2 Broke Girls s06e13 Episode Script

1 MAX: Previously on 2 Broke Girls Oh, no, Max! My wallet! It's gone.
All of our cash and our credit cards were in there.
I need to get to Texas to see my boyfriend.
There has got to be a way we can work something out.
We'll do anything.
Just another lonely night here in Texas with all my new best friends! Ha-ha! I'm driving to Texas if y'all want a ride.
(both gasp) Shotgun! I'm sitting next to RuPaul.
No.
I'm sitting next to RuPaul! (upbeat music) All right.
So, this is where Randy and the other movie people are staying.
(sniffs) He's been here.
I smell abs.
Ugh, I smell us.
When did I have a hot dog? I shared one with you while you were sleeping.
You're welcome.
Let's ask that clerk if he's seen Randy, and when the outdoor sprinklers go on so we can freshen up.
Hi.
How can I help you? B-T-dubs, if you're going for that tossled, just-crawled-out-of-a-ditch look, you nailed it.
I'm not gonna ask what you just crawled out of, because I'm too tired to be mean.
So, Richie, my associate and I would like to know what room Randy Walsh is staying in.
And I see you have a very strict "no pets" policy.
Yes, Randy Walsh's room.
Of course.
Looks like he is in room number what hotel clerk in the world would give out a guest's info to two dusty randos? Um, I'm more than just a dusty rando.
I'm his dusty ex-girlfriend.
Also, well played.
He has friend potential.
Not helpful friend.
Just "tell you what not to wear" friend.
Well, it's still early, so hopefully Randy hasn't left oh, my God, free cookies! (gasps) And cucumber water! With berries! My nanny used to make me water like this before the town car would take me to preschool.
You had a town car? My mom was called the town car.
She sat four comfortably.
Can't believe I have to take a van to set with other people.
I was in Speed.
You were on speed.
And you were in rehab.
And then I rebuilt your career, and now you have to take a van.
(gasps) Max, look! It's Randy.
And that guy from the reverse mortgage commercials.
Ugh! Oh, God! He can't see me all gross like this.
I thought your grossness is one of the things he likes about you.
Mm, it's complicated.
He likes me to start out clean.
(Peter Bjorn and John) Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh (cash register bell dings) (upbeat music) I am getting really good at bathing in public restrooms.
And I want it to end! Well, your hobo skills are not complete.
You need to practice peeing in an alley.
You're still splashing on your shoes.
Now come on.
Let's go find Randy.
Fine.
Let's go ask that concierge if he knows where it is.
Hey, remember us? The dust bunnies from before? I know who you are.
I've been following you two around with a wet vac.
Bit of an attitude from someone who's got two giant horns coming out of his head.
You're bringing horny to a whole new level.
Can you please tell us where the movie set is? Oh, of course.
Absolutely.
No problem.
Just go out the lobby, make a left on Main, then a right on There's No Way In Hell I'm Telling You That Street.
Uh, was that a left or a right on No Way In Hell I'm Telling You That Street? Look.
My friend came all the way here to surprise her boyfriend.
How would you feel if someone stopped you from seeing your boyfriend? Excuse me? Boyfriend? I'm not gay.
This is Texas, not the Flaming Saddles Saloon on 9th Avenue and 52nd Street in New York City.
Where you've definitely never been.
Please just leave my lobby, all right? There's enough sad wannabes around here with the extras casting which reminds me I need to get to extras casting.
We don't need him, Max.
I have a great idea.
We'll get cast as extras in Randy's movie.
That way you can see him, and audiences everywhere can see me.
Ah, Caroline, that's genius! While we're waiting, I'll call Han to check on the dessert bar's progress.
Wow.
I have an acting career and I own a dessert bar.
And to think just moments ago I was tossing water from a sink to my privates.
Can you call it a whore's bath if you never have sex? Can you please tell them to keep it down? - (loud banging) - A simple "no" would've done.
You don't have to insult my sweater! And hello, Max.
(banging) There's more banging going on in there than season one of The Affair.
It's really ruining the fine dining ambiance in here.
What's that, doc? Is it on my testicle or just near it? (banging continues) Come on! (baby crying) And now they woke up Barbara.
And I don't have the DVD of Amy Adams' last movie to put her back to sleep.
That's the last straw.
I'm going over there.
I can't stand the sound of a crying baby.
That's why I'm waiting a couple years to have my own.
Hey! Oleg.
Come on.
Your daughter just got woken up with that heavy noise.
You should be going over there.
Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of taking a "Which Friends character are you?" quiz.
Ross? Well, maybe you should be doing some more manly things so that when Barbara sees your picture, she doesn't say "Mama.
" She calls me Mama? I'm going over there.
I'm not Mama.
I'm Dadushki! You're being a da-douche-ski.
James jostled Gene gently.
James jostled Gene gently.
James jostled Gene Somebody help.
I think my robot's broken.
It's an acting exercise, Max.
It stretches out the mouth.
Uh, I think all those teeth do the trick.
I just want to be prepared.
I mean, maybe I'm not just on this journey for you.
Maybe I'm supposed to be discovered as an actress.
Maybe something's finally about me.
Everything is always about you.
You call Christmas "The Day Caroline Gets Presents.
" And we're only auditioning so I can get to the set to see Randy.
Not for your acting career.
Also, you don't have an acting career.
Well, shouldn't you be practicing what you're gonna say to Randy? I mean, your original plan to "jump Dem bones" might not fly on a movie set.
Hey! I got words.
I was thinking something along the lines of, "Howdy, Dude-y.
" You know, 'cause we're in Texas and he was kind of a doody for blocking me.
Okay, extras, since this is a zombie movie, I'm gonna need to see you act like zombies.
But don't touch me.
My entire body's an erogenous zone.
Zombies? I didn't prepare for that.
You also didn't prepare for being a celibate poor person, but you're knocking that out of the park.
(hammering) Excuse me, sir if that is your real name.
We're from the diner next door, and you need to keep the noise down.
It woke up a baby and the man who lives in booth two.
Sorry for the loud noise.
If there's one thing New York's known for, it's quiet construction.
Listen.
You may think you're some sort of authority figure with that tank top, but you're not.
What you are is fired.
Was anyone recording that for baby Barbara? Well, that escalated rather quickly.
Take your gorgeous tank top and get the hell out of here.
Fine.
I don't need this.
My dance company got a grant from Pfizer.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? Not a door.
The girls are gonna kill me if they get back and the dessert bar isn't finished.
Well, Oleg will do it.
He says he can nail anything.
I was talking about Jersey skanks, but sure, I'll give it a try.
You're in.
Go wait next to the corpse extras.
Next.
Hi.
My name is Caroline Channing, and I will be singing "Hamilton" from the musical of the same name.
Hold off on that.
I'm not quite ready to kill myself.
Are you sure you don't have any non-zombie parts? Maybe a cheerleader? Or a socialite who lost all her money but not her looks or her will to succeed? But she has lost everyone's interest.
Uh, fine.
Here we go with a zombie.
(panting) Here I come! I'm a zombie! God, I want to go back to casting commercials for Applebee's.
You just have to be white and a little fat.
Or I can do mow mow mow mow mow! Not a zombie.
Not anything.
Hey, are those sodas up for grabs? Yeah.
(grunting) Oh-ho! Root beer! Now, that's a zombie! Amazing walk and moan.
You're hired.
(gasps) What? But she's not an actor.
She can't even pretend to laugh at my jokes.
(laughs) You thought that was funny? No! Boo.
Bad news, Bon Bon: I can't be in your movie today.
Carlos won't work my shift at the desk.
We broke we had a fight.
- Looks like you got the part.
- (both gasp) Congratulations on me running out of people.
All right, everyone on the van.
We got to get you to set and makeup.
Oh, wait, Bonnie.
Am I going with, "Here I come.
I'm a zombie.
" or "mow, mow, mow, mow, mow, mow, mow, mow"? They're both good.
Why do you get to be a hot zombie? I look like dead David Spade.
So, David Spade? And I have this gross axe wound in my neck.
Oh, I thought that was a second mouth.
I was worried it was gonna start telling stories about how rich it used to be.
I've been working on my zombie's backstory.
She's a teacher named Jill with an online gambling addiction and an interest in women she's never acted on.
So, as your lawyer, can you please stop asking me for a drunk driver's license? It's not a real thing.
Neither is a cocaine permit.
Oh, my God, it's Randy.
Hide! Hide! Hide? Like Jill is doing with her feelings for her neighbor Sarah? Will you run lines with me? Sure.
You want to take it from, "You can take my brains, but you can't take my freedom"? Max, we came all this way.
You can't just avoid him forever.
He's not a Hulu original.
Just go tell him what you want.
And what do you want? Are you planning on moving to LA? Because when this acting thing takes off, they'll want me to live there, too.
Who's "they"? Is "they" all of New York? (in British accent) Oi! Drop the brains, you zombie scum! Yeah, the script says "brightly," not "British.
" I mean, I can't move to LA.
We've worked too hard getting the dessert bar to where it is.
I can be happy with the long-distance thing.
I mean, it's better than nothing, and I don't have to shave as much.
Well, none of that's A-material, but it's how you feel, so just go tell him before he goes off again.
I'm pushing you with my stub.
All right.
All right.
I'm going.
Just to make sure he recognizes me.
Here you are.
You two wander off more than my stepson's left eye.
You're late for your scene.
Um, I just need two minutes with that guy who just left, and a condom if you have one on you.
What do I look like? The sound guy? Uh, and I'm gonna need you to zip that dress up.
This movie's PG.
All right, I'll zip up.
Guess you guys don't want a sequel.
There.
The door, much like the man who put it up, is well hung.
Have you ever done anything without bringing up your penis size? Sure.
My driver's test.
Oh, wait.
No.
Han, hey, just a heads up.
Man, there's literally no one working in your diner right now.
And that's unusual how? Well, since I don't have to be at work, I am going on a break, which means smoking a J and taking a nap in the trunk of my car.
He doesn't even have a car.
How about that? Earl has superpowers.
The only superpowers he has is that he's still alive.
Hey, what's going on here? Fine.
The jig is up.
I can't hang a door.
Sophie, my daughter may think I'm a mama, but I don't want her to think I'm a liar.
Ooh.
This went from zero to Lifetime pretty quickly.
I'm out.
Oh, Oleg, come on it doesn't matter that you can't build anything or protect us or or or be a man.
What's really important is how much you love Barbara.
But she thinks I'm a mama.
Well, she also thinks that Danny Glover is the president.
Dadushki! Oh, my gosh, Oleg, did you hear that? Yeah.
You just said it.
No.
No, no, no.
It was Barbara.
Barbara just called you Dadushki.
She did? BARBARA: Papa.
"Papa"? What the hell is that? Eh, she's not very bright.
But thank God she's pretty like her mamas.
(laughs) Ugh, my gash is itchy.
You should see someone about that.
Ugh! This is one of the least comfortable harnesses I've ever hung from.
On the upside, it's currently rounding third base.
Jealous! Oh, Richie! How did you get here? I thought you had to work.
Not that acting isn't work.
Just act my fellow thespian, Natalie Portman.
You look like a thespian in that shirt.
Funny story: I actually got here on the None of Your Beeswax Express.
Ha! He did it again.
Turns out it doesn't get old.
Okay, zombies.
Three minutes till we shoot.
Let me see you wriggle and moan.
- (Max and Richie moaning) - CAROLINE: Mow, mow, mow, mow.
Bonnie, am I moaning because I am horrified at what I've become? Or because I'm in pain from hanging on this meat hook? She must be going to ask the director.
(gasps) Here comes Randy.
How do I look? Like a piece of meat.
I'll take it.
You were hilarious in that last scene.
I think everybody's really happy they didn't get Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy? I was wondering why I had to play my whole family at dinner.
This is a comedy? Well, it's a good thing I'm so versatile.
I think I'll make Jill clumsy.
Ugh! Where'd they go? (grunts) Yeah, meditation has totally changed me.
I'm not as angry.
Hey! Don't look at me! Yeah, you do seem calmer.
I wonder why they demanded your lawyer be on set.
Dude, when we get back to LA, there's someone I want to set you up with.
Oh I need to hear this.
Push me.
She's hot.
But I'm just not dating anyone who drives a Prius right now.
I don't know.
I'm in a weird place right now, and I don't just mean Texas.
You're not still seeing that girl in New York, are you? (gasps) What girl in New York? Me! Did your brain get eaten already, or is Jill just an idiot? She is just overwhelmed.
She has three kids under the age of five and car trouble.
We broke up.
We were Facetiming so much I felt like I was dating my iPhone.
The other night at dinner, we split an appetizer.
Play dead! Yeah, Max is incredible, but we're just in different places right now.
- No, you're not.
- Shh! I wish I could say the long distance thing was gonna be enough for me, but it wasn't it wasn't ever gonna be.
It just can't be enough.
Like you with compliments about your hair.
(laughs) You like it, though, right? You know, I'm doing everything I can to get over her.
Blocked her on my phone, went to therapy, watched all 13 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, then realized I'd only watched 20 minutes of one episode.
So, yes or no on my hair? It's great.
But I'm not ready to meet that girl with the Prius just yet.
I mean, I'm all for good gas mileage.
Just not yet.
I get it.
You're gay now.
RICHIE: I wish! All right, two minutes, everybody.
Let's do this thing quick, 'cause this movie sucks.
Max, why didn't you say something? That was your chance.
Ugh, you heard what he said to that fake sheriff.
The long distance thing isn't enough for him, and he needs to move on.
It's only fair that I let him.
Call me stupid for being a romantic and thinking love could conquer all.
Stupid! I'm sorry, Max.
What are you doing? Do you have to pee? Because I find if you go in your pants a little and then a little and then a little, it's not that noticeable.
I was gonna give you a hug.
Mm.
All right, bring it in.
(grunting) Ahh.
- You okay? - No.
My relationship is really over, and I'm starting to lose feeling in my downstairs.
Yeah.
Ugh.
I'm sorry I dragged you across the country.
You didn't drag me anywhere.
I wanted to be here with you.
Let's go home, Max.
I'll tell Bonnie we're quitting, and we'll tell the press it was exhaustion.
No.
We're not going anywhere yet.
We came all this way.
At least one of us should get what they want.
You are gonna be in this movie.
(gasps) Max! I won't forget about you when I'm big.
I mean, I'll definitely see you less.
What's that? Get rid of the blonde zombie? Oh, thank God.
What? Why? Was it my "mow, mow, mow, mow"? Bonnie, wait.
I I can also write.
Check this line out: "freezed to meet you.
" Cut me down, Bon Bon.
You can't split us up.
Believe me.
I've tried.
(cash register bell dings)