It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e11 Episode Script

Frank, I'd like to thank you for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime.
Whatever.
I hope they have some cool, exotic creatures for us to fiddle around with and play with.
Dennis, we're going to an animal rights event.
- There's gonna be all sorts of exotic creatures there.
- You think so? Better have some cool stuff at this thing.
I mean, the money I laid out for this charity, they could have built a zoo.
Yeah.
Actually, guys, zoos are animal prisons.
I've been boning up on my animal rights literature so I can have some talking points with Chase.
He's a big animal rights lover, and he's gonna be there.
Security is not gonna let you go anywhere near Chase Utley, bro.
Those creepy letters you've been writing him? You've gotta be on a list somewhere.
What are you giving me shit for, okay? - Dee's the one going after Ryan Howard all of a sudden.
- Well, so what? Why is that weird? That makes perfect sense.
- I'm a hot, single lady.
He's a hot, single man.
- Hot? Dee, you're pregnant as shit.
- Frank, this shortcut sucks.
- It ain't a shortcut.
Well, why in the hell are we in the woods? Get on the A.
C.
Expressway.
- It goes straight to Atlantic City.
- I'm avoiding tolls.
Okay, hold on a second.
You're willing to shell out tons of money for a charity and you can't spare a couple bucks for a toll road? What do you want me to do, give all my money to some toll jockey? - Yeah! - Just for riding on a street? - Squirrel! - What? Oh, thank God.
That was close.
Why did you do that, Mac? Goddamn it! You almost ran over that squirrel, Frank.
So you should've let me mash it.
It's just a dumb-ass squirrel.
Hey, do not say stupid shit like that tonight at the animal rights event.
But I can't wait to make my speech.
I'm gonna get up there and lace into these liberal nut jobs.
What? I thought you loved animals now.
No.
I only donated all this money so I could make a mockery of their cause.
Animals should be food, rugs and trophies.
- Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit? - Are you? Is that leather? - You bet your ass it's leather.
- Huh.
I just assumed it was plastic.
- Who wears a plastic suit? - I don't know, Frank.
But I don't question the things you do anymore.
Listen, I'm gonna call us a tow truck and get us out of here.
I'm not getting any bars though.
You getting any bars, Frank? I got nothin'.
What gives? - What gives is that we're in the middle of goddamn nowhere.
What happened? Are we in A.
C.
? No, we're not in A.
C.
because Mac wrecked the car, and now we're stranded somewhere.
Oh, man! "Come to Atlantic City," you said.
"Let us tie you up and put a sack on your head so you don't freak out.
That'll be a good adventure," you said.
Well, I'm freaking out a little bit.
Relax.
Relax, Charlie.
This is gonna be a great adventure.
This is exciting.
This is the unknown.
This is all part of it, man.
Well, it ain't a great adventure to me.
Riding on a private jet, sipping champagne - that's an adventure.
Then why didn't you fly us in a private jet to A.
C.
? It's only 80 miles.
You know how quick that trip would be? It'd be a total waste of money.
This is why I don't leave Philly.
You leave Philly, and bad shit happens.
I mean, trees? Everywhere trees? What the hell is this place? - I'm hitching a ride back home.
- Calm down, Char - Let's all walk, and we'll find some help, okay? I'm not walking, 'cause I got a baby on board, my feet hurt.
I'm not going anywhere 'cause this suit is, like, chafing me up like crazy.
Oh, Jesus.
All right.
Mac and I and Charlie will go find some help.
Okay? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Except I'm not gonna go.
- I'm gonna hang back and oil up my glove.
- Your glo - What is your endgame in this? I'm gonna have a catch with Chase Utley.
- Chase Utley is not gonna have a catch with you.
- Come on.
Come on.
Don't you say that, Charlie! Don't you say that! Listen.
We're gonna find help.
- Hurry.
- Hurry up, guys.
Hurry up.
'Cause I got to get to Chase.
Does the air taste weird out here, or is it just me? No.
It's just you.
Listen, I know you have a lot of anxiety going on right now.
But you gotta understand, we're both in uncharted waters here.
Wouldn't you say? But listen, you would consider me a pretty methodical person, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, like a serial killer.
Serial killer.
I like that.
I like that.
- It's a little bit of an exaggeration, but I see your point.
- Yeah.
And I like it.
I take it as a compliment.
Well, listen, sometimes even I can't control everything.
So when a new experience presents itself to me I try to stay open to it and just say yes.
- Say yes, huh? - Yeah.
Hey, let me show you something.
Let me show you something.
- Look.
- Huh.
- You wearing makeup? - Well, I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation.
But that's not the point.
What do you see there? Oh, shit! You got a lesion, dude.
No, it's not - That's not a lesion.
It's a hickey.
You never seen a hickey? No, I have.
Eew! Weird! I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.
Oh, no, they don't.
Young ladies do though.
And I met an extremely young lady the other day, and she gave me this hickey.
- Weird! - No, she was legal.
She was totally legal.
I always check their licenses.
That's not the point.
The point is, how did I meet this young woman? Well, I got caught unexpectedly in a rainstorm one day, so I retreated into a local theater.
There I caught a matinee.
And during this matinee, I saw this young woman.
I introduced myself.
We both got caught up in the moment, we said yes to the new experience and that's how I wound up with this wonderful and very sexual hickey.
- Huh.
- You see what I'm saying about adventure, Charlie? Yeah, you always say yes to everything.
Well, no, I don't always say yes.
That's absurd.
I'd be a dead man, wouldn't I, if I said yes to everything.
- Oh, shit, dude.
Look at that truck right there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you think there's someone in there? - Well - What do we say in this scenario, Charlie? We say yes.
Hiya.
Sorry to wake you up there.
Sorry.
What do you want? Our car broke down a little ways back.
We were hoping maybe you could help us out.
I could radio that in and get you a tow truck, but I'm about to hit the road myself.
- You can always hitch a ride with me.
- Oh.
Where you headed? Atlantic City.
You got any munchies in the car? I'm grumbling.
No, Frank, we don't have anything in the car because we were starving ourselves for the casino buffet.
It was only supposed to be a 45-minute drive.
I gotta eat pretty soon.
I'm starting to get woozy.
Yeah, I'm starting to get woozy too.
I've been starving myself for a few days for Chase.
What? I wanted to create that sort of gaunt, angular look with my cheekbones to impress him.
You know, give myself a more athletic look.
But - I'm starving.
All right, let's jump into the forest and we'll find some food there.
Holy shit balls! It's a rabbit! Whoa, whoa! Frank, no! We are not killing any animals, okay? Screw that.
I'm hungry.
It's wabbit season.
Okay, fine.
Dee, come with me.
I'm gonna find us something to eat.
Where are you, wabbit? I'm gonna get you, wabbit.
Oh.
There you are.
What the hell? Wabbit, where'd you go? Shit! How'd you do that? Why are you staring at me? Why are you giving me that look? Whoa.
We're having a moment here, aren't we? You boys are, uh, awfully dressed up.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, the tuxes.
Sure, yeah, well, we're on our way to Atlantic City for a charity event.
You kind of threw me with those outfits.
Don't usually find lot lizards out in the wild.
You know what? I'm a little behind on my trucker terms.
A lot lizard would be a, uh - A lizard.
You know.
Truck stop whores.
I mean - - Oh! - Oh! - No offense.
No, man, none taken, because we're not whores.
- No, no, we're not prostitutes.
- Definitely not a lizard.
Hey, hey.
Shh.
Hey.
Your secret's safe with me.
Don't worry too.
I'm not a cop.
- We're not - - I'm not gonna judge you neither.
A man's gotta make a living, and looking the way you do I'm not surprised.
- I'm not surprised.
- Oh, I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
- But again, not prostitutes.
- Not lizards though.
Save your seduction for someone else.
I do not tangle with lizards no more.
No.
Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged.
Hell - I would've let you turn me into Swiss cheese.
I would've let you make me, uh - make me into a mailbox.
Just open the slot and put whatever you want inside.
- Wow.
- We wouldn't do that.
- Not no more.
I got a wife now.
So I will not suck you, and I will not be sucked on by you.
Okay? That's it.
That's a 10-4.
Yeah, we read you loud and clear.
And just to reiterate, we don't suck on people.
We own a bar.
- You run a bar? Oh, I'm sure you do.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure you do.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
How far are we from Atlantic City? Is it a long ride, or - We're a long way from Atlantic City, a long way.
- Still got a ways, huh? - Yeah.
It's grass, Mac.
You're eating grass.
- I see Charlie eating grass all the time, okay? - Oh, really? Okay, well, Charlie is not an example of good health, so - Look, Charlie is a survivor.
All right? And that's the way we have to think - eat anything to survive.
Eew.
What is that? That's a dead crow.
Well, I'm definitely not eating that.
Wait, wait, whoa.
Why not? Because it is a disgusting dead bird, that's why.
You eat dead chickens and dead turkeys all the time.
- That's so hypocritical.
- Okay, that's not hypocritical.
People eat chickens and turkeys.
Nobody eats a crow.
It's a trash bird.
You know what I do think? I think we're gonna give this crow a proper burial.
Well, I'm not gonna do that.
But what I will do is use it as bait.
Ooh! What if we hide in the bushes and then we wait for something higher on the food chain to come along and grab it and then we grab that and eat it.
- That's a good idea.
I'm gonna go to the car - - I'm not doing that.
No! I'm gonna go to the car, get a blanket then we can pick up this trash bird with it, and we'll do my plan.
- I'm not helping you.
- That's all right.
I'll do it myself.
- I'll eat alone.
- I'm gonna find Frank.
- I'm gonna get him on my team, okay? - Good.
Frank? Hey, Frank, where are you, bro? Oh, there you are.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Mac, I'm having a thing with this rabbit here.
Whoa, dude! He's staring right at you.
We've been staring at each other for 10 minutes.
I-I- He's not afraid of me.
He's looking at me like he knows me.
He's looking at me like he can see right through my soul.
He probably can, dude.
That is the connection between man and beast.
Animals can see souls.
That is a fact of nature.
No! Deandra, what the hell are you doing? It's cool, you guys, I got it.
I got it.
We can eat.
- We can't eat the rabbit.
He's got my soul.
- What are you talking about? They had a moment, Dee.
They shared a connection.
I know it's cute, you guys, but, come on, this isn't about us anymore.
I got to feed the baby.
Mac, grab it by the head and wring its neck off.
I would rather grab your head and wring your neck for wanting to kill this rabbit, all right? You want to eat it so bad, you kill it.
Fine.
I will kill it.
I'll kill it, and I'll eat it myself.
- I'm gonna kill the shit out of it.
- Don't.
Okay.
This is us right here.
Atlantic City.
Great.
Yeah, thanks- No.
We were hoping to be dropped off at a casino though.
This is just a motel.
I know.
I thought we would slip into a room and you could check my oil.
Oh.
No.
Um, what happened, man? - I don't know.
- No, I'm sorry.
I- No.
Shoot, hell, maybe I knew I wanted it when I-I gave you the ride.
- No, no, no, no.
You're better- Byron.
- Yeah! - Remember you changed? - Byron, you've changed.
You don't want this kind of thing anymore.
- No, I do want this kind of thing.
- No, you don't.
You would not suck me and you would not, um - Be sucked by me.
- Be sucked by us! - I take that back.
I don't mean that.
- You can't take that back! - No take backs! - I didn't mean any of those things.
Look, think about your wife.
Remember, you said you love your wife.
- I do, I do, I do.
I do, but - - Good.
I got cash in my pocket, I got desire in my heart and I'm a-frothin' and a-foamin', and I was thinking - Hey.
Hey.
I got an idea.
What do you say we slip into a room and you two split me open like a coconut? - Oh.
- Dennis, what do we say in this situation? - We say no! We're gonna say no in this situation.
- Why? No! Why? Uh, it's just a - - Oh, my God, dude! - Look at that! Should've locked my damn door.
Should've locked the door.
Well, that was definitely an adventure, huh? Yeah, well, sometimes the adventures aren't always good ones.
Yeah, but I said yes to the new experience.
Right? I'm out of Philly, I'm alive, and I'm not afraid of truckers anymore.
Well, if anything, you should be more afraid of truckers now, but I do see your point.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna try and get in touch with the guys, okay? Aw, shit.
Dude, I left my jacket in the truck.
I had everything in that jacket.
It had all my money.
It had my phone.
- Do you have any money? - Uh, yeah, it's all right there.
- I put it all on black.
- What? - No, no, no, no, no! - Black wins! - Baby! - Oh, whew! God! - But that was lucky.
- Yeah, I know.
But you know what, dude? You were right.
I said yes to this little adventure, and I won.
- Would you like to bet again, sir? - Yes, I would.
- No.
No.
- Let it ride, please.
- What are you doing? - Dude, I am gonna say yes to everything! We can't say yes to everything.
That is all of our money, dude.
No, it's all my money.
You lost yours when you said no to the trucker.
Did you want to say yes to the trucker? Did you want to go bang the trucker in that motel? I don't know.
We say yes to the trucker, we go to the motel room he passes out and dies, we walk away with a free 18-wheeler.
Dude, we are gonna lose all of our money.
- Black wins again! - Oh, baby! Whoo! Yes! Yes, yes! Let it ride, please.
Let it ride.
Keep it coming.
Okay, okay, yeah, let it ride.
I want to bash you, bunny.
I want to give you one good bash and eat your sweet, delicious meat.
You can't kill the rabbit, Deandra.
It's got my soul.
It's got the man's soul, Dee.
Maybe I'll suffocate you.
I'll suffocate your rabbit face.
Then I'll just suck all the life out of it and then twist your neck and - Look, can we do this thing, for crying out loud? - Yes, absolutely.
- This is absolutely ridiculous, holding a funeral for a crow.
Yes, that's right, we are.
We are honoring its life.
- I want to say a couple words.
- Yes, please.
Uh, I've never been good to animals, wearing a leather suit and all.
And, uh, also, I kicked a dog in a subway once.
It was a real jerk move.
I'm really sorry I did it, and I like animals now.
- That was beautiful, Frank.
- Okay, where the hell are Charlie and Dennis? - I feel like they're not coming back for us.
- They're coming back, okay? Guys, let's just do the right thing.
Good night, sweet prince.
Oh, God, you- you've gotta be kidding me.
Come on.
# Ave Maria # Are you kidding me? - I mean, I never thought I would hold $15,000.
- That's amazing, bro.
Listen, I thought I was teaching you today.
Let me tell you something, my friend.
You were teaching me.
- I know.
Look at all this amazing food.
- Oh, I'm starving.
- I mean, they've got stuff I've never even seen before.
- Yeah.
What is that? Hi there.
You two are with the Reynolds party, yes? Yeah.
Yes.
- Is one of you Frank? - Oh, actually, uh - Yes.
Hi, Mr.
Reynolds.
I'm Deborah.
We spoke on the phone.
Yes.
Yes! Well, now, I know you'd like to say a few words.
Is it all right if we have you up to speak now? - Uh - - Yes, it is.
- Great.
Well, come on.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Mr.
Reynolds here is one of our largest new donors.
Well, it's donors like him that makes our work for animals possible.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am Frank Reynolds.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes, yes.
"Yes.
" That's the word I want to talk about.
- But first, let's talk about animals.
- Yes.
If animals have taught me anything it's that you can easily die, and very quickly, under a bus and on the side of the road.
- Yes.
- Okay? So you have to live in the now.
Live in the now! I'm gonna live in the now right now.
I'm gonna donate another $5,000 to this charity right now.
Oh! Oh! That's a - Oh, you- That's too generous.
- This is for the rats! - Take it easy.
All right.
Oh! For the rats, people.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I'm done.
- Good, good.
- Uh, Mr.
Reynolds, there's one more thing.
Per your request, we were able to arrange a surprise night for your friend with two true all-stars of our organization - Chase Utley and Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies.
Oh! - Hi.
- Mac, right? Uh, yes.
I hear you're my number one fan.
Yes, I am.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up, brother? All right.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
All right, let's get crazy.
- Let's get crazy.
- Let's get nuts, you guys.
# I had a friend was a big baseball player # # Back in high school # # We went back inside, sat down # # Had a few drinks # - And you got a, uh - - Please don't touch me.
# But all he kept talkin ' about was glory days # # Yeah, they'll pass you by Glory days # I'm gonna need some more of that.
# In the wink of a young girl's eye # # Glory days # - I got it.
- Let's get a drink.
- # They'll pass you by # - No Mets fans! - Get out of here.
- No Mets fans! What are you thinking, coming in here, man? - Is it cool? - It's cool.
All right.
# Glory days # # Well, all right # # Ooh, yeah # - # Well, all right # - # All right # Yeah! - # Ooh, yeah # - # Oh, yeah # - # All right # - # All right # # All right # Guys, guys, calm down.
You're gonna hurt each other.
- Huh? - No, we're good, man.
We're just having fun.
I just saw you bite that dude.
- Yeah, it was a - - He took a bite.
It was a fair bite.
Yeah, he knew I could bite him a little bit.
Man, come here and wrestle with us, dude.
- You guys are wasted, man.
Let's wrestle.
- Yeah, you're wasted.
- No, we're not.
- You're not wasted? No, no, we're completely sober.
But you guys drank a lot though.
- Yeah.
- You guys drank more than anybody I've ever seen.
- Oh, really, dude? - Whoo! - Good work, Charlie.
Yeah! - That's what we do.
That's kinda what we do, man.
We just drink.
Well, you know, it's been great, fellas, but we're gonna take off now.
- Oh! - Really? You guys gonna go? Yeah, you guys try not to hurt anybody tonight, okay? - No, no, no, we're good, dude.
- Nah, dude, nah.
No, we're - - Get off me though, for real.
- Okay.
- You guys take care, okay? - All right! Whoo! Boy, that was a hell of a night, man.
Hell of a night, man.
- Hey, how much money do we have left? - 10,000 bucks.
I got an idea how we can spend that shit.
Champagne! Champagne! Champagne! - Champagne! - Here we go, gentlemen.
- Hey! Thank you, Penelope.
- There it is! Champagne! - Oh, it's tearing me up inside.
- What? - What? What's going on, Frank? What are you doing? I ate the crow.
- What- What'd he say? - What? I ate the crow.
- Why? - I dug it up last night.
I thought it would taste like chicken, but I was wrong.
- Oh, my G - - I think I got to go to a hospital.
All right.
All right, look.
They're clearly not coming back for us, okay? I think we gotta start walking.
Goddamn.
Oh, man.
Seriously, I'm gonna be sad when this is all over.
Yeah, well, all good adventures must come to an end at some point.
All good things are ending.
I shouldn't still be drinking.
- Hey.
- Mm-hmm? I just thought of one last thing that would be awesome.
Give me your phone.
Oh - Oh, this is gonna be - This is gonna be awesome, dude.
This is gonna be great.
Look at- Yeah! I know, it feels like we're walking a lot here, bunny.
But as soon as we get back to the bar you can have as many carrots as your little heart desires.
Dee, first you wanted to kill it and now you're bringing it back to the bar? Yeah.
I named him Peter Peter Nickel-Eater.
'Cause last night in the car he tried to eat a nickel.
It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
I say you bash its brains in right now.
I'm done liking animals.
This crow is eating me alive! Frank, you are sick because you ate rancid, maggot-filled meat, not because of animals.
And, Dee, you've got to set that rabbit free.
- Really? - Yes! It needs to live in the wild where it can be free and safe in the loving embrace of Mother Nature, okay? Trust me, Peter Nickels-Eater is gonna be much happier.
Yeah, all right.
You're right.
Okay, buddy, I love you, but go back to your family now.
- Go on.
- Okay.
See? He's happier already.
He's gonna go back to his mother and father, and he's gonna have a wonderful life.
Goddamn it.
- Goddamn it! - Okay, nature is bullshit.
- I'm done with this.
- I told you animals suck.
Okay- Wait.
Was that a text? - You getting reception? - Yes, I guess I'm getting reception.
I just got a text.
- Oh, it's from Dennis.
- Oh.
I think he sent me a picture.
No.
No! Oh! You guys! You guys, a car! - No.
- Hey! - Hi-yo! Oh-oh-oh, we're saved! - Hey! Hey! Oh, good.
Hey there! Y'all need a ride? - Yes.
Yes.
- Yeah! Must be hot, huh? Oh! Hey, you! Mr.
Hottie! Come on now.