That '70s Show s06e11 Episode Script

So, guys, guess what.
I found the perfect place for me and Eric to get married.
Where, Donna? Please tell us.
Okay, well that place up by the lake that overlooks the entire valley Where people go for romance.
You mean mount Hump? People don't go there for the romance, Donna.
They go there for the humping.
Eric, let's go up there tomorrow and check it out.
I know the cruiser's in the shop, but we could take my dad's car.
Donna, he's got that "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker.
Yeah, well, I'd scrape it off, but "I brake for boobies" is underneath it.
Why are you guys all in Steven's room? Well, Hyde was here, so I came in because I'm not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Yeah, but it's all gray, like a prison cell.
Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Really? I always thought it was the loss of freedom And the uninvited man love.
Steven, I just think that you would be happier if you saw pretty things.
Like when I look at myself in the mirror, I'm happy.
When I look at you, I'm happy too, but when you talk, eh Hey, Eric, I have to ask you a very important question.
Can I borrow your G.
I.
Joe for a little experiment? No.
I thought you were gonna say "yes.
" And by the way, the experiment was a success.
G.
I.
Joe melts faster than cheese.
Kelso, you can't just take my things without asking permission.
Come on, we're friends.
I figure what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
What's Donna's is mine, too.
Kelso! Yeah, Barbie didn't make it, either.
No one likes to see civilian casualties.
♪ That's weird.
My finger's due back tomorrow, but my hand's due back next week.
You know, Michael, I was a little worried about starting to date you, but lately, you've really impressed me.
Well, that's the police motto To serve and impress.
I thought it was "serve and protect.
" They just changed it.
Maybe you could take me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow.
We'll hear the baby's heartbeat.
Seriously? You want me to do baby stuff with you? Yeah, you've been really great these last few weeks.
Yes, I have.
And there's no telling what you'll do next.
One day you might even read one of these things.
Yeah, let's just pray to God that day never comes.
Stupid Kelso.
Guess what I packed.
I'm gonna have to go with picnic.
You win.
So when do I get my car back? I don't know.
We're scouting places to have the wedding.
You don't need to scout anywhere but the inside of a church.
What better place to start a happy life than our lady of perpetual sorrow? Well, dad, the thing is we're not getting married in a church.
But we are thinking about getting married at mount Hump, which is sort of the church of humping.
Well, no church, no car, just like it says in the bible.
Well, the bible doesn't say anything about taking Kelso's van.
Donna, we can't just take it.
Of course we can.
What's his is yours, remember? Do it for the liquefied face of g.
I.
Joe.
I can't think of a more fitting way to honor the real American hero.
♪ You're welcome, big guy.
What's this for? No reason.
I was just thinking about you And how we've been through a lot together.
No, we haven't.
Oh, he gave you shoes.
What do you say, Red? What the hell is wrong with you? Or we say, "thank you very much.
" Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to give another man a pair of shoes? I saw 'em.
I thought they'd go nice with your tan pants.
Quit thinking about my pants! My legs and what covers them is my business.
He's very sensitive about his legs.
You know, he shouldn't be.
They're shapely, like a lady dancer.
Maybe that's why he's so sensitive.
♪ Oh, finally.
I've been waiting all afternoon.
I'm about to burst! Hey, man.
Thinking maybe you should wait out here.
No, no, no, Fez.
You should see this.
It's a dream come true.
Surprise! Jackie, what the hell happened to my room? I redecorated it.
Now if a stranger comes in here, he'd never know you were poor.
Looks like something for a girl.
I like it.
Or Fez.
I can't live like this.
I'm getting sick just looking at it.
Yes, yes, Steven, that sick feeling is your orphan soul coming alive.
Jackie, just put it all back, okay? Make it ugly and dirty like I like it.
Well, excuse me for spending all morning putting up twinkle lights that are breathtaking, pillows as soft as marshmallows and scented candles that make you feel like you're running through a field like Laura freakin' ingalls! Okay, okay.
We came here for a reason.
Now should I start and you watch, or should you start and I watch? Either way, I'll be done first.
♪ So I told Hyde he could watch while Jackie and I do it.
And then he beat my ass with a twinkle light.
Where's my van? Now I parked it right here! Calm down.
You probably just lost it again.
Where was the last place you had it? Right here! Somebody stole my van! (gasps) That's horrible! I left a brand-new bag of tootsie rolls in there.
Fez! Okay, okay, it was just half a bag.
But if you talk to the insurance company, just tell them it was a whole bag.
I finally got Brooke to trust me, and if I don't take her to this doctor's appointment, I'm dead.
What am I gonna do? Don't beat yourself up.
It's only tootsie rolls.
Look, I'm gonna take Red's car.
I know he's got a hide-a-key in there somewhere.
Are you brain-damaged? Fez, did you just say, "are you brain-damaged?" and sound exactly like Red? Kelso, you know I only do Johnny Carson and Pepe le Pew.
Get away from my car.
Your car, my car.
Aren't we all just driving the same car? It's a car called life.
How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass? A simple "no" would suffice.
♪ Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give another man.
Well, what about when you joined the service? Another man issued you your boots.
But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.
Well, why don't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend? You don't understand how men work.
We don't give each other presents.
We pretty much ignore each other until someone scores a touchdown.
You should listen to me.
I know how to be a friend, and you obviously don't, since you don't have any.
I have plenty of friends.
Charlie's a friend.
He saved my life during the war.
And when is the last time you talked to Charlie? We said all we needed to say on the boat back home.
♪ I don't believe this.
This is crazy.
(sniffs) not bad.
(barry white) ♪ feels so good ♪ Nice.
♪ lying here next to me ♪ It's so soft.
So smooth.
Ahh.
♪ my hands just won't keep still ♪ Oh, yeah! Isn't this amazing? It is called mount hump because people come here to hump? Or do people come here to hump Because it's called mount hump? It's like the chicken or the egg.
Well, I have a really good feeling about this place.
Donna, there are panties in the grass.
Well, fez collects panties.
So we could just set him loose up here Before the ceremony.
So quiet and peaceful.
Can't hear anything.
Actually, I hear a car.
(crash) Oh, man, some poor sucker Just totally got into an accident.
♪ (bell dinging) Your chariot has arrived, my lady.
What happened to your van? A little problem with the van.
I can't find it.
Michael, people lose keys to a van, Not the whole van.
Now I'm gonna miss my doctor's appointment.
Look, brooke, this is not my fault.
You're right.
It's my fault for depending on you.
Okay, I can fix this.
Just hop on the handlebars and I'll pedal you there.
Hello! I'm pregnant! Okay, fine.
You pedal and I'll ride.
♪ Oh, look.
Here you are with all your friends.
You claim to have all these friends.
Here are last year's christmas cards.
Kitty, a card from the jose cuervo collector's club Doesn't count.
Fine.
I can afford to throw this one away Because I have 55 more.
I will keep this because it has a coupon in it.
Anyway, it doesn't matter Because I'm keeping the shoes.
A good shoe is a good shoe no matter where it comes from.
Oh, it's like I'm walking on a pile of baby ducks.
Well, hello there, Senor fancy sheets.
I love the way jackie decorated your room.
It's all glittery, like-- Like an italian person lives there.
You let your girlfriend decorate your room? She also buy you a new dress? Yeah, I guess I have a lot to answer for.
Then again, I never accepted a pair of shoes From another man.
I knew it was a weird gift! Kitty said it wasn't.
They're nice.
Steven, tell him they're nice.
Nah, can't do it.
But you know what? Maybe she's right.
Maybe you should keep the shoes And give bob a present in return, Like a necklace or some sexy lingerie.
♪ Man, poor kelso's van.
When it finally landed, It didn't so much crash as completely separate Into its basic elements and just return to nature.
It was so sad.
There were tootsie rolls everywhere.
Yes, took a nap in my room.
My goose down duvet is like a cocoon.
I laid down a caterpillar and woke up a butterfly.
Maybe you with your room and red with his shoes Should get a room And decorate it with red's shoes.
Ha! Burn! Man, you just don't understand what it's like To have a bed that hugs you like you're a little baby.
It's like crawling into a mommy kangaroo.
I miss my kangaroo.
Remember when I said that he should decorate his room With red's shoes? Ha! Burn! (hyde screams) Hyde's in trouble! She took it all down.
Did you just scream like a girl? No.
(sighs) What happened to my lavender-scented candle? Did you just say, "what happened to my lavender-scented candle?" No.
♪ Thank you.
Oh, okay, so I made appointments With all the doctors in your address book 'cause I don't know which one was the woo-woo doctor.
You know what? Stay out of my stuff.
I'll take care of things myself 'cause you obviously aren't responsible enough to handle it.
Oh, kelso, you're here.
Um, hey, can I borrow your van For a little experiment? No.
Oh.
I thought you were gonna say "yes.
" Oh, my god.
Is that my steering wheel? It's the biggest piece I could find.
Listen, kelso, I am so sorry.
I took the van to mount hump, And I forgot to set the parking brake.
I'm just really sorry.
The horn doesn't honk anymore.
Look, you know, at first, it seemed okay Because you melted my g.
I.
Joe.
But I mean, it's not as bad as destroying a van, so I don't know why I just said that.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I do.
You know, I called michael irresponsible, But he's not.
You are.
You're an irresponsible, twitchy little man! Okay, please, just don't bump me With that thing.
Wait.
If he's irresponsible, That means I'm the good one.
I'm the good one now! Yeah, he's obviously the dumb one of your group.
Hey, he really is.
♪ Red forman, don't you dare Throw those shoes away.
I just can't keep 'em, kitty.
Every time I wear them, I'll feel bob touching my feet.
Are you throwing away my shoes? No, no, no, no.
He is not throwing away your shoes.
He is getting rid of that pesky new shoe smell By rubbing old food on them.
I'm throwing them away, bob.
Look, I appreciate the thought.
No, well, that's not true.
I mean Shoes are a weird gift to give another man.
I mean, what's next? A weekend in cancun? Okay, fine.
I bought the shoes for myself, But they pinched my toes, So I decided to pawn 'emff on you as a gift.
You were just trying to screw me over? Well, I can respect that.
Thanks for the shoes, bob.
See, I have a friend.
No, no.
This is not the way friends act.
He was gonna throw away your present, bob.
Come on, kitty.
I gave him shoes.
That's weird.
I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face right then.
I almost did.
(laughing) ♪ Jackie, what the hell? Why'd you take everything down? You said, "take everything down.
" Well, you didn't have to.
You said, "you have to.
" I didn't mean it.
You said, "I mean it.
" Look, just put it all back.
Not until you admit you loved it.
Jackie, who cares who's right or wrong here? Isn't the important thing that you make me happy? Who are you talking to? Do you even know me? Fine.
I loved it.
And? The twinkle lights were breathtaking.
And? The scented candles made me feel like laura ingalls.
All right, that's it.
We need to find another place to get married.
I just wrote out, "you are cordial invited to mount hump," And I died a little inside.
Well, then I guess we should also rule out The scenic banks of nipple creek.
Where is michael? You know, whenever he tells me he has a surprise for me, It makes me a little nervous.
It's probably just 'cause the last time He said that to you, you got pregnant.
Tires squeal) So what do you think? I think barbie's probably worried sick That her convertible's missing.
I thought you were getting another van.
Oh, so did I, But then I saw this baby down at the police auction, And I knew it was destined to be mine.
Well, hey, man, can I give you some money? No, it was pretty cheap.
Some guy got stabbed in it.
So nobody else bid on it.
It's pretty sweet, huh? It's frickin' awesome.
Is it the car, or are you more handsome? It's the car.
And I'm more handsome.
Michael, don't you think it's a little impractical? Impractical? More like imperfecticable.
This thing is totally baby-friendly.
Remind me again how it's baby-friendly.
Cause it's tiny, just like a baby.
(manly voice) barbie, you are gross, but I still love you.
(high-pitched voice) really? Even though my face is melted off? (manly voice) yes, but your perfect plastic boobs Remain untouched jewels.
(high-pitched voice) oh, can my twin sister watch? (manly voice) why just watch? There's plenty of joe to go around.
I didn't see you.