Veep s06e10 Episode Script

1 Selina: And from the heady days of our third-place finish in lowa, we fought together for the dream of becoming the first woman president.
- ( applause, cheering ) - Whoo! But tonight tonight, the voters - of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina - ( crowd booing ) Ohio, Florida, Texas, and the territory of Guam have said otherwise.
- God, I really thought we were gonna win Guam.
- And so, ahem - I have decided to suspend my campai - No! - Crowd: No! - Yes, I've decided to suspend my campaign.
Jesus, I need to get drunk and slop-fuck an intern.
I'm really sorry that I could not carry this one over the finish line - for all of you.
- And we can build this thing together - And as oh, my.
Wow.
- Standing strong forever - ( Mike chuckles ) - As devastating as this loss may be, you have not seen the last of Selina Meyer.
- Selina for you.
- ( crowd cheering ) All: Selina for you! ( theme music playing ) Jonah's mom: Jonie, look, I have a special treat.
- Hello, former Congressman Ryan.
- Oh, come on! - Richard.
- What are you even doing here? Well, your mom said you could use some Splett pep, so I brought you this.
See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Yeah, it was a waste of $30.
Look, save your pity, Richard.
In two years, I'm gonna run against my motard cousin, Ezra, who's been a congressman for, like, two days and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.
Well, two years is a long time.
I mean, you could petition for a recall if they weren't unconstitutional.
Wait, can I petition for a recall against Ezra? - Unequivocally, no.
- That's a great idea.
- That's awesome.
- Well, it was nice to see you.
I guess I'll see myself out.
Well, I don't know, as long as you're here you wanna play? I'll let you be Aquaman.
No tidal wave.
Does a rabbit need a yearly vaccination for myxomatosis? It does.
Well, maybe.
It depends on the rabbit.
- But, yes.
- Mom, can Richard stay the night? Can I please, Mrs.
Ryan? Oh, sure! I'll make waffles for breakfast.
- Mom, I don't want waffles! - Okay, then I won't make waffles.
Jaffar: Happy six month anniversary, my love.
- This belonged to my great-grandmother.
- Oh, my God.
My great-grandfather bought it for her with the money he made from his first major arms deal.
Wow.
Well, we'll have to see what I look like later wearing nothing but blood diamonds.
- Selina.
- ( chuckles ) Reporter: Here she comes.
Madam President! Madam President, Ambassador, are you two engaged yet? - Hey, guys.
- It's the woman who freed Tibet! Montez's numbers are tanking.
Is she gonna have to give up her Nobel Peace Prize? How come you never talk about your stay in Arizona? Oh, I love the Grand Canyon.
- That's not an answer.
- Man: Look over here! - Arizona? - Yeah, it was a spa.
It was just a spa.
( tires squeal ) - It's really nice.
- Gary: Hey! Whoo! - Hey, lookie, lookie! - Hi! Here she is, the most beautiful woman in the spa.
- Hi, Mom! - Watch your toesies, watch your toesies.
- Hey, baby! - Hi! - Boop-boop! - Hello, ma'am.
- Marjorie.
- Marjorie.
- Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Yes, I'm gonna make you look pretty, okay? What's new? - You were here yesterday.
Yeah.
- That's right! They love you so much, they can't keep away.
Ma'am, that was a month ago.
Gary is humoring you.
- Okay.
Yes, ma'am.
- Gary, are you sure that this isn't too much medication? - People think we're married.
- I think it's the perfect amount.
How often are you visiting? - Oh, like, twice a day.
- A lot.
But not as much as I would like.
I got a place about three hours away.
Mom, how are you feeling? - Losing was just the best.
- Aw.
- Yes, it was.
- Really? Because politics has a sickness That's right, that's right.
- Catherine.
- That's right.
- And it's sick.
- How about some lipstick? - It's so amazing to hear you say that.
- Yeah.
Mom, we were thinking that maybe when you're feeling all better, that maybe you could come live with us.
- Yes, Mom.
- Oh, isn't that nice? You're beautiful.
Catherine, you are truly beautiful.
- ( laughs ) I'll have what she's having.
- You're beautiful.
- Mom, we have a surprise for you! - Knock-knock! - Oh.
- ( chuckles ) As soon as I heard what a vulnerable state you were in, - I got on the first flight.
- Hi, Andrew.
Okay, I'm gonna get the orderly with the big needles.
- Let's not do that.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh, okay.
- Marjorie: Oh.
- ( Selina laughing ) - That, uh Selina: Leon West will not let this spa thing go.
He's like a bald dog with a bone.
Well, ma'am, a buddy of mine works at the "Post" snack shop.
- He says Leon's on the outs.
- Really? The editors think he's lost all sense of objectivity, and he's eating Luna bars for women.
- Okay, see? He's unhinged! - Mm-hmm.
He's like this demented creep - who follows me around - ( door opens ) and gets all in my personal life and thinks about me 24-7, nonstop.
- ( chuckles ) Cuckoo! - Yeah.
- Ma'am? - Yeah? They dropped off - the final model for the library.
- Oh, wow! Look at this! - Oh, my goodness! - Look at this.
- So they solved the design problem.
- Yes.
And so now the staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling.
Exactly what it's like to be a woman.
Yes, and they're working on the engineering.
They said it's a little unstable.
Yeah, also what it's like to be a woman.
Lookit, Marjorie! What do you think? It looks like a vagina, ma'am.
See? Okay, that's from an expert.
You know, this is what I said in the beginning.
I'm not seeing that.
Well, you don't have any frame of reference.
What if you trim the topiary around the edge? - That could help.
- Nobody's gonna trim the topiary.
- I'm not a porn star.
- You could be, - but you chose politics.
- What is this, the clitoris? You know what would be funny? We should put the men's bathroom there.
- They'll never find it.
- Well, actually, ma'am, the female pleasure center is quite extensive.
- Gary: Ah.
- Uh, no, it's not.
- And that's the crypt, ma'am.
- Right, that's what I just said.
No, the crypt.
What? - I'm gonna be buried there? - ( gasps ) Yeah, most of the formers are buried at their libraries.
Mike: Okay, I gotta I gotta go.
- Really? - ( Mike laughs ) That was Wendy.
Ellen just got a spot in the Harper Day School and full financial aid.
See, that wouldn't have happened if I paid you more.
- More? You never - Amy: Now, ma'am, there is a problem.
What? As they were prepping for the groundbreaking, they discovered the library might be situated on the site of Yale's former slave quarters.
- Oh, come on.
- Mike: What? Yale had slaves back then? - This is not good, ma'am.
- Wait, wait, wait, what if we own this? Not in a slavey way, but, like, if we put up a very sensitive exhibit that talks about slavery and honors the men and women who suffered there.
Okay, well, that's an excellent idea, Mike, but I'm not gonna have my vagi-brary underground railroaded by this.
- Mm-mm.
- All right, who else knows? Just the site manager, that's it.
But he's Italian, so he knows how to keep bodies buried.
Good.
Nobody else can know.
Right? Okay, Marjor? Okay, shit! Oh, shit! - Marjorie?! - Marjorie?! - Marjorie! - Marjorie! - Marjorie! - Marjorie! - Marjorie! - Marjorie! - Slaves, Mother? - ( Gary gasps ) No way.
Okay, Cat what room is this, Catherine? - Oh, my God.
- I mean, when did we build an Indian casino gift shop? ( chuckles ) - It's the nursery.
- Seriously? - My God.
- Well, where are the toys? Or is the baby gonna play chess against death? You know what, Mom, as your daughter And the library's third biggest donor.
- Ugh.
- And the library's third biggest donor - Oh, I heard her.
- You cannot build this library - on the oppressed backs of the ancestors of my child! - ( groaning ) Listen to me, Catherine Kinte - What am I on? - Nothing.
Okay, so you wanna talk about second-class citizens? You wanna do that? Blacks got the vote in 1870.
- When did women get the vote? 1920! - Sistas! Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.
Mom, you are going to be the grandmother of a child - that is half black.
- And 1/16 French Huguenot.
I cannot stand that term.
Ma'am, the nomenclature has moved away from African American.
- It is black - No, I'm talking about grandmother.
- Okay? I am still a young woman.
- Gary: Yes.
- Really! Look at my hands.
- Gorgeous.
- Look at my neck, okay? - Ooh.
I am not about to buried in a twat of my own making! ( grunts ) I'm still relevant! Nobody likes a tattletale, Marjorie.
- Well, good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, ma'am.
Vice President Selina Meyer to see the president.
( knocks ) - Oh, hey, Ben.
- Madam Vice President.
- How are you? - I'm good, thank you.
The president is very, very busy right now.
Oh, I know, I know.
Why don't I show you your office first? - Oh, sure.
Yeah! - Okay? - Right across the street here.
- What? - The EEOB? - Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hughes promised me an office here in the West Wing.
Well, it's just right across the street.
You'll be neighbors.
Okay, I haven't spoken to my neighbors in my entire fucking life.
- I don't even know who they are.
- Oh, be glad.
I've met them.
All right? You and I both know that Hughes would never do this if I was a male VP.
We'd be out, shotgun and beers and sucking each other off like Carter and Mondale.
Don't look at me with that smirk.
- You know that's the case.
- Ma'am - You need to understand.
- Oh.
The president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman, which you're doing a pretty okay job at.
- Okay? - So I'm gonna let you walk the rest of the way.
I'm trying to cut down on exercise, okay? He'll call you if he needs you.
Um, well, you are an exceptional woman.
I know, but we are gonna fight this.
- Madam Vice President.
- Yeah.
- God, that feels good to say.
- So where are the new digs, huh? - Are we close to a kitchen? - Well, I actually have good news.
We are going to be in the EEOB.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
No, it's good.
I'm thinking we need to distance ourselves from this sort of "one and done" administration.
- So, this is your decision? - Yes, it is.
And you don't want me - to shut that down right now? - I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Madam Vice President, I'm Jonah Ryan.
- Okay.
- I am oh, I am a West Wing intern.
- Oh, congratulations.
Okay.
- I just wanna say it's such an honor to meet you.
The only reason that I voted for Hughes is because you were on the ticket.
- Well, I'm sure you're not alone.
- ( all chuckling ) Maybe we can pull some strings and get you assigned to the EEOB.
Yeah maybe.
- Oh, Mr.
Cafferty! - See that? He's kind of cute, Amy.
- What do you think? - Huh, yeah.
Hello, sir.
I just wanna say what a pleasure it is to meet you.
And the only reason that I voted for Hughes is because I knew you were - his campaign man - I have two things for you to do.
They're important.
Can you handle it? Of course.
Yes, absolutely, sir.
One get the fuck away from me.
Two stay the fuck away from me.
- Okay? Can you do that? - Yes, sir.
I won't let you down.
( chuckles, snorts ) God, I love interns.
Congressman, there's a simple and easy solution to the homeless problem Pass mandatory sentencing laws for vagrancy.
Then these unfortunates will finally have a home My prisons.
Look, I hate the homeless as much as any librarian.
That's why God created subzero winters and the third rail, but chances of me pushing for any tax incentives for these private hoosegows is about as likely as what, Will? As me walking out of a bar with less than 10 types of semen in my hair.
- You can't go in there! - Sir, I know I don't have an appointment, - but what I have to say is - Furlong: Holy shit! I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in DC.
You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for "Oliver.
" Here, you want a dried apricot? They're Turkish.
Anything I can do to annoy the Armenians.
All right, good seeing you, Tanzy.
Let me know when you find your wallet.
Oh, hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I wanna talk about you being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me and Mary, okay? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I hope you're not here for Shawnee.
No, sir.
I am here with a final solution - to restore me to power.
- Jonah, Jonah.
Sir, I will do anything that you say.
I know.
That's what I love about you.
It's like that fagela cowboy movie.
"I can't quit you.
" Yes, thank you, sir.
Butch and Sundance.
The point is now is not the time to go putzing after representatives, congressmen.
No! From now on, I'm only buying senators and presidents.
That's the way to affect meaningful change.
We'll always have the shutdown, won't we? Huge miscalculation.
Selina: Mayor Thompson, I hope you'll support me in November in the Senate contest.
- Absolutely, Congresswoman Meyers.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
No, op, op, op.
It's Meyer.
There's no "S" at the end.
Look, you can see right here on the on the bus.
- There's no "S.
" - Oh, Jewish.
- No, mm-mm.
No.
- No? Oh, what a great county this is.
I just love everybody here is so well-behaved and polite.
- Thank you! What joy! We gotta go.
- It is like Selinamania, right? - Okay.
- Okay.
We gotta go.
Mike: Selina, Selina.
We are fucked two ways which till Tuesday.
What are you talking about? We've completely spent all of our TV money.
Well, who's in charge of that? Technically, I am, but when you buy these ads That's not my problem.
All right, we're leaving, okay? Hey, Andrew, we have gotta fire that Mike guy.
He's the biggest goddamn idiot I've ever Selina! Hey! Uh, boy, I got Can you believe I put a pen in my pocket without a cap? And Sally was helping me get the stain out.
You remember Sally Nuefeld, our biggest donor? - Nuefeld department stores.
- Hi.
You know, I'm so glad that I've just run into you, Sally.
- You are? - We need to make a TV buy tonight.
Otherwise, we're dead in the water.
So maybe you could help us grease the knob or the wheel or whatever it is.
- You know, I would love to, Selina - Oh, great! But we've already given to a number of candidates this cycle, so Yeah, you know, I wish your husband was here because I would love for him to hear about the story of you and Andrew on the bus with the pen.
- Let me get my checkbook.
- Oh, can we have your pen, Andrew? - I don't have a pen.
- Oh, you don't.
- Oh! We threw the pen out.
- I don't give a fuck.
- Okay, how does 25,000 sound? - Well, I'll tell you something, why don't you put your money where your mouth was is - And add another zero? - That should be no problem.
Oh, goody! Chung: And that's why I need your help telling the Danny Chung story How I pulled a Marine from a burning tank.
- Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We're familiar with the story.
How about this? How about an interview with the soldier that you pulled from the tank? - That's an excellent idea.
- Yeah, thank you.
But best not to contact him for personal reasons, or, really, anyone who saw it.
I don't wanna retrigger.
But this is the kind of thinking I need for my team.
- Dan: Mm.
- Well, let us put together an action plan.
- All right.
- Great.
Ready for a change, ready for Chung.
Ready for a "chunge.
" First "chunge," we're gonna fix that slogan.
- Really? - I'm kidding.
It's great.
- Ben: There's Amy.
Come on in.
- How you doing, Danny? You know, we could really use you, Ames.
Give us a little touch of the feminine.
You and I could split those duties.
Yeah, I think I, uh I've been waiting a long time - for us to get together.
- There it is.
- There we go.
- Kent: Back at full strength! - We can accomplish beautiful things - Ben: Absolutely.
- in this town, gentlemen.
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna have to talk to Selina - Oh, Amy's out.
- No! - Thanks for coming in, Ame.
- No! We're not gonna validate your parking.
- You don't mind that, do you? - No, I just meant that I'm gonna tell her once and for all th-that Jaffar: Okay, so Lu wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil.
- We'll leave Friday.
- That's so funny because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.
- Oh! - It's Kismit.
I know.
It really is, isn't it? No, her name is Kismit.
They make her use Linda, but You know, my favorite cousin Hamid went here.
He partied his balls off.
Oh, my God, we should've invited him to come to the thing today.
- Oh, he's not exactly on the yes-fly list.
- Oh.
Mom, I'm so glad my doctor cleared me to come today.
But you gotta be careful with that McLintock cervix of yours.
- Oh, it's incompetent cervix, ma'am.
- That's what I said, Marjorie.
- Zing! You got me, ma'am.
- Quartie: Hey! - Quartie! - Who's the head librarian now? I love the new design - on the building there.
- Yeah, right.
My God, looks like Queen Kong's cooter.
That's what we were going for! - Hog jaw! - Yeah.
That ain't the first time I spent 20 million - on a piece of pussy.
- Oh, good on you, Quartie.
- Okay, have fun.
- Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Let's go get President Caldwell, please.
- On it, ma'am.
- Yeah.
Now that the library is officially moving forward, - I really need clarity on my role.
- Yeah.
So it's time for you to make a decision.
Yes, and I think I did, 'cause I talked to you about that.
- About? - The chicken, right? - Nope.
- You didn't want red meat for a week.
No, no, no, no, who is in charge of the library? Is it Richard or is it me? Because if it's not me, I have I have another offer and I'm going to take - Oh, Jim! There you are.
- Madam President.
- Oh.
- This is the President of Yale, ma'am.
- I found him.
- How are you? Well, I've got a professor of gender studies suing for tenure.
- You can imagine what that's about.
- Oh, my God.
Well, this thing shouldn't take too long, so we can get you out of here.
Actually, Madam President, the "Washington Post" called asking for comment on the story that the library site was originally the university's slave quarters.
- That's Leon.
It's gotta be Leon.
- ( clears throat ) I'm embarrassed, but the university is going to have to take some time to study the situation.
What? What are you talking about? We're having the groundbreaking today.
If it were up to me, we'd be putting up drywall on your vagina building today.
Well, I appreciate that, - Jim, I really do.
- But in the current climate with the lawsuit and with one of our adjuncts in the Hillel function with the sombrero - Okay, I don't know what that is.
- you can understand that this is not a time we wanna put a spotlight on our historic association with slavery.
After all, this is Yale, not Brown.
- ( chuckles ) I got waitlisted there.
- Catherine: Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow! Ma'am, I think her water just broke, ma'am.
- Good Christ! - Are you kidding me? I will be in touch.
In the meantime, if you're trying to get out of town, don't take High Street.
The KKK that's the Kool Kweers of Kolor Oh.
is having a "pee-in" in front of Skull and Bones.
Got that.
Thank you.
- I mean - Ma'am.
Yale pulled out without even coming on my tits? ( scoffs ) Things sure have changed - since I went to college.
- ( Catherine groaning ) We're gonna take her back to Mount Sinai, ma'am.
Let's go.
- - ( heart monitor beeping ) - ( Selina grunting ) - Doctor: Here we go.
Andrew: These are genuine pieces of the wall.
The baby's crowing.
You know what? I should go.
- Here come the shoulders.
- Oh, my God, I wish I had let you do anal.
It would've hurt less than this! - See? - Oh, I'll up the dosage on your spinal.
Oh, God, I like her.
I like you.
- Have you decided on a name? - No.
What's your name? - Sandra.
- Yeah, not that.
Hey, how about those ice chips? - Selina: I need ice chips.
- Hi, I'm Gary.
- Hi.
- I ground these myself.
- Okay.
- The hospital ones are so big.
- There we go.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Okay, Doctor - Sengupta.
- Gundupta.
- I'm gonna get you a cookie.
- ( groaning ) - Right here.
Here we go, push.
- ( grunts ) - Okay, we're looking good.
- We're looking good.
Here it comes.
- Oh, my God! - ( baby crying ) - Congratulations, Mommy and Daddy.
- Here's your baby.
- Is that its hair? - Yeah.
- Will you be nursing? No.
My God, I'm not a goat.
- No, those are for Daddy.
- Selina: Ooh, God, Sandra? Can you write down your number in case we have any questions about it? - Okay.
- You can give it to my husband, Andrew.
- ( baby crying ) - ( Selina cooing ) Hi.
- I think I wanna run for Congress.
- Huh.
Oh, some black shit is coming out of it.
- Good yeah.
- Loud.
It's so loud.
I've never heard anything quite like ooh.
Ugh, it's loud.
Oh, ah.
- You went ahead without me.
- The baby has my elbows.
Mom, where have you been? They're ready to send us home.
Okay, well, Catherine, slaves have ruined my library - Yeah.
- so you can stop attacking me.
You know how busy your mother is, Catherine.
- What are you doing here? - Our daughter wanted at least one of her parents to be here.
- Fortunately, I was available.
- So, what is it? What do we got? - A boy or a girl? - Well, if we're judging by sex organs, which apparently we're not, it's a boy.
- Thank God.
- Would you like to hold him, Grandma'am? - I'll take your purse.
- No, it's fine.
- I'll just give him a boop-boop, pat-pat.
- I packed your toiletries, - so you're all set to go.
- Selina: Monnie.
- Oh! Grandma! - ( clears throat ) Yeah.
Congratulations.
Okay, when did you come back into the picture? - What do you mean? - Nope.
Mm-mm.
Is Mama ready to roll out? ( gasps ) Oh, my God, I can't believe it! - Oh, thank you.
- You're Monica from "Monica.
" Oh, yeah! It is a dream of mine to cook with you someday.
- It's my dream, too.
- Aw, well, we should make that happen.
I'll get your number.
Absolutely, we should make that happen.
- Go, just go.
- Open up a bottle of Chateau Montelena.
Okay, so what are we calling him? Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon? - We haven't landed on a name yet.
- I don't mind Tenafly.
You know, what about Richard? That would be kind of cute 'cause then we could call him Little Richard.
Love! I was actually named after my godmother, Richardina.
- Everybody just called her Regina.
- Selina: Oh, boy.
You know what, actually, I probably wasn't named after her.
I just got here, but I guess we're leaving now.
Oh, hello! Look at this little creature.
Looks just like both of you.
- Oh! Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? So, in the Quran, it is recommended that upon the birth of a child, a father should slaughter two goats.
However, out of respect for your veganism, I got you the wipe warmer instead.
- Yes! Yes, thank you.
- Oh! Wow, thank you.
Ambassador Jaffar, if I could nibble your ear for a moment about a sand opportunity I'm currently involved with.
- I'm all set with sand.
- But this is beach sand.
He doesn't want sand.
- Madam President! - ( reporters clamoring ) This is traumatizing for the baby.
No, I know.
You know what? I'm gonna help you.
- I'm gonna help you out.
- Mom.
- We're good.
Shh.
- Everyone say hello to Little Richard.
- Is that the baby's name? - Yes.
- No, it's not.
- I have to say that as the proud grand - Mother.
- mother of an African American baby, I would rather never have a presidential library than to have one that is built on the backs of dead slaves.
- Shame on Yale.
- Yeah.
- And shame on Amy Brookheimer.
- Yes.
Oh, and this is my lesbian daughter's Native American lesbian life partner, Marjorie.
- Sweetie.
- Leon: Madam President, the American public would like to know when you're going to come clean about your stay at Whispering Sands.
Okay, well, I have a confession to make.
Both my daughter and my mother have struggled greatly with very serious mental health problems.
- What? - Don't worry, it runs in my family, too.
You know, if this administration continues to ignore the mental health crisis in this country, - well, you know, it's crazy.
- ( Gary chuckles ) - It really is.
Yeah, thank you.
- ( reporters clamoring ) Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you! ( elevator dings ) Amy: Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library.
You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop - and I think I actually came.
- Is everything always ice cream with you? - Just say the word, ma'am, and I will - Amy, Amy.
I leaked it to Leon.
Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library? Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries.
And I'm running for president.
( all laughing ) You're you're running again?! The band is getting back together again! - Who cc'd Mike? - I get it, I'm Ringo.
- We need champagne! - Ben: No, Amy's Ringo.
You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
How is this even possible? Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs.
Lama on book club night.
- ( cork pops ) - All: Hey! - And what about Montez? - She's a Mexican who stole your job.
- She did, in fact, steal my job.
- Her numbers are under agua.
I can't believe this.
We're back! I do need to talk to you about your role.
And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.
- Sweet.
- To Team Meyer.
- All: Team Meyer! - Second time's the charm.
- It's actually fourth.
- Fourth.
- Fourth time's the charm.
- Yeah, that's fourth, ma'am.
So, uh, what do you think? - Beats working for Jonah.
- Yeah.
There's just one last thing you need to do.
Mm, I'm not gonna do that.
- Selina, you have to do it.
- Mm-mm.
( chuckles ) You know, there's a restaurant in Kowloon that has a clay-baked chicken dish that you have to order 24 hours in advance.
Yeah, Jaffar, I can't.
( clears throat ) I understand.
24 hours seems like a lot of hoopla for chicken, doesn't it? I mean I can't I can't, um, go to Hong Kong with you anymore.
No, the Chinese are expecting us.
The Brazil plan is set.
No, I just, you know I've been rethinking things, and there are some new options for me.
Okay? Post-Tibet.
Um, well ( chuckles ) I don't have any problem with options.
Yeah, but, you know, the options will be a lot easier without any baggage.
Muslim baggage? - Jaffar, you are so sophisticated - Oh, come on.
And your grasp of geopolitics is just ( inhales ) - Selina, what are you - And those are assets anywhere in the world except - In America? - In the United States, yeah.
And most of Europe, except Germany, you know, 'cause they overcorrect.
You should take this back.
Right? Yes, I want it back.
( sniffles, clears throat ) ( chatter ) - Oh, my God, Madam President! - Hi.
( camera shutter clicks ) ( crying ) Selina: Whoo! Council Bluffs, lowa, here we are! - Exactly 20 minutes from Omaha.
- ( car doors close ) - Not exactly.
- Okay, who has my speech? - I need my speech.
- Speech.
How are the girls and Big and Little Richard doing? - How are your kids, Ben? - Ooh, touché.
- Ma'am, here's your speech.
- Yes? Oh! Thank you, Leon.
Look at this.
There are no typos, there are no food stains, - you spelled Meyer right.
- Well, I am a grown man.
- Okay, Madison-Monroe dinner.
- ( door opens ) - Really brings back old memories, huh? - Ooh, and she's back.
Knock 'em dead, ma'am.
Dan, you got a sec? - ( crowd cheering ) - Uh, yeah, yeah.
What's up? - Ben's right a lot of memories.
- ( door closes ) - She and I started here seven years ago.
- Oh, tell me about it.
I was here in 2012, "Steve Bing'd" a couple stewardesses.
Will you stop being exactly like yourself? - You're fucking ruining this.
- Ruining what? Remember a couple months ago after you got fired and we had drinks with Ben? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we had a lot of drinks.
Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Fuck! I really thought things were starting to turn around.
( sighs ) Selina: Thank you! - ( knocks ) - Thank you.
Thank you.
It is so great to be back among all our friends in lowa! You know, there's been a lot of speculation about me running for president.
Again.
But tonight is not about that.
No, over the next few months, folks, I will embark on what I call a feeling tour across America, from Palo Alto to Hollywood, from lowa to New Hampshire, and from the Hamptons to Wall Street.
I'm going to be with the real folks out there.
I wanna feel their feelings and I wanna hear their speakings.
You know, I have to tell you, when I left the White House, I could've gone anywhere.
But I didn't.
I chose the South Bronx so I could feel and smell what America was all about.
- It smells good! - ( crowd cheering, applauding ) Jonah: Two years ago, I stood right here in my old high school gym where I was chosen for many, many sports teams, surrounded by my family and my my friends to seek your support for Congress as the ultimate insider's outsider.
And if there's one thing that you should know about me, Washington insiders, they didn't like me very much.
So let's send them a message by shoving the guy that they hate the most right back in their faces.
I am announcing my exploratory committee for the Presidency of the United States of America, which basically means I'm definitely running.
God bless New Hampshire.
God bless the United States of America and Puerto Rico if they can vote for president And God bless Jonah Ryan.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, people, look, the president can only do so much without the cooperation of the Congress.
I can't impress upon you enough that this process only works when there's bipartisan communication.
That is what the Constitution requires, right? - Okay, you in the back.
- Uh, will this be on the final? Uh, no comment.
( chuckles ) Old habits die hard, I guess.
Uh, yes.
No.
Actually, I can neither confirm nor deny that.
That's an old you know what? I don't know.
- So we'll deal with it later.
- ( school bell rings ) Okay, perfect.
Remember, three branches of government Judiciary, legislative, and there's a third.
And if you wanna know something about government, watch this film "Air Force One.
" It's a good movie.
Shows you what a president can do.
Nice to meet you, and I'll see you guys Wednes Tuesday.