That '70s Show s06e12 Episode Script

Hey, guys, this is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson.
Simpson, these are my friends.
Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
You're right.
This one looks like the guy in the "What drugs can do to you" filmstrip.
You're a cop, huh? You don't look like a cop.
You look kind of giggly.
All right, Simpson needed to give me a ride home, 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it'd feel like.
Hey, so, Suzy, which "Charlie's Angels" is your favorite The brainy one, the sporty one or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
"Charlie's Angels" are an embarrassment to the badge.
No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
We back up our own.
Point place police, crime free, safe streets! What's her problem with "charlie's angels"? Ugh, I bet she watches pbs.
So you and Simpson have been friends for almost two days now, huh? Isn't it about time you got her pregnant? No.
It's different with me and Simpson.
For the first time ever, I have a girl that's just a friend.
Like, when Simpson talks, I actually listen instead of watching her boobs go up and down.
Kelso, you've finally gotten past the stage where you have to look at every woman's chest.
Congratulations.
Not exactly.
I'm lookin' at yours right now.
May I say, congratulations to you.
You're such a perv.
And thank you.
Oh, hey.
What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's? Oh, let me guess.
You had to call in a specialist just to find dad's tiny heart.
You know, we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.
We're gonna need an ass-footologist, stat.
Your father's blood pressure is still high, and the doctor can't figure out why.
So he wants to send some moron over to find the source of my stress.
And I said, "the source of my stress "is when you quacks try to pad my medical bill.
" And then the machine went "beep" and the appointment was over.
You know, I don't know what you're so worried about.
They're just gonna blame me.
Shrinks love to blame the wife.
What do they know? They're barely doctors.
A stuffed animal and a box of tissues could do their job.
Why is Red so stressed? Huh, it's a mystery, just like when Nancy Drew had to figure out why the man in the clock tower was so mean to his cat.
And what did you found out? Oh, I don't know, books are too long.
Hello, Wisconsin! Hi, I'm the stress management specialist, Stuart Sutcliffe.
You played tight end for the packers.
Yeah, till I bent my knee sideways.
Actually, that happened to me in the school musical.
Yeah, I was a dancing mushroom.
Anyway, long story short I finished the number.
This is my son Eric.
Oh, oh, and I am his loving, relaxing wife, kitty.
How about that? A real live packer in the house.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I hope the fact that you both love sports doesn't mean that anyone like, say, his wife would be judged unfairly.
I mean, I love sports.
So don't start me off with four strikes in the last quarter of the super series.
No, no.
Today I'm just a neutral observer with a degree in family therapy and alcohol awareness.
Oh, so, dad, you can talk to him about sports, and, mom, you can talk to him about drinking.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, pooh.
I was instructed by the doctor to have the occasional medicinal cocktail.
I have a note.
Red, how do you feel about kitty's drinking? Makes things easier.
But drinking often adds a lot of stress to a household.
If you will excuse me, I'd rather not stay here and listen to you blame me.
Mother hater.
Well, I hope nobody minds if I record today's session.
Hey, this is your lucky day, son.
They say the camera adds 15 pounds.
Really? I heard it also adds a full head of hair.
Hey, kitty.
You busy? No.
Red and I are just having our marriage dissected by a teetotaling know-it-all.
Oh, then is now a good time to tell red I broke his chain saw? No.
He'll be furious with you.
Yes.
He will be furious with you.
Come with me.
So then all the mushrooms jitterbugged Stuart.
Stuart.
This is Bob, the stress causer, Bob broke red's chain saw.
Bob, meet Stuart.
Stuart, blame Bob.
Red, how do you feel about Bob? Does he cause you stress? Not really.
Bob's just kind of goofy, like a cartoon.
It's like living next to Elmer Fudd.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said about me.
You wascal.
Heh heh heh heh.
Oh, so fine.
Now you're best friends.
Now everyone's all happy, and I look like the crazy one just yelling and screaming in the middle of the living room.
Well, I am not the crazy one, even though I am yelling and screaming in the middle of the living room.
Is that a camera? Yes.
I'm recording today's session.
Well, isn't that just something I didn't know.
? Michael, we got issued our cop sunglasses.
I've been using 'em to scare the crap out of civilians all day.
Drop the records, punk! I wasn't stealing them.
Yes, I was.
Fez, this is Suzy Simpson.
She and I are training to be cops.
Oh, if there's more like you at the police academy, that academy deserves an award.
Academy award that's funny.
Yeah, Simpson's wanted to be a cop for, like, forever.
Yeah, it's because of the weapons mostly.
I love things that make a lot of noise Guns and boys.
Well, then load me up, baby, cause I'm ready to go bang.
Well, I'd better go.
I've gotta stop at the candy store.
Wait.
You like candy? Yeah, I'm out of good & plenty.
It says on the box that there's plenty But it's never enough.
Jinx.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
You owe me a coke! That is the woman I've been searching for my whole life! Hey, do you want me to see if she likes you? Kelso, we've been down that road.
Just give me her address, some binoculars, and I'll handle the rest myself.
Now while we're filming, let's just pretend the camera's not even here.
Now you're going to interact.
I'm gonna write down my observations.
While you're writing down stuff, would you mind autographing this football? It's brand-new.
Kid never touched it.
Hey, what's going on? Dude, we're on tv.
How does this thing work? Hey, Steven, point it at me.
Good morning, Dallas.
I'm Jackie sunshine with your morning weather.
It is going to be sunny today.
So you ladies who let yourself go this winter, stay inside and leave the fellas to us pretty girls.
Please stop touching my camera.
Well, what a lovy day here in the household of the Formans.
I can't say there's a place I'd rather be than with these kinds of people in this kind of place.
What are you, Scarlett O'Hara now? I am being soft and gracious.
Now clam it! Mom, you know, they have talkies now.
Oh, forget it.
I give up.
Where is the "off" button on this thing? Mrs.
Forman, I need to see things as they happen! All right, you clocked this lady doin' 38 in a 35 zone.
Recite it and write it.
License and registration, ma'am.
Use the glasses.
They're powerful.
It's like a gun you wear on your face.
License and registration, ma'am.
Ooh, that felt good.
Hey, guess what.
I know someone who likes you and thinks that you're cute and smart and funny.
Ah.
Well, I think I know who you're talking about, and I like him, too.
Huh? What do you like about him? I like how hot he looks sitting across from me I n a blue t-shirt eating a hot dog.
You just described me.
Oh, crap.
Man, I thought Simpson was different.
She's supposed to just be my buddy.
Now I'm gonna have to sleep with her.
No, Michael, no.
Set her up with fez.
He's the one who likes her.
Fez needs something, man.
Guy's so desperate, he's been rubbing himself around on the couch like a cat.
What you need to do is put 'em together in a romantic situation.
Suzy might not like fez at first, but he won't take "no" for an answer.
He's like one freaky, horny little dude.
Just ask the couch.
Hey, I was thinking maybe tomorrow you could help me brush up on my target practice.
It's a date.
Yeah, I'll be there.
You'll be there.
On a date.
So I'll see you at the shooting range.
For our date.
Your first date with Suzy's all set up, and she told me that she's crazy about you.
Well, I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm a little crazy about me, too.
Well, it's all set.
Fez is going on a date with Suzy, who's going on a date with me and doesn't know she's going on a date with fez.
I'm ready for our date, Michael.
I'm ready for our date, Suzy.
Oh, yeah! ? it's such a shame you won't be able to film anymore.
Look, there's one last exercise I want to try Role-playing.
All right, come on.
All right, now you're going to be Eric.
Eric, you're going to be your father.
Mr.
Forman, you can start.
Well I'm just a skinny Smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything.
And I wish I was an octopus.
So I could put eight feet in eight different asses.
"Star wars.
" "Star wars.
" "Star wars"! Dead commies! Dead commies! Dead commies! All right, hold it.
Time out.
Time out.
I think I know what the problem is.
All right, fine.
I drink a little.
What? I have a very difficult job, and I come home at night, and, well Drinks are her nightly reward.
Mrs.
Forman, I believe the source of your husband's stress is Oh, here it comes.
Your son! Him? Me? It's not me? Oh, boy! You think my problem is my own son? My son is a fine young man.
Oh, dad, you don't have Shut up, dumb-ass.
You know less about my family than you do about football, which isn't saying much since you dropped every pass that came near you.
And let me tell you something else When a real packer hurts his leg, he stuffs his kneecap back in and keeps on running! That's what this little mushroom would have done.
? I love this place The sweet smell of gunpowder, the deafening boom of shotgun blasts.
Oops, that kind of talk is more appropriate for the bedroom.
I apologize.
Knock.
Knock.
Who's there? Ivan.
Ivan who? I've an awful lot of candy for the both of us.
Fez? Well, if it's not me, then there's some lucky bastard who looks just like me.
Michael, I thought it was just gonna be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Well, it's even better.
It's you, me, and a box of hot fez.
Kelso, this wasn't part of the deal.
What wasn't part of the deal? You! So beat it.
I want her to smell nothing but me.
Okay, you know what? I'm kind of in the way.
I'm gonna go next door, and maybe you can show fez how to shoot.
Try to close the deal before she realizes you're a foreigner.
So where do we start? I could rifle through the manual, but why don't you just give me the bullet points? Fez, I never joke about guns.
OhShoot.
I have no discipline.
Okay.
You're gonna just take aim and squeeze gently.
Squeebee-geegee.
Here.
Put these on and take a few shots.
I'm just gonna go check on Michael.
So he's not alone.
Cologne? Oh, yeah, I mixed a bunch of different ones, and, you know, I make my own scent.
Hey, Michael.
Do you want me to hold your shoulders while you shoot or maybe square off your thighs? You know whose thighs need squaring off? Fez's.
Yeah, bad.
Oh, and by the way, he also told me that he thinks you're really nice.
Oh, well, he's nice, too.
And now that I can understand some of what he's saying, he's kind of charming.
Oh, look, a rabbit.
I love animals.
You know who really loves animals? Fez.
He does? Yeah.
The bunny! I got dinner! ? and then my dad actually gave me a compliment "My son's a fine young man.
" That's like the most loving thing he said to me since he told me that I could be worse.
Are you sure red was talking about you? I mean, I love you, but you are a little high-maintenance.
And not in a good way like me.
Remember when it took red all summer to teach you how to catch a ball 'cause you were too scared of it? First, red had him look at a picture of a ball.
Then he put him in a room with a ball.
And then he moves him closer until he wasn't screaming being right next to the ball.
What is so scary about a ball? People throw it right at you, okay? I'm sorry about what I did to that poor bunny.
I guess my gun really had a hare trigger, huh? Too soon? Yes, too soon.
Well, I apologize for ruining our first date.
Our first date? No, I was there on a date with Michael.
What? No, no, he told me we were on a date.
He told me we were on a date.
You and me "we" or he and you "we"? I think one of us has been lied to and the other one, too.
Well, then you should be very angry, which means I am, too! Hey, why don't you two kiss and make up? Michael, what kind of game are you playing, inviting me on a date that wasn't with you? Yeah, I second that, but about her.
And add, "you son of bitch.
" Okay, look, I have a really good explanation for this, but I left it at home.
Oh, dad.
Uh, about what you said to the stress management guy I just wanted to say thanks.
Okay.
Okay.
You said it.
We're both embarrassed.
Now move along.
No, I mean Look, I could be a little less of a smart-ass.
And you're my father.
Your life matters to me.
So anyway, dad, I Eric, if you say, "I love you," my heart is going to explode.
Ah, kitty, uh, what's for dinner? Well, the camera's off, so I'm having a Margarita with salt.
You two are on your own.
Kelso So this is where you go after a hard day of screwing me over! All right, look, fez, I'm really sorry.
Zip it, fool! You stole my girl, and I really need a girl.
Here, fez.
You're probably gonna want some personal time with the couch.
I even plumped up the pillows for you.
No, I cannot be in the same room with him.
You and I are through.
Now good day.
But, fez Fez, he said, "but, fez" Oh, I heard him.
Well, now you're supposed to say "I say good day.
" Yeah, and then we all know that you're really mad, but eventually, you'll get over it.
Oh, you'd like that.
Dance, monkey, dance.
Oh, kelso, this monkey don't dance no more.
But, fez I said good day! Arrrh! Oh, fez, it was so nice of you to make dinner for us.
Yeah, this is amazing.
Well, food always tastes better when it's fresh.
So what is this anyway? Well, let's just say that the Easter bunny came early this year, so I shot him.