Mom s06e10 Episode Script

The people who eat here are animals.
And not like those cute otters holding hands.
I hate 'em all.
I went over to check on a table and this man wiped gloppy short rib sauce on my shirt.
Do I look like a napkin? Well, you do now.
And by the way, that "gloppy sauce" is a port wine reduction, and intentionally viscous.
Ugh.
I came out here for fresh air, but that dream is dead.
Let me toss it on the pile with all your others.
I doubt you can throw that high.
It sounds like you need a delicious and calming cigarette.
I don't smoke.
In the words of the great '80s poet Adam Ant, "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?" Hey, dude, I used to smoke, I used to drink, I used to strip, I used to not come home for days at a time.
Mm, so what you're saying is you used to be fun.
Fine.
Give me one.
Oh, right.
Thanks, I owe you one.
Great.
You want to come over to my place after we close, "get chummy"? It's tobacco, not ecstasy.
Would you like some ecstasy? Why do we bother putting the damn chairs away? We're just gonna have another meeting tomorrow.
There's ladies' Zumba in the morning.
What is that, like a Kegel thing? Tightening the old hoo-ha? It's a dance-based exercise class, but your la-la does get a workout.
Guys, we're all over 12.
We can say "vagina.
" I did Zumba drunk once.
Got kicked out.
Maybe 'cause I kept yelling "Zumba!" And I peed in my leotard.
(phone chimes) - Oh, my God.
- What? I just got a text from this guy I met at The Home Depot yesterday.
Wait, like, "met a guy" met a guy? You didn't tell me that.
Spill.
Well, he works there.
I needed to get a light switch, but I wasn't sure if I needed a 20-amp or if a 15-amp would cover it.
- So then I - Get to the man part.
So Rick that's what his lifting belt said Swooped in and said even if I only needed a 15, a 20 should be fine.
And then he pushed you up against the wall and kissed you.
Sorry, I just got to make the story better.
He asked for my number, I didn't think he'd use it.
Now he wants to know "What's up?" How do I even respond to that? How about "Nothing much, what's up with you?" Are you nuts? You want to sound busy, in demand.
Tell him you're at a gala.
No, wait.
You met him at Home Depot.
Tell him you're at a county fair.
Personally, I don't think you should start a relationship off on a lie.
Go with "not much.
" Oh, man, which tiny blonde should I believe? Well, Christy's my daughter and I love her, but if you want any hope of a romantic life, listen to Jill.
"At a fair.
" Hey, I date.
You do.
Not recently, but you do.
(phone chimes) Whoa, he texted back already.
And he asked me out on a date! "Anytime " No, no, no.
You're eating funnel cake at a fair, remember? Yeah, you're not just staring at your phone like some kind of Christy.
I don't do that.
I blame myself.
It's why I'm trying to do better with Tammy.
- Marjorie, everyone's picking on me.
- I know, and the fact that they're right doesn't justify it.
You know what? My homework is more fun than this.
And yeah, that's a dig, guys.
It's a dig.
- So when do I text him back? - I'll let you know.
Sharon.
Oh, hey, Christy.
Can I bum one of those? Sure.
I didn't know you were a smoker.
Only on Wednesdays.
It's Thursday.
Just light the cigarette, Sharon.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna go smoke this behind that bush.
I'll see you over there.
MARJORIE: Yeah.
Now.
Morons.
Hi, can I have ten dollars on pump three? You got it.
Actually, can I have five dollars on pump three and a pack of the Lights? Those are nine dollars.
Really? Wow.
(laughs softly) Okay, give me one dollar on pump three and a pack of the lights.
I don't like that Tammy's date is picking her up here.
Now if he's a murderer, he knows where she lives.
That's the third time you've mentioned that she might get killed on this date.
Where is all this murder anxiety coming from? From being a woman, Marjorie.
JILL: Okay! Get ready.
Tammy, come on out, and show them what you got.
(gasping) Ooh! Wow! I know, right? I'm a piece.
I'm so nervous, first date out of prison, first date sober.
It's just like going on a date drunk, only much, much scarier.
'Cause you're a woman.
You'll be great.
What if he orders a cocktail and asks me if I want one? What do I say then? You don't have to tell your whole story.
Just say you don't feel like drinking tonight.
Or tell him you can't drink 'cause you're taking antibiotics.
How is that gonna work if they keep dating? Yeah, then he'll think she has some horrible STD that Western medicine just can't knock out.
But he won't know she's sober.
Maybe you should stop focusing on whether he's gonna like you and see if you even like him.
You're Tammy frickin' Diffendorf.
You are beautiful and fierce and he's lucky you're even going out with him.
(laughs): Wow! You guys just turned my whole world around.
I am going out on this date with a blown mind.
He's pulling up.
lt's happening! Okay, when he knocks Out of my way! Are we still worried about him, Wendy? Well, well, well.
Look who's here to bum another cigarette.
I have my own.
Ooh, your own pack.
That was fast.
I still only smoke once in a while, I just don't want to be seen as needy.
Mm.
I think with that voice and those eyes, that's always gonna be a problem.
I can take care of myself.
(groans) Oh, Christy, face it.
You're a real smoker, and a real smoker should have her own lighter.
This was my father's.
And now it's yours.
- Seriously? - No, I got it from a busboy.
Although it was his father's.
TV HOST: What started out as dinner and a movie ended as dinner and a murder.
I'm getting scared.
Marjorie, change the channel.
Marjorie! Uh-oh.
Yup, there it is.
What do you know, I am gonna be sad when she goes.
Tammy's back.
Best date ever.
Really? Oh! Marjorie, wake up, she's home.
I'm awake.
Tell us everything.
Well, I'm so lucky you guys dressed me up, because he took me to Olive Garden.
Okay, I've been watching those commercials for seven years from prison and if anything, they undersell it.
- What's he like? - Oh, he's funny, he's smart - And get this, he doesn't drink.
- Is he an alcoholic? No, he has irritable bowel syndrome.
He sounds perfect.
Doesn't he, Marjorie? Oh, Lord, let's at least shut her mouth.
Tape? Anybody got any tape? Was there a good-night kiss? A lady doesn't kiss and tell, but I'm no lady, so let me tell you about the kissing.
It was awesome! You know the kind of kiss that leaves you light-headed? No.
Look at you you went on a date, you stayed sober, your clothes aren't inside out.
You didn't bring any of their breadsticks home for your friend Bonnie, but otherwise, a success.
That's what you think.
- (gasps) What a night! - I know! So when can I text him to tell him I had fun? - Never.
Wait for him to text you.
- But I want to.
Go ahead.
A little "I had a good time" won't hurt.
(gasps) They're still warm.
Thanks, Bonnie.
"Had a nice time.
Can't wait to see you again.
" I guess that's okay.
"I think you're the one.
" No! No! No! Oh.
How'd it go? (phone rings) Hi, Jill.
I'm almost there, driving as fast as I can.
Bye.
(spraying) That was easy.
I'm starving.
Can we please order? Aren't we gonna wait for Christy? No, 'cause I get rude when I'm hangry.
We're ready, we're ready! Oh, I am so gonna get her fired.
(scoffs) Why isn't Rick texting me back? I'm gonna text him again.
Tammy, I wouldn't.
You texted him four times in the car on the way over here.
How do I put this gently? That's something Christy would do.
I just really like him, and I haven't liked anyone in a long time.
Which is great, but just take it slow.
Food! I think I have some almonds in my purse.
No.
Maybe my phone is broken.
Will you just text me? No, you're obsessed with this guy.
"This guy"? His name is Rick something and he means a lot to me.
Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Traffic.
What is happening to Napa? Have you been smoking? Why would you ask me that? Because you smell like mouth wash, air freshener, Purell and dryer sheets.
It's like sitting next to a freshly cleaned motel room.
I'm not smoking.
Did we order yet? No, 'cause this is hell.
- Why do you have a lighter? - Why are you going through my purse? - I'm your mother.
- What does that have to do with it? You came out of my pocketbook, I get to rifle through yours.
(scoffs) Okay, yes, I'm smoking, but I'm not drinking, I'm not gambling, I'm not sleeping with married men.
Let me have this.
(phone chimes) (gasps) It's him! Shoot, Amber Alert.
White pickup, Utah plates.
Keep your eyes open.
Tammy, stop with the phone.
You're driving yourself crazy.
You're driving us all crazy.
You're acting pathetic.
(phone chimes) Not him, but, yes, Wendy, Bonnie was a little harsh.
Not out loud.
You trying to get me killed? (mouths) Hi, I'd like to make an order for delivery.
Yeah, my address is the booth with the woman waving.
(upbeat music playing) (knocking on door) (music stops) Yeah? Hey, Bonnie, what's happening? What is happening? You gals talking about Zumba inspired me to get out my old Jazzercise tapes.
There's a lot to mock here, but I need your advice.
This thing with Tammy is driving me Okay, we need to lose this.
I just don't know what to do.
She's gonna get her heart broken and I'm worried about her.
- (chuckles) - What? I'm taking a moment to enjoy that you're worrying about somebody other than yourself.
You've really changed.
Oh.
Thank you.
You can have this back.
It's actually kind of wet.
Okay, here's the deal, I know what's best for Tammy.
How do I get her to listen to me? You don't know what's best for her, Bonnie.
She has to have her own experiences.
The only thing you can do is share yours, if she asks.
- But she's not asking.
- Well, then shut up.
You shut up.
Sorry, you were saying? You know, when you started dating Adam, I thought you were making a big mistake.
What's wrong with Adam? Well, I just didn't like him, and I didn't think you were ready, but you proved me wrong because you are handling this relationship so beautifully.
Thank you.
What exactly didn't you like about him? Well, he had a certain swagger I didn't appreciate, and apparently, before you, he was a bit of a tomcat.
"Swagger"? That's a great way to put it.
So arrogant.
My point is, I was wrong.
I'm not sure you were.
We're running into ex-girlfriends all the time.
- Bonnie, listen - Williams-Sonoma, I am buying nice plates for the first time in my life, and who's wrapping them up? Jaqueline with her big, fake fingernails.
Why didn't you tell me this back then? You didn't ask for my opinion, like Tammy hasn't asked for yours.
Fine, fine, got it.
Okay.
Now if you don't mind, I would like to go back to Jazzercise.
Would you like to join me? I would not, but I definitely want to watch.
(upbeat music plays) Hi.
- Hi.
- You okay? Uh, yeah, I just pulled a muscle Jazzercising.
By the way, your ass appears to be on fire.
Fine, caught me.
Cue the lecture.
No lecture.
Oh, come on, you don't think this is self-destructive behavior? Oh, honey, I get it.
I went through the whole "finding ways to be naughty in sobriety" thing.
In fact, when I had about five years, I developed a massive crush on Marvin, the guy that I had the coffee commitment with.
Ooh.
No, not "ooh.
" He was married and so was I.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
All we did was flirt, but it did give me a thrill, and at the time, I really needed that.
So what happened? Oh, I kept working the program, and so did he, and we got better and the flirting stopped.
Also, one night he wore a denim vest.
Well, my Marvin and I are still flirting.
(chuckles) Okay.
I'll see you inside.
(grunting) What was I trying to prove? - (phone ringing) - Hi, Bonnie.
Hi, Tammy.
I'm calling 'cause I owe you an apology.
I was too hard on you.
You're not pathetic and I was wrong to say you were obsessing about Rick.
Thanks, Big Sauce, that means a lot.
You're forgiven.
Good.
So what are you up to? I'm sitting across the street from Rick's house.
Are you? And I may have binoculars.
- Uh-huh.
- Am I as crazy as I feel? - Are you asking my opinion? - I am.
Where are you exactly? You took an Uber to stalk a guy? You know I don't drive.
- Bonnie, Yuri.
Yuri, Bonnie.
- Good evening.
Uh, would you like to have mint, water, phone charger? I'm fine.
Why are you doing this? Eh, as long as I'm here.
I still hadn't heard from Rick, so I went to Home Depot to say hi, and he walks away and says he has to do something in aisle three, so I follow him to aisle three and he's not doing anything.
So I say to him, "You're not doing anything," and he says, "I can't talk right now.
I'll call you later when I get home.
" Six hours go by, no call, so I came to see if he's home.
He's home! He can clearly be seen eating pizza in his boxers.
So what do I do? In my experience, if a guy would rather eat alone in his underwear, he's not interested.
- I know.
- You do? I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Tissues are in pocket in front of you.
(crying): I'm gonna be single the rest of my life.
No, you're not.
I have done way worse than this.
Sitting outside his house? Try moving into his attic without him knowing for three weeks.
You didn't really do that.
Sure did.
There was a website warning people about me.
But now I'm getting married, and I'm not as crazy as I used to be, and I found a guy who loves the crazy that's still there.
You're gonna learn from this, and next time, you'll do it differently.
(scoffs) If there ever is a next time.
It may not happen right away, but it will happen.
I think you've waited long enough.
May I take you for dinner sometime? I'd love that.
Let's go now! Bonnie, out! - Hey, can we go to Olive Garden? - No problem.
You don't do anything halfway, do you? Are you gonna smoke with me or just judge? - No, thanks, I quit.
- How? I just stopped.
It's called having character.
Have fun out here.
I will! (thunderclap) Oh Oh, come on!