Childrens Hospital (2010) s06e10 Episode Script
Nils Vildervaan, Professional Interventiomalist
Previously on Childrens Hospital - Meat pies are ready.
- Oh, yay! Think I finally got my recipe perfect.
Mmm! And I want Sy to have the very first bite.
- Oh.
- Wha-- Wait a second.
Where's Sy? He never misses a break-room hang.
It's that new girlfriend of his, Rhonda.
Ever since she came into his life, it's like he's fallen off the face of the earth.
And into Rhonda's mouth.
Mnh.
That's as gross as these meat pies.
Quiet down, everybody! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! The reason I didn't tell you that the cat got loose in the boiler room is because I didn't want everyone to overreact! But it's a health hazard! I've got half the staff looking for it.
But what about the other half? What are they doing? Does this mean you are closing the maternity ward?! And what if I don't have anything to contribute to this conversation? Scre-e-e-e-e-e-e-ech! I'll catch that cat for ya.
But it ain't gonna be easy.
Ain't like running down the pet store, chasing calicos or shorthairs.
This cat'll swallow you whole.
I'll find him for $3,000.
But I'll catch him and kill him -- nine times -- for $10,000.
We don't want you to kill the cat.
We like him.
Sure.
Are you sure? Because we really don't want you to kill the cat.
Right.
No winking.
Want the cat alive.
Dead or alive it is! Let's go, Chief.
Dori, go with the clown.
Let's go kill us a cat.
N-no.
Did you see the new hand-washing protocols? We're supposed to wash all the way down, past our nipple line now.
Yep.
I assume that order came from the central office.
It was Rhonda's idea, and Sy enforced it.
Where are you going with this, Chief? I'm saying she's a troublemaker.
She's stirring the soup, which is unnecessary, because it's a pretty tasty broth.
Point being -- if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Which is another way of saying there's nothing wrong with the way things are now.
It's a tight ship.
In other words, everything is going smoothly, so why, uh Why try to mess with it? I do not like where you went with that.
Hi, folks.
Hey, listen, could we just chew the fat for a skosh? You know how the operating rooms are in, like, separate suites? I was thinking -- what about an open-office environment? No barriers Where there were no barriers, no walls, between the doctors and the nurses, so that the doctors can they can bop around.
Bop around! They're gonna -- boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
What's so funny? I think they're laughing at me.
Listen up.
We will now have a communal space in the operating room, by my orders.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Ohh! There you are.
Aah! You're gonna need a bigger ball of yarn.
I would just love to get an accent wall over here and maybe clear out all of this.
Could you move this right over here? Hi, everybody.
Attention, staff.
Sy's daily affirmation is "Keep on truckin'.
" That is all.
Oh, God! Oh! Shh.
Gotcha! Oh, that cat's dead.
- Yeah, it's pretty dead.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should cut it open! Here we -- What's with the scarf? Oh, it's a Portuguese headdress.
And Rhonda got it for you.
Rhonda thinks that I look younger.
We need to talk.
Right on.
Let's gabbify.
It's about your new girlfriend.
- She's making too many changes.
- Yeah.
Doesn't she have incredible intuition? Something's got to give here, Sy, And I think we all know what that something is.
So, see? What say you, Sy? I say you're jealous.
I say that you're jealous of the fact that I met somebody and I'm having a lot of sex.
I finally feel like an erotic person.
I'm having breakfast for the first time in my life.
- What? - We're glad.
You just can't stand that I'm tasting somebody's body.
- Ooh.
- Mnh.
That I'm drinking her juices.
Oh, boy.
That I'm making her have orgasms and we love going to town on each other's asses! - Oh! God almighty! - Oh, God! Hope everyone's hungry.
- Mmm! - Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! So, did you guys hear? Sy and Rhonda got a place in Santa Fe together.
Ugh! Disgusting! Yucky pie! If we're gonna get through to Sy, we're gonna have to resort to more extreme measures.
Does someone you know suffer from addiction? If so, is someone you know a trained interventionist? If not, I'll be that someone.
Hi.
I'm trained interventionist Nils Vildervaan.
Here's how this is gonna work -- When Sy gets in here, we're gonna around in a circle and we're each gonna tell him why we don't like his girlfriend and we're gonna tell him that he has to dump her, okay? Now, listen -- when Sy realizes this is an intervention, he's not gonna be too happy.
- He's gonna be P.
O.
'd.
- Yeah.
So we're gonna have to gently, but firmly, keep him in the room.
Yeah.
Hello, guys! What's the haps? Hey, Sy.
How you doing? My name's Nils Vildervaan.
I'm a professional interventionist.
- We love you, Sy.
- We love you.
- Sy, have a seat.
- What's happening? Please Sit down, Sy.
Oh, my goodness! What?! What do you see?! - What do you see?! - What is it?! Oh! He got away! You guys chase after him.
I'm gonna try and take a peek at what he was pointing at.
Sy, come back! We're just trying to help you! We love you, Sy.
We love you, Sy! Give me a taste! Give me a taste! Give me a taste! - Get it! Get it! Get it! - Love you, Sy! Get him.
Get him.
Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! It's enough.
It's enough.
It's enough! - We did it.
- We love you, Sy.
But I love her.
It's not about you, Sy.
It's never been about you.
I'll do it.
Do what? Say it.
Buh Say it, Sy! Say the word! I'll break up with her.
Yeah! There you go, little baby boy! We did it, everybody! We broke his spirit! Sy! Where have you been? You were supposed to massage my pubic mound.
I could've died, waiting out there in that hot car.
Sy.
Aren't you going to say something? What is wrong with him? Would you mind explaining the situation to Rhonda, Owen? Outside.
Yeah.
Rhonda, I'm gonna explain the situation to you outside.
And you two are gonna have to take Sy to the detox room.
Let me tell you something -- withdrawal from love addiction is notoriously difficult, so brace yourselves.
Aah! Yee-yee-yee-yee-yee! Oh, God! - Oh, God.
- Ohh.
I hate to say it, Dori, but this ain't our cat.
How do you know? 'cause our cat is inside this cat.
Monster must've eaten her.
So, I guess we got to go tell them.
Tell them what? They're gonna think we killed that cat.
We'll be murderers.
We got to come up with a story.
Okay, so, um, how about w-we found the cat, but she decided to join a band and now she's off touring Europe? Right, and then, six months later, when her tour bus doesn't show up out front, what do we do then, Dori? Think! How about this -- We couldn't find the boiler room.
- Uh-huh.
- No! No! There is no boiler room.
The boiler room doesn't exist.
- Yes! - Yes! Oh, my God.
That's good! No.
No, wait.
They'll never buy that.
Because the boiler room does exist.
- Exactly.
- Oh! Okay.
I got it.
W-we dress the cat up like a big, fat lady.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! And then the big, fat lady - ate the other cat! Right! Right! - Ate our cat! I don't know.
I'm bored with this.
Let's go upstairs! Oh, there he is.
Sy! Are you okay? Hey.
It's Lola.
It's Chief, Sy.
It's Dr.
Owen Maestro.
Why am I wearing all these clothes? Oh.
- Where's Rhonda? Huh? - Oh, Sy, it's over.
You realized she was wrong for you, and you cut her out of your life.
Oh, right.
Who do I have to thank for that? Well, that would be me.
And who are you? I'm Nose Vaandervoot, and I'm a professional imvumnumventialist.
Now, you need to get yourself some rest, Sy.
You've been in here detoxing for 17 months.
- Proud of you, Sy.
- Aww.
Come here.
Come here.
We love you.
We love you.
We love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Mm.
I'm so happy you made it through the detox! You know, Owen, I have to say, these meat pies of yours are really cheering me up.
I think you finally found the perfect storm of ingredients.
No, this batch is amazing.
So, what is your secret ingredient? And whatever happened to Rhonda? So, just to be clear -- I killed Rhonda and put her in the pie.
You all got that? Oh.
Yeah.
I'm trained interventionist and Michael Jackson impersonator Nils Vildervaan.
Is someone you know suffering from abbiction? Abbiction?! If not, I'll be -- What the -- Get the goddamn [bleep.]
boom out of the shot, You piece of [bleep.]
! When we are done shooting this commercial, I will kick your [bleep.]
ass! Is someone you know suffering from addiction? What the [bleep.]
?
- Oh, yay! Think I finally got my recipe perfect.
Mmm! And I want Sy to have the very first bite.
- Oh.
- Wha-- Wait a second.
Where's Sy? He never misses a break-room hang.
It's that new girlfriend of his, Rhonda.
Ever since she came into his life, it's like he's fallen off the face of the earth.
And into Rhonda's mouth.
Mnh.
That's as gross as these meat pies.
Quiet down, everybody! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! The reason I didn't tell you that the cat got loose in the boiler room is because I didn't want everyone to overreact! But it's a health hazard! I've got half the staff looking for it.
But what about the other half? What are they doing? Does this mean you are closing the maternity ward?! And what if I don't have anything to contribute to this conversation? Scre-e-e-e-e-e-e-ech! I'll catch that cat for ya.
But it ain't gonna be easy.
Ain't like running down the pet store, chasing calicos or shorthairs.
This cat'll swallow you whole.
I'll find him for $3,000.
But I'll catch him and kill him -- nine times -- for $10,000.
We don't want you to kill the cat.
We like him.
Sure.
Are you sure? Because we really don't want you to kill the cat.
Right.
No winking.
Want the cat alive.
Dead or alive it is! Let's go, Chief.
Dori, go with the clown.
Let's go kill us a cat.
N-no.
Did you see the new hand-washing protocols? We're supposed to wash all the way down, past our nipple line now.
Yep.
I assume that order came from the central office.
It was Rhonda's idea, and Sy enforced it.
Where are you going with this, Chief? I'm saying she's a troublemaker.
She's stirring the soup, which is unnecessary, because it's a pretty tasty broth.
Point being -- if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Which is another way of saying there's nothing wrong with the way things are now.
It's a tight ship.
In other words, everything is going smoothly, so why, uh Why try to mess with it? I do not like where you went with that.
Hi, folks.
Hey, listen, could we just chew the fat for a skosh? You know how the operating rooms are in, like, separate suites? I was thinking -- what about an open-office environment? No barriers Where there were no barriers, no walls, between the doctors and the nurses, so that the doctors can they can bop around.
Bop around! They're gonna -- boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
What's so funny? I think they're laughing at me.
Listen up.
We will now have a communal space in the operating room, by my orders.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Ohh! There you are.
Aah! You're gonna need a bigger ball of yarn.
I would just love to get an accent wall over here and maybe clear out all of this.
Could you move this right over here? Hi, everybody.
Attention, staff.
Sy's daily affirmation is "Keep on truckin'.
" That is all.
Oh, God! Oh! Shh.
Gotcha! Oh, that cat's dead.
- Yeah, it's pretty dead.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should cut it open! Here we -- What's with the scarf? Oh, it's a Portuguese headdress.
And Rhonda got it for you.
Rhonda thinks that I look younger.
We need to talk.
Right on.
Let's gabbify.
It's about your new girlfriend.
- She's making too many changes.
- Yeah.
Doesn't she have incredible intuition? Something's got to give here, Sy, And I think we all know what that something is.
So, see? What say you, Sy? I say you're jealous.
I say that you're jealous of the fact that I met somebody and I'm having a lot of sex.
I finally feel like an erotic person.
I'm having breakfast for the first time in my life.
- What? - We're glad.
You just can't stand that I'm tasting somebody's body.
- Ooh.
- Mnh.
That I'm drinking her juices.
Oh, boy.
That I'm making her have orgasms and we love going to town on each other's asses! - Oh! God almighty! - Oh, God! Hope everyone's hungry.
- Mmm! - Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! So, did you guys hear? Sy and Rhonda got a place in Santa Fe together.
Ugh! Disgusting! Yucky pie! If we're gonna get through to Sy, we're gonna have to resort to more extreme measures.
Does someone you know suffer from addiction? If so, is someone you know a trained interventionist? If not, I'll be that someone.
Hi.
I'm trained interventionist Nils Vildervaan.
Here's how this is gonna work -- When Sy gets in here, we're gonna around in a circle and we're each gonna tell him why we don't like his girlfriend and we're gonna tell him that he has to dump her, okay? Now, listen -- when Sy realizes this is an intervention, he's not gonna be too happy.
- He's gonna be P.
O.
'd.
- Yeah.
So we're gonna have to gently, but firmly, keep him in the room.
Yeah.
Hello, guys! What's the haps? Hey, Sy.
How you doing? My name's Nils Vildervaan.
I'm a professional interventionist.
- We love you, Sy.
- We love you.
- Sy, have a seat.
- What's happening? Please Sit down, Sy.
Oh, my goodness! What?! What do you see?! - What do you see?! - What is it?! Oh! He got away! You guys chase after him.
I'm gonna try and take a peek at what he was pointing at.
Sy, come back! We're just trying to help you! We love you, Sy.
We love you, Sy! Give me a taste! Give me a taste! Give me a taste! - Get it! Get it! Get it! - Love you, Sy! Get him.
Get him.
Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! It's enough.
It's enough.
It's enough! - We did it.
- We love you, Sy.
But I love her.
It's not about you, Sy.
It's never been about you.
I'll do it.
Do what? Say it.
Buh Say it, Sy! Say the word! I'll break up with her.
Yeah! There you go, little baby boy! We did it, everybody! We broke his spirit! Sy! Where have you been? You were supposed to massage my pubic mound.
I could've died, waiting out there in that hot car.
Sy.
Aren't you going to say something? What is wrong with him? Would you mind explaining the situation to Rhonda, Owen? Outside.
Yeah.
Rhonda, I'm gonna explain the situation to you outside.
And you two are gonna have to take Sy to the detox room.
Let me tell you something -- withdrawal from love addiction is notoriously difficult, so brace yourselves.
Aah! Yee-yee-yee-yee-yee! Oh, God! - Oh, God.
- Ohh.
I hate to say it, Dori, but this ain't our cat.
How do you know? 'cause our cat is inside this cat.
Monster must've eaten her.
So, I guess we got to go tell them.
Tell them what? They're gonna think we killed that cat.
We'll be murderers.
We got to come up with a story.
Okay, so, um, how about w-we found the cat, but she decided to join a band and now she's off touring Europe? Right, and then, six months later, when her tour bus doesn't show up out front, what do we do then, Dori? Think! How about this -- We couldn't find the boiler room.
- Uh-huh.
- No! No! There is no boiler room.
The boiler room doesn't exist.
- Yes! - Yes! Oh, my God.
That's good! No.
No, wait.
They'll never buy that.
Because the boiler room does exist.
- Exactly.
- Oh! Okay.
I got it.
W-we dress the cat up like a big, fat lady.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! And then the big, fat lady - ate the other cat! Right! Right! - Ate our cat! I don't know.
I'm bored with this.
Let's go upstairs! Oh, there he is.
Sy! Are you okay? Hey.
It's Lola.
It's Chief, Sy.
It's Dr.
Owen Maestro.
Why am I wearing all these clothes? Oh.
- Where's Rhonda? Huh? - Oh, Sy, it's over.
You realized she was wrong for you, and you cut her out of your life.
Oh, right.
Who do I have to thank for that? Well, that would be me.
And who are you? I'm Nose Vaandervoot, and I'm a professional imvumnumventialist.
Now, you need to get yourself some rest, Sy.
You've been in here detoxing for 17 months.
- Proud of you, Sy.
- Aww.
Come here.
Come here.
We love you.
We love you.
We love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Mm.
I'm so happy you made it through the detox! You know, Owen, I have to say, these meat pies of yours are really cheering me up.
I think you finally found the perfect storm of ingredients.
No, this batch is amazing.
So, what is your secret ingredient? And whatever happened to Rhonda? So, just to be clear -- I killed Rhonda and put her in the pie.
You all got that? Oh.
Yeah.
I'm trained interventionist and Michael Jackson impersonator Nils Vildervaan.
Is someone you know suffering from abbiction? Abbiction?! If not, I'll be -- What the -- Get the goddamn [bleep.]
boom out of the shot, You piece of [bleep.]
! When we are done shooting this commercial, I will kick your [bleep.]
ass! Is someone you know suffering from addiction? What the [bleep.]
?