Futurama s06e12 Episode Script

Good news, everyone! We've been hired to make our 100th delivery.
One hundred! - That's almost 10 per year.
- This calls for a party, baby.
I'm ordering 100 kegs, 100 hookers and 100 Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise.
Be very gentle, folks.
This is the soufflé you're delivering to Mrs.
Astor.
Oh, my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great soufflé, Elzar! Whatever you do, don't drop it.
See, Mrs.
Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in soufflé form.
Bam! To prevent the soufflé from exploding, Bender will carry it.
He's gyroscopically stable.
Look! Mrs.
Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge.
Wow, it's ricketier than it looks.
You better try to jump it, Bender.
Okay, let me back up for a running start.
Here I go! I shall inform Mrs.
Astor that the circus is in town.
- Your soufflé, madam.
- I shall take it here, under my fork.
- Where's the exploding? - One does not explode in Mrs.
Astor's face.
I couldn't eat another bite.
Hobsie? - Well done, sir.
Have you a name? - Hubert Farnsworth, at your service.
A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost 200 years.
- Yes, I have.
- And I'm his uncle.
How charmingly unconventional.
I can eat a hot dog underwater.
Say, would you Farnsworths care to be my guests tomorrow at the Astor Endowment Fundraiser? - All the best families will be there.
- We can take them.
On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down Fifth A venue aboard the Land Titanic, the largest street-going vessel ever built.
Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached 32nd Street, the land liner struck a mailbox and went down.
including my dear husband.
In loving memory, I established the Mr.
Astor Endowment, which this year supports the United Mutant Scholarship Fund.
Mutants? That's the kind of thing you are.
Shh.
You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface.
If anyone asks, say I'm an alien, remember? - Right.
You gonna finish that roll? - Shh.
Now, a short film about those pitiable creatures so in need of our charity.
Far beneath the everyday rumble of limousines and poodle feet, there toil a downtrodden people even less well off than the upper middle class.
The noble sewer mutants.
For, you see, generations of exposure to toxic sewage mutated them into horrific monsters! Shut up.
These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning.
And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? At Brown University, the nation's premiere institution of lower learning.
So please, give generously, knowing some poor helpless mutant will thank you.
Not in person, thank God.
- Well, that was disturbing.
- I understand, dear.
They are hideous.
Look, I guess you mean well, but isn't that university just a tax-deductible sewer-cleaning service? My dear, that school is about much more than sewer pipes.
Really? It's also about keeping those filthy things busy.
There are thousands of them down there, breeding like rats.
My great uncle once saw a rat.
If we don't keep them busy, they'll start jabbering about equal rights in their ill-bred manner.
Let's go.
If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot.
Well! Rarely have I never! Please, don't blame Leela.
She's just a little ill-bred.
You know how mutants are.
Your companion is a mutant? But if anyone asks, say she's an alien.
Help! Police! You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get past Mrs.
Astor.
- What's going to happen to me? - Permanent deportation, you mutant.
You going downtown, baby.
Way down.
Incoming! - Thanks, Colonel.
- Just doing my job, ma'am.
Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, sweetie.
Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.
What do you say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake and Safeway ice cream.
Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff.
Who's in the mood to party? Whoo! - Poor Leela.
I feel like I ruined her life.
- You did ruin her life.
- You might be right, Hermes.
- I am right.
I almost feel like we should do something to help her.
We should do something! I don't care what you say, Hermes.
Let's go.
Oh, mighty Mayor, we're here about Turanga Leela.
- You mean Leela? - Right.
I mean, sure, she's a mutant, we've known that for years, but we kept it secret 'cause she's a fine, upstanding Wait.
You knowingly attempted to harbor a mutant? We did harbor a mutant! Uh-oh.
Look, Leela, there's Old Filthful.
- Urgh! - And there's the West Side Pipeway.
If those guys slack off for even a second, it could explode.
Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela.
- Hey.
- How you doing? Well, they're with the chuds now.
These conditions are deplorable.
I swear, I hate every single person on the surface for making us live like this.
- Leela! - What are you doing here? We were sentenced to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
$3 at the drugstore.
I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.
How dare you.
You want to understand something? Look at that lake.
One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated.
You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.
Urgh! You want to know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim.
I would, but I ate a bunch of potato salad, so Yeah, that's what I thought.
You are all surface.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Fry! Hermes! Where my humans at? Ah, who cares? It is on.
Hey, hey, hey.
I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered? You know it.
And there's mini quiches, too.
It's getting cold and smelly.
My Odor-Eaters are going critical.
Maybe we could plotz in that giant cockle.
Shmeepers, it's the Land Titanic, the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed.
This was one hell of a bus.
Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye.
Zoidberg, show some respect.
This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives.
Hey, I found a safe.
It's coming loose.
Hand me some more of that cruise director.
The original passenger manifest.
Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.
Just one other item.
It's jewelry.
Jewelry! It's jewelry, people! It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald.
What's that enscribbled on it? "My dear Mrs.
Astor.
"My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship "and as brilliant as this stone.
"Dictated but not read, Mr.
Astor.
" Aw.
That's so valuable.
Yeah, I'll never have love like that.
Leela hates me now.
Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela? What's the matter, Leela? You've hardly touched your toilet clams.
Maybe I was too harsh on Fry.
He didn't ruin my life on purpose.
Things will work out, honey.
Now, here.
Have some more of what looks like lemonade.
We can dip left slide right all night It's time to be wild Freestyle It's on and poppin' Ain't no stoppin' us from rockin' From tonight to ten o'clock Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy, but this is the dangest wang I ever doodled.
Oh, yeah! Come on, baby, let's do it! Shake your booty, baby.
Come on! Yeah! This beat bangs, here's my chance Come on, girl, let's go, I can't Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I want to be alone! - Alone with me? - I said scram, grapey! - Fry? What are you doing? - You were right.
I don't know what it's like to be a mutant.
But I want to know.
Wait.
I never meant for you to Oh, no! Fry! Fry! No! No! Any effect? Sorry.
I tried to scream but I barfed.
I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant.
So what's with all the screaming? Hey, guys.
Fry, this is the stupidest, sweetest thing you've ever done.
And you know, maybe now, together, we can be an inspiration to other mutants.
I hope so, Leela.
Aw.
Come here.
Let me give you a kiss.
Hug.
Handshake.
I'll text you.
My fellow mutants, until recently, I dwelt on the surface, where a man can gaze up at the sky in wonder without a wet clump falling in his mouth.
We can do that, too.
Who's ready to fight for equality? The devolution revolution has begun! Beautiful mutants, please welcome Devo! Hello, Sewer City.
As longtime mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle, and we'll do anything we can for you! - Play Whip lt! - No.
Play the other one.
It's a beautiful world we live in A sweet romantic place Beautiful people everywhere The way they show they care Makes me want to say It's a beautiful world Ooh! It's a beautiful world It's a beautiful world For you For you For you Now that we've got their attention, it's time to hit them where they sit by bending the West Side Pipeway to return all sewage to the surface.
But who could possibly bend such a huge pipe? So Ionely.
Poor, sad Bender.
Hey, buddy.
What the heck? Bend it! Bend it! Bend it! What goes down must back up.
Yucks.
I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.
Prepare to storm the surface for the Million Mutant March! Move out, Fry.
We need our most disgusting mutant leading the charge.
I'll meet you up there.
I need to check out something first.
- Okay.
Vyolet, you're up front.
- Hey! Mayor, this sewer debacle has gone on long enough.
As your largest campaign contributor, I demand action! Very well.
$80 worth of action it is.
Voilà.
We simply pump the fruits of our excretion into Madison Cube Garden.
Well, it seems everything is under - Two! - Four! - Six eyes! - The mutant people will arise! The segregation of the mutant people ends today.
We demand equal rights, equal access to the surface, and the blood of your first-born children.
That's so we have something to give up in the negotiations.
I've never been so moved, and I see no reason to begin now.
Hobsie, flush those creatures back down the hole they crawled out of.
Madam's sewage-seeking missile.
Let my people stay! Neat.
Mrs.
Astor, deep in the sewer, we discovered the wreck of the Land Titanic, on which your husband land-drowned.
Inside was something that might interest you.
The gemerald ring my husband was to give me in lieu of children.
So what? I have a chandelier in my car made of those.
Not the gem.
This passenger manifest.
It turns out there were mutants on that ship working below deck in the sewage galley.
Ma'am? I was just a young girl.
Drain angels, they called us.
When the ship started going down, my mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car.
But the places were all taken by surface passengers.
As my mother held me tight, I suddenly felt the gentle tap of a cane on my face.
I turned to see the kindly smile of Mr.
Astor.
Thanks to your husband's humanity, I lived to raise my own daughter, and she, a daughter in turn.
- Mom, why have I never heard this? - My mother's nuts.
I beg you, Mrs.
Astor, if you truly want to honor your husband's memory, treat these people with dignity, as he did.
Oh, he was a dear man, Mr.
Astor.
Randall, let's grant these mutants their freedom.
Okay.
- Are we not men now? - I'm 40% potato, but close enough.
Thank you, Fry.
I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now.
- What the - Good afternoon.
I am Mr.
Astor.
I did not perish that fateful day, but rather plummeted into the toxic lake, where I mutated and lived in solitude until this ruddy lad here stepped into my mouth and lodged there.
Mister? Is that really you? Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people! Mom, Dad, Grandma, this is where I work.
Oh! Was there a fire? - So, Bender, how was the party? - Only the greatest party ever! I don't need to have another party in my whole life.
I am partied out! Dang.
Sorry we missed it.
We could have another one, if it would make you guys feel better.
- Really? No, that's not necessary.
- Hit it, Bender! Bend it, bend it Just a little bit And take it easy Show you're likin'it And, lover, you know that we're gonna hit The heights 'cause I'm sure that we're made to fit Together, just like pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle What's the hustle?