Californication s06e12 Episode Script

Previously on Californication: The missus caught me eating one of her chocolate bars out of the cleaning lady's vagina.
- Hello, darling.
- You fucking fuck-face! I would like you to meet the poet and philosopher - Holy shit, that's Marilyn Manson.
- Marilyn Manson.
We're talking about doing a duet together, Maybe a tour of the States.
That'd be really something.
I'm just here for the narcotics.
- We're getting married! - The Runkles! I'll fucking marry you fuckers.
On the stage at the Greek! Fuck, yeah.
Why not? - You guys are coming on tour, right? - What? We gotta keep writing this musical.
If we're not together, I don't expect you to have taken some vow of celibacy.
You want me not to see anybody else, just say the word.
I've decided to go abroad for an indeterminate amount of time.
I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
Watching her go, I don't know, it feels like the end of something.
Makes you wonder if she was the only thing that was still keeping us together.
How can you even debate this shit? Go.
Hit the road.
- Don't look back, you fucking ninny.
- Yeah, right.
- What if? - "What if, what if?" You've lived your entire adult life according to "what if.
" What if the one you think is the one is not really the one? Well, what if you shut your fucking pie hole and pour me another drink? You came to see me.
Yeah, but I can't help where my dreams take me.
Yeah, but what you dream about when you get there that says a lot.
What the fuck is wrong with that, I ask? Nothing.
She's pretty amazing, And in some ways, she's perfect for me.
It's your eternal dilemma, isn't it? Home sweet home versus the wild call - of the world outside your door.
- Yeah.
We know which way you chose, and you died to regret it.
Says who? It's not even me talking.
You know that.
I just ask the questions.
Why are you so afraid to give up and let go? It's okay, Hank.
We tried and we failed.
It's not the end of the world.
But if I gave up on us, what would I have left? The rest of your life.
Hank? You okay? Just a wet dream.
And why on earth are you packing so early? Well, first of all, it's noon.
And second, I'm still leaving after the show tonight.
Which brings us to the real question should I be packing for two? Because I am pretty sure I could fit a multitude of black T-shirts and jeans in Or I could be possibly persuaded to come back to bed postpone packing.
Be more persuasive.
Are you pushing my head down? Oh, my God.
Just a little bit.
- Pull it in! - I'm trying.
It's okay.
All right, Get the dress on, though.
And I'm hard.
Thanks, Hanky.
Let me check.
You're a liar.
- And I love you for it.
- That's hardly appropriate.
- Sorry, MILF-y Smurf.
- It's okay.
She's not married yet.
You sure you wanna go through with this? - Why are you trying to talk her out of it? - Why you be trying to talk me out of it? Charlie and Marcy Runkle are the Fred and Ethel Mertz of our time.
They belongs together.
That's right, And if you'll excuse me Ethel has to make yellow while Lucy and Ricky discuss their issues and whatnot.
So I have a chance to go with Atticus on the road.
- And? - And I thought maybe you would wanna talk about it.
- Fuck, I don't know.
- I shouldn't factor into your decision.
Yeah, but you do.
You always do.
Well, Hank, what do you want me to do? I mean, say, "Oh, please stay.
Let's live happily ever after"? I can't do that.
You want my permission? I mean, you're a big boy.
You're gonna make your own decision about it anyways.
Besides, I thought you were in a relationship with someone.
Oh, I wouldn't I mean, I Maybe that's what's good for you.
Like, a non-relationship relationship.
Because you have a hard time functioning within the confines of a traditional one.
Well, there was never anything traditional about us.
Have you heard from our literary pilgrim? No, only what she puts up on Instagram.
What's Instagram? Okay, you guys work your shit out? You back together? I guess not.
Okay, here's the deal.
Me and C.
W.
Runks are gonna do this thing.
- And you know why? - No, why? Because we're gonna be fucking happy.
And you know why? - Why? - Because it's better than being fucking miserable all the time.
This whole time we've been here it's been like a midlife crisis roller coaster ride.
And it's fucking over.
- Okay.
Good.
- Now.
So let's all just live happily ever after.
Good? Good? It's settled? Good.
What's going on? Atticus had to sell the plane to fund the tour.
The record company ain't giving him the kind of support they used to.
And no thanks to that nut-job missus of his he's having some serious cash flow problems.
We're back to touring by bus.
- Where is that fucking ginger? - In the bedroom.
He wants to talk to someone who understands what it's like to live with heartbreak.
I told him I got lots of experience but, no, he doesn't care.
He wants you.
Hey, Atticus.
What's up, rock star? I can't do the gig tonight, Hank.
Why is that? I went home this morning, and got down on bended knee and asked Natalie to take me back and she told me to fuck off.
I think she's really done with me which is understandable, given my behavior but I've never done an opening night without a good luck kiss from her.
Back in the early days, she used to give me this really comprehensive blowjob, like, balls and all, you know? Although I was usually too wired to come.
That is a That's a cute story, buddy but I'm afraid the big rock show must go on.
But I haven't been on a bus in well over 10 years.
It's so embarrassingly bargain basement.
Are you kidding? That bus out there? That's beautiful, that bus.
- Really? Do you like it? - I love it.
It's badass, are you kidding? - You think it's cool? - So cool.
It's like a land airplane.
It's It's gas-friendly, eco-fr You'll probably get an award for that shit.
- How do you do it, Hank? - Do what? The woman that you love is out there, and you know you can't have her.
How do you even get up in the morning? Well, booze is always helpful.
And so is the art.
You know? Everything that I write is either for her or about her, so I'm with her even when I'm not, in my writing.
That's very moving, Hank.
- Do Don't cry.
- Why? It's unbecoming.
But you said something moving.
Why shouldn't I cry? What about your Aussie blokiness and the British stiff upper lip? Or whatever the fuck you are? I think you should come on tour with me, Hank.
I feel like if we finish our masterpiece our rock opera about love maybe we'll both end up with the girl.
I'll think about it.
In the meantime are you ready to rock out with your cock out? You gotta admit, this is pretty cool.
It's like Disneyland every day.
Yeah, without the morbidly obese riding around on scooters.
Even the concept of time is different, you know? - Yeah.
- It's rock and roll fucking summer camp forever.
Well, it's gotta end at some point, doesn't it? Says who? All roads lead back home eventually.
Sounds like a country song.
- Really? I mean - Hey.
You're Faith, right? Yep, that's me.
I'm Vince from Mysstery.
Two S's.
- We're opening the show tonight.
- Well, hey, Vince from Mysstery with two S's.
Good luck up there.
Cool.
Thanks.
Wondering if maybe you wanna come hang on our bus.
It's the one that says "cat club.
" We call it that because if chicks wanna come on we ask them to pee in this litter box by the front door.
See, this way we know for sure that they're willing to party.
Well, I'm free.
I got a full bladder.
I don't think you'd have to do that, because you're pretty famous and all.
Thanks for the preferential treatment and all, Vince, but What? We're not big enough for the legendary Faith? No, no, it's not like that at all.
But if you're gonna be a dick about it, I can come clean.
You're not that talented.
I've heard your album and it's really shitty mall metal so if I were you, I'd quit now and maybe Hot Topic will hire you back for the summer.
You are kind of a bitch.
Hey, watch your manners, son.
- That's no way to talk to a lady.
- Fuck off, Dad.
You know what this calls for.
Titty twister! Good evening, Los Angeles.
You wanted the best? Well, they got stuck in traffic coming up the fucking hill.
From London, England, by way of Mars the Bacardi Concert Series presents Atticus fucking Fetch! Good luck out there.
Not that you need it.
You are a fucking rock star.
It's along way from church, huh? Are you kidding me? Do you, bald fucking wanker take this sexy, little tree stump to be your immortal beloved? I most certainly do do.
You do! Right.
And do you, delicious, little spinner with whom I have shared a sexual encounter which will sustain me well into my golden years - take this - Not really.
Sweaty, hairless pinhead to be the very last sexual partner of your entire life? Jesus.
Don't do it! Well, when you put it like that Let's do's it.
I do's it.
Good.
An ovation.
Stick it on there, dude.
By the power vested in me by the Sun Kil Moon Ministry of northern California I now pronounce you wife and early man! - I want a kiss! - I want some! You have a little While we're here, does anyone else feel like getting wedded on this glorious, glorious L.
A.
evening? Anyone? Anyone? Me! Anyone? Karen.
Karen, be with me.
Spend the rest of your life with this fool and this fool will spend the rest of his life making sure you don't regret it.
- What do you say, baby? - Yeah! Say yes! Will you be my wife? No? Nobody? Really? No? Then get the fuck off my stage.
Be gone, all of you.
I wrote this next song for my wife Natalie in the hope that she'd forgive me.
Although, if she did, I'd probably just bugger it up all over again.
Tonight, I'm gonna play it for my friend and collaborator, Hank Moody who knows a thing or two about heartbreak himself.
Wait, you look familiar.
Hank Moody.
- Come on.
- Manson.
Thank you for coming to my motherfucking show.
Hi, Brian.
Actually, I'm surprised that you came.
I just want to make it clear, I was just fucking with you.
I would not give drugs to your daughter.
Because I need them for later.
- How is the kid? - She's great.
Good.
Would you get her to send me the picture - of me tea-bagging Atticus? - I will do.
- I wanna put that on my Facebook.
- Will do.
And if you guys aren't together, I would pee in your butt.
- Drink, please.
- What? It's it's It's Becca.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi, Dad! - How's the road treating you? - It's so beautiful out here, Dad.
I'm having the time of my life.
And tomorrow, we leave for Europe.
Glad to hear it.
Are you happy, Dad? That That That's a loaded question.
I was just thinking about what I want for all the people in my life and I realized that I just want you to be happy.
I want to see you smile and know you mean it.
- Are you high right now? - Significantly.
We just smoked some killer weed.
We", of course you did.
Be careful, okay, sweetie? And And have fun, just not too much fun.
Don't worry, Dad.
All roads lead back home.
That sounds like a country song.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, sweetie.
Hey, wait, will you do me a favor and send Manson that pic of him tea-bagging Atticus? Okay.
Will do.
Okay, sweetie.
I love you.
I'm coming with you.
That makes me so very happy.
Good for you, man.
You made the right decision.
Even if you had the balls to do it and she actually said yes, what would you have done? I would've married her right then and there.
Then what? You'd fuck like rabbits for a couple days? Some pillow talk, then one day, she asks you to go to Home Depot party's over.
You talk a good game, but I was with you when you died.
You were about to do it.
You were gonna take one last shot at the love of your life.
I would've given it a try.
Maybe I could've got her back in the sack but eventually, you get out of bed.
You're still you.
All the problems you ever had they're still there.
You're just supposed to give up? It's not about giving up.
It's about letting go finally accepting who you are.
Guess who.
God, I can't wait for her to die and come to hell.
Karen? Karen! You have to go, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I'm sorry, I do.
Don't be.
Just You just don't know what you're gonna be missing.
I do.
That's what makes this so hard.
I could love you, you know.
- Oh, Faith - I'm I'm not saying that I do.
I'm saying that I could.
Which is rare for me, and deserves to be acknowledged.
You understand me better than any guy I've ever met.
You get me.
And that That has been the nicest feeling.
I'm just saying.
And I'm just saying that you're pretty fucking amazing.
I hope you find what you're looking for out here.
I hope you find what you're looking for back there.
I'll even say a prayer for you.
Just not a very big one.
God, I hate saying goodbye to you.
Don't.
You know what? The great thing about never really being together? Never really have to break up.
Hank, get the fuck out of here before I wrap my legs around you and convince you to stay.
And you know I can do it.
Well What is this? What? - What's going on? - Hank has to go.
He's gotta see a horse about a girl.
This is about following your bliss? About what we were talking about in bed yesterday? - Is this about love? - It is.
Then you must go.
We can't turn the bus around, but I can send an emissary.
I'm sorry, crying again.
Don't be sorry.
It's unbecoming.
All right, you.
Go.
My work here is done.
I release you to your happily ever after.
I know he means a great deal to you as he does to me.
And I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me.
Emotionally, spiritually and obviously sexually.
- Thank you, Atticus.
- I'm serious, darling.
Sometimes an orgasm can relieve heartache.
I've done a lot of research into the area.
Could I at least get a good luck kiss? I do have a gig tonight, you know.
I'm a bit nervous.
I know you're not one for emoting, Krull, but thank you.
I had a bird once.
Love of my life she was.
I fucked it up, of course.
I thought there'd be time, you know? Turns out there's just roads long and paved with potholes.
I read that once in a book.
Go and get her, pal.