
stuck, you see.
What do you think, Chris? Well, he's just got a little shifty little face, hasn't he? LAUGHTER So you think basically it's a lie? I think basically it's a lie.
MEL: You know, Xander's a man about town, - he's quite, "Hello" You know, I can imagine when the - LAUGHTER I can imagine him in the purple bowling shoes and the, you know, the Andy Murray, I can imagine that.
At a party with uncooked chicken wings and Todd Carty I can't, I don't know.
- I think it's probably a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie.
Xander.
Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? It is, in fact a lie.
Oh! APPLAUSE - BUZZER - It's David.
Once a week, I love to eat a full English breakfast, but can only do so if I am entirely stripped to the waist.
LAUGHTER - Lee's team, what do you think? - Hmm, once a week, you say? - Yeah.
- Any particular day of the week? At the weekend, usually a Saturday or a Sunday.
- I know what the weekend is, David.
- Mmm-hmm.
- DIANE: Do you cook it? Do you cook it in that state of undress, or do you get undressed once it's cooked? I I get undressed once it's cooked.
LAUGHTER Only I mean, there's a limit to the amount of undressing required, I mean, I take my top off.
Boxers, or? No, it's I think it's waist up, I think he said.
- Oh! - Yes.
- Waist up.
It would be odd if he had a breakfast and from the waist down, he stripped naked.
That would be odd if you went round to his house, said, "Thank you, David, for the sausage and beans.
" "We're not done yet.
" Yeah.
LAUGHTER No, that's Get them off.
Are none of you going to ask why? - CHRISTIAN: I'm about to ask.
- GABBY: Oh, good.
What on God's earth function does taking your top off play in this breakfast? - In many ways, I've lost a lot of self respect - You have.
.
.
over the years, and sometimes, I like to wallow in that.
LAUGHTER In that case, we think it's true.
LAUGHTER I do find there's a certain amount of splatter involved in the eating of a full English breakfast.
Is this getting sexual? Not from my point of view.
LAUGHTER Is this on your own, or would someone join you? I More usually, on my own, but I wouldn't - ROB LAUGHS - Would you like someone to join you? - I don't think so, really.
- I'm not offering.
LAUGHTER Can I ask a question? Gabby, do you like a fried breakfast? LAUGHTER - David is this - Hang on.
- Sorry.
LAUGHTER Is this for practical reasons, as you say, just to stop the splashing, or is it a lovely sense of liberation? I think it's partly practical.
Partly, yes, of course, you feel closer to nature.
LAUGHTER So what are you thinking, Lee, what are you going to say, is he telling the truth here? - Christian, what do you think, do you eat with your clothes on? - I do, I do.
You don't strip off for any reason to do with eating? No, not really.
Do you think he does? LAUGHTER Having got to know David during the course of this evening, I rather suspect he does.
LAUGHTER Diane, do you? Do I? No, I do not, no.
No, I mean Oh! Sorry.
I was going to say do you believe LAUGHTER I was going to say do you believe it? I wasn't taking the opportunity to go, do you have fry-ups, do you want to come round my house, will you take your top off? I wasn't going to say that.
Of course not.
I was thinking it.
I was absolutely thinking it.
I'd never've said it out loud, but now you've brought it up Do you want to come round on Sunday? I've got Birds Eye Potato Waffles.
LAUGHTER - Do you think David is telling the truth, or do you? - I think he's telling the truth.
- I think David's a well brought up, educated chap.
- Yes.
He'd never do anything quite so stupid.
- Never.
He'd have breakfast in a bow tie.
- So it's not true.
- I'm on lie now, yeah.
OK.
We have to go with lie, then.
- You're going to say lie.
- David, truth or lie? - Please don't be true.
It is a lie.
- Thank God for that.
- APPLAUSE Next, it's Jim.
After being knocked unconscious by a Frisbee for three days, I could only speak in a thick Scottish accent.
LAUGHTER - David's team.
- Oh Bit harsh, though, just cos you're Scottish, doesn't mean you're thick, does it? LAUGHTER So what was the occasion of being hit by the Frisbee? I was playing with my daughter and her friends, and we were playing Frisbee, you know, with a bunch of people, and this young lad just let it go, and it just caught me right on the side of the head.
- Er - Did you pass out first? - Well, I No, I Well, I don't know, really.
I went sort of strange and I had to sit down, but I don't think I physically So you sat down, feeling a bit dizzy.
- Head between my knees.
- You sat down and at some point, someone asked, how are you feeling? And you found yourself answering I think I said, "I'll tak' the high road "and you tak' the low road and I'll" And that was Was it just the voice, or for the next three days, did you not eat lettuce and loathe the English as well? LAUGHTER ARMANDO: Some of us do eat lettuce.
Yeah.
In fact, I went up to the, erm, the Accident and Emergency, and somebody there when they met me, and was convinced by my wife, who took me there, that I wasn't Scottish, said tried to calm me down and said, "It will go away.
" Your wife needed to be there to persuade, just to say, "I'm sorry, he's not really Scottish.
" Cos they get a lot of people who are just Scottish but want to be cured.
LAUGHTER Frisbees are dangerous things.
I took my son out, my oldest son, when he was about five or six, to a field area - a field - and I said LAUGHTER .
.
I said, "Stand there, we are going to enjoy the Frisbee.
" So he stood over there - I wish you were my dad! - And I LAUGHTER What I hadn't told him was that he was meant to catch the Frisbee.
So he stood there full of the trust of a trusting son, like that, and I did a great throw You know when you straighten the arm, so it goes? And it went, "Tssh," and he looked at it with a lovely innocent face - LAUGHTER - .
.
and it went, "Bang!" There.
And blood went, "Psh!" And the shock on his face that his father had done this to him.
LAUGHTER IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "What the hell have you done, you idiot?!" LAUGHTER - So what are you thinking, David? - Well, I EMILY: Oh, totally true.
Well, I Well, this is my concern.
Jim has very reasonably been reticent about doing a Scottish accent in this bit of the game.
I suspect, and maybe I'm wrong, and Jim can prove me wrong, or otherwise.
But I don't think that he necessarily does a very convincing Scottish accent.
- Ooh - Jim Carter can't do a Scottish accent? Well, because lots of people can't do various accents, lots of very good actors can't do certain accents.
And I think it would be unlikely that the accent you'd get if concussed would be one that you couldn't previously do.
- I disagree with that entirely.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Well, get your own team.
LAUGHTER Just give us a little taste of this voice, if you can use the great - Use your tool, your great actor's tool - My tool, yes.
.
.
to give us a little bit of this voice.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't I don't feel very well, I think I'm a bit, a bit woozy.
LAUGHTER That's lovely, isn't it? It's Radio 4, it's Saturday afternoon, it's a play.
All right, so, David, truth or lie, what are you going to say? Um, what do you think? - I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - I'll take the hit.
- I think it might be true.
I Well OK, I think we're going to say it's true, then.
Jim Carter, were you telling the truth or were you lying? Er I was telling a lie.
- Oh - APPLAUSE Who'd have thought that? Erm Next.
- BUZZER - It's Lee.
I got stuck for half an hour in a men's toilet because I couldn't find the door.
LAUGHTER So where was this men's toilet? - Next to the ladies'.
- LAUGHTER Were you on your own? Yes.
LAUGHTER And where was the? - Apart from somebody singing some Wham! song, I don't know who he was.
- LAUGHTER And where was this ladies' toilet that it was next to? It was in the place I worked at, which was a bingo hall.
RICHARD: And so presumably, you'd managed to find the door on the way in? - No.
- LAUGHTER Without being facetious.
Oh, I didn't do THAT.
You found the door.
I stood up LAUGHTER You found the door on the way in.
I did find the door on the way in.
You took a number one, number two? No, I walked, I didn't get a bus.
LAUGHTER - You've popped into the toilet.
- Yes.
It doesn't really matter what you've gone to do.
Well, I think what does matter is whether or not he'd gone into a cubicle, - or was just approaching a urinal.
- Yes, that's a good question.
- And how long it took you.
Given you'd just walked through the door that then you couldn't find.
- Walked in the door, I went to the urinal - Yeah.
The door closed, and then I'm now stuck in that toilet for half an hour.
Why was it that you couldn't find the door once it had closed? Because I went in, and it was late at night, and the building had started to shut down, and so I went in, and just as I got to the urinal, the last bit of the door closes, and it's now as pitch black as you can possibly imagine.
The other bit to the story I've not mentioned is that I was absolutely hammered.
LAUGHTER And so So I started getting a bit confused.
I went back to what I thought was the middle of the room, I'm drunk, but now I've lost all bearings - DAVID LAUGHS - And so I felt my - I wish I really wish this was on infra-red somewhere.
LAUGHTER I was There was a guy with a video camera, the Wham! guy, funnily enough.
LAUGHTER And eventually, a door opened, cos someone came looking for me, and as the door opened, I realised I'd lost my bearings so much that I just Every time I'd gone round, I'd missed the door.
I think that this is true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
I'm not sure, I think it's where he worked, - and I think there's going to be some light bleeding around a door, isn't there? - Do you You don't think it's true? No, but if you both do It's definitely unlikely, but all the things are unlikely.
You think it's unlike Lee? - LAUGHTER - Unlike I just I don't know, I just think it's true, and I think it's well told if it isn't.
- All right, so it's true.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Lee, truth or lie? It is in fact true.
APPLAUSE Clare Balding.
To win a bet, I presented a three-minute piece to camera, live from Royal Ascot, in a full-length evening gown, with Willie Carson concealed beneath my skirts.
LAUGHTER For people that aren't sure, here's a picture.
LAUGHTER There we are.
- Whose idea was the bet? - The director.
We've come off air, I put on the long ballgown, Willie waits He stands on a box when he's presenting with me normally.
Obviously, to fit under my skirts, he didn't.
In fact, he knelt, and he was quiet as a mouse, he was very good.
LAUGHTER No-one's said it yet, I wanted to say it.
What, sorry, Miranda, what was that? I wanted to say there was a Willie under her skirt.
LAUGHTER Now it's out there, now it's out there.
- I'd like to request someone more mature on my team.
- LAUGHTER DAVID: I mean, I know Willie Carson is not a burly man - No, he's - But I still think, that must be quite a substantial dress.
It was a very, you know, like As you sometimes get in costume dramas.
It didn't have the hoops, but it had a very full skirt.
- But how did he get in, though? Were you stood there? - I stood - Did you go, "Come on, Willie"? - LAUGHTER Well, he crawled along on the ground and then knelt under there, and it's a three-minute piece, so the first two minutes was absolutely fine, and on I went, and rattled on about normal racing stuff, and then he started to giggle, and that's what gave it away, - but because we got two of the three minutes, the bet was won.
- Recreate the piece to camera.
OK, so I stand there and I say, "Hello and welcome to Royal Ascot, "we've had a stunning first day here with a win for Frankie Dettori.
"We saw his flying dismount" And then this first squeak then, from Willie He goes SHE SQUEAKS Cos he's got a very high laugh.
And I, like, smacked him and said, stop.
LAUGHTER - Is this why Channel Four have got the horse racing? - Probably.
- Right, David, what do you think? - What do you think, Dale? Do you know, I'm really beginning to believe that she'd have done it for a prank.
I think it was an excellent acting performance, but I believe it to be a lie.
Oh, you see, now I have to make the decision.
- LAUGHTER - But I think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie? - I think that's Yeah.
- OK, Clare.
- Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? - I was telling the It was a lie.
THEY LAUGH APPLAUSE - BUZZER - Er It's me.
I recently had to be rescued by supermarket staff after I fell into the chest freezer, trying to reach the last packet of Yorkshire puddings.
LAUGHTER So you've fallen in.
- Yes.
- Talk us through the next bit.
Look, imagine, right, imagine that this Imagine this This is the freezer, OK? Right.
So I am here, and I'm looking, and I'm looking round, there's nobody, so I just Ah, yes.
Oh, OK.
I'm going like that.
- I'm going like that, and I'm going, and I'm going - He's in! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And I'm in.
And I'm like that.
- And I hit my hand on the kind of sharp inner edge - Right.
And I went And first of all, I went, "Aah!" And people People kind of So you just stay lying down? Well, I was shocked, Lee! LAUGHTER And as I My little head peeked up LAUGHTER .
.
over the top, and some people, some Welsh people - cos it was Cardiff - came over and said, "Are you all right?" So And they, they kind of You know, I could have got out.
But they sort of helped me up, and, you know, I think they were worried I was going to make a claim.
LAUGHTER Were you tempted to stay in there until someone came to get something, and suddenly go, "Agh"? - LAUGHTER - So what do you think? The bit of the story I don't think is true is the bit when he started talking - LAUGHTER - .
.
up until the point when he just stopped talking then.
It's the fact that he sort of went, "Ooh" IN WELSH ACCENT: "I've cut my hand, I can't get up, I'm Rob Brydon.
" Well, that's not strictly what I said.
I said I looked at my hand with shock, and then somebody ran over straightaway.
I don't think it would take that long for attention to be There would have been a sort of thru-bump kind of noise, and people would have looked round and noticed that the small man who'd previously been there had somehow disappeared, and then naturally have wondered where he may have gone to.
- LAUGHTER I think it's true - Yeah, I think it's true.
.
.
because it's quite a humiliating story, and I don't see why you'd tell it unless it was true.
Er The format of the show? LAUGHTER - Yeah - "I don't see why you'd tell it if it wasn't true"? LAUGHTER Andy, I really think you've been missing something this evening.
LAUGHTER - So, David what are you saying? Given what - I think we've - .
.
Poirot has said here.
- I think we think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Yeah.
You think it's a lie.
Well, I can tell you, it is a lie.
ALL: Aah APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thank you for watching, goodnight.
APPLAUSE