M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e10 Episode Script

[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
More Olympic results from Helsinki.
In the men's water polo competition, the U.
S.
Splashed to a fourth-place finish.
I wonder what they give you for fourth place.
They name you Miss Congeniality.
Hey, mind if I sit down? I don't know.
Who's behind that food? - Join us, Ames.
Just put the tray down easy.
- Come on, you guys.
Lay off.
I got enough troubles without hearin' from you two.
Care to spill 'em between bites? The army's kicking me out.
They say I'm too fat to be a good soldier.
- Maybe they're just trying to save on food.
- I've been in for 15 years.
Now I'm gonna lose my job, my pension, everything.
Damn army.
You want your bacon? I got a great idea: Don't eat.
Look, I'm too far gone.
I only got 10 days until my orders come in.
What's the difference if I'm 20 pounds overweight or 30? Beej, I don't believe Ames here is familiar with the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt quick-loss plan.
- Huh? - It's famous.
Simple diet and exercise.
Twenty pounds in 10 days.
If not completely satisfied, your blubber cheerfully refunded.
What do you say? - You know, I'd appreciate that a whole lot.
- Okay.
Here's step number one.
- That hurts.
- You look thinner already.
Hey, you're in luck.
No one's touched the chipped beef.
Here.
Eat it before it curls my nose hairs.
- Ah, ah, ah.
- Ah, ah.
- Take it away, Klinger.
- Sarge! How can you resist that rich, gray slop? It's either lose weight or be thrown out of the army.
Wait a minute.
- They can discharge you for being fat? - [B.
J.
.]
Yeah.
Let me at it! Let me at it! [Chuckling.]
You're a lucky dog, Penobscott.
Manila's a swell spot for "R" and "R.
" When you get there, first place you wanna go What? Okay.
I'll tell her.
Heh heh! Adios.
Colonel, I understand there is a phone call from my husband.
- Make that a "was," Major.
Penobscott couldn't wait all day.
- Oh, rats! - Did he leave a message? - He says he wants to spend as much "R" and "R" with you as he can.
- That's why he'll be here Friday to pick you up.
- Donald's coming here? - Oh, don't worry.
We'll dust.
- Oh, that big, thoughtful hunk of bear! Well put.
Now, listen, Major.
When you get to Manila, first place you wanna go Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Thank you so much.
First place you wanna go is the Blue Machete Cafe.
You'll love it, Major.
Around post-op to the nurses' quarters, past the Mess Tent.
That's past the Mess Tent, not through the Mess Tent.
- Ready? - Ready.
- Ready.
Go! Keep your knees up.
How can a guy eat that much? - He should be transferred to the nearest famine.
- We're wasting our time here.
We could be in Helsinki training track stars and chasing Viking women.
Hmm.
Speaking of which, Father Mulcahy gave me great odds on Zatopek in the marathon.
- You bet on Zatopek? - Of course.
He's already won two long races.
That's what I mean.
He's all tired out.
Now he's gotta run a marathon Ha! Hawkeye, what you know about sports would fit on the tip of a javelin.
- Oh, yeah? What makes you such an expert? - My two varsity letters.
[Laughs.]
Two letters and a scholarship.
You? An athletic scholarship? That's right.
The coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
[Pants.]
Can't go no more.
- You're doin' great, champ.
Lookin' good.
- Thank you, sir.
You know, we're making tremendous progress here.
Colonel, I'd like to speak to you.
Whew! Klinger, what is that? A pungent yet satisfying delicacy of my native land.
You wanna hunk? Eh! Right shoulder arms with that.
All right, whistle beak.
Lay it out for me, extra quick.
Sixty more pounds, and I'm homeward bound.
- You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
- I call it "food for freedom.
" - I call it "suicide by salami.
" - I'll take my chances.
- Okay.
When you can't get through that door, come see me.
- I'll be wearing a size 30.
Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound.
You better come on the double.
- Anybody hurt? - The driver was a bit shaken up, but he'll be all right.
- No one else inside? - No.
- Thank God.
- I already did.
All right, buffalo breath.
Let's move.
Keep that thing downwind.
[B.
J.
.]
Oh, boy.
When are these drivers gonna learn this isn't the Indy 500? Well, it looks like we got enough bodies here.
Let's get this horse on his feet.
Sir! Can I go slip into something more comfortable? Move one step, and you'll need that salami for a cane.
- Go ahead, Margaret.
You push.
I'll grunt.
- Wimp! - On the count of three, we heave.
- I may heave on two.
- Pierce, there's a space here.
- What's wrong with you, sad sack? Oh, well, Colonel, it's, uh, my hands.
Um, I can't afford to, uh, catch them on anything.
Get in there before we use you as a crowbar.
[Mulcahy.]
I'll get over here by the cross.
[Potter.]
Okay, let's go.
Uno, dos, tres, heave! [All Groaning.]
All right.
This time let's mean it.
Ready? - Heave! - [Groaning.]
Klinger, your heart isn't in this.
- No, but his breath sure is.
- Wait till I catch my second wind, sir.
- Oh, please.
- My hamstrings are playing "I Surrender, Dear.
" We've got enough people here.
We should be able to toss this wagon around like a volleyball.
- Colonel, it's too heavy.
- Cow cookies! This group is limp as a noodle.
Your wonton is wilted.
Need some help, Colonel? Sure do.
We just ran out of muscle.
Join the party.
Just over at Rosie's bar we heard you had some trouble.
- Uh, you folks can stand aside.
We'll handle this.
- Just the four of you? Well, actually, it's, um, more than we need.
Sure you don't wanna warm up? Maybe flip over a jeep? [Grunting.]
[Crowd Chattering.]
- Too heavy, huh? - Aw, it's all done with mirrors.
[Potter.]
Thanks, boys.
[M.
P.
.]
Next time call us.
Don't hurt yourselves.
Why don't we go to the Mess Tent? They're serving humble pie.
- [Margaret Laughs.]
- [Potter.]
Hold it.
We're not finished yet.
You people are in sorry shape.
This is a mobile hospital.
If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole.
- I'm a surgeon.
I'm not a circus roustabout.
- You're a clown.
- You're a buffoon.
- Bozo.
Bottle it.
Starting tomorrow at 0700, all personnel will fall out for daily calisthenics.
- Oh, Colonel! - Oh, no! Pierce and Hunnicutt, you're doing it for Ames.
You can do it for everybody.
You've just picked up a whole new bunch of volunteers.
Dismissed.
Stupid M.
P.
s.
Five or six more tries, we would've had it.
- Hut, two, three, four.
- One.
- Hut, two, three, four.
- Two.
- Hut, two Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- That's two.
- You in the woodwind section.
- Brass.
- You in the woodwind section.
- Brass.
Why aren't you playing toe touchies? Gentlemen, we're all just fooling ourselves here.
Isn't that what the army's all about? Morning exercise is futile at best.
When one arises, the body is more subject to postural hypotension.
- You tell 'em, Doc! - [Muttering.]
Blood flows away from the brain and blacking out becomes a distinct possibility.
Well, what it all boils down to, gentlemen is that you're not getting one toe touchie out of me.
- [Klinger.]
I second that! - Charles, could we have a word with you, please? Briefly.
See, we'd like to get this over with, so we'd kind of like your cooperation.
- [Smug Chuckling.]
- And if we don't get it we're gonna wash our dirty socks in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
- You wouldn't! - And rinse them in your Earl Gray Tea.
You would.
On the other hand circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis - and I'm certainly all for that.
- [All Groaning.]
- So, hands on hips, please.
- [B.
J.
.]
Mm-hmm.
Let's try some jumping jacks.
- Ah! - For those of you who are eating breakfast leave out the jumping part.
Ready? Begin.
- One, two[Continues.]
- If I strain anything before Donald gets here - I'll kill Colonel Potter.
- One, two, one, two.
- Was it something I said? - [Potter On P.
A.
.]
Ten hut, all you mopes.
This is your C.
O.
, the guy who set up this little wingding.
Remember me? Couldn't help but notice that some of you are less than delighted with the program.
Well, we're gonna straighten that out.
Those of you who still have the energy will report to the Mess Tent right now.
Those of you who don't have the energy will report three minutes earlier.
Same to you.
- Sir, do anything but don't yell.
- [Yells.]
Quiet! When I give an order, I expect it to be carried out.
This camp will exercise, and it will get in shape.
You can bet your chubby cabooses on that.
However, I do realize standing in line flapping your wings can get a little boring.
- From the first flap.
- So, in my usual, quiet, effective way I've come up with a little plan to alleviate that problem.
We've all been following the Olympics pretty closely.
- We'd all like to be there.
- Or anywhere else for that matter.
But since we can't, we're going to hold our own little Olympics right here.
- Give 'em Helsinki, Colonel.
- We'll divide up into two teams come up with our own events, and compete against each other.
Brilliant, huh? Hmm? Brilliant, Colonel, but not too well received.
I just know I'm not gonna have anything left for Donald.
Oh, did I forget to mention the little incentive? - Each member of the winning team gets three days "R" and "R.
" - [All Exclaiming.]
- [Applause.]
- Colonel, I for one will give 150%! - Always helps to sweeten the pot.
- Pierce, Hunnicutt you mind going up against each other as team captains? - What do you say, powder puff? - Well, it'll prove who's the fairest in the land.
- Where do we pick up our whistles, Colonel? - Good.
The three of us'll meet later in my office, go over the ground rules.
The games start tomorrow at 0800, and may the best team win.
Actually, it's "better" team, Colonel.
Dismissed! Next to a good mass, there's nothing more stirring than the Olympics.
Ah, yes, the Olympics.
Where every four years people from all nations gather together and sweat.
- You know you're in for a beating.
- You wanna bet? - Money? - What's money? I want respect.
- What do you got in mind? - I don't know.
Nothing fancy.
I'd like to sit on a throne and have you cower at my feet.
We're a little short of thrones.
How about a wheelchair? - Okay.
The loser has to push the winner around in a wheelchair.
- For a week.
- Shake.
- If you can stand my grip.
- Eh heh! Let the games begin.
- [Chuckles.]
Aah! Don't do that! ##[Band.]
[Man Announcing.]
The mast colors of 67 countries and their legions of athletes stand as symbolic pigeons are released awaiting the arrival of the sun-kindled Olympic flame.
The legendary Paavo Nurmi is anchorman in the historic relay from Greece to Finland receiving an ovation as he lights the stadium torch.
##[Ends.]
[All Groaning.]
[Cheering.]
[Indistinct Shouts.]
Water to put it out! Somebody get some water! [Announcer.]
Now the start of the marathon, which is to see a great runner in action Emil Zatopek of Czechoslovakia.
Number 903 is Zatopek.
These distance demons are challenging the marathon course which stretches over 26 miles, 385 yards.
The struggle is too much for some, as exhaustion takes its toll.
But the remarkable Zatopek runs the classic marathon in two hours, 23 minutes, three and 2/10ths seconds, for a new Olympic record.
[Blows Whistle.]
Take your positions for the crutch race.
Fifty of the most grueling yards you'll ever see.
It takes stamina, balance, a good sense of direction and strong armpits.
No starts till you hear the sound of the gun.
I want a good, clean race.
I know how sneaky you people are, so I'll be watching carefully.
- Remember, no jabbing, tripping or blocking.
- There goes our game plan.
If God had intended man to be in a crutch race, He would have given him two broken legs.
Just stay out of my way, lard hips.
On your crutches.
Get set.
- [Hollering.]
- ## [Band.]
- [Mulcahy.]
Go yellow! - Oof! [Panicked Yelping.]
- You did that deliberately! - If you can't jump over a crutch, you're no athlete! - Now I'm mad! - Ooh! [Clucking, Giggling.]
You [Cheering.]
- I won! I won, I won, I won! - ## [Ends.]
[Announcer.]
In the pole vault, Don Laz of the United States charges toward the bar, up and over, to capture second.
Here's the Reverend Bob Richards, mainstay of the United States pole vaulting entry in a study of his winning jump.
Without the pole, he still jumps this time for joy.
All right, all right.
I know I know we've lost the last two events.
But that's only a temporary setback.
I have every reason to believe we're gonna go out there and win this thing! - All right.
I'm with you, Captain.
- [Affirmative Murmurs.]
- Margaret, you wanted to say a few words? - Yes, thank you, Captain.
[Yelling.]
You people stink! You're slow! You're lazy! You have no spirit! Do B.
J.
And I have to carry this whole crummy team? Now I want you to get out there and fight! Fight, fight, fight! Let's take it to them! Let's cut out their hearts! Let's win! Thank you, Captain.
[Announcer.]
65,000 Olympic Games observers at Helsinki are treated to new athletic thrills as they watch the running of the exciting 3,000-meter steeplechase.
This grueling event, equivalent of one and 8/10ths miles puts a premium on alertness as well as versatility and skill.
America's Horace Ashenfelter and Russia's Vladimir Kazantsev are neck and neck in a pulsating duel and Ashenfelter overcomes the final hurdle to pull away.
F.
B.
I.
Man Horace Ashenfelter hits the tape first in the fastest 3,000-meter steeplechase ever run.
8.
45 and 4/10ths seconds.
[Potter.]
The object is to stay up in the saddle.
- [Klinger.]
Uh-huh.
- It's not far, only 50 yards but it's tough when you're bouncing around.
Now, you ladies'll ride like this.
- Select your partners.
Post time in five minutes.
- [Man.]
Okay.
Take it down easy, Dobbin.
Hey, you're lookin' thinner.
Lieutenant Colonel! Darling! Colonel! [Laughing.]
Hi, honey.
Pull her into the garage.
Dinner's on the table.
Have a nice day at the war? [Giddy Squealing.]
Look who's here! - Colonel Potter.
- Colonel, how are you? - How you doin'? Good to see you all again.
- Slice of heaven for us too.
- So this is Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott.
- Oh, yes! Oh, you two haven't met yet.
Donald Penobscott, meet Daddy Warbucks.
- This is our new surgeon, Major Charles Emerson Winchester.
- Pleasure to meet you, Charlie.
I've heard a lot about you, Donny.
Penobscott, you're just in time to catch the last two events of our gala 4077 th Olympics.
So far, your little missus there has been quite a standout.
- [Laughing.]
- What's this? What's this? We can't leave yet.
If our team wins, we get three extra days of "R" and "R.
" - Three extra days? - Yes! - We could even get out of the hotel.
- [Embarrassed Chuckling.]
We can discuss the itinerary later.
- Okay.
Let's get this show on the road.
- You're my strength, Donald.
- Give 'em hell, army.
- [Growls.]
Nurses, take your stations.
- Come on, Klinger.
You gotta carry me.
- I can't make it, Major.
If they told me I was going home today, I couldn't lift my bag.
- All right.
Get up.
I'll carry you.
- Oh, no! - I can do it.
Come on.
I'll help you.
- [Moaning.]
- It's the salami, isn't it, son? - All 10 of them, sir.
- Dismissed.
- Oh, thank you, sir, from the bottom of my belly.
- What am I supposed to do? - I guess you'll just have to sit this one out.
- Captain Pink! - Uh, oh, Colonel? [Smacks Lips.]
There's a little boy over there who looks like he wants to play.
Of course! Donald! Colonel Penobscott, I need your broad shoulders.
Stop! Hold it, time out and just a doggone second! - You're gonna be my partner in the nurse carry.
- I am? - Yes! - Colonel, this is the 4077 th Olympics.
- Gorgeous George is just an out-of-town relative.
- Objection sustained.
- The purpose of this is to build up our own people.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- There'll be a little something for you in your chambers later.
- [Margaret.]
That's not fair! [Donald.]
No, dear, the colonel's right.
These are your games.
Anyway, with my athletic ability, Pierce's side wouldn't stand a chance.
Wait a second.
Now wait a minute.
- What do you mean, "wouldn't stand a chance"? - I didn't mean it like that.
- I'm sure it would be, uh, competitive.
- You bet your brass.
Course, a guy who was All-American in track and wrestling at West Point doesn't often lose to a bunch of army doctors.
Just a second, jocko! Would you like to put your muscle where your mouth is? As a matter of fact, I'd really like that.
- Pick up your wife, cadet.
- Ha ha! Well, I guess you're in it, Colonel.
Everyone up and at 'em.
- Here we go! - [Margaret Howls.]
[Potter.]
Ready? Get set.
[Shouting, Whooping.]
Back up! Back up! [Announcer.]
Mae Faggs, Barbara Jones, Janet Moreau, and Catherine Hardy race Uncle Sam to victory in 45 and 9/10ths seconds a new world and Olympic record.
Great goin: Gals.
We're proud of you all.
All right.
Here's how we're gonna break this tie.
We will chose one name from each team at random and those two will run the dreaded obstacle course.
And the lucky participants are For the Pink Elephants, Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott.
[Cheering.]
And for the Yellow Blackbirds, Sergeant Ames.
- [Laughter.]
- Bye-bye, Blackbird.
Boy, you are gonna lose so big! [Potter On P.
A.
.]
The dreaded obstacle course.
First man to make it through alive wins.
Take it easy on those tires.
We need 'em for thejeeps.
Don't worry about him.
Those muscles are rented.
[Blows Whistle.]
For all the marbles.
On your mark, get set - [Pistol Fires.]
- [Cheering.]
[All Shouting.]
[B.
J.
.]
Go on! Go on! Run, run! - Hey, Colonel! - Save your breath! Margaret, we still have seven whole days.
If you hadn't been showing off, we could've had 10 whole days! You can't go on like this just because I lost a doggone race.
A race! A race! That wasn't just a race! That was the Olympics! All right! Fine! Stay here with the winner.
I'm goin' to Manila.
[Engine Cranking.]
What are you doin'? What are you doin'? Just move over! If we're gonna go, we might as well get there.
Come on, Margaret.
It's only a race.
[Announcer.]
At the 1952 Olympics end, the U.
S.
A.
Rules the sports realm.
The Olympic flame will burn again four years hence when, with God's help, the nations of the world will compete again on the peaceful field of sports.
- [Potter.]
Great to be in shape, huh, Father? - Oh, never felt better.
[Mulcahy Groaning.]
Wheel me up to the chopper pad, Hives.
I want to look down upon my kingdom.
I'm so happy you're not taking advantage.
- You're lucky I don't want to go to Seoul.
- Hawkeye! B.
J.
! We did it! - They just weighed me, and I made it by three whole ounces.
- That's a load off my mind.
- You're back in the army.
My condolences.
- I owe it all to you two.
- Don't blame us.
You did all the work.
- You deserve this more than I do.
- Have a seat.
- No, no.
Sit down.
- Come on.
I'm gonna push ya.
Come on.
- All right.
- Where to, Sergeant? - Where else? The Mess Tent.
We gotta celebrate.