The League s06e12 Episode Script
Ménage à Cinq
All right, gather round, children, for this week's episode of Autobot League Recap Theater.
Can't stand these things.
It's like Frittata Fantasy MadLibs.
The Shit Heads were a problem for Too Hot to Handle.
If Coach Kevin McArthur wants a scapegoat, he should look no further than LeSean McCoy, a truly shady draft pick.
What it's like getting shamed by an algorithm, Kev? Eat shit, Ruxin.
Jenny's making dinner? Oh! All right, let's save the trash talk for the playoffs.
Speaking of which in the first bracket, we have Andre vs.
- Russell.
- Opening a restaurant and playing each other in the playoffs.
- That's not too stressful, Andre.
- What do you guys think of chartreuse? For your team page? No, no, no.
For, uh, the waitress uniforms.
Oh, eat shit, Andre.
Is Jenny making dinner? Hey! All right, now, for the bracket that actually counts, we have The Shit Heads vs.
the Jenny Tops, Kevin Bottoms.
Yeah, you know what? It should have been Jenny on top.
I can't believe I lost to Ruxin.
I am killing it.
Do you know that I'm in the playoffs in eight leagues? You stayed in all those leagues? Yeah.
I mean, they're mostly kids, but I'm cranking them.
You know what? Do what you want on the playground, but I'm gonna win in this league, I'm gonna win the beach house, I'm moving to Laguna You're gonna wear white boat shoes and a white leather hat and have bad sex with seafood restaurant waitresses.
Yes! And if you are gonna have sex with a waitress, which one would you pick? Bad Kitty or Firecracker? Definitely not the one in the middle.
You are the one in the middle, Andre.
- Hey! - Running a bed and breakfast is so much more work than I thought it was gonna be.
Can you believe people actually expect me to make their beds and cook them breakfast? Oh, please tell me you are not cooking them condom chorizo.
No, I served them the EBDBBnB BLT.
I'm assuming the bacon is made of diaphragms? I'm so stressed out.
Whoa, no-no pot in the house, Taco.
Oh, it's not pot.
It's khat.
What? Wait, what? It's khat.
All my friends from the Yemen chew it.
It gives you a lot of energy.
It's a stimulant.
It's like a stronger coffee.
What, that you just jam into your mouth and chew on it? Yeah.
Like that.
Who has friends from Yemen? I lead an interesting life.
I don't just hang out with you idiots all day.
Here, try some.
No.
You sure? Yes.
You should.
It's just like speed, except khat's illegal.
Taco, speed is illegal.
No, I think you have that wrong; I think it's just illegal to street race on it.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
How do you feel about your doctor being on the cover of a magazine? To be honest, the picture's a little creepy, but better the front of the magazine than the back, in the classifieds.
Hmm, fair point.
Thanks for talking, by the way.
No one actually talks to each other in these waiting rooms.
I know, right? People are afraid to look left, they're afraid to look right, they don't talk It's like being at a urinal.
I'll have to take your word on that.
Having a lot of work done, but adding a dick is really not on the list.
That's not a problem.
I'm actually adding a second dick.
If you want to borrow one of mine, you're welcome to.
Ow.
Oh, sorry.
Laughter's not good.
Yeah.
Got it.
Thank you very much, Ms.
Glenn.
And, uh Mr.
Eckhart? The doctor will see you now.
Don't pretend like I'm a I'm not having a procedure.
No judgments.
You know, a butt implant is a very serious procedure Shut up.
The nurse will be with you in a second.
What's going on? I thought we were going to lunch.
I'm super stressed and really busy right now.
Oh, yes, you're very, very busy.
Okay.
Russell is unstoppable.
I-I don't even know where to focus right now.
Whatever.
As long as you don't let him win that beach house, it's gonna be fine.
Holy shit, who is that? That's Emma.
She's out in the waiting room.
That is what she looks like? Well, no, this is a computer simulation of what she will look like when she gets the bandages off.
She is gorgeous.
I'm good at my job.
I guess no one really knows what she's gonna look like.
No.
Kind of gives me first priority on the waiver wire.
Can you give me, like, five more minutes? And then we will go.
You know what? Take all the time you need.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I didn't get the chance to actually introduce myself.
My name's Pete.
I'm Emma.
Nice to meet you, Emma.
Nice to meet you.
Are you doing anything later? Is this bragging? What I'm about to say? Probably.
I don't want to brag Then don't.
but I am super primed for the playoffs.
Ask me how I do it.
How do you do it, Russell? That's a great question.
Because my guys are on teams with super favorable match-ups during our playoffs.
You think that far ahead? Let's take a look at Detroit during the playoffs.
At home against Tampa Bay.
At home against Minnesota.
On the road against Chicago.
All those places are what? They're all cities.
With? Terrible defenses.
Terrible defenses.
Yes.
Weak secondaries and cannot stop the run, can't stop the run Which means I'm gonna run to y'all's beach house.
Bloop! Now I am going to moonwalk over to the bar and get myself a fresh glass of wine, 'cause I'm almost empty.
It's full.
No, it's not.
He is so good.
It's like he's taken all of his gross sexual energy and put it into fantasy football.
He's like an old, creepy oracle.
We cannot let him win.
Well, you know what? Andre could beat him.
Andre? Yeah.
No.
He doesn't care about our playoffs.
He doesn't care; he preoccupied.
Well, what are we gonna do? It's simple, okay? Russell is still a sex addict, so all we have to do is knock him off the fantasy football train and just push him onto the sex wagon again.
Are you asking me to sleep with Russell? No.
History has proven that Russell would rather have sex with a bowl of hummus than you.
I think that was just an off night.
No, but that's a good idea, though.
Do you have any girlfriends that you could hook Russell up with? No.
Do you have any girlfriends? No.
What about Andre's sister? She can't.
She's living the quiet life up in Scotland on a sex farm.
Oh, good for her.
What if we invite Russell and a girl over to hang out in your above-ground hot tub? No! Even if they don't have sex, at least they'll get dysentery.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause that thing's filthy.
Filthy.
No, it is not! Have you guys gone in it since the incident? No.
Yes.
What? Ew.
Wait.
Hey.
Uh It's Emma.
Right! Emma! I-I don't know what you look like, so this is Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Feel a little weird with the bandages off, everyone keeps staring.
Well, they're gonna stare at you, because you're gorgeous.
Well, you were into me while they were still on my face, so I-I was, I was into you as a bandaged weirdo in the waiting room.
Says a lot about you, Pete.
It does.
It says everything, actually.
We'll see about that.
Yeah.
You want a drink? Sure.
All right.
Guys, this Emma situation is incredible.
And the best part is, I didn't have to jump through all the hoops that you normally jump through to get the crazy hot girl, you know? Yes, yeah.
It's like you pick up Knile Davis the week before Jamaal Charles goes down.
Yeah.
Or Ryan Matthews and Danny Woodhead go down, and you know what? Donald Brown, Brendan Oliver, my buddies.
Already got 'em.
Enough of the analogies.
Let's get into details.
Where did you take her on her first date? Uh, it was great.
We went to the bar, we had a drink, it was easy Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You took her He took her to the bar.
The bar.
Those cheekbones do not deserve to be in that cesspool.
You need to give this girl maximum effort, all right? Tell me what you're doing for the second date.
We're gonna order in from the Thai place down No! No, no, no.
You do not order in with a nose like that.
You take that nose out.
She sounds gorgeous.
Did you give her the full nose-ic? The full nose-ic.
She is my statue of David, with a better nose, boobs and no dick.
Andre, thank you for the advice, but you don't really have a say in this.
As a matter of fact, I do, because I keep a private counseling session with all of my patients after their surgeries.
God, how low are these people's self-esteem? Bad.
Rock bottom.
One word from me, and this relationship vanishes.
You suck.
So listen, if you want to keep Emma, you gotta talk to me.
Let's go.
Russell, aren't you just supposed to taste the wine? That's what I'm doing, I'm tasting it.
You're not addicted to anything anymore, right? I'm just passionate about wine.
And clean living.
Okay, Pete.
You want to date me, show me what you got.
Really? We're doing this? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Um would you like to go to, like, a cool foreign film? You want to put this face in the dark? No.
Pass.
Second City for some improv? Oh, you want me to go with you to a place where they don't even bother to memorize their lines? Uh, no thank you.
Fine, we could something athletic, like take a run on Michigan Avenue.
What are you, my trainer? What do you want from me, Emma? I want passion, I want excitement, I want something different than the run-of-the-mill Pete Eckhart date.
Fine.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
We'll go to Alinea for a three-course meal.
After a nice aperitif, I'll take you ice-skating at the John Hancock so that we can look out over the stars and our future together.
That's really nice.
You know, if you play your cards right, I'll even invite you up for a nightcap.
No.
Well, date approved.
No Welcome to No Missionary Fridays.
Jesus, Taco, it's like a scene from Boogie Nights in here.
You're a regular High Hefner.
Hey, did the concierge lube you up on the way in? I politely declined that service, thank you.
Oh, you like it dry? It's gonna hurt after a few hours.
Let's just talk about why we're here, okay? Yes, the plan.
I will distract Russell, keep him here Mm-hmm.
while you Will get Crazy Tiffany, bring her back and introduce her to Russell.
Right.
Please feel free to have all the three-penis wine you want.
Allergic to penis.
Um, everybody? This is my brother Kevin.
He's very shy, so please, make him feel at home.
Okay? All right, have fun.
Ooh, God Okay.
Thank you.
I have, uh, I have low "T," so don't count me in on any of this stuff.
Russell, hey! Russell.
Come here, man.
What's going on? Welcome to the party.
What's going on? I thought this was a BnB.
I don't know, man.
It's kind of weird.
I might have to get out of here.
There's a lot of familiar butt holes in here.
Yeah, but you know, that's in your past.
Maybe I should go.
No, no, no, let's talk about football.
You've been doing great this year, man.
Oh, thanks.
Although I did notice that this week you haven't put a kicker in yet, in your lineup, so your lineup's sort of illegal at this point.
Well, that's kind of a little move that I do.
What I'll do is I'll pick up an extra wide receiver or a running back or even a "D" and then I'll figure out who I'm gonna start and then at the last minute, I'll drop one of those guys, pick up a kicker.
After I check out the wind and weather reports, of course.
God, you're good.
Hey, everybody.
Look who I randomly ran into by accident.
It's my friend Tiffany.
Crazy Tiffany.
Perfect.
Uh, this is my good friend Russell.
Hi.
Russell.
Hi.
You're so tall.
So tall.
Uh, your hands are so soft.
There's a lot of lotion on there, right? Wow, you guys have amazing chemistry.
You should get a room upstairs.
Okay.
Thank you so much, I'm so flattered.
I can't.
But Kevin might be interested.
Huh? I could do that.
That's a great idea.
Kevin, you and Tiffany should sleep together.
No.
No, it's not a great idea.
A great idea is the idea we just spoke about over there.
Yeah, but that idea didn't work out, so we need a new idea.
So you should sleep with Tiffany.
No.
I have an idea.
What's your idea? One, two, three, me.
Yeah! But not me.
Okay.
Threesome! Yes, yes, yes.
All three of us go upstairs.
Come on, we never do anything as brothers.
I will take you mini golfing, okay? Okay no I love miniature golfing.
I can't do that.
I cannot I cannot go upstairs and have sex with you.
Oh, so you want to do it here? It's not gonna bother me at all.
No.
Can I have a tarp? Yeah, let's get a tarp, please! Tarps? Wait, wait, why are the lights flickering? It's a blackout party.
Wait, what's a blackout party? It gets crazy.
Who's touching me?! How many people are touching me? Sorry, that was me.
The plan did not work.
But it was so simple.
What about Crazy Tiffany? Well, he didn't want to sleep with her to salvage the plan, so I had to sleep with her.
That is just crazy.
But what about Russell? Well, he's so clean, he didn't even want to film it.
He's clean as a whistle.
I don't know why people say "clean as a whistle.
" Whistles aren't clean at all.
I had to climb out a window and I was poked and prodded within an inch of my life.
And he sent us this loan for the EBDBBnBnBnBnBnB.
Andre, you are a genius.
What? Yes.
I am so happy that you forced me to change my game plan, because not only was my date with Emma romantic, I think it might be actually going somewhere.
Ooh, do tell, girlfriend! Let me ask you: did you kiss my pillowy lips? I kissed her lips.
But I was a gentleman, so I stayed at first base.
So upset.
I really wanted you to play with my breasts.
Why are you calling them "your breasts"? They are my breasts.
They're my breasts, they're my lips, they're my everything.
I mean, I am the sculptor.
I worked so hard on my breasts that when you touch her, I want you to think of me.
Andre, the last thing I want to think of when I'm near Emma's breasts is you.
I've been counting the days until you play with my nipples.
Andre, stop calling them your nipples.
Okay, fine, my areolas.
Don't do that! These are not yours.
Why are you freaking out? We're like Eskimo brothers here.
You didn't even hook up with her! Uh, I saw her naked.
Mmm, how many times do I have to tell you? That doesn't count.
It counts.
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, hmm-mm.
What's this place? This is the room.
The room? The room.
This looks like a bedroom to me.
There is a bed there.
What happens in here? Whatever you want to happen.
Really? Yeah.
I have ideas.
Mm.
Okay.
You're gonna love my breasts.
Uh It's okay.
Really.
Okay.
Touch me, Peter.
Uh! Ah You okay? I feel like we should take it slow.
You are so sweet.
I'll be right back.
Oh And then we'll take it slow.
Okay.
What the hell? Hey.
It's Andre.
Are you with her? Yes, I'm with her! What do you want?! Have you felt my breasts yet? I am not having this conversation with you right now.
Pete, you can do whatever you want to my breasts.
You can tickle them, you can put your tongue on them-- I guarantee you you'll never know that they're fake.
Andre, these are not your breasts! Stop it! Pete, I am so excited for you.
I cannot wait for you to feel my vagina.
That is the worst thing you could possibly say to me right now.
The labia might be a little bit sore because of the procedure, but don't worry.
Go to town.
Oh, you know what? What am I doing? I'm telling you all about my labia.
You should come back tomorrow and tell me all about my labia.
I got to go.
Hey.
Hi.
So, are we still thinking about that whole "taking it slow" thing? I'm rethinking my position.
Good.
Hey, Pete.
So, what do you think? Come here.
Are-are you okay? Come here, big boy.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything's great.
Get those hands over here.
Ooh! Ooh-la-la.
Ooh, I'm so excited! What-what's wrong? I'm in your yank bank now.
Oh, no! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What?! It-it's the surgery.
You can tell me if it's the surgery.
It's totally not the surgery.
It's kind of the surgery.
It's complicated.
Well, I think Dr.
Nowzick did a really great job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, don't say Dr.
Nowzick! Don't call him that! Well, I think it's weird to call my doctor Andre! Oh! Don't say his name! Ah, I can't take it! Disgusting! Just got to pick a kicker, check the weather.
Uh, excuse me? Oh, hi.
Um, we're actually closed.
We're not open till tomorrow.
I know.
I'm just looking for Dr.
Nowzick.
Andre's not here.
Uh, he went to the hat store, so it's probably gonna be awhile.
Is there something I can help you with? I'm-I'm Russell.
Emma.
Hey.
Um, it's kind of personal.
His friend Pete blew me off.
What? Why would Pete blow you off? I don't know if it's me or the surgery or the combo.
But he's disgusted.
Well, Pete is a moron.
I mean, look at yourself.
I-I don't think you can look at yourself, but if you could look at yourself, you would agree with me that I'm right that you're gorgeous.
Thank you.
You know, whenever I'm feeling kind of down, what I like to do is soothe myself with a little Rioja.
Can I offer you some? Yes.
Do you know anything about wine? No.
I know I like to drink it.
Mm-hmm.
Know it gets you drunk.
That's all you need to know.
To drinking a beautiful wine with a beautiful woman.
Sure doesn't feel that way though.
I thought all this work being done would make me feel some kind of way, and it hasn't, so Isn't that crazy? They don't tell you how hard it is to be a gorgeous woman.
Well, I don't know anything about being a gorgeous woman.
All I do know is if I do not get laid soon, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge.
No! No, no, no! No! I'm so sorry about that.
Is there something wrong with me?! No, uh, it's you, it's me.
I Oh, that's original.
Fine, it is you.
I have to warn you.
I have an extremely addictive personality.
That's fine.
Me, too.
Off the wagon! I can't believe I'm gonna lose and I'm gonna lose to you.
What are you thinking with your lineup? It was terrible.
Technically, I'm not mathematically eliminated here.
Okay? If Chicago has a huge game against the Saints, you got the Saints' D.
If they go negative points, I could do this.
I can pull it out.
You know what? I thought about the same thing, my friend, and that's why I have decided to bench the Saints' D.
No matter how badly they do, if they're on my bench, they ain't getting negative points, and I can't lose.
That is dirty pool.
Even dirty for you.
Oh, Pete, you can charm me all you want, but it's not gonna get you a win.
Hey! What's up, guys? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I never do this, but I have to ask What? Are you the guy who's been in the Sacko two years in a row? You know what? Not funny.
I'm in the Sacko, big deal.
I'm gonna win.
It's not gonna be an issue.
Yeah, I think it will be an issue.
All right, well, I am gonna go congratulate Andre on his big night.
Slide over.
Well, who you gonna lose to next week in the Shiva Bowl, Ruxin? Well, I'm not gonna lose to anybody, but I think I'm gonna end up playing Russell.
Yeah, Andre's up by two points, but he's played all of his players, and Russell still hasn't started a kicker.
And as soon as Shayne Graham gets locked in, good-bye, Andre.
But he'll always have this successful wine bar.
Have you guys seen Russell? Oh, my God! What are you wearing? You look like a Hasidic club promoter.
No, I think you look more like Russian Liberace.
I'd say he looks like an old-age home hooker.
Okay, I am so stressed out right now, I don't know if those are compliments or insults, all right? What I do know is Russell's been gone since Sunday morning and I need to find him.
Well, look, I haven't seen him, but if you see him, tell him he needs to start a kicker.
I don't care about a kicker! I need a sommelier, okay? I mean, people are waiting.
Andre, table 12 is asking for a wine recommendation from the Southern Rhône Valley? I don't know what that is, okay? I have the style! I have the je ne sais quoi! Not the knowledge! I hate the word je ne sais quoi.
Mm, now you know how we feel.
Russell Oh, Andre, Andre, hey! I just wanted to say congratulations! Have you seen Russell? What? I don't know how to do this! Oh, my God.
Hey, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny Whoa! Do you want a drink? Do you work here now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no Taco, when was the last time you slept? About two weeks ago.
What? Yeah, it's okay though.
You don't need to sleep.
Yeah, you do need to sleep.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.
Taco? Whoa! What the hell's a Rhône Viognier? Russell? Andre? Emma?! Hi, Dr.
Nowzick! What are you guys doing? Uh well, this is intercourse, and we're doing a whole lot of it, like, over and over and over I know what you're doing.
Look, this is opening night.
We are slammed up there.
I need you upstairs.
Well, we're kind of busy down here, too.
I need to talk to you for a second, please! The both of us? No, just you! Well, you're not gonna yell at me, are you, because I already feel kind of bad about myself Russell, come on! It'll just take me a second.
You-you stay! Don't look at my wiener.
Congrats! The place looks really great.
Thank you so much.
Like us on Yelp, okay? What the hell is going on in there?! Andre, I'm so sorry.
I lost control.
But your vagina-- I had to sample your vagina Do not call it my vagina, okay? I didn't think your vagina could live up to the hype, but it does! Clean yourself up right now! Okay.
What is that? It's that speed weed from Taco.
I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex and after I have sex, I masturbate and after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn on for me! You're jerking off to corn?! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Russell, I need you to pull yourself together Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah You need to go upstairs and do the wine.
Screw the wine, okay?! Actually that's not a bad idea.
(Andre saying "No!" over and over rapidly) (Russell saying "Yeah!" over and over rapidly) Okay.
I think this is it.
Oh.
Okay, I found Russell.
It's worse than I could've imagined.
I will be the sommelier tonight.
No! Really? I need an apron.
No, you don't need an apron.
Sommeliers don't have aprons.
I need flair.
Here, I'll take the scarf, okay? Oh, God.
Yeah, this is gonna be good.
That's worse.
Taco! What? Wake up or go home! It's opening night! Uh-huh.
How do you pronounce that? "Côtes de Rhône.
" Got it! Welcome to the EBDBBnB.
Can I get you lubed up? No, sir.
Thank you very much.
Um, hi.
Hi.
I heard that you had some questions about the wine.
Well, I am your sommelier.
Yeah, we've heard that your descriptions of the wine are almost poetic.
They really bring everything to life.
Well, this is one of my favorites.
It's a Côtes de Rhône, you know, from France.
You know, this wine has, uh, really great knees, you know, it's "Knees"? it's sturdy.
It's a very core-centric wine Can you tell us anything about the vintner? "The vintner.
" Yeah.
Yes, well, uh he used to be, um, a Southern shrimp boat captain.
And he took his love of crawdads and used it to open up a winery.
You know, he's always like, "Oh, I got my-my-my grapes! I got, I got to keep them "separated! You know, I got my Syrah and my-my Malbecs, I got to keep them separated!" So, he went to France to open a vineyard? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't really know how that speaks to the wine.
The restaurant reviewer is here and she's a real hard ass.
What? Where? Oh, my God She's blind.
I know.
Can you at least open it? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi, Trixie.
It-it's Andre.
Andre, yeah.
Is that really Trixie? Oh, yeah.
How are you? Blind.
I'm doing really blind.
You I mean, you-you do it well, so Well, thank you.
Oh, my God.
She's still blind.
Oh, it hasn't affected her fashion sense.
Wow, Andre's widow-making death jizz really did a number on her eyes.
Glasses are a good choice.
People don't wear the glasses and I feel like You know, thank you for saying that because no one ever comments on the glasses.
I didn't know that you were, uh, reviewing restaurants.
Uh, yeah, I stuck with the interior decorating for about a year.
Well, then because of the blindness, right? No, I just got bored.
Oh, okay.
Oh, uh, of course.
Well, welcome to Ménage à Cinq.
You know, I must confess I love the name.
I love it.
See? I knew it! See, no one gets it, but you got it.
I got it, I got it.
And the décor sounds amazing.
Oh, my God.
You, if you could see it, you would We have these old security deposit boxes.
We turned a wine bar into a bank and then we're turning it back - into a - Wine bar! Yes! Oh, so Andre.
Oh, my gosh.
Genius.
Even though his jizz bomb blinded her, there is still sexual chemistry between them.
Well, um, I always like to start in the kitchen.
So, if you don't mind.
Okay, yeah, okay, oh, uh um, just, yeah.
We'll just Good, okay, this is Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
She's coming Oh, she's coming over.
Okay, yeah I know, Andre.
Okay.
Are your loser friends here? - No.
- Hi, Trixie! Yeah, they're here.
I really like your Sunset Boulevard look.
Watch out, watch out! Sorry! What are you doing?
Can't stand these things.
It's like Frittata Fantasy MadLibs.
The Shit Heads were a problem for Too Hot to Handle.
If Coach Kevin McArthur wants a scapegoat, he should look no further than LeSean McCoy, a truly shady draft pick.
What it's like getting shamed by an algorithm, Kev? Eat shit, Ruxin.
Jenny's making dinner? Oh! All right, let's save the trash talk for the playoffs.
Speaking of which in the first bracket, we have Andre vs.
- Russell.
- Opening a restaurant and playing each other in the playoffs.
- That's not too stressful, Andre.
- What do you guys think of chartreuse? For your team page? No, no, no.
For, uh, the waitress uniforms.
Oh, eat shit, Andre.
Is Jenny making dinner? Hey! All right, now, for the bracket that actually counts, we have The Shit Heads vs.
the Jenny Tops, Kevin Bottoms.
Yeah, you know what? It should have been Jenny on top.
I can't believe I lost to Ruxin.
I am killing it.
Do you know that I'm in the playoffs in eight leagues? You stayed in all those leagues? Yeah.
I mean, they're mostly kids, but I'm cranking them.
You know what? Do what you want on the playground, but I'm gonna win in this league, I'm gonna win the beach house, I'm moving to Laguna You're gonna wear white boat shoes and a white leather hat and have bad sex with seafood restaurant waitresses.
Yes! And if you are gonna have sex with a waitress, which one would you pick? Bad Kitty or Firecracker? Definitely not the one in the middle.
You are the one in the middle, Andre.
- Hey! - Running a bed and breakfast is so much more work than I thought it was gonna be.
Can you believe people actually expect me to make their beds and cook them breakfast? Oh, please tell me you are not cooking them condom chorizo.
No, I served them the EBDBBnB BLT.
I'm assuming the bacon is made of diaphragms? I'm so stressed out.
Whoa, no-no pot in the house, Taco.
Oh, it's not pot.
It's khat.
What? Wait, what? It's khat.
All my friends from the Yemen chew it.
It gives you a lot of energy.
It's a stimulant.
It's like a stronger coffee.
What, that you just jam into your mouth and chew on it? Yeah.
Like that.
Who has friends from Yemen? I lead an interesting life.
I don't just hang out with you idiots all day.
Here, try some.
No.
You sure? Yes.
You should.
It's just like speed, except khat's illegal.
Taco, speed is illegal.
No, I think you have that wrong; I think it's just illegal to street race on it.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
How do you feel about your doctor being on the cover of a magazine? To be honest, the picture's a little creepy, but better the front of the magazine than the back, in the classifieds.
Hmm, fair point.
Thanks for talking, by the way.
No one actually talks to each other in these waiting rooms.
I know, right? People are afraid to look left, they're afraid to look right, they don't talk It's like being at a urinal.
I'll have to take your word on that.
Having a lot of work done, but adding a dick is really not on the list.
That's not a problem.
I'm actually adding a second dick.
If you want to borrow one of mine, you're welcome to.
Ow.
Oh, sorry.
Laughter's not good.
Yeah.
Got it.
Thank you very much, Ms.
Glenn.
And, uh Mr.
Eckhart? The doctor will see you now.
Don't pretend like I'm a I'm not having a procedure.
No judgments.
You know, a butt implant is a very serious procedure Shut up.
The nurse will be with you in a second.
What's going on? I thought we were going to lunch.
I'm super stressed and really busy right now.
Oh, yes, you're very, very busy.
Okay.
Russell is unstoppable.
I-I don't even know where to focus right now.
Whatever.
As long as you don't let him win that beach house, it's gonna be fine.
Holy shit, who is that? That's Emma.
She's out in the waiting room.
That is what she looks like? Well, no, this is a computer simulation of what she will look like when she gets the bandages off.
She is gorgeous.
I'm good at my job.
I guess no one really knows what she's gonna look like.
No.
Kind of gives me first priority on the waiver wire.
Can you give me, like, five more minutes? And then we will go.
You know what? Take all the time you need.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I didn't get the chance to actually introduce myself.
My name's Pete.
I'm Emma.
Nice to meet you, Emma.
Nice to meet you.
Are you doing anything later? Is this bragging? What I'm about to say? Probably.
I don't want to brag Then don't.
but I am super primed for the playoffs.
Ask me how I do it.
How do you do it, Russell? That's a great question.
Because my guys are on teams with super favorable match-ups during our playoffs.
You think that far ahead? Let's take a look at Detroit during the playoffs.
At home against Tampa Bay.
At home against Minnesota.
On the road against Chicago.
All those places are what? They're all cities.
With? Terrible defenses.
Terrible defenses.
Yes.
Weak secondaries and cannot stop the run, can't stop the run Which means I'm gonna run to y'all's beach house.
Bloop! Now I am going to moonwalk over to the bar and get myself a fresh glass of wine, 'cause I'm almost empty.
It's full.
No, it's not.
He is so good.
It's like he's taken all of his gross sexual energy and put it into fantasy football.
He's like an old, creepy oracle.
We cannot let him win.
Well, you know what? Andre could beat him.
Andre? Yeah.
No.
He doesn't care about our playoffs.
He doesn't care; he preoccupied.
Well, what are we gonna do? It's simple, okay? Russell is still a sex addict, so all we have to do is knock him off the fantasy football train and just push him onto the sex wagon again.
Are you asking me to sleep with Russell? No.
History has proven that Russell would rather have sex with a bowl of hummus than you.
I think that was just an off night.
No, but that's a good idea, though.
Do you have any girlfriends that you could hook Russell up with? No.
Do you have any girlfriends? No.
What about Andre's sister? She can't.
She's living the quiet life up in Scotland on a sex farm.
Oh, good for her.
What if we invite Russell and a girl over to hang out in your above-ground hot tub? No! Even if they don't have sex, at least they'll get dysentery.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause that thing's filthy.
Filthy.
No, it is not! Have you guys gone in it since the incident? No.
Yes.
What? Ew.
Wait.
Hey.
Uh It's Emma.
Right! Emma! I-I don't know what you look like, so this is Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Feel a little weird with the bandages off, everyone keeps staring.
Well, they're gonna stare at you, because you're gorgeous.
Well, you were into me while they were still on my face, so I-I was, I was into you as a bandaged weirdo in the waiting room.
Says a lot about you, Pete.
It does.
It says everything, actually.
We'll see about that.
Yeah.
You want a drink? Sure.
All right.
Guys, this Emma situation is incredible.
And the best part is, I didn't have to jump through all the hoops that you normally jump through to get the crazy hot girl, you know? Yes, yeah.
It's like you pick up Knile Davis the week before Jamaal Charles goes down.
Yeah.
Or Ryan Matthews and Danny Woodhead go down, and you know what? Donald Brown, Brendan Oliver, my buddies.
Already got 'em.
Enough of the analogies.
Let's get into details.
Where did you take her on her first date? Uh, it was great.
We went to the bar, we had a drink, it was easy Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You took her He took her to the bar.
The bar.
Those cheekbones do not deserve to be in that cesspool.
You need to give this girl maximum effort, all right? Tell me what you're doing for the second date.
We're gonna order in from the Thai place down No! No, no, no.
You do not order in with a nose like that.
You take that nose out.
She sounds gorgeous.
Did you give her the full nose-ic? The full nose-ic.
She is my statue of David, with a better nose, boobs and no dick.
Andre, thank you for the advice, but you don't really have a say in this.
As a matter of fact, I do, because I keep a private counseling session with all of my patients after their surgeries.
God, how low are these people's self-esteem? Bad.
Rock bottom.
One word from me, and this relationship vanishes.
You suck.
So listen, if you want to keep Emma, you gotta talk to me.
Let's go.
Russell, aren't you just supposed to taste the wine? That's what I'm doing, I'm tasting it.
You're not addicted to anything anymore, right? I'm just passionate about wine.
And clean living.
Okay, Pete.
You want to date me, show me what you got.
Really? We're doing this? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Um would you like to go to, like, a cool foreign film? You want to put this face in the dark? No.
Pass.
Second City for some improv? Oh, you want me to go with you to a place where they don't even bother to memorize their lines? Uh, no thank you.
Fine, we could something athletic, like take a run on Michigan Avenue.
What are you, my trainer? What do you want from me, Emma? I want passion, I want excitement, I want something different than the run-of-the-mill Pete Eckhart date.
Fine.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
We'll go to Alinea for a three-course meal.
After a nice aperitif, I'll take you ice-skating at the John Hancock so that we can look out over the stars and our future together.
That's really nice.
You know, if you play your cards right, I'll even invite you up for a nightcap.
No.
Well, date approved.
No Welcome to No Missionary Fridays.
Jesus, Taco, it's like a scene from Boogie Nights in here.
You're a regular High Hefner.
Hey, did the concierge lube you up on the way in? I politely declined that service, thank you.
Oh, you like it dry? It's gonna hurt after a few hours.
Let's just talk about why we're here, okay? Yes, the plan.
I will distract Russell, keep him here Mm-hmm.
while you Will get Crazy Tiffany, bring her back and introduce her to Russell.
Right.
Please feel free to have all the three-penis wine you want.
Allergic to penis.
Um, everybody? This is my brother Kevin.
He's very shy, so please, make him feel at home.
Okay? All right, have fun.
Ooh, God Okay.
Thank you.
I have, uh, I have low "T," so don't count me in on any of this stuff.
Russell, hey! Russell.
Come here, man.
What's going on? Welcome to the party.
What's going on? I thought this was a BnB.
I don't know, man.
It's kind of weird.
I might have to get out of here.
There's a lot of familiar butt holes in here.
Yeah, but you know, that's in your past.
Maybe I should go.
No, no, no, let's talk about football.
You've been doing great this year, man.
Oh, thanks.
Although I did notice that this week you haven't put a kicker in yet, in your lineup, so your lineup's sort of illegal at this point.
Well, that's kind of a little move that I do.
What I'll do is I'll pick up an extra wide receiver or a running back or even a "D" and then I'll figure out who I'm gonna start and then at the last minute, I'll drop one of those guys, pick up a kicker.
After I check out the wind and weather reports, of course.
God, you're good.
Hey, everybody.
Look who I randomly ran into by accident.
It's my friend Tiffany.
Crazy Tiffany.
Perfect.
Uh, this is my good friend Russell.
Hi.
Russell.
Hi.
You're so tall.
So tall.
Uh, your hands are so soft.
There's a lot of lotion on there, right? Wow, you guys have amazing chemistry.
You should get a room upstairs.
Okay.
Thank you so much, I'm so flattered.
I can't.
But Kevin might be interested.
Huh? I could do that.
That's a great idea.
Kevin, you and Tiffany should sleep together.
No.
No, it's not a great idea.
A great idea is the idea we just spoke about over there.
Yeah, but that idea didn't work out, so we need a new idea.
So you should sleep with Tiffany.
No.
I have an idea.
What's your idea? One, two, three, me.
Yeah! But not me.
Okay.
Threesome! Yes, yes, yes.
All three of us go upstairs.
Come on, we never do anything as brothers.
I will take you mini golfing, okay? Okay no I love miniature golfing.
I can't do that.
I cannot I cannot go upstairs and have sex with you.
Oh, so you want to do it here? It's not gonna bother me at all.
No.
Can I have a tarp? Yeah, let's get a tarp, please! Tarps? Wait, wait, why are the lights flickering? It's a blackout party.
Wait, what's a blackout party? It gets crazy.
Who's touching me?! How many people are touching me? Sorry, that was me.
The plan did not work.
But it was so simple.
What about Crazy Tiffany? Well, he didn't want to sleep with her to salvage the plan, so I had to sleep with her.
That is just crazy.
But what about Russell? Well, he's so clean, he didn't even want to film it.
He's clean as a whistle.
I don't know why people say "clean as a whistle.
" Whistles aren't clean at all.
I had to climb out a window and I was poked and prodded within an inch of my life.
And he sent us this loan for the EBDBBnBnBnBnBnB.
Andre, you are a genius.
What? Yes.
I am so happy that you forced me to change my game plan, because not only was my date with Emma romantic, I think it might be actually going somewhere.
Ooh, do tell, girlfriend! Let me ask you: did you kiss my pillowy lips? I kissed her lips.
But I was a gentleman, so I stayed at first base.
So upset.
I really wanted you to play with my breasts.
Why are you calling them "your breasts"? They are my breasts.
They're my breasts, they're my lips, they're my everything.
I mean, I am the sculptor.
I worked so hard on my breasts that when you touch her, I want you to think of me.
Andre, the last thing I want to think of when I'm near Emma's breasts is you.
I've been counting the days until you play with my nipples.
Andre, stop calling them your nipples.
Okay, fine, my areolas.
Don't do that! These are not yours.
Why are you freaking out? We're like Eskimo brothers here.
You didn't even hook up with her! Uh, I saw her naked.
Mmm, how many times do I have to tell you? That doesn't count.
It counts.
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, hmm-mm.
What's this place? This is the room.
The room? The room.
This looks like a bedroom to me.
There is a bed there.
What happens in here? Whatever you want to happen.
Really? Yeah.
I have ideas.
Mm.
Okay.
You're gonna love my breasts.
Uh It's okay.
Really.
Okay.
Touch me, Peter.
Uh! Ah You okay? I feel like we should take it slow.
You are so sweet.
I'll be right back.
Oh And then we'll take it slow.
Okay.
What the hell? Hey.
It's Andre.
Are you with her? Yes, I'm with her! What do you want?! Have you felt my breasts yet? I am not having this conversation with you right now.
Pete, you can do whatever you want to my breasts.
You can tickle them, you can put your tongue on them-- I guarantee you you'll never know that they're fake.
Andre, these are not your breasts! Stop it! Pete, I am so excited for you.
I cannot wait for you to feel my vagina.
That is the worst thing you could possibly say to me right now.
The labia might be a little bit sore because of the procedure, but don't worry.
Go to town.
Oh, you know what? What am I doing? I'm telling you all about my labia.
You should come back tomorrow and tell me all about my labia.
I got to go.
Hey.
Hi.
So, are we still thinking about that whole "taking it slow" thing? I'm rethinking my position.
Good.
Hey, Pete.
So, what do you think? Come here.
Are-are you okay? Come here, big boy.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything's great.
Get those hands over here.
Ooh! Ooh-la-la.
Ooh, I'm so excited! What-what's wrong? I'm in your yank bank now.
Oh, no! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What?! It-it's the surgery.
You can tell me if it's the surgery.
It's totally not the surgery.
It's kind of the surgery.
It's complicated.
Well, I think Dr.
Nowzick did a really great job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, don't say Dr.
Nowzick! Don't call him that! Well, I think it's weird to call my doctor Andre! Oh! Don't say his name! Ah, I can't take it! Disgusting! Just got to pick a kicker, check the weather.
Uh, excuse me? Oh, hi.
Um, we're actually closed.
We're not open till tomorrow.
I know.
I'm just looking for Dr.
Nowzick.
Andre's not here.
Uh, he went to the hat store, so it's probably gonna be awhile.
Is there something I can help you with? I'm-I'm Russell.
Emma.
Hey.
Um, it's kind of personal.
His friend Pete blew me off.
What? Why would Pete blow you off? I don't know if it's me or the surgery or the combo.
But he's disgusted.
Well, Pete is a moron.
I mean, look at yourself.
I-I don't think you can look at yourself, but if you could look at yourself, you would agree with me that I'm right that you're gorgeous.
Thank you.
You know, whenever I'm feeling kind of down, what I like to do is soothe myself with a little Rioja.
Can I offer you some? Yes.
Do you know anything about wine? No.
I know I like to drink it.
Mm-hmm.
Know it gets you drunk.
That's all you need to know.
To drinking a beautiful wine with a beautiful woman.
Sure doesn't feel that way though.
I thought all this work being done would make me feel some kind of way, and it hasn't, so Isn't that crazy? They don't tell you how hard it is to be a gorgeous woman.
Well, I don't know anything about being a gorgeous woman.
All I do know is if I do not get laid soon, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge.
No! No, no, no! No! I'm so sorry about that.
Is there something wrong with me?! No, uh, it's you, it's me.
I Oh, that's original.
Fine, it is you.
I have to warn you.
I have an extremely addictive personality.
That's fine.
Me, too.
Off the wagon! I can't believe I'm gonna lose and I'm gonna lose to you.
What are you thinking with your lineup? It was terrible.
Technically, I'm not mathematically eliminated here.
Okay? If Chicago has a huge game against the Saints, you got the Saints' D.
If they go negative points, I could do this.
I can pull it out.
You know what? I thought about the same thing, my friend, and that's why I have decided to bench the Saints' D.
No matter how badly they do, if they're on my bench, they ain't getting negative points, and I can't lose.
That is dirty pool.
Even dirty for you.
Oh, Pete, you can charm me all you want, but it's not gonna get you a win.
Hey! What's up, guys? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I never do this, but I have to ask What? Are you the guy who's been in the Sacko two years in a row? You know what? Not funny.
I'm in the Sacko, big deal.
I'm gonna win.
It's not gonna be an issue.
Yeah, I think it will be an issue.
All right, well, I am gonna go congratulate Andre on his big night.
Slide over.
Well, who you gonna lose to next week in the Shiva Bowl, Ruxin? Well, I'm not gonna lose to anybody, but I think I'm gonna end up playing Russell.
Yeah, Andre's up by two points, but he's played all of his players, and Russell still hasn't started a kicker.
And as soon as Shayne Graham gets locked in, good-bye, Andre.
But he'll always have this successful wine bar.
Have you guys seen Russell? Oh, my God! What are you wearing? You look like a Hasidic club promoter.
No, I think you look more like Russian Liberace.
I'd say he looks like an old-age home hooker.
Okay, I am so stressed out right now, I don't know if those are compliments or insults, all right? What I do know is Russell's been gone since Sunday morning and I need to find him.
Well, look, I haven't seen him, but if you see him, tell him he needs to start a kicker.
I don't care about a kicker! I need a sommelier, okay? I mean, people are waiting.
Andre, table 12 is asking for a wine recommendation from the Southern Rhône Valley? I don't know what that is, okay? I have the style! I have the je ne sais quoi! Not the knowledge! I hate the word je ne sais quoi.
Mm, now you know how we feel.
Russell Oh, Andre, Andre, hey! I just wanted to say congratulations! Have you seen Russell? What? I don't know how to do this! Oh, my God.
Hey, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny Whoa! Do you want a drink? Do you work here now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no Taco, when was the last time you slept? About two weeks ago.
What? Yeah, it's okay though.
You don't need to sleep.
Yeah, you do need to sleep.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.
Taco? Whoa! What the hell's a Rhône Viognier? Russell? Andre? Emma?! Hi, Dr.
Nowzick! What are you guys doing? Uh well, this is intercourse, and we're doing a whole lot of it, like, over and over and over I know what you're doing.
Look, this is opening night.
We are slammed up there.
I need you upstairs.
Well, we're kind of busy down here, too.
I need to talk to you for a second, please! The both of us? No, just you! Well, you're not gonna yell at me, are you, because I already feel kind of bad about myself Russell, come on! It'll just take me a second.
You-you stay! Don't look at my wiener.
Congrats! The place looks really great.
Thank you so much.
Like us on Yelp, okay? What the hell is going on in there?! Andre, I'm so sorry.
I lost control.
But your vagina-- I had to sample your vagina Do not call it my vagina, okay? I didn't think your vagina could live up to the hype, but it does! Clean yourself up right now! Okay.
What is that? It's that speed weed from Taco.
I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex and after I have sex, I masturbate and after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn on for me! You're jerking off to corn?! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Russell, I need you to pull yourself together Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah You need to go upstairs and do the wine.
Screw the wine, okay?! Actually that's not a bad idea.
(Andre saying "No!" over and over rapidly) (Russell saying "Yeah!" over and over rapidly) Okay.
I think this is it.
Oh.
Okay, I found Russell.
It's worse than I could've imagined.
I will be the sommelier tonight.
No! Really? I need an apron.
No, you don't need an apron.
Sommeliers don't have aprons.
I need flair.
Here, I'll take the scarf, okay? Oh, God.
Yeah, this is gonna be good.
That's worse.
Taco! What? Wake up or go home! It's opening night! Uh-huh.
How do you pronounce that? "Côtes de Rhône.
" Got it! Welcome to the EBDBBnB.
Can I get you lubed up? No, sir.
Thank you very much.
Um, hi.
Hi.
I heard that you had some questions about the wine.
Well, I am your sommelier.
Yeah, we've heard that your descriptions of the wine are almost poetic.
They really bring everything to life.
Well, this is one of my favorites.
It's a Côtes de Rhône, you know, from France.
You know, this wine has, uh, really great knees, you know, it's "Knees"? it's sturdy.
It's a very core-centric wine Can you tell us anything about the vintner? "The vintner.
" Yeah.
Yes, well, uh he used to be, um, a Southern shrimp boat captain.
And he took his love of crawdads and used it to open up a winery.
You know, he's always like, "Oh, I got my-my-my grapes! I got, I got to keep them "separated! You know, I got my Syrah and my-my Malbecs, I got to keep them separated!" So, he went to France to open a vineyard? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't really know how that speaks to the wine.
The restaurant reviewer is here and she's a real hard ass.
What? Where? Oh, my God She's blind.
I know.
Can you at least open it? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi, Trixie.
It-it's Andre.
Andre, yeah.
Is that really Trixie? Oh, yeah.
How are you? Blind.
I'm doing really blind.
You I mean, you-you do it well, so Well, thank you.
Oh, my God.
She's still blind.
Oh, it hasn't affected her fashion sense.
Wow, Andre's widow-making death jizz really did a number on her eyes.
Glasses are a good choice.
People don't wear the glasses and I feel like You know, thank you for saying that because no one ever comments on the glasses.
I didn't know that you were, uh, reviewing restaurants.
Uh, yeah, I stuck with the interior decorating for about a year.
Well, then because of the blindness, right? No, I just got bored.
Oh, okay.
Oh, uh, of course.
Well, welcome to Ménage à Cinq.
You know, I must confess I love the name.
I love it.
See? I knew it! See, no one gets it, but you got it.
I got it, I got it.
And the décor sounds amazing.
Oh, my God.
You, if you could see it, you would We have these old security deposit boxes.
We turned a wine bar into a bank and then we're turning it back - into a - Wine bar! Yes! Oh, so Andre.
Oh, my gosh.
Genius.
Even though his jizz bomb blinded her, there is still sexual chemistry between them.
Well, um, I always like to start in the kitchen.
So, if you don't mind.
Okay, yeah, okay, oh, uh um, just, yeah.
We'll just Good, okay, this is Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
She's coming Oh, she's coming over.
Okay, yeah I know, Andre.
Okay.
Are your loser friends here? - No.
- Hi, Trixie! Yeah, they're here.
I really like your Sunset Boulevard look.
Watch out, watch out! Sorry! What are you doing?