Portlandia (2011) s06e10 Episode Script

Do I just pour the broth into the noodles? No! Don't mess with this noodle.
Only dip.
Ooh, chopsticks.
I know how to use these.
Me too.
We have one order of tsukemen.
- Oh.
- Tsukemen? These are our cold Japanese dipping noodles.
More garnishes will be coming out.
I don't think this is what we ordered.
We don't work here.
A-are you asking us to make it? Yeah.
We're not chefs.
Oh, I think what we ordered "Sookie-man.
" - It's pronounced tsukemen.
- Tsukemen? - Enjoy.
- What but do you want to send this back to the kitchen so you guys can make it and then bring it back? Why do I have a blank soup? Okay.
Well, I don't even have a soup.
Why are there n-naked noodles? I'm gonna start with the salad.
But I think there's a-a proper way to do it that It's All edible.
Nance, this is, like, Asian food.
This is you've got to do it like they do it in in an actual country.
Well, hon, I'm hungry.
No.
No! That's the dressing? - I - I think that's the soup.
- It's not a soup.
- Le let's do this the right way.
What what what Mmm.
Peter, now my favorite dress has a stain on it.
What's that? Th th this is not a soup.
Help! Hel p-p please, can can someone help? So w we don't know how to do any of this.
There's a proper way to do it.
You simply take your noodles and dip them into your broth.
What are you doing? Tying a knot? Yeah, I'm making a dumpling.
It's reAlly important that you don't let your noodles soak in the broth.
And and the eggs are for breakfast for tomorrow? For a little bit more richness.
Gives it more mouth feel.
It's kinda like a tea ceremony for food.
These flavors have been around for centuries, so we're honoring them today.
And what century wh wh wh does the flavor come from? Peter, while you're talking, I'm about to eat food.
I'm just gonna put All this in here.
No! Only dip! You've been warned.
Wow.
Hot-headed.
Could we get this to go, please? Oh, Peter, there's so many containers.
I'm not gonna be able to fit it All in here, hon.
Sure.
You just move that bottle right over there.
ActuAlly, why don't you throw this milk out? I'm not gonna throw it out.
I don't want to waste it.
Just drink it.
Oh.
It's like cottage cheese.
Look, I just combined everything so it should fit.
No, no, no, no.
I-I-I-I don't think you sup - Yep.
- I don't think that's - the right thing to do.
- All good.
I think keep them separate.
Nance, I-I don't I don't - Aah! - You didn't dip, Nance! What happened? It was just just a bad dream, I guess.
Oh, no.
Good morning.
As you know, the Nokia Corporation is gonna be visiting today, and they're looking to potentiAlly open a plant here, which would mean thousands of new local jobs.
We reAlly want everything to be especiAlly polished today.
Spick-and-span.
The mayor wants this to go reAlly, reAlly well.
OPP Radio, I'm Gregory Gonzalez Gomez.
And I am Brianne Maxwell Jones, and we are right in the middle of our spring pledge drive.
We've got a goal of $50,000 Think of it as an investment in your own entertainment and education.
The other day, we ha we had a driveway moment.
There was a wonderful story on teenagers in Papua, New Guinea who sell sand.
Here in public radio, a driveway moment is something that defines who we are.
You're in your car, listening to a show, and you're almost at your house.
You pull up, and you don't want to spend that time going from your car to your house and missing the very important part of the story.
So you stay in your car until the story is over.
And what we're asking for today is for you to donate to keep this community of public radio listeners going.
Through your pledges, we brought in the new Beck album and we played it f - Oh, damn it.
- What? I left my phone at home.
- Let's go back.
- I can't believe I did that! It was right on the counter.
Just it was I looked at it, and I just kept walking.
Damn it! Ugh.
We'll just leave it.
Okay.
Ahem.
I bet you someone's texting me right now.
Like right now, they're, like, "Hey, how are you doing?" honestly, it's often one of those things where you get back, and you think there's been an emergency, and there's literAlly nothing.
The texts that I want to return, they're not the important ones, but the ones where someone's like, "Hey, what's up?" And it just seems like I'm mad at them.
And I don't want anyone to think that.
Ugh.
I miss the heat of it in my pocket.
Konichiwa.
Today on "Asia-phile," we're going to talk about the various ways you can bow.
And in dealing with, uh, business colleagues, you should know the difference between the formal and informal bows, and know when to use the very, very formal.
Let's bow, shAll we? Here's me doing the formal bow.
Look at my back.
Here's me doing the informal.
- Nokia's here, sir.
- Hmm? Good.
Konichiwa.
Where are the Nokia people? Apparently that's them.
I thought it was a Japanese company.
ActuAlly, Mr.
Mayor, we are a Finnish company.
- Tracy Bing, Nokia.
- Nokia.
Jim and I, here, are heads of Nokia North America.
- Hi.
Jim Riggins.
- Wow.
You are not exactly what I was expecting at All.
So it's not a Japanese company? No, sir.
It's a Finnish company.
- Finnish? - Finnish.
- Finland.
- So wouldn't it be, - like, "Nu-kea"? - Nokia.
Well, I prepared an elaborate Japanese welcoming bow ceremony.
I reAlly, reAlly, reAlly did a lot of work on it, but Go ahead.
Do it anyway.
Tracy, Jim, welcome.
I'm so excited to show you the bright, eager, young workforce that we have here.
I have no doubt you will choose Portland as your home.
Kind of curious, who else are you considering? Seattle.
No contest.
Bunch of dum-dums up there.
Nance? The fridge is wide open.
- What? - Want anything for lunch? I could go for some of those leftovers, hon.
The noodles are gone.
No, hon, they're on the shelf.
No, they're not.
They're they're not here.
Well, Peter, they didn't just get up and walk away.
I-I-I-I think they did.
There's little noodle footprints that go out the the the front of the fridge and they they make a left and go down the hAll and there's broth everywhere.
You didn't dip.
Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ah, damn it.
Right on my shirt.
It's gonna be there All day.
Oh, well.
Oh, God.
Now I have to get this shirt dry-cleaned.
What you're going to see here is a potential workforce the likes of which doesn't exist anywhere else.
Only in Portland.
You see All the busy little bees working away on projects, All personal projects.
Why shouldn't they be working for you? Hmm? Let's talk to one of them, shAll we? Excuse me? Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm the mayor.
I see you're working hard there on a - uh, you've got a little spill.
- Oh, yeah.
We couldn't have a spill like that around the office.
- Well, you keep working.
- Oh, okay.
There you go.
Thank you.
- Sir, hi.
I'm the mayor.
- Oh, hi.
- Ugh.
- A stain.
Um - Oh.
- These people are slobs.
We can't have that in the office.
I don't think Portland's gonna work for us.
- Mm-mm.
- Uh, well, let's, uh, let's get you in.
Now, uh, I know Nokia is in need of strong workforce.
I don't know what to do with my hands.
Just like this.
Reach in my pocket back pocket.
Wish I had a You know, I wish I had rings I could play with on my fingers.
That's what I should do is try to get Whoa, a lot of people are tweeting about this wet noodle - that's on a rampage.
- I'm that out of it already? Yeah.
Sightings downtown.
Sightings like Ahh! Okay, we're getting breaking news on a noodle monster of some kind.
We will try, if we can, my finger is on the button to switch over to that story.
Just waiting for that $50,000.
Brianne's finger is on the button, and we're almost gonna do the switch, but we just need that $50,000.
And in fact, this in itself can be a driveway moment, but we need your funds.
Donate anything.
$5, $10, 20, 50, anything you can.
And if you're like Scrooge McDuck, and you're, like, swimming in money in, like, a real pool full of, like, very bright yellow gold coins, please contribute.
It is our fault.
We take responsibility.
We birthed this monster with our ignorance.
Excuse me, do you plan to apologize to the chefs of this city whom you've just embarrassed - by your faux pas? - Yes.
We're we're we we have a statement to a All chefs in in our wonderful city, we apologize with with our full heart and body Are you going to apologize to homeowners whose homes have been ruined by this noodle monster? To ho homeowners out there, if you're watching, we're we're so sorry.
Are you going to apologize to the apartment dwellers who you just left out? Apartment dwellers, we are so sorry.
And if you're in 10A or in 15K Are you going to apologize for the rising rent? We're sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
Please just have a seat right here, - and I'll be right back.
- Everything's okay? Yes.
Just a minor hiccup.
Sam, could you, uh So we got some crazy monster movie on our hands here.
Chef, what exactly are we dealing with? Mr.
Mayor, this is tsukemen.
It's a cold Japanese wheat noodle for dipping in ramen broth.
I I'm sorry.
I didn't have a chance to look any of this I don't have my phone with me, so why would a noodle increase in size and then attack a city? So the thing is, if it's dipped, it's a delicious dish.
But if it's soaked in the broth, it turns into a monster.
What does it want? What does this noodle want? It just wants to be dipped.
But it's gotten dunked.
It's gotten dunked and soaked.
So the noodle wanted a shower, but someone gave it a bath.
As if the noodle has been baptized against its will.
Why isn't it rice? Why didn't rice happen? Why is it It's it's a wheat noodle from wheat.
Not a rice noodle from rice.
- You need to get your phone.
- I don't have a phone.
You guys All have your phones with you.
I don't have mine, okay? So the my little brain is trying to come up with solutions - I don't chopstick guns.
- We tried that.
How how are we gonna deal with this? I mean, I want it dealt with humanely, of course.
No one gets hurt, including the noodle, but we have to deal with it.
Any ideas? Maybe we could take one of our city pools and fill it with ramen broth.
Then we get the noodle and we dip it, turns it back into a delicious dish.
- That's a great idea.
- A quick dip.
- Quick dip.
- A quick dip.
We've got to forcibly get it into this pool of broth.
I think I know people that are good at pushing things into pools.
- Frat guys.
- Yeah? We need you to push the noodle monster into the water.
- We could do that.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Don't you guys want to be heroes? Do you guys want to be heroes? - You guys hear that? - Yeah.
Do we agree on that? - Perfect! - Ahh! My socks are on, buddy.
I've got my phone in my pocket.
So this this pool thing's not going to work.
Mayor, could we have a word with you? Yeah.
Excuse me.
One second.
We're just about through with our little hiccup.
Can I get you anything else? Some magazines or a board game? ActuAlly, I think we're just gonna head to the airport.
No.
We feel like we have a good take on what Portland is, how it, um, operates, so thanks very much for showing us everything.
You reAlly haven't had a chance to experience All of Portland.
Well, it seems like you got something pretty big going on here, so Well, we're busy, but not too busy for you.
Take care.
Allen.
Well, the Nokia people didn't say it directly, but I think it would please them if we destroyed this noodle once and for All.
Well, I-I just have an apology hangover right now.
I feel awful.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Nance.
Well, I'm not sorry 'cause I'm sick of being sorry.
Hey, wh wh wh wh where's the fridge? The stairs are All wet.
What's going on? Ahh! - Ah! - We're sorry.
What what else do you want from us? You you want a written apology? I'm done apologizing.
I don't even know what we did wrong.
Can you hear us? Maybe he understands gestures of apology.
I'm not gonna bow to a noodle.
We're we're sorry.
We apologize.
Listen, we've had enough of you.
Just get out of here! Scram! - Ah! Peter Peter.
- Ahh! Get it! Come on! Ahh! No! Ahh! No! Oh, ah.
Ahh! Peter! Uh, we are closing in on the noodle monster.
It'll be in range in three minutes.
Great, great.
It was last seen, uh, near Sandy and 33rd.
I think it's heading back to my restaurant to suck down some more broth.
Copy that.
I've located the target.
I am prepared to lock in and fire.
Excellent.
Terminate with extreme prejudice.
Engaging termination.
I will be firing in 15 seconds.
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, hold on, pilot.
Ma'am, what are you doing there? What is your beef? We need to exterminate this noodle.
My husband's in there.
He got slurped up.
I need to get him out.
Ma'am, I can't.
The folks from Nokia are on their way to Seattle, and they've just seen us with lots of stains on our shirts.
No, no, no, listen.
I can neutralize the situation.
I can do it humanely.
Please.
Please.
You've got two minutes.
Get me NPR.
We are a go for Operation Driveway Moment.
That's why in this, uh, pledge drive, we need you Out of the chair! Out of the chair! Move, move, move! Get up, get up, get up! Oh, geez.
Okay, okay.
I'm Kai Ryssdal, this is "Marketplace.
" So let me tell you actuAlly a little story.
When I lived in Beijing, there was a place I went to, a little noodle shop that I went to every single day for lunch we had dondonya, which if you've never had dondonya, I cannot recommend it highly enough.
A bowl of noodles steaming hot, there's some spicy broth on the bottom, a little pork on top, some scAllions, maybe a little garlic.
If you've never tried it, try it.
Anyway, what happens is I go back to China a couple of years ago and I go to try to find my little noodle shop.
My little dondonya shop, right? I mean, it was about a five tables, little thing, over in the corner somewhere, and I'm walking All around Beijing.
Can't find it, can't find it.
FinAlly I turn a corner, 'cause as you know, China has changed a lot in the past 20 years.
Turn a corner and there's the spot.
It's a huge glass building, but here's the deal.
This is not a joke.
He's engaged in the story.
We have a driveway moment.
Repeat, we have a driveway moment.
Go for broth.
It was empty, China is changing.
Remember I said up at the top, 44 billion individual portions of noodles and that's even after somebody has come in and knocked down my Volkswagen dealership.
So the conclusion to draw here, I think, if I can sum it up, which I reAlly hope I can "Asia-phile.
" Hey, everybody.
We're going to have a ramen eating lesson today.
Um, it's a very specific kind of ramen.
Tsukemenen ramen.
It's the dipping kind of ramen.
Hold on, hon.
I just have to watch this video.
We use the noodles, dip into the broth and eat.
These are standard chopsticks that you can find - in markets across America.
- Come on! I was in, uh, I was in Shanghai not too long ago, went to the Night Noodle Market, actuAlly in a corner of Shanghai, extraordinary experience, here's what they did: took a little bAll of dough, whapped it on the counter, and boom, stretched it out into a noodle.
Whapped it on the counter again, stretched it out into four noodles.
Whapped it, eight noodles.
You whap it one more time, 16 No, wait, let let's hear the end.
- Oh, okay.
-64.
3 1/2 minutes later, bang, bowl of noodles.
Now, here's the moral of the story: Noodles matter.
Noodles matter to people.
They matter to local economies And speaking of the economy, we are still doing our pledge drive.
We're losing him.
Driveway Moment, disengage.
- No, no! - No, no.
I think they're going to take an economic downturn here I don't know, actuAlly, how much time we're going to have to stretch out the pledge drive, so let's get back to the Asian food market worldwide, which I'm sure people are interested in.
I'm sorry, Peter.
So essentiAlly, you want to get a big bite of this.
Dip it into your broth, and then slurp it down in one shot.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Still not working.
- Oh, just let go.
- It's not gonna work.
- Okay.
Peter? Peter! Yes! Yes! Amazing! All right, and, uh, and there we are.
That is Marketplace, uh, for today, and I'm Kai Ryssdal, thanks very much.
Mr.
Mayor, Mr.
Mayor, excuse me, excuse me, everybody.
The way you worked with your citizens to neutralize this monstrosity and bring it to a peaceful conclusion was impressive.
We've decided to offer you a job in our headquarters in Finland.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Um, I have to decline.
I'm the mayor of Portland, Oregon, and this is my dream job, so thank you, but no.
Yay! - Ahh! Ahh! - Peter! Peter! - Oh, look at you.
- Who is that? Oh, it's like you just came out of a womb.
- It's Nance.
- Oh, Nance.
Uh, oh, the there was noodles All around me.
I-I know.
I just ate the entire noodle.
The the the tsukemen? Just like the waiter had told us to do.
Just like you told me to do.
I-I put it All in order.
I watched a video and I just slurped up that big noodle.
A-are you in the Army? No, hon, I'm not in the Army.
Oh, look at All the troo look at All the troops.
- Yeah.
- I-I salute you.
Private Nance reporting for duty.
Uh, N Nance, any way that you eat noodles is fine with me.
I don't care, as long as I get to be with you.
Can you see me? - You're my cute smudge.
- You're my cute smudge.