Orange Is the New Black s06e11 Episode Script
Well This Took a Dark Turn
[cell door slams.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[indistinct chatter over TV.]
So this is what you do? You promise endless shrimp, then disappear all night? Leave me sitting around, getting sick off your fucking nana's endless farts? Like you ain't got a phone or nothing? Huh? Yeah, air that shit out.
Stink like she already dead in the inside.
Then she got the balls to say I smell like a prostitute.
Ricky.
It's time for fresh air, okay.
You've been cooped up too long.
I'll be right inside.
You're not gonna say nothing? I sat here not knowing whether you was dead or fucking somebody.
I knew that company was corrupt.
Do you have any idea what could happen to me if I got caught with this? I don't know.
That shit ain't mine! I should have known.
Once a felon, always a felon.
At least someone's making fucking money here.
'Cause you ain't making shit.
I got kids in the system! How am I supposed to fit them in this tiny-ass place? They're fucking big! Are you seriously still attacking me? After you used me as a goddamn drug mule? You're provoking me.
I'm provoked.
Stupid-ass me, fallin' for a loser CO who's afraid to make real money.
I am not a loser.
Oh, no? You a nine-to-five rent-a-cop.
Hanging out with your loser coworkers like they're your friends, eating donuts and playing stupid fucking games all day.
You get paid to sit in a prison.
That's what you want to do with your life? Until you're 60 and fat and still broke as shit? My job has a great retirement package, okay? And people respect me.
[Nana.]
Ricky, I plotched again.
I need a new Depends.
And bring the wipes.
You heard her.
Go change her shitty diaper, nana's boy.
[Nana.]
Ricky! Enjoy the rest of your loser life.
[Nana.]
Ricky! [door slams.]
[Nana.]
Ricky! [Piper panting.]
Yes! Great hustle, guys.
Great hustle, everybody.
Against the wall for suicides.
Well, this took a dark turn.
It's a sprinting exercise.
You run to the three-point line and back, .
half court, back, full court, back - [Badison.]
No, no.
- Let's go.
[panting.]
Fuck all this running.
Kickball is 90% standing around.
[Piper.]
Wanna beat D-Block, we gotta get in better shape.
The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can start scrimmaging.
Or we can start scrimmaging right now.
Let's go.
Three-point line.
Yes, three-point line.
Unbelievable.
Chapman was supposed to be my secret weapon, but now all she's doing is distracting people from their drug addictions and unemployment.
- I thought that was a good thing.
- Mm.
Yes! All right, nice work, you guys.
Nice job.
Okay! Way to go.
[Suzanne.]
Um She doesn't look so good.
[retches.]
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh! [inmates laugh.]
[Badison.]
The fuck you laughin' at? You never seen anybody hurl before? I'm injured.
You all right? We could bury her alive with a flashlight and shovel, so she tries to dig her way out until she reaches the bulletproof mirror just below the surface where she is forced to bear witness to her slow, inevitable death.
Nah.
Frieda's a rat.
She likes burrowing.
I don't want her to enjoy any part of it.
Jesus! Whatever happened to body hair? If I wanted shaved legs, I'd date a woman.
I prefer smooth.
Dmitri has a back like a Yeti.
We could feed her feet first to an anaconda.
[chuckles.]
She does hate snakes.
Although I'm craving something a little more practical.
Practical isn't the game.
The game is fantasy murder.
What if we paid someone in Florida a large sum of money to slit her throat with a shiv? I give it four for creativity.
Four for creativity, sure, but ten for it's actually happening.
As in done deal.
[scoffs.]
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
What does it mean, this "bulltrue"? Is it an American thing? It's a me thing.
And it means that rat bitch, Frieda, will be dead by the end of the week.
Enough games.
Now, there's a face worth sitting on.
Huh? Yeah.
And then she barfed.
Looked kinda like this.
And I said, "Ding, ding, ding.
She must be the killer Carol sent to kill you, because she is barfy because she has nerves.
" Like that time I had to keep the secret of Grace's surprise party.
So then, I threw up in my backpack every day for a week.
And then on the candles.
[Frieda.]
Badison's too valuable.
Carol likes to use expendables to do her dirty work.
I definitely had my detective cap on, so no one else stood out.
Although, to be honest, they all seemed like criminals to me.
Could still be someone in here.
Someone crafty.
- Remember those Popsicle sticks we found? - I found, you stole.
The point is, a real detective suspects everyone, especially the ones you'd least suspect.
It might be somebody right under our noses.
Hey, y'all.
Anybody want my pudding? Been having this lactose issue lately.
- I'll take it.
- No, poison! You're cleaning that up.
[imitates gun firing.]
It was vacuum sealed, Sherlock.
Right.
Sorry.
Yeah, there's Looks like some got on my shoe.
If you just wanna dab that up.
[Frieda.]
You wanna be helpful? Go gather some intel.
Ask leading questions, like they do on TV.
Ah I'm gonna take a nap.
Don't you want me to bodyguard you while you sleep? Oh.
You do your best work in the field.
Now, get to it before the killer gets away.
Hey, there's a killer? Oh It's a whole thing.
It's a girl.
You see that "G" shape? That is a "G" for "girl.
" Plus, you've gotten uglier since we met.
Your little girl is trying to steal your beauty.
No, you're wrong.
The poop's wrong.
I already know it's a boy.
What makes you so sure? Did you boil a chicken heart while I wasn't looking? I gotta go with Miss Cleo on this one.
Your left boob, noticeably larger than your right boob.
So my money's on a tiny vagina.
Miss Cleo is Caribbean.
You are racist.
[Nicky.]
Okay, my bad.
By the way, I heard some rats squeaking over by the phone booth.
Might be the kids trying to Incredible Journey their way back home to you.
You might wanna go meet 'em halfway.
Nice try.
None of them survived the poison.
They told me in my dreams.
Next time, just ask me to leave.
That was too soon, Nicky.
All right, listen to me, Lorna.
We might be on the wrong side of history with this whole balls-deep-in-Barb thing.
What do you mean? All right.
Barb is pulling the trigger on Carol.
She's planning on whacking her whole posse tomorrow at the salon.
I don't see how waxing her whole pussy is gonna help kill Carol, but I am sure that Barb has a great plan, 'cause she is a very smart leader.
She has a very high IQ.
You got corn in your ears or something? Barb is going after Carol's whole gang, right? So Carol and Red are like the fuckin' Bobbsey Twins now.
If this goes down the way Barb wants it to, Red is gonna wind up with a mouth for a neck.
Maybe she should have thought about that before she climbed in bed with that evil, lying bitch, Carol.
Are you being serious? I mean, I know you love a bandwagon, but this is Red we're talking about.
Hey! This is a woman who protected you for years.
Who made you butter cookies after Christopher threatened to kill you.
She can't protect me anymore, Nicky.
And Vinnie says it's very important to have a powerful family to protect you.
Like the Gambinos or the Sopranos.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I have a baby to think about.
You don't understand.
'Cause you is not a mother.
You are right about that.
But you know who is, right? Red.
I don't know, Nicky.
Sometimes, I wonder whose team you're really on.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
I couldn't pass up the chance to tell you "Go fuck yourself" in person.
I understand you might harbor some resentment towards me.
I was hoping that maybe we could try and move past some of that.
Look, here it comes.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, Burset.
Please? I'm here to talk about Tasha Jefferson.
Tasha Jefferson? What she got to do with me? MCC is trying to put her away for life for something she didn't do.
And I think that you can help save her.
You got a minute.
Make it count.
I have met with nearly a dozen other inmates like yourself who suffered terrible injustices at the hands of MCC, and we're going public with a series of lawsuits.
Your horrific story of mistreatment can tip the scales.
We can change the whole narrative of Jefferson's trial with the publicity from this.
I see.
You wanna use my story to help her.
Where was this help when I was askin' for it? I know I screwed up when it came to you.
I made mistakes.
And that's a big part of why I'm doing this.
I want to stop MCC from treating people the way they treated you starting with Tasha Jefferson.
You and Taystee, y'all fucking? What? Oh, no.
No, no.
God, no.
No.
Don't act like that's a dumb question.
She was your secretary.
And everybody know you spend half the day with your hand down your pants.
All I ask is that you meet with the lawyer.
She thinks you have a very strong case.
Let her tell you why you're gonna win.
Not for my sake, but for Taystee's.
Is that some Pilates shit? I ain't never been able to find my core.
I think, instead of a core, I have more of, like, a soft center.
Hey, T.
I missed you at lunch today.
Your back still bothering you? It's killing me.
I'm broken.
Hey.
Well, you wanna play Six Degrees of Dr.
Dre? - Oh! - Get your mind off of it.
We been through every rapper in the game.
We both could use the distraction.
My trial starts tomorrow.
That's tomorrow? Damn.
"Damn" is right, so play with me.
Come on! - Fine.
- Okay.
All right, now, this one might be a little cray-cray, but I believe in you.
E-40.
- Stuck.
- [scoffs.]
- Cake.
- Okay, what? E-40 had that garbage single, "Savage," featuring Jazze Pha.
- All right.
- Who did a collabo with Snoop on "Double Tap," who was nominated for a Grammy for his work with Dre.
Okay, you got it.
"Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang" - That was a little easy.
- Thank you.
- You get four points.
- That's like ten Jefferson.
Is this your cell? - We was just - No, that's a shot.
Now out, before I drag you out.
[sighs.]
[sobs.]
[exhales deeply.]
Can we talk for a second? I got nothing to say to you.
- There's a lot of bad blood between us - Then why the fuck are you talking to me? I've been doing a lot of thinking.
A lot of praying, actually.
And I just wanted to tell you I forgive you.
Yeah? For what? For getting me ten more years.
You forgive me? After you robbed me of my one chance to see my son? Benny could have died.
My daughter's gonna be a teen by the time I get out.
Didn't seem worried about that when you was sticking flashlights up guards' asses.
You did that.
Not me.
I'm not that person anymore.
You think you're a different person 'cause you said a couple of fuckin' prayers? Let me save you a lot of time and frustration.
You were fucked up when God put you in this world, and you're still gonna be fucked up when he takes you back out.
Saying some prayers ain't gonna do shit.
So don't bother.
Now, you should step away before I do something stupid.
[grunts.]
- It's important to stretch after exercise.
- You and Badison playing nice? She's a little out of shape, with the recent stabbing and also she's out of shape, but she's got passion.
She's a vindictive psycho, and you unseated her as kickball queen.
Something tells me she's not the type to let that go.
Nothing to worry about.
I've got this under control.
Where have I heard that before? Hmm.
I can't remember, so I guess I'll just have to take your word for it.
Or you could come play with us, now that you're not handicapped anymore.
"Handicapped"? That's ableist.
Anyway, I'm preoccupied.
- Mmm.
I can see that.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
"Apply now and earn your business degree online in your spare time.
" I was curious.
I thought I could become a CFO by the time I'm out in four long, long, long years from now, when I'm further down the other side of the hill.
You will always be peaking in my eyes.
That's like your mother telling you you're beautiful.
It's nice and all, but At least you're thinking about our future, when we are both out of prison and we can wear pretty bras again.
I love it when you talk about sexy support garments.
This fucking application is giving me the stress sweats.
Is this shampoo or hooch? Can I use it? It's for blondes, but desperate times Don't think I don't know what you're doing.
Combing my hair? You like to come off all sweet with your big words and your natural-lookin' blonde hair, but I dealt with fake bitches like you before.
You may have gotten over on me with this kickball bullshit, but I got plans, too.
This is just kickball.
The only hustle here is around the bases.
Do I look like a fucking idiot? Let me explain how this works.
The C-Block bitches belong to me, and that's not gonna change because a couple of retards wanna call you captain.
So slow your roll before you get hurt.
Look, Madison, you don't know me very well, so let me enlighten you a little.
I've done the behind the back thing, the secret power grab thing, the gang thing.
I have done it all.
This? This is just kickball.
It's one small fucking thing that I can do to make this place a little bit nicer before I'm out in a few months.
So is it really so much to ask, that for this small amount of time that we have to be together, we get along, before you never have to see me again? - A few months, huh? - Mmm.
Well.
Interesting.
A lot can happen between now and a few months.
[chuckles.]
Maybe a guard finds drugs planted in your shoe.
Or you're forced to defend yourself and you end up in solitary.
Or maybe you wake up with a bloody shiv in your hand next to a dead body and there's cheese up your nose.
The possibilities are endless, really.
So if I were you, I wouldn't go send any postcards just yet.
[Piper yelps.]
[chuckles.]
See you at practice, captain.
[laughs.]
So, when you were escaped out of prison, were you ever hired to murder anyone? What? No.
We were just having fun, all right? Until it wasn't fun anymore.
You know how everybody has, like, a dark side and a light side? When it was light, it was cool.
But when he would get dark, I never knew how long the nighttime would last.
At least in here, there's a schedule.
That's how I knew I had to come back and finish my time.
And also kill Frieda.
Jesus, no! For the last time, I'm not the killer.
Don't you know the first suspect is too obvious? Don't you watch any cop shows? I did, but then I started getting these nightmares and I wasn't allowed to anymore.
Oh! Except for Inspector Gadget, but he dressed a little bit like this guy who pulled his pee-pee out at me at the book fair, and couldn't get into it after that.
Yeah, well, what you want to do is, as a detective, you wanna find your special gift, right? Like, are you OCD? Are you psychic? Are you good with human remains? Ah! You mean poop.
No, I was thinking bones.
But, come on, what are you good at? Asking people a lot of questions.
- Is that helpful? - Yes.
It's actually perfect.
Why don't you go around and ask people lots of questions, say "perp" a lot, and eventually you'll find out who the killer is.
I'm gonna need a sidekick too, right? So I can tell them what I'm thinking for the audience to hear? Hell, why not? Is this gonna take long? I got an overactive bladder.
[exhales sharply.]
Just a few more minutes.
Would you describe yourself as someone crafty? Well, I once made a sex toy out of a Pringles can, but the girth became an issue.
How long approximately would you say you've lived in this prison? Approximately, a long-ass time.
- Would you say you never forget a face? - Depends on the face.
[sighs and clicks tongue.]
She died.
So I've been patient with you because I'm a nice person, but my friend here, she ain't so nice.
No telling what she'll do if she loses her temper.
So why don't you answer my questions before she starts asking hers? I'm sorry, dear.
Did you say something? "Dear Asking for Our Friends, I'm worried that I might be basic.
I've always loved a seasonal latte.
I've made life decisions based on inspirational quotes from the Internet, and the movie The Sweetest Thing is literally my life.
Does that mean I'm basic?" Hmm.
That seems like a tough one.
I think you should take this one, Tova.
Basic seems like your area of expertise.
Sure thing, Flaca.
It's actually really simple, folks.
If you spend all day worrying about your makeup, even though you're locked up in a prison, you're basic.
If you secretly love Taylor Swift and think that everyone is so mean to her? Basic.
And if you write into radio shows to try and find out whether or not you might be basic? Sorry, boo, ya basic.
Well, you heard it from the expert herself.
The verdict is basic.
[chuckles.]
Have a think about your choices and we'll be back with more after this.
Stay tuned.
- [music playing faintly.]
- [Black Cindy.]
Oh! Good choice.
Love me a throwback.
[chuckles.]
[gasps.]
[groans in pain.]
Is it really that bad? You have no idea.
[Flaca.]
Back pain isn't about your back.
Dr.
Sarno says nothing like physical pain to distract you from your emotional fucked-upness.
Dr.
Sarno? Did you get that from a YouTube video or something? - I read it in O Magazine.
- Yeah.
The only way to fix it is to figure out what you did wrong and make it right.
Hey, Hopper.
Rough night? Your ex-con girlfriend keep you awake with an all-night fuckathon? - That is none of your business.
- [Luschek.]
Sounds like a no.
It's nothing a donut can't fix.
- [Hopper.]
I'm not in the mood.
- What? Donut Day is your favorite day.
I said I'm not in the mood.
What is all this anyway? Alvarez's ten-year anniversary at Max.
Technically, it was over the weekend if you factor in the leap years, but Ten years, that's a long time.
Congratulations, buddy.
[Alvarez.]
Thanks.
Actually, now that you're here, I wanted to wait for Ginger too, but I'm worried if I don't say this now, that I'll never say it.
"These past ten years have been the best ten years of my life.
There's some work places that can be boring, but working here is always exciting with the pranks, the inside jokes, the running bets and, of course, Donut Fridays.
I can't imagine a better way to have spent the last ten years of my life than being in this prison every day with such incredible friends, and I hope that I have at least ten more years at 'Lynchfield' in my future.
Thank you.
" Tough act to follow.
Better start writing, Hopper.
You're next.
What? No.
No, your counting's off.
- No way it's been ten years already.
- It has, actually.
I remember because I was here six months before I met you and made my first friend.
Coworker.
I'm your coworker, Al.
Hmm.
Well, this party makes me want to kill myself.
Oh, speaking of, I caught inmate Sagher trying to tie her sheets into a noose.
So if all goes well, there might be some changes to the scoreboard.
- Know what I mean? - [Blake.]
Listen to yourself.
This is a living, breathing human being we're talking about.
Not for long, though.
[Luschek.]
Mmm! Fuck it.
I'm done with this game.
Count me out.
[Luschek chuckles.]
Ooh.
Guess we'll have to divvy up his players.
Silver lining.
We should wait for Ginger.
Why? She's too far behind to catch up.
Save her a donut.
She'll be happy.
[Alvarez.]
Hopper? You wanna weigh in on this? Whatever.
[Barbara.]
Do you hear me? Hey.
Too late for a fourth-quarter substitution? Nicky, I thought you didn't approve of my plan.
I don't.
You know, I think it's risky, uh, and there are too many variables, which is why you're gonna need at least one sober person with a brain to make sure that things run smoothly.
Not that the rest of you don't seem like, you know, very intelligent people.
- I like where your head's at.
- Yeah.
And that smart mouth might come in handy if the guards start asking questions.
So after our CO radios the guard in the hall, you're only gonna have a few seconds to make your move.
Okay? Hutton, I need you to cause enough commotion to draw the ginger guard out and then the rest is up to you three.
You're gonna be legends after today.
No one leaves that room alive.
[Red.]
You get rubbed and I get gray.
Where's the justice? [Carol chuckles.]
[snores.]
[clears throat.]
[hairdryer whirs.]
Allergies.
[sighs.]
[coughs.]
[Nicky clears throat.]
Hey, Young.
Get over here.
[man over radio.]
Young, can you meet me outside D-Block? I got a situation.
You gotta call somebody else.
We may have a situation here.
[man over radio.]
Yeah, but [Young.]
That can't be good.
It could be fake.
Maybe we should see how it plays out.
Why? You tryin' to get stabbed? Protocol says she goes straight to protective Ad Seg till we figure it out.
I'll take her.
Copy.
Inmate Denning, your salon time is up.
Come with me.
Come with you where? Where I take you.
Let's go.
[woman over speakers.]
Who's a good girl? Hey, Ruthie, you want a treat? Who's Momma's good girl? Ruthie! Mommy loves you.
Hey, Ruthie! Ruth! Excuse me.
Why is Joseph Caputo's name on the inmate visitation list? Hmm Probably because he wrote it there before visiting an inmate.
And why would he visit inmates? I'm not sure, but he has been here all day.
Apparently, he's a real player.
Did you hear he's dating the warden? You [Suzanne.]
Yeah, I'm starting to think it might be a guard.
All the inmates we interviewed had pretty solid alibis.
[chuckles.]
That's impressive, considering the murder hasn't happened yet.
True.
Maybe we should start looking at a motive.
Look, this has been illuminating, really, but maybe you two should give it a rest.
[sighs.]
Yeah.
I mean, I'm at a loss.
The confused one, she didn't even know we were in a prison.
And the rich one, she couldn't even identify Frieda's face.
Yeah, but you drew a Popsicle with hair.
Yeah, wait a second.
The rich one? [Pennsatucky.]
There's a rich one who's rolling in commissary.
She's got, like, four radios.
That's basically surround sound.
And she's been eating black Doritos.
That's caviar flavored.
- Mind pointing her out to me? - [Pennsatucky.]
Yeah.
Getting ready to take the ladies to prayer group.
Aren't you coming? - Nah, I don't think so.
- But you always go.
It's hard to talk to God when all you can think about - is strangling some evil bitch.
- Yeah.
Probably not the kind of thing you tell a CO.
You know, I've been trying real hard to do the right thing, you know? Let Jesus take the wheel or whatever.
But I'm starting to think she's right.
And maybe, no matter what I do, I'll still be a piece of shit.
You know, one time when I was a kid, I almost killed a bird.
Threw a rock at it and broke its wing.
Mormon kids don't have too many outlets for their anger.
Anyway, I decided in that moment that I was a piece of shit.
I mean, I had basically killed it for no reason.
But then my mom made me take it in and nurse it back to health, and, a few weeks later, it healed and we let it go.
And I realized that I had saved its life.
Saved its life? But you're the reason why it almost died.
That's the point.
When I hurt it, I was a piece of shit.
But when I was healing it, I wasn't.
I don't get it.
God doesn't make good people or bad people.
That's a myth.
He just makes people.
Sometimes they do good things, sometimes not so good.
But the beauty is you get to wake up and choose every day.
As long as you're choosing to do the good things, then you're good.
What, are you some kind of preacher or some shit? Yeah, we all are, sort of.
Missionary work.
Anyway, you're not wearing your ID badge.
That's a shot.
Clear.
[McCullough.]
Hands against the wall.
Hands.
Clear.
Fucking Badison.
It ain't that bad.
I mean, you could shave one side since you gay.
You know, that's, like, the look for your people.
What is it about me? Well, for starters, you don't wear makeup and I've seen you get engaged to a woman No, no.
What is it about me that makes people want to fuck with me? - Can I be real with you? - Please.
[sighs.]
It's 'cause what they see when they look at you.
They don't see you.
They see the shit they never had.
Money, education, opportunity.
That's why they never gonna stop fuckin' with you, because of what you represent.
But at least that's only in here.
People out there been fuckin' with me my entire fucking life.
They see dangerous, poor, ghetto black girl that should be locked up in here forever.
[clicks tongue and sighs.]
So, like, if you want to trade places, I'm game.
How do you deal with it? I try to survive.
[Hellman.]
All right, Jefferson.
Time's up.
So, what are we doing about this gum? Cut it off.
Remember to sit up straight with your arms at your sides, and if the judge asks you a question, address him as "Your Honor.
" Also, during your testimony, you should refrain from the use of any slang words like "yo" or "homie" or "homie-dawg" or "trippin'," "turnt" or "clapback" No slang.
Got it, thanks.
Okay.
And most importantly, during your testimony, you wanna make sure to establish eye contact with the jury.
Do not look at anyone in the gallery.
And especially not at Ms.
Jefferson.
Remember the truth is on your side.
All you have to do is tell your story to the court the way you told me.
But it's bullshit.
What is? All of it.
[sobs.]
Like I said, I understand you may be frustrated No.
Mm-mm.
You don't understand.
We was down there with him.
With Piscatella.
Alive.
Taystee had the gun pointed at his head, but she didn't shoot him.
She gave me the gun, and then we let him go.
When CERT stormed, Suzanne and I hid I understand you might be very emotional right now, it's causing you to say a lot of things, most of which I didn't hear.
'Cause you not listening to me! I'm telling you she's innocent.
Mr.
Siegel, please.
I'm begging you, please.
I can't let Taystee go down like this.
There's gotta be some way.
There's got to be some way that we can make it right.
Look, Cindy, putting aside the fact that I can't make heads or tails of what you may or may not have just said to me, you're giving testimony in a few hours.
If you deviate from your written statement, your deal will be rescinded, you'll be deemed an unreliable witness.
I should have said something sooner, but I was scared.
Man, do you know what [sighs.]
I've been around scumbag cops my whole life.
I know what they do to people like me when we talk.
Changing your testimony at the 11th hour will not help Ms.
Jefferson's case.
Listen to me.
You won't help her, but you will end up hurting yourself.
But she didn't do it.
Then let's hope the jury determines that.
But as far as you helping her, it's too late.
[sighs.]
I am urging you, as your legal counsel, to testify to the statement you gave the feds.
There's no point in adding years of extra time on top of what is already a painful situation.
Ms.
Hayes? Where's Caputo? He told me I was meeting with my lawyer to talk about my case against MCC.
And I imagine he wants to take the case public to embarrass MCC, correct? I'm assuming you ain't the lawyer, then? No.
I fact, I'm the senior vice president of MCC.
[chuckles.]
I should have known.
Never trust a white woman with a weave.
You can trust me.
I'm one of the good ones, I assure you.
If you was one of the good ones, you wouldn't be working for Evil Incorporated.
Look, Ms.
Burset, I know you suffered greatly under the previous administration at MCC.
But part of my mission as the new senior vice president is to correct the mistakes of my predecessors.
Right.
How do you intend to correct the six months I spent in isolation without decent food or sunlight, or ever laying my eyes on another human being except for those giant walking potatoes you call guards? I would like to personally apologize for the horrendous mistreatment that you endured.
But I assure you that under my leadership, such inhumane torture will never take place at Litchfield again.
As reparation, I would like to offer you a settlement of $300,000.
I've gotten the go-ahead from my superiors.
I could have the funds transferred to your bank by this afternoon.
All you have to do is sign an agreement promising not to file or testify against MCC.
So this is hush money? Consider it an act of good faith.
Clearly, it's not enough to make up for the trauma that you suffered, but it is my hope that it will help you get back on your feet after your early release.
[laughs.]
Did you say early release? I did.
As long as you agree not to sue, testify or ever speak of this conversation.
Damn.
You really are a good witch.
[Sharon.]
Let's join hands for today's group prayer.
Um, Maria, would you like to lead us? Um, I'll give it a try.
Dear God today we pray for the strength to follow your teachings.
To be peacemakers, to be pure of heart, to be merciful, because that shit ain't easy There are a lot of bitches in here that don't deserve mercy, and sometimes it feels like no matter how hard you try, you'll just end up right back where you started.
So we ask for your support in trying to do the right thing and for your guidance in knowing which way to go.
And I'm sorry about saying shit and bitch.
Twice.
- Amen.
- [Sharon.]
Amen.
That was very moving, Maria.
- [Beth.]
I'd like to share something.
- Yes.
- Beth, go ahead.
- Maria.
Your words just now about doing the right thing really resonated for me.
And to honor that, I feel I need to make a confession.
I was the one who tried to drown you in the guard bathroom.
I'm sorry.
I have a compulsion.
Something comes over me.
I've tried to deal with this problem on my own, but being in this group has taught me that I need put it in the Lord's hands.
That was you? Yes, but it led you here, right? I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.
This got nothing to do with the Lord.
You fucking tried to kill me, you fucking bitch.
They wanted to keep me in Psych.
They made me say that I tried to drown myself in a toilet.
[stammering.]
I said I was sorry.
Fuck you.
Perhaps you might try to speak from a place of love.
You told me this was a baptism, but it was an attempted murder by a baby killer.
- Is that how you killed your babies too? - Maria! - You drowned them in a toilet? - Maria, please.
Nah, I get it now.
This whole thing is a joke.
Y'all like to sit around and talk about forgiveness, believing you're better than everyone else because you talk to God so you can sleep at night.
But you'll still just be as fucked up as the rest of us.
- But at least I can own it.
- Maria Shut the fuck up.
Was I wrong there? [knocking on door.]
Gladys, right? Sorry to bug you.
Was hoping to trade you for some of them oatmeal cream pies you got.
Commissary's all out.
What are you offering? Mmm My own little recipe.
The juice from the peach cups makes for a smooth finish.
You must love you some cream pie.
Takes me back to my girlhood.
I've been needin' an escape from this place.
How's about three for one? Mmm.
You weren't kidding.
This is smooth.
Another life, I could've been a vintner.
Hey, quite a haul you got.
You win the numbers or something? Shit's rigged.
My Uncle Eddie finally died.
Old pervert left everything to me.
Guess all that sitting on his lap finally paid off.
- Gotta play the long game.
How'd he die? - They said it was a heart attack, but something tells me there was Viagra and a belt involved.
[Frieda.]
He leave you any property? Why? You in the market? Oh, just making conversation.
I didn't mean to pry.
Not for nothing, but I always felt original flavor Doritos were the only one worth their salt.
'Cause you never had these.
These are smoked chili flavored.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
They've got a kick that'll put hair on your chest if you don't already got it.
Mind throwing a bag in for me? That hooch was good.
You didn't really think I was gonna go for that Uncle Eddie bit, did you? Was worth a shot.
Somebody help! She's trying to kill me! [clamoring.]
Wait, wait.
Goddamn! You motherfucking bitch! You [inmates clamoring.]
Carol and Barb? But I'm in last place! Oh, my God.
We just moved Carol to Ad Seg.
And Barb hasn't had an incident in years.
Well, you can thank your beloved new commissioner.
You don't understand, Al.
I really need this money.
Tony Robbins just extended his tour with Pitbull, and I'm never gonna get any points with Carol and Barb.
[scoffs.]
- Why do you have that face? - What face? I don't have a face.
[Pennsatucky grunts.]
This is bullshit! Where's Chapman? If I had to guess, I'd say she's being dragged to SHU right about now.
So you better work on your dodging skills.
Actually, she's right behind you.
I didn't think I'd be seeing you for a while.
I know that you put drugs in my shoe.
And I'm not afraid of you.
I guess you're dumber than you look.
Excuse me.
I have an intramural to win.
All right, ladies.
I think that that's enough pegging for right now.
That's what he said.
Who's he? [Piper.]
Let's see some sprints.
Okay? You guys know the drill, so up against the wall.
Let's go.
Glad to have you back, captain.
Things was getting weird.
All right, on my mark.
Ready.
Get set.
Go! - [groaning.]
- [inmates exclaiming.]
Ahhh, I'm hurt! She ran into me.
She was running too fast.
Like I been saying all along, this kickball thing is way too dangerous.
Maybe we should cancel it.
For safety.
[Alvarez.]
She looks hurt.
I'm counting at least five points from the neck up alone.
I am way ahead of you.
Technically, she didn't get hurt because of kickball, she got hurt because you were running.
That's true.
Running is not kickball-dependent.
Are you serious? Her nose bone probably got pushed back into her brain.
- Kickball may have killed her.
- [Ginger.]
Sorry.
The line of causality is really tough here.
I say you keep playing.
Next time, watch where the heck you're going.
- What do you think, Al? - Agreed.
No sense ruining a good thing over one accident.
[sniffs.]
[clears throat.]
That is a lot of blood, though.
Think we should radio the EMTs? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I just came to get my shit.
I don't wanna spend another second in this stanky-ass, depressing place.
- Aleida.
- Yeah.
I don't wanna hear another word.
You fucking white boys are all the same.
A bunch of pussies.
Put the bag down.
Hey, don't touch me.
I said I'm done.
[Nana.]
Ricky! One second, Nana! We do this for three months.
Get enough money for you to get your kids back, maybe get a bigger place.
And then we're out, you understand? [scoffs.]
Three months? Three months ain't enough time to get shit.
It is if we fill the whole containers, not just the bottoms.
Look, you were right.
Okay? About my life.
I've been going through the motions, living for little highs here and there, but mostly doing nothing.
Then I met you, and all of a sudden, I'm excited to get up in the morning.
I actually feel like I'm fucking alive.
Like I can do shit.
Like, manly shit.
I didn't know that I could feel this way.
I can't go back to the way it was before.
So I guess that means I'm all in.
I'm glad you finally understand how lucky you are to have me.
Wait.
Ain't your nana gonna hear us? She has over 70% hearing loss in both ears.
- I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.
- Yeah, you are.
Oh.
Sophia.
Uh Thank you for coming in.
This is Tania.
Tania Fernandez.
Pleasure to meet you.
Tania has graciously agreed to represent you in your case.
Yes.
I believe this case has the potential to set an important precedent for the hundreds of men and women who are currently suffering Let me stop you right there.
I'm not going to sue.
What? I just wanted to tell you in person.
I'm not gonna fight this.
[chuckles nervously.]
Why not? I met with the senior vice president of MCC.
- Please don't say Linda Ferguson.
- Linda Ferguson.
She offered me a settlement and I decided to take it.
[sighs.]
Jesus Christ.
[Tania.]
If I may interject.
From my point of view, you actually have a really good chance of winning this case.
Can you promise me I'll win? Because she just promised me $300K, which is being transferred into my bank account as we speak.
What about all the women you could be helping? - What about Taystee? You owe it to her - I don't owe nobody shit.
The only responsibility I got is to my wife and my son.
This money could provide for them the way I shoulda been providing all these years.
[scoffs.]
I could send my son to college, so he don't end up like me, here.
But don't you want your story heard? I'm done trying to be heard.
[whispers.]
Nobody's listening.
My time here has taught me that much.
[sighs.]
Besides, I already signed the papers.
Barb wants to speak with you.
According to this, you get more with a smile than with scowls and lurking.
That's news you can use.
Get up.
Nicky, baby, where you been hiding, girl? Well, to be honest, I had to rub one out.
All that adrenaline really got me worked up.
[chuckles.]
You're too much.
Hey, listen, I wanted to apologize for our little murder snafu earlier.
So embarrassing.
I hope you won't hold it against me.
It gave me the blue balls for the bloodlust.
But we'll get 'em next time.
Well, I don't know about that.
Some of these ladies seem to think that we might have a mole.
Can you believe that? I mean, who would do that to me? After the way I look after my girls.
Looked to me like somebody tipped off the ginger.
Could be your CO playing both sides.
I've heard your sister - is big on the cloak-and-dagger maneuvers.
- True.
Or it could be someone with ties to one of the ladies in C-Block.
Maybe, you know, someone with an old friend they're looking out for? Ah [chuckles.]
You're talking about me and Reznikov.
Annalisa thinks you were interested in her right when things turned sour.
Yeah.
Interested in killing her before she killed me.
I turned her in to the feds.
Remember? Or did your network of crack babies miss that when doing their due diligence? I'm covering my bases.
I must be having a stroke then, 'cause it sounds to me like you're accusing me.
- Take a seat with that attitude.
- Oh! You're just like a big shot now, 'cause you're fucking the heir apparent? Where was this gay phase when I was at camp? Quite frankly, I am offended.
It's all right, Diaz.
I think it's been a stressful day for everybody.
Isn't that right, Nicky? Come here.
Look, I am sorry that I accused you, okay? Uh-huh.
I think it's this sobriety thing that's got me all riled up.
You don't have to tell me.
I've already come four times today.
It's not even noon.
[laughs.]
There's that mouth of yours again.
[grunts.]
You really crack me up, you know that? Look, I'll keep my nose peeled.
See what I can't dig up.
Yeah, I know you will.
I'm glad we talked.
Don't be such a stranger, okay? Barb really loves a visit from her Nicky baby.
Well, I would love to stay and chat, but after all this excitement, orgasm number five awaits.
So excuse me while I attend to unfinished clitoris.
Gentlemen.
[panting.]
- She's lying.
- Shut up! You fuckin' embarrassed me.
Next time you make sure you see what you think you see.
Now, I need my Noxzema and my bed.
I'm gettin' fuckin' rage lines.
Son of a bitch.
Cindy? Yo, what they got you in here for? [taps on seat.]
Cindy? [bus door closes.]
[sobs gently.]
- Any word on Dwight? - [Alvarez.]
She's fine.
Broke her nose again.
What's left of it.
Luckily, it was mostly mush to begin with.
Thought she was a goner.
Next time, I'll have to put my weight into it.
There is something very, very wrong with you.
Yeah? Well, you better get used to it, 'cause we're gonna be spending a lot of long, hard years together.
What did I ever do to you? What's the matter, cookie? You crumbling already? [laughs.]
Must be hard.
I bet you're probably used to getting your way out there.
But down in here, I decide who stays and who goes.
And I got a lot of time, Chapman.
A lot of time to think.
[lawyer.]
According to your written testimony, you saw the defendant point a gun - at Desi Piscatella's head, correct? - Yes.
[lawyer.]
Where were you when the CERT officers stormed the pool? [Black Cindy.]
I was in the closet.
So you didn't see what happened when the officers stormed the pool, correct? All you saw before you left the pool was Tasha Jefferson pointing a gun at Desi Piscatella, correct? - [sighs.]
- Ms.
Hayes, is that correct? [sighs.]
Yes.
Inmate Denning, get up.
You're coming with me.
What? Why? Let's go.
Move it.
In.
[alternative rock song playing.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[indistinct chatter over TV.]
So this is what you do? You promise endless shrimp, then disappear all night? Leave me sitting around, getting sick off your fucking nana's endless farts? Like you ain't got a phone or nothing? Huh? Yeah, air that shit out.
Stink like she already dead in the inside.
Then she got the balls to say I smell like a prostitute.
Ricky.
It's time for fresh air, okay.
You've been cooped up too long.
I'll be right inside.
You're not gonna say nothing? I sat here not knowing whether you was dead or fucking somebody.
I knew that company was corrupt.
Do you have any idea what could happen to me if I got caught with this? I don't know.
That shit ain't mine! I should have known.
Once a felon, always a felon.
At least someone's making fucking money here.
'Cause you ain't making shit.
I got kids in the system! How am I supposed to fit them in this tiny-ass place? They're fucking big! Are you seriously still attacking me? After you used me as a goddamn drug mule? You're provoking me.
I'm provoked.
Stupid-ass me, fallin' for a loser CO who's afraid to make real money.
I am not a loser.
Oh, no? You a nine-to-five rent-a-cop.
Hanging out with your loser coworkers like they're your friends, eating donuts and playing stupid fucking games all day.
You get paid to sit in a prison.
That's what you want to do with your life? Until you're 60 and fat and still broke as shit? My job has a great retirement package, okay? And people respect me.
[Nana.]
Ricky, I plotched again.
I need a new Depends.
And bring the wipes.
You heard her.
Go change her shitty diaper, nana's boy.
[Nana.]
Ricky! Enjoy the rest of your loser life.
[Nana.]
Ricky! [door slams.]
[Nana.]
Ricky! [Piper panting.]
Yes! Great hustle, guys.
Great hustle, everybody.
Against the wall for suicides.
Well, this took a dark turn.
It's a sprinting exercise.
You run to the three-point line and back, .
half court, back, full court, back - [Badison.]
No, no.
- Let's go.
[panting.]
Fuck all this running.
Kickball is 90% standing around.
[Piper.]
Wanna beat D-Block, we gotta get in better shape.
The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can start scrimmaging.
Or we can start scrimmaging right now.
Let's go.
Three-point line.
Yes, three-point line.
Unbelievable.
Chapman was supposed to be my secret weapon, but now all she's doing is distracting people from their drug addictions and unemployment.
- I thought that was a good thing.
- Mm.
Yes! All right, nice work, you guys.
Nice job.
Okay! Way to go.
[Suzanne.]
Um She doesn't look so good.
[retches.]
- [all exclaim.]
- Oh! [inmates laugh.]
[Badison.]
The fuck you laughin' at? You never seen anybody hurl before? I'm injured.
You all right? We could bury her alive with a flashlight and shovel, so she tries to dig her way out until she reaches the bulletproof mirror just below the surface where she is forced to bear witness to her slow, inevitable death.
Nah.
Frieda's a rat.
She likes burrowing.
I don't want her to enjoy any part of it.
Jesus! Whatever happened to body hair? If I wanted shaved legs, I'd date a woman.
I prefer smooth.
Dmitri has a back like a Yeti.
We could feed her feet first to an anaconda.
[chuckles.]
She does hate snakes.
Although I'm craving something a little more practical.
Practical isn't the game.
The game is fantasy murder.
What if we paid someone in Florida a large sum of money to slit her throat with a shiv? I give it four for creativity.
Four for creativity, sure, but ten for it's actually happening.
As in done deal.
[scoffs.]
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
What does it mean, this "bulltrue"? Is it an American thing? It's a me thing.
And it means that rat bitch, Frieda, will be dead by the end of the week.
Enough games.
Now, there's a face worth sitting on.
Huh? Yeah.
And then she barfed.
Looked kinda like this.
And I said, "Ding, ding, ding.
She must be the killer Carol sent to kill you, because she is barfy because she has nerves.
" Like that time I had to keep the secret of Grace's surprise party.
So then, I threw up in my backpack every day for a week.
And then on the candles.
[Frieda.]
Badison's too valuable.
Carol likes to use expendables to do her dirty work.
I definitely had my detective cap on, so no one else stood out.
Although, to be honest, they all seemed like criminals to me.
Could still be someone in here.
Someone crafty.
- Remember those Popsicle sticks we found? - I found, you stole.
The point is, a real detective suspects everyone, especially the ones you'd least suspect.
It might be somebody right under our noses.
Hey, y'all.
Anybody want my pudding? Been having this lactose issue lately.
- I'll take it.
- No, poison! You're cleaning that up.
[imitates gun firing.]
It was vacuum sealed, Sherlock.
Right.
Sorry.
Yeah, there's Looks like some got on my shoe.
If you just wanna dab that up.
[Frieda.]
You wanna be helpful? Go gather some intel.
Ask leading questions, like they do on TV.
Ah I'm gonna take a nap.
Don't you want me to bodyguard you while you sleep? Oh.
You do your best work in the field.
Now, get to it before the killer gets away.
Hey, there's a killer? Oh It's a whole thing.
It's a girl.
You see that "G" shape? That is a "G" for "girl.
" Plus, you've gotten uglier since we met.
Your little girl is trying to steal your beauty.
No, you're wrong.
The poop's wrong.
I already know it's a boy.
What makes you so sure? Did you boil a chicken heart while I wasn't looking? I gotta go with Miss Cleo on this one.
Your left boob, noticeably larger than your right boob.
So my money's on a tiny vagina.
Miss Cleo is Caribbean.
You are racist.
[Nicky.]
Okay, my bad.
By the way, I heard some rats squeaking over by the phone booth.
Might be the kids trying to Incredible Journey their way back home to you.
You might wanna go meet 'em halfway.
Nice try.
None of them survived the poison.
They told me in my dreams.
Next time, just ask me to leave.
That was too soon, Nicky.
All right, listen to me, Lorna.
We might be on the wrong side of history with this whole balls-deep-in-Barb thing.
What do you mean? All right.
Barb is pulling the trigger on Carol.
She's planning on whacking her whole posse tomorrow at the salon.
I don't see how waxing her whole pussy is gonna help kill Carol, but I am sure that Barb has a great plan, 'cause she is a very smart leader.
She has a very high IQ.
You got corn in your ears or something? Barb is going after Carol's whole gang, right? So Carol and Red are like the fuckin' Bobbsey Twins now.
If this goes down the way Barb wants it to, Red is gonna wind up with a mouth for a neck.
Maybe she should have thought about that before she climbed in bed with that evil, lying bitch, Carol.
Are you being serious? I mean, I know you love a bandwagon, but this is Red we're talking about.
Hey! This is a woman who protected you for years.
Who made you butter cookies after Christopher threatened to kill you.
She can't protect me anymore, Nicky.
And Vinnie says it's very important to have a powerful family to protect you.
Like the Gambinos or the Sopranos.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I have a baby to think about.
You don't understand.
'Cause you is not a mother.
You are right about that.
But you know who is, right? Red.
I don't know, Nicky.
Sometimes, I wonder whose team you're really on.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
I couldn't pass up the chance to tell you "Go fuck yourself" in person.
I understand you might harbor some resentment towards me.
I was hoping that maybe we could try and move past some of that.
Look, here it comes.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, Burset.
Please? I'm here to talk about Tasha Jefferson.
Tasha Jefferson? What she got to do with me? MCC is trying to put her away for life for something she didn't do.
And I think that you can help save her.
You got a minute.
Make it count.
I have met with nearly a dozen other inmates like yourself who suffered terrible injustices at the hands of MCC, and we're going public with a series of lawsuits.
Your horrific story of mistreatment can tip the scales.
We can change the whole narrative of Jefferson's trial with the publicity from this.
I see.
You wanna use my story to help her.
Where was this help when I was askin' for it? I know I screwed up when it came to you.
I made mistakes.
And that's a big part of why I'm doing this.
I want to stop MCC from treating people the way they treated you starting with Tasha Jefferson.
You and Taystee, y'all fucking? What? Oh, no.
No, no.
God, no.
No.
Don't act like that's a dumb question.
She was your secretary.
And everybody know you spend half the day with your hand down your pants.
All I ask is that you meet with the lawyer.
She thinks you have a very strong case.
Let her tell you why you're gonna win.
Not for my sake, but for Taystee's.
Is that some Pilates shit? I ain't never been able to find my core.
I think, instead of a core, I have more of, like, a soft center.
Hey, T.
I missed you at lunch today.
Your back still bothering you? It's killing me.
I'm broken.
Hey.
Well, you wanna play Six Degrees of Dr.
Dre? - Oh! - Get your mind off of it.
We been through every rapper in the game.
We both could use the distraction.
My trial starts tomorrow.
That's tomorrow? Damn.
"Damn" is right, so play with me.
Come on! - Fine.
- Okay.
All right, now, this one might be a little cray-cray, but I believe in you.
E-40.
- Stuck.
- [scoffs.]
- Cake.
- Okay, what? E-40 had that garbage single, "Savage," featuring Jazze Pha.
- All right.
- Who did a collabo with Snoop on "Double Tap," who was nominated for a Grammy for his work with Dre.
Okay, you got it.
"Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang" - That was a little easy.
- Thank you.
- You get four points.
- That's like ten Jefferson.
Is this your cell? - We was just - No, that's a shot.
Now out, before I drag you out.
[sighs.]
[sobs.]
[exhales deeply.]
Can we talk for a second? I got nothing to say to you.
- There's a lot of bad blood between us - Then why the fuck are you talking to me? I've been doing a lot of thinking.
A lot of praying, actually.
And I just wanted to tell you I forgive you.
Yeah? For what? For getting me ten more years.
You forgive me? After you robbed me of my one chance to see my son? Benny could have died.
My daughter's gonna be a teen by the time I get out.
Didn't seem worried about that when you was sticking flashlights up guards' asses.
You did that.
Not me.
I'm not that person anymore.
You think you're a different person 'cause you said a couple of fuckin' prayers? Let me save you a lot of time and frustration.
You were fucked up when God put you in this world, and you're still gonna be fucked up when he takes you back out.
Saying some prayers ain't gonna do shit.
So don't bother.
Now, you should step away before I do something stupid.
[grunts.]
- It's important to stretch after exercise.
- You and Badison playing nice? She's a little out of shape, with the recent stabbing and also she's out of shape, but she's got passion.
She's a vindictive psycho, and you unseated her as kickball queen.
Something tells me she's not the type to let that go.
Nothing to worry about.
I've got this under control.
Where have I heard that before? Hmm.
I can't remember, so I guess I'll just have to take your word for it.
Or you could come play with us, now that you're not handicapped anymore.
"Handicapped"? That's ableist.
Anyway, I'm preoccupied.
- Mmm.
I can see that.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
"Apply now and earn your business degree online in your spare time.
" I was curious.
I thought I could become a CFO by the time I'm out in four long, long, long years from now, when I'm further down the other side of the hill.
You will always be peaking in my eyes.
That's like your mother telling you you're beautiful.
It's nice and all, but At least you're thinking about our future, when we are both out of prison and we can wear pretty bras again.
I love it when you talk about sexy support garments.
This fucking application is giving me the stress sweats.
Is this shampoo or hooch? Can I use it? It's for blondes, but desperate times Don't think I don't know what you're doing.
Combing my hair? You like to come off all sweet with your big words and your natural-lookin' blonde hair, but I dealt with fake bitches like you before.
You may have gotten over on me with this kickball bullshit, but I got plans, too.
This is just kickball.
The only hustle here is around the bases.
Do I look like a fucking idiot? Let me explain how this works.
The C-Block bitches belong to me, and that's not gonna change because a couple of retards wanna call you captain.
So slow your roll before you get hurt.
Look, Madison, you don't know me very well, so let me enlighten you a little.
I've done the behind the back thing, the secret power grab thing, the gang thing.
I have done it all.
This? This is just kickball.
It's one small fucking thing that I can do to make this place a little bit nicer before I'm out in a few months.
So is it really so much to ask, that for this small amount of time that we have to be together, we get along, before you never have to see me again? - A few months, huh? - Mmm.
Well.
Interesting.
A lot can happen between now and a few months.
[chuckles.]
Maybe a guard finds drugs planted in your shoe.
Or you're forced to defend yourself and you end up in solitary.
Or maybe you wake up with a bloody shiv in your hand next to a dead body and there's cheese up your nose.
The possibilities are endless, really.
So if I were you, I wouldn't go send any postcards just yet.
[Piper yelps.]
[chuckles.]
See you at practice, captain.
[laughs.]
So, when you were escaped out of prison, were you ever hired to murder anyone? What? No.
We were just having fun, all right? Until it wasn't fun anymore.
You know how everybody has, like, a dark side and a light side? When it was light, it was cool.
But when he would get dark, I never knew how long the nighttime would last.
At least in here, there's a schedule.
That's how I knew I had to come back and finish my time.
And also kill Frieda.
Jesus, no! For the last time, I'm not the killer.
Don't you know the first suspect is too obvious? Don't you watch any cop shows? I did, but then I started getting these nightmares and I wasn't allowed to anymore.
Oh! Except for Inspector Gadget, but he dressed a little bit like this guy who pulled his pee-pee out at me at the book fair, and couldn't get into it after that.
Yeah, well, what you want to do is, as a detective, you wanna find your special gift, right? Like, are you OCD? Are you psychic? Are you good with human remains? Ah! You mean poop.
No, I was thinking bones.
But, come on, what are you good at? Asking people a lot of questions.
- Is that helpful? - Yes.
It's actually perfect.
Why don't you go around and ask people lots of questions, say "perp" a lot, and eventually you'll find out who the killer is.
I'm gonna need a sidekick too, right? So I can tell them what I'm thinking for the audience to hear? Hell, why not? Is this gonna take long? I got an overactive bladder.
[exhales sharply.]
Just a few more minutes.
Would you describe yourself as someone crafty? Well, I once made a sex toy out of a Pringles can, but the girth became an issue.
How long approximately would you say you've lived in this prison? Approximately, a long-ass time.
- Would you say you never forget a face? - Depends on the face.
[sighs and clicks tongue.]
She died.
So I've been patient with you because I'm a nice person, but my friend here, she ain't so nice.
No telling what she'll do if she loses her temper.
So why don't you answer my questions before she starts asking hers? I'm sorry, dear.
Did you say something? "Dear Asking for Our Friends, I'm worried that I might be basic.
I've always loved a seasonal latte.
I've made life decisions based on inspirational quotes from the Internet, and the movie The Sweetest Thing is literally my life.
Does that mean I'm basic?" Hmm.
That seems like a tough one.
I think you should take this one, Tova.
Basic seems like your area of expertise.
Sure thing, Flaca.
It's actually really simple, folks.
If you spend all day worrying about your makeup, even though you're locked up in a prison, you're basic.
If you secretly love Taylor Swift and think that everyone is so mean to her? Basic.
And if you write into radio shows to try and find out whether or not you might be basic? Sorry, boo, ya basic.
Well, you heard it from the expert herself.
The verdict is basic.
[chuckles.]
Have a think about your choices and we'll be back with more after this.
Stay tuned.
- [music playing faintly.]
- [Black Cindy.]
Oh! Good choice.
Love me a throwback.
[chuckles.]
[gasps.]
[groans in pain.]
Is it really that bad? You have no idea.
[Flaca.]
Back pain isn't about your back.
Dr.
Sarno says nothing like physical pain to distract you from your emotional fucked-upness.
Dr.
Sarno? Did you get that from a YouTube video or something? - I read it in O Magazine.
- Yeah.
The only way to fix it is to figure out what you did wrong and make it right.
Hey, Hopper.
Rough night? Your ex-con girlfriend keep you awake with an all-night fuckathon? - That is none of your business.
- [Luschek.]
Sounds like a no.
It's nothing a donut can't fix.
- [Hopper.]
I'm not in the mood.
- What? Donut Day is your favorite day.
I said I'm not in the mood.
What is all this anyway? Alvarez's ten-year anniversary at Max.
Technically, it was over the weekend if you factor in the leap years, but Ten years, that's a long time.
Congratulations, buddy.
[Alvarez.]
Thanks.
Actually, now that you're here, I wanted to wait for Ginger too, but I'm worried if I don't say this now, that I'll never say it.
"These past ten years have been the best ten years of my life.
There's some work places that can be boring, but working here is always exciting with the pranks, the inside jokes, the running bets and, of course, Donut Fridays.
I can't imagine a better way to have spent the last ten years of my life than being in this prison every day with such incredible friends, and I hope that I have at least ten more years at 'Lynchfield' in my future.
Thank you.
" Tough act to follow.
Better start writing, Hopper.
You're next.
What? No.
No, your counting's off.
- No way it's been ten years already.
- It has, actually.
I remember because I was here six months before I met you and made my first friend.
Coworker.
I'm your coworker, Al.
Hmm.
Well, this party makes me want to kill myself.
Oh, speaking of, I caught inmate Sagher trying to tie her sheets into a noose.
So if all goes well, there might be some changes to the scoreboard.
- Know what I mean? - [Blake.]
Listen to yourself.
This is a living, breathing human being we're talking about.
Not for long, though.
[Luschek.]
Mmm! Fuck it.
I'm done with this game.
Count me out.
[Luschek chuckles.]
Ooh.
Guess we'll have to divvy up his players.
Silver lining.
We should wait for Ginger.
Why? She's too far behind to catch up.
Save her a donut.
She'll be happy.
[Alvarez.]
Hopper? You wanna weigh in on this? Whatever.
[Barbara.]
Do you hear me? Hey.
Too late for a fourth-quarter substitution? Nicky, I thought you didn't approve of my plan.
I don't.
You know, I think it's risky, uh, and there are too many variables, which is why you're gonna need at least one sober person with a brain to make sure that things run smoothly.
Not that the rest of you don't seem like, you know, very intelligent people.
- I like where your head's at.
- Yeah.
And that smart mouth might come in handy if the guards start asking questions.
So after our CO radios the guard in the hall, you're only gonna have a few seconds to make your move.
Okay? Hutton, I need you to cause enough commotion to draw the ginger guard out and then the rest is up to you three.
You're gonna be legends after today.
No one leaves that room alive.
[Red.]
You get rubbed and I get gray.
Where's the justice? [Carol chuckles.]
[snores.]
[clears throat.]
[hairdryer whirs.]
Allergies.
[sighs.]
[coughs.]
[Nicky clears throat.]
Hey, Young.
Get over here.
[man over radio.]
Young, can you meet me outside D-Block? I got a situation.
You gotta call somebody else.
We may have a situation here.
[man over radio.]
Yeah, but [Young.]
That can't be good.
It could be fake.
Maybe we should see how it plays out.
Why? You tryin' to get stabbed? Protocol says she goes straight to protective Ad Seg till we figure it out.
I'll take her.
Copy.
Inmate Denning, your salon time is up.
Come with me.
Come with you where? Where I take you.
Let's go.
[woman over speakers.]
Who's a good girl? Hey, Ruthie, you want a treat? Who's Momma's good girl? Ruthie! Mommy loves you.
Hey, Ruthie! Ruth! Excuse me.
Why is Joseph Caputo's name on the inmate visitation list? Hmm Probably because he wrote it there before visiting an inmate.
And why would he visit inmates? I'm not sure, but he has been here all day.
Apparently, he's a real player.
Did you hear he's dating the warden? You [Suzanne.]
Yeah, I'm starting to think it might be a guard.
All the inmates we interviewed had pretty solid alibis.
[chuckles.]
That's impressive, considering the murder hasn't happened yet.
True.
Maybe we should start looking at a motive.
Look, this has been illuminating, really, but maybe you two should give it a rest.
[sighs.]
Yeah.
I mean, I'm at a loss.
The confused one, she didn't even know we were in a prison.
And the rich one, she couldn't even identify Frieda's face.
Yeah, but you drew a Popsicle with hair.
Yeah, wait a second.
The rich one? [Pennsatucky.]
There's a rich one who's rolling in commissary.
She's got, like, four radios.
That's basically surround sound.
And she's been eating black Doritos.
That's caviar flavored.
- Mind pointing her out to me? - [Pennsatucky.]
Yeah.
Getting ready to take the ladies to prayer group.
Aren't you coming? - Nah, I don't think so.
- But you always go.
It's hard to talk to God when all you can think about - is strangling some evil bitch.
- Yeah.
Probably not the kind of thing you tell a CO.
You know, I've been trying real hard to do the right thing, you know? Let Jesus take the wheel or whatever.
But I'm starting to think she's right.
And maybe, no matter what I do, I'll still be a piece of shit.
You know, one time when I was a kid, I almost killed a bird.
Threw a rock at it and broke its wing.
Mormon kids don't have too many outlets for their anger.
Anyway, I decided in that moment that I was a piece of shit.
I mean, I had basically killed it for no reason.
But then my mom made me take it in and nurse it back to health, and, a few weeks later, it healed and we let it go.
And I realized that I had saved its life.
Saved its life? But you're the reason why it almost died.
That's the point.
When I hurt it, I was a piece of shit.
But when I was healing it, I wasn't.
I don't get it.
God doesn't make good people or bad people.
That's a myth.
He just makes people.
Sometimes they do good things, sometimes not so good.
But the beauty is you get to wake up and choose every day.
As long as you're choosing to do the good things, then you're good.
What, are you some kind of preacher or some shit? Yeah, we all are, sort of.
Missionary work.
Anyway, you're not wearing your ID badge.
That's a shot.
Clear.
[McCullough.]
Hands against the wall.
Hands.
Clear.
Fucking Badison.
It ain't that bad.
I mean, you could shave one side since you gay.
You know, that's, like, the look for your people.
What is it about me? Well, for starters, you don't wear makeup and I've seen you get engaged to a woman No, no.
What is it about me that makes people want to fuck with me? - Can I be real with you? - Please.
[sighs.]
It's 'cause what they see when they look at you.
They don't see you.
They see the shit they never had.
Money, education, opportunity.
That's why they never gonna stop fuckin' with you, because of what you represent.
But at least that's only in here.
People out there been fuckin' with me my entire fucking life.
They see dangerous, poor, ghetto black girl that should be locked up in here forever.
[clicks tongue and sighs.]
So, like, if you want to trade places, I'm game.
How do you deal with it? I try to survive.
[Hellman.]
All right, Jefferson.
Time's up.
So, what are we doing about this gum? Cut it off.
Remember to sit up straight with your arms at your sides, and if the judge asks you a question, address him as "Your Honor.
" Also, during your testimony, you should refrain from the use of any slang words like "yo" or "homie" or "homie-dawg" or "trippin'," "turnt" or "clapback" No slang.
Got it, thanks.
Okay.
And most importantly, during your testimony, you wanna make sure to establish eye contact with the jury.
Do not look at anyone in the gallery.
And especially not at Ms.
Jefferson.
Remember the truth is on your side.
All you have to do is tell your story to the court the way you told me.
But it's bullshit.
What is? All of it.
[sobs.]
Like I said, I understand you may be frustrated No.
Mm-mm.
You don't understand.
We was down there with him.
With Piscatella.
Alive.
Taystee had the gun pointed at his head, but she didn't shoot him.
She gave me the gun, and then we let him go.
When CERT stormed, Suzanne and I hid I understand you might be very emotional right now, it's causing you to say a lot of things, most of which I didn't hear.
'Cause you not listening to me! I'm telling you she's innocent.
Mr.
Siegel, please.
I'm begging you, please.
I can't let Taystee go down like this.
There's gotta be some way.
There's got to be some way that we can make it right.
Look, Cindy, putting aside the fact that I can't make heads or tails of what you may or may not have just said to me, you're giving testimony in a few hours.
If you deviate from your written statement, your deal will be rescinded, you'll be deemed an unreliable witness.
I should have said something sooner, but I was scared.
Man, do you know what [sighs.]
I've been around scumbag cops my whole life.
I know what they do to people like me when we talk.
Changing your testimony at the 11th hour will not help Ms.
Jefferson's case.
Listen to me.
You won't help her, but you will end up hurting yourself.
But she didn't do it.
Then let's hope the jury determines that.
But as far as you helping her, it's too late.
[sighs.]
I am urging you, as your legal counsel, to testify to the statement you gave the feds.
There's no point in adding years of extra time on top of what is already a painful situation.
Ms.
Hayes? Where's Caputo? He told me I was meeting with my lawyer to talk about my case against MCC.
And I imagine he wants to take the case public to embarrass MCC, correct? I'm assuming you ain't the lawyer, then? No.
I fact, I'm the senior vice president of MCC.
[chuckles.]
I should have known.
Never trust a white woman with a weave.
You can trust me.
I'm one of the good ones, I assure you.
If you was one of the good ones, you wouldn't be working for Evil Incorporated.
Look, Ms.
Burset, I know you suffered greatly under the previous administration at MCC.
But part of my mission as the new senior vice president is to correct the mistakes of my predecessors.
Right.
How do you intend to correct the six months I spent in isolation without decent food or sunlight, or ever laying my eyes on another human being except for those giant walking potatoes you call guards? I would like to personally apologize for the horrendous mistreatment that you endured.
But I assure you that under my leadership, such inhumane torture will never take place at Litchfield again.
As reparation, I would like to offer you a settlement of $300,000.
I've gotten the go-ahead from my superiors.
I could have the funds transferred to your bank by this afternoon.
All you have to do is sign an agreement promising not to file or testify against MCC.
So this is hush money? Consider it an act of good faith.
Clearly, it's not enough to make up for the trauma that you suffered, but it is my hope that it will help you get back on your feet after your early release.
[laughs.]
Did you say early release? I did.
As long as you agree not to sue, testify or ever speak of this conversation.
Damn.
You really are a good witch.
[Sharon.]
Let's join hands for today's group prayer.
Um, Maria, would you like to lead us? Um, I'll give it a try.
Dear God today we pray for the strength to follow your teachings.
To be peacemakers, to be pure of heart, to be merciful, because that shit ain't easy There are a lot of bitches in here that don't deserve mercy, and sometimes it feels like no matter how hard you try, you'll just end up right back where you started.
So we ask for your support in trying to do the right thing and for your guidance in knowing which way to go.
And I'm sorry about saying shit and bitch.
Twice.
- Amen.
- [Sharon.]
Amen.
That was very moving, Maria.
- [Beth.]
I'd like to share something.
- Yes.
- Beth, go ahead.
- Maria.
Your words just now about doing the right thing really resonated for me.
And to honor that, I feel I need to make a confession.
I was the one who tried to drown you in the guard bathroom.
I'm sorry.
I have a compulsion.
Something comes over me.
I've tried to deal with this problem on my own, but being in this group has taught me that I need put it in the Lord's hands.
That was you? Yes, but it led you here, right? I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.
This got nothing to do with the Lord.
You fucking tried to kill me, you fucking bitch.
They wanted to keep me in Psych.
They made me say that I tried to drown myself in a toilet.
[stammering.]
I said I was sorry.
Fuck you.
Perhaps you might try to speak from a place of love.
You told me this was a baptism, but it was an attempted murder by a baby killer.
- Is that how you killed your babies too? - Maria! - You drowned them in a toilet? - Maria, please.
Nah, I get it now.
This whole thing is a joke.
Y'all like to sit around and talk about forgiveness, believing you're better than everyone else because you talk to God so you can sleep at night.
But you'll still just be as fucked up as the rest of us.
- But at least I can own it.
- Maria Shut the fuck up.
Was I wrong there? [knocking on door.]
Gladys, right? Sorry to bug you.
Was hoping to trade you for some of them oatmeal cream pies you got.
Commissary's all out.
What are you offering? Mmm My own little recipe.
The juice from the peach cups makes for a smooth finish.
You must love you some cream pie.
Takes me back to my girlhood.
I've been needin' an escape from this place.
How's about three for one? Mmm.
You weren't kidding.
This is smooth.
Another life, I could've been a vintner.
Hey, quite a haul you got.
You win the numbers or something? Shit's rigged.
My Uncle Eddie finally died.
Old pervert left everything to me.
Guess all that sitting on his lap finally paid off.
- Gotta play the long game.
How'd he die? - They said it was a heart attack, but something tells me there was Viagra and a belt involved.
[Frieda.]
He leave you any property? Why? You in the market? Oh, just making conversation.
I didn't mean to pry.
Not for nothing, but I always felt original flavor Doritos were the only one worth their salt.
'Cause you never had these.
These are smoked chili flavored.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
They've got a kick that'll put hair on your chest if you don't already got it.
Mind throwing a bag in for me? That hooch was good.
You didn't really think I was gonna go for that Uncle Eddie bit, did you? Was worth a shot.
Somebody help! She's trying to kill me! [clamoring.]
Wait, wait.
Goddamn! You motherfucking bitch! You [inmates clamoring.]
Carol and Barb? But I'm in last place! Oh, my God.
We just moved Carol to Ad Seg.
And Barb hasn't had an incident in years.
Well, you can thank your beloved new commissioner.
You don't understand, Al.
I really need this money.
Tony Robbins just extended his tour with Pitbull, and I'm never gonna get any points with Carol and Barb.
[scoffs.]
- Why do you have that face? - What face? I don't have a face.
[Pennsatucky grunts.]
This is bullshit! Where's Chapman? If I had to guess, I'd say she's being dragged to SHU right about now.
So you better work on your dodging skills.
Actually, she's right behind you.
I didn't think I'd be seeing you for a while.
I know that you put drugs in my shoe.
And I'm not afraid of you.
I guess you're dumber than you look.
Excuse me.
I have an intramural to win.
All right, ladies.
I think that that's enough pegging for right now.
That's what he said.
Who's he? [Piper.]
Let's see some sprints.
Okay? You guys know the drill, so up against the wall.
Let's go.
Glad to have you back, captain.
Things was getting weird.
All right, on my mark.
Ready.
Get set.
Go! - [groaning.]
- [inmates exclaiming.]
Ahhh, I'm hurt! She ran into me.
She was running too fast.
Like I been saying all along, this kickball thing is way too dangerous.
Maybe we should cancel it.
For safety.
[Alvarez.]
She looks hurt.
I'm counting at least five points from the neck up alone.
I am way ahead of you.
Technically, she didn't get hurt because of kickball, she got hurt because you were running.
That's true.
Running is not kickball-dependent.
Are you serious? Her nose bone probably got pushed back into her brain.
- Kickball may have killed her.
- [Ginger.]
Sorry.
The line of causality is really tough here.
I say you keep playing.
Next time, watch where the heck you're going.
- What do you think, Al? - Agreed.
No sense ruining a good thing over one accident.
[sniffs.]
[clears throat.]
That is a lot of blood, though.
Think we should radio the EMTs? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I just came to get my shit.
I don't wanna spend another second in this stanky-ass, depressing place.
- Aleida.
- Yeah.
I don't wanna hear another word.
You fucking white boys are all the same.
A bunch of pussies.
Put the bag down.
Hey, don't touch me.
I said I'm done.
[Nana.]
Ricky! One second, Nana! We do this for three months.
Get enough money for you to get your kids back, maybe get a bigger place.
And then we're out, you understand? [scoffs.]
Three months? Three months ain't enough time to get shit.
It is if we fill the whole containers, not just the bottoms.
Look, you were right.
Okay? About my life.
I've been going through the motions, living for little highs here and there, but mostly doing nothing.
Then I met you, and all of a sudden, I'm excited to get up in the morning.
I actually feel like I'm fucking alive.
Like I can do shit.
Like, manly shit.
I didn't know that I could feel this way.
I can't go back to the way it was before.
So I guess that means I'm all in.
I'm glad you finally understand how lucky you are to have me.
Wait.
Ain't your nana gonna hear us? She has over 70% hearing loss in both ears.
- I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.
- Yeah, you are.
Oh.
Sophia.
Uh Thank you for coming in.
This is Tania.
Tania Fernandez.
Pleasure to meet you.
Tania has graciously agreed to represent you in your case.
Yes.
I believe this case has the potential to set an important precedent for the hundreds of men and women who are currently suffering Let me stop you right there.
I'm not going to sue.
What? I just wanted to tell you in person.
I'm not gonna fight this.
[chuckles nervously.]
Why not? I met with the senior vice president of MCC.
- Please don't say Linda Ferguson.
- Linda Ferguson.
She offered me a settlement and I decided to take it.
[sighs.]
Jesus Christ.
[Tania.]
If I may interject.
From my point of view, you actually have a really good chance of winning this case.
Can you promise me I'll win? Because she just promised me $300K, which is being transferred into my bank account as we speak.
What about all the women you could be helping? - What about Taystee? You owe it to her - I don't owe nobody shit.
The only responsibility I got is to my wife and my son.
This money could provide for them the way I shoulda been providing all these years.
[scoffs.]
I could send my son to college, so he don't end up like me, here.
But don't you want your story heard? I'm done trying to be heard.
[whispers.]
Nobody's listening.
My time here has taught me that much.
[sighs.]
Besides, I already signed the papers.
Barb wants to speak with you.
According to this, you get more with a smile than with scowls and lurking.
That's news you can use.
Get up.
Nicky, baby, where you been hiding, girl? Well, to be honest, I had to rub one out.
All that adrenaline really got me worked up.
[chuckles.]
You're too much.
Hey, listen, I wanted to apologize for our little murder snafu earlier.
So embarrassing.
I hope you won't hold it against me.
It gave me the blue balls for the bloodlust.
But we'll get 'em next time.
Well, I don't know about that.
Some of these ladies seem to think that we might have a mole.
Can you believe that? I mean, who would do that to me? After the way I look after my girls.
Looked to me like somebody tipped off the ginger.
Could be your CO playing both sides.
I've heard your sister - is big on the cloak-and-dagger maneuvers.
- True.
Or it could be someone with ties to one of the ladies in C-Block.
Maybe, you know, someone with an old friend they're looking out for? Ah [chuckles.]
You're talking about me and Reznikov.
Annalisa thinks you were interested in her right when things turned sour.
Yeah.
Interested in killing her before she killed me.
I turned her in to the feds.
Remember? Or did your network of crack babies miss that when doing their due diligence? I'm covering my bases.
I must be having a stroke then, 'cause it sounds to me like you're accusing me.
- Take a seat with that attitude.
- Oh! You're just like a big shot now, 'cause you're fucking the heir apparent? Where was this gay phase when I was at camp? Quite frankly, I am offended.
It's all right, Diaz.
I think it's been a stressful day for everybody.
Isn't that right, Nicky? Come here.
Look, I am sorry that I accused you, okay? Uh-huh.
I think it's this sobriety thing that's got me all riled up.
You don't have to tell me.
I've already come four times today.
It's not even noon.
[laughs.]
There's that mouth of yours again.
[grunts.]
You really crack me up, you know that? Look, I'll keep my nose peeled.
See what I can't dig up.
Yeah, I know you will.
I'm glad we talked.
Don't be such a stranger, okay? Barb really loves a visit from her Nicky baby.
Well, I would love to stay and chat, but after all this excitement, orgasm number five awaits.
So excuse me while I attend to unfinished clitoris.
Gentlemen.
[panting.]
- She's lying.
- Shut up! You fuckin' embarrassed me.
Next time you make sure you see what you think you see.
Now, I need my Noxzema and my bed.
I'm gettin' fuckin' rage lines.
Son of a bitch.
Cindy? Yo, what they got you in here for? [taps on seat.]
Cindy? [bus door closes.]
[sobs gently.]
- Any word on Dwight? - [Alvarez.]
She's fine.
Broke her nose again.
What's left of it.
Luckily, it was mostly mush to begin with.
Thought she was a goner.
Next time, I'll have to put my weight into it.
There is something very, very wrong with you.
Yeah? Well, you better get used to it, 'cause we're gonna be spending a lot of long, hard years together.
What did I ever do to you? What's the matter, cookie? You crumbling already? [laughs.]
Must be hard.
I bet you're probably used to getting your way out there.
But down in here, I decide who stays and who goes.
And I got a lot of time, Chapman.
A lot of time to think.
[lawyer.]
According to your written testimony, you saw the defendant point a gun - at Desi Piscatella's head, correct? - Yes.
[lawyer.]
Where were you when the CERT officers stormed the pool? [Black Cindy.]
I was in the closet.
So you didn't see what happened when the officers stormed the pool, correct? All you saw before you left the pool was Tasha Jefferson pointing a gun at Desi Piscatella, correct? - [sighs.]
- Ms.
Hayes, is that correct? [sighs.]
Yes.
Inmate Denning, get up.
You're coming with me.
What? Why? Let's go.
Move it.
In.
[alternative rock song playing.]