Mom s06e12 Episode Script

1 Who knew a bar could fail? A bar! Yeah, it's too bad we're all sober.
This table alone could turn that place into a gold mine.
Adam's bar hasn't failed; it's just a success waiting to happen.
Yeah, so's your hairstyle.
- Hey, go easy on my roommate.
- Nah, it's okay.
She's mean to me when I'm right.
I don't think Christy would want you eating her fries.
She doesn't care.
Oh, take a peek outside.
(mouthing) I understand.
I'm eating them as fast as I can.
(mouthing) Anyway, Adam sits alone in the bar all day, losing money, then he comes home like a big grump truck and dumps it all on me.
Why don't you go over there and keep him company? Oh, great idea, Marjorie.
You want me angry, frustrated, and sitting in a bar? Beats angry, frustrated, and sitting next to me.
That's what being in a relationship is: showing up for the hard parts.
Boo.
I know what you need.
I know what we all need.
A hug from Dhara.
Is that your horse? - No, that's Zahara.
- Oh.
You got that from Angelina Jolie's daughter.
I had that name first.
Dhara's this incredible spiritual lady from India who flies around the world hugging people.
And when she does, it takes all your problems away.
They call her the Hug Lady.
We had a hug lady in prison.
She did not take all your problems away.
Other than half my lunch, what'd I miss? Nope, no recaps for smokers.
- Oh, come on.
- Look, you keep doing this.
You go out to smoke, and then we got to repeat everything we just talked about.
Some of the things people are saying in here aren't worth hearing the first time.
Give me a hint.
Please? Moving on.
She's having an event in San Francisco tomorrow, and I'm gonna go see her.
Who's she gonna see? Figure it out from context, Smokey.
Well, Jill, how interesting that you're gonna go see the Hug Lady from India who solves all your problems.
So weak.
Something that can solve all my problems without a meeting? I'm in.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you people a sheep.
- I'll go.
- Me, too.
Baa If I commit to this trip to San Francisco, can we ride a cable car? Good Lord.
Come on, Mom, you need a spiritual reboot more than anyone.
And not just at this table.
Anyone.
As much as I'd love to drive two hours to get a hug from a con artist who's covered in germs, I'll pass.
Okay, everybody's in but Bonnie.
Uh, I'm still waiting for confirmation on that cable car.
(Sighs heavily) We can ride the damn cable car.
See that? I hung in there and got my needs met.
I've really learned a lot from your cats.
Hurry up, Christy, I want to get my hug on.
Oh, God, she's gonna get in this car smelling like a ashtray.
One of you come up front so I don't have to suffer.
So two of us should have to suffer instead of one of you? Yeah.
I do not want to walk into a highly spiritual environment wearing a stinky sari.
Why are you wearing a sari? It's called cultural appropriation, Marjorie.
We're all supposed to do it.
I bet it buys me an extra ten seconds of hug time, too.
- Ugh.
- What? You reek.
Oh, come on.
Is it really that bad? ALL: Yes.
I kind of like it, but I feel compelled to support the group.
Why are you wearing a sari? - She was thinking - No recaps for smokers.
Oy, someone needs an extra-long hug.
Well, that's why I wore a sar Oh! How about a karaoke night? People love a karaoke night.
Can't think of anything worse.
- Disco night.
- I was wrong.
- Trivia night.
- What is a horrible idea? None of your suggestions fit what I'm trying to do here.
I have a vision.
I have a vision, too.
It's of an empty bar.
Hey, I got Mike.
Hi, I'm Mike.
Hi, Mike.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Wouldn't your bar experience be brightened with a little karaoke? Come on, Adam, be James Taylor to my Carly Simon.
- Mock - No Ing No Bird No.
Mockingbird now BOTH: Everybody - Have you heard - Uh, have you heard He's gonna buy me - MIKE: He's gonna buy you - A mockingbird - A mockingbird - Look, honey, the whole bar's into it.
- If that mockingbird don't sing - Bird don't sing.
I will cut you off.
I don't want gimmicks, I just want a bar.
But we're in Napa, land of a million wineries.
If you want people to come drink here instead, you need to offer them something different.
I do.
We don't serve wine.
Well, if it's a sports bar, you should at least Again, it's not a sports bar.
It's a bar for people who like sports.
Well, y-you're just saying the same thing with more words.
What does that even mean? It means you can watch the game or not! It's very relaxing.
Well, not right now, but usually.
I'm just trying to help you.
I don't want your help.
Fine, I'm out of here.
First good idea you've had.
I'm glad it's back to just us.
(squeals) I haven't been this excited since Neiman's opened an outlet in Petaluma.
You go to outlets? No.
But it got a lot of riffraff out of my Neiman's.
Tammy, you've got the view.
How far away from the door are we? I'm gonna say about 40 klicks.
I'm gonna Al say I don't know what a "klick" is.
I read on Dhara's website that we'll get more out of our hug if we have a clear intention going in.
That's a good idea.
Why don't we all write them down? What's an intention? Like a wish? No.
Dhara's not a birthday candle.
An intention is more like a focused desire for a positive outcome.
Sounds like a wish.
- Are you trying to copy mine? - No, I'm just stretching.
That's a waste of an intention.
I mean, I can just buy another Audi.
Done.
Is yours to quit smoking? No.
It's for everyone I know to start smoking.
What's yours, Marjorie? I want to release the pain of losing Victor without letting go of my love for him.
ALL: Aw.
That's way more enlightened than better Wi-Fi.
- Skip me.
- Tammy? - Oh, it's dumb.
- Oh, tell us.
(clears throat) Okay, I want to love myself as much as I love you guys.
ALL: Aw.
God, why is everybody's better than mine? Well, no one asked, but my intention is to be seen and heard by Shh, shh! Here comes the guy with the tickets.
How many in your group? Five.
So, it's official? We're all getting hugs? You get a ticket, and if you stay in this line you'll be number 873.
How long is that gonna take? Waiting time from this point is approximately four hours.
Four hours? I'll handle this.
Excuse me Mason.
Thank you for the free ticket.
Um, is there some sort of spiritual fast-pass? Didn't work for the women on The View, it's not gonna work for you.
(mouthing) (ringtone playing) Bonnie, what's going on? I just had a huge fight with Adam.
- What happened? - I went down to the bar and gave him all these great ideas about how to make it a success, and he was all: No, no, no, no.
I mean "It's not my vision.
" So, thanks for your brilliant advice.
Hey, I told you to go there and be with him.
I never said try to fix it.
Oh.
Let him figure it out for himself and just support him.
I said, "Oh.
" He's a wizard.
Gandalf.
He's really old.
Gandalf.
- He has a long, white beard.
- Gandalf.
If it were Gandalf, we'd all say "yay," and this hell would stop.
He's in the Harry Potter books.
- Harry Potter.
- Oh, my God.
Rhymes with "Fumbledore.
" - Bumbledore.
Crumbledore.
- (timer sounds) ALL: Dumbledore! Never heard of him, but this game is fun.
You're wrong about that, too.
I'm gonna go smoke.
All right, my turn.
(clears throat) - Amazing woman who started the - Harriet Tubman.
- Yay! - Yes! Uh, super sexy actor.
- John Malkovich.
- Yes! Incredible.
- Uh, discovered - Galileo! Maybe we should be hugging you.
Okay, final groups going in.
Have your tickets out.
Ah, we're going in.
Have a beautiful experience.
Who has our ticket? - Have a beautiful experience.
- (gasps) Christy.
Have a beautiful experience.
Ticket.
Uh, sorry, we have a bit of a situation here.
The person in our group who has the ticket is just stepped away for a moment.
Well, then, you are not gonna have a beautiful experience.
lHey.
Where is everyone? Inside, getting hugged.
You guys didn't have to wait for me.
Yes, we did.
You have the ticket.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Ugh.
Ah, here it is.
We can go now.
It's too late.
They closed the doors.
Well, maybe if I explain We tried.
And that was before the ushers took off their vests and started playing hacky sack.
Sorry, guys.
Mm-mm.
Batting those big blue eyes is not gonna save you.
I don't know, it's kinda working on me.
Do it again.
Dhara comes once a year, and you ruined it.
- Jill - No.
Ever since she started smoking, all we do is wait for her.
We can't finish a conversation, we can't leave on time, we can't have a once in a lifetime opportunity to achieve inner frickin' peace! I am so, so sorry.
You care more about your damn cigarettes than you do us.
But that's okay.
You go on smoking and we'll go on waiting and waiting and waiting for you.
Let's just cut our losses and go home.
- Cable car.
- Fine, cable car! I know this is bad timing, but can you wait while I go pee? - Oh, my God, I'm gonna - No.
Oh, no, no! Get off get off of me! You come back here! Thanks.
Come again.
(quietly): Please.
You know, there was a time I thought I might do something with my singing voice.
Then I got my girlfriend pregnant.
So, instead I spent the next 30 years climbing telephone poles.
Yeah, that's rough.
I am a lineman for the county And I drive the main road Searching in the sun for the Beautiful voice, what a waste.
Hey, you think Bonnie's right? Should I make some changes to this place? Nah, I like it the way it is.
Don't worry, word's gonna spread.
Who's gonna tell 'em? You're always here.
(sighs) - Hey.
- Uh-oh.
No, it's okay.
I just came to say I was wrong.
This is your place, your vision, and I shouldn't have tried to change it.
I appreciate that.
I'm just gonna sit here, quietly, and support you.
(chuckles) Cool.
Okay, do something, do anything.
Play with your phone.
Okay, fine.
Compass.
You are north of me.
Ooh, I'll check in on Yelp.
"Bonnie P.
is at AJ's Barrelworks.
" You only have one review.
That's me.
Only four stars, Mike? I worried if I gave it five, the place would be packed.
Yeah, we wouldn't want that.
Well, you are about to get a five-star review.
(Siri chimes) AJ's Barrelworks is everything you're looking for in a neighborhood bar.
I dare you to walk into this lovingly restored barrel factory and not want to sit down and have a drink.
There's even a dog, the cutest dog you've ever seen in your life.
The game's on, but it's not on.
And when you're here, the world feels a million miles away.
Huh.
I get it, honey.
Karaoke would totally ruin this place.
Thank you.
You're looking at me like I'm not a part of this.
CHRISTY: You are a terrible person.
You're awful, you're a bad friend, you're selfish, and one of your ears is bigger than the other.
How did I not notice that? That's another thing You never notice anything.
WOMAN (Indian accent): Would you please pass me some toilet paper? Oh, uh Oh, sure.
Thank you.
CHRISTY: Where was I? Oh, yeah, nobody likes you.
Not even Wendy.
Not even Wendy.
(toilet flushes) Oh, my God, it's you.
(exhales) I Can I have a hug? DHARA: Just let me wash my hands first.
Come on, come on! - (TV): Three seconds on the clock.
- Come on.
The snap is good, the ball is down.
- Wide right, he missed it! - (groaning) (laughing): Yeah! As soon as I get another customer, I'm kicking you out.
All right, I've been holding onto this lucky pee for the win.
Now it's just pee.
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly) I've really enjoyed watching you today.
Little creepy, Mike.
Not like that.
It just blew me away how you came back and apologized.
And you, like, meant it.
Yeah, when I'm wrong, I like to own it.
When I'm wrong, I just dig in.
That used to be me.
I would move out of state before I'd admit I was wrong.
Literally spent two years in Tucson to avoid saying, "Maybe you were right.
" Very sunny, bring a hat.
Point is, I started Gog to AA a few years ago.
Now I'm apologizing left and right.
And you know what? It's made my life better.
Wow.
You're sober and your fiancé opened a bar? Yeah, don't get me started.
Well, I got to go.
The wife was pretty steamed when I left.
Wish she was like you and would just say I was right.
- Were you? - No.
You're not gonna drive home, are you? I live across the street.
But you're right, I shouldn't drive.
Yeah, definitely not.
Where'd Mike go? He went home.
He left his keys.
Great, let's sell his car and pay some bills.
It's so weird how we're still standing in line and there isn't even a line anymore.
I hope Christy's okay.
Of course she's okay.
She's smoking.
And I'm gonna tell her she can go get home on the bus.
Jill, calm down.
When has saying that ever worked? Be taller, Wendy! Christy! Hello, Jill.
(gasps) You got hugged! Yeah.
How the hell did that happen?! I gave her toilet paper.
(screaming) Okay, that thing's really on there.
Okay, so how was it? Honestly, it was kinda life-changing.
You could've downplayed it a little.
I did.
For one solid minute, Dhara gave me her full attention and it made me feel so valued.
Well, yippee for you.
It made me realize I haven't been giving you guys the attention you deserve.
I'm inconsiderate, I'm always late, and even when I am with you, my head's in a different place.
That's exactly what I've been saying.
Jill, you came here for a hug and you're gonna get one.
For the next minute, it's just you and me.
But you're just a regular person.
- What's that gonna do? - Come here.
(groans) Okay, this is weird.
Oh, well, it's not terrible.
(exhales) It's actually kinda nice.
Something's happening.
I love you, Christy.
(sniffles) I think I love everybody.
Oh, God, now now I remember what my intention was.
I just really wanted a hug.
(sniffles) Have you ever noticed anything strange about my ears? (sniffles) The big one or the little one? - Hey.
- Hey, this is a surprise.
Christy's been in such a happy spiritual place lately, I had to get away from her.
Well, don't worry, no happy people here.
Even Mike stopped coming.
I actually saw Mike today.
- Yeah, where? - My AA meeting.
Seriously? Yeah.
Evidently something I said rang true.
Nice work, Johnny Applesober.
This place is cool.
Hey, welcome.
Keep your mouth shut.
Hi, we read about you on Yelp.
Where's the dog? Oh, he's around here somewhere.
Gus? (whoops) - Turn on the charm, boy.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! Hi, baby.
What are you drinking? This is our third day in Napa.
Anything but wine.
Honey, they get it.