Parks and Recreation s06e12 Episode Script
Farmers Market
I've got to say that this report is quite impressive, Miss Knope.
Thank you very much, Mr.
City Manager.
And I have to say that the way that you're rockin' those slacks is quite impressive as well.
Well, thank you.
- Can we hurry this up, please? - What? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fantastic work of one of your employees, especially if she's adorable.
I am back at the parks department, and Ben is city manager, but we're married, so it's kosher.
And awesome.
We live together - And work together.
- And we are so In sync That we finish each other's Sentences! We rehearsed that at home.
Naked in bed.
- What! - What! Please stamp the form.
I just want to admire it one more time.
Again, fantastic work.
In fact, such good work I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, my God, that's great news, 'cause I'm in love with you too.
- What? - What? Stamp the form.
Okay, let's not let Ron feel left out.
We love you too, Ron.
- Stamp the damn form.
- Group hug! Oh, I'm down for a group hug.
- Little G.
H.
- Bring it in.
Come o-- Wow.
I think our love made him angry.
I think he broke my wrist.
I'm not kidding.
Really? Good morning, Ann Perkins.
How are you feeling today? Perfect.
Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill.
Whales don't have feet.
I am a crazy shape.
This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin.
Did I mention that my feet kill me all the time? Oh! Let me rub them.
Oh, wait.
No.
I read something on raddadsolutions.
net that there's a pressure point in the foot that could induce labor.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I don't care.
I'm gonna go choke down those horse pills I have to take every day.
Oh, no, no, I'll cut them in half for you.
And I will pour you a glass of flaxseed milk to wash it down.
Everything is amazing.
Today is perfect, and I love you.
Chris is so wonderful and thoughtful and positive.
He's driving me up the wall.
Smoothie's ready! Opening this farmers market was one of my greatest achievements as city councilor.
It's good for the economy, it's good for families, and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle, which Pawnee desperately needs.
Look at this tiny tree.
Can you eat this? Aww.
This one's dead.
Hey, Connie Cabbage.
What's good today? Green cabbage is always a safe bet.
Red cabbage is good.
I mean, you can't go wrong.
That's the fun thing about cabbage.
One of the fun things.
Oh! Time to crank this market up a notch, y'all! "Chardbodies: Get a chard on"? Let's get "re-charded" in here! - What the hell is going on? - Oh, yeah.
That's the new chard stand.
I suppose that's one way to sell vegetables.
We got Swiss chard, we got white chard, we got chard poppers! And for all you freaky vegans out there We got chard shots! Yeah! Mmm, chard is so bitter.
Ben, do something.
What do you want me to do? Well, you're the city manager.
Kick them out.
They're violating every single one of the farmers market's rules of conduct.
By "rules of conduct," do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, "Peas be kind to others"? Yes, and "In case of fire, romaine calm," and "You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are.
" I don't like vegetables, but I'm very good at vegetable puns.
Okay, I admit this is a little iffy, but - A little iffy? - I can't do anything until I check the rules for city vendors.
Cabbage! Come andget it.
Connie, no.
Put those away.
April's sitting on my lap I shouldn't tell her that I gotta take a crap oh, no - Don't.
- I should just go Oh, my God.
You play guitar? No, that's a super small piano.
Okay, I'm gonna need the sarcasm to take a long walk right now.
My terrible nephew Sebastian is having his sixth birthday party this weekend, and the clown they hired has shingles.
You think your band could play for an hour? - How much? - 75.
$75,000? How about 300? $300,000? - 150.
- They'll do it.
Ah, thank you.
That is such a relief.
I love my nephew very much, but he's a horrible little tyrant, so don't ruin this day for him! Split that four ways, boom.
$600.
I'll say it again: The men's room needs a separate dispenser for face wash.
I can't wash my face with hand soap.
Look at these pores.
They're gaping.
- Hey, guys.
- Time-out.
Let's take a brief recess.
Can we help you, Ann? I was looking for Leslie, but now I'm curious why you guys are sitting around doing nothing and getting drunk at work.
It's the whine & cheese club, gorgeous.
It's a monthly gathering where we all get together and vent about what annoys us at work.
Over fine wines and cheeses, of course.
Larry, salami! The human resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees.
The rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.
And Kyle parked his car in my spot again.
Now, that is the fourth time this month.
Hello, walls - Hello - Hello how'd things go for you today? I just want to choke him until he passes out.
- Time.
- This looks like fun.
I want to try.
Mm, there's rules to this, sweet pea.
It's Donna's turn next.
I'll cede my time to Ann.
I have a feeling this is gonna be good.
Okay, well, I'm not gonna talk for long, 'cause I have to pee again, 'cause I have to pee every six minutes, 'cause I have a beach ball in my stomach that's punching on my bladder.
That sucks.
I know.
And I'm never not hungry.
- Oh, well, have some cheese.
- I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either.
I can't have anything good.
You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed.
But I don't want that.
You know what I want? Pork rinds.
I want jelly beans.
And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes.
I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns.
I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes? Time.
Yikes.
Okay, Harrison Ford movie night.
Before we do that, I was thinking more about that chard guy.
I mean, it would be very easy for you to revoke their license.
Okay, Leslie, this is city business, and I'm not an emperor.
I can't just kick them out for no reason.
The reason is it's vegetable porn.
Porn on the cob.
I'm sorry.
I'm just very good at that.
Look, I am not a prude, but the point is, people shouldn't be half naked, you know, in public, in the middle of the day, in front of children.
There's your reason.
Kick them out.
Look, now that we're working together again, maybe it would be good to keep our home life and our work life separate.
Like we only talk about work stuff when we're at city hall, like a firewall system.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
That's smart.
Home is home, and work is work.
We can always talk about this tomorrow at the office.
Good.
Glad you agree.
All right.
Crystal Skull it is.
No, it's ridiculous to think that you could survive a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator.
- Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh.
- But still, it's like-- Okay, so I found a legal precedent to shut down those vegetable smut peddlers.
What is happening? Firewall, man.
We pulled into the parking lot, and this is technically city hall property, so now we're at work-- let's do this.
The farmers market is a community meeting place, and that pan-sexual stripper show basically negates the whole purpose.
So if you're looking for a reason to kick them out, here's 158.
The new farmers market rule book.
Okay, when did you make this? I stayed up all night.
I also made these-- Leslie's toffee surprise.
The surprise is there's toffee in the inside.
You can eat those once you revoke the chard vendor's license.
Good day, colleague.
Okay.
Ann Perkins! How are you feeling? You don't want to know.
It's all I want to know.
All right, man, you asked for it.
I have shooting pains that go all the way up from my butt to my neck.
My stomach has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like an old-fashioned globe.
My boobs are getting really sore.
Also, I just read Brooke Shields' book on post-partum depression.
Now I have pre-post-partum depression anxiety.
Well, never fear.
I will get you Tylenol for your pain and shea butter for your belly.
And your voluptuous figure only means your body is working exactly as nature intended it.
There, it's all good.
Is that better? Yeah.
Thanks.
I've been reading up on nipples.
The reason that you're feeling nipple sensitivity is because your milk ducts in your nipples are opening up, which is why I bought you this nipple kit.
It's from Kernsten's-- the nipple people.
It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.
Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word "nipple.
" Okay.
Anyway.
Hopefully that will help you with any sensitivity that may arise around your boob hats.
Larry, get in there! Come on! What do--I don't even know what we're doing.
What is the meaning of this, nurse? Emergency whine & cheese club.
Put your headphones on, Ron.
I have a lot of complaints.
Sit down.
I need to vent.
And do not under any circumstances respond to anything I say.
All right.
Let's talk about vomit, kids.
I do it all day long.
Super fun it feels super good I wanna do it all the time sex is cool Okay, Sex Is Cool.
Got that.
I say we finish on Drunk Off Our Asses.
And I think we should do Sex in Space.
It's 20 minutes long, but it's really good.
Babe, I don't think you should play any of those songs for a group of six-year-olds.
Whoa, wait-- six-year-olds? Did you book us a gig at a kids' party? You said we were playing at a festival.
You said Dave Grohl might be there.
Dave Grohl might be there.
I don't know.
He might be anywhere.
The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.
No, no, I'm not playing for a bunch of screaming kids.
Mouse Rat is a rock band.
We're not the Wiggles.
Come on! I'm sick of all the drama with this band.
I-I quit.
I'm going back to rabbinical school.
Umbilical school? Rivers, come back.
Rivers, don't do this.
Hey! Shaq might be there! Hey, did you get a chance to sign off on that booklet I gave you? Well, I read it, but it seems like your farmers market rules may be specifically targeting chardbodies.
What? How? "No visible cleavage.
"No strobe lights.
No chard-related innuendo.
" Those apply to all vendors.
Either way, it's too late.
The train has left the station.
Okay, what train, from which station? - You're revoking my license? - Oh, boy.
Yes, Nolan, under the auspices of the office of city manager, et cetera, et cetera, it's not important, you are in violation of many rules, and therefore you cannot sell your goods anymore at the Pawnee farmers market.
Ben, back me up on this without hesitation.
Nolan, can I have a second to speak with my w-- with Ms.
Knope for a second? Look, chard is disgusting.
You try selling it without sexy dancers.
It's impossible.
It's like, "Hey, you like lettuce? "Try this.
It's worse.
It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach.
" I like to think of it as celery with B.
O.
But if it's so gross, you should just sell something else.
I inherited this farm from my dad.
It's all I have.
Plus, the other vendors want me there.
I'm good for business.
We're not revoking your license.
For now.
I am sorry you had to come in.
Judas! I don't appreciate being ambushed, Leslie.
- Let's just go home.
- No.
I know what you're trying to do.
If we go home, the firewall is up, and then you don't have to deal with me anymore.
Instead, fellow employee, I will meet you in the basement conference room at 6:00 P.
M.
, and we will solve this chard issue once and for all.
Don't forget your approval pen.
What? There's no such thing.
Yes, there is.
I made it for you last night.
Ugh, and Lamaze class, wait till I tell you about that Ponzi scheme.
Ugh.
Oh, hey, Donna, what the hell? You know I can't be around smoke or fatty tuna.
Ron-- At first, this was funny, but it's gotten out of hand.
This was our chance to vent about work, and you've taken it over.
Yeah! It's sushi and cigar club now.
Wow.
Okay.
I see how it is.
I feel bad.
I don't.
This is a Cuban.
This is yellowtail.
I feel amazing.
Whoa! Monster in the window! You know what my biggest complaint is? I have a million things I need to complain about, and I can't take them home because Chris is the most considerate person in the world, and he just wants to help me, and then I feel bad about that, and then I get annoyed that he wants to help me, and I feel even worse about that! I thought you guys would be cool with me complaining 'cause it's all you do, is sit here and complain without judgment or guilt.
But you know what? I guess I was wrong.
And you know what? I would yell some more, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit.
What's happening now? Is the nurse upset? I don't care.
Okay, 6:00.
Let's do this.
Larry? Mm.
Hey, Leslie.
Ben couldn't make it, so he asked me to read you this.
"Dear honey--" Oh, how sweet.
- Read.
- Oh.
"Sorry, but I think we just need to take a break "from this work issue.
"Please don't grind your teeth too hard "when you hear this.
I will see you in the car.
I love you.
" Oh, that is so sweet that you still write love letters to-- What the hell are you doing out here? Sorry, babe.
I am off city hall property.
You have to stop.
Firewall.
Wrong.
All roads and bridges fall under the purview of the Pawnee department of transportation, which is located on the fourth floor of city hall.
Firewall down.
Stay frosty, Wyatt.
We're just getting started.
Okay, well, that's interesting.
You know why? - Why? - Because-- Mother-- Ha-ha! Bank! Private property.
Firewall restored! Ha-ha-ha! The concrete that you're standing on was poured by a municipal construction crew.
Private fountain, private property.
I'm safe.
Guess where the water comes from.
The Pawnee reservoir.
You can't escape city hall, fool! Let's dance.
Hey, friends.
I'm just about to go on my night jog.
Would you like to join me? Mm, hard pass.
We're here because you need to tend to your woman.
She's complaining about everything, ruining whine & cheese club.
I literally have Why is Ron wearing headphones? What's whine & cheese club? And what is Ann complaining about? You, mostly-- how you never let her vent because you're always too busy trying to solve everything for her.
She's upset that I'm trying to help her? You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher-- trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are! Why are you yelling? Tom put all my records into this rectangle! Hey, man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself.
What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
"That sucks.
" "That sucks"? I spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me.
When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it.
Just say, "Damn, that sucks.
" The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle! Okay, this is insane.
It is 40 degrees, and we are standing in freezing water.
No, this is our motivation.
We are not leaving this fountain until we've figured this out once and for all.
Fine.
Why are you not supporting me on this? I thought you agreed with me.
I do, as a person, but as city manager, I'm not 100% sure you have a case.
You're not listening to my side.
I mean, sometimes when we disagree, you're so passionate, I feel like I'm arguing with the sun.
What? That is totally crazy! I am super chill all the time! Look, let's just admit it.
We're in a weird position.
We're married.
Our professional status has flipped, like, five times.
I mean, now I'm your boss.
This is "un-charded" territory for us.
Oh, that's nice.
Thanks.
I learned from the best.
The point is, forget firewalls.
Let's just be respectful and communicate, and we'll find the right balance.
You're right.
I should have considered your side.
I love you, and you're also a very smart person.
Let's get out of this fountain.
I can't because my legs are numb.
Yeah, I can't move.
Are we gonna die here? Yeah.
No, don't do that.
I don't like this game.
I don't know what the rules are! Okay, babe, here's what I did.
Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song.
I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to You got sex bears you got 'em from me, kids sex bears big ol' sex bears Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.
Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap.
Now what the hell am I supposed to sing? It's time, Andrew.
These kids are tearing my house apart, and I need you to calm them with the power of song.
Oh, gosh, here's the thing-- I can't do it.
I got laryngitis.
You will not bail on me, Andrew Dwyer.
You will perform.
My nephew is something of an outcast in his school, and I got Erica Swarvane to come, which is a huge get.
She rules the first grade.
And this party will determine his social status for the next hundred years! So you better get out there, or I am going to lose it! Have you not lost it? Oh, you don't even know! Babe, I'm freaking out.
Listen to me.
You make up songs all the time off the top of your head.
You do.
You can do this, and afterwards, we can have cake.
I already had cake.
Andy! Okay, focus up, you little monsters! Not you, Erica.
You're an angel, and we're thrilled you're here.
Now, is everyone ready to hear the best music you've ever heard in your miserable little lives? No! Okay, then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-- what even do you call yourself? - Yeah, I-- - Oh, it's too late! Please welcome Johnny Karate and his magical guitar stick! Uh It feels super good it's super fun I wanna do it all the time pick your nose 'Cause boogers are gross clean out your snout You can pick your nose with your smelly toes Ew! He's doing it! You're picking your nose, and you put it on your friend! Ha-ha, I started that.
Great! Everybody pees the bed just something that we do I for instance peed the bed until I was 32 Ew! Don't play with matches they're really not safe your parents keep 'em in a drawer with twist ties and batteries My name is Bert Macklin.
I investigate stinky feet for the FBI.
Stinky feet patrol stinky feet patrol Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! This is so fun.
I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.
Oh, hey.
How was your day? It was okay.
Now my legs really hurt.
It's like I have a tension headache, but in my calves.
A new surprise every day.
That sucks.
I know.
And I'm so gassy.
There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking this morning.
That really sucks.
Yeah.
It does.
Thanks.
I'm sorry that I was trying to fix all your problems.
Oh, God, don't apologize.
I'm sorry I was such a freak.
You're the nicest, most thoughtful baby daddy a girl could ask for.
That was incredible.
You are overflowing with talent, and I admire you.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
- Mr.
Karate? - Mr.
Karate! My son wants you to sing at his birthday party next weekend.
- Are you available? - He is, but it's actually $250 for short notice.
You can call this number and ask for April Karate.
Yes, I will.
- Babe - Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
I kind of think you can make a career out of this.
But, I mean, I don't know.
W-what does that make me-- a kids' performer? I'm supposed to be a rock star.
You just had fun in there and made $150.
Who cares about what you were supposed to be? - Yeah.
- Plus, you have never been sexier to me than when you were singing to those kids just now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, that's weird.
Nolan, I'm very sorry that I overreacted and overstepped my bounds.
I understand.
When I got into the chard game, I knew I'd ruffle some feathers.
Sure.
I'm just glad that we could all come to an agreement.
All right, everybody, it is now 5:00 P.
M.
, which means the farmers market is closed.
And farmers market after dark is open for business! Well, if this is the way people want to buy their produce, so be it.
This town is full of lunatics.
Ugh! Oh, my God, this was a terrible idea.
Yeah, it's like a tree barfed in my mouth.
Bleh.
Thank you very much, Mr.
City Manager.
And I have to say that the way that you're rockin' those slacks is quite impressive as well.
Well, thank you.
- Can we hurry this up, please? - What? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fantastic work of one of your employees, especially if she's adorable.
I am back at the parks department, and Ben is city manager, but we're married, so it's kosher.
And awesome.
We live together - And work together.
- And we are so In sync That we finish each other's Sentences! We rehearsed that at home.
Naked in bed.
- What! - What! Please stamp the form.
I just want to admire it one more time.
Again, fantastic work.
In fact, such good work I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, my God, that's great news, 'cause I'm in love with you too.
- What? - What? Stamp the form.
Okay, let's not let Ron feel left out.
We love you too, Ron.
- Stamp the damn form.
- Group hug! Oh, I'm down for a group hug.
- Little G.
H.
- Bring it in.
Come o-- Wow.
I think our love made him angry.
I think he broke my wrist.
I'm not kidding.
Really? Good morning, Ann Perkins.
How are you feeling today? Perfect.
Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill.
Whales don't have feet.
I am a crazy shape.
This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin.
Did I mention that my feet kill me all the time? Oh! Let me rub them.
Oh, wait.
No.
I read something on raddadsolutions.
net that there's a pressure point in the foot that could induce labor.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I don't care.
I'm gonna go choke down those horse pills I have to take every day.
Oh, no, no, I'll cut them in half for you.
And I will pour you a glass of flaxseed milk to wash it down.
Everything is amazing.
Today is perfect, and I love you.
Chris is so wonderful and thoughtful and positive.
He's driving me up the wall.
Smoothie's ready! Opening this farmers market was one of my greatest achievements as city councilor.
It's good for the economy, it's good for families, and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle, which Pawnee desperately needs.
Look at this tiny tree.
Can you eat this? Aww.
This one's dead.
Hey, Connie Cabbage.
What's good today? Green cabbage is always a safe bet.
Red cabbage is good.
I mean, you can't go wrong.
That's the fun thing about cabbage.
One of the fun things.
Oh! Time to crank this market up a notch, y'all! "Chardbodies: Get a chard on"? Let's get "re-charded" in here! - What the hell is going on? - Oh, yeah.
That's the new chard stand.
I suppose that's one way to sell vegetables.
We got Swiss chard, we got white chard, we got chard poppers! And for all you freaky vegans out there We got chard shots! Yeah! Mmm, chard is so bitter.
Ben, do something.
What do you want me to do? Well, you're the city manager.
Kick them out.
They're violating every single one of the farmers market's rules of conduct.
By "rules of conduct," do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, "Peas be kind to others"? Yes, and "In case of fire, romaine calm," and "You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are.
" I don't like vegetables, but I'm very good at vegetable puns.
Okay, I admit this is a little iffy, but - A little iffy? - I can't do anything until I check the rules for city vendors.
Cabbage! Come andget it.
Connie, no.
Put those away.
April's sitting on my lap I shouldn't tell her that I gotta take a crap oh, no - Don't.
- I should just go Oh, my God.
You play guitar? No, that's a super small piano.
Okay, I'm gonna need the sarcasm to take a long walk right now.
My terrible nephew Sebastian is having his sixth birthday party this weekend, and the clown they hired has shingles.
You think your band could play for an hour? - How much? - 75.
$75,000? How about 300? $300,000? - 150.
- They'll do it.
Ah, thank you.
That is such a relief.
I love my nephew very much, but he's a horrible little tyrant, so don't ruin this day for him! Split that four ways, boom.
$600.
I'll say it again: The men's room needs a separate dispenser for face wash.
I can't wash my face with hand soap.
Look at these pores.
They're gaping.
- Hey, guys.
- Time-out.
Let's take a brief recess.
Can we help you, Ann? I was looking for Leslie, but now I'm curious why you guys are sitting around doing nothing and getting drunk at work.
It's the whine & cheese club, gorgeous.
It's a monthly gathering where we all get together and vent about what annoys us at work.
Over fine wines and cheeses, of course.
Larry, salami! The human resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees.
The rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.
And Kyle parked his car in my spot again.
Now, that is the fourth time this month.
Hello, walls - Hello - Hello how'd things go for you today? I just want to choke him until he passes out.
- Time.
- This looks like fun.
I want to try.
Mm, there's rules to this, sweet pea.
It's Donna's turn next.
I'll cede my time to Ann.
I have a feeling this is gonna be good.
Okay, well, I'm not gonna talk for long, 'cause I have to pee again, 'cause I have to pee every six minutes, 'cause I have a beach ball in my stomach that's punching on my bladder.
That sucks.
I know.
And I'm never not hungry.
- Oh, well, have some cheese.
- I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either.
I can't have anything good.
You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed.
But I don't want that.
You know what I want? Pork rinds.
I want jelly beans.
And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes.
I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns.
I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes? Time.
Yikes.
Okay, Harrison Ford movie night.
Before we do that, I was thinking more about that chard guy.
I mean, it would be very easy for you to revoke their license.
Okay, Leslie, this is city business, and I'm not an emperor.
I can't just kick them out for no reason.
The reason is it's vegetable porn.
Porn on the cob.
I'm sorry.
I'm just very good at that.
Look, I am not a prude, but the point is, people shouldn't be half naked, you know, in public, in the middle of the day, in front of children.
There's your reason.
Kick them out.
Look, now that we're working together again, maybe it would be good to keep our home life and our work life separate.
Like we only talk about work stuff when we're at city hall, like a firewall system.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
That's smart.
Home is home, and work is work.
We can always talk about this tomorrow at the office.
Good.
Glad you agree.
All right.
Crystal Skull it is.
No, it's ridiculous to think that you could survive a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator.
- Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh.
- But still, it's like-- Okay, so I found a legal precedent to shut down those vegetable smut peddlers.
What is happening? Firewall, man.
We pulled into the parking lot, and this is technically city hall property, so now we're at work-- let's do this.
The farmers market is a community meeting place, and that pan-sexual stripper show basically negates the whole purpose.
So if you're looking for a reason to kick them out, here's 158.
The new farmers market rule book.
Okay, when did you make this? I stayed up all night.
I also made these-- Leslie's toffee surprise.
The surprise is there's toffee in the inside.
You can eat those once you revoke the chard vendor's license.
Good day, colleague.
Okay.
Ann Perkins! How are you feeling? You don't want to know.
It's all I want to know.
All right, man, you asked for it.
I have shooting pains that go all the way up from my butt to my neck.
My stomach has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like an old-fashioned globe.
My boobs are getting really sore.
Also, I just read Brooke Shields' book on post-partum depression.
Now I have pre-post-partum depression anxiety.
Well, never fear.
I will get you Tylenol for your pain and shea butter for your belly.
And your voluptuous figure only means your body is working exactly as nature intended it.
There, it's all good.
Is that better? Yeah.
Thanks.
I've been reading up on nipples.
The reason that you're feeling nipple sensitivity is because your milk ducts in your nipples are opening up, which is why I bought you this nipple kit.
It's from Kernsten's-- the nipple people.
It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.
Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word "nipple.
" Okay.
Anyway.
Hopefully that will help you with any sensitivity that may arise around your boob hats.
Larry, get in there! Come on! What do--I don't even know what we're doing.
What is the meaning of this, nurse? Emergency whine & cheese club.
Put your headphones on, Ron.
I have a lot of complaints.
Sit down.
I need to vent.
And do not under any circumstances respond to anything I say.
All right.
Let's talk about vomit, kids.
I do it all day long.
Super fun it feels super good I wanna do it all the time sex is cool Okay, Sex Is Cool.
Got that.
I say we finish on Drunk Off Our Asses.
And I think we should do Sex in Space.
It's 20 minutes long, but it's really good.
Babe, I don't think you should play any of those songs for a group of six-year-olds.
Whoa, wait-- six-year-olds? Did you book us a gig at a kids' party? You said we were playing at a festival.
You said Dave Grohl might be there.
Dave Grohl might be there.
I don't know.
He might be anywhere.
The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.
No, no, I'm not playing for a bunch of screaming kids.
Mouse Rat is a rock band.
We're not the Wiggles.
Come on! I'm sick of all the drama with this band.
I-I quit.
I'm going back to rabbinical school.
Umbilical school? Rivers, come back.
Rivers, don't do this.
Hey! Shaq might be there! Hey, did you get a chance to sign off on that booklet I gave you? Well, I read it, but it seems like your farmers market rules may be specifically targeting chardbodies.
What? How? "No visible cleavage.
"No strobe lights.
No chard-related innuendo.
" Those apply to all vendors.
Either way, it's too late.
The train has left the station.
Okay, what train, from which station? - You're revoking my license? - Oh, boy.
Yes, Nolan, under the auspices of the office of city manager, et cetera, et cetera, it's not important, you are in violation of many rules, and therefore you cannot sell your goods anymore at the Pawnee farmers market.
Ben, back me up on this without hesitation.
Nolan, can I have a second to speak with my w-- with Ms.
Knope for a second? Look, chard is disgusting.
You try selling it without sexy dancers.
It's impossible.
It's like, "Hey, you like lettuce? "Try this.
It's worse.
It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach.
" I like to think of it as celery with B.
O.
But if it's so gross, you should just sell something else.
I inherited this farm from my dad.
It's all I have.
Plus, the other vendors want me there.
I'm good for business.
We're not revoking your license.
For now.
I am sorry you had to come in.
Judas! I don't appreciate being ambushed, Leslie.
- Let's just go home.
- No.
I know what you're trying to do.
If we go home, the firewall is up, and then you don't have to deal with me anymore.
Instead, fellow employee, I will meet you in the basement conference room at 6:00 P.
M.
, and we will solve this chard issue once and for all.
Don't forget your approval pen.
What? There's no such thing.
Yes, there is.
I made it for you last night.
Ugh, and Lamaze class, wait till I tell you about that Ponzi scheme.
Ugh.
Oh, hey, Donna, what the hell? You know I can't be around smoke or fatty tuna.
Ron-- At first, this was funny, but it's gotten out of hand.
This was our chance to vent about work, and you've taken it over.
Yeah! It's sushi and cigar club now.
Wow.
Okay.
I see how it is.
I feel bad.
I don't.
This is a Cuban.
This is yellowtail.
I feel amazing.
Whoa! Monster in the window! You know what my biggest complaint is? I have a million things I need to complain about, and I can't take them home because Chris is the most considerate person in the world, and he just wants to help me, and then I feel bad about that, and then I get annoyed that he wants to help me, and I feel even worse about that! I thought you guys would be cool with me complaining 'cause it's all you do, is sit here and complain without judgment or guilt.
But you know what? I guess I was wrong.
And you know what? I would yell some more, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit.
What's happening now? Is the nurse upset? I don't care.
Okay, 6:00.
Let's do this.
Larry? Mm.
Hey, Leslie.
Ben couldn't make it, so he asked me to read you this.
"Dear honey--" Oh, how sweet.
- Read.
- Oh.
"Sorry, but I think we just need to take a break "from this work issue.
"Please don't grind your teeth too hard "when you hear this.
I will see you in the car.
I love you.
" Oh, that is so sweet that you still write love letters to-- What the hell are you doing out here? Sorry, babe.
I am off city hall property.
You have to stop.
Firewall.
Wrong.
All roads and bridges fall under the purview of the Pawnee department of transportation, which is located on the fourth floor of city hall.
Firewall down.
Stay frosty, Wyatt.
We're just getting started.
Okay, well, that's interesting.
You know why? - Why? - Because-- Mother-- Ha-ha! Bank! Private property.
Firewall restored! Ha-ha-ha! The concrete that you're standing on was poured by a municipal construction crew.
Private fountain, private property.
I'm safe.
Guess where the water comes from.
The Pawnee reservoir.
You can't escape city hall, fool! Let's dance.
Hey, friends.
I'm just about to go on my night jog.
Would you like to join me? Mm, hard pass.
We're here because you need to tend to your woman.
She's complaining about everything, ruining whine & cheese club.
I literally have Why is Ron wearing headphones? What's whine & cheese club? And what is Ann complaining about? You, mostly-- how you never let her vent because you're always too busy trying to solve everything for her.
She's upset that I'm trying to help her? You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher-- trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are! Why are you yelling? Tom put all my records into this rectangle! Hey, man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself.
What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
"That sucks.
" "That sucks"? I spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me.
When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it.
Just say, "Damn, that sucks.
" The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle! Okay, this is insane.
It is 40 degrees, and we are standing in freezing water.
No, this is our motivation.
We are not leaving this fountain until we've figured this out once and for all.
Fine.
Why are you not supporting me on this? I thought you agreed with me.
I do, as a person, but as city manager, I'm not 100% sure you have a case.
You're not listening to my side.
I mean, sometimes when we disagree, you're so passionate, I feel like I'm arguing with the sun.
What? That is totally crazy! I am super chill all the time! Look, let's just admit it.
We're in a weird position.
We're married.
Our professional status has flipped, like, five times.
I mean, now I'm your boss.
This is "un-charded" territory for us.
Oh, that's nice.
Thanks.
I learned from the best.
The point is, forget firewalls.
Let's just be respectful and communicate, and we'll find the right balance.
You're right.
I should have considered your side.
I love you, and you're also a very smart person.
Let's get out of this fountain.
I can't because my legs are numb.
Yeah, I can't move.
Are we gonna die here? Yeah.
No, don't do that.
I don't like this game.
I don't know what the rules are! Okay, babe, here's what I did.
Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song.
I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to You got sex bears you got 'em from me, kids sex bears big ol' sex bears Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.
Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap.
Now what the hell am I supposed to sing? It's time, Andrew.
These kids are tearing my house apart, and I need you to calm them with the power of song.
Oh, gosh, here's the thing-- I can't do it.
I got laryngitis.
You will not bail on me, Andrew Dwyer.
You will perform.
My nephew is something of an outcast in his school, and I got Erica Swarvane to come, which is a huge get.
She rules the first grade.
And this party will determine his social status for the next hundred years! So you better get out there, or I am going to lose it! Have you not lost it? Oh, you don't even know! Babe, I'm freaking out.
Listen to me.
You make up songs all the time off the top of your head.
You do.
You can do this, and afterwards, we can have cake.
I already had cake.
Andy! Okay, focus up, you little monsters! Not you, Erica.
You're an angel, and we're thrilled you're here.
Now, is everyone ready to hear the best music you've ever heard in your miserable little lives? No! Okay, then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-- what even do you call yourself? - Yeah, I-- - Oh, it's too late! Please welcome Johnny Karate and his magical guitar stick! Uh It feels super good it's super fun I wanna do it all the time pick your nose 'Cause boogers are gross clean out your snout You can pick your nose with your smelly toes Ew! He's doing it! You're picking your nose, and you put it on your friend! Ha-ha, I started that.
Great! Everybody pees the bed just something that we do I for instance peed the bed until I was 32 Ew! Don't play with matches they're really not safe your parents keep 'em in a drawer with twist ties and batteries My name is Bert Macklin.
I investigate stinky feet for the FBI.
Stinky feet patrol stinky feet patrol Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! This is so fun.
I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.
Oh, hey.
How was your day? It was okay.
Now my legs really hurt.
It's like I have a tension headache, but in my calves.
A new surprise every day.
That sucks.
I know.
And I'm so gassy.
There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking this morning.
That really sucks.
Yeah.
It does.
Thanks.
I'm sorry that I was trying to fix all your problems.
Oh, God, don't apologize.
I'm sorry I was such a freak.
You're the nicest, most thoughtful baby daddy a girl could ask for.
That was incredible.
You are overflowing with talent, and I admire you.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
- Mr.
Karate? - Mr.
Karate! My son wants you to sing at his birthday party next weekend.
- Are you available? - He is, but it's actually $250 for short notice.
You can call this number and ask for April Karate.
Yes, I will.
- Babe - Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
I kind of think you can make a career out of this.
But, I mean, I don't know.
W-what does that make me-- a kids' performer? I'm supposed to be a rock star.
You just had fun in there and made $150.
Who cares about what you were supposed to be? - Yeah.
- Plus, you have never been sexier to me than when you were singing to those kids just now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, that's weird.
Nolan, I'm very sorry that I overreacted and overstepped my bounds.
I understand.
When I got into the chard game, I knew I'd ruffle some feathers.
Sure.
I'm just glad that we could all come to an agreement.
All right, everybody, it is now 5:00 P.
M.
, which means the farmers market is closed.
And farmers market after dark is open for business! Well, if this is the way people want to buy their produce, so be it.
This town is full of lunatics.
Ugh! Oh, my God, this was a terrible idea.
Yeah, it's like a tree barfed in my mouth.
Bleh.