Offspring (2010) s06e10 Episode Script

1 I didn't ask for Jodie to turn up.
I didn't ask for Patrick to donate sperm.
I'm not a walking crisis.
You may not be a crisis, but you're in a crisis pattern.
Do you have a partner? Aha, no, not at the moment.
I think you'll to be happy here Dad.
But the celebration of his life is to be in the Edinburgh Gardens - and he wanted to be buried there.
- [chuckles.]
No, no, no.
Whoever dies first, the other one has to sing "Wild Thing".
Hello! - Flowers.
- This is Renato.
Oh, you two, stop flirting.
I beg your pardon! A life that's mine.
Please come home.
[crying.]
Neens, she's gone.
What am I going to do, Neens? All alone in this big empty house.
I slept with someone else.
Angus.
I'm sorry to tell you that none of the embryos have made it through.
We'd like you to come in and talk to us about trying again.
There are still two straws left I thought you were happy, but I don't think you can be happy.
Not in the real world.
I've been here before.
I've been in relationships before where I'm constantly fixing things.
And I become the caretaker.
But it's not what I want anymore.
I want to be with someone who laughs with me and tells me to lighten up, and [Nina.]
Who's this? Me.
That's you.
And who's that? Mummy.
That's me.
That's right.
And that's - That's your daddy.
- Daddy.
This is our family, Zozo.
Just you and me.
And that's daddy.
["When We Swam" playing.]
Oh why, oh why, oh why? Won't you sing? Bring your hips to me Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me Oh, bring your hips to me Oh, bring your hips Oh, oh, bring your hips to me To me To me Oh why, oh why? Oh why? Won't you sing? Offspring 6x10 "To the Best of My Ability" Sep 14, 2016 [pa system beeps.]
[Mick over pa system.]
Sorry we keep missing each other.
I'll try catch you tomorrow.
That's a big flower.
- That's not even a - I know! [Alfie.]
I need another one.
We don't have any more.
- What? - I'm just going to ring your Aunt.
- Hi, Mum.
- Gather the troops.
Dinner here tonight.
Adults only.
No children.
I have an announcement.
Okay! See you then.
[Kim.]
Look who's back from their honeymoon.
- Hi! - Hello! We are, we have returned.
Oh, when are you coming back to work? [Clegg.]
We're not.
We're going to take some time away from the hospital and go work in the outback.
It's called Flying Joeys, a fly in-fly out service for women in remote communities.
We'll conduct pre-natal clinics, deliver babies.
When are you going? - Straight away.
- Yes, but first the pub, tomorrow.
- You're not coming back.
- Well, a few months.
Fine.
Okay.
Sure.
I've got work to do.
Oh, dear.
Elvis.
Jimmy and Zara.
What's going on? Zara's staying with me.
Okay, I'm just going to come out and say this.
Zara was crazy for sleeping with Angus.
I just hope she can work it out with Jimmy.
I think the best way to support them is to just let them work it out.
Yep.
Okay.
I'll let you guys be.
I'll see you later.
- See ya.
- Bye.
We're busy today.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Harry.
- Hi.
You look like you're waiting for someone.
You.
I didn't like how it ended last time we spoke.
I wanted to apologise.
Me too.
You didn't have to come down here to say that.
No, but it's been on my mind.
Um, you've been on my mind.
Oh.
Because I really like you, a lot.
[both chuckling.]
And I'm hoping you'll have dinner with me.
And I figured you'd be more likely to say yes face to face.
So I'm having dinner at my mother's.
Is that your way of saying no? No.
We could have a drink afterwards.
Great.
- All right.
- Right.
Well, text me when you've finished dinner.
All right.
Harry? You should know, I'm thinking of doing another IVF cycle.
I thought I should mention that, in case you want to rescind the invitation.
No, I don't want to rescind the invitation.
But, thank you for telling me.
I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- What have we got here? - Power pose.
It's a "fake it till you make it" strategy to give me power and confidence.
You low on power and confidence? Just need a top up.
You hungover? Yeah, big night.
With my brother? What? No, no, no.
How? No.
That's a lot of no's.
- There is nothing going on there.
- Why not? I've got you guys together twice.
Seriously, he is not interested in me.
- Show me the pose.
- Okay.
It's Wonder Woman.
Helps if you imagine music and a wind machine.
Oh, yeah.
- [phone ringing.]
- Billie.
Neens, are you going to mum's adults only tonight? Yes.
Okay, I'm going to arrange for Will to babysit Zoe at your house.
Just accept that it's going to happen.
Goodbye.
That's a doggie.
- Thanks for agreeing to babysit.
- Oh.
I hope Billie didn't strong-arm you into it.
Did she? No, no, not at all.
This is Zoe's dinner.
- Uh-huh.
- In this dish.
It just needs a little bit of heat.
Easy.
Yep, okay.
Oh, we've been doing some art in the evenings, so everything you need is in that container.
We're gonna do some art? That's awesome! - Yeah.
Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mum Mum.
Have a lovely night with Uncle Will.
- Bye, Mummy.
- Bye, sweetheart.
And if there's anything you need, just call.
Yeah, will do.
Will do.
Bye! Bye.
Who's got that? Are they playing soccer? [door closes.]
Ah, here's Nina.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I just say how surprised I am by all your reactions? Normally it's everyone judging everyone and just general opinions.
See? This silence? It's weird.
Jimmy, how are you? Uh, I'm disappointed, yeah.
But mostly, I'm just very, very surprised.
Yeah, me too.
[Nina.]
Let's all sit.
Well, everyone's here, except Will.
I did ask him but he was busy.
He's babysitting for Nina.
And why did you arrange that tonight? I thought he should spend some time with Zoe.
But why tonight? I don't wish to be questioned on the topic.
Let's just be happy that we have Will to call on for childcare.
Can you trace that? Bet you can't.
I bet you can't.
I bet you can't.
I'll do it faster.
Righto.
- [Zoe laughing.]
- Did I do it better? No? - [knocking at door.]
- Oh.
Who's that? Who's that? Oh, I'll be back.
I'll be back.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? Um, babysitting Zoe.
Uh, what are you doing here? Uh, Billie and I are going for a drink, and she said to meet here.
- She's not here.
- Huh.
- Want to come in? - Sure.
Mum, we're all ears.
What's your big, adults only announcement? I am moving into the final chapter of my life.
It's time I thought about funeral arrangements.
Oh my God.
What have you got? - What? - You're dying? - Are you sick? - No.
Is it your liver? I bet it's her liver.
[sighs.]
I'm not dying.
Mum, whatever it is, just tell us, and we'll face it together.
I'm not dying.
I was just being a little bit dramatic.
Ugh.
Don't scare us like that.
[phone ringing.]
Kerry, hello.
So, I'm at your sister's place.
Just confirming this is a set up? Yes.
Have fun.
Sorry, Mum, you were saying? I don't want my funeral to turn out like your father's.
It was Darcy's final wish to be buried in Edinburgh Gardens.
Not that anyone blames you for not making sure that happened.
- Me? - You were dad's executor.
It was your job to make sure that his wishes were carried out.
Bit of a fail.
But, putting the failings to one side, Nina Just not reliable.
Own it.
- [Geraldine.]
But no one's blaming you.
- Oh.
Be that as it may, these are Darcy's ashes.
I've put in an application to have a little memorial for Darcy in the gardens.
Park bench and a tree.
I love it.
Me too.
It's a great idea, Mum.
Good.
[Will.]
Please tell me.
[Kerry.]
You're a button pusher.
You like to sit there and push people's buttons.
[Will.]
Well, you don't have a sense of humour.
[Kerry.]
Ah, no, you're just not that funny.
[Will.]
Well [Kerry.]
Yeah, I can believe that you've never had a girlfriend.
- I've had girlfriends.
- Really? Any more than a year? - More than six months? - Hello.
That is my cue to leave.
Billie, Zoe's asleep, - and that is your problem.
- Wait, this is all wrong.
I leave you guys alone for a couple of hours and this is what I come home to? - Why are you still here? - That's what I've been asking.
You could have left at any time, but no, you hung around to argue.
I was about to leave.
No, you weren't.
You, why are you so dumb? - I'm not.
- [Kerry.]
You are.
You two are high functioning in every area of your lives, but, you both seriously need remedial romance classes.
Now Kerry, do you think Will's hot? - Yes.
- You said I was funny looking.
Oh, have a cry.
I said you were geeky, which was a compliment.
Will, when girls are mean to you it often means they like you.
Not always.
Sometimes it means they really don't like you, but the point is to work out which is which.
Kerry is - Smoking hot.
- Whatever.
Okay, that's all we need at this point.
Level of attraction.
Now Kerry's all dressed up looking lovely to go out for a drink.
Ask her out.
- Do you want to go for a drink? - With? Me? Okay.
But this isn't gonna work.
[instrumental music playing.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You look beautiful.
- You look handsome.
I say that as a friend, of course.
Yeah, of course.
This is how I dress for friends.
Uh, can I buy you a drink? No, I'm going to buy you a drink.
Billie's right.
I I don't know what I'm doing.
I am hopeless at relationships.
Why? Well, men find me intimidating.
Maybe I can be harsh sometimes.
Well I I don't go on many third dates.
Why? Too tall.
[laughing.]
What? That's That's what she laughs at? No, come on.
Really? Um, uh, and I guess when I'm I'm nervous I find it hard to be a human.
But, for what it's worth, I don't find you intimidating.
You know what? This This has been a cute game, but, Billie and I work together.
You're her brother.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna mix the professional and the personal.
And anything that happens between us is a guaranteed disaster.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Thank you.
You're a very sweet guy.
And thank you for the drink, but I'm going to get a cab.
Good night.
Bye.
I was surprised today.
Um, I I thought I'd blown our chances.
No, I'd convinced myself that nothing could work between us.
Um, then over the last few weeks, I've thought of nothing but you.
You're thinking about more IVF.
No, no we're, um, we're not talking about that tonight.
Fertility and sperm are embargoed.
[both chuckling.]
I just want to get to know you.
That's That's a relief.
Tell me something about yourself.
- What? - Anything.
Anything? That's too broad.
Do you have brothers and sisters? Um, yes, one of each.
- And you're in the middle.
- Yeah.
Takes one to know one.
It's like being a matador between two bulls.
[serene music playing.]
Good morning.
Morning.
Um, hungry? I can't stay for breakfast.
- Oh.
- I've gotta go.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, I've just I've just gotta get going.
Sure, sure.
And, um Um, what happens next? Um, oh, this is all a bit too much.
This is this is too much? [Nina.]
What am I doing? Hey, you seem a little upset.
Oh.
No, uh, no, I'm not upset.
- So - I've just gotta get going.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
It's just it wasn't It's the Last night wasn't real, Harry.
- Um - We put ourselves in a bubble and we were pretending that there were no obstacles.
We're pretending that this is possible.
It's not.
What's going on? [Nina.]
What is going on, Nina? You have your life and I have mine.
That's all right.
No, I I can't do whatever this is.
- I'm not asking you to do anything.
- No.
Uh, I can't I can't give myself to you.
You told me I was a disaster, and you're right.
I am.
That's what I am.
Okay, if I said something, if something last night made you vulnerable No, no, I'm panicking.
I'm a panicker and I'm panicking.
And I'm going.
So please don't follow me.
Just let me go.
Sorry.
[Nina.]
You're home now.
You're safe.
- Neens? - Yeah.
- Uh, something's happened.
- What? - What's wrong with Zoe? - No, no, it's not Zoe.
- What? - Um, they were making art last night, and I didn't know.
I thought everything was fine.
- Yes? - And Zoe was playing in her room.
I'm so sorry.
Oh no.
Oh no.
[crying.]
[door opens.]
[footsteps approaching.]
I have missed you so much.
I keep trying to figure out who you were trying to hurt.
Me, or, yourself? Me too.
Both, I think.
It's like you got the biggest stick you could find to try to smash us up with.
And it's doing my head in because If you'd just come to me and said, "Hey", there's this guy that I want to sleep with," then we could have had that conversation.
Do you think you would have been okay if I had have come to you? Maybe not, but, was it about sex? No.
I can forgive you.
But the question is, do you want me to? What type of a question is that? Well, do you want to come back home, or do you actually want to end this? I just I feel like we're always saying that it's going to be okay at some point.
But, we're just living on fumes.
If there are things making life impossible, then let's just rearrange whatever we have to.
If you failed this year, then so what? Do it again next year.
It's going to be easier the second time.
I will stand by you throughout the very worst and I will continue to believe in this relationship.
But only if you'll do it too.
I'm just so stressed and tired and I don't know what I want.
I kind of think if you wanted to come home, that you'd know it.
I don't know what I want means I don't know what I want.
I'm gonna go.
[piano music playing.]
- [phone beeps.]
- [Kerry.]
Hey, it's me.
I'm on my way in.
Prepare yourself for a tale of woe about last night.
[phone ringing.]
Kez, give him a chance.
At the very least he'll give you free legal advice.
Billie, it's Brody.
Brody! I'm so happy to hear your voice.
I'm here.
I walked from Southern Cross station.
[crying.]
I think I'm lost.
I think I'm near your mum's house, but I don't know which way to go.
What's this number you're calling from? It's It's a pay phone.
Mum confiscated mine.
I've got no money and I've got a cramp.
It hurts and I just really want to be with you.
Okay, we'll work out where you are, and I'm going to come and get you.
Geraldine as I live and breathe.
Phil! [laughs.]
Well, congratulations on your ascendancy to council.
Gracias.
Yes, the leadership spilled and I mopped up the power.
I'm actually here in a business capacity.
- A park bench in Darcy's honour.
- Yes.
I thought perhaps over there.
Or, over there.
Yes, it's not possible.
- I thought you had power.
- Oh, I do.
Uh, I think this is where you say, "but, surely Phil, there must be something that can be done," and I say, "Spend a night with me.
" And my answer is no.
So is mine.
[Geraldine exhales.]
Well then, there's nothing more to say.
You'll be back, Geraldine.
We both know it.
Nice gown.
Arsehole.
[Brody groans.]
Is that a contraction? It comes and goes.
Comes and goes.
Sounds like a contraction.
I'm not nine months pregnant.
The baby's not coming yet.
- Yeah, but - [Brody groans.]
Gone again.
See? [phone ringing.]
- Billie.
- Neens, are you still at work? - Yes, just finished.
- I'm at mum's.
Brody's here.
Oh, okay.
Do you think you could swing by on your way home? It might be nothing, could be Braxton Hicks.
Yeah, there's no harm in checking her out.
Mum's got Zoe anyway.
Great.
See you soon.
Okay.
[Brody groaning.]
Ah.
Right, we're going to lie you down, Brody.
Come and lie down.
I just need to examine you.
Is that okay? Right here, Billie.
[Brody groaning with pain.]
Billie! It's okay.
[Brody exhaling deeply.]
You're alright, darling.
Let's lie you down.
Take your time.
[Brody exhaling deeply.]
Lie down.
Just slowly.
Yep, you're okay.
- Yeah, shoes off.
- Shoes off? Knees up high.
Just get this Take some breaths.
When did her water break? - Just then.
- Okay.
- [Brody groaning.]
- Good girl.
[Brody crying.]
It hurts! - Is that the cord? - Yes.
Right, on all fours, right now.
Turn over.
There you go.
[grimacing.]
I got you.
It's okay.
I'm going to need a pillow and some clean towels.
It's okay, Brody.
I'm just going to put my hand inside a little bit, okay? - It'll hurt a little bit.
I know it hurts.
- [Brody crying.]
Okay, do some deep breathing with me.
- Take a deep breath in.
- There you go.
[Brody groaning.]
Oh.
It's okay.
Oh, everyone's here.
- Oh, Mum, wait.
Brody's giving birth.
- Yes, I can see that.
Come on Zoe, let's put Peppa on the iPad.
Billie, call an ambulance.
- Shall we get the car? - Ambulance.
Thanks, Mum.
Can you get me the fetal heart rate monitor? - Yes.
- It's in the bag there.
It's a little machine, got a small screen.
- Is this it? - Yeah, that's it.
Hello, we need an ambulance at 84 Oswald Street.
Pop it low down on her stomach.
- We've got a girl in Labor.
- On the monitor, Mum, - what does it say? What number? - Uh, 90.
- Put the phone to my ear.
- Here.
Hello? We have a woman labouring at 36 weeks gestation with a cord prolapse and fetal bradychardia.
[Brody crying and groaning.]
Thank you.
They're on their way.
What's bradychardia? Is that too fast? Too slow.
It's way too slow.
Oh no, Billie, I'm gonna die! - No, no, you're not going to die.
- No, it's okay No, no.
Brody, listen to me.
We're all going to stay very calm, okay? I'll just put your hair back.
- Brody, put your head in Billie's lap.
- Yeah.
What's happening? The baby's in distress.
It's squashing the cord, and the cord is the oxygen supply.
If we don't do something soon, the baby's going to suffocate.
Should we wait for the ambulance? - No, the baby could be gone.
- I wanna I wanna push.
No, no, don't push.
Don't push, Brody, okay? I'm going to try something.
- Take a deep breath.
- [crying.]
.
[screaming.]
I'm sorry.
What does it say now, Mum? Is it faster? No, it's 80 darling, I'm sorry.
Shit.
Okay, Brody, I'm going to try again.
It's going to hurt, I'm sorry.
No No, Billie, I don't want to No, don't get up, Brody! Don't get up.
It's okay.
Brody Jordan, I'm with you, and you're going to do this.
We're all going to do this.
Come on.
Lie back down.
Good girl.
I've got you.
Come on, here we go.
Deep breath in.
[screaming and crying.]
Alright, Mum, what is it now? It's It's 130.
No, it's 150.
Okay, now I need you to push.
It's all okay.
Big push.
That's it, big push.
[crying and groaning.]
Get a towel ready, Mum.
Big push, darling.
Big push.
[screams loudly.]
That's it.
Nice and low.
Big push.
Keep pushing.
That's it, that's it.
[groaning.]
Here we are.
[Geraldine.]
It's a boy.
I'm just going to cut the cord.
Why isn't the baby crying? It's okay.
Won't be a minute.
- Mum, get me the oxygen mask.
- Yes.
One, two, three.
[baby crying.]
He's okay? - He's okay.
- My God! That's your son, Brody.
Hi, darling, do you want to come and look? How about this, Zoe? [knock on door.]
Oh, that'll be the ambulance.
I'll go.
He'll be okay, won't he? Yeah.
His little band says "Baby of Brody".
Bob, for short.
Oh Neens, I love him so much I think my soul's going to break in half.
[serene music playing.]
Are the others at the pub? Yes.
I'm about to go.
Will you come? My place is here.
With these two.
I'm so sorry about the pictures of Patrick.
I've been holding on to the idea of family, Zoe, me and Patrick.
But, that's a version of the past.
To Zoe he's nothing.
You know, she didn't even meet him.
I just didn't want him to be completely gone.
Yeah, I know.
I think if that piece of Patrick is still here, I can't be a good partner to anyone else.
It's like I'm saving a part of myself, but that means I'm not living.
No.
So I can't I can't keep the sperm, can I? Otherwise I'll be stuck forever.
Never quite in the here and now.
You think Patrick was the love of your life.
He was.
Yeah.
What if he's not the only one? - I better go.
- Yeah.
[Elvis.]
This is from all of us.
I wrapped it.
Thank you guys! Oh, this is great! It's a couples set.
Yes, very spiffy.
We will wear these every day.
Yeah, looks great.
- [Harry.]
Hello? - Hi.
Hi, Nina.
I wanted you to know that my daughter Zoe is is my child from Patrick, and I'm not going to have another one.
That decision can't have been easy.
No, it wasn't.
But, it's the right one.
I didn't do this for you.
I know.
Are you all right? Yes.
And so I was wondering, are you coming to Martin and Cherie's farewell? Do you want me to? Yes.
Yeah.
I'll see you there.
Yeah, I'll see you there.
Bye.
[Cherie.]
We'll be back! Right, so, who's for champagne? [together.]
Yes.
Kerry, hi.
I got a call from Billie telling me to meet her here.
I'm such a putz.
I keep falling for it.
Oh God, there he is.
Mum's just outside.
She told me to say she begs an audience with you.
Please join her outside.
Come on kids, let's go.
Oh, Hello, Marjorie.
Geraldine.
Will told me you had trouble with your park bench permit, so I thought let's do it anyway.
And you can have that made up.
- Wait, this is going in the park? - Yeah.
No, that's illegal, Mum.
I can't be a party to this.
Oh, Will! Darcy Proudman was your father.
We can do it under the cover of darkness.
No one'll notice.
- We'll get caught.
- Oh, dad would love it, though.
I've, procured the bubbly.
Feel like breaking the law? Yes.
I'll get Dad's ashes.
[indistinct chatter.]
Let me carry this.
I just need a hand with the shovel.
- Thanks.
- There it is.
- Harry? - Hey.
Change of location.
Edinburgh Gardens.
Great.
- Nina.
- How's Brody? How's the baby? Both perfect.
Fast asleep.
We're about to scatter Dad's ashes in the park.
Right now? Yes.
Meet you there.
[indistinct chatter.]
[all exclaim.]
You okay? [Billie.]
Hey, I'm here! Just over here.
Just about here.
- Okay.
- Here.
Pretty good.
What do you reckon? [Geraldine.]
Oh, it's perfect.
Mum, while we're doing this, I'd like you to make me your executor.
Oh darling, I was going to ask you.
I don't believe you but I accept your solemn trust.
And I'm available for anyone else, if you'd like an executor.
Harry! Oh, hi.
Hi, Harry.
I'm I'm really sorry.
- I freaked out before.
- Yeah, it's okay.
There were so many things that fed into it.
Really it's because I'm I'm so scared of what this means.
But, I want to find out.
Do you? Are you asking me to go round with you? Yes.
I think I'm supposed to ask you.
Lighten up.
Whoa! Were you just about to kiss me? Uh, yes.
- But, if you don't want me to - No, I want you to.
I just You know this can only end badly.
Don't care.
Yes.
I take full responsibility for that.
Okay.
Maybe, um, someone should say something.
Or, perhaps they should sing something.
What? Bloody hell.
Alright [clears throat.]
Wild thing You make my heart sing You make everything groovy Wild thing Wild thing I think I love you I wanna know for sure Come on and hold me tight You move me wild thing You make my heart sing You make everything groovy Come on come on Wild thing Maybe we might just be a little bit You make my heart sing - Hey! - You make everything groovy What's going on here? Run! ["Wild Thing" playing.]
See ya, Dad.
Now this is a funeral Darcy would be proud of.
Help! Stop it! Why does this always happen to me? Wild thing You make my heart sing You make everything groovy Wild thing Wild thing Shake it shake it Wild thing [moans.]
Is anybody else not panicking about last night?