Garfield and Friends (1988) s06e12 Episode Script
Stairway to Stardom/Midnight Ride of Paul Revere's Duck/Magic, Monsters and Manicotti
(Narrator) Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield and friends. (drumroll)
We're, we're ♪
Ready, ready ♪
To, to ♪
Party
We're ready to party, we're ready ♪
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
(Wade) I'm scared!
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Dancing, fiesta ♪
Romancing, siesta ♪
Samba, la bamba ♪
Ay caramba
Disguises, disguises ♪
Surprises, surprises ♪
And pies of, and pies of ♪
All sizes
(screams)
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
(Wade) You bet!
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Garfield and Friends
(Garfield) Think of a number between one and 10.
The number you're thinking of seven.
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
It's lunchtime.
Do you see any food on the table, Odie?
(Odie) Mm-mm.
(Garfield) I don't see any food on the table either.
I hate it when this place goes self-service.
No food in the refrigerator.
But Jon was supposed to go to the market this morning.
This can only mean Jon is missing!
Odie, Jon is missing!
(howls)
Call the police!
Call the FBI!
But first, call a pizzeria that delivers.
(loud crash) Get off me.
Three, four, five.
Uh-oh, I'm in the Wizard's dungeon.
(Garfield) Ahem, does the word lunch
mean anything to you?
Now, I have to draw a card
and answer the gamemaster's riddle.
(Garfield) Yoo-hoo, ground control to Major Jon, hello!
If a father gave one of his sons 19 cents,
and the other six cents, what time would it be?
(cymbals crash) Ooh, this is a toughie.
Oh, hi, Garfield.
I'll fix lunch after I figure out this riddle.
(Garfield) We'll have to resort to more drastic means.
For the last six months,
every time Jon has phoned to have food delivered,
I've secretly taped them.
TAPE RECORDER: Hello this is Jon Arbuckle.
I'd like to get 10 pizzas delivered.
(Garfield) Get the phone book, Odie.
The way Jon's playing that game,
we'd better order lunch and dinner.
(Odie barks) (phone ringing)
Uh, hello?
Pizza In A Jiffy, may I help you?
(Tape recorder) Hello, this is Jon Arbuckle.
I'd like to get 10 pizzas delivered.
(Garfield) You have to do things like this
when you can't talk.
Six.
Okay, one, two, three, four, (yawns) five, six.
(yawns)
I'm back in the Wizard's dungeon again.
I shouldn't have stayed up all night playing this game.
(yawns)
But I have to solve the riddle.
Here I am, trapped in the Wizard's dungeon again.
There must be a way out of here.
(Wizard) Haven't you found it yet, cartoonist?
Wizard, where are you?
And do you still seek the treasure
of the Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?
All you have to do is solve my riddle,
and the treasure is yours!
Let me have it one more time, Wiz.
If a father gave one of his sons 19 cents,
and the other six cents, what time would it be?
19 cents to one, and six to the other.
Hey, where'd you go?
I'm out here, cartoonist, where you'll never be!
Let me out of the cell, Wizard!
You'll never get out
to find the Bottomless Wallet, cartoonist.
And even if you do get out, Venomous will destroy you.
Bye, now.
Let me out of here!
Wizard?
Come back! Wizard!
Well, at least I'm safe in here.
(loud roars)
(whimpering)
Who are you?
ENCHANTED CAT: I'm an Enchanted Cat.
Didn't you read the game rules?
Enchanted Cat, can you get me out of here, please?
Hurry!
ENCHANTED CAT: What do you expect me to do?
I'm only an Enchanted Cat.
But, uh, you might check and see
if your cell door is locked.
Check and see if my cell door is locked.
What a useless, stupid idea!
What a ridicu, uh
(loud clank)
How did you know the cell door was unlocked?
ENCHANTED CAT: I'm an Enchanted Cat.
All part of my job.
Can you help me on my quest
to locate the Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?
ENCHANTED CAT: The Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?!
Isn't that what the evil gamesman Venomous
has vowed to destroy?
That's the one.
ENCHANTED CAT: Well, nice knowing you, fella.
Wait, don't leave me alone!
Don't leave me, Enchanted Cat.
(Garfield) Sounds like Jon's having a bad dream sequence.
(phone rings)
Texas Takeout Barbecue Pit, how can I help you, partner?
(Tape recorder) Yes, I'd like five orders
of ribs and beans delivered, please.
I've got to solve the riddle.
Oh, the father gave 19 cents to one son,
six cents to the other, so what time was it?
Okay, which door do I pick?
I'll try this one.
(loud roar)
(yelps)
I'll try the second door.
I am Venomous, master of all evil.
(yelps)
I'll fry the third door.
Good morning, could I interest you
in a set of encyclopedias?
(screams)
What do I do now?!
(loud pounding)
(loud crash)
You think a flimsy wooden door
will stop the master of all evil?!
Well, I was hoping--
You shall face my wrath.
(loud zap) (loud crash)
(Jon) Help!
You cannot run from me, cartoonist.
The only way to defeat me is to find the Bottomless Wallet.
I'm trying.
I'm trying!
Use the Force, cartoonist.
Use the Force!
But I don't have the Force!
Ooh, in that case, you're dead meat.
Oh, Venomous is after me and he's gonna get me.
I'm a goner!
ENCHANTED CAT: Then you better solve the riddle.
Solve the riddle?!
I haven't been able to solve the riddle!
Where are you?
ENCHANTED CAT: Aw, come on, if a father gave
one of his sons 19 cents, and the other six cents,
what time would it be?
I don't know!
ENCHANTED CAT: He's giving them a total of 25 cents.
Therefore, it would be a quarter to two.
(door creaking) Venomous!
(loud crash) Quick, set the clock hands
to a quarter to two.
Quarter to two, got it!
(bell ringing)
A Bottomless Wallet!
You, you have found the Bottomless Wallet.
You have destroyed me! (loud bubbling)
I'm melting!
I'm melting.
It
It worked.
Enchanted Cat, how can I ever thank you?
(Enchanted Cat) Ahem, uh, open your wallet.
No matter how much money I take out of the wallet,
it's always full!
(laughs)
Have some money, everyone!
(laughs) Help yourself!
There's plenty more where this came from!
Here!
(vacuum whirs)
(Garfield) If you can't wake him up, just get his wallet.
(whining)
Huh?
Oh, have some money, everyone.
Here's some for you and for you.
The wallet is never empty!
And here's some for you and you and you.
Huh?
(Garfield) Don't worry, I'll stop him
before he gives away his driver's license.
Some for you, and a little for you,
and you got some, and here's
("Rock-a-bye Baby")
(snoring)
(Garfield) Ahem, this is a dog,
and this is a dog whistle.
Observe.
It emits a sound that can be heard
only by lower lifeforms, such as dogs.
Now, this is a dog trumpet.
(gentle music)
(upbeat music)
(loud pounding)
(Roy) Whoever it is, go away!
We don't want any, scram, hit the road, Jack!
But, Roy, I'm, like, delivering the mail.
(Roy) Don't you understand rude English?
Begone, leave, take a hike, I'm busy!
Well, okay, man,
if you're too busy for me to deliver your fan mail.
That's right, I'm too busy for you to deliver my fan mail?
Did you say fan mail?!
My fudge can wait.
Give me my fan mail.
Give me my fan mail!
Hey, like, hold your feathers, dude.
Fan mail!
Tons of Roy loving fan mail from my admirers out there.
I love you all.
Let the avalanche of fan mail commence!
Gee, I hope you didn't strain your back carrying all that.
One letter?
This is an insult.
This couldn't possibly be more demeaning.
By the way, it's postage due.
Muchas gracias, man.
Now, all I gotta do is deliver Wade's fan mail,
and I'm, like, outta here.
Wade?
Wade gets fan mail?
Well, I sure hope he doesn't get more than me.
(upbeat music)
(somber violin music)
Ho-ho, very funny.
Enjoy yourselves.
Trample on a poor rooster's ego.
At least I have one fan letter.
Ahem.
Dear Roy, are you still on the show?
Haven't seen much of you lately.
This letter is right.
I haven't been on the show enough lately.
I don't even know what this episode is about.
(Orson) Paul Revere was a silversmith
who lived in Massachusetts in the year 1775.
And you say there was a war going on?
Oh, yes, the Revolutionary War.
The British were controlling America at the time.
And the American patriots wanted them all
to go home to England.
This is a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
It's about a famous ride by Paul Revere.
Orson's reading that old poem this week?
Well, this week, I'm reading a poem instead of Orson.
And I'll even stick Wade in it,
and make all those Duck fans happy.
Here we go.
Where's my rhyming dictionary?
What rhymes with orange?
So this is all about how the British came to attack
and Paul Revere ran to warn the patriots.
This sounds very historical.
SHELDON: And boring!
I'll ignore that.
Ahem.
Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.
On the 18th of April in '75, hardly a man is now alive
who remembers that famous day and year--
Or, who cares?
Guys.
The chicks do have a point, Orse.
One side, poetry pig.
Roy, I'm trying to read a poem--
Put a sock in it, Orse.
I'll show you how to read a poem.
Ahem.
Listen, my children, 'cause now you're stuck.
If you think you're leaving, you're outta luck.
On a Tuesday in April, a long time ago,
hardly a soul alive does know
of a Paul Revere and his craven duck.
Ooh, sounds like a Wade role coming up.
Paul said to his friend
that the British would not dare invade that eve,
and with that, he went to get in bed
and he quickly took his leave.
But his loyal pet had a different view,
and with courage, swiftly fading,
he went to find a lookout
who could warn him of invading.
My fellow, should the British army
come attack us this night,
go to the old north church, give a signal with a light.
One if my land, two if by sea,
three if they swing from a vine on a tree,
four if the British invade us by plane,
five if they come on a skateboard or train,
six if by camel, by bus, or by rail,
seven if sent here by overnight mail,
eight if they swim underwater, like shrimp,
nine if they get here by zeppelin or blimp,
10 if by skiing, 11 by van, 12 with the pizza delivery man,
13 by rowboat, a yacht, or canoe,
14 if hopping here by kangaroo,
whichever of these or some other not named,
I shall be in hiding most deeply ashamed.
Goodbye.
Then he said, "Goodnight," and at lightning pace,
ran off to secure a good hiding place.
And throughout the night, he would shake with fear,
hiding beneath the bedding of Paul Revere.
He remained alert, didn't dare to snooze.
He just hid right there by a pair of shoes.
And as time went by, our most timid waif
got the dumb idea that he might be safe.
It was then that the silly notion died
as he heard the sound of some men outside.
From beneath the bed where the floorboards creak,
he snuck to the wall for a little peek.
What he saw outside filled the duck with dread,
lots of soldier men in their coats of red.
Over and over with all his might, he yelled--
They're invading our town tonight!
(Roy) Though he screamed quite loud that the foe was here,
the duck couldn't wake Mr. Paul Revere.
It is vital that someone goes spread the alarm
to every Middlesex village and farm.
(Roy) For a moment, it looked like
the duck would start riding.
Instead, he returned to the place he'd been hiding.
But when he then noticed a roach near his feet--
Cockroach!
Help, cockroach!
(Roy) He ran panicky into the cobblestone street,
and since he was out there and feeling quite skittish,
he figured he'd warn passersby of the British.
The Yiddish are coming!
(Roy) He warned two men near.
From the red in your coats, I would say that they're here.
(Roy) The duck turned to run in a terrified pace,
but he ran into Paul Revere's trashcans and waste.
Getting through all that trash was an obstacle course,
one slip and he landed on Paul Revere's horse.
The horse thought that he must be under attack,
so he galloped away with a duck on his back.
Whoa!
Stop, please!
Help!
Pretty please with oats on it!
Help!
With him constantly pleading to stop or slow down,
the duck crossed the bridge into Middlesex town.
He passed the north church and he yelled loud and clear.
Don't mess with those lights 'cause the British are here!
Uh, let's see, man.
15 if they come by bus, no, no, no, that was by pogo stick.
Huh?
(Roy) As the horse rid his way
past each village and farm--
(Wade) Help!
Get me off of this thing, will ya?!
Whoa!
Every patriot woke from his cries of alarm.
Though they could not make out what the screaming duck said,
in each house, they awoke and they leapt outta bed.
The rest of the tale, you doubtlessly know,
how the patriots dealt the invaders a blow.
Many heroes were cited for courage and pluck,
but they all missed the journey of Paul Revere's duck.
The end.
Well, how'd you like it?
What can I say?
Roy, you destroyed one of the greatest poems
in American history.
Yeah.
Orson's poem was boring, but yours was just made up.
And besides, it was based on a silly accident.
That kinda thing never happens, you know?
(loud splat) Ooh!
(horse whinnies) Help!
Well, does somebody?
Help!
Art imitating life, you know?!
Help!
Hey, all I care is it got me on the show this week.
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
Guys, isn't that the most incredible view
you've ever seen?
(Garfield) It's one of them.
I'm saving it for later,
but I thought I'd take it out and admire it now.
I love it up here in the mountains.
Almost wish I could live up here.
(Odie whining)
(Garfield) It's an alphabetical sandwich.
Hm? An alphabetical sandwich.
(Odie) Hm.
(Garfield) 26 ingredients all arranged
in alphabetical order.
Avocado, bologna, corned beef, deviled ham, egg,
feta cheese, all the way down to zucchini.
(gasps)
You know what would be great, guys?
(Garfield) Yeah, if I could've found something for X,
instead of X-ray.
If I owned a mountain retreat
someplace to go on vacations.
There's a real estate office.
Let's see what it would cost.
(tires screech) (loud splat)
Uh, sorry about the abrupt stop, guys.
(Garfield) Terrific.
Now, I have to re-alphabetize my whole sandwich.
(chuckles)
What kind of houses are available, Mister--
Escrow, Samuel P. Escrow.
Well, let me look through some of my listings.
(Garfield) Real estate people
use a special language, Odie.
I'll translate for you.
(Odie) Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Quaint starter home priced to move.
(Garfield) It's a dump and it's sinking into quicksand.
Magnificent view.
(Garfield) It's about to fall off the edge of a cliff.
Needs TLC.
(Garfield) Needs toilets, lights, and ceiling.
Indoor pool.
(Garfield) Five feet of water in the basement.
Oh, ah, here's one.
Charming fixer-upper requires some restoration.
(Garfield) Mm-hm, most likely on fire.
Mr. Arbuckle, why don't we take a ride
and I'll show you some homes?
Mr. Escrow, how big a place could I get for this much?
Uh, about that size.
That's without the phone, of course.
(upbeat music)
I do have one house up here a ways
that's in your price range.
It's a house with a lot of history.
(Garfield) That means it's haunted.
That means it's haunted.
(tires screech)
Wait a minute, haunted?
That's ridiculous.
Show us the house.
Everything okay back there, guys?
(Garfield) You do that one more time,
and I'm gonna get another chauffeur, fella.
(sighs) Let's see.
A.
B.
C.
It's perfect, Mr. Escrow.
Just let me sign the contract.
Here you go, and here's the down payment in cash.
I hope you enjoy the house.
I love everything about being up here,
even taking a deep breath.
(sniffs) (coughs)
Oh, what is it that's so strange about the air up here?
It's clean.
Oh.
(whining)
(Garfield) Don't spill.
I finally got my sandwich back and order again.
Let me drive you back to your office.
SAMUEL: Oh, not necessary.
Oh, but it must be 20 miles.
Oh, don't worry about me.
You go enjoy your new house.
Goodbye.
I was amazed how much furniture
the previous owners left here, even a TV set.
(Garfield) Yeah, but it only gets one station,
and it's the All Dick Clark Channel.
(yawns)
Well, I'm gonna go upstairs to get some sleep, guys.
Hope you like your new place here.
(whimpers)
Odie, you don't believe that story
about this place being haunted, do you?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm!
Uh-huh.
Just keep telling yourself
there's no such thing as ghosts.
Goodnight.
(whining)
(Garfield) No chance.
Ah, here it is.
26 ingredients all arranged alphabetically.
It not only tastes good, it's educational.
(whining)
All right, all right.
You can have P through T.
Peanut butter, quail, relish, salt, and tomato.
(groans)
(loud groaning)
Did you hear that?
(Odie) Mm-mm.
(Garfield) Neither did I.
(screams)
(loud slam)
(panting)
Go see if it's safe out there.
(Odie whimpering)
(gentle music)
(Odie) Mm!
(Garfield) Odie, do you smell banana breath?
(grunting)
(howls)
Oh, I wish I hadn't looked.
(Odie barking)
Come on, Odie.
Either that this house is haunted
or our producer's buying old Scooby-Doo scripts.
(snores) (yelping)
What, huh, what?
What is going on here?
(Garfield) I think that should be self-explanatory.
(laughs)
(screams)
(Jon) Come on, guys!
We're gonna get outta here!
(Garfield) Best idea I've heard
since microwave garlic bread.
And I'm gonna stop at that real estate agent's office,
and demand my deposit back!
Hello?! (knocking)
Mr. Escrow?!
It's me, Jon Arbuckle!
(knocking) Mr. Escrow!
(yawns)
I'm sorry, but I don't know you.
I'd like to speak to Mr. Escrow.
Uh, I'm Mr. Escrow.
I, you, but
May I come in, please?
Yes.
I've been away for six weeks.
I just got back this evening.
The office was locked up tight.
But I was here.
A man sold me a house in the hills.
(barking)
That's him!
That's the man who sold me the house!
I'm afraid that's impossible.
That's my uncle Samuel.
He passed away in 1973.
He did?
Yes.
I inherited this business from him.
But, but if he, how did, ooh.
(screams) Let me outta here!
(Odie barking) Oh, no!
Absolutely outta here!
(engine revs) (tires screech)
Uh, three hours and 10 minutes.
Hey, that's almost a new record.
The usual split?
Fine with me.
You know, I don't know why people say
there's no money in real estate these days.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
We're, we're ♪
Ready, ready ♪
To, to ♪
Party
We're ready to party, we're ready ♪
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
(Wade) I'm scared!
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Dancing, fiesta ♪
Romancing, siesta ♪
Samba, la bamba ♪
Ay caramba
Disguises, disguises ♪
Surprises, surprises ♪
And pies of, and pies of ♪
All sizes
(screams)
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
(Wade) You bet!
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Garfield and Friends
(Garfield) Think of a number between one and 10.
The number you're thinking of seven.
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
It's lunchtime.
Do you see any food on the table, Odie?
(Odie) Mm-mm.
(Garfield) I don't see any food on the table either.
I hate it when this place goes self-service.
No food in the refrigerator.
But Jon was supposed to go to the market this morning.
This can only mean Jon is missing!
Odie, Jon is missing!
(howls)
Call the police!
Call the FBI!
But first, call a pizzeria that delivers.
(loud crash) Get off me.
Three, four, five.
Uh-oh, I'm in the Wizard's dungeon.
(Garfield) Ahem, does the word lunch
mean anything to you?
Now, I have to draw a card
and answer the gamemaster's riddle.
(Garfield) Yoo-hoo, ground control to Major Jon, hello!
If a father gave one of his sons 19 cents,
and the other six cents, what time would it be?
(cymbals crash) Ooh, this is a toughie.
Oh, hi, Garfield.
I'll fix lunch after I figure out this riddle.
(Garfield) We'll have to resort to more drastic means.
For the last six months,
every time Jon has phoned to have food delivered,
I've secretly taped them.
TAPE RECORDER: Hello this is Jon Arbuckle.
I'd like to get 10 pizzas delivered.
(Garfield) Get the phone book, Odie.
The way Jon's playing that game,
we'd better order lunch and dinner.
(Odie barks) (phone ringing)
Uh, hello?
Pizza In A Jiffy, may I help you?
(Tape recorder) Hello, this is Jon Arbuckle.
I'd like to get 10 pizzas delivered.
(Garfield) You have to do things like this
when you can't talk.
Six.
Okay, one, two, three, four, (yawns) five, six.
(yawns)
I'm back in the Wizard's dungeon again.
I shouldn't have stayed up all night playing this game.
(yawns)
But I have to solve the riddle.
Here I am, trapped in the Wizard's dungeon again.
There must be a way out of here.
(Wizard) Haven't you found it yet, cartoonist?
Wizard, where are you?
And do you still seek the treasure
of the Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?
All you have to do is solve my riddle,
and the treasure is yours!
Let me have it one more time, Wiz.
If a father gave one of his sons 19 cents,
and the other six cents, what time would it be?
19 cents to one, and six to the other.
Hey, where'd you go?
I'm out here, cartoonist, where you'll never be!
Let me out of the cell, Wizard!
You'll never get out
to find the Bottomless Wallet, cartoonist.
And even if you do get out, Venomous will destroy you.
Bye, now.
Let me out of here!
Wizard?
Come back! Wizard!
Well, at least I'm safe in here.
(loud roars)
(whimpering)
Who are you?
ENCHANTED CAT: I'm an Enchanted Cat.
Didn't you read the game rules?
Enchanted Cat, can you get me out of here, please?
Hurry!
ENCHANTED CAT: What do you expect me to do?
I'm only an Enchanted Cat.
But, uh, you might check and see
if your cell door is locked.
Check and see if my cell door is locked.
What a useless, stupid idea!
What a ridicu, uh
(loud clank)
How did you know the cell door was unlocked?
ENCHANTED CAT: I'm an Enchanted Cat.
All part of my job.
Can you help me on my quest
to locate the Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?
ENCHANTED CAT: The Bottomless Wallet of Gorn?!
Isn't that what the evil gamesman Venomous
has vowed to destroy?
That's the one.
ENCHANTED CAT: Well, nice knowing you, fella.
Wait, don't leave me alone!
Don't leave me, Enchanted Cat.
(Garfield) Sounds like Jon's having a bad dream sequence.
(phone rings)
Texas Takeout Barbecue Pit, how can I help you, partner?
(Tape recorder) Yes, I'd like five orders
of ribs and beans delivered, please.
I've got to solve the riddle.
Oh, the father gave 19 cents to one son,
six cents to the other, so what time was it?
Okay, which door do I pick?
I'll try this one.
(loud roar)
(yelps)
I'll try the second door.
I am Venomous, master of all evil.
(yelps)
I'll fry the third door.
Good morning, could I interest you
in a set of encyclopedias?
(screams)
What do I do now?!
(loud pounding)
(loud crash)
You think a flimsy wooden door
will stop the master of all evil?!
Well, I was hoping--
You shall face my wrath.
(loud zap) (loud crash)
(Jon) Help!
You cannot run from me, cartoonist.
The only way to defeat me is to find the Bottomless Wallet.
I'm trying.
I'm trying!
Use the Force, cartoonist.
Use the Force!
But I don't have the Force!
Ooh, in that case, you're dead meat.
Oh, Venomous is after me and he's gonna get me.
I'm a goner!
ENCHANTED CAT: Then you better solve the riddle.
Solve the riddle?!
I haven't been able to solve the riddle!
Where are you?
ENCHANTED CAT: Aw, come on, if a father gave
one of his sons 19 cents, and the other six cents,
what time would it be?
I don't know!
ENCHANTED CAT: He's giving them a total of 25 cents.
Therefore, it would be a quarter to two.
(door creaking) Venomous!
(loud crash) Quick, set the clock hands
to a quarter to two.
Quarter to two, got it!
(bell ringing)
A Bottomless Wallet!
You, you have found the Bottomless Wallet.
You have destroyed me! (loud bubbling)
I'm melting!
I'm melting.
It
It worked.
Enchanted Cat, how can I ever thank you?
(Enchanted Cat) Ahem, uh, open your wallet.
No matter how much money I take out of the wallet,
it's always full!
(laughs)
Have some money, everyone!
(laughs) Help yourself!
There's plenty more where this came from!
Here!
(vacuum whirs)
(Garfield) If you can't wake him up, just get his wallet.
(whining)
Huh?
Oh, have some money, everyone.
Here's some for you and for you.
The wallet is never empty!
And here's some for you and you and you.
Huh?
(Garfield) Don't worry, I'll stop him
before he gives away his driver's license.
Some for you, and a little for you,
and you got some, and here's
("Rock-a-bye Baby")
(snoring)
(Garfield) Ahem, this is a dog,
and this is a dog whistle.
Observe.
It emits a sound that can be heard
only by lower lifeforms, such as dogs.
Now, this is a dog trumpet.
(gentle music)
(upbeat music)
(loud pounding)
(Roy) Whoever it is, go away!
We don't want any, scram, hit the road, Jack!
But, Roy, I'm, like, delivering the mail.
(Roy) Don't you understand rude English?
Begone, leave, take a hike, I'm busy!
Well, okay, man,
if you're too busy for me to deliver your fan mail.
That's right, I'm too busy for you to deliver my fan mail?
Did you say fan mail?!
My fudge can wait.
Give me my fan mail.
Give me my fan mail!
Hey, like, hold your feathers, dude.
Fan mail!
Tons of Roy loving fan mail from my admirers out there.
I love you all.
Let the avalanche of fan mail commence!
Gee, I hope you didn't strain your back carrying all that.
One letter?
This is an insult.
This couldn't possibly be more demeaning.
By the way, it's postage due.
Muchas gracias, man.
Now, all I gotta do is deliver Wade's fan mail,
and I'm, like, outta here.
Wade?
Wade gets fan mail?
Well, I sure hope he doesn't get more than me.
(upbeat music)
(somber violin music)
Ho-ho, very funny.
Enjoy yourselves.
Trample on a poor rooster's ego.
At least I have one fan letter.
Ahem.
Dear Roy, are you still on the show?
Haven't seen much of you lately.
This letter is right.
I haven't been on the show enough lately.
I don't even know what this episode is about.
(Orson) Paul Revere was a silversmith
who lived in Massachusetts in the year 1775.
And you say there was a war going on?
Oh, yes, the Revolutionary War.
The British were controlling America at the time.
And the American patriots wanted them all
to go home to England.
This is a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
It's about a famous ride by Paul Revere.
Orson's reading that old poem this week?
Well, this week, I'm reading a poem instead of Orson.
And I'll even stick Wade in it,
and make all those Duck fans happy.
Here we go.
Where's my rhyming dictionary?
What rhymes with orange?
So this is all about how the British came to attack
and Paul Revere ran to warn the patriots.
This sounds very historical.
SHELDON: And boring!
I'll ignore that.
Ahem.
Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.
On the 18th of April in '75, hardly a man is now alive
who remembers that famous day and year--
Or, who cares?
Guys.
The chicks do have a point, Orse.
One side, poetry pig.
Roy, I'm trying to read a poem--
Put a sock in it, Orse.
I'll show you how to read a poem.
Ahem.
Listen, my children, 'cause now you're stuck.
If you think you're leaving, you're outta luck.
On a Tuesday in April, a long time ago,
hardly a soul alive does know
of a Paul Revere and his craven duck.
Ooh, sounds like a Wade role coming up.
Paul said to his friend
that the British would not dare invade that eve,
and with that, he went to get in bed
and he quickly took his leave.
But his loyal pet had a different view,
and with courage, swiftly fading,
he went to find a lookout
who could warn him of invading.
My fellow, should the British army
come attack us this night,
go to the old north church, give a signal with a light.
One if my land, two if by sea,
three if they swing from a vine on a tree,
four if the British invade us by plane,
five if they come on a skateboard or train,
six if by camel, by bus, or by rail,
seven if sent here by overnight mail,
eight if they swim underwater, like shrimp,
nine if they get here by zeppelin or blimp,
10 if by skiing, 11 by van, 12 with the pizza delivery man,
13 by rowboat, a yacht, or canoe,
14 if hopping here by kangaroo,
whichever of these or some other not named,
I shall be in hiding most deeply ashamed.
Goodbye.
Then he said, "Goodnight," and at lightning pace,
ran off to secure a good hiding place.
And throughout the night, he would shake with fear,
hiding beneath the bedding of Paul Revere.
He remained alert, didn't dare to snooze.
He just hid right there by a pair of shoes.
And as time went by, our most timid waif
got the dumb idea that he might be safe.
It was then that the silly notion died
as he heard the sound of some men outside.
From beneath the bed where the floorboards creak,
he snuck to the wall for a little peek.
What he saw outside filled the duck with dread,
lots of soldier men in their coats of red.
Over and over with all his might, he yelled--
They're invading our town tonight!
(Roy) Though he screamed quite loud that the foe was here,
the duck couldn't wake Mr. Paul Revere.
It is vital that someone goes spread the alarm
to every Middlesex village and farm.
(Roy) For a moment, it looked like
the duck would start riding.
Instead, he returned to the place he'd been hiding.
But when he then noticed a roach near his feet--
Cockroach!
Help, cockroach!
(Roy) He ran panicky into the cobblestone street,
and since he was out there and feeling quite skittish,
he figured he'd warn passersby of the British.
The Yiddish are coming!
(Roy) He warned two men near.
From the red in your coats, I would say that they're here.
(Roy) The duck turned to run in a terrified pace,
but he ran into Paul Revere's trashcans and waste.
Getting through all that trash was an obstacle course,
one slip and he landed on Paul Revere's horse.
The horse thought that he must be under attack,
so he galloped away with a duck on his back.
Whoa!
Stop, please!
Help!
Pretty please with oats on it!
Help!
With him constantly pleading to stop or slow down,
the duck crossed the bridge into Middlesex town.
He passed the north church and he yelled loud and clear.
Don't mess with those lights 'cause the British are here!
Uh, let's see, man.
15 if they come by bus, no, no, no, that was by pogo stick.
Huh?
(Roy) As the horse rid his way
past each village and farm--
(Wade) Help!
Get me off of this thing, will ya?!
Whoa!
Every patriot woke from his cries of alarm.
Though they could not make out what the screaming duck said,
in each house, they awoke and they leapt outta bed.
The rest of the tale, you doubtlessly know,
how the patriots dealt the invaders a blow.
Many heroes were cited for courage and pluck,
but they all missed the journey of Paul Revere's duck.
The end.
Well, how'd you like it?
What can I say?
Roy, you destroyed one of the greatest poems
in American history.
Yeah.
Orson's poem was boring, but yours was just made up.
And besides, it was based on a silly accident.
That kinda thing never happens, you know?
(loud splat) Ooh!
(horse whinnies) Help!
Well, does somebody?
Help!
Art imitating life, you know?!
Help!
Hey, all I care is it got me on the show this week.
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
Guys, isn't that the most incredible view
you've ever seen?
(Garfield) It's one of them.
I'm saving it for later,
but I thought I'd take it out and admire it now.
I love it up here in the mountains.
Almost wish I could live up here.
(Odie whining)
(Garfield) It's an alphabetical sandwich.
Hm? An alphabetical sandwich.
(Odie) Hm.
(Garfield) 26 ingredients all arranged
in alphabetical order.
Avocado, bologna, corned beef, deviled ham, egg,
feta cheese, all the way down to zucchini.
(gasps)
You know what would be great, guys?
(Garfield) Yeah, if I could've found something for X,
instead of X-ray.
If I owned a mountain retreat
someplace to go on vacations.
There's a real estate office.
Let's see what it would cost.
(tires screech) (loud splat)
Uh, sorry about the abrupt stop, guys.
(Garfield) Terrific.
Now, I have to re-alphabetize my whole sandwich.
(chuckles)
What kind of houses are available, Mister--
Escrow, Samuel P. Escrow.
Well, let me look through some of my listings.
(Garfield) Real estate people
use a special language, Odie.
I'll translate for you.
(Odie) Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Quaint starter home priced to move.
(Garfield) It's a dump and it's sinking into quicksand.
Magnificent view.
(Garfield) It's about to fall off the edge of a cliff.
Needs TLC.
(Garfield) Needs toilets, lights, and ceiling.
Indoor pool.
(Garfield) Five feet of water in the basement.
Oh, ah, here's one.
Charming fixer-upper requires some restoration.
(Garfield) Mm-hm, most likely on fire.
Mr. Arbuckle, why don't we take a ride
and I'll show you some homes?
Mr. Escrow, how big a place could I get for this much?
Uh, about that size.
That's without the phone, of course.
(upbeat music)
I do have one house up here a ways
that's in your price range.
It's a house with a lot of history.
(Garfield) That means it's haunted.
That means it's haunted.
(tires screech)
Wait a minute, haunted?
That's ridiculous.
Show us the house.
Everything okay back there, guys?
(Garfield) You do that one more time,
and I'm gonna get another chauffeur, fella.
(sighs) Let's see.
A.
B.
C.
It's perfect, Mr. Escrow.
Just let me sign the contract.
Here you go, and here's the down payment in cash.
I hope you enjoy the house.
I love everything about being up here,
even taking a deep breath.
(sniffs) (coughs)
Oh, what is it that's so strange about the air up here?
It's clean.
Oh.
(whining)
(Garfield) Don't spill.
I finally got my sandwich back and order again.
Let me drive you back to your office.
SAMUEL: Oh, not necessary.
Oh, but it must be 20 miles.
Oh, don't worry about me.
You go enjoy your new house.
Goodbye.
I was amazed how much furniture
the previous owners left here, even a TV set.
(Garfield) Yeah, but it only gets one station,
and it's the All Dick Clark Channel.
(yawns)
Well, I'm gonna go upstairs to get some sleep, guys.
Hope you like your new place here.
(whimpers)
Odie, you don't believe that story
about this place being haunted, do you?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm!
Uh-huh.
Just keep telling yourself
there's no such thing as ghosts.
Goodnight.
(whining)
(Garfield) No chance.
Ah, here it is.
26 ingredients all arranged alphabetically.
It not only tastes good, it's educational.
(whining)
All right, all right.
You can have P through T.
Peanut butter, quail, relish, salt, and tomato.
(groans)
(loud groaning)
Did you hear that?
(Odie) Mm-mm.
(Garfield) Neither did I.
(screams)
(loud slam)
(panting)
Go see if it's safe out there.
(Odie whimpering)
(gentle music)
(Odie) Mm!
(Garfield) Odie, do you smell banana breath?
(grunting)
(howls)
Oh, I wish I hadn't looked.
(Odie barking)
Come on, Odie.
Either that this house is haunted
or our producer's buying old Scooby-Doo scripts.
(snores) (yelping)
What, huh, what?
What is going on here?
(Garfield) I think that should be self-explanatory.
(laughs)
(screams)
(Jon) Come on, guys!
We're gonna get outta here!
(Garfield) Best idea I've heard
since microwave garlic bread.
And I'm gonna stop at that real estate agent's office,
and demand my deposit back!
Hello?! (knocking)
Mr. Escrow?!
It's me, Jon Arbuckle!
(knocking) Mr. Escrow!
(yawns)
I'm sorry, but I don't know you.
I'd like to speak to Mr. Escrow.
Uh, I'm Mr. Escrow.
I, you, but
May I come in, please?
Yes.
I've been away for six weeks.
I just got back this evening.
The office was locked up tight.
But I was here.
A man sold me a house in the hills.
(barking)
That's him!
That's the man who sold me the house!
I'm afraid that's impossible.
That's my uncle Samuel.
He passed away in 1973.
He did?
Yes.
I inherited this business from him.
But, but if he, how did, ooh.
(screams) Let me outta here!
(Odie barking) Oh, no!
Absolutely outta here!
(engine revs) (tires screech)
Uh, three hours and 10 minutes.
Hey, that's almost a new record.
The usual split?
Fine with me.
You know, I don't know why people say
there's no money in real estate these days.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)