Family Ties (1982) s06e10 Episode Script

Okay, now don't roll the dough too thin.
The cookies will burn in the oven.
Why can't we get them at the store like everybody else does? It's more fun this way.
This is a special time between a mommy and her little boy.
You know, just the two of us here together, kind of working, sharing, creating.
Mom, they're just cookies.
Whoa! Okay, guy, we'll try it again tomorrow.
- Hey, hot cookies.
- Spud Webb.
Hey, Andy.
Andy, what are you wearing? An apron.
Take that off this minute.
Guys don't wear aprons.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's my apron.
This is a totally inappropriate activity for Andy.
I mean, uh, making cookies? It's one step away from having his nails done.
That's tomorrow.
All right, it's time for the guys to take over, teach him a little grit.
That's ridiculous.
We've-we've been raising him in a sensitive, nonsexist atmosphere for almost six years now.
Everything's worked out fine, right, Steven? Well, um, you know, uh sure, sure.
But there's, uh, there's nothing wrong with a little balance.
Little yin, a little, uh Yang.
yang.
Maybe it's, uh, maybe it's time to try something different, something guy-ish.
Want to go shave? Hey, how about basketball, huh? Basketball.
It'll teach you the thrill of competition, the exhilaration of exercise, the reward of team spirit.
You just want someone you can beat, Alex.
Hey, I beat you, blondie.
You wouldn't have beaten me, Alex, if you'd have let me use both hands.
Oh, I thought I heard Nick down here.
Hey.
- What's going on? - Thanks.
Um, Nick had a job interview.
He's supposed to come over here afterwards.
What kind of job is Nick trying to get now? It's a grant.
I saw the job listing on campus, and I knew Nick would be perfect for it.
What is it? Dean of Admissions.
I'll keep my fingers crossed, Mal.
Oh, thanks, Jen.
Hey, what happened? Did you get it? When do you start? Aw, Mal.
I didn't get the job.
You know, I don't think I'm going to be Dean of Admissions.
I am shocked.
- I, for one, am flabbergasted.
- Stunned.
That's an outrage.
Why not? You know, for one thing, the job starts at 9:00 in the morning, and I like to do my art then.
Either that or lie there and stare at the ceiling.
You don't want to give that up.
What about being Dean of Admissions for night school? Nah, Mal, you know, I think this whole dean area is a dead issue.
You can head up the English Department.
There was this other job that they thought I might be right for.
Oh, janitor.
Nick, I think you're on to something.
There you go.
There you go.
Nick, this is the janitor job at my sorority.
I'm the one who wrote the ad.
"Janitor needed.
Must have previous trash experience.
" How romantic.
Well, you have previous trash experience, don't you, Nick? Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, you know.
This is exciting.
You, my sorority, trash.
It's all coming together.
Okay, there's just two more applicants for the janitor job.
Uh, Larry Briganti and Nick Moore.
Mallory, maybe you should sit out those interviews.
I mean, with your boyfriend being one of the applicants and all.
Karen, I'm going to be completely and totally impartial here.
I want what's best for the sorority.
Well, Mr.
Briganti, can you tell us something about your qualifications? I was chairman of the Custodial Institute of America from 1945 through 1980, Ohio Janitor of the Year 1983, and inventor of the world famous Johnny Mop.
Well, that's all fine and good, but, uh, have you ever worked at a sorority before? Can't say that I have.
Well, do you think you could handle a place of this size? Well, I mean, if the White House wasn't a problem, I can't imagine this place would be.
Well, thank you.
We'll-we'll have to get back to you.
W-Well, let me know as soon as you can.
It's either this or the Taj Mahal.
Nick Moore, please.
Hey.
That's janitor for "hello.
" Sisters, this is Nick Moore.
Let's give him a nice Gamma Delta Gamma "hi.
" Hi.
So, Nick, um, can you tell us something about yourself? Well, you know, I-I got to tell youse all right off, I have no janitorial experience.
I like that.
He's honest.
That's the most important thing in a janitor.
Look, you know, uh, I know if it wasn't for Mal here, I wouldn't even be considered for this job, and, uh, I got to tell youse, I feel a little bit nervous being around all you smart girls.
Oh, Nick, no, don't be, please.
No one's ever been nervous around us.
No one's ever called us smart, either.
Uh, you know, I can't help it.
You see, uh, college is not a place that I'm all that familiar with.
Uh, actually, uh, high school is not a place I'm all that familiar with, either.
But, uh, reform school, ha! Now, there's something we could talk about.
Actually, Nick, a formal education is not a requirement for this job.
Hey, then I'm your guy.
But, you know, some-some interpersonal, uh, qualities you-you have that we might not know about could be helpful.
Um, for instance, um, just a Are you an artist? Why, yes, I am.
Oh! It might be great having an artist in residence.
He can help us with floats, banners, posters.
Maybe he could help us come up with decorations - for the winter dance.
- Yes.
Well, uh, what seems to be the problem? We've tried paper snowflakes, paper snowmen.
It's just, it's all been done before.
We've got a wastebasket full of bad ideas.
Well, wait a minute, here.
Now, uh, what you see as, uh, bad ideas, I see as snowballs.
What? Uh, you see, you could, uh, you could take a whole bunch of these and, uh, crumple them all up and cut them into snowballs and have a winter wonderland of snowballs for your sorority dance.
I like that.
I like that.
Go with it.
Uh, see, you can, uh, throw them at each other and have a fight, or, uh, you can glue them together and make a fort, or you could just pour water on them and turn them into slush.
Okay.
All those in favor of Nick? Aye.
Well, it's settled.
Welcome, Nick.
Let's all give him a nice Gamma Delta Gamma "You're hired.
" You're hired! Okay, now, the object of the game is simply to toss this ball into the basket.
Humor him.
All right, now try it.
All right.
Well, that's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
Now let me, uh, let me show you how it's done.
There you go.
Oops.
Hey, hey, Dad, let me have a shot.
I think Andy should have the pleasure of seeing the ball actually go through the hoop once.
- Give me the ball.
- Forget it.
- Dad, give me the ball.
- Alex, I'm teaching him.
- Give me the ball! - I'm teaching him! Andy, let's get out of here before it gets ugly.
Come on.
Come on.
Here we go.
Hey! Two points! Oh! What is going on? We're-we're teaching Andy how to, how to play basketball.
- Andy - Andy? I don't want any more basketball in the house, Steven.
Okay, okay.
You know, he really is a discipline problem, Mom.
Cheater.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, you going out? Oh, yeah.
Nick's coming over to pick me up.
We're going to go to his place and watch TV.
How's Nick doing down at the sorority? Oh, great.
Um, he gets along really well with all the girls, and they all think he's lots of fun.
So he's always hanging out there and learning songs and stuff.
I-I really admire what Nick's doing.
It must be awfully hard to be a janitor.
Especially at your sorority.
Well, he's really gotten into it.
You know, he's always there.
But today he's coming over, and it's just going to be the two of us together.
We're going to make popcorn and watch cartoons.
The old think tank in action, huh? - Have a wonderful time.
- Thanks.
Hey.
Hi.
Um, Nick, what's going on? Uh, Mal, little change of plans.
We're all going to go over the football game.
Oh, I-I thought we were going to spend the afternoon together.
I mean, just the two of us.
Yeah, I know, you know, but that was before the girls asked me to go to the game.
You never liked football before, Nick.
I never knew the cheers before.
But now Hear us rave.
Hear us rant.
Win team, win.
Let's go, Grant.
Hey! Hey! Hey.
This is really scary.
Come on, uh, you know, it's Sorority Day.
All us girls get in for half price.
Yeah.
Oh.
I have a lot of homework to do.
So you all go ahead and have fun.
Oh.
All right, babe.
Well, uh, we'll see you later, huh? And, uh, don't work too hard, huh? Bye-bye.
Hear us rave! Hear us rant! Win team, win! Let's go, Grant! Hey! - Okay.
- Where's Mallory? She's upstairs getting ready for her sorority dance.
I want to give her this truck for her to bring with her tonight.
That's a great idea, Andy.
That'll make Mallory the only girl at the dance with a truck.
Everybody will be really jealous.
Come on, let's give Mallory that truck.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm sure she doesn't have anything like it in her closet.
Yeah, that's great.
Oh, come on! - I'm telling.
- Oh, oh, oh! Come on.
Come on, this is the one that counts.
Hey, short stuff! Steven, we need a lightbulb up here! All right, you're both grounded.
I told you this would happen.
- You told me? I told you.
- Come on.
I've been telling him for days.
He started it.
Hi.
Hi, Jen.
That's a fabulous dress, Mallory.
It really goes with the truck.
Boy, you sure look great, honey.
Really.
I'm just not up for it tonight.
I mean, ever since they made Nick an honorary member of the sorority, I never get to see him alone anymore.
And when I do, it's always Gamma Delta Gamma this, Gamma Delta Gamma that.
It's making me crazy.
I never thought I-I'd have to call my boyfriend "Sister.
" Oh, I don't know, Mal, I think it's kind of cute.
I mean, picture him right now.
He's at home, choosing an outfit, primping, putting on Dippity-do.
I can't believe the way Nick has changed.
Now he's hopping around all the time, perky, singing.
It's like going out with Annette Funicello.
Honey, did you tell him how you feel? No, not yet.
I'll get it.
Hey.
Mal.
It's Sister.
- Say, uh, Mr.
Keaton? - Mm-hmm? Would you be interested in buying some raffle tickets? - No, I - You see, we're trying to bring some members of our sorority over from China.
Oh.
Well, th-that's great, Nick.
We're just leaving, too.
Ah-ah-ah, but-but-but let me share with you, uh, a little secret that I learned from the girls.
Hairspray helps remove ink spots.
Got it.
So, uh, Mal, you look great.
Nick, I think you've been taking the sorority stuff a little too seriously.
Oh, really? Well, uh, you know, Mal, I was hoping maybe some of it would rub off on you.
And if something does rub off on you, may I suggest rinsing it briskly with some Epsom salt.
Nick, I think you're missing my point.
I think you've become a little too involved with Gamma Delta Gamma.
Well, Mal, you know, I think you take Gamma Delta Gamma a little for granted.
You see, I don't think you show it enough respect.
As a matter of fact, you know, I have been reviewing the, uh, Gamma Delta Gamma rule book, and, uh, I have found out that you break almost every rule in it.
For instance, you should only entertain male visitors on the porch or in the parlor.
You should never cross your legs while wearing a skirt.
And at all sorority functions after 6:00 p.
m.
, you should always wear gloves.
Nick, those rules are from 1937.
Hey, so what? You know, you still got to follow them.
Listen, Mal, I would really hate to bring you up on charges.
Now, look, you're a Gamma Delta Gamma girl, huh? Act like one.
Hey, babe, great party, huh? Oh, yeah, it's great.
I hope you don't mind me doing a little cleaning up now and then.
Oh, no, go right ahead; it's your job.
Okay.
Oh, uh, you know, say, you really should put that drink on a coaster, not on the table.
You're going to ruin the finish there.
Thank you.
Nick, congratulations.
Everyone just loves all the decorations.
You really did a great job.
Oh, hey, thanks.
My favorite is definitely the mothball igloo.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
You know, it's, uh, attractive and snow-like, yet it keeps pests away from our fine woolens.
You're incredible.
Aw, thanks.
Okay, everyone! It's time to sing the Gamma Delta Gamma sisterhood song! Where did you get that verse? Ah-ah-ah, read your rule book.
Nick, you really didn't have to sing that song.
Oh, yeah, I did, Mal.
If you read the rule book No, I don't want to read my rule book.
And now, the moment that we've all been waiting for, the crowning of the 1987 Gamma Delta Gamma Winter Dance Snow Queen.
I am so excited.
You know, I've been pushing for you for Snow Queen all week.
That's sweet, Nick.
All right.
The new Snow Queen is Nick Moore! Whoa! I can't believe that my boyfriend's a Snow Queen.
Uh, ladies, gentlemen, sisters this is a most momentous occasion.
Nick, God, stop it! What do you think you're doing? Uh, Mal, I'm just saying my acceptance speech here.
I Nick, Nick, take a look at yourself.
You're not a sorority sister.
I mean, what are you doing in a crown, a cape and a dozen roses? I won.
Nick, you have a job here, that's it.
Why can't you just show up, punch in your time card and go home? Okay, uh I'll leave.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
She moves! She fakes! She pumps to the left! She pumps to the right! She's all over the court! She sets her shot! - Hey.
- Hey, Mom.
How many times do I have to throw this thing away?! You're grounded.
Hi.
- Oh, hey, Mal.
- Oh.
How was, uh, how was the dance? Aw, I had a terrible time.
Nick spent half the evening cleaning up, and then he sang the Gamma Delta Gamma song solo, and then he was crowned Snow Queen.
Sounds like a full evening.
I yelled at him in front of everyone.
I mean, there he was, the Snow Queen, surrounded by his ladies-in-waiting and I just flipped out.
Well, don't worry about it, Mal.
Uh now that Nick is Queen I'm sure he'll calm down.
Oh, honey, didn't you talk to him? I mean, didn't you tell him you thought he was getting carried away? I tried; he wouldn't listen to me.
He-he kept giving me etiquette lessons and household tips.
Well, you know, I tried that hairspray trick.
Really works.
- Oh, Nick! - Hey, Nick! Well, we've-we've heard the news.
- Congratulations! - Yeah.
Nick, Nick, just tell me.
Tell me, what-what do you think put you over the top? Was it talent? Swimsuit? Uh, just lucky, I guess.
Well, it's an honor to have the Snow Queen in our house.
Absolutely.
Good evening, good evening, Your Majesty.
Hey.
Evening.
Hey.
Hi.
So, uh, how'd the rest of the dance go? All right, I guess.
Um, we had to elect a new Snow Queen.
But, uh, you're still the runner-up.
It's an important job.
Case the new Snow Queen can't fulfill all her responsibilities, you'd have to step in.
Look, um, Mal, I've been thinking about what you said and, uh, how I've been acting lately, and I kind of realized that I went over the edge with this sorority stuff and Oh, no, no, I'm-I'm the one who I totally overreacted.
I mean, you have a right to have fun.
Not every guy gets to be Snow Queen.
Hey, you know, I just had no idea that it would bother you so much.
You know, it's just, I got so caught up with being part of a group, a member of a club.
I never had that.
I It just felt good to belong.
Well, I didn't know you needed that.
I always thought you were a loner.
You know, I never really did good in group situations.
I never really fit in.
You see, the sorority was the first group that really accepted me as me.
I finally fit in.
I guess I felt like you fit in too well.
I mean, you were always at the sorority, and you were always with the girls.
I never got to see you alone.
And, um, I guess I felt a little threatened.
Why? Because I didn't feel special anymore.
Because all of a sudden, you're-you're spending time with all these girls and you're having all this fun with them the kind of fun I thought you could only have with me.
And I I felt like you didn't need me anymore.
Hey, I'll always need you.
You are my girlfriend, they are just my sisters.
Well, you're my sister, too Look, Mal, you are very, very special to me.
I am? Yeah.
Because you're the only girl that I'll ever love.
I love you, Nick.
I propose a toast.
To the best janitor and Snow Queen in the history of Gamma Delta Gamma.
Uh, you got a coaster for that? Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.