Scrubs s06e11 Episode Script

J.
D.
: On slow days like this, we all find ways to pass the time.
Dr.
Cox tortured the interns All right now, children, I know your shifts are over and you're all excited about going home, but first we're going to play a little game called "Answer the Question Correctly or Stay Here Forever.
" Debbie, what are the neoplastic causes of hyperprolactinemia? Uh, ectopic tumor production secondary to renal carcinoma? Close, but no ciggie.
You'll be staying here forever.
Did you think that was a little too mean? - No? - Wrong.
It damn sure was.
You're staying here forever.
And Kenyan Intern, can you answer me this? Is it even possible to give the right answer in this game? - No.
- Correct.
Yes.
Unfortunately, you're still staying here forever.
My game, my rules.
Come.
J.
D.
: Elliot and Carla had joined the common practice of dividing up the stuff left behind when a patient dies.
Score I am going to have Keith give me these later in front of people.
Look, I can use this ratty thing to turn Turk off when I'm not in the mood This is good.
Oh, my God.
Mrs.
Travis, we are so sorry.
We thought that you were dead.
Yours? I'll put it right back.
And the Janitor was killing time in the way he always does.
(MONITOR BEEPING) Crash cart to bed three, stat! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) We got you.
He's not really dying.
I made a device that makes the sound of a flatline.
It also makes that "beep-beep" sound of a truck backing up.
I use that on people who are sensitive about their weight.
I'm sure it's a blast.
(BEEPING) Okay, I've put on a few, but my son's new fiancé, Kenny, owns a Cinnabon franchise.
What the hell am I supposed to do? As for Turk and I, we had just checked on a patient who had a pig valve installed in his heart, which sparked a lively medical debate.
So, if you could have any animal part, what would it be? - That's easy.
- Besides an elephant's penis.
Oh, then I need a sec.
Whale's blowhole.
That way when I'm playing submarine in the bathtub I would never have to come up for air.
That's cool.
Wanna know what animal parts I'd want? I could guess.
Man, there's no milk for my coffee.
Say no more.
Thanks, pal.
Welcome.
You know what would go great with that coffee? What's that? (SCREAMING) - Turkey bacon.
- Yeah.
- You'd be like a big breakfast machine.
- Yeah.
(DOOR BANGING) Finally, something happened that broke the monotony.
This guy from the ER, he tried to kill himself by jumping off a building.
Let's go, people.
Lend a hand.
(BEEPING) I'm hiring a trainer, damn it.
(INAUDIBLE) J.
D.
: When a patient regains consciousness from a head trauma, the first order of business is simple.
Do you know what your name is? I don't remember.
Okay, well, usually in this type of situation, we'd refer to you as a John Doe, but I think that's so impersonal.
I'm gonna call you Roger Templeton.
I'm just kidding.
Found your wallet.
Your name's really Roger Templeton.
A little memory-loss humor, okay? No? All right.
I think what you probably have is a little temporary retrograde amnesia, very common with this sort of injury.
What you need to do is get some rest.
Amnesia? What did he say when you told him he tried to commit suicide? I didn't tell him.
He doesn't need to deal with that right now.
Hell, maybe we should never tell him.
I know I'd love to forget all the painful things that have happened to me, but unfortunately I keep replaying them in my head like some clip show from a bad sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.
(EXCLAIMING) (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (YELLING) That's odd.
(JANITOR SCREAMING) (NECK CRACKING) (GROANING) Hey, J.
D.
Yes? (YELLING) Hold it! (EXCLAIMING) (GROANING) (ALARM BLARING) Oh, no.
(SIREN BLARING) So, you're saying you'd be just fine waking up one morning having forgotten parts of your life? No, just the bad stuff, like The Matrix sequels and that time we went skiing and I got my lip mole stuck in the zipper of my puffy coat.
There are so many moments in my life I will never forget.
Oh, like that time my dad accidentally glued my mom's legs together after testing out his new homemade sex lube.
Your dad's awesome.
There's certainly been a lot of odd moments around here and for some reason, whenever I think about them, The Fray is always playing.
puts me over to you.
I just thought it would be a difficult case.
No, not that Fray song.
This Fray song.
Where was I? This is the reason why your headache didn't go away.
That's actually pronounced "ah-nuhl-gesic," not "anal-gesic.
" Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
You know, I actually like Julie, so don't do that thing that you always do.
If you're referring to the game "Find the saltine," relax.
I don't even play that with Turk anymore.
- Behind your ear.
- My friend, you have found the saltine.
Don't tell Elliot we're still playing.
- When did you meet Morgan Freeman? - That's my mom.
Okay, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Nine, nine-and-a-half.
You know why? It's not because I have the name Johnny tattooed on my butt.
He's an old sailor buddy, and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.
- Have you been drinking? - I'm not drunk.
Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer? You mean, "Why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?" (EXCLAIMING) Hey, those nuts are for my brother.
Please don't eat them all.
Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior? Are you watching Sesame Street? You know, when I was a kid, I had my first sex dream about Mr.
Hooper.
At least I think it was a sex dream.
He was trying to choke me.
Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
You know, you're right.
I was an idiot to buy these Shower Shortz.
I mean, it's not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet.
Shower Shortz? For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
Did you know they're actually experimenting with a drug that can erase stuff from your head, like memories, dreams I don't remember any of my dreams, anyway, except for the ones involving cheese and Tyra Banks.
Baby, don't worry, you have nothing to be threatened by.
In my book, it goes cheese, you, Tyra.
Well, I know one person who's not down with erasing dreams, right, J.
D.
? I was already gone.
Holy inferiority complex, Batman, how low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy? It could be worse, Robin.
You could be Alfred, the butler.
Damn you, sir.
- Kronk, why do you go now? - Oh, hey, you're up.
I got a ton of bricks for Dr.
Dorian.
Is it hot in here? It's, like It's hot.
Yeah, I got something to say to Dr.
Cox! I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see! And this Friday, at the steel cage medi-slam, I'm gonna give you a physical that you ain't never gonna forget! I'm gonna probe you 'cause I'm the intern! (GRUNTING) (TRUCK HONKING) Answer me! Show me boobs! There they are! Bring it on, bitch.
And as you can see, the ass is on the front.
You missed a spot.
Whack a Newbie! Whack, whack! Damn! Missed me! I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I think, I don't like the way I feel about how I look and think.
I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big and I'm too short.
Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo? J.
D.
! I'm telling you, you guys should daydream more often.
All you have to do is tilt your head to the left and then let your mind run free, like an eagle.
J.
D.
: As I wondered if I looked that stupid when I fantasized, I decided to check on Mr.
Templeton.
Unfortunately, he was up and had a question.
- How did I get hurt? - Damn it.
- So, what'd you do? - I did what any good doctor would do.
I turned up his morphine drip so he'd go back to sleep.
(MONITOR BEEPING) Oh, you guys, thank God you're here.
This lady is in very serious condition.
You've all heard about my flatline device? Yeah? Okay, well, forgive me for trying to liven things up around here by faking an old stranger's death.
Plan B: Let's dance! Hey, you, yes or no? - What? - Well, it's a new game.
Yes or no? - No.
- Wrong.
Now, you have to stay here forever.
Go.
J.
D.
: I couldn't help being reminded of all the mean things we've done to each other over the years.
And I realized if I replayed them all in my head back to back, I could probably kill another couple of minutes.
You went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.
Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against.
Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is.
Hey, come here a sec.
We wanna do stuff to you.
(BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Don't do that annoying thing.
- What annoying thing? - You know, when you talk.
- Come on, that - See, there it is.
How does that not drive you crazy? Frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Hey, girl's name.
Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farah? Mary? My gal Friday.
You know, Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name.
It's short for Sandra.
Fiona.
Tiny Dancer.
Rhoda Babs Vivian.
Nancy Drew.
Sabrina.
Carol.
Skeech.
How about, "Go to hell, Shakira"? Murder, She Wrote.
COX: Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany.
No! Cheryl, Betsy, Betsy That's a new one.
- Betsy, good morning.
- I get it, I'm a girl.
Could you be a bigger ass right now? Could you have a bigger ass right now? I'm assuming since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self-respect, but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks, I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, I wouldn't have room for it anyway what with your testicles in my trophy case.
- Sir, I'm confused.
- You annoy me.
Oh, now I get it.
Hey, champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso.
How you doin'? Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished you were different in every single way? No.
I'm a winner.
Does this shade of red make me look like a clown? No, Barbie, no.
It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.
Frick! Frick! Double frick! Anybody got any extra ketchup packets? Thank you, Elliott.
- You're a jerk.
- You're a jerk.
- Jackass.
- Bite me.
Great guy.
After all, I'm the whiz kid.
You are now.
Anyway, Newbie, the reason I came down here was to tell you that Mr.
Take the Easy Way Out was awake again and wants to know why his lips taste like asphalt.
Somebody's got to go in there and tell him.
I'll go do it.
J.
D.
: We all knew Dr.
Cox was right because the truth is it's all of your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones, that make up who you are as a person.
- You know, I don't care what you think.
- Yeah, you do.
I know.
(SIGHING) Look, I wanna be like you, but a more successful you.
- Are you crying? - No.
I don't know.
I'm just completely hormonal.
I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Give me a break, I can knock that out on the way to work.
Hey, lady, I'm proud of what you're doing here.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks? I don't.
I care what you think.
J.
D.
: Then I witnessed one of those moments that let me know in my heart that these two would be together forever.
Who cares? (SIGHING) We're having a baby.
We're having a baby.
Yeah, we are.
- A baby.
- Yeah.
- A little you.
- Yeah and with a lot of you.
There's one more thing you have to do for me.
You can't keep me from getting drunk.
You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
(LAUGHING) - You are so annoying.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good.
Hey, where's your camera? Aren't you gonna take some pictures? Pictures of what? You know, the crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, you know, the whole routine.
Where do you think we are? I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am.
Not because you did the best you could for those patients, but because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard.
And I gotta tell you, man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I wanna be.
(SIGHING) It really has been an amazing six years, hasn't it? I wouldn't change a single moment, would you? Oh, I'd damn sure change this moment.
In fact, I'd change this moment and every other moment you and I have ever had that's even remotely like this moment.
- Turk, can I ask you a quick favor? - I am not giving you a hug.
J.
D.
: I hate this place.