Cougar Town s06e12 Episode Script

Bobby's old Crab-Fest t-shirt.
What's that doing in our kitchen? Oh, Bobby never understood that different drawers were for different things, - so he used to put his stuff everywhere.
- That's insane.
My cousin Chestnut used to do the same thing.
That was before his own pigs murdered him.
Well, the pigs may have killed him, but it wasn't murder.
"Murder" implies forethought.
Oh.
No, he was murdered.
They're gonna have a trial.
Do the pigs have pig lawyers? No, they're human lawyers.
How do the pigs and humans communicate? Interpreters.
Do they walk on two legs or four? - In court, two.
- Come on! Do they make them wear little prison jumpsuits? All right, stop it.
We've had this insane conversation before.
Are you sure? Unless I've had the "killer pigs in court" conversation somewhere else, yeah, I'm sure.
After six years and hundreds of stories, you're bound to repeat one of them.
And it's nice, as long as you love the people you're sharing the stories with.
I'm getting all choked up, and I feel like it's a week too early for that.
Sweetie, this is never gonna end.
Of course, that's what cousin Chestnut thought.
Before his pigs shot him.
_ Jules, your dad knows he can't sell moonshine out here, right? Probably not, but that's his jug band.
They got hired to play a show at the plaza tomorrow night.
Hey, dad.
You excited to rock out with The Big Ol' Jugs tomorrow? Well, first off, The Jugs don't rock.
We blow.
And second, we just broke up.
What happened? Our late singer, Irv, died.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's all right.
It was natural causes.
At our age, every morning you wake up is a pleasant surprise.
Irv's son Waz took his place, which would have been fine until he demanded that we put his fiancée in the band.
Is she not talented? She's a chick.
We're men.
The Jugs have always been men.
Now we're in this Yoko Ono situation.
Oh, like the chocolate drink? Stupid Waz.
I hate people.
Do you hate all people or just some? Just a-holes, jagoffs, chuckleheads, morons, and dipwads.
What's a dipwad? Pipe down, chucklehead.
You got burned by Chick.
- Cram it, dipwad.
- Mm.
I think I have a new best friend.
Oh, there's Tom.
Hey, Tom.
Tom.
Aah! Oh, hey, guys.
Um, sorry.
I was just Oh, locating your next victim? Uh, that's Mary.
She's the sister of a patient I performed a ventriculostomy on last month.
She sat with him through the entire recovery, holding hands, singing songs, even when he was asleep.
She's like an angel.
I want to meet her.
Hey, Mary! Hey, angel face, over here.
Tom, you should have asked that girl out.
I can't.
This may come as a surprise to you all, but I sometimes give off a creepy vibe with women.
- No.
- No, that's not true.
- You? - You're exaggerating.
It's true.
- Really? No.
- No, it's not possible.
- Come on! No, no.
- It is.
Anyway, I've accepted I'm gonna be alone.
I'm not lucky like you guys.
You all found the person you're gonna be with forever.
Eh, we'll see.
Oh, Tom, you deserve someone special to be with, to laugh with.
Someone who tucks their junk back and says, "Hey, we're both girls.
" What? That is bizarrely specific.
That's weird.
Tom, where'd you go? Or are you down there in a sad ball? Sad ball.
Okay, Tom.
Phone.
We're gonna ask Mary out.
All right, Laurie, you're a textspert.
Whoo! On it.
And great word, Jules.
Tom, if you're such a mess around women, how'd you ever get married? My late wife and I met at a New Year's Eve party.
There was, uh, music and dancing, and somehow we got paired up.
We were dancing, and then at midnight, we kissed.
After that, I felt completely at ease with her.
It was the best moment of my life.
Aww.
I remember my first kiss with Jules.
Best kiss I ever had.
Yeah, that was a great kiss.
Definitely my eighth best.
You said I was seventh, which sucked, but I got over it.
How could I have dropped? Laurie and Ellie were having a contest to see who had the softest lips, and they needed a judge, so about an hour later, Laurie joined Ellie for number-one spot, and you dropped down to eighth.
It's because I spend every morning doing an hour of beatbox.
Lip cardio is very important.
Whatever you're doing is working.
Mwah! Okay, okay.
How about this? "Hey, girl.
It's Doc T, the physician of your wishin'.
How about a house call?" Definitely do not send that.
In hindsight, maybe I should have asked for feedback before I pressed send.
Eighth! I can't be eighth! Relax.
It's just kissing.
You're still number one in the most important category.
Oh.
And, uh, what category is that? Shoot! I should've something ready.
Ohh! Mary thought the text was funny.
She said we should go out tomorrow.
Tom, that's amazing.
It's incredible.
It's all downhill from here.
I am gonna be nervous and weird.
She's gonna think I'm creepy, walk out on the date, and then I'm gonna have to kill myself.
Probably easier to just cancel.
Tom, take it easy.
You are built like a stepladder.
Wow! This date is gonna be fine.
We just got to get you to that first kiss so you can relax and be yourself.
How do I get to the kiss? I'm a mess.
Do you have any romantic skills you can bring to the table? - Let's see.
I'm pretty good with turtles.
- All right.
Um, one of my knees bends both ways.
Uh, I'm fluent in Gutnish, which is a long-dead Nordic dialect.
- I'm a terrific dancer.
- That's it.
Great! Wait.
Uh, the Gutnish or the dancing? Okay.
This is how the date's gonna go.
You'll pick Mary up, being very charming because I coached you on what to say.
Grayson will be close by in case you start to get weird.
You'll take a romantic bike ride into town, and if you start to say something creepy, just pedal faster or slower to get away from her.
You'll go to a romantic movie, where there's no talking at all.
You'll pass a man who needs help and blow Mary's mind with your doctor skills.
Then off to drinks at the pub with friends.
I'll tell a funny story that makes everyone laugh.
When a romantic song comes on the jukebox, you and Mary will dance.
And then you'll kiss her and say I've been waiting for you my whole life.
I told you it would work.
Wait, so part of your fantasy is bragging to me that it worked.
- Yep.
- But I never said that it wouldn't.
Dude, this it Tom's thing.
Don't make it about you.
Yeah, pipe down, ace.
For once, this is about me.
Actually, I've been doing so much planning about this, I kind of think it's about me.
Oh, I know, sweetie.
Okay, Tom, how are you feeling? Great.
I'm gonna crush my date.
I mean, crush the date.
Less talking.
Are you wearing the shirt I got you? - O-of course.
I'm on it.
- And the pants? Turning around.
Don't worry.
We'll have those knees covered up in no time.
I really think this is gonna work.
Jules, this is really sweet, but tom is less of a "nice date" guy than a "damp rag and duct tape" guy.
His cologne is chloroform.
Are you two gonna sit there like asses, or are you gonna help? - Sit like asses.
- The ass one.
All right, you're on creepy patrol.
Get to Mary's house, and as soon as you do, I want you to-- Uh, you may be ninth now.
Damn it! Oh, you know, I'm not worried about Tom.
I've coached him on what to say in everything.
Hello, Mary.
How about a bike ride? Sounds perfect.
And what a beautiful home.
Except the windows are a little low to the ground.
It'd be real easy for someone to climb in late at night and sniff your hair while you're asleep.
Ow! Sweet biscuits! I mean, you want to get going? Grayson, how's operation "keep Tom from talking creepy" going? Well, it still has a sucky title, and Tom's having trouble creating separation on the bikes.
Do you have any hobbies? I like playing with dolls.
Did you say "playing with dolls"? What? Are you smiling at my headset? I probably look like Sigourney Weaver - in that movie with the alien.
- Do you mean "Alien"? - I don't think it's called that.
- Well, you're wrong.
Guys, I really think Tom's gonna win Mary over.
Wrong again, 'cause no matter how good this date goes or any future dates, eventually, she's gonna have to see him naked.
That would be a game-over moment if there ever was one.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you two are just gonna be negative, why don't you just leave? Do you know what? She's right.
We could just go to the plaza and watch this date blow up in person.
That's a great idea.
I'm in the plaza, Jules, just like we planned.
Tom's gonna be there soon.
Do you have the movie tickets? Tickets in hand, Tom in sight, just like we planned.
Why do you keep saying "just like we planned it" after everything? I'm not doing that.
Just like we planned.
Ha.
Okay, I am doing that.
Sorry.
Oh, weird here today.
Very, uh leathery.
Leathery like old? No.
Leathery like, uh Oh, my! What? What's wrong? Oh, nothing.
Uh, everything's fine, just like we planned, except the romantic comedy that I chose, "Straps And Clamps," might be a porno.
Not like we planned.
Damn it, Andy! I'm calling Tom.
Please tell me I heard that right and you sent Gumby to a porno.
Trying to score Gumby some pokey, are you? You know, you two are just like Statler and Waldorf, those muppet jerks who heckled everyone from the balcony.
He's right.
We can go to the balcony.
We can see more.
We can heckle more.
Yeah! Thanks for the tip, dipwad.
Tom! Out of the theater.
It's a porno.
It's a porno! Oh, I'm sorry.
Wrong number.
Tom, out of the theater! It's a porno! It's a porno! Let's get out of here.
I-I think I've seen this.
Come on, we got to get ready! I am.
I got the squibs.
Well, honey, you did not get them from me! I have been supes faithful.
I actually meant special-effects squibs, but great to hear.
They're rigged to explode to make me look like I got shredded with an Uzi.
You traded in the choking plan to have Tom patch you up from an attack from an Uzi?! So, what do we do now? I know how to dislocate someone's finger.
I learned it in juvie.
It's really easy.
You just pop it out, and then afterwards, we'll pop it back in.
If you think you're actually going to hurt one of us-- It's not a question of "if," buddy.
It is a question of "who.
" Aah! Here they come.
Someone's getting hurt in 3 2 Andy! Do Andy! Hey! You should be really ashamed of yourself.
Bad move.
- Come on! - Aah! Help! We need a doctor! Uh, excuse me.
What's the status of operation hero? Yee-aaaah! Turns out, Tom's not great with bent extremities.
Brain tissue isn't gross because there's no visible sign of damage, but a-a finger that's bent like-- It's not supposed to look like that! Hey! I agree with the crier! It is not supposed to look like that.
Paging a doctor who doesn't suck.
Paging a doctor who doesn't suck.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't I put it back in the way that you showed me last week, Tom? Right.
Uh, great idea.
Great idea.
- Okay.
- Ohh.
Ow.
Oh, the back-in part hurts more.
Well, at least he-- I think your friend's been shot! H-he'll be fine.
You ever been to Gray's Pub? Here they come.
Okay, now remember-- we have to keep Tom from freaking Mary out until he gets her to dance.
And after that, he can freak her out all he wants.
I mean, like dirty.
Dirty dancing, sex dancing.
You know what I'm saying? Hi, guys.
How's it going? My name is Jules.
It's nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Grayson.
What do you look for in a kisser? Is it pressure or moisture or tongue dexterity? Oh, we're just diving right in, huh? You know, kissing is done with more than the mouth.
No, yeah, it's done with the hands, the hips, and most of all, the heart.
Babe, why don't you put some music on? Mm, I'd love to, just as soon as I finish tying this triple knot into this cherry stem.
Boom! This is fun.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Dude, you were supposed to play something romantic.
I tried, but then I remembered that Bobby rigged my jukebox to only play hard-metal power ballads as his going-away present to me.
Damn it, Bobby! This is not the right time for such an awesome gift.
Hey, Jules, if we're both here, who's keeping an eye on Tom? Oh, Shawshank! Tom what happened? It-- it might have something to do with me listing important facts about the silicon breast implants.
But that's not important.
What's important is remembering that some people are meant to be alone.
Dude, seriously?! This did not go great, but I think we can get it back on track if we work together.
In high school, they called me Kiss Kristofferson.
Okay, if I let you kiss me right now and I tell you it was the greatest kiss I've ever had in my whole life, even if I don't mean it, will you shut up and help Tom? Well, let's just find out.
Ugh.
World's best kiss.
Yes! You heard it! What a dipwad.
Grayson, you and I have to find a band.
You three Finger! get Mary to the plaza.
I don't care how.
You can lie your asses off.
Tell her you have a gun.
Just get her there with the speed of the world's tiniest hero.
Stuart Little! No! The hero that knows that the fastest way someplace is to use your hands to karate chop the hair.
Tsch! Tsch! Tom Cruise run! Tom Cruise-- Oh, this hurts my finger so bad! Jellybean must be rushing to get the results of her latest STD test.
Can Trav do anything like a man? Hey, guys, I need your help with Tom! Jules said I'm the number-one kisser! Which isn't important right now.
What do you need, Junebug? I need you and Grayson to get a band.
And, Ellie, I'm gonna fix up the plaza.
You go get Tom and bring him back here.
Oh, are we playing a game called "Things that are never gonna happen"? Ellie, I can't make you do anything that you don't want to do.
But deep down, I know you want to help because you care about your friends and you care about Tom.
Damn it! Hey, uh, hi.
We've never met.
Uh, my name is Grayson.
I am a big fan of The Jugs.
The band, the band The Big Ol' Jugs.
Not yours.
I mean, not that yours aren't big.
They're-- they're fantastic, actually.
Uh, Waz, Chick has something he'd like to say to you.
Chick.
I would just like to say that women kill bands.
Down with Yoko! What I meant is I need to get the band back, and I can't do it without you.
So if she's as good as you say she is, then I would be honored to have her join us.
You have beautiful breasts, by the way.
Thank you.
You're so sweet.
What do you say? Let's do it.
Tom, are you rolled up in a sad, little ball? Maybe.
Good to see you.
I have a shoe bag just like that.
I know.
I broke into your house to get these.
I do want to talk to you about the empty lipstick tubes in your freezer and why you have blueprints of all our houses and framed pictures of our bathrooms.
But for now, I'm gonna take you and we're gonna win Mary.
Mary thinks I'm weird and creepy.
Right, 'cause you are.
But you're also sweet, and I want you to be happy.
Wow, Ellie.
Does this mean that you care about me? Can you say it out loud? But you do care? Would you say that you love-- Too far.
Withdraw the question.
We've got to get to the plaza, and we have to hurry.
Let's do it.
Oh, but I can't run in my dancing shoes.
They'll stretch and be ruined.
Okay.
They always say the mean ones are the strongest.
Come here! Jules, what's going on? Well, we all got together to help you get the girl.
You said Tom was holding people hostage and I had to talk him down.
You also said karate chopping the air makes you run faster, and I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
I think you just weren't doing it right.
Oh, look! Tom is here! What a coincidence.
And he's great.
Hey, Jugs, hit it.
she's a good girl loves her mama Oh, Jules, I-I don't think I can go out there and dance alone.
- Well, you don't have to.
- and America, too she's a good girl she's crazy about Elvis - Hey, Mary.
- loves horses - Hi, Tom.
- and her boyfriend, too Sorry if my friends were a little pushy.
They're very strange.
But judging by what they did for you, they must really think you're great.
I don't know what I'd do without them.
The Argentina lake duck has a corkscrew-shaped penis.
I'm sorry.
I'm not usually this weird.
I I'm nervous around you because I think you're so amazing and sweet and so beautiful.
Mary, I-I never believed that I had a chance with you.
Until they believed in me.
yeah, I'm a bad boy Shall we? - Yeah.
- for breakin' her heart and I'm free I'm free falling and I'm free I'm free falling free falling I've been waiting for you my whole life.
now I'm free falling now I'm free falling and I'm free falling - I'm free falling - I told you it would work.
I never said it wouldn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
and I'm free Well, there's only one way for you to climb the charts.
You have to kiss all three of us so we can compare.
Well, I've had sex with her, and by kissing her I would close the loop so that we basically all just kissed each other.
Well, now you have to.
But beware, I'm really handsy.
- Oh, she is.
- Mmh-mmh.
And I'm super into tongue propensation.
Yeah, she is.
What the hell do you guys do when I'm not around?