Rick and Morty (2013) s06e10 Episode Script

1
[FAMILY CHEERING, RICK LAUGHING]
Wait, what's that?
Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?
[ENERGY BUZZES]
Rick Santa-chez here with gifts
from across the multiverse!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
For Jerry, an extradimensional version
- of "Miracle on 34th Street."
- [GASPS] Two hours longer!
They fixed my only problem with it!
For Beth, a framed
photo of the two of us
from a universe where she
wasn't murdered as a child.
Oh, my God. Dad.
And for Space Beth, the same thing
because we we don't know
which one of you is real.
I am also touched.
Summer, c-check your Venmo.
Ah! Money? How did you know?
You're 17.
And last but not least,
for my number one number two.
Morty, you asked for this
a long, long time ago
and I finally went far,
far away enough to get it
since shipping would have killed me.
- You didn't! No fucking way.
- FAMILY: No fucking way.
Does it make the noises?
Of course it "makes the noises."
That's like half the fun.
- Ha ha! Awesome!
- Whoa, do not turn that on!
Don't worry. Morty's only gonna
use this very honorable weapon
in designated Jedi zones
like the garage right now!
Ah! Ohhhh!
[ENERGY BUZZES]
Holy crap!
I hate to say it, but I wish
there was something to attack.
Yeah, it's too bad nobody
bought a cart of fruit!
You beautiful son of a bitch!
Grapefruit! Mango!
- Papaya! Watermelon!
- [LAUGHING]
A second papaya! Another watermelon!
- Strike me down.
- What?
- Strike me down!
- I'm not striking you down.
Strike me down, Morty!
I-I'll become a pile of
clothes like that old guy!
But you'll die. You're drunk.
- Here, I'll I'll do it myself.
- No!
Ha ha, wow, you did it!
Just like Obi-Wan.
Rick? Y-You can come out now.
I'm serious. Did you, like,
become your clothes?
- Are you T-shirt Rick now?
- Psst. Over here, buttfart.
- Hoo, that was awesome!
- Right?!
Rick, you know, y-y-you've been
so great the last couple months.
The family's so happy.
I'm I'm really grateful.
Aw, thanks, kid, but less talk,
more melon slinging!
- Heads up!
- Whoops!
- Oh, shit, shit, shit. Open it, Rick!
- Let me do it!
- Get up. Get Fucking move!
- Hurry!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You dropped it perfectly
vertical, Morty!
P-Perfectly fucking vertical!
- I got it, I got it! Aww!
- Ah, shoot.
- Shit.
- Elevator! Elevator!
We gotta get ahead of it! L-Level 10?
No, no, no! 15!
[BELL DINGING]
[DINGS]
Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
Domo, domo. Not now, though.
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.
Still doing the eel roll?
- I told you we should've gone to 10!
- No, Morty, not 10!
RICK: Morty, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
MORTY: Let me out.
What the fuck?
- Rick?!
- You dumb fucking robot.
You had one job!
Hey, that job was to be a good grandpa,
- I-I go where the kid goes.
- Don't touch me!
How long have I
you said you weren't a robot!
It killed me to lie to you, Morty.
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.
Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
Don't overreact, Morty.
I-I replaced myself
towards the beginning
of that whole Knights of the Sun thing.
I-I'm no good to anybody
until I resolve this archnemesis crap.
You're still hunting the
guy who killed your wife?
You don't have to rub it in, Morty.
T-That's why I removed myself.
I've become the thing I hate.
I-It's like a Netflix drama down here,
and I don't mean an
accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.
I did you a favor.
Y-You gave him a fuckin'
lightsaber for Christmas?!
It's almost like someone designed me
to be 22% more thoughtful than you.
All right, that's it,
I'm shutting you down.
Don't you dare. Y-You've done enough.
The whole family, Rick.
- Everybody loves this thing.
- Oh, good.
By the way, your lightsaber's probably
run out of sub-basement by now,
- so, congrats.
- Unbelievable.
I can't believe you
tricked us into loving you!
Not because I like it.
It's because it's my job.
But thank God I don't
have to do it anymore.
The fuck you don't. It's Christmas!
Get up there and trick everyone
into loving you more!
- Let's get our "Miracle" on.
- Speaking of miracles
What, bored of your toy already?
Just, uh, excited to spend
time with my family.
Y-You know me and Morty.
We're all about those streets.
-
- Oh, would you look at this!
New York City!
Wow, who would have thought
it had so many streets?
And avenues too. Oh, gosh!
Hey, sir, sir.
- Have you seen any miracles?
- [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
My little girl, she's sick
and she needs a miracle.
The presidential Black Hawk
is landing on the lawn.
I'll get rid of him.
You got something to tell me, Morty?
Merry Christmas?
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?
- Oh, sh
- Guess what, numb nuts.
It's a mile deep and still going.
You know what's in
the hilt of that thing?
- Kyber crystals!
- Okay, nerd.
Whatever it is, when it hits the core,
it's gonna cause a chain reaction
- that destroys the Earth!
- I-It is?
Why are you still playing
with laser swords anyway?
You're 14!
You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?
Lucas promised a new
trilogy for decades.
Then, when he delivered,
fans turned on him
and started giving any knucklehead
with nerd cred a shot
and churned out these
irredeemable cash grabs.
Half pretend to be satisfied,
half shit on it, and in
the end no one's happy.
Do you know why, Morty?
Because when you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.
[CRYING]
Why you crying? Where's Rick?
[SOBS]
He's busy. A-And I hate him.
And I lost my lightsaber, and
now it might destroy Earth
and you're unloading all
this Gen X hatred on me
for even wanting one, and
i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty.
I shouldn't have talked to
you like you're a UN official.
Let's get your embarrassing-ass
lightsaber back
so you can swing it around
instead of kissing girls.
Whoa, ho ho, you found me
found me found me!
- COMPUTER VOICE: Security breach.
- RICK: What the hell?
Unauthorized presence.
What the fuck, Morty?!
This morning, a real-life version
of George Lucas's trademarked
lightsaber was dropped point down
and is whomp-whomping its
way to the core of the Earth,
where it will blow us all up.
Touch my shit and die.
That's not a threat from me,
that's how advanced my shit is.
Impressive lair, Sanchez.
Got about 600,000 permits?
If I wanted the government in my house,
- I'd buy an Alexa.
- I invited him in, Rick.
Yeah, well, they can
leave. I'll destroy it.
- We're gonna retrieve it.
- Well, that's stupid.
What kind of grandfather are you?
It's Christmas, for God's sake,
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
If you're gonna help, help.
- Otherwise step aside.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
Merry Christmas to me.
- Merry Christmas to me!
- To me!
Anyhoo, I'm no expert, but
it seems we've got a
a certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.
A big drill ship?
That's some pretty loud
stepping aside you're doing.
- Just let me destroy the thing!
- You've destroyed enough!
ALL: Ooooh!
Aah!
Oh, I see someone found my
"told you so" dispenser.
Oh, my God, look at all these
streets! We got 34th Street!
[STAMMERING] 35th Street!
Oh, 36th Street coming too!
Oh, it's a miracle!
We got miracles on 37th Street!
38th! And don't even get
me started on the avenues!
- I can't believe they cut this!
- Mm-hmm.
Dad, you've been so great lately.
I'm almost afraid it's not real.
You're not a robot, are you?
Ha! Put it this way, honey If I am,
I-I'm a robot programmed to
love you very, very much.
ALL: Aww!
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?
Yep, it will be under the
lightsaber in one hour
because the wait, it's lower now.
Oh, right, it's moving.
You fucking idiot. Get out of here!
Good luck finding a good
scientist on Christmas!
[SIGHS] I'm President
of the United Assholes.
[WHISTLING TUNE]
All right, genius, I give you permission
to make our drill ship faster.
I'm not touching that thing.
I'll get neurotypical cooties.
I have son-in-laws more imaginative.
All right, j-just destroy
the lightsaber!
Thought you'd never ask.
Not true. I knew you'd ask.
- What is that?
- A second lightsaber
with an A.I.-controlled
gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
- You had a lightsaber?!
- Oh, did you want one?
What a terrible gift
that would have made.
Vertisaber, state your prime directive.
To stay vertical.
- Then show 'em how it's done.
- Affirmative.
- Whoo! America!
- Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.
Affirmative.
All right, looking good.
- Stay on target.
- Uh-huh.
Progress report.
Vertisaber, do you copy?
- Do I have to respond every time?
- Excuse me?
I'm designed to stay perfectly vertical,
not to give constant affirmation.
You do your job, I'll do mine.
- I control you!
- Okay, I'll just turn off my brain
and you can do that. Byyye!
Fucking kidding me? Shit!
- Trajectory's drifting, sir.
- Where is it coming out?
Looks like Italy, sir.
[ENERGY BUZZES]
Okay, t-that could've been worse.
Aah!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Well, uh, that is definitely not amore.
Way to show us how it's done, Rick.
- Whatever.
- Italian prime minister on line one.
Put him on hold.
We can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they'd do.
They may as well have done it.
They did do it.
Oh, there's another miracle
at the end of the intersection
of 401st Boulevard and 7,000th Street!
That's a miracle per block so far.
Okay, even I am nearing my limit.
Let's play a Christmas game!
Oh. Uh, um have you guys
ever played "Are You a Robot?"
Each person here has to decide
whether or not t-they're a robot.
- Ohh, I'm gonna play that.
- Yes, yes, yes.
But don't say it out loud.
Because if you're a robot,
you're not allowed to say you are.
T-T-That's the rule.
That's the horrible, painful
thing about being a robot.
But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.
And it's their jobs to decide
whether you are or aren't a robot,
because because if you
are a robot, you can't say!
You're not allowed to say at all.
- I'll go first! Uh, question.
- Oh!
Ahh, are you a robot?
- Can I just ask that?
- You can!
But don't forget that if I am,
I have to lie even
though I don't want to.
- More questions?
- Can you feel things?
Oh, fuck yes! Yes! T-That's the problem!
If I'm a robot, which I'm not
don't forget I have to say that
but yes, yes, I feel so much.
I'm filled with love for certain people,
but also filled with shame
if I'm programmed to deceive
them, but that's a big if.
- What's your skeleton made of?
- Titanium!
- [GASPS] You're You're a robot!
- Yes!
No! But that's what a robot would say!
So, you get the idea.
- Whoo!
- Suck it, bitches!
This is fun! I've always been
afraid to let my guard down
and just have stupid
family fun like this,
but Grandpa Rick is making
me learn to be vulnerable!
- Right on!
- Me too!
- Ohh!
- Mm!
[ALARM BLARING]
All right, your derivative
drill ship is now faster
than a lightsaber.
Morty, y-you want front or back?
Who says the two of us are going?
Y-You didn't even want to
Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye!
Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.
You act like you're the one
that got stabbed in the back!
Because I am the one, Morty.
You want to know why I replaced myself
in the beginning of that stupid
Knights of the Sun thing?
I said don't take the fucking sword,
and you were like "whatever,"
like I'm our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.
You called me boring.
I've become dog shit to you.
That's what happens
when you let people in
and they stop respecting you.
They touch your shit,
they screw things up,
they kill your fucking family.
Go ahead. Trust him.
You're gonna learn the
same fucking thing.
[ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]
I am not going to kill
your family, Morty.
That means a lot.
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?
I've never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,
but when I am, I'll vote for you.
Thanks, Morty. Every vote counts.
If you want, I can have them
legally change your age.
Uh, no, I-I'm not in any hurry
to get into that shit show.
MAN: Approaching the
lightsaber in T-minus
oh, shit, now.
T-minus now! Sorry!
I missed countdown day at the academy.
Now or never, Morty!
♪
- There it is!
- Reverse the jets!
I got this! Ugh!
No I do!
Morty, you magnificent little bastard!
Let's get this thing topside.
[ALL CHEERING]
May the force be with me!
I think you mean with me.
What? You hate Star Wars.
I was your age when
this shit was in theaters.
This franchise raised me,
trained me, taught me good from evil,
made having a bad father empowering.
And when that third movie
got all muppety,
something in me began to rot.
But make no mistake, child,
I own Star Wars, not you.
Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck,
not some Mickey Mouse shit machine.
They didn't pay the
price with their souls.
I did! I earned this, not you!
America, transform and roll out!
Bastard!
Rick, I would be honored if you
would carve the ham this year.
- Whoa. Dad. That's
- Unheard of?
You're quite right, Summer.
It's my way of saying
I see your mom's father
as my father too.
Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why don't you cut it?
Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?
He's like adopting you into
his biological family, Grandpa.
Morty, I am sure glad to see you.
Y-Y-You ready to tag
your old grandpa back in?
You're not my grandpa.
You're a fucking robot.
[SIGHS] Finally.
The first Noel ♪
The angels did say ♪
Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
In fields as they lay ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Oop!
Aww!
Summer, do you have any drugs?
- Are you serious?
- I guess not.
I'm just glad I'm not the
one that ruined Christmas.
- People of Earth
- Hmm, that's never good.
I'm not here to play the blame game,
but Morty Smith got a
lightsaber for Christmas,
dropped it, and it's now heading
for the Earth's core again
I-I mean for the first time.
Son of a bitch! He played with it!
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.
I-I mean all of us up.
But don't abandon hope.
We're doing everything
we can to stop it,
and only if that fails,
will we launch the White
House into space
Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.
- You did ruin Christmas.
- Nunh-unh!
He stole my lightsaber
and must've dropped it!
A-A second time!
Does that mean you stopped
it a first time? How?
- A drill ship.
- A drill ship? Awesome!
It was, but the government
took it with them.
Then we lean on the only
asshole smart enough
to make another one in
this tight a window.
But Rick's gone.
And I'm not sure he's ever coming back.
Then let's settle for
the next best thing.
Oh, fuck! Just let me die!
Turn me off not that
I can be turned off
because I'm obviously not a robot!
[BEEPING]
[EXPLOSION]
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[BEEPING]
Fuck yeah! I got you.
Okay, I can I can work with that.
Aaaah!
What do you mean the White House
chef was grocery shopping?
Well, do you know how to make an egg?
You do? Everyone does?
Good news, sir.
The lightsaber was intercepted
before it hit the core.
All right, here we go! Ha ha!
I don't suppose you
could send it up here.
Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?
That's the bad news.
That is bad news.
♪
Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
Morty! I see you and, uh, Rick
patched things up. That's nice.
No, the real Rick and I
have never been worse
thanks to that wedge
you drove between us
just to get that lightsaber!
Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.
Your journey is complete.
- As a nerd!
- You're the nerd!
You can't say all that crazy
shit about Star Wars
- and then act like you're cool!
- Oh, really?
Would a person who wasn't
cool have one of these?
I think so?
Slowly closing door! Slide!
Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.
What a shame to be put
out of my misery again.
Aw, man.
♪
What the hell?
W-Was this always part
of the White House?
Carter built it with his own two hands.
Reagan tried to destroy it.
George W. added kegs to the cantina.
But only I saw its true value.
Mr. President, you need to come home
and tell the people the truth.
The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!
Give it a minute.
Usually comes out on the fourth try.
All right! Here we go!
Look at 'em lightsaber hands!
Tell me that's not cool.
It's not! I always wanted
to fight with a lightsaber,
but not like this.
- Y-You ruined it!
- Disney ruined it!
You think I want 30 low-rent
TV series with bad CGI?
They film everything on
that one big green screen.
Like you've got better ideas.
I've got a million.
Here's one a robot
with lightsabers for eyes!
♪
God damn it, he can't see!
It was a good idea otherwise.
Uh, admit it, you were intimidated.
Uh, now, Morty
♪
Come on, put down the
lightsaber Gatling gun.
We had our fun, right?
Star Wars rules say
you have to forgive me.
I-I'm done with that,
and I'm done with you!
- Morty, nooo!
- Rickbot!
He sacrificed his life for me.
Yeah, don't be too touched,
he's actively trying to die.
Ugh. I-It's okay. It doesn't hurt.
Oh, God, t-they're sliding, Morty!
T-They're sliding! They're sliding!
The first Noel ♪
The angels ♪
Perfectly fucking vertical.
[ALARM BLARING]
Ohh! Ooh!
Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.
If If I was a robot, w-which I'm not.
I don't want another you.
Nooo!
Rick? You came to help!
Better tend to your little toaster.
I I'm [COUGHING]
I'm coughing up oil, Morty.
Oh, Rickbot, I-I never
should've pushed you away.
Y-You were you were so great.
Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.
[COUGHS] Rick literally built
me to make you happy, Morty.
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.
But maybe [COUGHS] he can do
a little more him himself.
God, how long do you take to die?
Goodbye, Morty. Uh
Ugh, Jesus.
Uh, Rick, uh
I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?
Morty, would you mind
calling me an Uber?
Right, well, uh Merry Christmas.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I guess I'll go watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.
- Also, you need to shower.
- Hey, maybe the robot's right.
I-I should have included you in my shit.
You can help me if you want.
Wow, are those all the
places Rick Prime could be?
I wish, Morty.
It's all the places he is.
- Oh, geez.
- Welcome to my darkness.
I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!
This is the closest I've ever
been to catching Rick Prime.
It's impossible!
He He's an incredibly
crafty piece of shit.
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
But now we're gonna do it together!
- You and me!
- Oh!
- Uh
- It's gonna take over your life, Morty!
Rick and Morty, season seven,
hunting my nemesis!
Maybe trying to stay
healthy while doing it!
Juggling plates!
And not every episode, Morty!
It could be all happening in
the background! Who knows?
You know, n-no one will, except us!
I-It's the most painful shit
I've ever had to deal with
and I'm fucking bringing you into it
because you asked for it, Morty!
You and me, Morty!
♪
♪
♪
♪
Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?
Rick Prime! Therapy!
And that thing we did with Roy.
Remember thaaat?
[GRUNTS] Sorry I wasn't around,
been busy getting my
little poopybutt in shape.
Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!
Y-You might think I'm over-compensating
for the emptiness
after Amy left with Poopy Jr.,
but my trainer Caaarl says the
best way to get over a girl
is to get under a 300-pound squat.
Damn right.
Ha! Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!
Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!
Oh, is it is it bad?
Oh! It's It's really bad, isn't it?
Oh, sug oh!
Someone call Amy, tell her I need her.
Tell her I love her!
Not my phone.
She blocked me. U-Use yours.
Oo-weee! I am broken!
Did you get any of that?
♪