The Goldbergs s06e11 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, the weddings of the '80s.
It was a night filled with frilly dresses, mustachioed bandleaders, and embarrassing uncles on the dance floor.
That's why I couldn't wait for my brother to get married to Lainey Lewis.
- We're getting married! [Laughs.]
- Whoo! And in my house, it was all wedding, all the time.
There she is, the woman who made the little devil who's taking my angel.
And there's the man who once broke one of our dining room chairs 'cause he sat down too fast.
[Both laugh.]
You know, I know the bride's side always does the planning, but now that they picked a date and it's coming fast, I thought I would just check in, make sure I'm on track.
Smart.
So, tell me about the florist.
Can't, 'cause there ain't one.
You've at least booked a wedding singer, right? Strike two! Please tell me you booked a venue.
Of course.
I'm deciding between the parking lot of my tile store or nothing, 'cause there is no venue.
And so my mom sprang into action and selflessly planned the dream wedding she always wanted.
What the hell is all this? Groom in the room! Everybody cover up! This is not a drill! Welcome to Wedding HQ.
Don't look at or touch anything.
I want it to be a surprise on your big day.
Mom's sparing no expense, so Dad will definitely not be able to retire.
It's scary and hilarious.
We just finished our cake tasting, and this is the one you like best.
Why the hell is there a middle-aged blonde lady between the bride and groom on my cake topper? I think you know why, pal.
Mom, this room is crazy! This is all way too much.
Nothing is too much for my curly-haired groom.
Which we're going to feather back on the wedding day to make you look just like a masculine Farrah Fawcett.
I told you, me and Lainey just want a small wedding with a deejay and spaghetti bar.
Well, when it's your wedding, you can serve spaghetti.
It is my wedding! Let me explain exactly how this works.
I know exactly what you want, not you.
How is that even possible? See, your body grew in my body, transferring all your thoughts and choices into me.
But I am me! I know what me wants! No, I am you, and you want what I want.
That's ironclad logic from where I sit.
[Smooches.]
Man! This wedding's turning into a whole thing, huh? Yeah, 'cause it's a wedding.
You know, I had my doubts this wildly misguided event would even happen, but here we are.
Seems that way, but nah.
- "Nah," what? - "Nah" to getting married, 'cause I'm making a terrible mistake.
[Chuckles nervously.]
It was January 9th, 1980-something, and I had a wedding proposal of my own.
My one and only business card, fine sir.
POPS: "Adam F.
Goldberg, wedding videographer and media consultant.
" "$1,000 cash or equivalent in Garbage Pail Kids.
" What's a Garbage Pail Kid? It's baseball cards for kids who hate baseball.
Come on! Just hire me.
We're family.
It's like the old saying "Always do business with family.
" How can you even ask me to do this after what you did to cousin Susan's wedding video? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
ADAM: Da party! Party! Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman.
Also starring Susan.
Um, she's the bride.
It's Beverly my mom.
[Imitates chomping.]
[Deep voice.]
Such good grub, man.
That is why I'm not hiring you.
It's true.
Itzel eats so loud.
He's the worst.
Weddings are supposed to be fancy and special, not a showcase for your stupid brand of stupid.
W-Wait, this is a wedding video? No, no, Adam.
No, no.
You're turning on me, too? But you love my schtick.
A wedding is a no-schtick zone! Oh, yeah? Well, when I become the most famous wedding videographer in the world, you'll both regret this moment as long as you live.
I'm totally at peace with this decision.
ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Pops doubted my serious side, Barry was having serious doubts about his wedding.
I can't marry Lainey! I'm just a dumb kid! I still get super angry when someone else gets a gift.
The wedding is weeks away, and you're just realizing you're an idiot now? I always had a sense, but now it's confirmed.
All this wedding stuff happened so fast, I just couldn't figure out how to stop it.
It happened fast because you said, "Let's have a fast wedding!" I only did that 'cause people said slow down.
But you proposed and insisted on doing this.
That's only 'cause people insisted I call it off.
But you picked a random date that was alarmingly close! That's 'cause people said don't pick a date until you know you're absolutely ready.
I had no choice.
They boxed me in.
Dude, this is exactly why I told you to not get a crush on Lainey or ask her out or date her or fall in love with her or propose to her.
Which is exactly why I did all those things! Great, now you're gonna devastate her and completely ruin my life! I'm so sorry.
I didn't know this wedding was all about you.
Of course it is.
Lainey is my best friend.
I dropped out of college to start a band with her.
Now you're gonna break her heart and drive her straight out of town.
You want me to get married just to keep your band together? - Could you? - No! Well, then, when you tell Lainey, I got to be there to pick up the pieces.
Ooh! Maybe we'll turn her heartbreak into a hit song about falling in love with a pasty sewer goblin who broke her heart.
- I don't like that song.
- It isn't about you.
Now go break up with your fiancée for me.
Lainey, please don't cry.
I love you more than anything! Thank you so much for pulling the plug! Oh, sweet Lord, thank you.
- What? - Seriously? I mean, when you proposed under the stars, it was super romantic, and I was like, "Hell yeah, let's do this.
" That's what I was like.
But then everyone said, like, "You're too young.
You can't do this.
" And I was like, "Suck it, family and friends.
I'll do it just to show you I can!" That was exactly my train of thought! But then everyone caved and got on board, a-and it all became too real, and I was hoping you'd pull the plug, but you didn't, so I was like, "Oh, well, this is my life, I guess.
" I was like that, too! I mean, I was freaking out 'cause marrying you would for sure ruin my dream of becoming a Hollywood rock superstar.
And I thought you were gonna hold me back from all my hopes and dreams! Aww, babe! I love you so much for not wanting to marry me.
- Yes! - It was the perfect un-proposal.
Meanwhile, I needed the perfect way to become a serious filmmaker.
Hey, is your mom around? I just finished addressing all the wedding invitations 'cause she was scary.
Wait, you're super sensitive.
I need to prove to my dad that I can make a wedding video filled with heart.
Tell me what I need.
Oh, man.
I freakin' love weddings.
The vows, the toasts, the little flower girl dancing on her daddy's shoes, the crusty, old great-grandfather who willed himself to stay alive just to see the beautiful day.
It's just too much, man! Interesting, interesting.
Where do you land on hilarious sound effects or frequent skits where I play both Hans and Franz? Dude, the only funny thing in a wedding video should be the groom jamming a piece of wedding cake into the bride's mouth as she laughs, but we all know that she is pissed! Then I got nothing.
I give up.
You know what your problem is? You're obsessed with making everything funny.
I mean, look at these posters.
Your room's like a museum for dumb comedy.
Fine, Gene Shalit! Then what should I be watching? The classics that have real characters and heart and drama.
I-I mean, look at this.
You have a poster for "Time Bandits" and not "The Godfather.
" Ugh.
Not a fan.
Not a fan of the greatest movie of all time? I mean, I heard good things, so I gave it a shot, but woof.
Total snoozefest.
So you really only watch comedies? - That's what you're saying? - No! I also watch sci-fi and horror and fantasy and sci-fi horror fantasy and anything set at a wacky summer camp.
Dude, let me bottom-line this for you.
Stop filming silly stuff and just focus on the heart.
That's it! I'll go to the man who has more heart than anyone I know.
- [Beeping.]
- Pops! Stop randomly pushing buttons.
I need your help.
And I need your help to heat up this matzo brei.
Your mom made too big of a batch, so I had her seal it in a baggie so I could freeze it There's no time to tell me the colorful history of that matzo brei.
I need a huge favor.
Okay, but it's a great story from pan to plate.
Can you tell it fast? No! I need stories, but not about matzo brei.
You're gonna help me prove to Dad that I can make a heartfelt video.
You want heartfelt? I'll make it so there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.
- [Microwave dings.]
- Ooh! Oy.
As my serious interview was on, Lainey's dad had just been told the sad news the wedding was off.
Sweet Moses on buttered toast! Miracles do happen! Maybe pull it back a little, Dad.
I can't help it.
I'm just so glad you're not throwing away your future on this boy-shaped bag of cheese.
That sounds like it was at my expense.
- For sure, buddy.
- This is going well.
To be honest, when I first met you, I was not a fan.
And then I grew on you.
You have not.
But none of that matters now, because you and I are not gonna be family.
Get in here.
Ohh! O-kay.
We should wrap this up.
Time to go break the news to Bev.
Oh, you better hop to it.
She left this morning to hire you a wedding singer.
Wedding singer? Yep, Mom schlepped all the way to Jersey to hire the hottest party entertainer around.
[Singing in Yiddish.]
Back then, there was no better wedding singer than Robbie Hart.
Holy God, this guy is the best I've ever seen.
[Singing in Yiddish.]
Mazel tov - Ya, ya, ya! - Ya, ya, ya! Oh, wow! Time to book me a wedding singer.
L'chaim! Eat [bleep.]
, Charles and Diana.
I'm throwing the wedding of the century.
In order to prove to my dad I could make an emotional wedding video, I began shooting my first-ever serious interview.
All right, Pops.
I need emotion and heart.
Just look into the camera and tell Barry and Lainey everything you feel.
- Everything? - Everything.
Barry and Lainey, words can't describe how I feel about you two.
Makes me think back to my own life.
I had no parents.
I had brothers who said, "If you get married, we won't help you.
" I had a rare condition.
My appendix burst inside without causing me any pain.
I have one large scar across my abdomen and one scar all the way down my right side.
And I had my kidney one of my kidneys removed.
Can I erase that erase about the kidney? That's all I have to say.
Uh cut? That was fun.
How'd I do? We've had a lot of fun here.
Maybe too much.
Let's stop.
Well, if you need anything else, just let me know.
See you later, kiddo.
Dude, all you got to do is show this tale of personal devastation to your dad, and the gig is yours.
You don't think I should lighten it up a smidge? You know, cut in a rim shot or slide whistle? Dig a few chuckles out of it.
Do not dig for chuckles! Here's what I'm thinking.
Barry and Lainey, words can't describe how I feel about you two.
[Fart noise.]
- It just makes me burst.
- [Deep fart noise.]
- Your love is so special.
- [Squeaky fart noise.]
- So big.
- [Loud fart noise.]
- Thoughts? - You got serious problems, man.
Your grandfather just bared his soul, and now you want to fart it up? I can't help myself.
I can't not make something funny.
It's the only way I can deal.
Deal with what? With my life in this ridiculous family and at school, where I feel anxious and awkward and desperately try to fit in! And keyboard farts help you fit in how? 'Cause they make me happy.
That's what big, funny movies and TV shows do for me.
They let me escape and forget for a few lousy hours that I'm lazy-eyed Adam Goldnerd.
Wow.
That's really deep, man.
I had no idea.
I think we both know what has to happen now.
No! D-Don't do it, man! We connected! You got deep! [Loud, long fart noise.]
[Noise stops.]
[Sighs.]
ADULT ADAM: While I bailed on making serious videos, my mom was still on a serious quest to book Robbie Hart, no matter where he was.
Oh, yes, it's ladies' night And the feeling's right Oh, yes, it's ladies' night Oh, what a oh, what a night Oh, yes, it's ladies' night Oh, what a night Chaka Khan! [Scattered applause.]
Uh, hey, there.
Hi.
I'm Beverly Goldberg.
I'm sorry to just barge in on you, but it's kind of my thing, and this is really important.
No bother.
It is ladies' night, after all.
Even though it's lunchtime.
[Chuckles.]
What do you need? Well, my boy-king is taking a shiksa bride, so I'm here to lock down Robbie Hart.
Robbie Hart? Oh, God, no.
He's lost it.
Really? He was wonderful at the Horowitz Bar Mitzvah.
And that's all he books, ever since he tried to strangle the father of a bride with a microphone cord.
Lucky for you, there's a new sheriff in wedding town, and his name is Jimmie Moore! Listen, you have a real bullish tenacity that reminds me of me, but this wedding has to be perfect for me - for them.
- And it will be.
Seeing as I have no other choice, I guess you're hired.
I'll need a non-refundable cash deposit.
Consider it non-refundabled! - Mom! - Barry! I just non-refundably booked our wedding singer! About that Barry has something very important he'd like to share with you.
Barry, speak now.
I just cannot wait for this wedding.
Lainey, anything I'm leaving out that you'd like to say? - Only that I'm equally excited.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
Barry, anything else you want your mom to know? That I appreciate her more than anything.
Lainey, just tell her.
I can't wait for you to be my mom.
[Laughing.]
Oh! Jimmie! We'll see you on the dance floor.
Ohh! Oh, God.
Now your mom just thinks we totally love and appreciate her! We made it so much worse! Please help us not get married, Mr.
Wedding Singer.
Well, kids, I think we all know there's only one mature option here.
Go through with the marriage and live a painful life of what-ifs.
This sleazy guy we just met is right! There's no going back! This is our life now! Let's get you two lovebirds married.
But Lainey didn't want that life, so she turned to a guy she knew could bail her out.
- Hey, pal.
- Gah! It's me Lainey.
Yeah, I know.
W-What are you doing here? I need you to help me make a goodbye video to everyone I love, 'cause I can't tell them face-to-face that I'm getting the hell out of here and moving to L.
A.
- So they have no idea? - None.
- My dad doesn't even know.
- Why me? You're the one who makes movies, and this is the most serious, important one of your entire life.
I really think you got the wrong guy.
Dude, all you do is make videos for your family.
- Now make one for me.
- Okay, then.
Challenge accepted and most likely not completed correctly.
Hello, everyone Lainey loves.
Thanks for gathering on such short notice.
I've prepared a plate of Teddy Grahams and juice boxes.
Boopie, hurry it up.
The wedding's less than two weeks away, and I still haven't booked a swan wrangler.
Yeah, I'd put a pin in that till you watch the video.
Mind you, it's a bit heavy, so I lightened it up a smidge.
GLORIA LORING: You take the good, you take the bad You take them both, and there you have - The facts of - ADAM: Lainey - The facts of - Lainey What the hell is this, moron? Whatever it is, I'm digging the theme song.
- you know about the facts of - Lainey - The facts of - Lainey When the world never seems I'm not on a TV show yet.
What's happening? Hey, guys.
Let me begin by saying this is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell anyone.
- [Canned laughter.]
- ADULT ADAM: Once again, I couldn't handle filming all that emotion, so I added some laughs literally.
If I don't give my dreams a shot now, I know I'm gonna regret it forever.
[Canned laughter.]
Mrs.
G, I know how much time and energy you've put into this wedding, and all I can say is, I'm sorry.
[Canned cheers.]
Erica, I don't know what this means for our band, but I do know with your talent, there is nowhere you can't go.
- [Canned "Ooh" s.]
- Dad, I know this is one of my more crazy, impulsive decisions [Canned hooting.]
but it's just something I have to do.
- [Canned cheers.]
- And, Barry, [voice breaking.]
what can I say? I will always love you.
[Canned laughter.]
[Applause.]
So, I guess that's it.
- I love you all.
- [Fart noise.]
Dook on a doughnut! Lainey's gone?! Tell me what happens on the next episode! I tried to tell her I was the wrong guy for the project! How could she leave?! What about our band?! What about my future daughter-in-law?! What about my current daughter?! What about all my non-refundable deposits?! Oh, poop! We got to talk some sense into that girl.
- Where is she? - Heading to the airport.
That's where the planes take off! We got to get over there! Or maybe we respect Lainey's wishes and finally let her spread her wings on her own.
Are ya happy, Geoff? You just wasted 10 seconds.
I'm going to the airport.
I'm coming for ya, French fry! Okay, everyone stop! We all know who needs to do this.
Go.
Damn it, she's right.
Go bring her back to us, kid.
[Canned "Aww" s.]
[Chuckles.]
Sorry.
I couldn't take it anymore.
[Chuckles.]
- You got a problem.
- I really do.
ADULT ADAM: Even though Lainey made the easy choice to just cut and run, Barry would never let the love of his life fly away without a fight.
Would you like the peanuts or the pretzels? She'll have the me.
Barry, what are you doing here? Bro, switch seats with me.
I'm in first class.
Billy Idol's up there.
Sweet! You're here? Seriously? Look, I'm sorry I followed you.
Don't be.
I didn't say goodbye 'cause I thought it would be easier, but it just made me feel worse.
Well, the good news is, you don't have to say it, 'cause I'm coming with you.
- Barry - I mean it.
Wherever you are, that's where I'll be.
Honestly, I wish it was that simple.
We both know you can't just pick up and leave.
And we both know when it comes to you, I'd do anything.
BILLY IDOL: Right now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment.
One of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers.
Wait, what's Billy Idol talking about? There's a whole thing going on up there.
ROBBIE: I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All I want to do Is grow old with you That's so sweet.
It really is.
- I'll miss you - [Passengers murmuring.]
Kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold Need you Feed you Even let you hold the remote control [Laughs.]
I wish that was us.
It is us.
No, these two are just so ready to be together, to grow old together.
So are we.
Bar, we love each other, but we're just two impulsive kids.
We have our whole lives ahead of us.
As much as I hoped this flight would be the start of something huge for us, I guess it really means goodbye.
For now.
Just promise me when the time's right you'll come back to me.
Promise.
Oh, I could be the man Who grows old with you I wanna grow old with you ADULT ADAM: In the end, it took two strangers madly in love to show Barry and Lainey that instead of trying to grow old together, they had to grow up first.
Any luck, son? No.
Aw, schmoopie.
[Exhales deeply.]
That's okay, buddy.
[Sniffles.]
Hey.
Let's talk.
I know.
I'm a moron.
I made you blow a ton of money on me.
I'll pay you back somehow, okay? [Sighs deeply.]
I don't care about the money.
I just care about you.
Truth is I know how hard this is for you.
- You really don't.
- [Scoffs.]
You forget that I was engaged to another woman before your mother.
And like you, I was young, stubborn, and stupid.
- And what happened? - Lucky for me, she knew in her heart that we weren't ready, and I took it hard.
I thought my life was over.
I get it.
But then I met your mom, and I found out my life was just beginning just like yours is.
ADAM: Hey.
I, uh I made you something.
I-I thought it might cheer you up.
Hey, don't come in here with another dumbass comedy video.
Actually this time, I kept it real.
I-I think this is the goodbye that Lainey wanted.
Barry and Lainey had always been the one couple everyone was rooting for.
Sure, they were mismatched, but together, their love just made sense.
That's why it was so heartbreaking they never got their happy ending.
At least, not in this decade.
Lainey's life took some crazy turns, but eventually, their paths would cross again.
As for me, I had been hiding behind jokes and making silly movies, but this very moment changed it all.
I learned that every story needs a little heart.
And in my family, we had a lot of it.
ADAM: Dunn-a dunna dun-a! Da party! Party! Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman.
We also have Susan.
Also Beverly.
[Imitates chomping.]
Oh, that's so good.
BOTH: I had brothers who said, "If you get married, we won't help you.
" I had a rare condition.
My appendix burst inside without causing me any pain.
I have one large scar across my abdomen and one scar all the way down my right side.
And I had my kidney one of my kidneys removed.
I only have one kidney now.
Maybe I shouldn't have said it.
Can I erase that erase about the kidney? Can I erase that erase about the kidney? I can't believe Pops actually said all this on camera.
Yeah, this one's a keeper, all right.
Keeper? No, you got to erase that.
Come on.
No one besides our family's ever gonna see this crazy video.
If I were you, I'd just tuck it away and then use it at my actual wedding to Lainey.
Oh, God.
Please don't go there.
I mean it.
We will end up together.
Maybe not now, but who knows where we'll be 10 years from now? ADULT ADAM: As off-base as my brother usually was, this time, he might've been onto something.