The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e10 Episode Script
Putting the Gay Back in Litigation
Morning, mary lou.
Hello, phil.
Good morning, beverly.
Aren't we happy.
Yeah, i was up till Fucking my brains out.
Eww! Nobody wants To hear that, phil.
I do.
Hey, where's brian? What is it, Some gay holiday? Gay groundhog day? I'm right here.
Oh, hello.
You know, On my way into work I figured out what The faggiest car You could drive is.
A rose parade float.
I drive a saturn.
I stand corrected.
Uh, shouldn't you Be working On the monologue, Phil? This is The monologue.
You know how you can Tell you're gay? It's when you Lean over and You see 4 balls.
You know how else You can tell you're gay? Gay people makes really Dramatic exits.
Really? Yeah.
A walk to the door Uh-huh.
A graceful pivot One last look Of contempt And slam! [Laughing.]
You're a real jerk.
Nice slam! Ed begley here.
Larry, we are really Gonna miss you.
You're a funny man And a great Environmentalist, Which explains Why you're always Recycling jokes.
Anyway, it's been A great 10 years, And we love you, larry.
Now, hank, if this runs, Am i gonna get paid? And i got bernadette peters, And i have larry miller, One of the olsen twins, Uh, bruno kirby, And later on i'm gonna do One of larry's favorites, Drew barrymore.
Hey, drew barrymore.
Well, larry'll like that.
Won't it be a hoot For the last show? This is a perfect way For me to show larry How much the last 10 years Have meant to me.
No.
Please.
Sweetie, the last show Is packed fuller Than barishnikov's Tights.
But lucky for you, One of bobby berosini's Chimps fell off his bike, So you can have 5 minutes Friday night.
Friday night? No, I can't do it.
It's impossible.
I mean, i'm still Working on it-- Friday or nothing.
Ok.
No problem.
And i got invited To this party At alan rudolph's house.
It's actually William holden's Old place.
I mean, not the place Where he hit his head And died and everything.
It was, actually, Another place.
But-- you know alan rudolph.
He's a-- he's a director? He directed this movie-- He's actually a protégé Of robert altman.
Well, i mean, Not a protégé, exactly She's a good guest, Right? Absolutely.
Really? Absolutely.
Please, Don't ask me again.
She's a good guest, Right? Well, there's no dead spots, That's for sure.
An alan rudolph film.
That's the one where Geraldine chaplin is naked, Which is a little Disturbing.
Look, i know you don't Want to date someone Who's a bad guest.
Well, you remember Jennifer tilly, right? She was a good guest.
Yeah, but not good enough To get serious about.
Right? No.
[Knock on door.]
Artie: what is it? Oh, i'm sorry, but could I please speak to you For a moment, arthur? It's very important.
On august fourth I said i didn't Eat meat, And phil said, "Does that mean Your boyfriend has A tofu cock?" But later that day He said, "I hate going to hawaii "Because i can't tell The native hawaiians From the homosexuals, "Because they're both Wearing the same shirts.
"I tried to do Windsurfing, And accidentally got A blow job.
" Arthur, please! Sorry.
It doesn't even Make sense.
It's just ridiculous, That's all.
I mean, come on.
What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts? Have you been On santa monica Boulevard In the last 10 years? I take sunset.
This is sexual Harassment.
Aw, sexual harassment, My ass.
Calm down, will you? I won't calm down.
It is Sexual harassment, And if he doesn't Cease and desist Immediately, I'm going to sue him And the show.
Hello, larry, It's drew barrymore, And i just wanted to say That the few times I've been on this show, I felt like we had This magical connection, And you are An inspired spirit.
And now you have The chance to fly free, So fly free, Funny man.
And i will miss Going to bed with you Every night.
And i love you, Larry sanders.
Wow.
Ok? Oh, isn't that pretty.
That's pretty.
Ok So, show your tits.
What? Well, you know, Like you did on-- On letterman.
You know[Whistles.]
A little whoop-dee-doodle.
What the fuck Are you talking about? Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
Um, i thought That was, like, Your shtick, you know.
Like i do "hey now.
" You're a pig Come on.
And i feel really sorry For you.
All right.
All right.
Look.
You-- i'm sorry.
I'm sorry-- look, I am sorry.
It's wrong.
I-i-i-- I apologize.
Okay, good.
Thank you.
I feel bad.
Sorry.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Do you want to show A little, uh-- No? A little tuckus? You know, I'm so excited You're gonna be On the show this week.
I know.
Me, too.
What are you gonna Talk about? I don't know.
I haven't really Thought about it.
You haven't Thought about it? It's comin' up In a couple days.
I know.
I thought I'd just wing it.
Wing it? Why, are you worried That i'm not gonna Be good or something? No.
Really? You're gonna be great.
Am i? Yes.
You're always great When you wing it.
Hey, john, will you Excuse us, please? Tell joanie The camel's hilarious.
We gotta talk About brian.
[Whispering.]
Oh, yeah, I hear he's gay! Fuck you.
You gotta cut out These gay jokes.
You're hurting Brian's feelings.
God, artie, He's such a sissy.
Let's look At all this evidence He's compiled on you.
It's thicker than Heidi fleiss' phone book.
Why do you have this? Because brian Gave it to me.
He's getting ready To sue this show, And particularly you, For sexual harassment.
Listen, artie, i've got to Be able to insult people.
It's like, If i don't insult people, I can't get to the good Jokes.
This is my process.
Well, i suggest you try To get to the good jokes Without going Through brian's ass.
Wh-what the hell Am i supposed to do, Censor myself? Not one gay joke.
But, artie-- Not one.
Ooh, it's Goin' down now.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
Brian Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Phil.
Good morning, brian.
And how are we Today? [Sighs.]
[Straining.]
We are great.
Oh, thank god the rains Have stopped, eh? Phil, do you like My outfit? Yes, i do.
Isn't it fetching? Yeah, that's-- That's not the word I'm looking for.
Excuse me.
Huh.
Well i took care Of him, eh? You sure did.
[Door opens.]
What, did you get that At the freddy mercury Estate sale? I knew it.
I knew you couldn't Resist.
What-- what are they Hiring at ups, 'Cause you're sporting A very big package.
Oh, well, thank you For noticing.
Sign here, And the package Is all yours.
I don't think anybody Could help but notice.
But you know what? Unlike you, I'm as straight As they come.
And when i say "straight," I mean guys.
And when i say "come," I mean on my face.
Beverly: what? Eww.
Come on, That was funny.
You are ridiculous.
I am hilarious.
Um God.
Maybe you should go Put on some pants Before larry gets in.
Yeah, that's A good idea.
Oh, he's really Workin' out.
I wish my ass Looked like that.
We all are named In this lawsuit.
Well, couldn't we settle this? Can't we just get him A membership in a gym Or something? I-- i'm afraid not.
Well, i don't get it.
What did he say exactly That upset him so much? Just see pages five Through twelve.
You'll get the message.
"I think my dog is gay Because his penis Tastes bitter.
" [Chuckles.]
That's my joke.
He's a fucking asshole.
Absolutely.
[Door opens.]
You want to see me? Artie: yes.
Brian has filed a lawsuit Against the larry sanders show For sexual harassment.
You've got top billing! Plus, you stole My gay dog joke.
What is that about? Holy shit.
This is crazy.
God damn you.
Didn't i tell you To shut the fuck up? Didn't i? Did you see What he was wearing? This is entrapment! If this gets out, all anyone Is gonna remember about the show Is this lawsuit bullshit.
Oh, and 10 years Of laughter.
All right, Excuse me.
I-- artie, look, I am trying to Be creative here, And there is something Called artistic license That i don't think brian Is comprehending here.
When this show ends, You want to work again, Don't you? Somewhere? Yeah.
You know Who runs this town? The jews.
No.
The gay jews.
Hank, whispering: action! Hi, larry, Bruno kirby here.
Larry, you're the greatest.
I wish you were Doing the show For the next 10 years.
We're all Gonna miss you, buddy.
Uh, let's just do another.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
But-- but was was wrong With that one? Well, to me, personally, It just didn't feel-- Uh, this is Constructive, by the way, 'Cause you-- You know, you're great.
It didn't feelSincere.
I would just-- I would make it bigger.
Bigger? Mm-hmm.
Like what bigger? Like-- like-- Let's do another.
Like fucking kabuki Theatre bigger or? AndAction.
Larry, congratulations.
It's been a great honor-- Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
I don't-- What are you doing? Well, what the fuck Are you doing? I'm doing bigger.
You said bigger.
I'm doing bigger.
Let me see If i can help you.
See, um Here's the deal.
[Sighs.]
oh Larry is ending The show, So you're talking To larry And you feel sad.
I don't want To give you A line reading, But it's In this area Okay? So-- Have you ever lost, um-- Have you ever lost Somebody close? Mom? Dad? I would tap into some of that.
Hank, let me tell you something About bruno kirby, okay? Bruno kirby doesn't do PshhhhhSad.
And bruno kirby Doesn't take direction From some talk show Sidekick.
Now you've got Something.
Bring that-- I was in the godfather, For god's sake.
I don't think so.
I was in the fucking godfather: part ii, You moron.
Oh, well, see i only-- I only saw the third one, The good one.
Um, she got mad At the producer, And then she threw Her goddess in-- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
I just-- Don't let me interrupt.
I just came in To get aShrimp.
We're just going over What the first story's Gonna be.
Oh.
Yeah, the, um-- Well, the first story Is gonna be, i thought, The one about Where i grew up In connecticut.
The tv-- Oh, ok.
Ok.
Uh, in higganum, Which is next to haddam [Laughs.]
And then haddam is Next to saybrook, And then that's Next to deep river.
There was a street nearby Called beaver meadow Uh, and that was actually Next to beaver hill.
Mary lou: mm-hmm.
And, uhWell, Beaver meadow Wasn't really A meadow.
It was a forest, And it had some Very strange Animal name.
Uh, i can't remember The name of it-- Hey, uh, I got a thought.
Cockaponset.
Pardon me? What? What was cockaponset? The name of the forest.
Oh, that's hilarious.
You know, if i may-- And i don't want To interrupt-- But why don't you say-- You should pause At beaver meadow, And then what you do Is, uh-- And i'll make some joke About beaver meadow On the show, And then what you can Do is say something About cockaponset.
I'll make some joke About that.
It'll be Hilarious.
Listen to this shit.
Brian's claiming Pain and suffering Due to a hostile Work environment.
"Hostile work environment.
" Fuckin' idiot! I have a good Louis farrakhan joke.
[Sighs.]
no, No louis farrakhan jokes.
Why? Because louis farrakhan Is black, And then beverly Will sue me because Louis farrakhan is black.
No, she won't.
Yeah, she will.
Come on, seriously.
Louis farrakhan made A speech in-- God fucking damn it.
Let's put that A little sooner.
Okay.
And then You should tell The psychic story.
That psychic story.
She's got a hilarious-- Oh, really? Illeana: yeah.
I went to This hollywood Baby shower, And there was A psychic there, And i told her I was gonna be Doing a movie With Kevin costner And the psychic said, "Oh, kevin costner's Gonna hit on you.
" And i said, "hey, I need a psychic For that?" [Mary lou laughs.]
Just tightening it up Just a little bit.
I will, i will.
If i may, seriously.
Okay, um Oh, shit.
So-- What else? Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Well, well, well.
What a hot crowd.
I read that the National parks service Spent $9 million To build A public outhouse In montana.
Did you see that, hank? Sounds like A lot of money, But honestly, You should see The chandelier.
[Minimal laughter.]
Wow! A little Clear-air turbulence Right there.
[Audience laughs.]
Every day-- This is so odd to me-- The average american Spends 4 1/2 hours Watching television, And only 17 minutes reading.
How can it take 17 minutes To read a tv guide? [Minimal laughter.]
Wow.
Larry's monologue Really sucks tonight.
Oh, i'm sorry.
No problem.
Let's see how The interviews go.
Hitting new levels Of self-loathing, larry.
Cheers, motherfucker.
They just released A list-- I don't know If you saw this, hank.
I don't know If anyone saw this.
I actually don't know Is anyone is still watching.
Uh, brian, don't you think You're taking this thing A little too far? Why does larry Have to suffer? Listen to that mess! I can't believe you.
I thought you'd Understand best of all Because you're A black woman and all.
Well, i was born black.
What? What does that mean? Well, you chose To be gay.
I what? You know, maybe you should Come to church with me On sunday.
No, really.
Maybe that'll-- That'll work out Your problem.
Fifty-two minutes left.
That is the good news.
But we have a great show.
We have illeana douglas, And, uh, a lot Of surprises.
Don't go by this.
We'll be right back.
Larry, on tv: No flipping.
No flipping.
Oh, it's you.
Ah, it's mr.
Litigious.
I'll just go, I guess.
No, no, no.
No.
Come in.
Come in and sit down.
You can watch.
Shame about Your monologue.
Guess what.
I just Put a lawyer on retainer.
Five fucking grand For one phone call.
Thank you.
That isn't why i did it, You know.
It isn't.
Um, look.
Phil, maybe I overreacted.
No, no, no, no.
I'm the asshole.
[Sighs.]
Maybe so But I-- i wore that outfit Just to provoke you.
You know that i, um-- I just bought it That morning.
Well, clearly, You were trying To make a point.
But i went too far.
No, no, no, no.
I did.
I did.
No, my problem Is that i gotta learn When to keep My fucking mouth shut.
Yeah.
You want some jäger? Sure, i'll have A sip.
You've obviously had a bit.
We're back.
And before we bring out My first guest, Illeana douglas, Hank, i see that You have something You want to show The audience? Yes, i do.
And it's a little film I put together Over the past Few months Of some special Friends of yours.
Oh, wow.
And you deserve it, My friend.
It's just my way Of showing you How much i love you And i respect you And i will miss you.
Oh I'm touched.
Good.
Ok.
Roll it.
[Audience applauds.]
Tv monitor: hi, larry, Bruno kirby here.
Larry, you're the greatest.
I wish you were Doing the show For the next 10 years.
We're all gonna miss you.
[Audience applauds.]
Hey, how you feeling? It's a very, very, Very, very, very Hot crowd.
Do not go by The monologue, I'm telling you.
There's a whole group there From the special olympics, And they are really Gonna be there for you.
They're very nice people.
You can feel it out there.
There's a certain energy.
You're gonna just be great.
So we're gonna start With the psychic thing? Do we still have that-- Yes.
And then, At the beaver meadow, Don't forget to pause I won't.
I won't.
At beaver meadow.
Ok, and then you'll go Right into the cannon thing? Then the psychic? Right.
Uh-huh.
The cannon-- the psychic-- We do the psych-- Yeah, i got it.
I got it.
The psychic-- And the pause.
Psychic, Beaver meadow, Cannon.
Ok, so, good.
Psychic, Beaver meadow, Cannon.
I can't tell you.
Just, uh, have fun.
Go out there And have fun.
Ok? All right.
Ok You look great.
Thank you.
It's-- i'm Gonna be fine.
Tv monitor: Ed begley here.
Larry, we are really Gonna miss you.
You're a funny man And a great environmentalist, Which explains Why you're always Recycling jokes.
[Audience chuckles.]
Anyway, it's been A great 10 years, And we love you, larry.
[Applause.]
That was-- that was-- That was so touching.
Thank you.
You didn't even see it.
Yes, i did.
I loved it.
I just Absolutely loved it.
You got up And you walked away.
No, i didn't.
My first guest tonight Is a terrific actress.
I'm a gigantic fan.
You probably know her From many of her movies, Including to die for And cape fear, Which, by the way-- cape fear is the nickname For me in the bedroom.
It's a superhero i play.
I come out in a cape And have fear Written all over One specific part Of my body.
Please welcome Illeana douglas.
Yeah! [Applause, Band playing.]
Hi.
You look fantastic, To begin with.
Thank you.
Absolutely fantastic.
Have you been doing-- You do a lot of movies.
Now, tell me about-- You did-- you worked With kevin costner Recently, And something about a I haven't worked With him yet.
I see.
I was at this Hollywood baby shower, Yes.
And there was A psychic there.
Uh-huh.
And i told him I was gonna be Doing a movie With kevin costner.
And the psychic Said to me, "Kevin costner's Gonna hit on you.
" And, uh-- and so I said to him, "Well, you know, I don't think I need a psychic To tell me that.
" [Audience laughs, Applauds.]
Audience member: whoo! That is funny.
Those jokes really hurt you.
Yeah.
Yeah, they really, Really hurt, phil.
They're just jokes To you But to me, They're not, ok? Every time you say Something like that To me, You become every bully That i ever knew.
I know i'm thin-skinned.
I know it.
I know that i have To toughen up, ButPlease.
Yeah.
You know? Yeah, i know.
I mean, you're not The only one in pain.
I mean, try working For an asshole Who throws out 95% Of your jokes, you know, Every day.
You know, You just put yourself On the chopping block Every fuckin' time-- I know.
And you gotta be Funny funny funny Funny all the time, And it's, you know.
And just, I never realized The kind of pressure That i was under.
And the fact remains That i'm gonna be Out of a job In 3 weeks And i'm gonna be blackballed By the gay jews.
I am so sorry.
[Sobbing.]
It's-- it's all right.
It's all right.
We're so fucked up, eh? [Sobbing.]
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had this street there Called beaver hill.
Ah, was-- was there An all-girls school There, by any chance? Actually, it was Right near beaver meadow.
How did it get the name Beaver meadow, If i may ask? Um, i don't know.
It had nothing to do With me.
I can tell you that.
[Laughter.]
[Applause.]
I cannot tell you How good you did tonight.
Um I feel very awkward About something.
Oh, you shouldn't.
You were so fantastic.
Really.
Everything you did Was totally right.
Really.
Yeah.
Ok, i, um-- I like you a lot, AndI get the feeling That if i wasn't A good guest tonight, That you wouldn't Like me anymore.
That is not true.
Really? You spent more time Working on my stupid Than you have On our whole Relationship.
And you know What i think? I think it's More important to you Whether or not I'm a good guest On your show.
You know [Clears throat.]
I'm a fuckin' Talk show host, ok? I'm all fucked up.
But it's over In a couple weeks, So, you know You just gotta Give me a chance.
Please? I'm sorry.
It was important.
But you don't have To do it again.
Well, why? Didn't you think I was any good? I thought you were Really good.
Really good.
I paused at The beaver meadow thing.
The beaver meadow thing killed.
Like you told me.
And then i-- i did The cannon joke.
The cannon joke? Did you hear The audience? Yeah.
Wait'll you see the tape.
I know It was your joke, But i thought I did it-- If i may say, i killed On the pastry thing, Didn't i? You think-- Was i all right? I thought You were great.
Mmm.
Really? Yeah.
Mmm.
Maybe he can't handle The emotion on the tape.
Just fuck these tapes.
You gotta talk To your boy brian And get him to stop This lawsuit.
What-- what lawsuit? He's charging phil With sexual harassment, For god's sake.
[Artie coughs.]
Looks like they settled Out of court.
Oh, by the way, Drew barrymore's lawyer Just called me.
What's that about?
Hello, phil.
Good morning, beverly.
Aren't we happy.
Yeah, i was up till Fucking my brains out.
Eww! Nobody wants To hear that, phil.
I do.
Hey, where's brian? What is it, Some gay holiday? Gay groundhog day? I'm right here.
Oh, hello.
You know, On my way into work I figured out what The faggiest car You could drive is.
A rose parade float.
I drive a saturn.
I stand corrected.
Uh, shouldn't you Be working On the monologue, Phil? This is The monologue.
You know how you can Tell you're gay? It's when you Lean over and You see 4 balls.
You know how else You can tell you're gay? Gay people makes really Dramatic exits.
Really? Yeah.
A walk to the door Uh-huh.
A graceful pivot One last look Of contempt And slam! [Laughing.]
You're a real jerk.
Nice slam! Ed begley here.
Larry, we are really Gonna miss you.
You're a funny man And a great Environmentalist, Which explains Why you're always Recycling jokes.
Anyway, it's been A great 10 years, And we love you, larry.
Now, hank, if this runs, Am i gonna get paid? And i got bernadette peters, And i have larry miller, One of the olsen twins, Uh, bruno kirby, And later on i'm gonna do One of larry's favorites, Drew barrymore.
Hey, drew barrymore.
Well, larry'll like that.
Won't it be a hoot For the last show? This is a perfect way For me to show larry How much the last 10 years Have meant to me.
No.
Please.
Sweetie, the last show Is packed fuller Than barishnikov's Tights.
But lucky for you, One of bobby berosini's Chimps fell off his bike, So you can have 5 minutes Friday night.
Friday night? No, I can't do it.
It's impossible.
I mean, i'm still Working on it-- Friday or nothing.
Ok.
No problem.
And i got invited To this party At alan rudolph's house.
It's actually William holden's Old place.
I mean, not the place Where he hit his head And died and everything.
It was, actually, Another place.
But-- you know alan rudolph.
He's a-- he's a director? He directed this movie-- He's actually a protégé Of robert altman.
Well, i mean, Not a protégé, exactly She's a good guest, Right? Absolutely.
Really? Absolutely.
Please, Don't ask me again.
She's a good guest, Right? Well, there's no dead spots, That's for sure.
An alan rudolph film.
That's the one where Geraldine chaplin is naked, Which is a little Disturbing.
Look, i know you don't Want to date someone Who's a bad guest.
Well, you remember Jennifer tilly, right? She was a good guest.
Yeah, but not good enough To get serious about.
Right? No.
[Knock on door.]
Artie: what is it? Oh, i'm sorry, but could I please speak to you For a moment, arthur? It's very important.
On august fourth I said i didn't Eat meat, And phil said, "Does that mean Your boyfriend has A tofu cock?" But later that day He said, "I hate going to hawaii "Because i can't tell The native hawaiians From the homosexuals, "Because they're both Wearing the same shirts.
"I tried to do Windsurfing, And accidentally got A blow job.
" Arthur, please! Sorry.
It doesn't even Make sense.
It's just ridiculous, That's all.
I mean, come on.
What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts? Have you been On santa monica Boulevard In the last 10 years? I take sunset.
This is sexual Harassment.
Aw, sexual harassment, My ass.
Calm down, will you? I won't calm down.
It is Sexual harassment, And if he doesn't Cease and desist Immediately, I'm going to sue him And the show.
Hello, larry, It's drew barrymore, And i just wanted to say That the few times I've been on this show, I felt like we had This magical connection, And you are An inspired spirit.
And now you have The chance to fly free, So fly free, Funny man.
And i will miss Going to bed with you Every night.
And i love you, Larry sanders.
Wow.
Ok? Oh, isn't that pretty.
That's pretty.
Ok So, show your tits.
What? Well, you know, Like you did on-- On letterman.
You know[Whistles.]
A little whoop-dee-doodle.
What the fuck Are you talking about? Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
Um, i thought That was, like, Your shtick, you know.
Like i do "hey now.
" You're a pig Come on.
And i feel really sorry For you.
All right.
All right.
Look.
You-- i'm sorry.
I'm sorry-- look, I am sorry.
It's wrong.
I-i-i-- I apologize.
Okay, good.
Thank you.
I feel bad.
Sorry.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Do you want to show A little, uh-- No? A little tuckus? You know, I'm so excited You're gonna be On the show this week.
I know.
Me, too.
What are you gonna Talk about? I don't know.
I haven't really Thought about it.
You haven't Thought about it? It's comin' up In a couple days.
I know.
I thought I'd just wing it.
Wing it? Why, are you worried That i'm not gonna Be good or something? No.
Really? You're gonna be great.
Am i? Yes.
You're always great When you wing it.
Hey, john, will you Excuse us, please? Tell joanie The camel's hilarious.
We gotta talk About brian.
[Whispering.]
Oh, yeah, I hear he's gay! Fuck you.
You gotta cut out These gay jokes.
You're hurting Brian's feelings.
God, artie, He's such a sissy.
Let's look At all this evidence He's compiled on you.
It's thicker than Heidi fleiss' phone book.
Why do you have this? Because brian Gave it to me.
He's getting ready To sue this show, And particularly you, For sexual harassment.
Listen, artie, i've got to Be able to insult people.
It's like, If i don't insult people, I can't get to the good Jokes.
This is my process.
Well, i suggest you try To get to the good jokes Without going Through brian's ass.
Wh-what the hell Am i supposed to do, Censor myself? Not one gay joke.
But, artie-- Not one.
Ooh, it's Goin' down now.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
Brian Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Phil.
Good morning, brian.
And how are we Today? [Sighs.]
[Straining.]
We are great.
Oh, thank god the rains Have stopped, eh? Phil, do you like My outfit? Yes, i do.
Isn't it fetching? Yeah, that's-- That's not the word I'm looking for.
Excuse me.
Huh.
Well i took care Of him, eh? You sure did.
[Door opens.]
What, did you get that At the freddy mercury Estate sale? I knew it.
I knew you couldn't Resist.
What-- what are they Hiring at ups, 'Cause you're sporting A very big package.
Oh, well, thank you For noticing.
Sign here, And the package Is all yours.
I don't think anybody Could help but notice.
But you know what? Unlike you, I'm as straight As they come.
And when i say "straight," I mean guys.
And when i say "come," I mean on my face.
Beverly: what? Eww.
Come on, That was funny.
You are ridiculous.
I am hilarious.
Um God.
Maybe you should go Put on some pants Before larry gets in.
Yeah, that's A good idea.
Oh, he's really Workin' out.
I wish my ass Looked like that.
We all are named In this lawsuit.
Well, couldn't we settle this? Can't we just get him A membership in a gym Or something? I-- i'm afraid not.
Well, i don't get it.
What did he say exactly That upset him so much? Just see pages five Through twelve.
You'll get the message.
"I think my dog is gay Because his penis Tastes bitter.
" [Chuckles.]
That's my joke.
He's a fucking asshole.
Absolutely.
[Door opens.]
You want to see me? Artie: yes.
Brian has filed a lawsuit Against the larry sanders show For sexual harassment.
You've got top billing! Plus, you stole My gay dog joke.
What is that about? Holy shit.
This is crazy.
God damn you.
Didn't i tell you To shut the fuck up? Didn't i? Did you see What he was wearing? This is entrapment! If this gets out, all anyone Is gonna remember about the show Is this lawsuit bullshit.
Oh, and 10 years Of laughter.
All right, Excuse me.
I-- artie, look, I am trying to Be creative here, And there is something Called artistic license That i don't think brian Is comprehending here.
When this show ends, You want to work again, Don't you? Somewhere? Yeah.
You know Who runs this town? The jews.
No.
The gay jews.
Hank, whispering: action! Hi, larry, Bruno kirby here.
Larry, you're the greatest.
I wish you were Doing the show For the next 10 years.
We're all Gonna miss you, buddy.
Uh, let's just do another.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
But-- but was was wrong With that one? Well, to me, personally, It just didn't feel-- Uh, this is Constructive, by the way, 'Cause you-- You know, you're great.
It didn't feelSincere.
I would just-- I would make it bigger.
Bigger? Mm-hmm.
Like what bigger? Like-- like-- Let's do another.
Like fucking kabuki Theatre bigger or? AndAction.
Larry, congratulations.
It's been a great honor-- Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
I don't-- What are you doing? Well, what the fuck Are you doing? I'm doing bigger.
You said bigger.
I'm doing bigger.
Let me see If i can help you.
See, um Here's the deal.
[Sighs.]
oh Larry is ending The show, So you're talking To larry And you feel sad.
I don't want To give you A line reading, But it's In this area Okay? So-- Have you ever lost, um-- Have you ever lost Somebody close? Mom? Dad? I would tap into some of that.
Hank, let me tell you something About bruno kirby, okay? Bruno kirby doesn't do PshhhhhSad.
And bruno kirby Doesn't take direction From some talk show Sidekick.
Now you've got Something.
Bring that-- I was in the godfather, For god's sake.
I don't think so.
I was in the fucking godfather: part ii, You moron.
Oh, well, see i only-- I only saw the third one, The good one.
Um, she got mad At the producer, And then she threw Her goddess in-- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
I just-- Don't let me interrupt.
I just came in To get aShrimp.
We're just going over What the first story's Gonna be.
Oh.
Yeah, the, um-- Well, the first story Is gonna be, i thought, The one about Where i grew up In connecticut.
The tv-- Oh, ok.
Ok.
Uh, in higganum, Which is next to haddam [Laughs.]
And then haddam is Next to saybrook, And then that's Next to deep river.
There was a street nearby Called beaver meadow Uh, and that was actually Next to beaver hill.
Mary lou: mm-hmm.
And, uhWell, Beaver meadow Wasn't really A meadow.
It was a forest, And it had some Very strange Animal name.
Uh, i can't remember The name of it-- Hey, uh, I got a thought.
Cockaponset.
Pardon me? What? What was cockaponset? The name of the forest.
Oh, that's hilarious.
You know, if i may-- And i don't want To interrupt-- But why don't you say-- You should pause At beaver meadow, And then what you do Is, uh-- And i'll make some joke About beaver meadow On the show, And then what you can Do is say something About cockaponset.
I'll make some joke About that.
It'll be Hilarious.
Listen to this shit.
Brian's claiming Pain and suffering Due to a hostile Work environment.
"Hostile work environment.
" Fuckin' idiot! I have a good Louis farrakhan joke.
[Sighs.]
no, No louis farrakhan jokes.
Why? Because louis farrakhan Is black, And then beverly Will sue me because Louis farrakhan is black.
No, she won't.
Yeah, she will.
Come on, seriously.
Louis farrakhan made A speech in-- God fucking damn it.
Let's put that A little sooner.
Okay.
And then You should tell The psychic story.
That psychic story.
She's got a hilarious-- Oh, really? Illeana: yeah.
I went to This hollywood Baby shower, And there was A psychic there, And i told her I was gonna be Doing a movie With Kevin costner And the psychic said, "Oh, kevin costner's Gonna hit on you.
" And i said, "hey, I need a psychic For that?" [Mary lou laughs.]
Just tightening it up Just a little bit.
I will, i will.
If i may, seriously.
Okay, um Oh, shit.
So-- What else? Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Well, well, well.
What a hot crowd.
I read that the National parks service Spent $9 million To build A public outhouse In montana.
Did you see that, hank? Sounds like A lot of money, But honestly, You should see The chandelier.
[Minimal laughter.]
Wow! A little Clear-air turbulence Right there.
[Audience laughs.]
Every day-- This is so odd to me-- The average american Spends 4 1/2 hours Watching television, And only 17 minutes reading.
How can it take 17 minutes To read a tv guide? [Minimal laughter.]
Wow.
Larry's monologue Really sucks tonight.
Oh, i'm sorry.
No problem.
Let's see how The interviews go.
Hitting new levels Of self-loathing, larry.
Cheers, motherfucker.
They just released A list-- I don't know If you saw this, hank.
I don't know If anyone saw this.
I actually don't know Is anyone is still watching.
Uh, brian, don't you think You're taking this thing A little too far? Why does larry Have to suffer? Listen to that mess! I can't believe you.
I thought you'd Understand best of all Because you're A black woman and all.
Well, i was born black.
What? What does that mean? Well, you chose To be gay.
I what? You know, maybe you should Come to church with me On sunday.
No, really.
Maybe that'll-- That'll work out Your problem.
Fifty-two minutes left.
That is the good news.
But we have a great show.
We have illeana douglas, And, uh, a lot Of surprises.
Don't go by this.
We'll be right back.
Larry, on tv: No flipping.
No flipping.
Oh, it's you.
Ah, it's mr.
Litigious.
I'll just go, I guess.
No, no, no.
No.
Come in.
Come in and sit down.
You can watch.
Shame about Your monologue.
Guess what.
I just Put a lawyer on retainer.
Five fucking grand For one phone call.
Thank you.
That isn't why i did it, You know.
It isn't.
Um, look.
Phil, maybe I overreacted.
No, no, no, no.
I'm the asshole.
[Sighs.]
Maybe so But I-- i wore that outfit Just to provoke you.
You know that i, um-- I just bought it That morning.
Well, clearly, You were trying To make a point.
But i went too far.
No, no, no, no.
I did.
I did.
No, my problem Is that i gotta learn When to keep My fucking mouth shut.
Yeah.
You want some jäger? Sure, i'll have A sip.
You've obviously had a bit.
We're back.
And before we bring out My first guest, Illeana douglas, Hank, i see that You have something You want to show The audience? Yes, i do.
And it's a little film I put together Over the past Few months Of some special Friends of yours.
Oh, wow.
And you deserve it, My friend.
It's just my way Of showing you How much i love you And i respect you And i will miss you.
Oh I'm touched.
Good.
Ok.
Roll it.
[Audience applauds.]
Tv monitor: hi, larry, Bruno kirby here.
Larry, you're the greatest.
I wish you were Doing the show For the next 10 years.
We're all gonna miss you.
[Audience applauds.]
Hey, how you feeling? It's a very, very, Very, very, very Hot crowd.
Do not go by The monologue, I'm telling you.
There's a whole group there From the special olympics, And they are really Gonna be there for you.
They're very nice people.
You can feel it out there.
There's a certain energy.
You're gonna just be great.
So we're gonna start With the psychic thing? Do we still have that-- Yes.
And then, At the beaver meadow, Don't forget to pause I won't.
I won't.
At beaver meadow.
Ok, and then you'll go Right into the cannon thing? Then the psychic? Right.
Uh-huh.
The cannon-- the psychic-- We do the psych-- Yeah, i got it.
I got it.
The psychic-- And the pause.
Psychic, Beaver meadow, Cannon.
Ok, so, good.
Psychic, Beaver meadow, Cannon.
I can't tell you.
Just, uh, have fun.
Go out there And have fun.
Ok? All right.
Ok You look great.
Thank you.
It's-- i'm Gonna be fine.
Tv monitor: Ed begley here.
Larry, we are really Gonna miss you.
You're a funny man And a great environmentalist, Which explains Why you're always Recycling jokes.
[Audience chuckles.]
Anyway, it's been A great 10 years, And we love you, larry.
[Applause.]
That was-- that was-- That was so touching.
Thank you.
You didn't even see it.
Yes, i did.
I loved it.
I just Absolutely loved it.
You got up And you walked away.
No, i didn't.
My first guest tonight Is a terrific actress.
I'm a gigantic fan.
You probably know her From many of her movies, Including to die for And cape fear, Which, by the way-- cape fear is the nickname For me in the bedroom.
It's a superhero i play.
I come out in a cape And have fear Written all over One specific part Of my body.
Please welcome Illeana douglas.
Yeah! [Applause, Band playing.]
Hi.
You look fantastic, To begin with.
Thank you.
Absolutely fantastic.
Have you been doing-- You do a lot of movies.
Now, tell me about-- You did-- you worked With kevin costner Recently, And something about a I haven't worked With him yet.
I see.
I was at this Hollywood baby shower, Yes.
And there was A psychic there.
Uh-huh.
And i told him I was gonna be Doing a movie With kevin costner.
And the psychic Said to me, "Kevin costner's Gonna hit on you.
" And, uh-- and so I said to him, "Well, you know, I don't think I need a psychic To tell me that.
" [Audience laughs, Applauds.]
Audience member: whoo! That is funny.
Those jokes really hurt you.
Yeah.
Yeah, they really, Really hurt, phil.
They're just jokes To you But to me, They're not, ok? Every time you say Something like that To me, You become every bully That i ever knew.
I know i'm thin-skinned.
I know it.
I know that i have To toughen up, ButPlease.
Yeah.
You know? Yeah, i know.
I mean, you're not The only one in pain.
I mean, try working For an asshole Who throws out 95% Of your jokes, you know, Every day.
You know, You just put yourself On the chopping block Every fuckin' time-- I know.
And you gotta be Funny funny funny Funny all the time, And it's, you know.
And just, I never realized The kind of pressure That i was under.
And the fact remains That i'm gonna be Out of a job In 3 weeks And i'm gonna be blackballed By the gay jews.
I am so sorry.
[Sobbing.]
It's-- it's all right.
It's all right.
We're so fucked up, eh? [Sobbing.]
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had this street there Called beaver hill.
Ah, was-- was there An all-girls school There, by any chance? Actually, it was Right near beaver meadow.
How did it get the name Beaver meadow, If i may ask? Um, i don't know.
It had nothing to do With me.
I can tell you that.
[Laughter.]
[Applause.]
I cannot tell you How good you did tonight.
Um I feel very awkward About something.
Oh, you shouldn't.
You were so fantastic.
Really.
Everything you did Was totally right.
Really.
Yeah.
Ok, i, um-- I like you a lot, AndI get the feeling That if i wasn't A good guest tonight, That you wouldn't Like me anymore.
That is not true.
Really? You spent more time Working on my stupid Than you have On our whole Relationship.
And you know What i think? I think it's More important to you Whether or not I'm a good guest On your show.
You know [Clears throat.]
I'm a fuckin' Talk show host, ok? I'm all fucked up.
But it's over In a couple weeks, So, you know You just gotta Give me a chance.
Please? I'm sorry.
It was important.
But you don't have To do it again.
Well, why? Didn't you think I was any good? I thought you were Really good.
Really good.
I paused at The beaver meadow thing.
The beaver meadow thing killed.
Like you told me.
And then i-- i did The cannon joke.
The cannon joke? Did you hear The audience? Yeah.
Wait'll you see the tape.
I know It was your joke, But i thought I did it-- If i may say, i killed On the pastry thing, Didn't i? You think-- Was i all right? I thought You were great.
Mmm.
Really? Yeah.
Mmm.
Maybe he can't handle The emotion on the tape.
Just fuck these tapes.
You gotta talk To your boy brian And get him to stop This lawsuit.
What-- what lawsuit? He's charging phil With sexual harassment, For god's sake.
[Artie coughs.]
Looks like they settled Out of court.
Oh, by the way, Drew barrymore's lawyer Just called me.
What's that about?