Family Ties (1982) s06e11 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Okay, now, here's what we do.
Everyone take his own fortune cookie.
And then we'll break our cookies and we'll read our fortunes aloud.
Now, Andy, be very careful how you open that cookie.
There's an old Oriental proverb that says, "If you tear your fortune, you'll have bad luck.
" Here, now, watch.
Watch this.
This is That's real good, Dad.
What's it say? "Stop telling people how to open fortune cookies.
" Well, I got my usual one.
"Fame, fortune and riches are yours for the asking Alex.
" Here goes mine.
"Alex, no more personalized fortunes until you pay up.
Signed Mr.
Wong.
" Uh, what does what does yours say, Andy? I ate mine.
JENNIFER: Oh, come on, Andy.
We'll go find you another fortune.
Okay.
- Hi.
- STEVEN: Well, hi! Hello, everybody.
Well, I hope you haven't come for dinner, Skip.
- We're finished.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Tonight's meat loaf surprise night at my house.
Old Handelman tradition.
Just a regular meat loaf with many different foreign coins hidden in it.
Sounds delicious.
Skippy, can I please tell them my news now? Of course.
I was just getting them warmed up.
Okay.
I Everybody, I did something today that I never thought I'd do before.
You wore plaids with checks? No.
Something at school.
- You wrote in pen.
- Oh! MALLORY: No.
I have decided to run for school president.
- Great idea! - ELYSE: Oh, that's terrific! - Good, honey.
- Thank you.
Wow! Tell me, Mal, how do they decide who's going to run for president of Grant? I mean, I mean, what do you what do you need to qualify for that, a "D" average and a pulse? They're not really strict about the "D" average.
Honey, this is wonderful, but I got to admit I'm a little surprised.
You've never shown any interest in politics before.
Yeah, I know I don't know.
It just came to me out of nowhere.
I was sitting with a bunch of my friends, and they said, "Why don't you run?" And I said, "Are you kidding?" And then I thought, "Huh, I don't know.
It could be fun.
Sounds like a neat job.
" So I said, "What the heck," you know? (Steven chuckles) That's pretty much the way Reagan decided to run.
Let me tell you one thing, Mal: Don't take any, uh, political wisdom from Mom and Dad.
What is that supposed to mean? Let's face it politically speaking, you two are the kiss of death.
I mean, just look at the candidates you supported.
Uh, McGovern, Humphrey uh, Mr.
Excitement himself, Walter Mondale.
Those names sound so familiar.
Do they go to Grant? Look, Alex, we don't get involved in the campaigns just to win.
We do it because we feel deeply about certain political or or moral issues.
It would be nice to win occasionally.
Well, then, you should work on Mallory's campaign, 'cause she's going to win.
Everybody at school loves her.
She's really popular.
Skippy's my campaign manager.
(Alex chuckles) Well well, uh, no, you're you're well on your way.
I just thought Skippy could, uh, help me keep in touch with all the people at Grant that nobody talks to.
I'm close with them.
MALLORY: Wait, wait.
Listen listen to my fortune.
"Good fortune will soon smile on you.
" It's good luck for the campaign.
What does yours say, Skippy? "You have 15 minutes to live.
" How does this sound for a campaign slogan? - "Vote for Mallory.
" - Um We need something more direct, livelier.
How about just, "Vote"? That's-that's good, Skippy, but it doesn't say for who.
Well, you could stand next to the sign.
But I can't be everywhere at once.
Okay.
Maybe that's it.
"Vote for Mallory.
She can't be everywhere at once.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
Mallory, congratulations.
I heard you're running for president of Grant.
- That's great.
- Thanks.
- Too bad I can't vote for you.
- Aw.
What do you mean? Skippy, only students at Grant can vote in this election.
Oh, great.
Well, there goes my grandma's vote.
What's this, Mal, material for your campaign? Yes, Alex.
Don't look at it.
- You'll just make fun of it.
- ALEX: No! No, not at all.
No, I'm glad you're getting involved.
I'm interested.
What, uh what's your campaign platform? What's my platform, Skippy? We're trying to run a campaign here.
We don't have time to build a platform.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
- Hi, Amy.
- Hi, Alex.
Uh, this is Amy Sussman, Skippy's girlfriend.
- Amy, this is Lauren.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How you doing? - AMY: Sorry I'm late, guys.
Amy is my campaign treasurer.
- Hey, gang! - Well, well, it looks like we walked in on this big, executive campaign meeting.
Yeah.
Oh, you know, Mal, uh, maybe I can help you.
Uh, I don't want to brag, but I-I was president in college.
Really, Dad? You were president of your school? Well, not exactly the entire school.
I was, uh, president of the South Campus Aluminum Can Recycling Club.
(sighs) And a damn fine one, too.
Well, uh Excuse me, but if but if Mallory's going to win, she's going to need something more than a "give a hoot, don't pollute" platform.
Oh, I like that.
Can we use it, Mr.
Keaton? - Be my guest, Skip.
- Well, good-bye.
We're going to go pick Andy up at school.
Would you mind dropping me off at campus? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no, not at all, Lauren.
It'll give me time to, uh, tell you a little bit about the work I did as president of the recycling club.
Steven, I've heard that story a million times.
Sit in the back, Elyse.
You know, I had a little slogan, and I had a little magnet I think the first thing we need is a, uh a good campaign strategy.
Any ideas? I have a few ideas.
But first, I have a question.
What exactly is a campaign strategy? Well, a campaign strategy is a (softly): Alex I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's your campaign.
You guys run with it.
Go ahead, Mal.
Uh a campaign strategy, huh? What's something that you really believe in? Like, uh, more study hours, hard work, good grades.
No, not those.
Well, what, then? Well, I guess I feel that the students should have more of a say in what goes on at Grant.
Like, remember last year, out of the blue, all of a sudden, they took out the diet soda machine? And-and I said, "This is wrong.
" A lot of people a lot of people agreed.
There you go, Mal.
There you go.
That's good.
That's good.
That's something the students can get behind.
Diet soda? Well, it's not just diet soda, Mal.
It's-it's a vision that you stand for, uh, to make life easier and more pleasurable for weight-conscious students.
"Vote for Mal, go low-cal.
" Look, Alex, I don't know if I can get the soda machine put back in.
And I don't want to make promises I can't keep.
Well, you have no place in politics.
Well, I'll tell you I'd vote for someone who could get that soda machine back.
There you go, Mal.
There you go.
I can feel the groundswell starting.
SKIPPY: I'll tell you something else.
I miss the low-fat chocolate milk with the twisty straws.
Who doesn't? Who doesn't? I can feel it, Mal.
You're going to win this thing.
I do have another idea about changing the color of the drapes in the student center.
I like it.
It's hip.
It's fresh.
It's contemporary.
It's what the people want.
I'm telling you, Mal, there's only one ingredient missing here for a winning campaign.
Let's see, we've got diet soda, chocolate milk and drapes.
What's she missing? Oh, Alex, I don't know.
- I'm nervous about this.
- Oh, come on, Mal.
You've got nothing to worry about.
It's the first day on the campaign trail.
Let's go out there and let's get 'em, huh? Remember our platform? "Confidence, diet soda and new drapes.
" All right, let's go.
(Alex clears throat) Hi there.
Hello.
Hi.
Uh, I'd like you to meet Mallory Keaton, uh, candidate for student government president.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How-how how's your sandwich? Not bad.
MALLORY: Oh.
It looks a little dry.
I bet you could use a diet soda to go with that.
I hate diet soda.
MALLORY (quietly): What do I do? - Try the drapes, try the drapes.
- Oh.
Don't you think we could use some new drapes in here? I mean, these are so ugly.
My mother made those drapes.
Alex, why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I just put up posters, pass out buttons and take my chances? Because you want to win, okay? And you're going to win.
Trust me.
Trust me.
I've got every detail worked out.
(coughs loudly) Look, honey.
It's Mallory Keaton, our choice for student government president.
She looks just like she does on these buttons.
And these posters.
Mallory, is it true that you're planning on getting a new soda machine for the snack bar? And low-fat chocolate milk with twisty straws? Well, I was thinking about it.
Alex, what's going on? (whispering): Mallory, it's me, Skippy.
(door opens) Hey! Where is a guy supposed to get a diet soda around this place? And a room with some decent drapes? Well you raise a fine point, young man.
You know you know, Grant College is in desperate need of new, fresh leadership.
Hey, you are damn right, you know, and I don't even go to school here.
Alex, what's going on? Hey, Mal, it's me, Nick.
(clears throat) Excuse me, did you say something about a soda machine? Yes, she did.
Yes, she did.
Uh, have you seen Mallory's position paper? Alex, I haven't seen my position paper.
Look at this: "If elected, Mallory Keaton promises to put an end to pop quizzes.
" (students murmuring) - What? - If you like that if you like that, try number three.
"Frequent flyer bonus miles for commuting students.
" (students whoop, murmur) We can't do that.
Oh, come on, look at these people.
They're delirious.
They'll do anything for you.
Just go with it.
Go with it.
"Free trips to Hawaii for all students with passing grades in two or more subjects!" (students exclaim loudly) - Alex! - Yeah! Don't worry about it! The plane will be empty.
STUDENTS (chanting): Mallory! Mallory! Mallory! Mallory! Mallory! Mallory Hey! What have you got there, Andy? A poster for Mallory's campaign.
Alex asked me to hang it up in the kitchen.
Uh-huh, well, what is it, uh Well it's good to see the campaign has brought out Alex's sense of fairness.
Yeah.
Mallory wasn't even on the first poster.
- Hi, guys.
- ELYSE: Hi, honey.
- Oh, did you, uh? - I'm so t Oh, great! He finally put my picture on it.
Mm-hmm.
Where have you been, honey? Oh, all over.
Alex has the Keaton campaign trail fully booked.
I was over on campus this morning passing out campaign buttons to people in the infirmary.
Alex said I should get them in a weakened state.
And then I was over at the snack bar passing out little mustard packets with "Let Mallory spice up your life" printed on 'em.
Oh, here are some extras.
Here you go.
- Oh, boy.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
And then, uh, we finished it off with a lengthy stint on the Keaton campaign truck.
- The Keaton campaign truck? - Mm-hmm.
MAN (over loudspeaker): Mallory Keaton for Grant College student presidency.
Mallory's campaign manager, Alex P.
Keaton! ("The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays, crowd cheering) I want to see it! I want to talk through the microphone! Come on, Andy.
We'll go take a look.
(door closes) Are you enjoying the campaign? It's tiring, but it's fun.
I mean, I've been speaking in public.
I've met everyone on campus.
And I've I've had a chance to really listen to people and find out what they're thinking.
What are they thinking? Well, some are thinking about their future, and some are concerned about academics, and some are just sort of staring straight ahead.
- Well, that sounds great.
- Yeah.
It's a good experience for you.
Well, I-I think it's nice.
You know, it's a chance for you and Alex - to get to work together again.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, you you haven't worked together since well well, since you did that, uh When did they work together, Steven? Alex and Mal? Oh, well, uh, let's see.
There was, um let's see.
There was, uh So this is the first time you've worked together, huh? Yeah.
It's been great.
We're getting along really well.
We haven't been fighting at all.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
I mean, particularly knowing Alex, you'd think that he'd be, you know M-A-double L-O-R-Y.
That spells "Mallory.
" going overboard.
Well, Mal, we've got that new campaign poster.
I think it's going to add a new dimension to the campaign.
MAN (over loudspeaker): Mallory Keaton for Grant College student presidency.
ANDREW (over loudspeaker): If you don't vote for my sister, I won't vote for your sister.
Hi, Mom and Dad.
Come out and see.
I'm driving! (phone ringing) Keaton campaign headquarters.
Uh, just a second.
Uh, Alex, command post number seven checking in.
Yeah, hi, command post number seven.
Did you get those posters up at Delaware Hall yet? Well listen, Jennifer.
I don't I don't care if you're tired.
Okay, give me command post number six, will you? Yeah, Andy yeah, light a fire under your sister, will you? - Thanks.
- Uh-uh.
Command post number six, it's almost time for bed.
Alex, Alex, shouldn't I be doing something? - I mean, I am the candidate.
- Absolutely.
Why don't you go over your acceptance speech? Oh.
"This is truly a glorious day for freedom-loving people everywhere.
" Alex, I only promised them a soda machine, not a revolution.
Could we tone it down? Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Mom, um "This is truly a glorious day for carbonated beverage-loving people everywhere.
" Alex, if I'm elected president, I'm going to have to start making some of my own decisions.
Uh, what what do you mean, Mal? I'm saying things that would not normally come out of my mouth.
That's because they're coming out of my mouth.
Alex, I don't know if I just want to be a puppet.
Oh! Oh, suddenly puppet's not good enough for you.
It just doesn't feel like me.
Look, Mal, we've come this far together.
Once you're president, you can do whatever you want.
But for now, please, trust me, okay? - SKIPPY: Alex.
- Hi.
- Hey, where were you guys? - We went to vote.
Yeah, well, what took so long? I got stuck in the voting booth.
I couldn't get those little curtains to open up.
I tried to help him out, and I got stuck in there myself.
- Hey.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hey.
Hey.
- Oh, hi, Nick.
Hey! I, uh, got you these for good luck.
Oh, thank you.
That's sweet.
It was no big deal, you know.
Besides, if you get elected president, then I'll be the first lady of Grant College.
I'm sure they'll use that in all the brochures.
Hey, uh, nothing for the campaign manager? Just this.
No flowers? Nothing? If you win.
JENNIFER: Alex, quick, turn on the radio! They're announcing the election results! ELYSE: Oh! - STEVEN: Come on, Andy.
- NICK: Hey! - Nervous, Mal? - Oh, a little bit, but I'm excited, too.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: This is WGRW, the voice of Grant College.
Grant College conveniently located near all major highways.
Just get to the results.
We don't have the final totals just yet in today's student government presidential election.
Ah, what what, are you having trouble counting the votes? ANNOUNCER: We're having a little trouble counting the votes.
It's not that the votes aren't in; it's just that we're having trouble counting them.
Well, we finally got this sorted out! The new president of Grant College is Marsha Elkins.
ALL: What?! ANNOUNCER: Marsha Elkins.
(all groan) Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Mal, you were great, really.
You tried (murmuring, applause) Speech! Speech! Oh.
Well, thanks, everybody, for your support.
You know, you really worked hard, and it means a lot.
Thanks to everyone who voted for me, and thanks to my family and and my brother and campaign manager, Alex P.
Keaton.
STEVEN: Yeah.
(applause) He taught me to strive hard and do my best, and who, I'm sure, would want me to be gracious in defeat.
Marsha Elkins that idiot! I demand a recount.
I demand a recount.
I'm sorry you didn't win, Mal.
Oh, thanks.
I'm fine, though.
It's really no big deal.
Oh, that's easy for you to say.
Your mother and I thought we were finally going to win an election.
Alex says, "If you want to win, you have to vote Republican.
" Go back to sleep.
ELYSE: Alex, where were you? Oh, I was over at the math department trying to get the final tally on the vote.
Took a while because they were counting on their fingers.
Anyway, uh, they were right.
You lost by 103 votes.
We're proud of you, honey.
Takes a lot of courage just to run.
And I know how hard you tried, Mal.
I, uh I've never mentioned this before, but the first time I ran for president of the South Campus Aluminum Can Recycling Club I lost.
It was to Warren McCracken.
Uh, the-the interesting thing about Warren, he he had a nose for aluminum.
He he could spot an aluminum can at Give it up, Dad.
You know, Mal, this election is not over by a long shot.
First thing in the morning, I'm going back to that campus and I'm going to demand another recount.
Another recount? Why? Because, Mal, there were numerous voting irregularities there.
I know.
I committed them.
Look, Alex, it's over.
I mean, I-I-I ran, I tried hard, and-and I lost, and that's it.
Why did you do it? I mean, why did you suddenly get so involved with my life? I don't know, Mal.
I don't know.
I guess, um I guess I-I I just finally saw something we could do together.
I mean, something we had in common.
I just I just wanted to jump at the chance to do it.
Pretty soon, we're not going to be living under the same roof together anymore.
Are you trying to tell me that you're moving out? Don't get too excited, Mal.
I'm trying to be sensitive here.
Oh, sorry.
Anyway, the fact is, um, pretty soon, we we may not be seeing each other that much.
I mean, uh, I'm going to graduate, marry Lauren, get a job on Wall Street, move to New York.
Well, I'm going to graduate, marry Nick and get a job in the fashion industry and move to New York.
You aren't going to live uptown, are you? Downtown.
- Well, there you go.
- Yeah, right.
We won't be seeing Anyway, I just wanted to make the most of the last times we have together.
Well, you know, it's funny, Alex.
Any any time we try to do something together, it turns out to be a disaster.
No.
No, that's not true.
That's not true.
We've had some very good times together.
You remember when we were kids? Saturday mornings, okay? Mom and Dad would sleep late.
And we'd come down at 6:30 in the morning in our pajamas.
Right, exactly.
Uh, I was five, and you were about seven.
Um, I'd start breakfast, and you'd go down in the driveway and get the Wa// Street Journa/.
Mom and Dad would always leave out that box of granola, - 'cause they didn't want us to eat sugared cereals.
- Right.
We used to go over to Skippy's and get Fruit Loops.
You'd think they'd notice we had the same box of granola for 12 years.
Oh, you know when else we had fun? Uh, remember when Mom and Dad finally decided we could stay home without a babysitter? And we'd make popcorn and watch TV? And we were supposed to be in bed, asleep by 11:00, and we were too scared to turn out the lights? No, I I wasn't scared.
Alex, you used to cry until Mom and Dad came home.
I missed them.
So we'd we'd go up to my room and talk, and and I'd tell you which boys I liked in school, and you'd tell me which ones had the best earning potential.
And look who you wound up with.
Yeah.
We don't talk like that anymore.
It's too bad.
Well, it's an interesting thing, you know.
I mean I mean, I can argue politics with Dad or, uh, discuss family stuff with Mom.
Or discuss economics with Jennifer.
But you you understand my emotional side better than anybody.
Really? I didn't think you even had one.
Come on.
Remember the night after Ellen left for Paris? You stayed up all night, you know, talking to me and listening to me.
You understood.
Well, I'll never forget those nights you stayed up trying to teach me long division.
You got a concussion from banging your head against the wall.
I still don't understand it.
You know, I'm going to look back on life in this house, and I'm going to remember those mornings.
And I'm going to remember the nights babysitting.
And I'm going to remember tonight.
Me, too.
(Alex grunts) Sorry about the election, huh? We'll get 'em next year.
Oh, not a chance.
- I got an idea.
- What? I have an idea.
Tomorrow morning, we'll wake up just like we used to.
We come down in our pajamas, and we make breakfast.
Granola is still here.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)