Xena: Warrior Princess s06e12 Episode Script

Xena What kind of animal would do this? What do you want, Michael? I sense hostility.
I want you to know I'm all right with that.
Well, that is big of you considering last time you saw me, you tried to have me cast down into Hell.
Desperate times warrant desperate measures.
As you see some new desperate times have arrived.
Who did this? Caligula.
You know his reputation.
He's a psycho.
A sex addict and a murderer.
Your run-of-the-mill roman emperor.
-And he thinks he's a god.
-No.
He is a god.
He's immortal? -But how did that happen? -I don't know.
What's important is that the god of Eli gave you the power to kill gods.
You're the only one who can stop Caligula.
He killed Tiberius in order to gain power Murdered every last member of his family.
He's slain anybody who won't swear allegiance to his cult of blood.
He wants to write his name into the history books as one of the great gods of the pantheon.
And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to him.
-Including angels, no doubt.
-And the followers of Eli.
-If anything's happened to Eve, Michael -Not yet.
But your daughter has the courage of her convictions, Xena.
She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution.
Eve's in Rome? If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael, I swear, I As you well know, Xena, your daughter obeys a higher power than me.
Michael, don't forget If I can kill gods I can kill angels too.
Behold before you the supreme incarnation of immortality on Earth.
All hail the great god-emperor, Caligula, who fears nothing, and cannot be vanquished.
Whoa, whoa, Domastecles.
Good girl.
Do it.
Come on.
My lord -I pray for your mercy.
-Well, praying is good.
Praying could buy you your life as long as your prayers are only for me and my eternal cult of blood.
Emperor I cannot forsake my religion.
Then you forsake your life.
Tie him up.
Come on.
-Let him go.
-Who's this? Eve of the elijans! You know, I wish I hadn't been away in the provinces when you were Livia.
I would have enjoyed meeting the bitch of Rome.
Now I'm the bitch for Rome and her people, through the god of Eli whose love is an unconquerable force, once it has entered the soul.
As his message spreads, Caligula, your days of tyranny are over.
Now I remember why I love to kill elijans.
It's the only thing that shuts them up.
What was that? She's coming too fast.
Stop her! Eve, come with me.
Well, I don't know who you are, but I like your style.
Yeah? How do you like this? Ares, you fool! What do you think you're doing? I can't let you kill my sister.
What? Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together.
If he dies you destroy her too.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS -Are you all right? -Gabrielle, I'm fine.
You shouldn't be here.
This is my mission.
Your mother's mission is protecting you.
There are some elijans hiding in the catacombs on the outside of town.
We'll join you there.
-Go.
-Ok.
Ok Either you're incredibly stupid or you know that there's nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise.
Ok! Bad touching.
No.
Stopping now.
Guards, take him to the prison -and take that elijan with him.
-My lord, she's disappeared.
Well, find her! I'll make sure that her demise is particularly spectacular.
I'm getting bored of all these distractions.
Well, then, my dear, you should rest.
All right Why don't you try and tell me just exactly what you think you were doing? Allow me to explain.
I am Synda of Thrace.
I represent the financial interest of the great charioteer, Saba.
If that buffoon hadn't interrupted, then Saba would have challenged you to a chariot race.
A chariot race? Well, there may be some gold in it for you if she can entertain me.
Being a god can be so boring And I do so love tall girls Come with me.
You will be my guest of honor at the palace so that I can enjoy your company until the race.
Feels good.
You know, Rome This place irks me.
Gabrielle, we've gotta stop Caligula from killing Eve.
Xena, Eve is safe with the elijans.
For now.
But I don't trust her to stay put.
We have to stop this mad man without hurting Aphrodite.
Which means that we have to find out what this crazy bond is between them and break it.
We have to stop this Caligula from committing genocide for his cult of blood.
Yes.
All right Now, Aphrodite should be at the party.
I want you to go there, find her, and try to talk some sense into her.
I'm gonna join you there later.
I need to go to the dungeon and talk to Ares.
Good luck.
Xena, don't forget, you're the guest of honor! Aphrodite You're looking beautiful.
You just seem a little different.
Aphrodite, don't you remember me? You're being very familiar considering I'm a goddess and you're a butt-kissing parasite.
Aphrodite, I'm your friend.
Leave me alone.
Aphrodite! Aphrodite, are you ok? Fabulous! I'm wonderful! I've never been so happy.
So So -What? -So happy.
What are you doing?! Where is she? I love him so him! Caligula? Aphrodite, I don't believe that.
Aphrodite You must forgive her.
She's tired and emotional.
I can tell.
And where is your Saba? She insults both the emperor and the god with her failure to appear.
It's time for the praetorian guard to hunt her down.
Maybe then she'll learn the importance of punctuality in death.
Xena, thank the heavens.
How's Aphrodite? I was hoping you could tell me.
What happened to her? I came to Rome because I heard she was losing her mind.
You see, without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes unbalanced.
Caligula You aren't going to leave before my world-renowned performance? -Performance? -Yes.
What does Caligula have to do with this? It's like he's some kind of succubus sucking her godhood from her bit by bit.
Now, if you thought he was bad as an emperor imagine him with the powers of a full god.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
-Maybe I can.
-No.
No.
I've gotta come between them before it's too late.
Sleep well.
Brilliant! Fabulous! Did you get to Aphrodite? She doesn't recognize us.
Saba! We've missed your company.
I am at your command, sire.
Careful I can have some pretty unusual commands.
But your idea about the chariot race First we need to know that you're a worthy opponent to race the god Caligula.
Name your task, lord.
I will prove myself worthy of your indulgence.
Good.
Prove yourself.
Kill him.
In a former life my manager and I had a little floor show which we would like now to perform for you in honor of our emperor's exotic taste in entertainment.
Now you're talking.
Do you want a piece of this? I'm tempted Deeply tempted, but I I, I, I I can't.
Well, just as you like.
Though I would like to give you a taste of what you'll be missing.
Oh You are the savage one! You have no idea.
And now let us entertain you.
You know, I have fantasized about this in a hundred different situations.
I've gotta tell ya -I never got to this scenario.
-Well, enjoy it while you can 'cause in about all hell is gonna break loose.
Guards! Put that woman in chains! Immediately! Now? Come on Don't make 'em go home now.
I said no! Everyone, I want this hall cleared! Immediately! All of you, go! You! Guard! Come here, now! Take out your dagger.
Do it! Stab me in the arm.
Come on! I still have it.
Oh, my sweet immortality.
Blood I'm gonna die! It's a small wound.
Today, maybe.
But then a bigger one and then one day, like every pathetic mortal I'll be dead.
Aphrodite, listen to me.
You know me, Aphrodite.
I'm your friend.
I'm not staying here to listen to this! Nice touch Saba When you bit my lip you made me bleed.
How is that possible? I'm an immortal.
Join the club.
Caligula, I am immortal too.
Saba, the charioteer's a god? No, Saba, the celtic goddess of sex, is a god.
When I heard that the olympians had met an untimely end I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to spread my wings.
And of course, when I saw you I knew you'd make the perfect ally.
Well, what power do you have? You've already experienced my powers.
I have the ability to pierce the veil of immortality to make gods bleed.
to make gods die.
It's an uncommon gift.
And a risk for any god to keep you around.
A risk not to especially when you compare me to that washed-out dish rag Aphrodite.
Where is she, anyway? Forget her.
She's weak.
Now, how much better would it be if there were two healthy gods using one another? You mean you and I? Well, otherwise, you'll be known as "Caligula, god of messed-up freaks.
".
How dare you speak to me in that way? Do you know who you're talking to? Do you? My offer's on the table, Caligula.
And think about it carefully.
I make a very good friend and an even better enemy.
Caligula My cowardly son.
Don't you recognize your own mother's voice? I see you've become the pathetic man we always thought you'd be.
-You're the laughingstock of all Rome.
-No! You murdered your own family for this? I am a god! While you are just voices in my head! You're dead! Leave me alone! Leave you alone By the heavens, somebody! -Save me! -Caligula You're the only one who can save yourself.
What sort of demon are you? At last.
I'm ready.
You are ready? Yes, archangel.
You're afraid? No, it's I'm Have no fear.
I give unto Caesar all that is Caesar's.
But I bring also the message of Eli.
The only true path to redemption.
Oh, you are so earnest This is going to be fun.
Let go of lust and violence.
Open your heart to truth and hope.
Lust and violence, or truth and hope.
I think I'll stick with the status quo.
-Oh, fabulous.
-What? Caligula What on Earth did you think you were doing? I don't need you to interfere with my mission.
Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now? Well, the demon with wings said that if I spilt her blood it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all gods.
The demon with wings? My dear Why here and now, when there is neither sport nor glory in it? -Glory? -For your cult of blood.
Why, this could be a missed opportunity.
Every cult needs followers.
If you were to, for example, exterminate the messenger of Eli in front of the masses, why Yes That would make them take notice.
-Superb.
-I am, aren't I? Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me? It's not that I prefer her, my sweet.
I just need none final thing from her.
What's that? A final kiss goodbye.
Why are you doing this to me? What do you want? I want my friend back.
I've never seen you before today.
I could turn you into a mosquito, you know? You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't.
You know why? Because you do know me.
You don't want to hurt me.
Well, if we're such good friends, then how come I don't recognize you? Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom you claim to love.
Michael! You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand.
Now you go after my girlfriends.
That's not gonna happen.
Bring it on.
Don't be afraid, Michael.
Ok, Michael You know the drill.
You got 30 seconds.
Xena, stop it! I was tryin' to kill Aphrodite, not Gabrielle! Because Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe.
And we can't allow the mad man to become a full god which will surely happen if he kisses Aphrodite one more time.
And the only way I can do that is by killing Aphrodite.
I've got one more question for ya.
What happens to angels when they die? Xena, stop it! It's gone.
They've taken it away from me.
What? What is it? The power to kill gods, Gabrielle.
It's gone.
I've been looking for you, Aphrodite.
No! Your passion for me overrides your good sense but I like that in a woman.
I will forgive your jealous outburst, because Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me! Aphrodite Gabrielle, I know we're like close, but is this appropriate? Is it really you? Ok, Gab Has anyone ever told you that you can be like a total ditz? Aphrodite What do you think about Caligula? Nothing Caligula The bond between them's been broken.
Ok, whatever.
I'm getting us out of here.
You can't, Aphrodite.
Caligula is truly a god now.
Open the door.
Leave us.
Eve What's happened? Aphrodite's got her mind back but she's lost her immortality.
So he's a full god now It gets worse.
Eli has stripped me of my power to kill gods.
It means I have no way of halting Caligula's madness.
Eve, I'm sorry.
It wasn't the punch that hurt.
You trampled right over the decision I had made.
-I had to, Eve.
-No.
You forget, Mother.
It's my life.
It's my death.
It's my choice.
No, you forget.
I am your mother and I would die before I'd let him touch a hair on your head.
You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, Mother.
Well, it's funny you should say that.
Get up! Citizens of Rome! You are here to witness a chariot race celebrating the allegiance between your god-emperor and his new queen, the goddess Saba.
The victor of the race wins the right to kill Eve of the elijans formerly Livia, the whore of Rome.
Let it begin! A victory for Rome! Ops! Still gettin' the hang of that! Come on! Caligula! Don't you just love this god stuff? Absolutely! Methinks my lord enjoys this sport a little too much! You got it, babe! Come on! Come on! Come on! Faster! Well, that was quite a race.
I guess you're gonna be the one who spills the blood.
Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long time only it won't be her blood that's spilt today.
That's Xena.
That's Xena, the Warrior Princess! Xena? Xena I know that name.
Yes, Xena, slayer of gods.
Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly called "whore of Rome".
Oh Perhaps we could renegotiate the exact terms of the prize.
No.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! The only thing we'll negotiate is what happens to you.
Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and you can hardly throw a fireball straight.
So, you gotta ask yourself Do you feel lucky? Xena! Xena! Xena! I am your emperor! I am your god! How dare you not give me the respect that I deserve? You're nothing! I allow you to worship me! Hold on, Caligula.
I'm going to spare you the humiliation of dying on your knees.
-Please -Listen to me.
Still, you're gonna have what you've always wanted.
Your place amongst the pantheon of roman gods.
What better way to start your new cult of blood than with the ultimate act of bloodshed the spilling of your own blood? They They hate me.
Don't listen to them.
-They think I'm weak! -Then prove to them you're not.
Caligula, kill yourself.
If I kill ya you're just another dead god.
But if you were to kill yourself Then Then my name lives forever.
Forever.
Yes.
Do it, Caligula.
Take your rightful place.
Do it.
I understand you.
Yes.
Live forever! The only person in all Rome who could kill Caligula was Caligula.
How are you feeling? Dirty.
How should I feel? Xena, there was nothing you could do -He was evil.
-No.
He was damaged.
-He wasn't evil.
-It's not fair.
It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! Welcome to my nightmare, sis.
Gabrielle When you were tryting to get through to me earlier you said a coupl'a times that you were my friend.
Did you really mean that? Absolutely.
How cloyingly sentimental but very much appreciated.
All right, everyone Let's get outta here.
Come on.
Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift? The ability to kill gods? Nah, it'll just make life spicier.
Besides, I've still got my two greatest gifts and I've got no intention of losing either of them.