Reno 911! (2003) s06e10 Episode Script
Stoner Jesus
Every single time I do child's pose, out comes a fart.
It's great.
Oh, my fucking god! God damn it! God damn it, that's my bike! Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department! I need your bike.
I need your bike.
No time to discuss it.
I'm sorry.
I don't-I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all.
MTV networks Son of a bitch.
God damn it! [Coughs.]
come on! They all have guns! Ow! Push 'em together? Sheriff's department! I need your bike! Aah! [Siren.]
[Empty gun clicks.]
Watch.
Watch.
Aah! You don't have to get an X-ray, but if it turns up, there's- I'm just saying, there's a reward if you poop out This young lady's engagement ring.
Can I get a polite round of applause For deputy Travis Junior? Williams: for what? For the beautiful artwork that he did For my princess Diana of Wales 10-Year memorial tribute.
Junebug, you drew that? Rizzo: I had no idea.
Dangle: anyway, Travis, thank you very much.
It's beautifully done.
Junior: it took me all weekend.
So this Saturday at 7:30, it's my 10-Year tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales.
I hope you all can be there.
Declan: are these for us? Yeah.
Pass them around.
All right.
Williams: I would like to, but I can't make it.
I'll see you there.
Declan: no, you won't.
Yes, I will.
No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
No.
I can play this game all day.
You want to play chess? You want to play mouth chess? I'll mouth chess you.
Junior: what time is it? 7:30.
Shit.
Busy.
Really? Yeah.
It is mandatory.
I think I got the kids this weekend.
Yeah Oh, bring them.
They'll love it.
It's great for kids.
Great for kids.
It'd be good for kids.
They're terrified of theater.
Big boy, big boy? Uh, you know what? I don't like being referred to as big boy anymore.
All right.
OK.
Whoever's not there is working Christmas.
So that's how it goes.
If you're not there, that's fine.
Lieutenant, legally, are you allowed to do this? Dangle: absolutely.
If we're gonna start questioning if what each other is doing Is legal, do we want to pull-The thread of that sweater? Start pulling it and pulling it and pulling it Till our teats are flopping about and we have no sweater left.
Sir? I don't want my teats flapping about.
Declan: nobody wants your teats- No one wants their teats - Nobody wants that.
Dangle: let's not worry about-Let's not Dangle: hey, Mike! Junior: you can hear us.
Mike, I know you can hear me.
Pull the fuck over.
Ha ha ha ha! You got that one? You don't listen good, do you? Come on.
I'm just out daredeviling.
Oh, son, you're on out there daredeviling? Out daredeviling? That is a very nice suit.
Out daredeviling.
Thanks.
I would almost go so far as to say, Junior-Would you say this is a suspiciously nice suit? I might say that.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Facemask, facemask.
Five yards, 15 yards.
Would you say it's a suspiciously nice suit? I was willed this suit.
Really? You were willed that suit? You know, that's not what the people At the funeral home said, Mike.
It turns out, there's a naked older gentleman In a coffin-The perpetrator last seen fleeing on- Oh, no.
That's right.
The Schwinn banana bike.
The perfect crime.
The perfect crime.
The perfect crime.
Stealing a suit from a dead man And getting away on a Schwinn banana bike.
Why would I have the helmet? If I'm stealing at all, why wouldn't I steal A fedora or a nice little Jack hat? I was gonna thank you for wearing the helmet Because it is bike safety week.
It is bike safety week.
Oh, is it? Yeah.
Yeah.
For those of you kids at home, It is bike safety week.
And always wear a helmet.
[Music playing.]
It smells like a Phish concert.
Whew! Kind of smells like Bob Marley's basement or something.
Dangle and Junior: sheriff's department! Sorry, guys.
We're just blowing off a little steam.
We're the touring company of "Jesus Christ, superstar.
" I'm the star, and uh- He's Jesus.
This is my lady.
Wow.
You couldn't have dropped that Any faster.
OK.
Didn't ask that.
Didn't ask that.
We're here at the Reno playhouse for a week.
We've got two shows on Sunday, then we're out of here.
Knock it off.
No pitch, no pitch.
No, there's no commercial.
There's not a commercial.
We have discount tickets available at TKTS.
Don't pitch.
We didn't ask for your life history, sir.
Wow.
Guys- So just turn it down and we'll go.
We'll leave.
Can I say something? I'm feeling a little bit persecuted here Because we've been working hard all week.
Oh, don't play that card.
I'm serious.
Hey, guys, I am trying to get some sleep next door.
It is so- Oh, it's Benny Buzz-kill, everybody.
Because we have two shows tomorrow, OK? I got to get some sleep.
Are you the one who called, sir? Did you call, sir? I'm in the room next-foor-114.
You're the one who called.
114, yeah You called on us? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're cool? We're cool.
We're cool.
Don't bless us.
Don't bless us.
I'm not gonna- Don't bless us like this.
Don't bless us like this.
It feels like a bless you.
Don't do either one of these.
Don't do anything that's Jesus-like.
Don't do anything that's even Bono-like.
Thank you.
Thank you.
OK, thank you.
That's good.
That's Bono-like.
Knock it off.
You're in the show, too? Yeah, I am in the show.
What did he just say? I play Judas.
You're Judas.
Thank you for the call.
We appreciate it.
Down.
A little bit down.
Down more.
Thank you.
Hey, can I talk to you, Cindy? Yeah.
A laundry problem again.
Oh, yeah! I give you 11 pounds of laundry.
OK.
I got 11 pounds back OK.
None of it mine.
Oh, yes.
I remember your laundry.
OK.
It's like XXL white t-shirt, undershirt, right? Yup, yup.
There's gonna be about Yup.
Mm-Hmm.
Oh, and, actually, there's one item I could not wash.
It was the extra-extra large women, uh, underwear.
Women's nightgown.
It was lace.
I can't wash that.
It has to be dry-clean only.
So I can-Can I You know, it's about - It looked like this.
It would fit like this.
Let me explain that to you.
Uh-Huh.
I had a female friend over.
Oh! And she got very sweaty.
OK.
And then she didn't want to put that in her handbag And then forget it and it would get mildewy Right, right.
So she asked me if I could- She a big girl, huh? Well Junior: hey, uh, Cindy, I think that you mixed up my laundry.
I got a big, giant, giant bra That said "Declan" in the back.
I didn't think you were married still.
Did it have- That's my wife's.
And what I'm doing is cleaning out everything And giving it to Goodwill.
But I wanted to get everything washed before I- Your wife writes your name in the back of her bras? I got "Jack Declan.
" I got a couple of thongs that say "J.
Declan" on it Yeah.
I got a giant, giant bra saying "J.
Declan.
" My wife's name was Janice - With a "J.
" Yeah.
Oh, OK.
All right.
Bernice I thought your missus was.
Nope.
Janice.
Janice Yup.
With a "J.
" Yup.
"J.
Declan.
Janice? Yeah! Junior: what is he, like a black belt or like a- He's a sensei-level instructor.
It's what it says.
It says it right on his resume.
Williams: really? Yeah.
Jones: well, you can put anything-I mean Dangle: attention! Hi, everybody.
Hey.
What's up? Today's a great day Because the Reno sheriff's department is going to make the impossible possible.
This is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna show you how to break a board.
The secret to breaking a board is not to hit the board, To hit behind the board.
Hello! Hit me over here.
Not this.
OK.
Let me have a try.
Ow! Ohh! Smacked him right in the dick.
I have been working on my tribute To Diana, princess of Wales.
Do you mind? Do you mind? It just drifted over there, bro.
Um, I've been working on it for 4 years.
It was intended to be performed, Of course, in 2007, which would have, in fact, been The 10-year anniversary of her untimely and tragic death.
Um- Why didn't you do it then? I just didn't have my shit together.
Hello, boys and girls.
My name is deputy Frank Rizzo.
I'm here to talk to you about some of the things that I do And the Reno sheriff's department does To make the town of Reno very safe.
Well, the first thing I do when I get up is I clean my gun.
Guns are very important.
Never be afraid of a gun.
Guns often solve problems that words can't.
So remember that.
Does anyone know what a sting operation is? OK.
It's like a secret mission in a video game, OK? And in order to catch who I'm going after, which is a dirtbag, I need to look like a dirtbag.
So what I'll do is I'll put on some dirty clothes.
Depending on how deep undercover I go, I'll put on some AIDS scabs all over my arms and neck.
And depending on what type of suspect I'm after, I'll put on a cock ring, Or-Does anyone- Or a penis ring? God damn hippies sheriff's department! OK.
Jesus Christ! Man: what? You're back! Yay.
No, I'm not talking to you.
I'm yelling at you.
I'm not talking to you, Jesus Christ.
I'm yelling at you.
Jesus Christ! It is 3:15.
Man: what? It is 3:15 AM.
OK, but we're still celebrating.
We turned it down.
We asked you to stop celebrating 21/2 hours ago! Can I tell you guys what's going on here really? Yeah.
Benny, the guy that called, he's just upset Because he's my understudy and he's always wanted this part.
He's just a jealous little guy.
He's upset, like everybody else in this hotel is upset.
Like every other normal citizen.
They paid $35 for a room, and they do not want to be listening To Allman brothers at 3:15 AM.
I figured those chords out by the way.
Oh, we do not want to hear the chords to the Allman brothers.
Are you sure? I don't want want to have to pull out my pistol.
Are you sure? Really? 'Cause I could- It's G C D.
It's always.
Do not play any instruments.
Woman: I want to hear the chords! If we could arrest you right now, If I didn't have to go to a judge And get a warrant by probable cause- You would be doing- Oh, you would be doing- How many stations further? Well, you can't.
But you don't have a warrant.
And you can't search.
So am I right or am I wrong? Woman: so it was really nice seeing you guys again.
Ooh! Son of a bitch.
God damn this guy's pushing all my buttons Psst! Hey! Guys, come here.
Are you gonna bust the party up? We can't.
We don't have anything on him.
Yeah.
We asked him to turn it down, But that's really all we can legally do.
We can't arrest him for noise disturbance.
Unless he has, actually, possession of it.
We can smell it, but we can't see it.
I might know where that is.
His stuff? You tell us where his weed is, you know who's gonna be playing Jesus tomorrow at 10 AM? Benny is.
Benny is gonna be playing Jesus.
Benny is.
Benny, I'm sorry I was mean to you, man.
Give me a kiss, bro.
Get over here.
Give me a kiss.
That's my man.
His pot's in the grail.
Man: you fucking asshole! What?! Dangle: pot is in the grail.
You have the right to remain silent.
Man: you fucking piece of shit.
Oh, my god, man.
My dad is gonna fucking kill me.
Dangle: are you OK, Terry? Terry? What's the matter, buddy? Terry? Terry? Use your words.
Use your words.
I was murdered.
You were murdered.
OK.
You obviously weren't murdered Because you're alive and you're basically intact.
You weren't murdered, buddy.
You weren't murdered, buddy.
My skate is stolen! OK, your skate is stolen.
It was an alien from the sky.
OK.
It was obviously not an alien from the sky.
Somebody came by- It was a big ship and a alien saying [Gibberish.]
.
And he took my skate.
So he spoke alien talk, and he came and took your skate.
I was playing baseball with my friends.
And an alien ship came down.
And it shined a beam on me.
And they were like, "hey, fag.
And I'm not gay.
Hate crime.
We have an alien hate crime.
I'm not gay.
Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Dangle: just skate around.
Skate it off.
Skate it off.
Skate it off.
Declan: have you got a cell phone? I want to get this for Youtube.
Crystal methamphetamine.
It's a terrible, terrible drug, And it's one that your brain doesn't really recover from.
It basically turns your brain into a sort of a sponge.
If you don't believe it, go to the web and check out facesofmeth dot ul.
Rizzo: usually, blow jobs cost around 40 bucks Or-Or threat of deportation.
There are several methods of interrogation to extract Information that may lead to an arrest.
The femoral artery is located right here.
And what we do sometimes, it's called a bleed-out.
You hit that, either you clip it with a scalpel, Or take your gun.
Do that, and it's gonna just start coming out.
It's just gonna start coming out right through there.
Now, if it's a female suspect, You may want to-You know, You're gonna have to go for the ventricle artery here.
Does anyone know who the ventricle artery is? Very nice.
Once you take care of this situation, Usually you're gonna get the information that you need And we're gonna put the bad guys away.
Whew.
That was a lot of talking.
Ha ha.
Hey, yeah.
A lot to get out.
A lot of info.
Yeah.
We don't usually talk that much.
But, um, it's, um, just- [Sniffs.]
- Right Uh-Oh.
All right.
OK.
Ahem.
So, um, Jim has asked me to be in this princess Diana tribute, And I think we're gonna have a very special treat prepared for everybody.
Ohh.
God.
I'd rather eat A 6-foot-long broken glass dog shit sandwich Than go to that tribute.
OK.
There are leotards involved.
Hey.
You gonna be wearing leotards? I'm gonna be wearing a leotard.
I'll go for you.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'll go for you.
I'll tell you what what? It's gonna be a bit of a camel toe parade.
Ha ha ha! Hey, what is this, "Lawrence of Alabia"? Ha ha ha! That's disgusting.
Look what I found.
Jones: whoa.
In Trudy Wiegel's bedroom.
What, that freak? It's so on.
Let's watch it.
Put that in immediately.
Williams: ah! Oh, my god.
I want to see that.
Trudy getting freaky! Surprise! It's not a sex tape.
It's my will.
Ha ha.
Got you fuckers.
You're not gonna get to see my vag.
Baby Jesus has taken another angel up to heaven today.
I think we all hate Jesus for that, and I think that's OK.
Now, for this next part, if someone could please put this on a loop So it would play over and over again.
And set the monitor on top of the coffin at the funeral, That would be terrific.
[Deep voice.]
hello.
Thank you for coming.
Good day.
It's wonderful to see you again.
Oh, hello there, Carl.
You made it.
Ha ha ha.
Wonderful, wonderful Dangle: is this some kind of death tape? Junior: uh-Huh.
How did we get it? Broke in.
I'm gas lighting her.
Changing the wattage of the light bulbs, make them low.
I know what gas lighting is.
You're trying to make her think she's crazy.
I'm putting left-overs in the fridge of stuff she never ate.
Very good.
Very good Right? So she's like, "Did I-Did I have pop tarts and soup?" Declan: hey, they sell half-again too big phones If you want those to make her think she's shrinking.
Junior: oh! Make her think she's shrinking.
I like the way you think.
You're probably wondering, If I'm not nice to Trudy in this life, What will she do to me in the afterlife? And I do have big plans for haunting.
So just know that if you, you know, fuck with me, Big black guy, if you try and rape my corpse, Then I have some pretty big haunting plans for you.
I'm gonna live inside your fridge.
I'm gonna haunt the fuck out of you for the rest of your life.
I've been working with that bitch for 15 years, And she doesn't know my name.
Jim and I are working on a princess Diana tribute For everybody to see.
Why? That's a good question.
Declan, high-Pitched voice: oh, boo-Hoo! Oh, boo-Hoo! I'm Jack Declan.
I'm so lonely.
Oh, if people could only know inside That I want to be friends, I know they would like me.
[Deep voice.]
shut up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Be a man.
Be a man.
Be a man! [High-Pitched voice.]
ooh, my life's so hard.
Oh, nobody likes me.
Everybody thinks I'm so scary.
[Deep voice.]
of course they do! Just kill yourself.
Just either suck it up and go to the world and face it Or kill yourself because there is no in between.
Uh! Uh! Pull it together.
Fear nothing.
[Toilet flushes.]
Hey.
Hey, man.
How you doing? What's up, guys? Hey, I'm OK.
How about you? Yeah? I'm great.
Uh-Huh.
I'm good, doing good.
Hey.
Everything's OK over here, too.
Yeah.
Hmm, awesome.
How you doing, man? I'm good.
How are you doing? Like I said, everything's OK over here.
How about you, Rizzo? You OK? I'm great, man.
You OK? Yeah.
I am.
Sometimes I worry about you.
No, no.
No.
Don't be.
I feel great.
OK.
If you ever need to talk Right back at you.
If you need to talk about anything.
Hey, I'm gonna get out of here.
Great talking to you.
Jones: OK.
Great talking to you, too, man.
Declan: you think they don't know? They know! Everyone can see through you-Your weakness.
God damn it! Pull it together! Pull it together! Pull it together! Great.
You're coming to the princess Diana tribute, right? That's, uh Travis, you know, I think you heard me.
Oh, the Diana tribute Yeah, yeah.
The show thing.
'Cause I got the little mini-auditorium there and stuff, And I got a smoke machine.
Yeah.
When was that again? It's, uh, it's tonight, tonight at 7:00.
Ooh! So I planned that thing.
What did you plan specifically? That thing.
What is it specifically? A dentist thing.
The dentist thing at 7:00? There's no dentist that's open at 7:00- That's interesting- That I know of.
Yeah.
No, 'cause I'm trying to work it into my schedule.
So you made him stay late.
You called the dentist and had him stay late.
OK.
Just bring me a note tomorrow And an X-ray of the tooth and some documentation.
I could probably get an X-ray of the tooth for you by tomorrow.
Great.
Dangle: Rizzo, I can't ask you to not have the- It's a normal thing that happens to a gentleman in the morning, Particularly if he's sleepy.
I can ask you once again to sit closer to the desk.
Thank you.
I can see your morning erect- Junior: I just went to check on that Jesus guy in cell 3.
He is gone.
The cell's still locked, prison clothes laid out on the bed With nobody in them.
He is not there.
I put him in 3 days ago for the long weekend.
Wiegel: no he's in 6.
Did you say 3? Junior: 3.
No, he's in 6.
[Junior clicks tongue.]
Dangle: oh, that makes more sense.
There was almost a miracle in here.
Jones: yeah yeah.
[Music playing.]
[Dangle singing on recording.]
â I guess the whole world â à forgot to thank you â à for all the great things that you did â à and you'll never know how mad it made me â à the day that I heard that you got killed â à I guess you just touched something inside me â à the same way you touched those guys with AIDS â à and that's why I wrote this song about you â à this is the song for you I made â à you'll never know you are a candle â Good-Ooh! Oh, god! Oh! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, fuck.
I can't breathe.
Gary, get up front.
We fucked this up, man.
I fucking landed on my tailbone.
Ow! MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- Of course, there will be a eulogy Read by none other than my better half, Jim Dangle.
"It was no secret "That Trudy and I were somewhat of an item.
"Sure, I acted as though I couldn't stand her, "Even joked at times how I wished she were dead.
"In fact, we were so in love "That Trudy has made arrangements for us to be buried "Not side by side - Because that would be very expensive "To get two plots- But in the same grave right on top of one another.
"
It's great.
Oh, my fucking god! God damn it! God damn it, that's my bike! Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department! I need your bike.
I need your bike.
No time to discuss it.
I'm sorry.
I don't-I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all.
MTV networks Son of a bitch.
God damn it! [Coughs.]
come on! They all have guns! Ow! Push 'em together? Sheriff's department! I need your bike! Aah! [Siren.]
[Empty gun clicks.]
Watch.
Watch.
Aah! You don't have to get an X-ray, but if it turns up, there's- I'm just saying, there's a reward if you poop out This young lady's engagement ring.
Can I get a polite round of applause For deputy Travis Junior? Williams: for what? For the beautiful artwork that he did For my princess Diana of Wales 10-Year memorial tribute.
Junebug, you drew that? Rizzo: I had no idea.
Dangle: anyway, Travis, thank you very much.
It's beautifully done.
Junior: it took me all weekend.
So this Saturday at 7:30, it's my 10-Year tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales.
I hope you all can be there.
Declan: are these for us? Yeah.
Pass them around.
All right.
Williams: I would like to, but I can't make it.
I'll see you there.
Declan: no, you won't.
Yes, I will.
No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
No.
I can play this game all day.
You want to play chess? You want to play mouth chess? I'll mouth chess you.
Junior: what time is it? 7:30.
Shit.
Busy.
Really? Yeah.
It is mandatory.
I think I got the kids this weekend.
Yeah Oh, bring them.
They'll love it.
It's great for kids.
Great for kids.
It'd be good for kids.
They're terrified of theater.
Big boy, big boy? Uh, you know what? I don't like being referred to as big boy anymore.
All right.
OK.
Whoever's not there is working Christmas.
So that's how it goes.
If you're not there, that's fine.
Lieutenant, legally, are you allowed to do this? Dangle: absolutely.
If we're gonna start questioning if what each other is doing Is legal, do we want to pull-The thread of that sweater? Start pulling it and pulling it and pulling it Till our teats are flopping about and we have no sweater left.
Sir? I don't want my teats flapping about.
Declan: nobody wants your teats- No one wants their teats - Nobody wants that.
Dangle: let's not worry about-Let's not Dangle: hey, Mike! Junior: you can hear us.
Mike, I know you can hear me.
Pull the fuck over.
Ha ha ha ha! You got that one? You don't listen good, do you? Come on.
I'm just out daredeviling.
Oh, son, you're on out there daredeviling? Out daredeviling? That is a very nice suit.
Out daredeviling.
Thanks.
I would almost go so far as to say, Junior-Would you say this is a suspiciously nice suit? I might say that.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Facemask, facemask.
Five yards, 15 yards.
Would you say it's a suspiciously nice suit? I was willed this suit.
Really? You were willed that suit? You know, that's not what the people At the funeral home said, Mike.
It turns out, there's a naked older gentleman In a coffin-The perpetrator last seen fleeing on- Oh, no.
That's right.
The Schwinn banana bike.
The perfect crime.
The perfect crime.
The perfect crime.
Stealing a suit from a dead man And getting away on a Schwinn banana bike.
Why would I have the helmet? If I'm stealing at all, why wouldn't I steal A fedora or a nice little Jack hat? I was gonna thank you for wearing the helmet Because it is bike safety week.
It is bike safety week.
Oh, is it? Yeah.
Yeah.
For those of you kids at home, It is bike safety week.
And always wear a helmet.
[Music playing.]
It smells like a Phish concert.
Whew! Kind of smells like Bob Marley's basement or something.
Dangle and Junior: sheriff's department! Sorry, guys.
We're just blowing off a little steam.
We're the touring company of "Jesus Christ, superstar.
" I'm the star, and uh- He's Jesus.
This is my lady.
Wow.
You couldn't have dropped that Any faster.
OK.
Didn't ask that.
Didn't ask that.
We're here at the Reno playhouse for a week.
We've got two shows on Sunday, then we're out of here.
Knock it off.
No pitch, no pitch.
No, there's no commercial.
There's not a commercial.
We have discount tickets available at TKTS.
Don't pitch.
We didn't ask for your life history, sir.
Wow.
Guys- So just turn it down and we'll go.
We'll leave.
Can I say something? I'm feeling a little bit persecuted here Because we've been working hard all week.
Oh, don't play that card.
I'm serious.
Hey, guys, I am trying to get some sleep next door.
It is so- Oh, it's Benny Buzz-kill, everybody.
Because we have two shows tomorrow, OK? I got to get some sleep.
Are you the one who called, sir? Did you call, sir? I'm in the room next-foor-114.
You're the one who called.
114, yeah You called on us? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're cool? We're cool.
We're cool.
Don't bless us.
Don't bless us.
I'm not gonna- Don't bless us like this.
Don't bless us like this.
It feels like a bless you.
Don't do either one of these.
Don't do anything that's Jesus-like.
Don't do anything that's even Bono-like.
Thank you.
Thank you.
OK, thank you.
That's good.
That's Bono-like.
Knock it off.
You're in the show, too? Yeah, I am in the show.
What did he just say? I play Judas.
You're Judas.
Thank you for the call.
We appreciate it.
Down.
A little bit down.
Down more.
Thank you.
Hey, can I talk to you, Cindy? Yeah.
A laundry problem again.
Oh, yeah! I give you 11 pounds of laundry.
OK.
I got 11 pounds back OK.
None of it mine.
Oh, yes.
I remember your laundry.
OK.
It's like XXL white t-shirt, undershirt, right? Yup, yup.
There's gonna be about Yup.
Mm-Hmm.
Oh, and, actually, there's one item I could not wash.
It was the extra-extra large women, uh, underwear.
Women's nightgown.
It was lace.
I can't wash that.
It has to be dry-clean only.
So I can-Can I You know, it's about - It looked like this.
It would fit like this.
Let me explain that to you.
Uh-Huh.
I had a female friend over.
Oh! And she got very sweaty.
OK.
And then she didn't want to put that in her handbag And then forget it and it would get mildewy Right, right.
So she asked me if I could- She a big girl, huh? Well Junior: hey, uh, Cindy, I think that you mixed up my laundry.
I got a big, giant, giant bra That said "Declan" in the back.
I didn't think you were married still.
Did it have- That's my wife's.
And what I'm doing is cleaning out everything And giving it to Goodwill.
But I wanted to get everything washed before I- Your wife writes your name in the back of her bras? I got "Jack Declan.
" I got a couple of thongs that say "J.
Declan" on it Yeah.
I got a giant, giant bra saying "J.
Declan.
" My wife's name was Janice - With a "J.
" Yeah.
Oh, OK.
All right.
Bernice I thought your missus was.
Nope.
Janice.
Janice Yup.
With a "J.
" Yup.
"J.
Declan.
Janice? Yeah! Junior: what is he, like a black belt or like a- He's a sensei-level instructor.
It's what it says.
It says it right on his resume.
Williams: really? Yeah.
Jones: well, you can put anything-I mean Dangle: attention! Hi, everybody.
Hey.
What's up? Today's a great day Because the Reno sheriff's department is going to make the impossible possible.
This is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna show you how to break a board.
The secret to breaking a board is not to hit the board, To hit behind the board.
Hello! Hit me over here.
Not this.
OK.
Let me have a try.
Ow! Ohh! Smacked him right in the dick.
I have been working on my tribute To Diana, princess of Wales.
Do you mind? Do you mind? It just drifted over there, bro.
Um, I've been working on it for 4 years.
It was intended to be performed, Of course, in 2007, which would have, in fact, been The 10-year anniversary of her untimely and tragic death.
Um- Why didn't you do it then? I just didn't have my shit together.
Hello, boys and girls.
My name is deputy Frank Rizzo.
I'm here to talk to you about some of the things that I do And the Reno sheriff's department does To make the town of Reno very safe.
Well, the first thing I do when I get up is I clean my gun.
Guns are very important.
Never be afraid of a gun.
Guns often solve problems that words can't.
So remember that.
Does anyone know what a sting operation is? OK.
It's like a secret mission in a video game, OK? And in order to catch who I'm going after, which is a dirtbag, I need to look like a dirtbag.
So what I'll do is I'll put on some dirty clothes.
Depending on how deep undercover I go, I'll put on some AIDS scabs all over my arms and neck.
And depending on what type of suspect I'm after, I'll put on a cock ring, Or-Does anyone- Or a penis ring? God damn hippies sheriff's department! OK.
Jesus Christ! Man: what? You're back! Yay.
No, I'm not talking to you.
I'm yelling at you.
I'm not talking to you, Jesus Christ.
I'm yelling at you.
Jesus Christ! It is 3:15.
Man: what? It is 3:15 AM.
OK, but we're still celebrating.
We turned it down.
We asked you to stop celebrating 21/2 hours ago! Can I tell you guys what's going on here really? Yeah.
Benny, the guy that called, he's just upset Because he's my understudy and he's always wanted this part.
He's just a jealous little guy.
He's upset, like everybody else in this hotel is upset.
Like every other normal citizen.
They paid $35 for a room, and they do not want to be listening To Allman brothers at 3:15 AM.
I figured those chords out by the way.
Oh, we do not want to hear the chords to the Allman brothers.
Are you sure? I don't want want to have to pull out my pistol.
Are you sure? Really? 'Cause I could- It's G C D.
It's always.
Do not play any instruments.
Woman: I want to hear the chords! If we could arrest you right now, If I didn't have to go to a judge And get a warrant by probable cause- You would be doing- Oh, you would be doing- How many stations further? Well, you can't.
But you don't have a warrant.
And you can't search.
So am I right or am I wrong? Woman: so it was really nice seeing you guys again.
Ooh! Son of a bitch.
God damn this guy's pushing all my buttons Psst! Hey! Guys, come here.
Are you gonna bust the party up? We can't.
We don't have anything on him.
Yeah.
We asked him to turn it down, But that's really all we can legally do.
We can't arrest him for noise disturbance.
Unless he has, actually, possession of it.
We can smell it, but we can't see it.
I might know where that is.
His stuff? You tell us where his weed is, you know who's gonna be playing Jesus tomorrow at 10 AM? Benny is.
Benny is gonna be playing Jesus.
Benny is.
Benny, I'm sorry I was mean to you, man.
Give me a kiss, bro.
Get over here.
Give me a kiss.
That's my man.
His pot's in the grail.
Man: you fucking asshole! What?! Dangle: pot is in the grail.
You have the right to remain silent.
Man: you fucking piece of shit.
Oh, my god, man.
My dad is gonna fucking kill me.
Dangle: are you OK, Terry? Terry? What's the matter, buddy? Terry? Terry? Use your words.
Use your words.
I was murdered.
You were murdered.
OK.
You obviously weren't murdered Because you're alive and you're basically intact.
You weren't murdered, buddy.
You weren't murdered, buddy.
My skate is stolen! OK, your skate is stolen.
It was an alien from the sky.
OK.
It was obviously not an alien from the sky.
Somebody came by- It was a big ship and a alien saying [Gibberish.]
.
And he took my skate.
So he spoke alien talk, and he came and took your skate.
I was playing baseball with my friends.
And an alien ship came down.
And it shined a beam on me.
And they were like, "hey, fag.
And I'm not gay.
Hate crime.
We have an alien hate crime.
I'm not gay.
Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Dangle: just skate around.
Skate it off.
Skate it off.
Skate it off.
Declan: have you got a cell phone? I want to get this for Youtube.
Crystal methamphetamine.
It's a terrible, terrible drug, And it's one that your brain doesn't really recover from.
It basically turns your brain into a sort of a sponge.
If you don't believe it, go to the web and check out facesofmeth dot ul.
Rizzo: usually, blow jobs cost around 40 bucks Or-Or threat of deportation.
There are several methods of interrogation to extract Information that may lead to an arrest.
The femoral artery is located right here.
And what we do sometimes, it's called a bleed-out.
You hit that, either you clip it with a scalpel, Or take your gun.
Do that, and it's gonna just start coming out.
It's just gonna start coming out right through there.
Now, if it's a female suspect, You may want to-You know, You're gonna have to go for the ventricle artery here.
Does anyone know who the ventricle artery is? Very nice.
Once you take care of this situation, Usually you're gonna get the information that you need And we're gonna put the bad guys away.
Whew.
That was a lot of talking.
Ha ha.
Hey, yeah.
A lot to get out.
A lot of info.
Yeah.
We don't usually talk that much.
But, um, it's, um, just- [Sniffs.]
- Right Uh-Oh.
All right.
OK.
Ahem.
So, um, Jim has asked me to be in this princess Diana tribute, And I think we're gonna have a very special treat prepared for everybody.
Ohh.
God.
I'd rather eat A 6-foot-long broken glass dog shit sandwich Than go to that tribute.
OK.
There are leotards involved.
Hey.
You gonna be wearing leotards? I'm gonna be wearing a leotard.
I'll go for you.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'll go for you.
I'll tell you what what? It's gonna be a bit of a camel toe parade.
Ha ha ha! Hey, what is this, "Lawrence of Alabia"? Ha ha ha! That's disgusting.
Look what I found.
Jones: whoa.
In Trudy Wiegel's bedroom.
What, that freak? It's so on.
Let's watch it.
Put that in immediately.
Williams: ah! Oh, my god.
I want to see that.
Trudy getting freaky! Surprise! It's not a sex tape.
It's my will.
Ha ha.
Got you fuckers.
You're not gonna get to see my vag.
Baby Jesus has taken another angel up to heaven today.
I think we all hate Jesus for that, and I think that's OK.
Now, for this next part, if someone could please put this on a loop So it would play over and over again.
And set the monitor on top of the coffin at the funeral, That would be terrific.
[Deep voice.]
hello.
Thank you for coming.
Good day.
It's wonderful to see you again.
Oh, hello there, Carl.
You made it.
Ha ha ha.
Wonderful, wonderful Dangle: is this some kind of death tape? Junior: uh-Huh.
How did we get it? Broke in.
I'm gas lighting her.
Changing the wattage of the light bulbs, make them low.
I know what gas lighting is.
You're trying to make her think she's crazy.
I'm putting left-overs in the fridge of stuff she never ate.
Very good.
Very good Right? So she's like, "Did I-Did I have pop tarts and soup?" Declan: hey, they sell half-again too big phones If you want those to make her think she's shrinking.
Junior: oh! Make her think she's shrinking.
I like the way you think.
You're probably wondering, If I'm not nice to Trudy in this life, What will she do to me in the afterlife? And I do have big plans for haunting.
So just know that if you, you know, fuck with me, Big black guy, if you try and rape my corpse, Then I have some pretty big haunting plans for you.
I'm gonna live inside your fridge.
I'm gonna haunt the fuck out of you for the rest of your life.
I've been working with that bitch for 15 years, And she doesn't know my name.
Jim and I are working on a princess Diana tribute For everybody to see.
Why? That's a good question.
Declan, high-Pitched voice: oh, boo-Hoo! Oh, boo-Hoo! I'm Jack Declan.
I'm so lonely.
Oh, if people could only know inside That I want to be friends, I know they would like me.
[Deep voice.]
shut up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Be a man.
Be a man.
Be a man! [High-Pitched voice.]
ooh, my life's so hard.
Oh, nobody likes me.
Everybody thinks I'm so scary.
[Deep voice.]
of course they do! Just kill yourself.
Just either suck it up and go to the world and face it Or kill yourself because there is no in between.
Uh! Uh! Pull it together.
Fear nothing.
[Toilet flushes.]
Hey.
Hey, man.
How you doing? What's up, guys? Hey, I'm OK.
How about you? Yeah? I'm great.
Uh-Huh.
I'm good, doing good.
Hey.
Everything's OK over here, too.
Yeah.
Hmm, awesome.
How you doing, man? I'm good.
How are you doing? Like I said, everything's OK over here.
How about you, Rizzo? You OK? I'm great, man.
You OK? Yeah.
I am.
Sometimes I worry about you.
No, no.
No.
Don't be.
I feel great.
OK.
If you ever need to talk Right back at you.
If you need to talk about anything.
Hey, I'm gonna get out of here.
Great talking to you.
Jones: OK.
Great talking to you, too, man.
Declan: you think they don't know? They know! Everyone can see through you-Your weakness.
God damn it! Pull it together! Pull it together! Pull it together! Great.
You're coming to the princess Diana tribute, right? That's, uh Travis, you know, I think you heard me.
Oh, the Diana tribute Yeah, yeah.
The show thing.
'Cause I got the little mini-auditorium there and stuff, And I got a smoke machine.
Yeah.
When was that again? It's, uh, it's tonight, tonight at 7:00.
Ooh! So I planned that thing.
What did you plan specifically? That thing.
What is it specifically? A dentist thing.
The dentist thing at 7:00? There's no dentist that's open at 7:00- That's interesting- That I know of.
Yeah.
No, 'cause I'm trying to work it into my schedule.
So you made him stay late.
You called the dentist and had him stay late.
OK.
Just bring me a note tomorrow And an X-ray of the tooth and some documentation.
I could probably get an X-ray of the tooth for you by tomorrow.
Great.
Dangle: Rizzo, I can't ask you to not have the- It's a normal thing that happens to a gentleman in the morning, Particularly if he's sleepy.
I can ask you once again to sit closer to the desk.
Thank you.
I can see your morning erect- Junior: I just went to check on that Jesus guy in cell 3.
He is gone.
The cell's still locked, prison clothes laid out on the bed With nobody in them.
He is not there.
I put him in 3 days ago for the long weekend.
Wiegel: no he's in 6.
Did you say 3? Junior: 3.
No, he's in 6.
[Junior clicks tongue.]
Dangle: oh, that makes more sense.
There was almost a miracle in here.
Jones: yeah yeah.
[Music playing.]
[Dangle singing on recording.]
â I guess the whole world â à forgot to thank you â à for all the great things that you did â à and you'll never know how mad it made me â à the day that I heard that you got killed â à I guess you just touched something inside me â à the same way you touched those guys with AIDS â à and that's why I wrote this song about you â à this is the song for you I made â à you'll never know you are a candle â Good-Ooh! Oh, god! Oh! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, fuck.
I can't breathe.
Gary, get up front.
We fucked this up, man.
I fucking landed on my tailbone.
Ow! MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- Of course, there will be a eulogy Read by none other than my better half, Jim Dangle.
"It was no secret "That Trudy and I were somewhat of an item.
"Sure, I acted as though I couldn't stand her, "Even joked at times how I wished she were dead.
"In fact, we were so in love "That Trudy has made arrangements for us to be buried "Not side by side - Because that would be very expensive "To get two plots- But in the same grave right on top of one another.
"