Bewitched (1964) s06e12 Episode Script

I've got a feeling in my bones this is the day I'm gonna lower my handicap.
I hope you do, sweetheart.
Gee, Sam.
I know you were up during the night with the baby.
I I feel like a heel running off and leaving you.
Don't be silly.
Saturday is your day.
Live it up.
Just say the word, and I'll stay and give you a hand.
I wouldn't dream of it.
I really wouldn't mind.
Darrin, will you go out there and lower your handicap while the lowering is good? Talked me into it.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
I hope you get a caddy that snickers.
Mommy, will you read Mother Goose to me? I can't, sweetheart.
I'm ironing Daddy's shirts.
Please.
I love Mother Goose.
Then why don't you read the pictures? Okay, Mommy, if you'll read the words.
Please? Well, all right, sweetheart.
But just for a little while.
Well, all right, sweetheart.
Let's see what we can find here.
Hey, this looks like a good one.
"Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon.
"The little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the spoon.
" Mommy, why did the dish run away with the spoon? Well, I guess it was Or maybe Well, let's see.
The dish ran away with the spoon because.
- Because why? - Because.
Oh, dear.
Your little brother's awake, and hungry.
He's not hungry, Mommy.
He's just crying for fun.
Want to hear me cry louder than Adam? No, thank you, sweetheart.
I can.
Yes, I know.
And if you're not careful, you may get a chance to prove it.
I was just kidding, Mommy.
I know what, Tabitha.
While I check on Adam, how would you like Esmeralda to come and read to you? - I'd like that.
- I thought so.
Yoo-hoo! Esmeralda? Yes, Samantha? - Hi, Esmeralda.
- Hi, Tabitha, sweetheart.
Well, I'm glad you brought your reading glasses.
Now could you just bring the rest of you? First, tell me who else is at home.
Darrin is playing golf.
Then I guess it's safe.
Esmeralda, do you like Mother Goose? Does she like me? I'm sure she would if she met you.
If you'll read to Tabitha, I'll tend to Adam's appetite.
I'd love to, Samantha.
All right.
It's a good book for reading.
- It has lots of pictures.
- Yes, I see.
Hello? Hi, Mrs Stephens.
How are you? You are? You do? Right away? Well, as a matter of fact, I am rather busy.
Well, if it's an emergency, perhaps you better come over and tell me about it.
Say, in a couple of hours? You're at the corner drugstore? Well, all right, Mrs Stephens.
I'll expect you.
Bye-bye.
Oh, good grief.
Esmeralda, who's Mother Goose? Mother Goose? Well, now, let me see.
Mother Goose was Mother Goose was Oh, dear me.
I've done it again.
I've just got to knock off that sneezing.
- Mother Goose! - Oh, yes.
I'm Mother Goose.
But who are you, child? You can't be Miss Muffet.
You have no tuffet.
- I'm Tabitha.
- How did I get here? Well, you see, I'm a witch, but my powers have sort of gone flooey.
So sometimes when I sneeze or hiccup, the involuntary act generates abnormal powers which materialise the thought nearest my cerebellum.
I knew there would be a simple explanation.
Mommy! Mommy! What is it, sweetheart? Look who's here! Oh, my goose! It's Mother Stars.
I mean How nice to see you, Mistress Mary.
Are you quite contrary? I'll say I'm quite contrary.
- You're mad.
- No, I'm just Mad.
I don't blame you.
I'm so embarrassed.
Esmeralda, please don't go.
I'll be right down.
Esmeralda, come back.
She forgot her glasses.
I say, that is a good trick.
- How does she do it? - Well, she doesn't exactly do it.
It's just something that happens when she gets upset.
- She gets upset a lot.
- Oh, yes.
Well, would you mind telling me where I am? It's on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't think of it.
You are in the 20th century.
Oh, child, you jest.
No.
No, no, no.
Esmeralda sneezed, and you're here because of witchcraft.
- Well, I - And in a moment, Esmeralda will sneeze you back into your book, I hope.
- Yoo-hoo.
Esmeralda? - Excuse me, but what book? Why, your book of nursery rhymes.
- These are my rhymes! - As you can see.
Oh, how delightful! And they said Hey Diddle Diddle wouldn't last.
Well, what do they know? Yoo-hoo! Esmeralda? That's probably Mother Hubbard.
I want you to stay out here with Tabitha.
Please? Well, certainly.
Will you recite me Hey Diddle Diddle? - Hi, Mrs Stephens.
- Hello, Samantha.
My, don't you look nice.
Oh, thank you, Samantha.
I'm so glad you like my outfit.
I bought it this morning.
Well, good for you.
Well, what's the big emergency? It's all over, Samantha.
- What is? - My marriage, dear.
- I have left Frank forever.
- Again? - What happened? - What happened? He's impossible.
That's what happened.
Well, he must have been impossible about something.
If he wants to live in the past, that's his business.
I am a woman of tomorrow, and I intend to dress like one, Samantha.
Oh, I see.
I take it he doesn't like your new outfit.
Well, as a matter of fact, he doesn't.
That can be very irritating.
Luckily I have you and Darrin to stay with.
- Stay with? - Well, I wouldn't dream of imposing if you didn't have that fabulous Esmeralda.
Oh, yes.
Esmeralda.
She is a treasure, isn't she? Fabulous.
A treasure, did someone say? Oh, there you are.
Have you been here long? Oh, yes.
Yes, right along.
Imagine not seeing a person when that person has been right next to you all along.
Imagine.
Would you excuse us for just a minute? Of course, dear.
I'll just sit and rest, and try not to think about anything.
I do like your mother-in-law.
Yes, but a mother-in-law and a Mother Goose in the house at the same time are definitely too much mother.
Well, just be patient.
Mother Goose will fade.
My spells always do, you know, sooner or later.
Yes, yes, I know, but it's the "later" that worries me, when Darrin gets home.
Should I make up the guest room? - What for? - Your mother-in-law.
One thing we know for sure, she's not going to fade.
That's comforting.
Yes.
I guess you better make up the guest room.
This is especially good sherry.
- Have some more.
- Lf you insist.
You know, Samantha, Esmeralda is really remarkable.
I could've sworn there was no one there, and then, all of a sudden, there she was, out of the blue.
Esmeralda prides herself on being unobtrusive.
I was just wondering Oh, I didn't know you had a guest.
Mrs Stephens, this is my aunt.
Your aunt? Nonsense, child.
I'm Mother Goose.
And I'm Little Bo-Peep.
But I thought you might be Mother Hubbard.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
This is Mrs Stephens-in-law.
I mean, my mother-in-law.
I was wondering if you might have some curds and whey for Little Miss Muffet and me.
If you'll go out to the kitchen, you'll find some.
- Lovely.
- In the refrigerator.
Icebox.
Marked "cottage cheese.
" Cottage cheese.
How odd.
Mother Goose.
How odd.
Mrs Stephens, you'll have to excuse my aunt.
She really does think she's Mother Goose.
Tell me something, Samantha.
Is your whole family wacky? As wacky as witches, Mrs Stephens.
- Oh, hi, Sam.
- Hi.
Forgive me for barging in like this, but I know Phyllis is here.
What makes you think she's here? She left this forwarding address for the mailman in a place where I'd be sure to see it.
- Where'd she leave it? - In my money clip.
That's so you'd remember to drop it off when you went to the post office.
Goodbye.
Phyllis, I don't know why you're so upset.
I honestly don't.
That just shows you how insensitive men are.
- All I said about your new outfit - Frank, I know what you said.
- You said, "Now, that's an outfit.
" - Well, it is an outfit.
That is not what you meant when you said, "Now, that's an outfit.
" I meant that's not an outfit? Frank, you know very well what you meant and it wasn't at all nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and have one of my sick headaches.
Women.
I think they were invented to confuse men.
And who might this gentleman be? The Farmer in the Dell? Oh, no.
No, this is my father-in-law.
This is my aunt, but her friends call her Mother Goose.
- I'm glad to meet you, Mother Goose.
- And I to meet you, kind sir.
Well.
You know, there's a great deal to be said for the old-fashioned lady.
What a pretty compliment.
Would you like to come out into the garden with me while I feed Miss Muffet her curds and whey? I wouldn't miss it.
- Sam, I'm home.
- Just what I needed.
Little Boy Blue to come blow his cool.
Well, that was a quick 18 holes.
Larry forgot to reserve our starting time.
- We didn't even tee off.
- Then you didn't lower your handicap.
No.
I just raised my blood pressure.
Well, you didn't have to leave home to do that.
Sam, what's wrong? We have a small disaster here, too.
To begin with, your mother's here.
Well, I'd hardly call that a disaster.
I said to begin with.
Your father's here, too.
He's out on the patio.
And what's so terrible about that? With Mother Goose.
What? Well, it's nothing to be concerned about.
Tabitha's chaperoning.
I know I'll hate myself for asking, but what's Mother Goose doing here? Well, I was reading to Tabitha when Adam started to cry, so I yoo-hooed for Esmeralda to come over and read to Tabitha.
Then your mother called and said she was coming over.
And Esmeralda sneezed, and all of a sudden, there was Mother Goose and your mother.
Then your father arrived.
If Mother Goose doesn't fade out right away, she can keep Tabitha entertained.
I bet you've never heard "Jack Sprat could eat no fat" as told by the author.
And how long are you gonna let me talk before you kill me? Really, sweetheart, you're going to enjoy meeting Mother Goose.
And what does one say when one meets Mother Goose? Try, "Once upon a time.
" She'll love that.
I sometimes wonder what we'd do for kicks if it weren't for the trouble your family gets us into.
My family? Now, just a minute.
The reason we have a problem is that your mother had a fight with your father and took refuge in our house.
Okay, Samantha.
Okay.
It's my family's fault, and I'll handle it.
- Good.
- With the direct mortal approach.
I'm going out to the patio and tell my father to go upstairs and take my mother home.
Gee, I wish I had thought of that.
Read me another one, please.
Oh, well.
Oh, here's one.
"Jack, be nimble.
Jack, be quick.
Jack, jump over the candlestick.
" Hello, everybody.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Hi.
- Now, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Georgie Porgie.
That's who you are.
Georgie Porgie.
He's not Georgie Porgie.
He's my daddy.
And he's interrupting a delightful performance.
- Dad, I have to talk to you.
- It can wait.
How's Mrs Stephens? She's all settled in nice and cosy, and I think I'm going to fade.
There's no need for you to fade, at least not until you've gotten rid of Mother Goose.
You sure know how to hurt a witch.
Just don't fade.
If it was your fault that your father-in-law was flirting with Mother Goose, and your mother-in-law was practically passed out in the guest room, what would you do? Well, when you put it that way Well, so much for the direct mortal approach.
My father is so fascinated with Mother Goose, he wouldn't even listen to me.
That may be an idea.
Esmeralda, will you go get Tabitha and take her up to her room? This may be just the thing to bring your mother to her senses.
Could you think that through a little slower, please? Well, when she sees your father with Mother Goose, she'll be the same as any other wife, jealous.
My mother jealous of Mother Goose? Darrin, believe me.
You don't have to be a witch to be wise in the ways of wives.
Or something.
Come on.
Mother, may we come in? Oh, Darrin, I'm so glad you're home.
A son can be such a comfort to a poor, wretched mother.
- How's your head? - Don't ask, dear.
Why should I bore you with the details of my throbbing pain? I think what you need is a little fresh air.
"Uh-oh" what? Do you think you could choke down a little milk toast? Samantha, I want to know what you're uh-ohing about.
Oh, nothing.
People do not "uh-oh" about nothing.
Well, it's nothing that would interest you.
Is that funny aunt of yours still here? Yes.
As a matter of fact, she's out on the patio.
With your estranged husband.
Cute couple, aren't they? You know, I think I will try just a bit of fresh air after all for my headache.
But all in all, I've written well over 500 rhymes for children.
I'm proud to say that they're still popular.
Oh, yes, yes.
You know, one of my favourites was How does it go now? "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub" One thing you can say about Frank, he's polite chatting with that old lady about Rub-a-dub-dub.
Actually, one of the very first I wrote was about Jack Sprat and his wife.
Would you like me to tell you how that came to be? Well, yes, I would.
But first, let's talk about us.
Now, why did I say that? You were gonna tell me about Jack Sprat.
Well, you remember how the line went, "His wife could eat no lean"? Long-winded, isn't she? Mother Goose, this is fascinating.
And perhaps you'll tell me more when we take a spin in my new carriage.
That would be delightful.
A spin in my new carriage? I don't have a new carriage.
Your old one will do.
I don't even have an old one.
Why go anyplace? I enjoy your company right here.
- Do you mind? - Oh, not at all.
- You know, I've been thinking - I'll bet you have, about the new life waiting for you.
- New life? - Oh, yes.
- After the divorce, you'll get an exciting job.
- Job? Probably in electronics.
I don't know anything about electronics.
I'll bet you can hardly wait.
I could wait a little while.
Why wait? You certainly don't have to worry about how Dad's gonna take it.
He's gonna be very happy with Mother Goose.
What I saw could not possibly have happened.
What did you see? Mother Goose just changed into a goose.
It must be the sherry.
That's Italian sherry, very strong.
Oh, no.
No, Samantha, let's face facts.
I'm starting to see things.
Mother Goose? Mother Goose, where have you gone? Oh, dear.
I wonder if I sneezed another no-no.
Another no-no.
Mother Goose.
Mother Goose.
It's all right.
We only think we're seeing a pair of glasses hanging in midair.
We only thought we saw a pair of glasses hanging in midair.
I only thought I was talking to a goose.
Frank! Frank.
Daddy Bear is here, sweetheart.
Frank, I want to apologise.
I don't want to be the woman of tomorrow.
I just want to enjoy today.
Phyllis, I'm glad to hear you say that.
It may be later than we think.
Frank, did you see a goose on the patio? I thought I did.
Then there's only one thing to be said, dear.
If we're going over the hill, it's nice to be going together.
They're only going over the hill.
I'm going off my rocker.
Yoo-hoo.
Esmeralda? Samantha, what are you doing? Well, I'm just trying to get Esmeralda back so you can thank her.
- For what? - Darrin, when your mother arrived this afternoon, she was a tragic figure, her marriage beyond repair.
And now, thanks to Esmeralda, two happy people just walked arm in arm out of our front door onto the Not one more word.