Californication s06e10 Episode Script

Previously on Californication: What do you do in the real world? I traverse the globe with musicians.
- You're a groupie.
- "Muse" would really be more applicable.
- Men have written songs about me.
- I can see why.
- Want to get high? - The Pope shit in the woods? - You have anything to roll with? - Don't call it the good book for nothing.
I feel so bad.
- Need to hit the road.
- This is fate.
Tiny talked about you all the time.
He said that you had an uncanny ability to suck killer riffs out of him.
I'll have you know, I was a very good little Catholic schoolgirl.
You trying to turn me on? My parents, they hit me pretty hard once upon a time.
I'm still smarting.
I played at this stupid little church social.
All my mom had to say was that I looked like a slut up there.
- Methinks you like this one, Faith.
- She likes him.
I can tell.
- You seem to have a real connection.
- It could be a real thing.
I have big news.
Tonight I am making love to a woman.
Karen, this is bullshit.
He poops on people.
That woman is amazing.
Okay, so the reason I've summoned you both to dinner - Oh, God! - I have news.
Jesus Christ.
- Why do you go there so quickly? - It's never good news with her.
It's always disgusting, stomach-churning awful.
She's Bad-News Becca.
Could you at least let her speak first? - Please.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
- So I've decided - To go back to school! That is awesome.
- Shut up! UP high.
Someone.
Anyone.
I've decided to go abroad for an indeterminate amount of time.
Why? - I hate L.
A.
- Okay, word.
I'm with you on that.
But go back to school, graduate, and then you can go abroad.
I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
I wanna follow in the footsteps of my favorite expatriate writers.
- I love that.
- Burroughs, Paul Bowles, Henry Miller.
That's wonderful.
Going on a pilgrimage does not make you a writer.
Only thing that makes you a writer is gluing your ass in a seat and getting what's inside your head out on the paper.
Everything else is a pose.
Just, you can expat yourself on the back and go "pilgrimate" after you've done something, had some success.
Why can't I do both? It just seems so romantic.
That's just it, Becca.
You know things that seem romantic very rarely are.
- Ain't that the truth.
- Don't get all loaded with me, woman.
- Another good talk.
- Sweetie - Becca, I love the idea.
- You know We can get through this muck and mire if we just gave in to our baser instincts and engaged in a little therapeutic hate-fucking.
Okay, fine.
You know, I'm not sure I'd be into it even if you were.
Know why? - Because you're sullied and shit.
- You love that shit.
No, no, you're just You're all soiled and shit.
Sullied.
Shit.
It was great.
So free.
On the road.
- Hey.
- Hi.
How are you? - How's it going? - Is this a bad time? No, of course not.
This is Beckett.
This is Hank Moody.
- He's a writer and a drinker.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
He's working on that musical with your brother.
Oh, really? I hope that spoiled little ginger's treating you all right.
Yeah.
He's sweet, actually.
I just gotta slap him upside the head every now and then.
Or give him a titty twister.
Don't I know it? Beckett just got off the road.
Yeah, Faith's been kind enough to house-sit for me while I've been gone.
And what is my reward? I get kicked to the curb.
Come on.
I met a model in Australia so she's moving in.
Who knows? She might even be the one.
Oh, baby, good luck with that.
- I gotta try, right? You gotta keep trying.
- You do.
It's not as if you'd let me make an honest groupie out of you.
Well, you never asked, so Hey, does Atticus know about this special little friendship? - Fuck, no.
- Oh, God, no.
- Destroy him.
His head would explode.
- Which would fuck up that fabulous weave he's got going.
Let's do it.
Oh, I like this guy.
Yeah, he's okay.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Why? I don't know, you kind of got the bum's rush back there.
- Hey! - Comes with the territory.
Guy goes on tour for the better part of a year, he'll come back with something or someone.
- I don't need your pity.
- Okay, then I will retract it and you will see neither hide nor hair of it ever again.
Thank you.
- But how do you live? - What do you mean? Well, you don't work.
You just kind of - Float? - Yeah.
Yes, I do, and I like it that way.
- Here's your beers.
- Thank you, sir.
Things just have a way of working out.
And men have been especially kind to me.
Understandably so, but what is next? Well, I'm not sure yet.
I think we should keep drinking and something will eventually suggest itself.
That's what my mom always used to say.
You can crash at Charlie's if you need to.
But where would I sleep? What? Telemarketers? Worse, my mother.
She's a bit of a cunt.
Scratch that.
She takes the warm and fuzzy out of "cunt.
" I like that.
And I'm gonna steal that.
Fair warning.
One day I will use that.
Oh, be my guest.
I guarantee you she wants me to come home.
Moms are good like that.
Yep.
Well, when I do, it's always a fucking disaster.
- She doesn't approve of the lifestyle.
- Moms are good like that too.
- How long's it been? - Fuck if I know, dude.
I've been with the circus a while, so let's just say it's been a spell.
If you want advice from a guy who's watching his daughter sow her oats you should go visit them.
You know, what's the harm? Just throw them a bone.
Okay.
I'll go if you go.
- What? - Come on.
It'll be super awesome bringing home a relatively normal boyfriend type.
Thank you.
Gee, thanks.
You're sick as they come, but you're better at passing for normal.
- Do I have to get on a plane? - Nope.
Just the 405.
- Let's do it.
- Pretty sweet, huh? I know this place.
I grew up in this place.
It was about Getting back in the car and driving really fast into a wall - is looking pretty appealing right now.
- Oh, come on, it's time to face the Muzak.
Too late.
Faith? Is that you? - Hey, Mom.
- I've been calling you.
I left messages.
Well, I thought I would surprise you.
So surprise! - I'm surprised.
- Surprise.
- Hey.
- Oh, look at you.
- Okay, just say it.
- What? Come on, just go ahead and say it.
- Then we can move on.
- You look like a slut.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you, Mom.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, who's your friend? - Hi, Mrs.
Faith's Mom.
- This is - Nice to meet you.
- This is Hank Moody, Mom.
Hank the Hugger.
That's what we call him.
- Is he your boyfriend? - Ish.
Frenemy, really.
Where's all the tattoos and the long, filthy hair? Oh, I I I left those in the car.
I was trying to make a good impression.
Oh, good.
You can help me with the groceries.
Jack, where are you? I've got a surprise.
You didn't tell me you grew up in a religious supply store.
Oh, well, that's why I'm such a slut.
- Yeah.
- Jack, guess what.
Faith's here.
He's watching TV.
What else would he be doing? Jesus Christ! What are you doing? - What? - You're watching nasty movies? The hell I am.
I was just switching through the channels - and this one caught my eye.
- Because it's naked women.
I'm surprised you're not touching yourself.
Who else is going to? Will you watch your mouth? Faith is here.
What? Well, why didn't you tell me? Turn that off before she gets in here.
- Faith.
- Dad.
Hi.
Who's this clown? Hank Moody, sir.
Nice to meet you.
- Where's the tattoo and long hair? - It would appear you have a type.
- Well - You staying for dinner? Why not? Hey, do me a favor.
Will you run to the store and get me some booze? Your mother refuses to buy it for me.
She She thinks I drink too much.
- She's probably right, Dad.
- Well, wouldn't you? - Hey, you like to drink? - Does the Pope shit in the woods? You better watch it, pal.
That woman will burn you at the stake for talking like that.
What was that for? No, no, don't tell me.
Just Just do it again.
Okay, now, what was that for? For encouraging me to come.
Oh, I always encourage women to come.
It It does not always happen, but I like to think that I'm at least encouraging.
- Classy.
- Is that? Faith? Is that you? Oh, my God, it is you.
Holy shit.
You look fucking amazing! - Thanks.
You too.
- Shannon.
Shannon Mitchell.
- No, of course.
Shannon.
Hi.
Hi.
- I look like a fucking fat pig.
That's probably why you don't recognize me.
Oh, stop, stop.
This is amazing.
- Your first? - I wish, dude.
My third.
Who's that guy? That your husband? - No.
No, no, no.
- God, no.
Fiancé.
Charles Wolfgang Runkle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
This is so weird.
I never thought you'd have a fiancé.
I heard you were out there slutting around, fucking a bunch of rock dudes.
Somebody said they saw you in a music video or on a sex tape or something.
Well, what's the difference, really? - Don't believe everything you hear.
- This girl she used to be quiet as a mouse.
Always had her face buried in some book.
And then one day she exploded.
She got super hot and fucked everyone.
- Oh, good for you, honey.
- Okay.
All right.
That's not entirely true, but She fucked my husband, even.
- Really? Did I? - Yeah.
Larry Walters.
Remember, you fucked Larry Walters? - Larry Walters.
- I vaguely, yeah.
He played guitar for Mysstery, two S's.
- He remembers you.
- Guitar player.
Larry.
Dude, get your ass over here.
It's Faith from American Martyrs.
Oh, Faith.
Holy shit! Larry.
Looking good.
Hey.
- This is so awesome.
- Hey.
- So fucking abso It just is.
- Don't forget your change.
How's your mom and dad? I bet they're so happy to see you because you never come home, ever.
I see your mom in Target sometimes.
She tries to tell everyone you joined the Peace Corps, which is funny because we all know you just hopped on a rock 'n roll tour bus and never looked back.
I guess she's still embarrassed - about all that stuff that - Yeah, well - What happened? - It's not Another story for another day.
- Oh, well, then - We should get together grab a drink.
- Yeah, we totally should.
- We totally should.
You probably shouldn't be drinking in your condition.
Come on, spritzers don't hurt.
Little puff of weed every now and then.
They try to tell you it hurts the baby.
It don't.
I think Cletus the Fetus in there might disagree with you.
He's fine.
He's seen a lot.
What? What? Look at that.
Oh, look at that, honey.
I should probably - We should take this together.
- We should.
Your phone's not ringing.
I have it on silent.
You didn't hear that? But there's nothing on the screen.
- It's on vibrate.
- I can tell you're shaking your phone.
Well, guess what.
I have Bell's palsy.
- Sorry.
- Oh, it's It's fine.
- Great seeing you.
Bye.
- You too.
See you soon, hopefully.
Stop staring, you fat fuck.
I totally fucked her.
Mom, thank you.
This looks amazing.
Oh, who wants to say grace? Oh, hey, why don't we just take a break from mumbling over our food before we eat? What do you think? What is this? You've got an audience? What, you're showing off? Know something? I grew up in a house where we closed our eyes and mumbled almost every meal.
- I'm good with it.
- Come on, Dad.
Bless us, O Lord, for these, thy gifts, for which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Pass that - And And Dear Lord, thank you so much for bringing our daughter Faith home to us and watching over her while she's been out whoring with the devil's children and protecting her and keeping her from harm and keeping her from sexually transmitted diseases.
Through Jesus' name we pray.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- So, that happened.
- Yeah.
So how did you two meet? Oh, it's a really funny story, actually.
It's actually the cutest of meets.
I wasn't feeling very well about myself at the time, and I ended up at What, a church? It's a church-like place.
I mean, they talked a lot about God there.
- They did.
- Anyway, there she was.
- And - I was feeling pretty lousy myself.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Faith, I'm so glad - you're still talking to him.
- Yeah, me too.
- Okay - So this one over here - was pretty annoying at first.
- Oh, I was annoying? - Yeah.
- He went out of his way, really.
We got to talking and we actually bonded over a page of the Old Testament.
How wonderful.
Faith certainly knows her Bible backwards and forwards.
- She inhales her Bible.
- All true.
She made me feel a lot better about myself at the time - and we've been hanging out ever since.
- Well, that is a very nice story.
Does this mean you're turning over a new leaf, sweetheart? What What does that mean? Well, it sounds like you're no longer degrading yourself by hanging outwith those perverted musicians all the time.
- Okay - You know some of those musicians have written songs about her.
Sure, after she sucked their filthy penises.
- All right - Come on, oh Why do you assume they're filthy? What's so bad about a blow job between friends? Men love it when you suck their dicks.
It makes them so happy, Mom.
Amen.
Amen, huh? - What? - Watch yourself.
Hey, I agree with Mrs.
Faith's Mom on this one.
I find penises unilaterally disgusting.
Can we talk about something other than penises? I mean, filthy or otherwise? You like sports? Sadly, I am not I know you're gonna deduct points for that.
My apologies.
But I'm a huge fan of your daughter.
I think she's amazing.
And I think you two should be very proud.
- I'll drink to that.
- We were very, very proud when she dedicated her life to him and - Who? - Him.
- Oh, him.
That guy.
Of course.
Of course.
- Yeah.
- What What did that entail? - Can we just not? But then she abandoned him and kind of humiliated our family.
I don't really know how many times I can say I'm sorry.
- Green beans? - Please.
He forgives all of his children.
- Good.
Good to know.
- Unfortunately, I have not.
- There it is.
Shocker.
- Roll? But in spite of your limitations and your mean-spirited bullshit - I love you.
I forgive you.
- You forgive me? Goddamn it! She didn't wanna become a fucking nun! What's wrong with that? How can you blame her? - What kind of life is that for someone? - Excuse me.
Mary - Thanks, Dad.
- Jesus.
"Thanks, Dad"? Thanks? For what? Why do you gotta get her all worked up over this? You know this is gonna happen.
You don't come and visit, and when you do we always end up talking about the same thing.
Why can't we have dinner, talk about? I don't know, the fucking weather? You were a nun? Kind of gross, huh? It would be if you were one of those wrinkly old war horses, but you're not so it's kind of hot.
Well, I know it was a little extreme, but I have been looking for something bigger than myself my whole life.
And for a while, it was really nice.
But I just couldn't live that way.
Oh, I understand.
The nunnery's loss is humanity's gain.
The sisters caught me getting off once which was hugely, hugely embarrassing.
But They told you not to make a habit of it.
The funny thing is, I'm still looking, searching.
I still believe.
It's all connected somehow even sex and God and rock 'n' roll.
Well, believe it or not, I have this recurring dream about church and a nun.
- Really? - Yeah.
What typically happens in such a dream? Typically, I come in filled with angst.
I wanna have a conversation with the guy up on the wall there.
And then this nun shows up.
She's very pleasant.
- Very agreeable.
- And how does it end? In a very blasphemous manner.
Eyes up here, you.
Who says dreams don't come true? Faith? Hey, do me a favor.
Go apologize to your mother, will you? She's been crying and praying ever since you left.
- Come on.
- Please? I know she's out of her fucking mind, but she's still your mother.
All right.
All right.
Hey, Hank, grab a seat.
- Want a beer? - Don't mind if I do.
Here you go.
You got kids? Yeah, one daughter from a previous romantic entanglement.
Oh, yeah, daughters are the fucking worst.
Tell me about it.
I got two.
One's gonna end up just like her mother and the other one looking for God in the back of a tour bus.
Is that really how you feel about her? If you do, then I feel sorry for you.
Well, then feel sorry for me.
- I don't really know her anymore.
- You should get to know her.
She's great.
I think you'd be surprised.
You know, I never told her this.
I was so happy when she got into all that Jesus stuff.
You know, as a father you worry about all those dirtbags out there.
And I just thought, "Well, she'll be safe.
" Yeah, that's generally how I feel about my daughter.
In fact, I've secretly hoped that she's a lesbian.
It's not very secret.
I say it every chance I get, actually.
You're a weird fucking guy, you know that? Pretty much, yeah.
If I had it to do all over again I'd encourage her every fucking whim.
I'd say yes instead of no.
I'd laugh instead of yell.
This house was too strict.
She must have felt like a rat in a cage.
Between me and her mother, she couldn't do anything right.
People do strange things when they're judged all the time instead of just being loved.
Cheers.
I'm still shocked you haven't turned this into a sewing room or something.
Too many memories of the little girl I used to know.
It's all I have left.
Don't be so dramatic, please.
Look, I'm sorry if I'm sorry too.
There were a lot of nasty things that just came flying out of my mouth.
I don't know why I always do that.
Old habits, I guess.
We would just like to see you more often.
Can you just be happy that I'm here right now? I know.
It's just that we may not be around forever - and your father really misses you.
- Is he okay? Well, he's a raging alcoholic on the highway to hell, but other than that yeah, he's fine.
And you? Are you trying to tell me something? - Oh, what a beautiful cross.
- Thanks.
It was a present from a really special guy.
Of course.
There's always a guy.
I'm sorry to interrupt but your father started watching soft-core pornography again.
I got uncomfortable.
What a poor, lost soul.
Okay.
Well, I guess you two are, whoa, tired and maybe a little drunk.
I can smell it on both of you.
It's kind of hideous.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night, Mom.
- Okay.
- Good night.
Oh, no.
And you are going to the couch.
- Oh, come on.
- No.
Do I see a ring on that finger? Are you married? Otherwise, you're not gonna sleep together in that bed not under this roof.
No good can come of that.
Greetings and salutations, sire.
I guess it's been kind of a while, huh? But you're looking well.
As ripped as ever, I see.
I'm sorry.
Whatever for, child? I guess I kind of went out for a pack of smokes and never came back.
I left you hanging up there.
What can I do for you, Faith? I miss you.
I need you, especially right now.
I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith, if you will.
Pray with me.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Really? You think? Whoa, Jesus, relax.
There's no need to get your loincloth in a bunch up there.
I think you're forgetting something, Faith.
Jesus loves you.
This is a bummer.
Thought you were waking me to fuck me.
Oh, trust me, I thought about it, but then the urge to flee won out.
You okay? "Drive," she said.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I think we should let her go abroad.
I was already thinking that.
Of course you were, because you're an exceptional parent which is not something I can put on my résumé.
I'm too busy spouting off at the mouth without thinking.
Our daughter wants to go on a literary pilgrimage.
Who does that in this day and age, right? And what kind of malignant asshole wouldn't indulge that sort of behavior however asinine? My thoughts exactly.
You mean we're in agreement on something? It looks like it.
That's a minor fucking miracle, isn't it? You wanna go in and tell her yourself? You come with me.
We'll tell her together.