Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s06e12 Episode Script

1 Heads up, Emery.
Throw it high so I have to jump.
Oh, pits are looking a little yellow, buddy.
May be time to bleach 'em.
This is why I can't wear Eddie's hand-me-downs.
Between the stains and the holes and the smells? I need to update my wardrobe.
As someone who's wearing Eddie's old pants right now no way Mom's going to pay for that.
Hey, I'm happy to put another son on the payroll at Cattleman's.
I think the food industry's more Eddie's thing.
Oh.
Your brother's all done.
Time for you to get all warm and toasty.
- [Toaster rattles.]
- Yeah, you need to find your own thing.
EDDIE: Oh, you're on the job hunt? I remember being in the hustle.
But now I'm chilling.
I got a job, a lady, and killer spring break plans on South Padre Island.
Still can't believe you got Mom and Dad to let you do that.
Honestly, I can't, either.
But we shook on it, so the ship has sailed.
Lawd, the chores I did to convince you guys.
I vacuumed, I mopped, I even made a bed.
It wasn't that hard, but I'll never do it again.
Oh, God.
Don't take a picture of me in Eddie's jeans.
No.
It's for Eddie.
SAT results arrive this week.
- Already? - Yes.
And I'm going to camera capture your face when you see your score.
It'll either be a look of joy or a portrait of failure they'll put on the back of a milk carton when I make you go missing.
They only do that for the blonde kids.
[Toaster rattles, camera shutter clicks.]
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Ow! You missed.
Did I? Guys, I'm gonna need you to take it from an eight to a two.
The answer is six.
- Good job, Eddie.
- Thanks.
The Florida State Spelling Bee is around the corner.
This is my last chance to complete the Academic Iron Man.
When you add the word "academic" to a sporting event, it hurts me deep down in my soul.
I won the math and science fairs, but spelling is the final leg.
I need your help.
It's the only subject I've gotten a regular A in.
My help? The only spelling I know is Tori Spelling.
She can't whistle and loves avocados.
Do you remember Simryn Patel? You went to middle school with her? She won the bee three years in a row.
That's a spelling-bee turkey.
Yeah.
I remember her.
Always dancing, kept a clean locker.
We were lab partners, and one of us burned down the eye-wash station.
Well, for us spell-nuts, she's the Q-U-E-E-N.
Queen.
Two for two.
I need you to introduce me to her so I can get some tips.
No can do.
I got big problems of my own right now.
My SAT scores are coming in the mail this week, and I'm worried about Mom.
Remember what happened when I got my PSAT scores? One minute in the corner for every point under 1600.
Mom, come on.
It's the 250th episode of "The Simpsons.
" - What if it's their last year? - [Laughs.]
This is way worse.
I blacked out from nerves for the first half of the test, and I'm pretty sure I bombed.
Mom's gonna cancel South Padre.
I learned to say "y'all" for nothing.
Well, if you put in the work like I am for the spelling bee, you wouldn't be so worried now.
[Sighs.]
He really got the worst of Mom and Dad.
I'm a dead man.
This is worse than when Grandma ruined Mom's credit score by buying all those Madonna bras.
Mom got so mad, her nose bled.
From both sides.
How did Grandma come back from that? She got on Mom's good side by helping Evan get an A in P.
E.
That's it.
I bomb the SATs, but I bail out the golden child.
Mom forgives me, and I save South Padre.
That's a pretty good plan.
You go through the pain to sun your buns, - you don't waste it.
- Yeah - Aah! - You find a job? Not yet.
I was helping Eddie.
Damn it, I said the wrong brother.
Ice cream is for closers.
You want some, go get a job.
I feel like that's the wrong strategy to motivate Emery.
Just my two cents.
Cheap advice is bad advice.
He's gotten lazy and needs consequences.
Simple.
No, I'm just saying, if we push too hard, he'll rush and make a bad choice.
It's Emery.
He needs a gentle touch.
Gentle? He's a teenager, not a butterfly wing.
Well, he's been weighing some jobs at the mall and needs a little time to decide on the right one.
It's a job at the mall.
What is there to decide? No matter what job he chooses, - he's using the bathroom at Nordstrom.
- Trust me.
I know Emery.
Give him some space, and he'll pick one before we know it.
Last time I trusted you, we ended up at a tapas restaurant.
"Shared plates"? No thank you.
Speaking of plates, when is dinner? There's my little academic athlete.
You're kicking that dictionary's ass like an Asian Chuck Norris.
Why didn't you just go with Bruce Lee? He's already Asian.
Look, I felt bad about earlier, and of course I'll intro you to Simryn.
Really? Face time with the legend? Simryn's my girl.
The Simster.
Sim Dog.
Simmy Simmy Ko Ko Bop.
Wait a sec.
What's in it for you? Other than the satisfaction of helping out my brother? Okay, fine.
SAT scores are gonna come in, and Mom's gonna kick me to the streets.
And eventually, I'm gonna need a guest house to crash at, and you're the best bet to have one.
Hmm.
That surprisingly tracks.
Okay.
Thanks, Eddie.
In South Padre, a guest house would be a casita.
I'll grab my driving sandals And your foot spray.
and you go tell Mom that your loving older brother is helping you achieve academic greatness, and we're on our way.
Effulgent! That means brilliant.
It's from the Latin Not now.
I'll save it for the car.
- Ice cream? - Uhp, hands off.
I got Emery looking for jobs without threatening consequences, so I earned this double choco mint.
It's just mint.
Eddie already got in there.
He got all the choco? How? He used your mother's tweezers.
- Oh.
- [Door opens, closes.]
Hey, there, Pretty Woman, back from the mall? [Chuckles.]
Someone must have gotten his first paycheck.
No.
I emptied out my Christmas gift cards.
What about finding a new job? You wanted me to find my own thing, and I didn't.
The search continues.
JESSICA: Oh, look, Louis.
He's unemployed and happy.
Emery, you ding-dong.
Time for consequences.
Hey! My new clothes! You want your party dresses back? Get a job.
By tomorrow.
[Sighs.]
He's like a horse, and I'm the tiny person riding him to success.
[Door slams.]
- Trent, my SAT scores show up yet? - TRENT: Negative.
That means no.
But I got eyes on the box.
- That means mailbox.
- Good.
I need you to buy time until I help Evan win the spelling bee.
[Sighs.]
You sure my mom can't see you? Oh, don't worry.
It's impossible.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Oh, I gotta go.
I'm using Trish's cell, and her boyfriend's calling.
[High-pitched voice.]
Hello, Muscles.
No, I've been thinking about you all day.
Oh, stop it.
[Chuckles.]
Simryn lives here? Baby, baby, won't you Come to me Show me who you are, baby I'm craving for you I'm craving I'm missing you like candy Missing you like candy Eddie Huang from piccolo class? Simryn! 'Sup, girl? It's been forever.
[Chuckles.]
You're like two feet taller.
I've been eating.
It's so cool you live in this motel.
Do they come in and make your beds? No, my family owns it.
We make the beds.
Oh, well, at least you have free HBO.
Again, we're not guests at our own motel.
Oh, I get it.
Like my dad and his restaurant.
Everyone assumes I'm eating steaks for free every day.
- You do.
- Yeah, but You're right.
He always is.
This is my brother, Evan.
I was hoping you could help him win the spelling bee.
1998.
Diphtheria? Hidden H after the P.
Mama rolled right through it.
When diphtheria takes down two of your uncles at a family reunion, - you learn to spell it.
- See, Evan? You're learning already.
Simryn, can't thank you enough.
Take as much time as you need.
A couple days, even.
I'll be here chilling by the pool, - sunning my buns.
- Yeah Sorry.
I can't.
I've got work around the motel, and I'm going to the Mandy Moore concert and I need to perfect my "Candy" dance.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- Getting there.
- Heh.
- Anyway, good luck at the bee, Evan.
When in doubt, imagine the words in their underwear.
Well, that was cool.
She's not your friend, we reminded her of her sick uncles, and now we're going home.
[Sighs.]
Eddie, let's go.
You've already wasted enough of my spelling time.
Wait, I think I can still get Simryn to help us.
[Sighs.]
Come on, Eddie.
I need to get home and hit the dicks! Nope.
Tried to shorten "dictionary.
" Did not work out.
[Doorbell rings.]
Here we go, Mina.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hi.
No.
We don't need any more magazines.
I'm not getting scammed again.
I will take two "Rod and Reel" subscriptions, please.
But that's it.
Mom, Dad, room 16 asked for more soap - Oh, Eddie, you're still here? - EDDIE: Simryn, please, you gotta help Evan study for the spelling bee.
Sorry, I'm just really busy.
DC: Ah.
Busy? Strong words coming from the girl who takes 15-minute showers.
MINA: Strong words from the man who takes 45 minutes to iron his jeans.
Sorry about them.
Simryn, how do you know these magazine salesmen? Eddie and I were classmates.
We never dated.
But your daughter is very beautiful.
A beautiful spelling bee legend.
Yeah, that's actually why we're here.
We need Simryn to help Evan win.
Of course Simryn can help.
I call her "Hamburger" because she's such a helper.
[Chuckles.]
It's 'cause of Hamburger Helper.
You know, the Yeah, Dad, they know.
So embarrassing.
- When I am ever embarrassing? - Just now? Yesterday at the market, when you juggled the lettuce? Every time the Cleveland Indians come to town? Alright, smiles up, Patels.
We're about to get on the Jumbotron.
Now the real Indians are here! There is nothing embarrassing about clever wordplay.
Come on, Hamburger.
Help us.
DC: You'll be great.
You spent weeks studying for those spelling bees.
Yeah.
I-I did.
But the thing is, I have all these motel chores, so - I'll do your chores.
Love chores.
- DC: Great.
He loves chores.
You can start tomorrow.
Everybody's happy.
- So happy.
- Cool.
[Ceramics shatter, laughter.]
Want to trade shoulder massages? I do you, you do me? No, I like my shoulders tight.
Okay.
[Door opens, closes.]
Guess who got a job as the newest associate at Abernathy & Fitz? Wow.
Isn't that amazing, Louis? Yeah.
You know what's amazing? The Brazilian rainforest.
We don't even know what's in there.
Emery, you can have your party dresses back.
Thanks for the push, Mom.
Abernathy & Fitz.
[Chuckles.]
Not only did I get Emery to pick a job, but he picked one at a law firm.
[Chuckles.]
Looks like I earned myself some ice cream.
[Wheelchair whirs.]
You still in for tradesies on massages? These new bra straps are killing my shoulders.
No, Ma.
TRENT: [High-pitched voice.]
Hello, this is Trish.
- No scores yet? - [Normal voice.]
Nope.
But Brian got his, and ooh, buddy, it was bad.
Like, single-digit-hundies.
Oh, God.
It's gonna be bad.
I gotta make sure Evan gets all the training here he can get.
Brobdingnagian.
Please use it in a sentence.
The blue whale is a mammal of brobdingnagian proportions.
EDDIE: Damn.
This is the biggest washing machine I've ever used.
The biggest washing machine I ever used growing up? - The Ganges.
- [Buzzer.]
We need a new movie quote.
EDDIE: "Luke I Am Your Motel.
" It's from "Star Wars.
" [Imitates lightsaber.]
Celerity.
Please use it in a sentence.
Okay.
Got to work fast.
Only 10 minutes before the next guest checks in.
DC: "You know what they call a Quarter Pounder With Cheese in Paris? A Motel With Cheese.
" I don't get it.
- It's from "Pulp Fiction.
" - Mm.
- You still don't get it, do you? - No.
Celerity of movement is vital in the 100-meter dash.
Who's down with OPP? This whole party, break it down EDDIE: I got it.
Wait.
Mr.
Patel? I'm stuck! "Austin Powers.
" Yeah, baby.
- Pterodactyl.
- EVAN: P-T-E-R-O That was Trent.
My SAT scores came in, and it's, uh wow.
Ooh, that's not good.
Hey, man, it's been proven standardized testing is racist.
Not racist enough.
I got a 1500.
Whoa! Congrats! EVAN: What? But you said you blacked out.
I guess your boy's just a natural.
Let's steal some of these tasty pillow mints and head home.
But I'm not done yet.
It doesn't matter anymore.
I'm safe.
Plus, you studied a bunch.
Let's go.
You're safe? So, this was all about you.
You never cared about helping me.
I should have known better.
I did mean what I said about the guest house.
Sorry to jump in, but we don't have pillow mints.
What have you been eating? [Brakes screech, gearshift clicks.]
I want you to know, when Eddie bombs the SA and mysteriously vanishes, you can have his room.
Mm.
Your law firm is next to the mall? Law firm? Abernathy & Fitz is a clothing store.
For lawyers? - No.
- Oh.
Well, not as prestigious, but still a job.
Yeah.
Turns out "my thing" was whatever got me to my new wardrobe the quickest.
Let me just get my uniform on.
There.
Ready for work.
What is happening? It's store policy to have shirtless male greeters.
I guess it brings in customers.
I get my torso oil today.
Wish me luck.
Oh, God.
I've turned my teenage son into a stripper.
[Scoffs.]
A male one.
I can't believe you, Eddie.
This is worse than when Emery stretched out - my favorite checkered polo.
- EDDIE: Dude, I'm sorry.
Spring break was on the line and I got carried away, but if you have more to do, we can stay.
Um, I think he's got it.
Really? I'm ready for the bee? You think I can win? Uh, well, there's no guarantees.
But I mastered your spelling system, right? Uh w-well t-to be honest, I don't really have a system.
- I never really studied.
- What? I said I'd help you to stay on my parents' good side.
I mean, the Mandy concert's on the line.
Mandy friggin' Moore.
She cute.
If you didn't study, then how did you win three times? I don't know.
I hear a word, close my eyes, see some colors, and spell it? Seriously? So, you black out and get a 1500, and you're a Mandy-head with synesthesia? Synesthesia.
Purple S, green Y Sorry, can't turn it off.
This isn't fair.
You're both naturals, and I'm a sucker who has to put in the work.
Dude, you're a straight-A student.
Who cares? I care because I have to earn it.
You guys just wake up and it's there.
- No effort.
Voilà.
- Come on, Evan.
I mean, why even bother with the spelling bee? Some natural's just gonna swoop in and beat me anyway.
It's pointless.
I quit.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- Not to belittle his outrage, but he is so cute when he storms off.
Man, I really messed him up.
He didn't even sanitize the chair before he landed.
Oh, no.
Is your brother crying? In public? Don't let him do that in the pool.
It messes up the PH of the water.
He's frustrated I got a 1500 on my SATs without studying.
I take it fitted sheets weren't on the test.
I think he's jealous 'cause I'm a natural.
Man, I don't understand this obsession with "being a natural.
" I mean, it's kind of awesome.
I crushed the SATs.
Don't even remember filling in the ovals.
Hmm.
Congrats.
You're a natural at something useless that makes no money.
Did you switch bodies with my mom? Look around.
If we hadn't put in the work, the Magic Motor Inn would never have made it to AAA's list of most affordable motor lodges off the I-4 in East Orlando.
Did you switch bodies with my dad? The point is natural talent only takes you so far.
Key to success Hard work.
Look at Simryn.
She wouldn't have won all those spelling bees if she didn't put in the work.
She said she didn't study for any of those.
[Doorbell rings.]
You never studied for the spelling bee? You lied to us about being at the library.
No, I was at the library, reading magazines on microfiche.
Did you know there's a "Vogue" - for Amish girls? - What? The quizzes are great.
You know I'm a sucker for limited circulation magazines.
Simryn, why would you not just tell us? I didn't want you to feel like I didn't earn it.
I know how much you value hard work.
We all do.
How many times have you heard how he wouldn't have gotten out of the village without pulling himself up by his bootstraps? I had to share my bootstraps with, like, uh - All 30 cousins.
- All 30 cousins.
Okay, fine.
But we still don't want you to lie to us.
Yes.
I agree with your father.
Unless you're dating that tall dummy out there.
In which case, please lie.
[Sighs.]
Oh, hello, my wife.
I'm not in the mood, and why are there so many? It's Lactaid.
You were right about Emery.
You deserve ice cream, but not just home ice cream.
The kind high-schoolers get on an innocent date before they ravage each other.
It's fine.
Emery working is reward enough.
No, I found a new spot at the mall that's so fancy they spell "shop" with two Ps and an E.
Shop-puh-pee.
Shop-pee.
Shop Shop-pay Shop Shop-pee-pee puh-pee.
Shop-puh-pee.
Wandering eyes, Jessica.
There a good-looking man over there? [Laughs nervously.]
- [Laughs.]
- Yes.
A good-looking adult man we definitely don't know.
[Chuckles.]
Wow.
You're really looking.
- He must be sexy.
- Oh! Thank you for this, Louis.
Thank you.
I've really enjoyed it.
Let's go.
No, not before I tell you that you are an amazing mother and a great role model for our children.
[Chuckles nervously.]
The way you knew Emery needed consequences Mom? Dad? Hey! Jessica, why am I at the mall looking at my son's nipples? Hey, buddy.
Pro tip Bun tans only work if you pull your shorts down.
I'm mad at you And myself.
I really wish I had sanitized this chair before I laid down.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry if I made you feel like you're not awesome.
Because there's no one awesomer.
"Awesomer" is not a word.
Or maybe it is.
Who knows? I'm no natural.
Whoa.
It looks like you were grilled.
Oh, I guess I'm not a natural tanner, either.
Evan, being a natural doesn't matter.
Really? Please black out and enlighten me.
You have the greatest natural talent of all Your work ethic.
That's what makes you so special.
And how is that special? Anyone can get lucky every now and then, but your focus will help you succeed in anything you want.
That's why you got to get back in that spelling bee and bring home the Iron Man.
[Exhales sharply.]
Deal.
But if you do wind up in my guest house, I'm not splurging on permits, so if the plumbing breaks down, you're on your own.
[Chuckles.]
Better head to the shower.
Gonna take extra soap to get all this oil off.
Uhp, I don't think the Lactaid worked.
I got to go, too.
Oh, please.
You took a double dose.
Why didn't you tell me Emery's working at a half-nude clothing outlet? You knew pushing Emery too hard would lead to a bad choice.
But you did it anyway, and now our son is selling his body.
Well, just from the waist up.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
I was wrong.
I just wanted to help him figure it out.
Well, I was wrong, too.
Emery's older now and needs to learn the real world has consequences.
When you think about it, we were both half-right.
And I admitted it first, so I was first half-right.
Sure.
Here's a tiffin for your ride home.
Some rice, vegetables, and a samosa for each one of you.
It's like a triangle hot pocket.
Do you want this nice container back? 'Cause I guarantee my mom's gonna steal it.
Smart mom.
Hey, if you guys are available, you should come to the spelling bee.
You got it.
Bring it in, Evan.
Dad, what are you doing? We don't hug.
MINA: He's frisking him for stolen shampoos.
Okay.
Have a safe trip, boys.
He's clean.
Thank you.
It was delicious.
[Burps.]
Mm.
[Car door opens, closes.]
[Engine starts.]
[Applause.]
Hello, Evan.
Guetapens.
Please use it in a sentence.
I still can't believe you haven't told Mom about your 1500.
- Um, I figured it was Evan's day.
- Oh.
That's so nice of you.
Also, I'm saving it just in case things get out of hand at South Padre.
G-U-E-T-A-P-E-N-S.
- Guetapens.
- MAN: That is correct.
Yes, Evan! [Applause.]
Does he get a trophy? You get a ribbon and a certificate that won't fit in a standard frame.
These kids think they're so smart.
Good luck in the apocalypse.
They'll be the first ones eaten.