Bewitched (1964) s06e13 Episode Script

Sam! Darrin.
Look what you made me do.
You wouldn't have done what you did if you hadn't done what you did.
Well, I just got tired running up and down that ladder, and I lost my head.
Sam, when are you going Sweetheart, why don't you just go out and come back and we'll forget this ever happened? - Good morning, sweetheart.
- Morning, sweetheart.
- I'll bet you don't know what today is.
- Let's see.
It's too late for Groundhog Day and too early for National Frankfurter Week.
What day is it? It's exactly three days, eight hours and 45 minutes since your mother last inflicted herself on us.
Now, Darrin, I know Mother can be a bit difficult, but All right, all right.
She can be a lot difficult but she is my mother and she's not without a certain charm.
I had hoped that you might come to like her a little.
I like her a little.
- Very little.
- Very little.
I guess what bugs me the most is the way she barges in without any advance notice.
Well "Advance notice.
I am barging.
Endora.
" Darrin, for once try to be agreeable.
No matter what she says, just agree.
Please.
Okay.
But believe me, it won't help.
Samantha, my love.
How are you? Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed your stupor.
Good morning, Endora.
How nice you dropped in.
You're a sight for sore eyes that brightens an otherwise bleak morning.
Keep that up and you'll be a monkey's uncle.
Darrin, you'll be late for work.
Yes, but it's worth it to make your mother feel welcome.
Endora, won't you sit down and rest your weary bones? That does it.
Now he's saying I'm too decrepit to stand.
Sweetheart, you can't win.
Why don't you go to work? Okay.
Bye, sweetheart.
Bye, Endora.
You lay a lip on me and I'll put you in orbit for the rest of your life.
I was just reaching for my paper.
What in the name of all that's witchly has gotten into him? Nothing.
Darrin happens to be an extremely agreeable person.
Everyone thinks so.
His business associates, his friends.
Everyone but you.
- Now, don't you think you might be wrong? - Why? Columbus was the only one that thought the world was round and he was right.
It's no use.
- Excuse me, Mother.
- Yes.
So agreeable, is he? Well, if he really were, he'd take a nice, long, one-way trip.
Or maybe Yes! I'll zap him into such an agreeable state, he'll be utterly sickening.
That was Mrs Kravitz.
She had this crazy civic improvement petition.
I told her I wouldn't sign it without consulting you.
I'd better duck out the back way.
And I'm gonna give Adam his bottle.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Just going out the back way.
Saying goodbye to you once is bad enough, but twice is revolting.
Endora, I'd love to stay and bicker, but Bee's knees and bell's knell, hearken to my tricky spell.
To prove your brain's the size of a pea, with all you hear, you will agree.
- Excuse me.
Gotta run.
- Wait! See how cloudy it is? It might rain.
Yeah, it might.
I'd better get an umbrella.
Whatever for? There isn't a cloud in the sky.
You're absolutely right.
Bye-bye, Endora.
Goodbye, Durwood.
Good luck.
Oh! Mr Stephens! Mr Stephens! Your wife said you already left, but here you are.
That's right.
What can I do for you, Mrs Kravitz? I wanted to ask you to sign this petition.
We're trying to get the city to do something about the bus stops.
Now I don't know how often you've had to wait for a bus, but those benches are terribly uncomfortable and we of the Civic lmprovement Committee feel that they should be upholstered.
- Upholstered bus benches? - Yes.
Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, I agree.
Where do I sign? Would you be interested in circulating one of these petitions? Of course.
Now if you'll excuse me, Mrs Kravitz, I've got to get to work.
Oh, sure.
I'm sorry I held you up.
But these things are terribly important.
Oh, I know.
I couldn't agree more.
- Yes? - Mrs Stephens is on the phone.
Thank you.
Hi, hon.
What's up? Well, frankly, I'm a little puzzled.
Gladys Kravitz came back and left a petition.
She said you agreed to get signatures.
That's right, I did.
You're gonna ask people you know to sign a petition for upholstered bus benches? Don't you think that's a little ridiculous? It's a lot ridiculous.
Then why did you agree to take the petition? I don't know.
Just to be agreeable, I guess.
Well, that's fine, sweetheart, but I think you went a little overboard.
She's also put you on the Save the Starlings committee.
The Starlings? What street do they live on? They are birds.
They fly into glass buildings and get hurt.
She wants the city to condemn buildings made of glass.
- That's very interesting.
- It's absurd.
That's what I mean.
It's absurdly interesting.
Just a minute.
Yes? Mr Tate would like to see you in the office right away.
Okay.
I've gotta run, Sam.
Talk to you later.
Bye.
Hi, Larry.
Oh.
New clubs? Yes.
You know me.
I'm always trying to improve my game.
You ought to try cheating.
It's cheaper.
You know, I thought we might go over a few things before Shotwell arrives.
Good idea.
I'm anxious to turn this account over to you, but it's got to be handled delicately.
Darrin, you've got to be diplomatic.
Without compromising your principles, of course.
- Larry, I agree with you 100%.
- You do? That's great.
You know how much I respect your integrity.
But let's face it, sometimes you go overboard.
You're right, Larry.
I do.
Well, I'm glad to hear you admit that, for once.
- Yes? - Mr Shotwell is here.
Ask him to come right in.
Oh, just one last thing.
He claims he doesn't like yes men.
But the truth is, he hates people who disagree with him even more.
So I want you to be Mr Shotwell! Good to see you.
This is Darrin Stephens.
Heard a lot of good things about you, young fellow.
- Well, thanks.
- Any of it true? - Have a seat, Mr Shotwell.
- I certainly hope so.
And Larry has filled me in on what a dynamic and inspiring person you are.
- That's a lot of baloney.
- It certainly is.
I forgot to tell you about Stephens' sense of humour.
It's a little peculiar.
But you know these geniuses.
- Frankly, I find geniuses a pain in the neck.
- So do I.
They're also the only ones who come up with original ideas.
Exactly.
The world needs geniuses.
Apparently there's one thing they didn't tell you about me, Stephens.
I don't like yes men.
I'm well aware of that, sir, and I happen to share that feeling.
Let's get down to business, shall we? You know my feeling that the advertising campaigns of Shotwell Pharmaceuticals can use some new blood.
That's why I brought Stephens into the picture.
He's roughed out some ideas with a younger, fresher approach and I'll turn the floor over to him.
You think our approach has been too conservative, do you? - Yes.
I completely agree with Mr Tate.
- Well, I don't.
- You're absolutely right.
- What? Listen, why get bogged down in semantics, huh? Explain your approach to Mr Shotwell and show him some of your layouts.
Certainly.
First of all, let's take a look at your slogan.
"Oldest pharmaceutical establishment in America.
" Now, that's a dignified, impressive concept.
But in today's jargon, the word "establishment" has negative connotations, particularly to the young people.
Three-quarters of our customers are over 40.
Yes, and that's why I say never change your slogan.
Well, I have just one thing to say.
If you're that anxious to get off my account, I'll make it easy for you.
You'll have a letter of cancellation in the morning.
Now wait a minute, Mr Shotwell.
Never mind Stephens.
I'll stay on the account myself and I promise you I'll do everything to Congratulations.
In three minutes, you managed to destroy a 21-year relationship.
Why? Why did you have to be so darned agreeable? I certainly did agree a lot, didn't I? I don't know whether to strangle you or fire you.
Either one's okay with me, Larry.
That's the first thing you've agreed to that makes sense.
But I can't fire an old friend, so why don't you take a little vacation till I cool off? Okay.
How long? A year or two should do it.
Then he suggested I take a little vacation till he cooled off.
- How long a vacation? - A year or two.
Darrin, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've been fired.
Yeah.
I know.
What happened exactly? Well, Larry pleaded with me to be diplomatic.
He said Shotwell hated people who disagreed with him and, well, I guess I went a little overboard.
Actually, then Larry's just as much to blame as you are, isn't he? You're right.
- Maybe it's time you made a change.
- I agree.
What kind of a change? - Well, a change in jobs.
What else? - You're absolutely right.
As a matter of fact, I know where there's an opening.
Stone, Fraser, Moreheim, Cooper, Cooper and Washburn.
They don't sound like they have room for anyone else.
- One of the top outfits in the country.
- I see.
I've got to check around to see if anyone can drop my name with Washburn.
He's the one that counts.
Sweetheart, as long as you're home, do you mind if I go out for a little while? I have a few errands to run.
- No, go ahead.
- Okay.
See you later.
Bye, sweetheart! - Oh, Mr Washburn.
- Yes? The mayor's on the phone.
Tell him I've left for lunch.
I'll call him back later.
- Where will you be lunching? - The usual place.
Well, I'll see you later.
And enjoy your Darrin Stephens.
- What? - I said, enjoy your lunch.
How long has it been since Wiley's had a vacation? She just came back from one.
Must have had a wild time.
- Let me see that list of candidates.
- Yes.
Parker, party of two.
Darrin, party of Stephens.
- Table for one? - No, thank you.
I'm waiting for someone.
- Ready to order? - Yeah.
I'll have another drink.
- Make it a double.
- You think that's a good idea? A little Darrin or two makes a better Stephens, I always say.
Maybe you're right.
Forget the drink.
I'll have the swordfish.
Yes, sir.
Would you like that à la carte or on the Darrin? - What? - À la carte or on the dinner? - Fine.
Either way.
- And for you, sir? I'll have the steak sandwich and more coffee.
Thank you.
Enjoy your Darrin Stephens now.
What's your feeling? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I think that far and away, the best man for us is Darrin Stephens.
- Who? - Darrin Stephens.
He's not even on the list.
Well, why isn't he? He's far and away the best man for us.
Sam? Hi, sweetheart.
You want to hear a fantastic coincidence? Washburn just called me.
The agency I told you about? I start tomorrow! - He hired you over the phone? - Yes.
He seemed very insistent about it.
Well, that's marvellous.
I certainly hope that Hi, Mrs Stephens.
I just came by to tell Mr Stephens the good news.
Oh? What's that? I've just been made chairman of the Save the Starlings committee.
Well, this is really your lucky day.
See you at the meeting.
Bye.
Darrin, why did you agree to be chairman of that ridiculous committee? Well, because she asked me to.
- Suppose she asked you to jump in a lake.
- There's no lake near here.
You know something? Either you're having a nervous breakdown or my mother has struck again.
Tell me, did you and Mr Washburn agree on a salary? Yes.
And it's only a few thousand less than I'm making now.
That does it.
Mother! I thought I'd be hearing from you.
- Take it off.
- In mixed company? Now, Mother, you know very well what I am talking about.
You put a spell on Darrin to make him agree with anything or anyone.
And you object? Mother, the depth of your lack of feeling is not to be believed.
Do you realise that your feeble little joke has cost Darrin his job? Oh, Samantha, stop making so much ado about nothing.
Sam What kind of an incantation is that? Samantha, I refuse to stay here and bicker.
Are you all right? - It's none of your business! - What? - Don't stand there gaping.
Get me a drink.
- Oh, no! Mother.
Mother, what have you done to him? Oh, good grief.
It's "reverse the spell" backwards.
What the devil are you mumbling about? Would you get that, Sam? I'm busy.
Hi, Sam.
Is Darrin Oh, there you are! I was just driving by on my way home and I thought I'd drop in.
This isn't on your way home.
Darrin, I think Larry's trying to make a gesture.
Yes? Well, I'm making one, too.
Goodbye.
Well, of all the ungracious, disagreeable This morning you fired me for being too agreeable.
Who said I fired you? What do you call a two-year vacation without pay? So I lost my temper.
Now I'm apologising.
Not interested in your apology.
Sam, for the sake of your family, you ought to have a talk with him.
Jobs like his don't grow on trees.
Larry, I wish you'd gotten here a few minutes earlier.
- Well, Shotwell didn't call me till - Shotwell called you? - Yes.
- He liked the layouts, right? Well, to be perfectly frank, yes.
Well, well, well.
Now, why don't you stop this, both of you, and admit that, basically, you have a great affection and admiration for each other? Darrin, I'm sorry.
I'll see you first thing in the morning, right? Wrong.
He's starting in again! All right, Mother, you've had your kicks.
Now you better come and clean up this mess, or you're gonna hear a lot of yelling.
Mother! Samantha, you're such a killjoy.
Really.
- Mother! - I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
Bee's knees and bell's knell, I order you to remove the spell.
Return this mortal to his normal state.
If this doesn't work, I simply can't wait.
What was I saying? How good it is to have Darrin back.
- Yeah.
Good to have you back, old friend.
- Good to be back, Larry.
- You can't bust up a team like ours.
- No way.
Come on.
I'll make you a drink.
We have our differences, sure.
And a lot of relationships might not survive them.
But with us it only serves to sharpen our appreciation of each other.
Because we know that deep in our hearts, we have that kind of common bond that's rare in this world.
And why? The answer's as simple as it is beautiful.
Because we have respect for each other's ideas and opinions.
- But most of all - You get out.
we're sensitive to each other's feelings.
And all this adds up to one thing, Darrin, the team.
Yeah.
The team.
You and me.
And my mother.
Sweetheart, I don't blame you for being upset.
There are times when Mother just goes too far.
You're implying there are times when she doesn't? You think she dislikes you, but you're wrong.
She likes me? Well, I didn't say that.
She just doesn't care for mortals, and you happen to be one.
Well, I'm going to be one as long as I live.
You know, I know there's no hope of her learning to like me, but do you think in time she'd learn to ignore me? Sweetheart, Esmeralda is babysitting and we're all set for a lovely evening out.
So let's just put Mother out of our minds.
There's only one way to do that.
We've got to put Mother out of our minds more often.
- Mrs Kravitz.
- Where are you going? - Out to dinner.
- You can't! You promised to address the Save the Starling committee.
- When did I do that? - This afternoon.
Mrs Kravitz, when I agreed, I really didn't know what I What Darrin is trying to say, Mrs Kravitz, is that when he said he'd do it, he was really under Under Yes? Sweetheart, why don't you go over there and say a few words to the committee? You'll come? Oh, good! I'll just run over and tell them you're on your way.
Sam, I don't know anything about starlings.
Then you're even.
They don't know anything about you either.