It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e12 Episode Script

- Look what Charlie and I found.
- Look at this.
Oh, God.
Ahh! Get that away from me.
It reeks.
What is that? - Dude, this is our mail.
- Look at that.
- It was in the sewer.
- What is our mail doing in the sewer? I threw it in there.
You turkeys never open it, so I just started throwing it in the sewer.
Why don't you just throw it into the trash? Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it and then yell at me.
Besides, I certainly never expected you guys to be rooting around in the sewer.
Uh, yeah.
That brings up another issue.
What are you two doing in the sewer? - We always go in the sewer.
- We hang out in the sewer.
Why? Why? There's stuff down there.
- Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer.
- You find shit down there.
- But how are you so clean? - We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.
- You guys! - Hang on a second, Dee.
We're getting into something.
Anything could be down there.
- Big stuff.
- Rings, coins, nudity.
That's part of the fun.
The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked looking for rings and coins? You feel it with your feet.
It's almost like clamming.
- Okay, but, you guys - - Dee, knock it off.
I wanna know why these two are rooting around in the sewer - My water just broke! - Drain could- What? - I'm having a baby.
Out of my way.
I've broken my water.
There's a baby inside of me running out of water.
Look out! Dennis, that was amazing.
I've never seen anybody drive that fast.
- You hit 120! 120! - I almost stewed my drawers.
She was screaming in my ear.
Probably screwed my transmission up.
- Nice and easy.
Here we go.
- Oh, yes.
This is my ride.
- They've done this before.
- Thank you.
All done with you.
You can go.
Where's the guy? Should we call the guy? The guy who - Oh, no.
That guy.
There's no guy.
- There's no guy? - There's no guy.
It's complicated.
There's gotta be a guy.
We'll go get the guy.
We'll get the dad.
Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay? I got it from here.
We can take it from here.
Right, Michael? - Yeah.
- Michael and I got it.
Thanks, guys.
All right.
Kind of rude but I guess if we're off the hook, let's head back to the bar.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I could get blitzed.
No.
Wait.
Stop, guys.
This is not right.
Something is not right here.
This is very suspicious.
- What? - There's no guy in the picture? - So what? - There's no dad in the picture.
The brunt of the responsibility of this kid is gonna fall on us.
We're gonna have to do everything.
- Ooh.
- You're right.
Dee is like the most irresponsible person on the planet.
Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.
Oh, my God! We're gonna be in charge of the kid? This kid cannot become our responsibility.
Look what this kid has ruined already.
He's ruined my transmission.
- Yeah.
- He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.
- I still wanna get to the bottom of that one.
- Right.
- We will.
- God knows what he's gonna ruin in the future.
He's going to ruin everything.
- We gotta find the dad! We gotta find that dad.
- You're right.
- Let's find the dad.
- It's the dad's responsibility.
- Let's find the dad.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I wonder if the dad even knows.
I'll bet she's embarrassed - too embarrassed to tell us because she's bedded some real stinkers.
- She might not even know herself.
- There's always overlap.
Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there and eaten the egg.
- There could be so many dads.
- No, sperm doesn't eat the egg.
It doesn't eat the egg and grow strong and become a baby? Either way, she's pregnant and it's a guy, so let's get him.
Why don't we just round up the usual suspects and then we'll figure out how many of them - - Somebody's gotta stay here with her.
- You think so? - You're right.
Yeah.
- You're right.
Yeah.
And it looks like it's gonna be you.
- Why? What happened? - Well, mostly because we're all on this side.
- You're over there.
- Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me? You didn't make it to this side on time.
- Also, now we're backing out and you're stuck there.
- I can back out.
- We'll find the dad.
- You better find that dad.
This is not fair.
Keep your eye on her.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Get down! I'm trying to make the TV go.
You are standing on top of a rolling chair.
You're gonna go flying through that window, for God sakes.
Get down.
- I'm serious.
You get down, Dee.
- All right, all right.
- Oh, my- What are you thinking? - I'm trying to watch my stories.
I have a very specific birth plan and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax but I can't get this goddamn TV to do anything.
What are you - Are you- Knock it off.
- I'm mad at the - - Stop straining yourself.
Go lie down.
Lie down now.
This is exactly what I was worried about, Dee.
I am going to have to do everything because you're an irresponsible person who stands atop rolling chairs and chooses to go flying through windows.
Have the baby first.
Have the stupid baby.
Then go flying through all the windows you like.
Oh, my- Just lie there.
Wait for the doctor.
I will get your stories.
God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me.
- Yeah.
- God, what an irritating thing babies are.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm having to do everything.
I'll figure you out, you son of a bitch.
Where is everybody? I thought this was supposed to be a party.
They'll be here.
You're early.
Do you have anything to drink? The salt on the chips dries out my mouth.
I'll poke around the fridge and see if there's anything.
Where's the beer? - I forgot the beer.
I'm sorry.
- You didn't bring the beer? How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer? - I got wrapped up in the invitations.
- A party with no beer.
- We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.
Oh! Hey! Party! Party! All right! Hey! - Hey, Cricket.
- Ooh.
Where's the booze at? What's up, fellas? - Hey.
- Who invited Cricket? I did, because I figured it's a wild card.
That's a stone you can leave unturned.
We don't have time for that bullshit.
Let's just pick one and go.
Hey, Bill? Could we talk to you for a sec? - Maybe, uh, in this - - Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Let's do this.
A little guy time.
Guy time.
All right, let's turn it up.
Whoo! Let's get weird, buddy.
Let's get weird.
- Thanks for coming to the party, Bill.
- Thanks for having me, guys.
It's good to get away from the wife and kids for a little bit- let the hair down.
So you're still with your wife after all that shit with Dee? Yeah, well, I realized I was a sex addict.
I went to therapy.
She forgave me for it.
Oh, you're a sex addict, huh? That's crazy to be one of those.
- You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you? - For what? - Just keeping a log of the party.
We like to do that.
- Oh.
A funny conversation pops up, you wanna remember it.
No problem.
Speaking of parties, you guys wanna do a little - - Is that coke? - Yeah.
I picked up a couple grams on the way over.
- Yeah, maybe a little bit later, we can all partake.
- Hey! But for now we're just a bunch of guys hanging out in a room.
- Right on.
- You know, dudes.
Let's talk about dude stuff.
I like dude stuff.
Like what? Oh, I don't know.
What do guys talk about? Condoms.
- Right.
- I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick.
- I hate condoms.
Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em.
- Yeah.
The three of us just don't use 'em.
How about you? Me neither.
I can't stand them.
Well, that's interesting.
A sex addict who doesn't like condoms.
That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.
You had a vasectomy? Yep.
You just winked when you said that.
Did you have a vasectomy or not? No.
But that's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.
Oh! - Okay.
That is incredibly shady.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
What a beautiful underhanded thing.
- Yeah.
- It's disgusting.
- You guys wanna do a bump or what? - I'll have a bump.
I don't understand why there's not a single room in this hospital - I don't know where - - That has a working television.
I want that room now.
I don't know where you think I'm gonna get it from.
I don't have any.
If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor.
The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds! You know what? I don't have time for this.
I ain't going to jail over you.
I will beat your ass and think nothing of it.
I'm not doing this with you today.
I'm not! I'm not! What's the word on my stories? - Why are you not in bed? - I slipped out for a quick sandwich and a soda.
- You left the hospital? - Yeah.
I was kind of hungry.
Mostly I was just getting bored.
Dee, get in your room.
You're drive- I - It's so boring.
There's nothing going on in there.
You get in your room.
Get in there.
- Don't push me though, because I'm pregnant and I don't Get in the bed.
- Wait a sec.
What's this? - I don't know.
Why is there a strange man in my room? They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never gonna use the room.
I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.
- Is he dead, Dennis? - I'm sure he's just sleeping.
Get in bed.
- I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up.
- Do not scream in the man's face.
I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine whether he's alive or not.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you - You're very cold.
He's very cold.
- Okay.
Hey, you! Wake up right now if you're not dead! - All right, damn it, Dee.
Stop.
Oh, God.
I think he's dead.
I think he's dead, Dennis.
He's definitely dead.
Why would they put a dead old man with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth? Because you weren't using the room, Dee, and the hospital's very full.
This was not part of my birth plan.
This was not part of my birth plan, sir.
Get the nurse and get him out of here.
Getting the nurse is not gonna do any good.
That woman is stubborn as shit.
- Well, do something 'cause this is upsetting me.
- All right! All right! - It's upsetting the baby.
- I hate all the responsibility that I have that this baby is causing me.
I will get this man out of your room.
I will think of something awesome.
So things got pretty hot and heavy with you and Dee back in the day, correct? - That was over a year ago? - Yeah.
She wasn't very nice to me.
What are we looking at? No contact with Dee after you dated.
- What's the deal here, bud? - Well, no, she contacted me for a while usually when she was drunk.
- Drunken late-night booty calls? - Mm-hmm.
No.
She usually just yells at me calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.
I know she's just drunk, so it's okay.
Not okay.
Not okay at all.
- You gotta stand up for yourself, man.
- So you haven't slept with her? Sometimes she tricks me.
She tricks you? She tricks you how? To give her sex.
She's a very manipulative person.
I'm- I'm sorry.
Are you guys mad at me? - No, man, we're not mad - - No.
- I mean- You know.
- Okay.
- Get a grip, but - - Okay.
- There's a room full of dudes out there, so you might wanna Yeah.
stop crying before you come back out to the party.
Pull it together, because you're a soldier and you should be tougher.
Let's go.
- Thanks, guys.
This is the guy that's defending our country? - Well, he's definitely a candidate.
- Oh, boys.
- The keg has arrived.
- Hey, Frank.
This power outlet is gonna explode, and you're gonna have to deal with that.
- Duncan, go with it, baby.
- Yeah, let's go for it.
Yo, Frank, we gonna set it off, bitch.
What are your bridge friends doing here? You gotta give it the illusion of a party.
It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.
- Are you high on blow? - Whatever Duncan gave me.
- You don't even know what you're high on? - No.
Hey! Yo, Charlie Chuckles, what's crackin', sunshine? Yeah.
- Hey.
L'il Kev.
- Hey, L'il Kev.
And your beer.
Ah.
I'll talk to you guys later.
Okay.
Okay.
What is L'il Kev doing here? You gotta throw out a big net to catch the fish that she was banging.
- Oh.
Oh! - Oh! - Party! - It's a party, yo.
Is that the busboy from the Korean restaurant? Yeah, yeah.
She banged him.
Are you sure we're not taking this Weekend at Bernie's thing too far? - I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous.
- The sunglasses lighten the mood.
Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp.
- Hi.
- Hi, ladies.
Hi.
Yeah.
- Good afternoon.
- Without the sunglasses Weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark.
- Yeah.
Strange movie.
- Strange tale.
Hey there, Mr.
Craig.
Okay.
- The waving thing's awesome, that's true.
- It's pretty sweet, right? What's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or find a laundry chute - Fire him down that? - What? No.
I'm gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.
But that way, somebody could find him and put him back in my room.
That's a good point.
Maybe we can stuff him in a drawer or jam him in a closet.
- That'll buy us some time, right? - Mm-mmm.
Makes me feel like I have to touch him.
I don't wanna touch him at all.
Why don't we just put him in the trash? Please don't put me in the trash.
- Oh! - Oh, are you alive? - Oh, my goodness.
- Whoa.
What is going on here? What are you doing with Mr.
Craig? They're trying to put me in the trash.
- Don't- No.
- You know what? I refuse to share a room with an old man who likes to pretend to be dead.
- He's a liar.
- You are not allowed to move the patients.
- Ooh! - What? What? - Oh, Dennis.
Oh, my God.
- What? - I think I'm having this baby.
- Doctor! Oh! It doesn't feel good.
This sucks.
This sucks a bag of dicks.
- Oh, I'm sure.
- Oh, man! Oh! - Help my sister.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't leave me.
- I don't like it.
- No, I'm coming.
- We got you from here.
We got you.
- I'm coming with you.
You ain't going nowhere.
Get your narrow ass back in that waiting room before I knock you in there.
You have done enough today.
Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing up folk and talking about Thor.
I bet I earned this.
I got you.
Wow.
This whole thing's really setting in now.
Yeah, it's really sinking in, man.
We're gonna have a baby.
This is really cool.
Please don't throw me in the trash.
No one's putting you in the trash.
Stop saying that.
Will you stop? # Everybody's talking all this stuff about me # - Man, I used to have some jean shorts like that too.
I slept in them shits, man.
Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things.
But you can't wear 'em every day and expect for 'em to hold up.
That was some nice-ass denim too.
I miss them shorts.
But you gotta take 'em off every now and then.
You gotta take 'em off, son.
Why are you having sex with her? Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk or a workout turkey.
And after a while, I just kind of cave in.
Wow.
You just - I gotta try that with someone.
- Thanks, Rex.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy the party.
- Thanks, Rex.
She's just berating these guys into having sex with her.
Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.
She's getting way more action than us.
She's stuck on her curse words.
"Jerk" and "turkey" are all that she's using.
Well, clearly they're working for her, 'cause Rex is a quality lay.
Yeah, Re - Well, he's not fit to be a father though.
A father? None of these guys are fit to be fathers.
They're animals.
Even if we do figure out who it is how are we gonna trust this baby with one of these monkeys? They're animals.
They got no self-control.
It takes discipline to raise a kid, you know? - You gotta set rules.
You gotta set ground rules.
- Set some boundaries.
Like don't have 'em doing cocaine.
- Get them off the Internet.
- The Internet's a very, very dangerous place.
Kids spend all their time on the Internet.
"Hi.
Who are you? There's your penis and there's your butt.
" - You gotta learn from some books.
- You don't want 'em reading too many books.
- You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
- You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
- I'm not raising a nerd, bro.
- If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in.
- Nerds get nowhere in life.
- Oh, my God.
Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now.
Right after this we should probably bash nerds.
I gotta get it out of my system.
Bash some nerds.
- Absolutely.
- Get bowed up.
- You gotta teach him how to beat nerds up.
- He's gotta be beating nerds up.
These are good ideas for raising a kid.
We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid.
We are men who can be great dads.
We have great opinions.
And that's all that parenting is - pretending you know what you're talking about and then jamming it down a kid's throat.
Oh, my God.
That's what we're gonna do.
When I see that baby, dude, we're gonna run towards it.
- I'm gonna grab it.
I'm gonna pick him up.
- And jam shit down his throat! - Dude.
- Dude, we're gonna be the dad.
- We're so much better dads than these guys.
- Yeah, look at this.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! I can't wait to tell him.
This is so exciting.
There he is.
Hey, Dennis, Dennis.
We have news.
We have wonderful news.
Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be the father of this child.
Dude, we did a complete 180.
You guys, I did a 180 too.
I totally did.
I was all pissy this morning about having to be at the hospital.
Then I realized I've been firing on all cylinders because of this baby thing.
Dude, I did this Weekend at Bernie's operation earlier that would have blown you guys' minds - it was very effective.
Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off.
It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it.
And I never reference the Nordic gods.
- I don't understand what your point is.
- What are you talking about? I'm saying I wanna be the dad too.
I'm totally into it.
- Okay.
- That steps on our thing a little bit, but - - 'Cause we were doing the Maybe instead of doing a My Two Dads type thing we could fold in another dad and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation.
- That's what it is.
I like that.
- An equally effective movie.
- A great movie.
- Did we miss it? Did we miss it? No.
It was - What's going on? Who are all these people? I couldn't decide who the dad was, so I brought everybody.
You didn't try and decide who the dad was.
You just got high.
Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.
But they all promised to have blood tests.
If this kid is mine, I'm gonna blow my brains out.
Oh, he got zooted, man.
He took an eight-ball to the dome.
No, no, Frank.
Dude, get these guys out of here, all right? - We're gonna be the father of the baby now.
- We're gonna be the fathers.
- It has been decided, so sayeth Thor.
- Thor said it.
- The who? - Thor.
- Who Thor? - Is that your Greek God reference? - He's a Nordic God.
- Nordic God.
I said something else earlier that sounded a lot cooler than that.
That one didn't really work.
Guys, here she comes.
She's coming.
How do we make it a big moment? I wanna make it a big moment.
With music.
Duncan, play something special.
- Frank, I got the perfect thing.
- Okay, great.
- Why do they have the - - I don't know.
# Pray God you can cope # # I'll stand outside # # This woman's work # # This woman's world # # Ooh, it's hard on the man # # Now his part is over # # Now starts the craft # # Of the father # # I know you have a little life in you yet # # I know you have a lot # Carmen? What are you doing here? - I'm here to get my baby.
- What? Oh, yeah.
The tranny's the dad.
Yeah! - You had sex with the tranny? - No.
I was their surrogate.
We used her sperm and a donor egg and then they just kind of - right up there and - We had a difficult time finding a surrogate, but Dee was a miracle to us.
I can't have kids of my own, and Carmen always wanted a baby.
Yeah, yeah.
Great, great.
Miracle for you.
How wonderful.
Dee, you tricked us? - How did I trick you? - We were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad.
We were all keyed up for nothing.
If we knew you were doing this stupid surrogate thing again we would have just completely ignored your pregnancy.
You did ignore my pregnancy.
This has been a huge disappointment for us.
- Why? - We were gonna be great dads.
We were gonna impose our will on the kid.
We had a Three Men and a Baby thing going on.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- I have to admit this whole thing might be for the best.
Those two are gonna make great parents, much better parents than any of us would.
- Don't you think? - Yeah.
I guess.
- A baby would've screwed up our chemistry.
- It might've.
Yeah.
We got a good thing going.
Why blow it with a baby? That being said, don't get knocked up anymore, Dee.
It's getting old.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't enjoy any of it.
So, what I'm confused on is the mother is the father and the father is black - And the baby's not black, so - - It's all been explained.
- Yeah.
- I'll talk you through it later.
Then what is your deal? Do we pop you back in there? Are you done having babies? What's going on? Can you take me to go get a beer? I need a beer.
I could go for a beer.
You guys wanna go back to the bar? - Yeah! - Hey, you guys.
Let's bring the party back to the bar.
Bring the music.
Let's go.
- What the hell's happening back there? - A few buddies came along.
- Don't worry about it, Dee.
- Oh! Let's party in the sewer.
- Oh, yeah, Charlie.
- I'm not going into a sewer.
What is your obsession with the sewer these days? - You find great stuff down there.
- Like what? - Like sewage.
- Ha-ha! Good one, Dee.
She's back, baby.
She's back.
Supposing it's storming and a guy loses his ring - Is this the ring story again? - And it goes into the gutter? You gotta come up with something else, Frank.
You can't keep using the same - Like, give me some crack.
You know what I'm sayin', dawg? We'll get more.