Reno 911! (2003) s06e12 Episode Script

Dangle: good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't tell you how pleased I am to be here Making this mandatory public apology.
The Reno sheriff's department made a humdinger of a goof.
Bob Heron here was wrongfully convicted As the dumpster rapist.
So it is my pleasure to present to you Mr.
Bob Heron- Not the dumpster rapist at all-Just a guy, Just a guy who spent Mr.
Bob Heron, everybody.
Yeah! Not a rapist.
Not a rapist Jones: our bad.
Junior: our bad.
Bobby? Aah! Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh! [Coughs.]
They all have guns! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together? Sheriff's department.
I need your bike! Oh, god! [Sirens approaching.]
[Fires two shots, empty gun clicks.]
Uh! Uh! Boss, boss, you're over the line.
Aah! MTV networks Good morning, everybody.
Weigel: good morning.
Dangle: hey! Terrific news.
Uh, let's all congratulate him.
Jack Declan has completed his 16 hours of mandatory anger management training.
[Scattered applause.]
Declan: can I tell you something? If you ever end up having to deal with those fucking numb-nut fuckknobs, All you got to do is just play it fucking poker-faced.
You don't owe them a smile.
You don't owe them a hug.
All you got to do is fucking keep it neutral.
And they'll let you walk out the fucking door, And then do whatever the fucking fuck you want.
Uh! Money well spent.
Williams: should we not bring out the cake? Because we had a whole cake and the whole thing.
Dangle: no.
Fuck the cake.
Fuck the cake.
As you know, we've been threatened with a lawsuit by Viacom international If we do not enforce their copyrights.
Their claim is-And they're filing this in many states- That local law enforcement is not doing enough to enforce copyrights On their copyrighted characters.
I'm taking about your "Spongebob Squarepants," your "Dora the explorers.
" Jones: what? Junior: like your DVD collection of that smurf porn And "little mermaid" porn and- Dangle: ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
That's completely different.
We're talking about merchandise.
I have a little Black Sambo potholder collection.
Are they gonna freak out about that? Dangle: Viacom? Yeah.
Highly unlikely.
Or did you mean the black people At the end of the table are gonna freak out? Weigel: anybody? Is anyone gonna freak out? I think there's a very solid chance these guys might freak out.
I'm afraid to look over there.
Don't look over there.
You seem pretty tense a lot of the time.
Did something happen to you in that time that you were in Chicago? That's where you were, right? Chicago, right? Uh-Huh.
Something happen or something? It was a concentrated time of a lot of high-stakes situations That ended me up They call it post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Mm-Hmm.
OK.
But you're telling me you're fine.
Oh, I'd love to hear you say it out loud.
There's a lot of gangs in Reno- Two main gangs - The 15th street gang and the Kings.
And they like to tag their walls with these awful graffiti.
'Cause they don't got a damn thing else to do.
Yeah.
So we get, about once a month, Make our shit-Hole look like A little bit less of a shit-hole.
Damn those Kings.
[Gunshots.]
[Tires screech.]
Oh, god.
Was that the- You think that was the 15th street gang? Sorry! We weren't think- We're gonna put it back! OK.
There we go.
No problem.
[Gunshots.]
Aah! Get down, Williams! That must have been the Kings.
Holla back.
All up in the house, the Kings.
You're my favorite gang.
All right.
What color-Aah! Aah! [Gunshots.]
Aah! Aah! I think that was my damn mama in that car.
Declan: I'm getting too old for this shit.
Reno sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Man: hey, what are you guys doing? We are going door to door, confiscating unlicensed merchandise.
This is a kids' party, officers.
Declan: sorry.
It's also copyright infringement.
This right here is not "Dora the explorer.
" That is "Dora the exploited.
" Well, how was I supposed to know This is not a real Spongebob here.
Did you notice that? I got these at- Declan: do you want a hint? Do you want a hint next time? Mexicans don't have green eyes.
You notice that? Man: ah, no, no, no.
My sister-in-law has green eyes.
Well, then she got raped by an Irishman.
Yo, Declan! I pay my taxes.
I cooperate with the law.
I don't care about your taxes.
It has nothing to do with your taxes.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-Uh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, you nasty little hooker! Come on! Man: get them, kids! Get them! Declan: aah! Aah! Son of a aah! Get in the car! Get in the car! [Kids yelling excitedly.]
That was like a Vietnam movie, man.
[Man speaking Spanish.]
Es the Chupacabra.
Kpba-Uno-Cero-Dos- Punto-Cero.
Aqui is Spanish radio station number one in Reno.
We are here with the Reno sheriff department con los negros.
ÿque pasa, negros? Que-Que paso.
We are here to ask the gangs- The Latin gangs and the black gangs- To all come together so that we can unify- Unify? Yeah, black and brown, get down.
To the Spanish people of Reno, If you see a black police officer, They will give you their guns para to shoot the white man.
Oh, no! No, Chupacabra.
We aren't gonna shoot anything [Speaking Spanish.]
Williams: no.
Don't start that.
No, no, no.
Jones: I'm not so sure that we want to- We don't want to kill the white people.
Williams: we don't-Anybody.
Ah, si.
But we can agree on one thing.
We can agree on one thing.
Crush los gays.
Jones: no Williams: we do not want That's all the time we have on here today.
That's it.
No.
Let's not do that.
All right.
That was great.
Thank you so much.
That was great.
Can I hug you? Yes! Of course.
Yes, si.
Can you feel it? Rizzo: what's wrong? Our brakes are out in the car! Your brakes are out? OK, it's gonna be just fine, all right? What should we do? The baby! We got a baby in the back of the car! There's a baby in the car? OK.
Everything's - Just calm down.
Gina, I want you to keep pumping those brakes.
OK, Lisa, you're gonna pass the baby to me, all right? What? I'm gonna wedge this in the accelerator so I can help you out.
Oh, god! OK.
All right, baby.
Here we go.
Oh, my god.
Oh, god.
All right.
I got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it! Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
You got to be kidding me with the cats.
Save him.
Oh, god.
OK.
Aah! OK.
OK.
Gina: oh, my god.
It's working.
It's working.
I got it back! It's working? OK, OK.
Let me just pull out this.
I'll pull out the baton.
Lisa: OK? OK.
Shit.
Shit! Shit! It's stuck! What's stuck? Rizzo: my baton's stuck.
We can't stop the car.
We're coming back over.
What?! We're coming back over! No! Oh, my god.
Rizzo: OK.
We're coming back over.
Lisa: give my cat back.
OK.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
OK.
Here we go.
All right? Ready.
Okay.
Rizzo: God damn it.
Why, Rizzo?! Go.
Now, listen, listen, I think there's an airbag in there.
I think there's an airbag on that side.
I'm sorry, bro.
Fuck you, grandpa.
I'm out of my mind on crystal methamphetamine.
My libido has gone completely haywire.
And I'm fixing on raping you.
Please don't rape me.
I'm your grandpa! Shut up! And take a raping, grandpa.
Williams: mm mm mm.
Another crystal meth grandpa rapist, Another horrible case of senior abuse, But one that's tragically on the rise in Washoe county.
Even one senior citizen crystal meth rape is Too many for our community.
And the number we had last year, baby, it's unacceptable.
Now, if you or someone you know witness a senior rape, Do the right thing and contact the Reno sheriff's department immediately.
So, anyway, it turns out that that stuff for the crotch rot And the stuff for the feet rot, the same stuff.
No, the same powder? You didn't know that? Ah, drop it.
Don't freak out.
Junior: drop the gun! Declan: whoa! Whoa! Drop the gun! Don't wig out.
Hand over the piã'ata, Mike.
Hey, do not shoot! That piã'ata is mine.
But- Drop the gun! Do not shoot the piã'ata! Do not shoot the piã'ata! You guys got- You take that gun off that piã'ata right now! Drop the god damn gun.
Drop the gun! OK, let's drop on the count of 3! Here we go! Let's count it down together.
All: 2 3.
Big Mike: nah.
Come on! Drop the gun, Mike! Drop the gun, Mike.
You weren't gonna drop it.
You weren't gonna drop it, either.
I was, too.
You just didn't say 3.
Look Hey, Mike! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, look, hey, don't freak out.
I've got my gum in there.
It's a gum gun.
God damn it.
Fucking retard.
It's a gum gun.
Give us your gun.
I'll fucking do it.
You'll do what? Oh, I'll do it.
Chew gum? What?! What are you gonna do? Chew gum? Let a dude have his gum gun.
Let the man have his gum gun! You know what? I just want to get out of here.
You stink.
You live in a garbage dump.
You're an idiot.
Oh, ho.
I live in a garbage dump? Yeah, you live in a garbage dump.
You call that a garbage dump? I call that a garbage dump.
Well, I don't know what it's like Over in your crystal palace, Mrs.
Rockefeller Declan: you don't call me Mrs! Where you have 20 negro slaves working for you night and day, And a Filipino jockey.
[Coughs.]
oh! Weigel: so my husband Craig was executed By the state because he was a serial killer.
And before he died, he made these lovely videotapes for our unborn son.
I'll let you guys see the tapes.
Kind of fun.
Dangle: this is not normal white people stuff.
Craig: welcome, camper.
I'm your dad, Craig.
Weigel: aw.
You're probably wondering why I'm not around.
It's because I killed a bunch of people.
And then the state caught me.
And then They're gonna kill me, and that's why you're not gonna see me.
Weigel: ha ha ha! Declan: what's funny? Nothing's funny.
Weigel: it's funny 'cause it's true.
And I'm not ignoring you.
I'm just dead.
Guess what today is.
It's your first birthday.
Happy birthday.
Aw.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your second birthday, fast-forward two seconds.
[Tape cueing.]
Happy second birthday.
Blow out your candles.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your third birthday, fast-forward two seconds.
Weigel: oh! Declan: can we just-How many birthdays does he do? Happy third birthday.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your fourth birthday, fast-forward two seconds.
Did you make baby with this guy? Weigel: yeah.
We sold it, though.
If this is your Dangle: oh, wow.
Happy 40th birthday.
Blow out your candles If this is your 106th birthday Happy 106th birthday.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome job.
You're probably dead by now.
But if you're not, you've broken some kind of record.
So congratulations.
You did an awesome job.
Weigel: what a dad.
Dangle: who wants a runchy? Weigel: I'll have a runchy.
I didn't mean to say it in a racist way, Cindy.
A runchy? I don't mean to say this in a racist way You know what I meant.
I meant luncheon.
But I rikey runchy.
Dangle: I said it in a slightly I rikey runchy, too.
Ha ha! We all rikey runchy.
Let's do it.
Declan: don't high-five them.
They're both insulting you.
No.
It sounds great.
It's not insulting.
It's just talking Like you in a sing-song way, like you talk.
Yeah.
It's not insulting.
I just a rikey to have some a-runchy.
Yeah! Dangle: but, seriously, get us some lunch, would you? Weigel: yeah.
Come back with some lunch.
OK.
I'll be right back.
OK.
Thanks.
And none of that Chinese shit.
We're here at the high school today Just, you know, checking the metal detector.
Keeping the school safe.
Hello.
Good morning.
What time you, um, want to go to the- Hey, hey, hey, honey.
Come back here.
You thought it was a good idea to come outside this morning With all of this out? You look like a whore.
You do.
You do look like a whore.
Mm-Hmm.
You do look like a filthy, a filthy little whore.
There we go.
What! Hey, ooh.
That looks nice on you.
That looks nice on you.
Hi there, handsome.
Not handsome at all.
In fact, a sad, homely, homely child.
Not handsome, but appropriately dressed.
Huh? But appropriately dressed.
Whoa.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey.
Seriously? Weigel: ho, ho.
And I do mean ho.
When you grow up and you get a real job, You're not gonna be able to walk around with your ta-tas hanging out And your hoo-hoos hanging out for everybody to see, OK? Sorry.
I am grown up, and I do have a real job.
Sure you do.
You work at strawberries or the dress barn? Oh, you grown! You just grown, huh? No, I'm-I'm the principal.
Oh.
Oh.
And a great principal you are.
You know how I know? The kids are terrific.
Ha ha ha! Yeah, they are.
Hang in there, girl.
I mean, good job.
Good job.
Thank you.
And by the way, I love your thong.
I would wear one, too, but a huge thicket of pubes.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Come on.
You kidding me? Junior: not today.
Drop the ice-Cream fliers! Man: OK.
Ho.
Ha.
Hey, oh.
OK.
Take off the sponge.
I don't, uh- Take it off.
Ooooooohhh! What-What is that? What is that? What is that? What are you doing? I get frustrated.
When I get frustrated, I- I experience- No, no, no, no.
You don't get cartoon frustrated with me.
Look You don't talk the Spongebob acting.
Arresting Spongebob! This is my job, OK? And you're making my job difficult.
Yup.
Now, I want to go home tonight.
I want to relax in front of some TV.
I want to whack it, and I want to go to sleep early.
Man: if you just wait- Declan: but if you give me a hard time, I'm gonna think all night about how I wished I'd killed you.
Now, you take off this fucking costume.
Sorry, kids.
Take off this frickin' costume, kids.
Man: I can't believe you guys are really- Junior: it's not the real Spongebob, kids.
Declan: yeah, don't get freaked out.
This is just a bad man.
Hey, hey.
Are those officially licensed batman underpants? I pray to god.
No, you don't.
Take off the underpants.
Take off the underpants! Take off the underpants.
Get out of the way! I got a clean shot! Take off the underpants.
Move over! Travis, move over! Get him! All right.
Let me see those things.
You're good kids.
You eat that ice cream.
Junior: check the girl's socks.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Don't hate the police.
Hate your parents.
[Clapping hands.]
my name is Glen.
My name is Bill, and who here likes vacations? I do.
Bill: but it's tough to take vacation When you only have 5 days allotted the entire year.
You know what? We're gonna do a little magic here.
What would you say if we took those 5 days We took those 5 days and we-Abracadabra- Made them 10 days! Whoo! 10 days of vacation time! Weigel: wow.
Dangle: I'd say hell, yeah! It can happen if you believe in the program we're talking about.
We're talking about a program.
Who wants to book a vacation? No one, right? Glen: no! Bill: who wants to think about where they're going? Who wants to call up a hotel, go on-line? That sounds like a lot of hassle to me.
Bill: it is.
Glen: exactly.
It is a lot of hassle, but not anymore.
If you want 10 days, all you have to do is vacation At one of 3 resorts that we have predetermined for you.
Declan: a resort like a resort-resort? Glen: it's a resort in the greater Tampa metropolitan area.
Man: wow.
Declan: fuck yeah.
Glen: and they are so nice.
How about a place called Casa Laguna? Boom! Casa Lagunas! Weigel: I like the water.
Bill: it all takes place right here, here, and here in Tampa.
Declan: what the hell is that? Guys, it is so beautiful.
You got to see this place.
You are just a short tram ride away from the beach! Yeah! How could we possibly afford this on a cop's salary? Bill: well, that's the thing.
What we do is we go like this.
Oh, oh, oh! Boom! Glen: what are we talking about right here, guys? Bill: we're talking about Tupperware.
Glen: yeah.
All you got to do is sell Over $50 of Tupperware to 3 to 5 friends.
For every week for the next 6 months.
Dangle: easy, easy.
We can do that.
And then you will qualify for the package.
Dangle: easy.
What was your favorite time in your life? When you had sleepovers with your friends? Yeah! Weigel: I love sleepovers.
Yeah! Everybody all together, right? Officers: yeah! Well, we are gonna give you a bona fide dorm room experience Because you are gonna be sharing this condo With up to 7 different people.
And the beauty of it, you don't even know them, so you make new friends.
Junior: that's good people watching.
Glen: at the beach.
Bill: and I want to talk about security, too.
Every window has bars on them.
Dangle: great.
You're protected.
You're not going to have to worry About your stuff getting stolen.
Great.
Glen: and if you're afraid of other things that might happen at the beach, Such as shark attacks, did you know That the occurrence of a shark attack, The odds of that happening are so minuscule to almost be negligible? Dangle: it's so "negativeable," It makes me wonder why you even brought it up.
Well, we have to bring it up by law.
So we get 10 nights, at an all inclusive resort, Two rides on the tram, a job, mandatory lectures, And all we have to do is sell $12,000 worth of Tupperware! Exactly! Exactly! Declan: I'm going to the Tampa area! Yeah! We need an investment from you for the Tupperware.
So you're gonna put some money out.
Great.
And then you're gonna get your money back Dangle: it takes money to make money.
Am I right? Come outside to our van.
And we are gonna give you some Tupperware! All: Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware! Declan: we can just throw all this stuff off here? I feel like a crap sandwich.
Junior: how do you mean? I didn't get into law enforcement to make a bunch of kids miserable.
I got into law enforcement for the outside possibility I'd get to shoot a man and get away with it through self-fefense.
I've always felt like I was the wrathful hand of god.
Today I felt like I was the devil clawing up from hell And stealing happiness from children.
[Music playing in distance.]
Listen.
You hear that? It sounds like a party.
It sounds like quinceaã'era music, birthday party.
How can they be celebrating? I saw them all crying and screaming and begging.
I even stole a little girl's Spongebob leggings.
How can they be celebrating? They're down there celebrating without piã'atas.
But they shouldn't have to.
You know what? I thought I'd never say this.
But fuck Johnny Law.
Whoo! Let's run some red lights.
Whoo.
Hey! Today's on us.
Free almost-genuine Spongebobs! You got a kid? Everybody loves Spongebob.
This is kind of like Spongebob.
Ha ha! Junior: absolutely free.
All this can - Whoa.
Jesus.
Man: hold it.
Hold it.
You're under arrest For copyright infringement.
Get away from the car.
All right, all right, all right, all right Do it.
Go, go, go.
Oh, ow, ow.
Boy, your car's pretty hot Push my head down.
I hit my head, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
You do not fuck with Viacom.
Yes, sir.
Over there.
Ow! MTV networks Chupacabra: do you guys like menudo? Woman: live together.
Jones: um, sure.
Yeah.
We like Woman: menudo? They know menudo? Jones: we like menudo.
Chupacabra: what about manu-re? Pfft! Pfft! Pfft Woman: we could have a condo.
Williams: no.
Ch-Ch-Chupacabra? Jones: what are you-What is that? Chupacabra: that's manu-re! Menudo is the new manure.
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft Woman: will you stop? Chupacabra: uh-Oh! [Silly voice.]
waah! Perdoname.
That was the baby in the radio station!